up north 2 part 3 - 1979 may-july

work & days: a lifetime journal project

[alternative edited version] 13 may, the lake house fireplace south     breaking ground, fitting/laying stones   the sorrel butterfly's private movement two rising as they talked streaking through tops of the spruce and one comes back     speed   bath in yellow tub at the pump cold and hot     the stretch down to the lake smell alongside trees   mud and stories     compound   m's written talk     flattering paul shocked me in all of them the dreadful hope to catch the children in family and religion     books making demons and satan, for the sake of being chosen for the right side     left muttery ugly ditch stones   helmer animated by traps and perfumes the men separating into loud talk of the same tone     using what they know to brag when helmer addressed me he took it back, hands knocking the chair   [letter]   what i wanted     the memory of what it was     has come back to me         it's odd that you forgot it immediately and later i did too     it was too difficult   i said i wanted to know you said that wasn't what you wanted but even that moment you did want it   we were best when we were willing to know anything we were frightened and close to our limits and i want to be that again   remembering this made my body open in a way it hasn't for a long time   we remember a lot of failures and think of them as betrayals     and then the plots of self defense confuse us more   you do want to know but there is something you want more   it turned out there was also something i wanted more, i wanted to be touched and to have someone to talk to   i'm sorry i was buyable     i'm understanding why you're contemptuous of girls 14 m saying have breakfast first emptying ashes bringing her through the house knowing she'd like it   on the slope digging and planting wind, overcast, speaking without thought like child and mother   shall I go pick up your husband the charge when he gets in this is a reversal it's never been like this before [ie he's my passenger when I fetch him from the field] knowing he won't like it then at supper     stitch-randall suddenly and I don't want the awful food     he comes out after me not wanting me to show ability and in fact does all the wheel taking off     hacks at jack stand feverish     it spoils all the   cleaning front rooms     watching for omens     strong but not in feeling   [letter]   i'm here and it's lonely     you're withdrawn     are you? what's feeling toward you     is it you     feels forlorn     or is it the rain   the table set against the south wall met the window sill exactly this moving's been sensitive to any little omen, and they're mixed   it's waiting to move in feeling again     level eyes and tumult   my mother when she came with the pickup to help me move bed table and stove was delighted like i knew         she read the same books         said this is a real artist's house   when i told her i was building a courtyard she said, is that something to do with jam         i blushed and told her she was smart   yesterday we put in the garden, hers, together, something she did with her young children, they were all there moving the string stretched between two sticks learning how thick to sow the different kinds stamping over the potatoes (now it's raining, timing was right)   yesterday i marveled how an afternoon's work will feed many people for a long time   already less forlorn         when are you coming   the groundhog will have to move     they like young plants     i've told her a squirrel:     i nailed shut the door to the old boot cupboard on the stairs because i'd forget to see it on the way up and bang my head     - it scratched to be let out     - i opened the door and closed it later         heard something scratching to be let in     have opened it again, don't know if it has kids in there   geese nest in a marsh near     - not at the lake   i've rediscovered sucking pussy willows     honey and pollen willow   i can't write you a brilliant letter in this season     will you remember some good ones and not decide not to come my brilliance has settled in my hands     are you hearing it's enough of letters and past enough     you hurry 15 clean clothes for the house thinking of doing it right   wonderful special at seven lakes motel high room     shortcake     a man asks are you from around here     possible to speak to any     reading similarillion near to crying thinking of   nor can alter the music in my despite for he that attempts will be my instrument in making things more wonderful, which he himself hasn't imagined   taking them into the house and leaving again   thoughts sound like quotations   rain     the other marsh and inside it room sucking pussywillow this morning experimental station didn't want - car lights battery flat - errors phoning - wrecked clock fixing it   but luke - it was to have him I would - refused     but?   ritual     to be good in this house j and when I was looking for paper to write her found val's letter lost for days 16 rain     wet wood fast #1 simil     labour and wrong notes - being away - junk reading   lonely   greg's letters   17 thursday   working first light on wall     willows winnow birds     blackbirds and small birds wood     mortar   washed floor   work - not able to stop   evening light on the wall     oscillation on pink and blue     outside suddenly see glory     walk onto field and find the hidden marsh after that, the grove at the pump molasses tea johnny helping start car     pulling on field road mail     four from you and the exciting catalogue [triangle] to knock out fever     j and t hanging over [letter] #3's kick did make me want to cry. You're angry. I accept. We'll tighten our cheeks. The front room and upstairs front have windows. - An airplane went over low as I broke twigs. I thought of you in it looking to see if the house is inhabited. Contemptuous of Luke because she's two years older = about 4 as girls go. No not at all Esther. She watches with her own judging eyes and I imagine how I saw adults when I see her. If it was Zoe, who likes my storyteller - They'd likely have a hard time here in snow. I think those children are us. I've thought cars don't start without electricity. Imagined stocking up and snowshoes. That long lane could never be cleared. Yes it could be done. Flamethrowers. Hire someone to snowplow. The swans are only here coming and going. Can't go from Vancouver because it's charter. We could have a mule or snowmobile. Revised my snake piece 1st May. No bewares, no deadlies, no blackflies, mosquitoes there are repellants, smudge (green grass on fire) in the outdoor stove, there's a netting. They haven't come yet but in June will be bad. By early August unless unusually wet they've gone. Hatchet and axe here. Machine saw would be good though not necessary. Trees fall close. Tofteland's toff-land old house. They live on the Olson's road in the 4th mile north from highway, house set far back on the west side. Tone the old woman, Jesse, John. [map] In Hythe good noon meals at the 7 Lakes Motel. Bring some nuts and dried fruit if you can get bulk at co-op. Use my card - Strathcona Collective - at East End Storefront, they may have thrown it out - or you can get visitor's rate I think - it's good for rice - stoneground flour - also. Especially the flour. If you have room bring the foam from Paul's. A couple of cooking pots and whatever you need to cook comfortably. Sheets. How can I know if it's to be winter. Sometime I'll have to work again. Use your wisdom. I'll make an outhouse. The refrigerator's made. You'll find both by their trails. - Today the last of the four. You're there in the typed. There's your pleasure of educated words. The temptation to elegance and then the strength in your jeweller's cut. Your frisson's different from Borges I think, he likes to play with long patterns, in you it's smaller scale. I can feel you making up a world with joyful meshings where one thing falls into place inside another. Bragging postures calling for educated players. Setting it up close to the dissolve. Yes slide rules. How far can it slide before it disintegrates. It's the way when you use some words at a certain level of precision the rest of the words are in danger. I learned that in Rilke. You create a reader who wants every word to have that depth or multiplicity and it means half the text wants to get killed. The opposite, I've been finding, is where I start to read and am cross, the words are so bad, and then am glad just to gallop with the pictures, never see another word in the course of the book. Your long words also tack it to word by word. Have a sadness toward you still. I think it's from your evasion. You're here in the dreaming and making of the house. A step so I can sit with you on it. But hesitation when I ask you to bring things, as if I'm putting myself on a foolish branch. The list that went to Hong Kong in case you didn't get it. From food co-op stoneground wheat flour, nuts esp almonds and hazel if good, dried fruit, a good cooking oil maybe safflower and a little sesame for Chinese, soy if China Lily isn't good enough, fresh ginger, none here, good teas, a few strong cooking pots and what you need to like to cook. A few plates if you want to eat nicely. Very small hatchet here but need whetstone. Sleeping bag if you want to grump off. Foam from Paul's, if you have room your other one too. Gas saw if you want it. We can do without but if we want winter pile we'll need one. I'd love it if you were here when I got back, 20th in Edmonton, but how will you sell your car so fast? Do you want to sell it here? Doubt anyone would buy it here. We could do with mine for a while. It's running well. There's a red three quarter ton truck for sale, Chev, old, with a fine little room built onto the back, don't know how much, I'll find out, I like it myself. It looks amphibious. The person at the gas station says it's not good for long distances. It would be cheap. Motor might need work. Tough body, high wheelbase, used by a lineman in the bush, has a gas tank welded on side. You'd like its metal I think. Maybe you could drive up in a rented, with your books, although bus takes many packages free. Mary would meet you at Hythe. Or my sister would. You wanted to be a truck driver. 18 right eye wrong   upstairs   still held to her meanness     angry and sad   garden digging     third day   bought seeds   cold wind   natalie edwards [of the Canada Council] saying enormously   got the near death feel   the beauty is already in london   marsh mirror family sent me out*it was sunset rush come back     the two geese seem to patrol   yellowheaded bird   and I forgive you because of it   black prickle for the first time since   evening call was through rabbit's land to the secret marsh felt odd am I really here in this place no one knows     blackbird's cry warning     two pintails rise     water floods boots     find the scented marsh flowers she brought/found this morning     magic and a beauty in the mirror     the sudden one minute sunset light on tree   [letter] A month. I'm impatient even knowing it'll be hard. I want to hear your voice but will you want hate. The house is a dreamer's and its marsh. Don't come here and despise it. I'm sore too. What is this soreness. It's a long time you've complained of me, and has been a very long time alone, nearly a year, suspended and separated, isn't it enough. - Looking for the word - mutation isn't it - I saw I was thinking of a river - you must have done this work some long time ago - I always escaped it (Olivia's Old English classes) - Anglo-Saxon. My mother can almost easily read, it's Low German. Was showing her Caedmon Sing me something. I like in the poems what he called the parataxis, two columns, and some of the sounds. Some of the spellings are yours. Going through from Angle-Saxon to American vernacular in one day made me see subordinate clauses in the Shen Chou as miracles. The sophistication of gerunds. I was curious to see y/our variations next to a spectrum. The author praised English as himself and I was liking it too but wanted a non-Indo-European language to compare. Fewer people speak English than speak Mandarin. He said E is most economical, fewest syllables per. A language made by practical winners (you and I speak it because). So is Mandarin that too. They're learning English in Chinese schools (Ronning slides). I want English and Mandarin to cross and from that any other language we like, there to be a planetary language, and all the little languages kept too, fluent Anglo-Saxon, fluent Elizabethan ("Early Modern"). Pound must be the only one to have begun to do it. Scuse me I'm plodding. Frustrated to be both happy with some of last night's story for Luke and unhappy not to know the end of the story. Something wrong with that thought. Boggling (yes the antipodes are fine) but something - I'm too crude and slow - sense of wilfully wasting 19 had resolved to give morning something to hurry awake for, left the pages put forgotten and found under the couch, for early work - began with language - what am I doin' this for, but the beauty of the thought in the phrases - I had built a companion for myself - phrase in journal sent to take machines- the alarming zit -   bath, need one, go past mail     oil very low     two letters but the first phrase I see patronizes, glides     earlier than what's here, so useless   mary comes from the quiet living room where she was reading blake     youthful harlot's curse / blights with plague the marriage hearse     blackening churches     I ask of her affairs     feel myself head lent on the chair as if feeble     delighting in thinness and wearing white shirt in washed blue jeans   la glace     saturday store     see it not, feel its calm, protectedness     a man with humor in his mouth     familiar, who? wayne? [moodie] for the table   caraganas     watching wood break some when I take off the boards = wrong speed     at east place flames on the hill between black and grass thatch     looking for a stone     the good triangle     then going to see if there's another, but the impulse had turned back, wondering if the impulse knows what's there     or was it fatigue     fields smooth cultivated look alive   digging heavy soaked soil ice around stones in it     angry as I dug telling her not to come if I can't be with the woman 20 sunday but dark     fire already from bed obsession of anger     type it eloquently when I say it's my scared hurt ugly sad regained fought for     I'm crying     your sweet child in a box     but have thought maybe I protect her little one out of wrong reverence for my own     or right     but the letter said I'll die without a beauty in my arms     my one fidelity     there's the patrol     is this month bad for brides     purification new clothes     yes     they're feeding on the field     I wanted new clothes, lying on the floor in 5th fast thin pink     dug a row     nettle tea     squirrel making an easy road through the spruce     just running horizontal     spruce in the wash water     the marsh chrysanthemum perfume     lying on the grass opened eyes directly onto norway     boards - red - white flowers inside - spruce tip next to it on the sill, the dark glass     open windows on that surface - old chair standing in front legs set among clods of earth - camera to try the ways of the beauty of the outside of this house     the red and white and glass says something, the evergreen branches in its eyes, it's fairytale but what - it says heart - sweetheart - clear sweet heart why's the water muddy, will it clear the place is an inner but the shape of the house says love I'm sick of you your twisted ways oh artemis come lie with me, gloss, your blueblack hair     or not     white house with lace on the clothesline     set a few stones 21 pleasure of thinness was for getting the cupboard mary and the three girls     we got the truck out, they loved to help with the cupboard a beautiful skinny girl in glasses   the cupboard, and finding its position so the door won't bind     and filling it so the kitchen's clear and what a likeable room with low windows     going up the stairs looking back at it   bench for the front table   getting the cupboard out with tire iron wind     the beautiful boy     joan and taking nails out of boards 22 hot sun bareback rocks beginning to set them deeper     small, bridged entrance and fire     found the place for triangle [making a stone courtyard with a small stove outside the lake house kitchen door]   then mail and gave all day into candlelight to trying to penetrate sort reply find position to 10 of the most honest     spiteful     indulging     crazy   house   23 sun and sleep more and no longer sun and collect clothes and get in car     alone in seven lakes motel dining room   the square stone     at home when it was set it began a different feel of rock setting big stones sunk deep     blocks on the surface mayan     the earlier stones look worse     found some in the grass here     big yellow wet stones came up a little translucent newborn eggs     digging thinking of the girl in the datsun mad at her husband mad at you will I send the stern one after all thought I'd settled those is it hunger make lunch then     your writing     ms magazines remembered     medium but impossible world     you've made me argue     don't want     you wanted misery after all and maybe I'll like it   first leaves the lonely hit when I told the waitress and realized my awkwardness   tasks after the rocks the upstairs room setting boards     looked good     working     then earth feel and rub out lumps build the bed blue string stretched width of path for luke hurrying     it's will she because I allow this abuse want to continue     will it be war     rebellion, I'll fight and win     no, I don't want that     yes it might make us smart alert and live     we might get funny and close like she and sandy     but that low mind! will I     like that most of the day evening urgent to go to post office     nice to see new green with pink but for two month old nother mad one     fire water food but go plant     four kinds first     blue green red green 24 digging     triangle stone found its place found reply to you     einstein's old woman     satisfied   evening drive with helmer jenny bernice familiar high     carrying the dead beaver in a sack     horselake settlement helmer saying lift her up here the little girl   martin lake     moose swamp 'now it's time for coffee'   he offers me turkey     I say I happen to have some here and take it out of my breast pocket   holding jenny's skinny head 25 to m's for her goodbye meant helping garden the wild oats tape I saw I was pleased to please him there was a good lunch and giggles tomato plants and mrs fimrite named me all her plants   the rare green of forests from a distance*and blue mountain   her fluffy hair   more stones   the stone pile with pale light under trees, violets and the grass fire burning thinly on the other side of the wire     color and charm of the rocks driving home cautious scared to break axel 26 what work for saturday valhalla and dig the poppies   cleaning the squirrel's room begin at the closet     cardboard over holes, bring down ceiling paper sweep walls     wash floor boredom of cleaning but the ugly room is alright bits of paper on the floor squirrel on the verandah impatient while I worked     had dug easily through     again   mouse in the nettle water jar   evening restless clean light clothes tony's     he doesn't know me     the tuning period     'warmer, not so vibrant, your survival isn't at stake' looking out windows he's slow and likes to notice and say he notices     he's a girl, said he read playgirl     the sunset pink and blue spacecraft against purple 27 wind     fuller to make me smarter to meet you     energy event relations     revelation when he said sometimes it may take years     or generations     for the answering service to answer coffee on Sunday, speed   eager duty these days don't want to stop to eat fuller and then out wind to saw a pile and then walking with saw on shoulder looking for violets a moment having curved in the bushes when I came out and saw metal blown lake pale green verge, east, I was lost for seconds until I saw the house remarkable turn     thought to invent a suave signature because yours is beautiful     something a tonal diagram     science notes from sawing at the pump thought to write bill about books and successes     rilke was on back     wanted to tell him how classier I am notes to you     find programs nurture and foster   heavy foot water on the iceland poppies fade light snow difference in visibility of rain arabi notes     the love realized in loved one day hard to bear   painted rest of upstairs thinking of the a-v 28 waking and staying and waking from dreams remembering judy and I cleaning out to move, old clothes, finding more, a picnic, I found the top of a tank, listing it found two brown leather collars the soldiers presumed decayed, but was interested to take a rifle seeing it wasn't raining, built a fire and lay on the floor reading tolkien to be somewhere else, the smith who visited another land and gave up his gift     baking     car will the road hold     shock no warning solicitor's letter a letter weapon releasing a blow into the belly     knowing I was injured going to j's letter, glad it was there but, cryptic, written so I can't know     sick     but less wound [Roy's solicitor wrote from Cornwall requesting permission to adopt Luke.] wrote immediately to solicitor, sense of dealing quickly the right way     then to get wood, and most of afternoon smell of the small poplars coming through to rockpile leaves at body height standing contemporaries     roots into the trunk and piled, sense of yard making, the wood bits trodden at sawhorse     likeable curve from spruce gate to door     another curve to the cooler, west     liking how some of the stones lead off to grass or path     not knowing what else - the rhubarb - found more in a line - remove caragana fallen over it, thinking of jane, why, living with, the supporting women I didn't thank, debate in all this time is winning / or acting to be an upright person, not being taken into too small maneuvers     lonely     dull, work with dull inability to stop, 'they' taking easy ways making it harder for me 29 hythe - beaverlodge for nothing - penthouse and the druggist's flat eyes seizing - badness - carmichael, revenge, talking to o - hungry devouring chops and salad - workpants - vanity inventing london filmmaker but ashamed I'm not blasted in work forgetful of body - 'in control' of practical territory and not liking - is carmichael something to do with her - pending - look pretty mirrror brought to fix pants - work'll cure   oh mer cur y vanished too ear ly rockpile thought, who's mercury   anxious about luke     revival     working war with j and roy     making the defense     what is this sort of time     defensive     defending     what's the threat does it have to be met or move our of its path     war rises     is she leaving now     nightfall     in hk it's 30th the typing errors in solicitor's letter     rockpile and making     il se bat it's battering underneath religion songs these days I let them sing     revolving front     nightfall work in the yard thought of anna as I do often     cleaning shape between house and west     nw     putting rubbish east which seems less important   fables sky layer over layer blooming moving at the marsh it's a vast underneathness making the room also     fast sort of papers work in the tao of physics a familiar home this is the right way     the cloud's matrix 30 didn't know it would be -     gave myself coffee but not until after beginning back into the physics and being able to understand one concept after another invincible     heat     naked     first day of the front porch     reading pencil typewriter     lying down naked to watch thoughts 1-2-3-4     the currents of wind on skin felt a land     figs in milk delicious milk     hungry all day tone on the phone a young voice 'you could come for dinner if you liked'     'does jesse sleep in the afternoon?'     'oh no, never' proudly   [Tone Tofteland asks me to take their anniversary portraits.]   who was here - her - thought is this peaceful day because she's back safe - c and holly and o - luke and r and s - him, slightly - paul - tcr - andy - joann - tony - pooh - j and m and akash - traffic slight but many - not until evening, digging out the stone attached to a tree, I realized how intently I'd been with 'ian macintosh' - past and present - triad farewell - feeling my parting from j, but not yet - dug the hole under incline branches - chicken supper - maimed and studied a mosquito watched the next probe a spot on the wrist several times sank and pulled it out very slight sting - rapidly gorging and pumping, full*   marsh marge evening the fidget male and leading pintails and led to a magic canal territory*mattress outside*clouds watching june 1 evening 6:30 up and down have each other strange needed charm felt like knowledge 'with charm the strange quark had its own partner'   upstairs work     intent through particle book   quick move to inhabit the angle roof room   tony lugubrious about buddhism at post office     I lay down on the gravel     he didn't notice   if strangeness had no stranger companion   flow     looselip     of image   inspired built stove suddenly knew it had to be across     bricks enough easily found evening     in dark watching looking from all sides feeling for hottest     the new fire made hot lemonade     sat on square stone looking     fire between bricks     chimney works 2 woke in upstairs overcast no mail stove rebuild before breakfast sound of coffee   washed floor in new wood room the airplane followed to airstrip     another land and then this one   chapter on universes   digging and not stopping     labour with axe in white shirt     see legs and boots and socks dressing for   hythe     bad cutlets     thin pants purple windbreaker planting   cutting caragana for clearer south   changed stove again 3 swimming in water that had a floor - spotlight, at night, left something heavy on the right     lights suddenly went out the religious group     (dying woman 'it's all true') said it was time came out of water took off ballet shoes and silvergrey tights some of the skin under the tights was dry     woke     earlier found seeds packages left under and behind only saw them lying on floor - that sharon next door had burnt filing cabinets and safes lonely     mortality heavy tired after, even before     toftelands     red shirt green pants and the self feel they make     light     dish of manure and against reputation, the blue flowers     quick dug in potatoes manure, hand formed oh bored tired flat   the junk pile and stove     but without oven fast ordering the photographing     equipment to make it impress but would it have been better without the tripod, too much space over their heads     he's staring down she gets giggles and puts her head on his shoulder     you're foxy     the light and we set up the bank of flowers behind   the quests     she sat for the light in zoom her face filling     not right, a superficial presence and much too fast   vision     your face frog through truck window looking left     in two days have heard your voice but     closed channel angry 4 monday means post office     three from hong kong     andy's plea     she says not for a month obtuse losing me I cry beside steering wheel     stephanie she's there confused at tony's     confused home tired betty jo's lip and breast     absence closing chest with arms why, am I nuts     tony also not knowing how to look at her on account of not at that moment wanting to dig     strawberry's     tony here hand on the pump handle 'grandpa always had time'     lay on the grass read magazine stories zonking     hatred for everyone     smoked on step walked saw nothing returned upstairs read her letters again     lying down contented 'thinking'     knew she wanted me to call wouldn't go   drinking jar of raspberries 5 rain early and going to phone     how was that     attached by sentiment but angry wanting to hurt bitter careless take three quarts of blood from you and pour it onto my tomatoes     missing or not even trying     and under it the bewildered link that had me calling rather than not     she said she'd been sleepless wanting it last night     home suspended hating 'mediocrity' paul and kathy the flattered man the flattering woman donating her life to make him manly     working carelessly through the particle notes seeing the first reading quite well made although personal inventions mostly useless     working felt love warm diaphragm     wanted it to be later to phone back,   mary seeming lumpy through     her willing to cast mimi as bad woman     I indulged discussing j's sickness     diana strong voice safe saying she looks worse than I've ever seen her   and back and her voice at first had a fast vibration then she was righteous and we 'tried' and then     I only liked it when I was asking and she telling how it was with ez and other 6 dream helmer saying let's go to bed     kept thinking it a day later, would miss the plane, by mixing weds as thurs getting uglier again     beaverlodge to buy $5 new pants     cherries, is it june? hitchhikers, omni a lot of time in omni     then the cupboard so it won't disgust you     then washing     cold fire indoors allday     instructions     cross and despairing toward you   lovely pink and I go out to mail for j and m, then beautiful lute and voice elizabethan music as I drive slowly in afterglow up the road of former home, stop near the lake to hear out a perfect song     frog galliard     fields     at dolemo's the slip careless where am I why am I letting myself be this     and then with two instant coffee some real play coming     peeking through the holes of blouse doing the dishes feeling balances neg and pos singing over dishes     bernice and I speak for each other the neutral current 7 went down into it     t as little on lap I mean was held above coming let myself sink and was in it days of the new pants make your bed     I hate you     wash floor for you clean out car     set in order     walter webber when I was unaware nothing on gathering the blankets     he whistled to show he was coming     a bleached face     moment when he took off his hat and the little head     long fingers     I am taking positions and thinking, staring, what's an old man     his elegant vocabulary     'there are some who can't figure you'     storeman's pleasantness as if sniffing   when there was sun to wake I said oh it's lifted then it was cold again   [letter] Pain at the breastbone. Does it point to you. don't know, although you're named in it. Your letters have been a long time not knowing I'm here apart from being your danger: I'm lonely and restless, the spring has been so drawn out suspended. My love's at the other house but I can't move there yet, it's too cold to live without the stove and the road's still too wet to get it there, I don't know how to get some money and the last twenty dollars (I don't mean send me some, it would be too late by the time - anyway), food and gas for how long? A familiar anxiety, so many times and it always comes out but imagine it: a sort of hardship you don't put/find yourself in. I'm tempted to steal glass for the house but can't because it would make me crooked with these people, having something to hide. Suspension. Over a month of it oh! hard to bear. And not close to the country either, not able to read much, eyes hurt. Seems I can't be again until June and to have to waste May - don't believe in this living in the future and try different creations, disciplines but I want to be us there in that house learning what's next. Pressure an intolerable pressure. Can something be made of it. It was hard to tell you about money but I did. Twice. See whether we can transform it out of a shame into an information. It's an old shame anyway and not mine (my father's). But tell me how it felt. Now it's moved to the diaphragm. I haven't heard from you since I told you about London. How can we fit ourselves. When were you going to come, is your ticket bought, will you be able to leave. How are we to get through this wait. Shall I mail this anxiety or hang onto it and say nothing 'til it's clear. Oh it's so long. I want to go to the festival, need to see work, but. Have you finished Sordello - nevermind we'll be firm and fine and work and meet at last. How'd it be if I had a job while you worked at home, it would be sunny days only, might be alright and just enough money to manage and working with plants. You'd have it all quiet. Later when I'd written 'quiet' I got up went to the car, wet roads under a northwest arch pale orange that way, a storm half an hour gone. The road from the highway greasy for the last half mile, hanging onto the road by very quiet movements of the steering wheel. Sneak. Walking through the stubble fields testing how far boots still sink, and getting to the house when there was only a little light from the north. Sun's already setting quite far north. Going from room to room shyly and looking through all the windows. The upstairs north bedroom will have such lovely summer nights. Air busy with ducks' wings. Groups of 3 4 5 in a hurry toward water. The magic of the place so strong, little by little I'm looking out from it at how the land lies. It's a tentative - coming to it in the dark I noticed - courtship. And the front room, this is comical, I realized, going straight through the kitchen to the back room, it felt in the dark as if I should say good evening to the front room first, as if it were the parents of who I really wanted to see, and that was the upstairs north bedroom! You may be sending something there, as if I went there to be with you. Such delicate heart-rending music on the radio. The breadth of the land I could see to northwest, the way the opening of sky in one direction made a long distance, air full of sounds. Those delicate marks of willow branches. I'm telling you a moment I can't tell you. Please will you like me again not because you'll be safe with me forever, as I know I'm not with you, but because I'm here and won't be here for long and we can talk to each other and be in the same times and places and if we really are mortal isn't that already enough to make us cheerful together. - A goose couple standing, at some distance, in the water on a field, twilight. They have their back to the road, with a look of thoughtful intimacy as if seen when not impersonating animals: were they thinking about what to do next, settle or try further north. [June 8-20 the London festival, I take the bus from Beaverlodge to Edmonton to fly from there] [in London for the Experimental Film Festival] immersed in one test after another     no seeing what'll come     he said in motion all his attention is taken by knowing where he is     he needs a few minutes before he can talk     what's the quality     speak to the one behind     it's the one in front who's controlled     hyksos     and dismayed she's not right she was speaking as if an american the feeling of doubling was the voice ever her own - something cheerful     smiling at the rosiness of her face I miss their dark thin suspicious faces watching without vaulting into the ugly something still sees     startles at how much more it could see     they've withdrawn     leaving me with the one I said I wanted back     and what is she she's plain     she still looks     still eccentric     he said, I like your film very much     cheerful says hello socially improved     lights to the white spirits     doesn't suspect     deke was suddenly quick and I barged into him for vincent and he made it faster - dream land     climbing into the room over the barn, would I be heard from below, rubbish, one window at the end, I could write there, someone below phoning police, I went down to show myself     when they spoke about your film did they speak in their false voices?     yes barn - some family I know from before     unrecorded dream of their possessions     bed chest rooms     "wienses"     none I know     they're leaving or coming back     sarah's child sarah has a son     he's all there     today's coming back to wanting to cry     saying excuse me it was no success     flower pictures with the dead leaves on     it mentioned the sense of hesitating at the     seeming to hesitate at the beginning of another dimension, not another dimension, risking existence without safety for the one who wants to be better     draw of the refused it's all in creams     there's a very large space around me     I'm on a line, like a tightrope     at the end there's a platform and a door     I want to get to the door but I'm afraid of the space     if I look around the line disappears but when I look forward it's there again     it's not a real door, it's like a shell     the door is open     and the cream is even whiter inside it     oo     laughs in the circus atmosphere a still point     door casting     what speaking formally can martha imagine to want     shadow [sketch] it was more like the door folded in folded in and there was a lighter cream inside and the doors were a darker cream slightly and then the outside of the door was brighter just at the rim     then it just didn't end it just faded into the space I sensed I was here yet I felt I was somewhere else lower down [sketch of childhood kitchen] from child's eye level woman in kitchen clearing dirty inside cupboards clearbrook road remembering walking looking delight the road broken     a porch without its step, for car to climb over where I'd seen old people doing fine work     I saw an old man in a demolished room holding up a paintbrush with cream colored paint     the clearbrook road house order gone a house in forest with wood apron will I have to leave it soon 21 June [When I get back Jam has is in the house with her dog.]   beaverlodge sat up saw its lights coming body knew let bus be unknown - standing wanting to close the bus door - car not there - street opened mud - saw its flank quiet     note there before I had time to think it - gave it a kiss and car started - opened oil tin with crowbar north opening flat mist unfamiliar roads     in the last mile turned off lights - smells, head out window, cold spice lake blanked mist boundary trees the corner when it came unfamiliar, space changed     road track stopping walking looking at road abruptly house before I expected, in white and the little car kissed it - garden, standing looking     at the gate moment seeing caragana blossom it had turned summer height of grass a flood     garden there     objects, look to see how she's making it     rooms one by one hear a sleeping sigh     at the last the stairs and latch and dog greeting intense but silent     under the net look laugh others     hold belly     dim   sleep     a moment passionate arrangement sleep     naked because it was hard establish the crudities straight     fire     two visitors called they didn't know by what     this room     la glace calling morning     creases and light of net 22 [My sister Judy and her husband and son visit.]   her baby     a third eye, not a white and black one, all blue a very powerful being     when he came out     but they gave him to me in a bottle how the frog swarm how I argued for my employment   you said work on you in your stiff voice michael stood close enough to the shoulder to sent heat     j is formal     m recounted     both served me first akasha and j bumped marshmallows, akasha cracked up     j went to put him out 23 [first day tree planting for Dirk Brinkman] banging doors the argo     plastic 8-wheel drive     smoking lurch     mud carved     water ted not judging and thinking to ask what do you do that neighbouring other country working thinking about learning work the come-on [come-along], a winch screefing     hoedaddy a mattock standing at the trucks     two north country voices     dr finlay and janet delight at how they play not badly forest bewilderment     making lines where I can't see     they help   bodies     the big lip doesn't have his hat on because -     not very genderly except the mother watching their skills     ted's boot knot the plastic   women glowing at their men at table plastic sunroom around heater readable books 24 driving hardly seeing thinking how to work the areas   nakeds in the sweat lodge swimming easily   thinking stranger's     and procedure task startle     seen before, treeplanters sweeping     SW ted standing next to the truck   it's orientation and I think about orientation areas taken and held in the next movement what's done and how   gabriel and his beautiful wife, they stand together each holding children   looking at persons     are they there they all seem not real     and you too little head 25 crewcab on left     looking entirely out the window at clouds without description white not white edges     parts     strong contraction from blue and blue concentrated thinking what     how to set eyelines, making temporary knowledge of terrain without any other use why learn why give a day learning this ground     good ground     what     how to choose landmarks     they're happy and work well time in back wanting to give up don't want to plant these little parts     reinventing technique gabriel's wife naked     her eyes and long legs     standing pouring water down her hair     the baby in a bathtub saying da da da looking across the road at me they're always at the bathtub, she heats the water for when we come home     the cook made a cake for genique because he said it was his birthday the dancer I met at the line ted's mild plot testing     calm around him   mosquitoes neck and face     white tuche ground and mattock     9' misgauged 26 late unskill     hear uncomfortable voice they're loose but attractions changed thinking why aren't I charged with ambition nonexistence more     it begins to be real and then I start to fail withholding feet hurt heavy awkward slow no other identity bathtub     fire     sun     breeze   backing car into ditch   so many big breasts   she said she'd broken up and bought land     how much she likes the textures of weaving june's voice   their energy inventing anything 27 earlier     dream     clearbrook road     destroyed but memory given back walking ecstatic looking at real houses carefully     snow mountains     someone else's memory     where old people had worked skillfully, a broken house an old man holding a paint brush white paint no step onto the porch and porch on the road when she woke: be careful driving today   an area, I took more, blue ribbon, breeze fed rested paced right, white shirt bags emptying   rain as we came in on the argo the silver slants morning driving movie, dust, the beautiful dog's head mooning back, a hand on a knee, the back of a head, kerchief   ted's eyes     the other blond man whose balance pushed at me     sauna and it's easy to swim body lies lighter     work place persons easing as if yesterday was hard change   she had troubles 28 she was standing catching mosquitoes felt bed as the slope, deadfall humps, thrashing, bites, ache in arms and feet dolemo's love made smooth face an uneasy little boy in hythe the people passing on the sidewalk an old woman in a pink dress the man who said poor fellow poor fellow then the parade of children each looking down at us and ezra under the tree     for telling czap story someone's coming     it's the treeplanters we brought you a friend room loud unlikely anyone will do   everyday garden and stones, pans   talking as if it's possible   menlo, brian upstairs     ted   mice ran squeaking across the floor   a yellow crescent nearly due west 29 center room through to landing window cleaned workroom sang looser and deep though not new sat on triangle in garden she wept because of the indian boy we find ourselves in bodies good positions there's that and then there's you     I'm not sure you're together     I'm sure spoke to person in yellow shirt standing in live grass we're eating salad leaves a mouse follows her and looks at her she says anna cut poplar branches, I said it would take away the squirrel smell we gave her a mattress for under the carpet genetic pool, the races mixing     1200 babies after niemegan rolling toward kisses she read morris on the future paradise that's now the candle bracket and its house shadows two green gas lamps anna prettiest when I said can I help you with something     shall I draw you a map a push and to do it for me holding away form going toward fright invitation of the flowers' shadows on walls house becoming 'real' she was homesick 30 hating stumbling   further from     nothing to say among those who'd made it theirs   thought of finkenstein and lynne   overcast 1 july the song dividing into two lines we look surprised   working on the room   I wake to the sound of betrayal     free laughing   I saw you so often today your body and your face   she went out and came back a boy who fell into a puddle   her haunches but nothing else   spelling tests   I was sent up to sleep   'I don't want to be alone with her'   dream of the house I didn't want to leave     a wood apron in tree branches morrisons' house that's gone, I dreamed it boarded, looked where wedding party had been 2 night my husband german harmony singer spanish songs     sleeping after morning saw road too sticky but not wanting another morning her breakfast art science debate so she and I could war     what a whiny unfocused mind     the academy women and children     failed to penetrate a simple situation because I didn't want to be close to her because she was the woman I want to have left out j angry because when she was raptured I wasn't   judy haggard and then pink going away when the version was told rudy saying he didn't want to say michael 'it showed me my inside self, it taught me I'm not my body'   arguing about the spectator   she got stuck and left   'dream where you aren't generous to sandy'   cut wood in wet no they're still speaking from those old assumptions 3 early     infinity sky is back     waking alone     your remove     fire after wet ashes     try the road     delicate touches on wheel brake and pedal     the road has ditches     cooking breakfast I shout to loosen it     you're a sulking father camera: rounded parts of green halkion a kingfisher gk hals sea   looking for the right lens length     none have the depth gnats     ripples     waver shows stream between steam let out exhales from below     a yellow butterfly into right edge is there among yellow caragana     white cloud between gate spruce     ezra low in grass and frame     could move frame and f     is infinity setting in focus?     slight allusive forms     a novel white birds over lake nearer and farther from their picture pleasure that birds has wave muscle     hope it's true put off work to help polyfill the veil removed we are both awkward mourning stubborn many stories not told yet marsh     mallowy flower these are the grass days     it's feather overlay with water drops also garden     tall young things children     beets thee cumulous' core blooms out   story of the drunk dancer     other story of london artist 'you tell stories that let you go on'     my feelings hurt, she said the drunk dancer moved her more 4 4 orange     back     5 paler orange     6 you're apart     mist     the last miles of mud car bottom scraping     kitchen I'm first in     spoken more friendly     brian's language 'when those who are fleeing have fled'     slough blue green mush     head under     shaking out hair     squeak     when it squeaks like that what could it be poet     wall shadow him     where did I note to read him? jo ann     'that's a very good poem' 'which?' 'I don't know, I could feel it'   her under the blue coverall hat backwards little nose painting ceiling rubber boots on table roller on a stick sense of history unreal these days question sense of history back to season of yellow fields at home looking and looking at the garden rows washing dishes sweeping out porch and kitchen once and future king for mary ed's bare head vulnerable under the car   part 4 up north volume 2: 1979 february-october work & days: a lifetime journal project