| still at home volume 2 part 5 - 1960 january | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
Jan 15 1960 She - at the age of fourteen years, ten months, and eleven days - has a date. An honest to goodness date. Whoopee! With a boy. A boy who is awfully nice, who is polite, who is just a little bashful. A boy who is the "Stan" type from "Fifteen." His hair is dark and smooth, his eye are black in a tanned face, his eyebrows are cute, his arms are strong and very browned, he is lean, and fairly tall. His smile is a wondering one - quick and winsome. She is going to the Ice Capades with this boy. If nothing happens. It was a very easy sort of thing. Doreen remarked this afternoon "the elevator is up on the deck!" Ellie scrambled into a wheelchiar and sped to the elevator. On the deck floor, the door opened and music poured out. She slid into the room. There was a surprised feeling, and pleasure, and a feeling that the penthouse had not let her down. For the first time in three days, it wasn't a lonely place. The dinner-tray friend. I watched them - she looked happy to see him, he looked as though he'd been half-expecting her. It didn''t take long for the story of our lives to "unfold" - he was born in Germany, and came here when he was nine - that was about seven years ago, so he must be 16 or 17, and he's in grade eleven (likes math, science, baseball) Ellie, the schemer, was beginning to develop a brainchild. "Are you going to the Ice Capades?" she asked. [2005] I think so. "I am, but I'm not sure yet how I'm going to get there." "Why don't we go together?" Ah! "That would be nice! Have you got a car?" "No, but I think I can get my father's." So - ! And at this very moment she is waiting for a phone call from Reiner Koblotsky (something like that). January 17, Station 46, ward 471 [letter written on University of Alberta Hospital nurses' notes paper] Dear people: Isn't the writing paper nice? I've got lots of it so don't bother sending any. My cast is off, and I'm walking without crutches so I should get my walking papers soon. I go down to physio every morning for all kinds of exercises. I think the operation was, definitely, an improvement. More strength where there wasn't any before. Guess what! I'm going to the Ice Capades tomorrow! Polio patients get free passes if they ask for them and my doc said it was okay by him. Unofficially, I've joined an every-afternoon club. It consists of me, a guy called Gerry Robbins, and a man from Dawson Creek whose name is Don Newman who is an ex-Canuck (hockey, in case you don't know, Mom). They are teaching me the vices. What the club is for is to play Rummy - oh, lower those Mennonite eyebrows again! I actually do play cards. (This is where you gasp for breath, remember.) And it's lots of fun - I play Racehorse Rummy (which is almost exactly like Rook except for the different cards), Hundred-point Rummy and Hearts. Mom, the deuce is not the devil or whatever you think it is, it is merely the equivalent of a Rook two. And you know what? I've been having a pretty good record for winning too. (Nope, no brimstone has fallen yet. Even when I wear lipstick.) So that's two new vices. Don't you think I should come home soon?! Oh, one I forgot - no, two. On Christmas day I had three sips of lemon gin. The other one I won't mention but Judy may be able to tell you after she reads my letter. So much for (gasp) confessions. Otherwise I'm awful good, and I'm the model patient because I'm always cheerful, and I don't need a bed pan or anything, and occasionally I make my own bed, tricky corners and all. So Richard Parlee thought I was sixteen? Most people think I'm at least sixteen, probably seventeen but more likely eighteen. If any of them get too pesky I just tell 'em how old I am. I found an enormous library in the Mewburn Pavilion and I've just finished reading Auntie Mame and Giant and am now reading Main Street, Sinclair Lewis. And there are lots more. Doc still hasn't decided when I go home. But it will have to be soon because I'm getting too healthy. I wish I could do some studying - no, I really don't wish I could. But I'm going to see if the hospital school where Jimmy goes will have any books, tomorrow. I guess that's it for now, but may add an Ice Capades note, or may mail now. Later: I just decided I'm not going to go to Ice Capades with the girl and her friend. I had a better offer, for Tuesday night. He's very nice, and not the wolf type AT ALL so you don't need to write any indignant letters, Mom. Even if you wrote and said I couldn't go, you couldn't stop me so .... He is the boy who always brings up our trays (that must be why I like him) and is German. I can't say what his name is because I can't spell it, but I think it's Reiner something. Oh yes, and he's not too old because he's somewhere around 16. So. I've been having a wonderful time with Doreen [in one of ward 471's three beds]. She is 35 but looks and acts like 25, and is just like a teenager to be with. We spent a thrilling afternoon chasing around in our wheelchairs. The reason for its being so thrilling was that we explored a lot of places that are off limits to paitients and were always in suspense about getting caught. What we were exploring was the labs, and a new wing, which was dark and empty as a tomb and as quiet. This new wing is naturally beautiful, and not yet open. After that we snooped around in the basement, looking for the morgue and having most delicious chills down our spinal columns. I know quite a bit about the hospital now, and am slowly collecting figures [statistics], too. But oh, the enormousness. I do all my washing and mending down in the O.T. room (Occupational Therapy). There is a lovely new automatic washer and dryer, an electric iron, and three sewing machines. I've been sewing my green skirt because I couldn't even wear it the way it was. On Monday I'm going swimming in the Hydro Therapy pool. Are you snowed under yet? Do the kids have to walk to school? I don't think I'll be able to for a while. I'm being very good, so you don't need to worry about that - Your card playin', hard drinkin' daughter, Ellie! January eighteen [journal] He called last night! When the phone range, she was in the sunroom - waiting. She was sure, so she zipped down to the desk, just in time to hear the nurse say "But what's her last name?" "Somebody want to talk to me?" she asked. In her mind, it was more of a statement than a question. "Hi!" After a few preliminary - you know how - remarks, he said, "I've got the ad here. It starts at 8:30. We'll want to be a little early, so how about seven, or seven fifteen?" She is meeting him down in the lobby, on Tuesday night, - tomorrow night! Actually my first date! I really never thot I'd have these little worries like will he open the door for me? will we think of anything to say to each other? Will I goof? Well, will I? Afternoon It was too good to last .... I knew it wouldn't really happen .... I feel like bawling .... Hey girl! Just wait a minute .... for a whole day it was true .... A real boy wanted to take me out! So I'll always have that to be happy about. This agonizing thinking was stemming from the fact that I had just gotten the news of a complete ticket sell-out - or rather, all the passes were gone. Ellie was frantic! What to do - maybe call Reiner, but that would be a bad breach of etiquette. So? In desperaton, she went to the library, restlessly and very morosely, browsing. Back at 471, she started reading a book of poetry. But the urge to read it aloud was to great so she fled to the deck, to find a little bit of peace in ....
And in....
Both by Elizabeth Barret Browning.
There was one poem especially that interested me: It contained
- You can easily see how this would be ideal for her at times. Well, she came back down feeling immensely better. The nurse at the desk said, "A man phoned twice. I told him to call back in about fifteen minutes 'cause you'd be sure to be back for supper." 3 minutes later: "Ellie, telephone! It's on the desk." Natcherally, it was Rien. "I thought of something," he said. "So did I!" Now she was feeling very relieved! Everything ironed out very nicely. Whoopee I still have a date! January the nineteenth day Exactly one month since she came here, and oo-oo what a month! So very much in it! And now, the date. Oh those feelings! A feeling - is it really a feeling or is it just an imaginary feeling - that it is the last day before the wedding, the last day of her life. Anyway, a sort of climax before the completion. I'm scared - what if I am a poker companion? What if he's sorry he asked me? what if he forgets the tickets? What if I'm a let down?.... What ever is going to happen? Or will anything happen? Yikes! The tension is terrific - and excitement - and jubilation. Tonight! Jan 20 U of A Hosp, Edmonton "Last night. What a night. It was, practically, perfect. After wearing out the linoleum for half an hour, 7:15 did finally come. In fact, it was past 7:20 by the time I had my pass. Downstairs, with a big tummy-flutter, I looked around. H-m-m. nobody. A voice behind me said, "Hi!" R.K. He was wearing a sort of tweedy car-length-coat and looked pretty sharp. Outside, there was a car parked - a very nice car. Is this it? Somehow I didn't expect something quite so deluxe .... But he steered me around it, and we walked on down the wide sidewalk. The air was cool, but wonderful because it was exactly a month since I had last been in the outside world. when we stopped at the bus I thought to myself, Ah! He couldn't get the car! Well, I don't mind because I can talk to him better on the bus. He probably feels sorta' sorry about it, and I am not going to ever mention it. Neither of us did. The bus was fairly empty, so we could all have seats. Anyway, we both sat in one. I was thanking my lucky stars for all those etiquette columns I'd read on who gets on the bus first and who does what - It certainly was useful! altho' at the time I didn't think I'd ever use it. The city night was like most city nights .... colored, as a child would color it, in streaks of vivid color. The idea of all the human drama was vastly exiting. I just looked and looked! After a while we saw the river, with a string of lights along the bank, and above them, the lights of enormous buildings, looking, not like lights, but like a throng of unrelated stars arranged in orderly rows. Everything was too vastly interesting to talk an awful lot, but it was nice to catch his eye, and smile at him. I was really quite comfortable, not nervous, not jittery about what to talk about, just very happy. Once when I glanced at our blurred reflection in the opposite window, I thought to myself That looks just like it should look! I look feminine and he looks masculine. And his manners are so flawless! He opens doors, always walks on the curb side of the street, lets me get on the bus first .... ASO We transferred at Jasper Avenue - The bus we transferred to was getting crowdeder. The neighbourhood was shabbier here, but interesting. And the people on the bus! I was wide-eyed all the way. He told me about a few queer happenings on the bus when he was getting the tickets - and it was hilarious. Finally we got there. The snow was slippery, and there were hords of people all going the same way we were. We were walking pretty fast - and then I slipped. It wasn't exactly an artist's slip, in fact, I landed, almost, on my nose. It was so funny, and I laughed helplessly, but Poor R.K. thought it was his fault, so he hung on real tight the rest of the way. Which was all right. We found our places after a hunt - quite close to the top, and a pretty fair view of everything. we had gotten a raffle ticket in the program he bought me - so, he said, I could put my name on it - and I did. Then he took ours and a few others down with him. While he was gone I had a chance to look around. And I noticed a couple of other couples. (Imagine! Me in a "couple"!!) - teenagers - who contrasted somewhat. Like the boys at home, their manners were terrible. They actually dragged the girls up the steps behind them! and later, they wistled at the skaters. Such terrible taste! RK wasn't like that. The lights went out. Mysterious lights flooded the ice below. The rink looked deep, and blue - and reflecting red lights. The Maestro was introduced, and then - the crash of music from the orchestra. The Ballet! The costumes were white and silver, with sparklers all over - and swirly. The skirts were ballet length, and vastly floating. There were tall coronets on their heads. The men were tall, long limbed, and in white and silver too. When a ballerina drifted out onto the ice, a dashing lead man took her hand .... RK reached over for mine This is funny - I didn't think he'd do it, but I guess he's not so awfully bashful. Still, I can encourage him a little - With Doug, I was continually running, so to speak, but with RK, I can stand still and just let him come, because he won't get out of hand. So I curled my fingers around his, and smiled at him. There were complications tho' - Every time we wanted to applaud, we had to untangle our hands, and then afterwards, he'd grope for my hand in the dark. After a while, I leaned over and wispered, "This may get to be kind of inconvenient after a while!" There were more Comedy stunts, and the costumes were just as magnificent. Then came "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." The princess lay, in a short blue dess, on a prop in the middle of the ice. As she swept the ice in front of the painted pixie house, the background music was "Someday my Prince Will come" - which is a very day-dreamish song at least. And he did - in a white cape, and commplete with a big smile. It was nice. Then a crazy one, in which a real freapish "girl" was trying for "Ice Capades." Then a series of Opera scenes - The one I liked best was called La Boheme. The girls wore silver wigs, with scintalating silver head dresses, and lavender dresses with skirts that billowed and frothed onto the ice. The men wore ties and tails in silver. The other really sensational one, was a very gay scene called "Faust." The costumes were in red, white and silver. The theme was sort of a highly developed peasant scheme. Another, Pagliacci, was frolicing. The beautiful skaters were brought onto the ice in flower covered wagons drawn by more beautiful girls, all wearing sort of a harlequin design. The other one was Sampson and Dalila - in which everybody wore gold - it was very [?], and the ballet poses were masterpieces. The intermission came then, and when RK went down to get some coffies, I talked to the man next to me, about the show. When a man walked past on the catwalk, just over us, I waved at him. He really gaped. Somebody then won the portable radio. The light went up once more on a nautical mood. The girls' skirts were briefly white, and the tops blue - Anchors Asway. After some more comedy, came the cavalcade of hits. One song, "Blue Heaven" was especially fabulous because of the costuming. The men's tuxedos were pink, and so were the girls plunes that drifted from behind. More. And then - the Salute to the Black Watch. There was a bagpipe skirl, and a muffled drumbeat - and the usually bonny lassies. It was over much too soon - the whole cast came out, and stood at attention while the orchestra swung into "God Save Our Queen." We waited a while, while the crowds cleared out - "This" I said, "I am going to remember all my life." The smile he gave me was decidedly a happy one. We walked out, still holding hands. Was nice! The bus was crowded, so we strap-hung for a few blocks. At Jasper, where we transferred we got out and walked a little way to get something to eat. The café was called the "Blue Willow" and was exotic enough to live up to its name. The prints were not Canadian - a blue, weird, house - and the china was in the blue willow pattern. While we were waiting for our hamburgers deluxe, I told him about the legend connected to the design. By now, he had found out about my "morbid" interest in people - I think it interested him. There was a very noisy man next table, so he asked me what I made of him - I told him. The hamburgers arrived - but hamburgers?! A heap of golden french fries and a hamburger, but all the trimmings. We looked at each other across the table. "Hamburgers I know," I said, "but however do we eat this?!" While I was cutting my slab of chicken - a bit too energetically - (chicken on a hamburger!) something slipped. It was my potatoes! All over the table - I couldn't stop laughing for a long time. when the waiter wasn't anywhere around, I picked them up discretely. And ate them. It was funny. Another thing that was funny, was that I really wasn't embarressed! He's nice to be with, all right. The waiter was wearing a bell-hop suit. "What do you think of his monkey suit?" I asked. "Well-ll-ll ...." He laughed. "I like yours better" I said. I did! He had taken off his coat, (I think because he wanted me to see what he was wearing). He was wearing a black suit, a pink shirt, and a dark tie. Was it sharp! I was especially impressed because All that dressing-up for me?!! He asked me, "You seem to have a pretty good impreson of everybody! What was your first impression of me?" I knew that was coming, but I didn't mind telling him. "I thought you looked like someone I'd like to know ....." He said he was satisfied! I did. When we were finished - we solved the hamburger problem by eating half of it via fork, and the rest with our fingers - we walked out again, him still opening doors for me,.... It was nice outside, it was nice to be in the picture of lights. It was nice to walk down a night-loving street with my hand in RK's - and nice to wait for the bus, with the cold all around, except for one warm hand, looking up at the star spangled, turreted bulk of the MacDonald Hotel towering above us. It was nice. And so was the little walk from Whyte to the hospital front door. He asked me to go to a show with him on Thursday. I didn't even think before I said "sure!" I hope I sounded enthusiastic - I felt that way. At the door, he said goodnight - I had been thinking about some little speech to tell him how very, utterly completely, and so on --- it was. A show like that certainly deserves a few superlatives. But all I said was, "It was wonderful!" I really meant it tho'. And before I went in, I squeezed his hand, just a very little. After all - I have a feeling he spent close to eight dollars on the evening - that's awfully expensive! - and even after all that I don't think his money grows on a tree - and my embarressing moments - and my ecentricities - he still wanted to take me out again! That is a miracle of sorts. "Maybe - this sounds concieted, but I just thought of it - the miracle is me .... That needs explanation = maybe he found something, under all my queernesses, and even my handicap, something he liked well enough to like the rest too. I don't know what it could really be - maybe it's just that I fit into some nook in his mind, and give him something he needs. That I should happen to have any such qualities is the miracle." E.E. Now for the commentary: One the whole, I think she behaved herself pretty well. and I think the potato episode was carried over pretty well. she thinks so too. I think she feels - perhaps - a little bit too good about herself - but actually, it's not often that she can. When she walked into the lobby, she saw two men chatting alone in the deserted room. "Good morning!" she exclaimed, still buoyed by the evening. All was quiet up on 46. The nurses were at the desk, just sitting. "Good morning!" In her room, she slid out of her clothes, then tip-toed into the hall to peek at the clock. Fifteen to two! And at fifteen to two in the morning, she was not sleepy, not tired, there was too much to think about, and just not the drowsiness. Consequently, she had very little sleep last night, and not an awful lot of logical thought either. mostly she thought of Doug and RK - some mental comparison, some reminescence, .... some wondering and wishing. Some thoughts that were not thoughts, but fragments. What do I think about her miracle idea? I don't actually know, but maybe it could be plausible. Because - it would take a miracle of sorts Maybe just a natural miracle. She spent some time thinking, wondering, really, about how she feels about RK. She is definitely not in love with him, because she hasn't got that feeling. But she does like him. Still, how much? There is a certain sensibleness about him that she could do without. She usually thinks of him as very nice to be with. Frankly, in some ways - She likes Doug because he is smoochy She likes RK because he is not so smoochy. The only real reason she liked Doug was because of the thrillingness, and sex attraction but with RK, it's more character and personality. By rights, she should like RK better then, but, does she? She is, anyway, looking forward, very much, to tomorrow night. Another problem - to go to shows or not to go to shows? As a Christian, she has been brought up to think of shows as terribly sinful, but are they? She is beginning to break away from the parental ideas more and more - Some shows aren't worth seeing - but sinful? She is going to choose the show - so she may choose a better one. But the idea - she says she doesn't go to shows - but she does. So? contradiction. She doesn't at home. She does here. There is a difference. A very big difference. January twenty-second. Friday Yesterday - was another big night. From seven to eleven. RK was waiting by the elevator for her - right by the elevators. There had been the usual tight feeling in her tummy before seven, but like the other time, it vanished when she saw him. They walked out to the bus stop. It was another beautiful night. The trees were unlike trees in an ordinary world, but as trees would be in a silvered fairyland. They looked over the crumpled show-sheet that she'd ripped from the paper. Wednesday's paper. He was feeling like seeing The Ten Commandments over again. He had seen it, but he said he'd sort of like to see it again. The sheet said it was at the Palace. Right close to where he lived. So they went. And found that The Ten Commandments had been there the day before. So - we walked a few blocks back downtown to the North Side bus. Number six. It was a perfect walk. The coolness, the enchanting trees, the swirls of vapor, the keen awareness of his hand around hers. The rows of houses, and the vitality and drama of each of them. The bus ride was like all bus rides. Not an awful lot of talk, mostly Ellie just watched - the lights outside, the people inside. RK didn't say much, just sat and smiled ever so little, to himself. And they'd catch each other's eyes and smile. On Jasper, there were a couple of theatres in a row - the Odeon and the Capital. In the Odeon it was "A Summer Place," and in the Capital, "It started with a Kiss." They looked around, then decided on "A Summer Place." The balcony where they sat, was not very crowded, but dark and nice. They sat in the middle of a row. The show was already on, and about in the middle. A woman and a man were roaring at each other about an extra-marital affair. Later, the interesting part came. Sandra Dee - a doll if there every was one - and Troy Donahue as teenage kids. She was small, adorable, and blond - a sweet kid with a sweet personality, and a wonderful figure. Those clothes! A mink coat, a chiffon blue dress, all sorts of sports outfits, blue silk pyjamas, a white dinner dress. He was adorable in a flashing blue eyes - windblown blond hair, long, lean, brown body way. Really tall and very, very, masculine. They natcherally fell in love. At first sight. And they kissed in the garden the first night they met. Aw phooey. And after a lot of smooching, they went all the way in a lookout on a windy cliff. It was very tense in places. But I didn't think what they did was right - under any circumstances. Their parents were having affairs with each other, but she didn't pay so much attention to them. the teenagers were much more important to her. Once, when Molly, (S.D.) said "Can't I just hold hands with you?" RK and Ellie looked at each other, then at the hand between both of his, and then at each other. And smiled. I do like holding hands. And whenever he moves his fingers, I get that breathless, pink lump feeling deep in my stomach again. It ended with her becoming P.G., and so they got married. Ellie thought to herself, Something like that will never work out. After a little while, Molly would become unfaithfull, and so will Johnny. It can't help but turn out the same way it was with her parents. And generation after generation. It was a thought provoking story, and infinately sad. A tragedy in a very real way. In the intermission, Ellie said "That Sandra Dee is such a doll!" "Do you think so?" "Mm-hmm!" She looked around at the other seats - after a minute he said "I think you're awf'ly cute too." She was surprized in a way, pleased very emphatically, and still, feeling a little as though she had been expecting it. "Thankyou!" she laughed. "It's nice of you to say so...." After another minute he said, "And you're as nice as you are cute...." "That's even nicer! .... I mean, of you to say so ." After the newsreel and cartoon, they saw the beginning of it, which was nicer than the end When they had gotten to the place where they came in, she leaned over and wispered "What time is it?" "M-m - ten-thirty. Should we go?" "Maybe we'd better." Ellie didn't think she'd better stop at the Blue Willow for coffee. "If I get in too late, I won't be able to get any more passes," and instantly wondered whether he thought she meant she'd want to be going out with him again .... He asked, on the way home, what she thought of the show. "It was quite true to life ...." "What did you think was so natural about it? The end?" "No, not the end .... The beginning." She wasn't exactly sure what she meant, but on thinking it over, I believe she meant the instantaneous attraction between a boy and a girl, that can lead them into dangerous things if both aren't just as careful as they can be. She was thinking of Doug, in a way. They walked home from the bus stop, still holding hands. It was a little warmer now, and still nice. On the front walk, he asked about doing something on Saturday night. A show, or bowling." Elle was agreeable, but thought maybe not bowling because she'd be sure to disgrace herself. and she implored him to pick the show this time. At the door, when she was just about to go in, he leaned over, and really quick-like, he kissed her cheek. It was over too fast for her to even begin feeling a thrill. "Okay?" he asked. "Okay ...." she laughed, but the laughter was just a little shaky. January twenty-fourth four-thirty AM No, she didn't just come home - she was home by eleven thirty - an hour later than her pass said! But right now, I am writing this, in the bathroom. She hasn't slept for the last hour or two - like she never can after a big night. They went to the Rialto - fairly close to Jasper Avenue - and to the Blue Willow afterward. This afternoon - or rather, yesterday afternoon - while he had his afternoon break, they picked the movie, and then he took her for a tour. To the morgue! The door was locked .... They had a Coke together in the Canteen and then he took her back up again and went back to work. The show was "Ferry to Hong Kong," and it was a very interesting adventure-drama. It had a nice ending As an added feature, Tommy Steel - England's E.P. - starred in "The Duke Wore Jeans." I liked this even better for its fairy tale quality. A beautiful princess, a castle, a disarming prince (really in disguise). Tommy sang quite a few songs - and has a very nice way with a tune .... During the intermission - they held hands during the whole show - he bought her an ice-cream. She tried something out - and meanwhile didn't like herself for doing it. she had noticed, how whenever he moved his hand, she got a feeling in the roof of her tummy. So - just as an interesting experiment - she tried stroking his thumb to see what would happen. I think it worked. So - that's something new! She has learned something. I always thought love-making just came natchurally. But it doesn't - you have to learn it - through observing too, but mostly through experience. That's why Doug could kiss so much better than RK. RK will learn - I can teach him just a little of what Doug taught me - m .... m .... m .... m! After the show, they had a piece of cherry pie and another Coke down at the Blue Willow .... Most of the time - sad to say - she talked about herself - But on the bus home, she sort of drew him out, and then sat back, becoming almost a little exited over the discovery she made. RK - as a person with a high goal as a researcher - RK - as an artist, an artist with a camera. He developes his own films, takes color slides - everything himself. It was fascinating .... Today, in the afternoon at three, she is going to meet him on deck to see his pictures I wonder? I can't wait to get my own camera - if I get honors. So I have to study, and hard. it is worth it, very definitely. In front of the hospital again, she said "Remember what that guy said, at the end of the show? Something like 'thank you, I've had a ball'?" "Mm-hm." "Well, I could say that ...." He turned his back on the cars parked in front, put his arm around her .... and kissed her. Twice, on the cheek. She thought he seemed eager, hungry even Hungry for affection from a girl .... He has it - but not love." Just how much does he like me? I know he does, but how much. Enough to keep him waiting for the next time he sees me? Enough so he can't always sleep? I wish I knew whether he's in love with me or not. Sometimes I think so - But I just don't know. Going upstairs after a five-minute chat with the guy at the desk, she opened the blinds, turned on the light behind her, and waved to the dark figure down at the bus stop. I wonder if he saw me .... About ten after five Looked at those pictures, with RK on deck. He took three of her - I'm scared of what they'll look like - but I hope they look okay, because - well, because. The experiment with eye shadow of a sort. it looks rather nice, I thought. - A little different, a little prettier .... Most of them were ordinary pictures, but some were real mastrpieces .... the type of art you like to sit and look at for a long time .... One was a portrait of his father - his father with his shirt open at the collar, and a rakish swiss hat on - not smiling, but a suggestion of a grin just like Reiner's, around the mouth .... An ordinary father, with a special touch - I don't know whether it was just luck, but it was a portrait Karsh could have been proud of. The other was a black and white of the house across the street. But not an ordinary picture at all. It had been taken by a half minute exposure on a moonlit night. The house was only a black shadow against a grey sky, but the light streamed from windows, and there was a streak of it from the half open door. The clouds were white, reflecting the moon's rays. The moon itself peeked from behind the perfectly formed leaves of a forground tree. But the remarkable part of it was, the way the light shone through the leaves. Almost, you looked behind the picture to see what light there was there .... It was wonderful .... "This," said Ellie, "Is Art." A little later - they were talking about when she goes home - he thought up the subject of how about writing after you go home? I've been thinking about the same thing, but what they are going to write about, I don't know. It might be interesting - I hope he can write half decent letters! By the way - he's entering that picture in his school's paper's contest. He pretty well has to win because there can't be any nicer there. That goes for him too in a way. She'll be giving him her address - So it won't be an entirely "lost contact." I wonder if he is in love with me? Just a note on dreams - Last night I had a dream, or rather, a serial dream - one of things returning. Elizabeth came back. Doug came back. I was up on deck with RK, and we had been talking. He was developing pictures or something, and had his back turned. I was sitting absolutely still, thinking. Thre was no sound to warn me, but there was Doug. He kissed my neck, and was so alive and warm beside me. I felt so happy about his coming back to see me, a big jubilation. He reached for my hand - I was trying to communicate, I don't know whether orally or mentally, my feelings. RK turned around, and suddenly there was another guy too - all three began to accuse me of holding hands with the rest of them I sat, horrified, bewildered. And in my bewilderment I cried out "But how can I tell? .... I don't know where I am, what I am .... I don't know what you are .... you keep coming and going; and I can't tell whether you like me!" I wonder what it has to do with me, my past events .... me, as a voice .... Just another wondering. That mysterious third man - What, who, is he? January twenty-fifth This morning I met someone I have wanted to meet for a long time. The mysterious man from Station 14, with the curly hair and beautiful eyes. He looked about 22. I was in the O.T. laundry room, ironing. There were packs of women doing exercizes in the next room - He peeked in my door, backed out, looked at me through the glass, and came back in again. I was awfully glad, because I'd hate never to make friends with him. His name, is Delmar Williams. - Del. His history - seventeen years old, parents separated when he was eighteen months, twenty-seven foster homes, and he kept running away. A spell at Bodin (Doug's reform school) and a big fight over a girl, that landed him in a hospital, and now, Station fourteen. I thought he was very, very nice. I felt sorry for him, intrigued by him, and attracted to him. He took me back up home at dinner time. He is the third man! Another thing - while sewing on O.T., a man came by, and said "pretty soon you'll be making your own wedding dress!" He was elderly, and chipper. "Horrors!" Exclaimed Ellie, "I'm going to be a spinster!" "Not with those eyes, you won't." He said. That eye shadow must be fairly effective! She met a whole lot of kids later - up in the 67 sunroom there are 7 beds, and 2 iron lungs. The whole room is exclusively for boys, and is delightfully cluttered with records, record player, books, games, models, two television sets, half a dozen radios, birds, and fish. A wonderful atmosphere. There's Arnie, Clayton, Henry, and some others. Arnie and Clayt and Henry are very cute, very intelligent. And she met Myrtle in the 24 school room - 5'4", 97 pounds, shining dark hair, black eyes, flawless brown skin, a pretty mouth and straight nose. Pretty in a way - She is an Indian gal from Paddle Prairie. January twenty ninth ....... no! Thirtieth! ....... Last Thursday - my date day. Actually Thursday is only one of my date days. Tuesday and Saturday are too - I'm going to another show with him again tonight We went to a double feature "Blue Denim" - Carol Lyndley and Brandon de Wilde. Plus "A Private's Affair" with Sal Mineo and Gary Crosby .... The "Private's Affair" was enjoyable, but mostly because of the good looking guys. "Blue Denim" was something like "A Summer Place" but more realistic on the mddle-class level. Carol didn't look quite so exotic - the conflicts were so vivid - Carol's (Carol was Janet), Arthur's, the parents', the friends'.... It was certainly something to think about. He held my hand all through it. Then we had cherry pie and Coke in the Blue Willow again. He said we had lots of time, and suggested a walk. A few blocks away was the walk overlooking the river valley. Brightest strings of lights snaked beside the river, there was the cool, crisp, romantic atmosphere. We stopped and just looked for a while - He was holding my hand - I thought his would probably be cold, so I thought I'd warm it with my other hand. next thing he was holding both of mine .... I looked at him - he moved in for the kiss - I dropped my head just a little, and he kissed my eyelid instead. Was nice .... the time, the place, the man. .... I must like to tease a little .... We walked on - and then walked back. At the door he kissed me again - I could feel that eagerness, hungryness, again - Each time a little closer - but he'll have to wait. Now - the analisis She does have a streak of myschiviousness - and it comes out strongly when a man is trying to kiss her, especially. The more aggressive he is, the more coy she becomes .... Its such a feminine feeling to be persued - a fluttery, utterly female feeling - The demureness .... the being sought after beeling It certainly comes out strongly in Ellie. She has a feeling that he likes her even better than she likes him - that is wonderful - for once .... During the show, I've noticed a very definate feeling of wanting to neck a little. It's the influence of the smooching in the movies I think Isn't it funny? And after she gets out, she doesn't feel like it much any more.... She must have some normal instincts, and she certainly isn't fridgid ..! I wonder, as she wonders, why he likes her he does, very deffinately .... but why? Why? Maybe - but, like Elizabeth Browning said "If thou must love me, love me for nought but loves sake only." She still wonders, and I do too, just how much does he like her? she might be surprized, either way. Is that certain eagerness of his because of his normal instincts, or because of an especial feeling? Wish I knew - but that would spoil her delicious feeling of 'maybe - " Last night Anne K his cute sister came over and after a while invited her to her birthday party on Sunday night. Ellie would like to go, but she is more afraid than eager so I don't think she will go. Afraid of what? Afraid she'll look like a freak, and R.K. will be ashamed of her .... Afraid to show her leg's horribleness without the friendly protection of the dark .... afraid her clothes, her face, her figure, her conversation, her personality .... will become all to distasteful when seen in the light of his friends. January 29th [letter] Greetings, and all that - >>2020 Mom, Dad - happy birthday, and many more! News headlines - Land Lubber Learns to Swim! Ice Capades Fabulous! No News from Doctor! No Mail - why doesn't anybody ever write? My Younger Sister Suffers From Broken Right Arm (is that why no letter?). And so on. The details: Whereas I could not swim one stroke, I can now swim on my side, on my back, and underwater. And I've been learning to dive. I don't mean swim only two strokes, I mean across the pool, the long way, and further if there was more room. Usually I swim for an hour after breakfast, and practice walking in the water. At 10:30 I have a Physio appointment and do a few exercises, then have contrast baths on my foot for about 10 minutes to increase circulation. My therapist says she's not satisfied with my walk. And she's not satisfied with my shoes either. She says penny loafers, as soon as possible. And speaking of clothes, what are those corduroy pants of mine like? Really you could have told me at least what color! Not red, I hope. And how many sizes are they too big for me? No more than two large sizes, I hope .... Right now my doctor is at a convention in Chicago, so I do not have any idea when I'm coming home. It may be soon, but then again it may be in a couple of weeks. I was originally slated for going home last weekend, but they're keeping me for physiotherapy. Please, don't let anybody get the idea that they can't write because I might not be here. I can't remember whether I told you all about the Ice Capades last letter. They were wonderful, just couldn't have been any more perfect. We went to the Blue Willow [afterward] (very oriental atmosphere) for a hamburger deluxe. Since then R.L. (name's too long, remember) has been up to see me a few times, I've been out with him a few times, and so on. I'm beginning to know where I am, downtown. The nurses are really nice about giving me passes. Polio patients are very privileged persons, because they can go out any time, and stay out fairly late too. I usually get a 6-10:30 pass, which means I can stay out till eleven. I'm glad to hear Judy isn't telling anything. Just for that I'm going to let you in on a little more - a private letter - very confidential. Right now, although I'm not letting my studies interfere with my education, I am going to school, sort of. Mr Harrington is retired but he has a job as high school correspondence superviser here. I've got Math and Socials books and do occasionally look into them. Every afternoon at 1 - I should be there now - I go up to the boys ward on 6th floor. I do some of their writing for them, and we have a good time always - more about them later, I have to go there now. Later - about the guys. In the Station 67 sunroom there are half a dozen boys with an average of sixteen or seventeen years of age. There are two iron lungs, four beds, six wheelchairs (two TVs, 6 radios, a record player with amplifier, a tall, tall stack of records, a parakeet, three goldfish bowls, at least a couple of orderlies, a nurse or two, a book shelf full of encyclopedias and rocket books, cartons of Coke, loose papers, boys, and - lately - me. I enjoy the atmosphere thoroughly - the background records, the friendly clink of Coke bottles, the inevitable kidding around. The first few days after Mr Harrington introduced us they were just a little bit apprehensive, because they are terribly handicapped and are just old enough so that what the weaker sex thinks about them matters a little. But all I had to do was treat them like anybody, and they soon started kidding me - and after that I really look forward to the afternoons when we sit around with Cokes and talk. Mr Harrington says they do too. I usually write Arnie's Literature exercises for him (he can use his hands a little but can't write). My favorite is Clayton - he's got a wonderfully sharp mind and a ticklish sense of humor. And I like Henry too - he's very smart (Einstein's theories - nuclear stuff - rockets) and can speak French like a native. Glen is the grandpa. He smokes a pipe, is about nineteen, and easily the handsomest. Gary is a cute little boy, about fourteen. Sandy Burgess is only the most talked about patient in the hospital. He's 22, has been here 6 years, has his own radio program, and drives his motored wheelchair by a tube in his mouth. Arnie is a little guy in grade nine who is terribly smart too. All of them have enquiring minds and read a lot. The amount they know! Another day I act as secretary for a boy from Lac La Biche who broke his neck while diving. And he's brainy too. So besides learning how to swim I'm learning about everything from rockets and iron lungs to hospital management. I've already filled up the old journal and am fairly far into the one I bought a few weeks ago. I haven't been going to church here because all they have is Mass on Sunday mornings. I am still reading my Bible, nights. I met a few girls here too for a change. One is called Myrtle Ghostkeeper - she's a quarter Cree. We swim together. I don't watch television very often anymore - too much else to do - I've been learning to play Bridge down in the 47 sunroom - but it's awfully complicated. Instead of Mrs Thompson we now have a very dull room mate. She is neither good nor bad, just fades into the wall so completely that it almost annoys me whenever she says anything. Thanks for the stamps. They should do me. Better write back 'cause I won't be gone yet. January 30th - Sunday Room 471 U of A [journal] Last night Ellie went to another show with R.K. "1001 Arabian Nights" was really crazy, but very, very enjoyable. The intermission was spent eating ice cream. Then, "the Flying Fontains" - a mirror on life. It was a competition, a struggle between two men - one daring but unscruptulus, the other gentle, considerate, good looking, - in short, wonderful, but unexiting. All the women were in love with the dashing one, while the other could only stand by and watch in his sad, sad, clowns face .... It was so very true to life - the exiting one got the girl, the fame, the money .... The other had nothing but bitterness behind the white mask with the tears running down it It wasn't fair, she was terribly fickle, and she will regret it. Ellie found, amid her feeling of the basic unfairness of it, a place for comparison. Doug is like Ricardo - dashing, romantic, the type that makes a girl forget her resolves .... but unscruptulous - he had no real morals - he was fast and easygoing - just like Ricardo - I'm afraid that if it came to a battle between him and R.K. for a girl, he'd win too easily. R.K. is considerate and wonderful - but not daring, or very exiting .... R.K. is the best one, tho'. He deserves the best. I hope he gets it. After the show, he asked how she liked it .... She asked how he liked the ending - when he bounced back the queirie she said "It wasn't fair. The other guy should have gotten the girl. Ricky wasn't even very nice, but he was exiting. The other guy was, maybe, unexiting, but he was at least nice .... But that's how it usually is .... - the exiting one gets what he wants, but the other gets left with nothing .... " She looked at him, wondering. Does he have any idea what I'm thinking? "But not always .... " she said, and wondered again if he had any idea what she meant. After that, they had the usual refreshments, and the walk, and the ride home. She knew he was a wantin' to kiss her - but that myschievious feeling came over her again and she just looked at the lights They walked, holding hands .... She thought about the way she'd kept catching him looking at her during the show. It made her feel wonderful .... Halfway up the hospital walk she could feel him thinking about kissing her she kept looking ahead, and talking. He stopped, put his arms around her, kissed her cheek, then slid it down, but she ducked just in time - - - so it landed on her cheek again. Well, it's a nice life .... Someday I am going to kiss him tho' - a very - well - like in the movies - and he won't forget it too soon - Isn't it funny? - at least he's enthusiastic enough about it! - Ah, but just wait! I hope I don't flop it - Later, January 31st I had a lovely time - mostly. They went to the bus, then downtown. The beautiful, modern, green glass and bumpy brown of the city hall The wire sculpture of the "swans" in front of it .... R.K. had his camera, and posed Ellie on top of a step, with the wind all around, and the green glass windows over and up. When he had snapped it, she slid, joyously?, down a bannister and landing with a hop, said "Thats one thing I always want to do in public places! Its so undignified - " Then they walked down Jasper, towards the Capitol buildings - along the way, they stopped twice to look over pictures in the windows. Ellie was especially preoccupied with the art. they passed a grand old house with a "for sale" sign on it. It had towers, cupolas, nooks, cranies, and an overpowering charm .... The Capitol was beautiful. - The afternoon sun mellowing the brown stone to a golden tint .... The bare branched trees, and the solitude .... R.K. stopped to look at cameras .... and stopped to take a picture of the Capitol from a little hill. Then we walked around it, he posed Ellie, and then ran around in the snow, getting an angle. Walking back, he said, "This morning Joe - that's my boss - asking me what I always did after work. I think hes catching on - he said "Reiner, leave the girls alone! I said 'Sure, Joe!'" "Are you going to?" "Naw .... " Then they hopped a bus that went away out, a number five - and followed it away out, then back. They were getting hungry .... It was the Blue Willow again. I think we're getting into a rut .... Why didn't we go to a different place for once? But there was a little change in the menu - we had toasted shrimp sandwich. Ellie never had shrimp before, but she liked it - a taste of chicken, fish, and something else A pink shrimp. Ellie began to think .... I'm really developing a gormet taste - shrimp and ripe olives! Then they went for another ride - a number one bus over a different bridge, and came out right across Whyte Avenue, at the Varscona Theatre. There was a boy across the aisle whom Ellie especially noticed He was tall, not exactly good looking - but his hair was long, sort of silky, only faintly wavy, and a goldy, reddish, blond Once, when he looked at her, and she at him, he made as if to smile, and the grin began only, but gently. Ellie looked back at R.K., feeling just a little unfaithful It was after eight when she got back - they walked a couple of blocks .... there were oodles of people going and coming, so his g'night kiss was only quick, on her cheek .... They have a date for Tuesday night - movies again. So it goes!
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