up north 2 part 4 - 1979 july-august

work & days: a lifetime journal project

[alternative edited version] 5 July, the Lake House in the night     squatting over basin in the next room     at first it was shit and then it poured out     she got a basin     sleeping better and not getting up     hythe     hot     the pharmacist red lipstick OMNI one for her and one for me     laundry     fred tweter     she slept and I lay in the sun next to the car reading front to back insects after supper     come here     two     reading a scroll now one of them has given it up and is knitting   the reflector from south     grass is different the color of the orange poppies, and the rows behind lettuce draws my eyes     brushing her hair I liked to do it and get her to take her glasses off   akbar and carmichael   the young man drunk     I was turning myself into a shield     'I guess I'm lost'   fire and stones, iron, crockery, ezra, food   faintly away     it's in a moment of earth transformation but not dream   lightning     reading earthshadow by lantern while she sat looking at lightning 6 at 6 time to work then clunk battery then not feeling right she paints slowly white I'm upstairs drinking coffee as if summer's peaked   excited not intelligent     looking through lens at grass points     gnats   she gets stuck and we break willow branches I remember it's their - liking michael who offered a riot     and wriggled to judy day went wasted mary's topknot     'your mother's a funny lady' he waited for openings to heavily speak judy walking as if watched j's white shirt and first fart   they brought pizza and a cake     we olives cashews everybody's heavy akasha's bee-sting and treat day walks whistling hands in pockets across yard   this morning in camelot     breakfast she worked I told about white in his marshes 7 back to notes too many crossings     want to be alone turning the car around and starting it morning pressures     thought moon missing crazy got rid of spring bed hydrofoils   wanting deep attention speech bad held away from it   grass field     yarrow   hanging it in corridor   the young squirrel on gate spuce who looked with penetrating curiosity, a child mother with teats   they used to walk us to the car     judy yesterday 8 stares and not speaking or stiff hate   they bring the canoe         I catch michael with a false smile that startles me     try to find things to give instead of heart     lemonade     books     salad     akasha easiest     michael likes to direct     our wills battle tentatively   car     she tempts me with wine   landing steps     through the screen flies a swarm evening     is this their full moon manyness     translation   'I've been saying things about you you don't want to hear' 9 in the morning she comes up to hug me   the parcel is only catalogs   pound liked the film perry   morning and pilgrim's progress, the it doesn't take him long   foot on table for sun to warm it   afternoon she writes still and I am painting kitchen white with brush thinking of andy and janine     c and t and r     brushing brings mild circulation of friends woke from being pregnant, there were babies wanting to come into the world     more of a train we were going on together     elevators looking for the old apartment     go back to vancouver to have a baby   ugly language still   and back to the tree planters 10 the road to swamp easy talking to liz but last through water sliding into holes - oh   woodcock and nest     current bushes hanging about listening to dirk and joyce and baby [Baba Brinkman]   strong smelling herb water stretch of swamp fallen logs under grass   home raining slog falling into the water   the stickleg making it hard and ugly   their sympathy as they passed fast made me grimace and then rage     squashed crying in throat because I can't balance   and after     going to bed early 11 breaking camp the muddy path structure comes down     high clear hall objects   suzanne said this amazing lady I said thank you for the sight of you she in the busiest   dirk one hand baby white clothes thin hug   menlo was always there and played a hand game   the convoy through deep mud thank you 4-wheel jeff     bow and shine NASA skylab protection orange hardhat   morning's planting liz and suzanne looking after me   home easy last road drive horn I'm home high fast talking     hot water feet glad     a shocked person     did you get the love I sent you yesterday 12 morning lying heads along parts of each other's body talking   by evening she's angry about menlo and her unsafety   at night tells me to leave     I'm not easy to wake   day? she works downstairs I'm in my room   at seven lakes motel sitting with liz brian yoann peggy and she     animated technical talk     she moves her chair back     I say something to say she's my ---     we imagine both planting suzanne's kiss   supper chicken wings spinach noodles happy skillful cooking was downstairs 13 cross worlds   dream jake kroeker saying he learned to live in deep dream     the fright of satan's world that must have also been jesus's? fright of trance     without it, trivial     but I don't like his look   rain to town     radio     long hills, pushing the car straining from the knee     careful     yellow fields oil derricks traffic spraying onto windshield   genique and yoann at sandy's     genique's small jewellry business and faded green shirt     yoann's witch eyes when she talked about images in her energy healing   luke's $518 ticket sent out and not knowing but I think -   the ditches on la glace road     clover sequence shining white sky plants field and old wood granary   maria's beautiful old mother said I'd gladly meet you again also   meddachs'bloum   playing with akash from tree planter freedom 14 auction akasha between us in the car ezra's heart cry of loneliness   blah talk   table 15 morning early mist walking past trees, edge of ditch plants (set up solitary) in ditches show single     road round ahead   red light from full red sun on red mud tracks   gather bluebells and strawberries on stems   offer and am refused upstairs sleeping eating judy and michael bring tony we eat at the park   she/he brings out cranky of 'them' judy tells stories in ease smell from back of truck   akash's white head without lips   chicken soup evening we talk about far form depth, money, and work and going to bed images 2 running zebras striped like tigers then see the sunset in bubble in blue coffee pot lid and watch colors come up from sides, turn, form peacock tail, run circular     abruptly pop 16 morning see moon [diagram of waning half]     mosquitos in evening hungry   breakfast talk about how she doesn't know the fright though she seems to know the depth     sandy said 'woman's depth'     living in this century seems to be a convention     watching to see if she'll stick with it     without shirt black pants I look at neck and shoulders touch breast simmering toward but she wants to know how it was   garden is the pull for love do I feed it its extraordinary life   how - looked on one foot one heel chinese pants in front of the stove   squirrels   lay in the meadow nearly alone     bare back   talk of winter   argue whether to kill mice     and about wasting food   lamplight   hopi, mahayana jean-vi not letter   one glass of wine she says the electricity is gone from not living near enough the edge     I'm hurt and she follows the plow but I know it doesn't stay connected - lid     bubble     sphere reflector     thin brief reflector edge     behind it small bubbles and pool of water     on the rim trees     spruce trees points into colored sky     lower edge house points black block     circumference all there     my head nearly the size of house     she passes toward fire in the sphere     small whole body shape (circles) moves around edge     a first clear color begins to form     spots on the hill     more swings up from horizon oscillating     turning elaborates blue green gold (peacock tail) foliate feathered makes itself     air pushes breath     I notice moves it strongest movement in itself colors flowing in spots up from certain areas of the rim     toward the clearing I see all of it can abruptly shift, an arm can form     stop partly unwind     an arm can reach from side abruptly across     red orange yellow streaming up from behind trees     who sent it     it moves fast and abruptly is gone pop     no seeing it leave     try again once     it sets itself fast rotation     looking doesn't grasp it can't remember which way it revolved     the last time, black and white     was it seen setting     soap and grease     invite her to     it won't form, or for me again next morning     'models shouldn't be elaborated'     decisively [version of version of Rilke Sonnets to Orpheus] mary face and body slidden     animate heavy dark strong vibration beauty of her rhubarb pies holding against her irritation with akasha 'patient'   aquiline and a light in the green eye greasy clothes on a frame hung over table reading paper conscience heard him listen to my babble with akasha, envious and contemptuous disinterested     don't have a light for them we move the c.h. house back to the old place, upstairs a bare attic room     I say we need chests     one each for clothes and one for toys     the chimney upstairs smokes when he makes a fire downstairs     I say isn't it lucky I planted a garden on (stilts) skids, beams, a platform so we could move it here     some small blue flowers     say it to him, standing on a hill looking at it, say it again to her differently, it was her I needed to tell     what about the lawyer, his things here and there, he's unpacked the two boxes I had film things in     two small old sewing machines     what is this     a chute and gate     he gets in the machine and drives it too far, he made that with road equipment     spent money did it well     very good fences     the grass has a few gross yellow weeds intrusives, they have to come out     I'm thinking I'll stay and make it a beautiful place, this time we'll all help him with his dream we're talking about how to repossess, the man has down sleeping bags there spread and piled in a corner     I say I'll help negotiate     she says looking sharp at me "no we need somebody bright and sharp"     I see it's a challenge     he says he's thought of all the legal angles in other dreams     back in the hospital, he says I have to stay a month, I say I can't afford to, then think I could, on welfare     an issue about good food 17 angry but said     elf face     she too pancakes     talking about shiela [Watson] and robin [Blaser] pictures     voluptuous meister eckhart went down to be kissed and upstairs to dream it's so dicey with you making jokes but not right   heat   hythe in the evening     walked some alleys seven lakes motel macaroni salad excited telling penelope pleasant to drive a pearl smoke east scent of yellow fields     wide base boards from loghouse she saw and liked his furniture rudy at crossroads back country     'enclosed'     slope brome brown her childhood friend's enclosed garden said about the beautiful old woman she encouraged harbinsche ek' sourrump     I was her courtier she came in with her hair down the two basket people and their laughing baby high road pink north right of usual mosquitoes bit a lot as I washed   night she's voracious I'm out of it wondering how to stop it fright of dark/vampire/satan and reviewing the evening   the neighbour taking out his thing, then t and c remark about balance, and then I have to tell because my absence scared her and we had the missing part but not calamity as feared 18 brief long days     hot     wanting to move in the evening     unable, cars     impatient with adaption talk     morning thinness   she slept in the next room   looking at the forms of that person compact her father young   johnny tofteland breaking a grass stem   reading 'new biology' feeling for   3 versions - mine of rilke     a few lines   awake at nght     cool right         she goes through garden and grass with the lantern     I watch with and through camera     shadows     her brown pant legs     violent sweep through porch rails     moves and stops     sets it here and there     a good program     timing of smart looking   go into the field to shit     see light upstairs in blue         downstairs white red black porch     stars 19     tuesday 9 am johnny and booster     teas, he sits on porch valhalla for gas hot     we go to ronnie anderson's and hazel's then we come home and get ready to travel     lemonade     boiled eggs the ditch, camera, slough     clovers meadow     brome and flowers     bright hazel's, house on rollers she in straw hat thinking through lens or just being surprised dugout     strawberries, tadpoles, the wallpaper water she knows I'm odd about the house     was it alice muffler falls off     going to borrow tools     it's easy for walter who's near naked   squatting to speak to ronnie anderson   then the stove comes and I'm caught with stovepipe sit on porch she tracks me to three confessions     getting away with the goods     a spite against 'do you want me to tell you what's the most horrible part of these stories'   then clean house 20 don't want to talk     away dreaming of travel, reading, IDLE   dream of telegram about luke among acrobats, pretty body of three piled with a ball     she knew there was a dream and said she felt hers broken and pulled toward me heat and the northeast wind we noticed making fire for breakfast   lying reading exupéry     the moment he watched his heart to see if it would stop   longing toward big life, refusing the materials of this one   she couldn't calculate the steps to wash her hair   escaping in the car     a wedding went through valhalla stopping at two houses, women dressed up buying presents     at mary's she's busy, in a ponytail, akasha's a gnat, I sit in the living room reading magazines     remembering last year's hut and naked life     the roof hole and flowing coud   film haunting   lightning 21 estranged: the wind has turned around     and blew all day morning from the dream of staying on the repossessed old farm with them and helping them make it lovely, from my gifts     hythe her eye swelled with a mess on the eyeball     the young man cutting a stovepipe   ezra - I said vicious     she - we talked about money   afternoon struggled with pipes more idling though wanting to work   she turned out to have been friendly because   story of sonia     and rhoda and walking through fields sunset, the shadows on field     chinese blue and green of oats in bouquets in rows     cracked ground   she said she's old   we want to talke root and we aren't taking root I'm getting more negligible all the time 22 sundays they had congee and other scuffling     'are you in the middle of something?'     laugh, she was addressing the postcard     then I was injured and shouted, then we went, then we came back, I sat upstairs then we went then we came back (about dianna) for hammers and saw then the camp and trailer and two trucks with young men strangers helped     we crept home with time to look at more and more ditches then we cooked then were exhausted and she had fun with postcards and I was lonely and then we were exhausted and now it's night I threw beans on her floor she pushed me into nettles and by then I'd agreed to let her send what she liked   then she came up to see someone she knew, and didn't, came when I was saying no, head north and buzzing     she looked wet 23 I dreamed - the maid with embossed flowers on arm she dreamed - she shouted as a bull would, help me twice or she'd kill me after she told dreams she said she smelled milk then we towed the car and rudy said roy phoned, luke is coming on wednesday   we were at their place, during the bach I looked up, a love wave, moved by the music, saw her and didn't hold it   went to valhalla to phone, looking for her they drove up I hung around making chat with akasha til supper, for supper and to be with people glad luke   all day low cloud piles     shreds     the color bliss road fields sky     blue, that blue, white, green, yellow tony said two thunderstorms mars square with jupiter     three deaths recent in valhalla we three and dog at crossroads, the truckdriver over, clouds over, sky in the road, she went into the grass, it was easy to say my kid is coming   - [not sure this goes here] the alternative to writing: that the grace of spirit should be instead of books to our souls. But, since we have utterly put away from us this grace, come let us at any rate embrace the second best course. 'the vigil' of the point writing     prerequisitely and simultaneously read, and does not meaning present itself as such at the point at which the other is found, the other who maintains both the vigil and the back-and-forth motion, the work, that comes between writing and reading, making this work irreducible? I will call structures these formal constants, these liaisons that betray a mental universe reinvented by each artist according to his needs. 'structure' spatializing confusing meaning with its geometric, morphological, or in the best of cases, cinematic model 'figures of rhetoric are always the figures of a geometry distinguished by its suppleness' Rousset: spatial models, mathematical functions, lines and forms like journals revelations of details of some time some one     and everything standing behind it form is beautiful because it makes things be, and being is beautiful     monsters beautiful because they exist through form the implication of the end in the beginning the search for the simultaneous explains the capacity to be fascinated by the spatial images: is space not 'the order of coexistences'     Leibnitz     but by saying simultaneity instead of space, one attempts to concentrate time instead of forgetting it in this demand for the flat and the horizontal what is the other of language one harmonizes the breath then swallows it, holds it as long as - one meditates on the affected part by thought one pours the breath on it and by thought makes the breath fight the malady by attempting to force its way through the obstructed passage when the breath is exhausted expel it then begin again when stops when one sees sweat running on the part 20-50 daily at midnight or 5th watch until well 4-d objects spiritually understood and spiritual objects physically [body invocation sequence]   24 [Jam and I drive to Edmonton, I in the Lark and she in her MG, I to pick up Luke at the airport and she to visit a university friend.]   testing compression the weak sound raining outside the workshop     where are you from? la glace     well tuned amusement we ride together for business ezra to mary     'coherent today'     I liked to see her speak and how mary listens grande prairie     the key man     'howcome you're so handy?' curious listening to the huldaman speak on the phone in a normal accent about trucks she and joe gas intent on the mg, joe lying back unable in the car, she was cranky fed, better, and then the car went sun behind beautiful road persian blue and green with and apart from the other traveler comedy at the restaurant     pushcar pictures intimacy with drivers who signalled I should dim, in the faith launch of blind and minimal clue driving a car's white light cutting into the red taillight dark     she pulls me off to love me fine concentration less after stopping to put on socks in the campground     'there are a couple of kids down there'     trees in windows     before falling asleep a pain misgiving, I thought she was with t 'the words I've concentrated my thoughts in, mirrors, symmetry, synonymy' thinking in shapes     we flunked each other's thoughts high voices 'in hong kong when it wasn't too hot i'd take my clipboard and ride the trams and trolleys around' - night driving lights marking pure space exercise at speed let the truck sweep it out ahead her even distance behind, I'm finding the road she drives more cautiously than I contemplating only left the road once the parks on the side of the road, parkland 25 early     white sky     condensation on glass she says it's noon I say no no it's still morning long waking     you're mad at me little high voices     get lost     roar up highway wondering     botanical garden visions of the house gardens the fright coming downhill     brake, away with her   devon road and airport     striding to buy arts canada in red shirt and blue-white pants     she was in the aisle I passed and called out, glad and sorry     what she'd rehearsed, 'did you think you could leave me with all the food'     grass     paintings made me want to take pictures of her sleep out of focus around her under the fender     soft red lip   waiting for 3:15 and then watching the amsterdam flight come off and greet     children at first standing then finding ways to help with the doors     the daughters at peace resting hands or heads on their father's big professor's head at the last wanting to join the children a glimpse through the side     straight, with a cap, he looks beautiful! a shining face and the offered hand     she stepped back but had her plans (ezra) and took pictures   ignition fire     the towtruck and truck manager     the man at the service station who gave him ten cents     the tire shreds on bump and service station and formal conversation     'originally'     and gunn's berth and seeing the familiar face, feel 26 [Driving back with Luke, blank page.] 27 waking with luke, he gets up and goes as far as the hayfield morning the owls flapping away I'm glad to see them and want to tell j breakfast on porch, he sits reading comics and I give him pennies go upstairs to 'work' - read heidi and a ransome book heidi another orphan conquerer heidi, freckles, anne, emily how they're written     nature, orphan and loving heart the ransome is competent children with each other what do they keep known   later sense of 'dream' is strong 'usually in groups, he's the leader, it's interesting to see' [Judy says of Akasha, watching Luke lead] heard it through the back window it seemed whistling for luke     it landed on the corner tree     I said, if you're the owl I know, you're welcome michael said in ruanda if an owl calls near your tent or house it means someone in your house is going to die 'I don't believe that'     had written benediction judy said among the indians when an owl calls your name it means you're going to die then told me a vampire movie     she enfolds and takes the life out of children, then has a sexual energy     'nous sommes pareils, richard' 'banana pop' I quailed for jam 28 sharing breakfasts wanting to go upstairs luke and akasha sometimes drawing upstairs, singing   wrote josie easily banana milkshakes store women don't know how to take it   easily tough and loving the arts canada looking for description of how it is     frankel   secularizing   sense of odd     between in and out     the out is not wanting to be functionary   sitting near fire he she I and luke at the fire making giddy jokes after supper 29 he came upstairs to wake me, I was awake around that I see the light of the room   I broke eight eggs into the red pot, each made a bell luke and akasha make the fire judy mixed the rest     I put on the griddle when I chopped kindling luke wanted to try that is his red plaid shirt and stance in front of the block     said for someone else because of reading leduc   akasha said, there's a little mouse there I said, maybe it's holy mouse judy said it's a very small mouse I looked and it was, I heard myself remarking about its unworldliness, I meant: I love you holy mouse     put my shadow over     it was among the stems eating small stinkweed white flowers then my hand, until my finger was at its head, I said, I'm touching it, it doesn't even know I'm there, two fingers, it seemed slightly to smell them then laid its head on the two fingers closed its eyes I was in the scale of mouse looking at the short, warm and longer hairs of it, small red crabs on its fur, white, long-fingered star feet     I was enlarged talking to myself in wide fast beats     is this really happening michael said, leave her alone she's in intimate communion with her mouse. when akasha said, can I pick up the mouse, michael said no before I did waiting for the mouse to go away     this mouse has put itself in my protection when akasha cried because luke hit him because he'd scared away a squirrel, the mouse went under the washbasin   evening pink     luke woke     we went in the car owl     lantern upstairs 30 luke's dream of a witch     mum far away cry woke me from walking through a doorway, leaving the lonely dance, a good fiddler played a walse, pregant, looking down at my black dress, two entering overheard how can she be pregant, she's never with anyone     anguish realizing I'd have to choose, the loss either way     then he called   working together upstairs, he did dream came upstairs with cover and pillow morning I touched myself slightly   later in the day intense, went downstairs for again hid in the north room     he and ezra looked   mail was a postcard of our washstone she was expecting us, michael's birthday maria and abe     the boy I didn't like ed doesn't either michael young wagner got through   messages     'do you feel abandoned?'   supper sad   began reading sword in stone, luke falling asleep   couldn't phone through 31 banging     a cheerful boy wanting to give us things luke's bicycle pumped     he had long excursions   restless reading needham     stupid desire away into buildings guestroom shelves and bed mistakes, 'incoherent' all day not wanting to cook     lonely larry and betty jo at different times   carmichael and I and j     he embraced me     said we must think about why we don't give ourselves to the one we most long for     I agreed I'd think about it     walking arm around waist in a former way     j was there as a flame, not bright, not unhappy, head like a dark flame, I kept looking to see whether she was going to be hurt, she wasn't   telephone     she tracked my voice I was defiant don't do your subtle ear on me     don't you make me feeble     and I will not give you the dream     angry 'I front-ended my car, it'll be about a thousand dollars' disliking self this morning what work etc building was right though not well made     only rapid august 1 slept in afternoon     luke came up to show boots in a catalogue I sent him down     made fried potatoes and lemon pudding for supper read the fish chapter of white on evening porch     larry there     when he'd gone to bed I had livening for darkness as if venturing wrote excited but it stops at fragments flow of pictures, movie, making, then wearies out   bright half moon 2 luke's sleeping later mornings     9:30 pancakes came upstairs     reading borges I thought I had a line     'it is possible but forbidden' making intoxication, fiction     the world is real alas, I am borges alas working but break at new refutation of time in borges sickness of the aliens, those who belong together, where there's no place for me pound and him   it is possible but forbidden her given task is to sort on the line   j's journals and volumes,     the brilliant modest teacher     wit and discernment     justice and balance, elegance     rank and position 'why are you giving it up for some triviality of a house without windows?'   sore luke easily leaving for the livelier place 3 the pain night     physical cut in the abdomen a vision 'ahead' into failure     losing you and the agony beyond     unreplaceable friend     awkward     poor     family unhappiness unchangeable in my having to leave family and neighbours who'd be unbearable if no one in the world knew me     maybe everything sacrificed to some 'work' I'm programmed to, which needs me in anguish, unattended, burning the house her journals my equipment sitting still telling the fire     sleepless     the pain I've held off, it's the pain that's her giving me up     and I'm hopeless, useless, bad, damned     under it a perkiness about what freedom would give     mixed with her foreignness, abstraction, unwarmth luke sleeping away     a drop eating roughly after staring for days mary's ten dollar bill we met on the road - meeting mary on the road again     very tired wrecked face at their house with akasha luke and shy marilyn away into schoolgirl friendshiip dream, leave him his plan to humble himself in the same way as last year luke's balance song play willingness beauty cooked fried potatoes, reading chapter among hawks the valhalla centre women start to want to not charge me evening vancouver journal     a plan     clean house     hope 4 [Luke and Ezra and I go to Hythe to meet Jam on an early bus from Edmonton]   most night wake beside sleeping luke early 5:30 make fire toast in the clean house to hythe high shouting songs we've been together in downdown derry derry at connelly's walking in empty streets across to elevators     bus     stumbling heart hurting would she standing beaming ezra's joy     breakfast wanting to hear story about sheila [Watson] bed telling luke and larry luke coming to look     la glace fair judy m and a, mary's long hair, lemon pie, bad conversatons     flower arrangements     looking carefully     larry's house and garden j home to sleep     evening reading chapters to luke went to bed lying heads together darkness talking sheila, and then giving grief for the loss of the kingdom going blindly alone into it but able to trust her good understanding giving peacefully on a strong floor   luke came to join 5 morning     muffins     all waking   hot fire she began to be ill     afternoon bitter complain that she didn't have right food     I dismayed she'd broken the glad reunion so fast     she lies down luke listens carefully     I'm patient and see blissfully in strong light     helmer and bridgit, they're happy, then at medanery's     fart and fairy, luke cracking up     judy mary and I telling our days singing at one another     putting on sachdev flute     m and e eating mushroom soup at the counter     j m and I laughing at the table about impregnation by pollen or wind     go home she's asleep the strong moon     walking in it I see but she doesn't     her look of distress     the frozen young father     how the grass swayed as high as my eyes, then row, heavy heads on fine bodies, they were sentient a cold wind graze face     helmer's loaf     the flowers I sent with him 6 says she's well can we have breakfast in bed     try to look at the journals already it isn't working threw national geographics hard sorted slideshow then sat among flowers she on porch speaking very quietly   showing the winter slides they can't see them or not as I do     I get angrier   luke and kash cracking up by seeing luke naked, his interest in his slides of airplane and car   taking him home schumann a minor private unmarrying music   slides   I was disappointed     she pulls me a tall slight force I was banking on you   when she follows I say she doesn't imagine my child here   I want you to do whatever will turn you on I looked like both. she said she wasn't ready yet. when will you be 7 early     nervous     excited     wake up make a big fire, journey     tea     are you still unfriendly     sitting in sunrise reading notes realizing maybe I'm frozen by a wrong overaw bring down snakes an embrace that fit warm in whole body     'you know what I mean'     beaming she likes it   luke's fast wake     hythe laundry bank post office brilliant     la glace credit union and the red truck   driving fast you in the middle     the dirt pile beautiful black     she said stones on a field because it makes it a field, like sky     I said cross section   luke the fine young lad going into the fair with ten dollars in his pocket     'you have a fine son,' under a tree in grande prairie park     bus depot     she gets cross again, tarot     how ezra went right up, into the bus with her picked her seat lay down under it   driving then all the places laundromat supermarket library   sexsmith café supper the dream snake 8 luke ill novel, song of solomon outside naked luke on porch   slept with him     his sleeping outbreaks of panic     listening to his breathing remembering doctor barber in the room at burghley road   he watches wasps 9 still sick morning the fright of waking to his crying   falling asleep, the mention of the han dynasty gave me a sensation     fragment of somewhere, wondered whether   asleep, confused 'what about the man?' he means he has to pee   squirrels come into his room through the net curtain   evening happiness lamplight flowers paintings it's colors blue and orange stove luke safe chinese music from his room     lying with him feeling myself slightly ignited     imagining the intensity of j with t and the loss and what it would reopen after     he's listening to the music carefully 10 hythe, doctor evening reading     writing and différence excited 11 bright face, I'm all better waking in sun   at epp's the uncomfortable stranger as audience reflecting awkward judy's animal face clown inventions his dark malice 'has she gone back to edmonton?' 'good, contributing'   before we went there, last two chapters on the porch     I wanted him there knowing wart would be king when he was in the courtyard, come along, my dear embryo, and find your tool     tears pushing the reading     rudy's penthouse marveling at the stories of dope letting them do what they want and what does it mean michael building     judy intoxicated, dressed up, asking me to think of their bums asking mary about the slides, she said what a self contained place, shuts everyone out   this evening coming home the pink into blue     dusk dark different dark twilight, the stand of red/pink poppies - if I ask to feel it more, a shallow redbrown room with suspended light particles luke isn't unsure of himself he's an aluminum or silver helmet displaced, is he hysterical from feeling his displacement early ordinariness, school, loneliness, contempt, invention, alternation, steady like luke's     then starting to be extraordinary and delighted at identity, will, finding out how to think of myself as a story, happiness to be a story, working on strangers to make them episodes     losing it to olivia did that make ordinariness again     growing the last year's competence after it     roy to turn everything, conscience, making refusal of romantic, academic     luke and growing imagination     tony putting intelligence with tactile     film     politics getting me to them and then done     they to turn everything     'identity'     and then this slow return being particular that there seem to be references to constructions I don't want to believe     participate     when they're there philosophy doesn't come     opening books, refusing, there's no time for this community (hegel, husserl)     richardson's miriam let a few ancestors some life playing with akasha and luke sensing that I can do it by imposing my mood, without knowing 'them', knowing into them, his passing nastiness was personal like nothing else today, judy's gift to say we're each other's, akasha's silver head hysterical, luke's brown happy calm, when I jump mary with a preoccupation, the slides 'I always feel when I show them', interpreting what she was able to say     'I thought of them often during the week'     'you could use them to set a mood'     as if they have nothing like that in them     'the way it is self sufficient, it shuts everyone out'     realizing she almost had it and then giving her the direction     satisfied about them for the first time, thinking of cheryl saying serene     'in essence' with luke and akasha playing at pouring koolaid     the wait, our ears had measured equal amounts, for the last twig to fall out of the pitcher, exact match     three laugh     part 5 up north volume 2: 1979 february-october work & days: a lifetime journal project