| still at home volume 2 part 6 - 1960 february | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
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Another Boy. His name is Paul, he's seventeen, and has a wonderful personality. He has cancer, and his leg is amputated all the way. He carries his happiness and his smile on an artificial leg - hes a wonderful guy. Met him yesterday. In the afternoon, in the sunroom. Just a few remarks - But in the evening, when R.K. called, he was standing by and talking to the nurse. So he and Miss Dunsmore just hung around and made remarks. R.K. had called about what time he was going to call for me on Tuesday night .... I hopped onto the desk, and put my feet on it too .... there was a record player in the background, playing "At the Hop," and "Teenangel." Paul has a line - a fascinating line based on flattery and obvious exaggeration. When I saw him, I thought - oh oh, a kid. But then I heard him talk - oh, too bad - he's a crude sort of wolf - I was curled up on the couch across from him. Pretending to watch television, but listening to him. "I bet I can make her smile" he said .... I struggled with my face. "Don't smile now - " I gave up and smiled at him. Then he walked over to the couch right behind me, and sat down. We started talking. "You're not shy, are you?" I laughed. But we began to talk seriously - and didn't stop till 11:30! Hes not like anything I thought. Like I said, he's a wonderful guy .... February 3rd.... Tonight when I came downstairs for my date, he was at the elevator, and came down with me - then waited with me - I had a pocketfull of candies, and gave him a couple. "Are they as sweet as you are?" he said. Ha! We were talking about R.K. "Maybe he's stood me up .... " I said. "Now you're rosing my haipes - I mean raizing my hopes .... " then he told me he'd been at the door of 471 last night - seeing how I slept. The door was closed. I was just arguing the point when he said - "here's handsome now - and he hasn't stood you up!" I whirled around to see R.K. The show was "Journey to the Center of the Earth" It was fantastic and beautiful After the B.W. session we went for the usual walk. We walked slowly - very. Taxi cabs kept going by - It was a beautiful night the sky was foggy, but reflecting pink - the trees were completely frosted For a while I thought he was never going to make use of it - we waited, looking around, 'till there were no more cars, and then it happened. I'd already decided that tonight would be the night So I let him get my mouth - hes not a terribly good kisser - I'm glad Doug kissed me first because if R.K. had, I would have been somewhat disillusioned. He's not slow enough - too smack-y. Too much like he doesn't quite know how .... he'll learn? Maybe. Well, one sort of lead to another, and he was just going into a deep one, when a voice said "Hey-y!" A car had slunk up right behind us, and its lights gleamed wickedly, mischieviously .... They raced the motor just a little and took off - I honestly hadn't any idea they were there! As they left, I said "I have a feeling they were spying ...." "That's not fair!" he said petulantly. Walking from the Number One bus stop, he said "You know, you're a very interesting person !" Before answering, I fervently thought - I wish I could say the same for you ....! Then I said "Thank you, but how?" "Oh, the way you talk and the way you act ...." M-m-m ? .... I do have him just a little pink-cloudish, I think - he pressed that flower from Sunday imagine - from a boy! And he told me he was starting a diary - I do have some influence. Right now, he's very gullible .... I've been wondering, if the self that R.K. is so interested in is really me, or if it's not - just a conglomeration of characters I've known and read about. Actually, I guess everyone you meet, and everything you read, does become a part of your personality, of you. February 3rd There is a new facination - I am now sitting up in the penthouse, in my pyjamas, and with bare feet - The reflection in the glass doors is rather interesting - and from a biased point of view, alluring. It would be an embaressing situation to be caught in - long after bed time, and up here in my pyjamas. Ellie enjoys the situation, with a characteristic daring. Paul is the facination. At first look, he was a small boy, very round cheeked, and innocent, even angelic. At second revealing glance, he was a boy who was trying to impress the men around with his feminine attraction. Ellies third glance, now that she knows him - tells her that he is a man to be reconed with. Someone she could go for in a big way. He's not "darling" - He's just terribly interesting - and exiting - and like Doug, only with a few more healthy sides to his character. She likes him - I think - better than anyone she's met yet, in here. He is a boy, but as a person, a real person. He is not good looking - not muscular - rather small and skinny - with an artificial leg - and a limp far worse than Ellie's. He looks too boyish, his eyes pop too much. I am only being accurate - Anyone would think, at first sight, as Ellie did, that he wouldn't be anyone to reckon with at all. But it doesn't matter - It doesn't matter at all to me - I hardly ever even notice it - he's only someone I like very much - And if I like him enough to not care about his limp, surely nothing could ever stop anyone from not caring about my leg - if they liked me enough as a person. That must be what happened to R.K. .... Really I haven't lost a thing .... I've only gained so very much, from polio. After supper was when she first found a talking time. They were watching television, and she was watching from a couch in the back. Except she wasn't watching she was thinking. Mostly about Paul. He first sat, with his back toward the television set. Looking at her. At Ellie. Ellie looked out the window, at the television, at the ceiling - everywhere except where she wanted to look - everytime she did, she smiled at him just a little, then moved over again. She stretched out luxuriously, hid her face behind a magazine. He came over and sat behind her, making occaisonal comments, but usually just looking. She could feel his eyes on her always Even when they weren't. She got through the magazine, and tossed it aside. He picked it up - she said thank you. Then there was a period of silence - she could feel his eyes brushing her throat - and reveled in the feeling - he always looked so serious! He touched her neck .... she thought uneasily - I can't let him .... She moved. He sensed the feeling when she sat up. "I'm sorry," he said "I won't bother you any more .... " "Promise?" "Promise," he said. She almost thought he meant it. "Okay .... " she smiled the way she felt. To let him know she didn't really mind, that he wasn't repulsive only that she had to be very careful A few minutes later he leaned over the back of the chair again .... "It's very tempting .... " he said "You promised, remember? But if its really very tempting, I can move ...." "No, no .... you don't have to ..." His finger under her chin was awfully nice, and even as she turned away she was thinking I wonder, is there anything about me that could make a man want to "chuck" my chin? First it was Doug, then Del, and now Paul - I must have some allure - but really .... ?" It's rather nice .... Later, his hand moved down from the chair, to her shoulder She sat up. "Remember?" "No. I've already forgotten .... " "You promised." "I said I wouldn't bother you I'm not am I?" "M-hm." "I'm not really .... Am I?" He looked into her eyes steadily. She tried to sound convincing, but didn't, really. And wasn't - she didn't want him to believe her. "Yes" she said. "I'm sorry .... " he said. He walked out a little later driven by a restlessness, she walked out too - and went to the bingo - and could hardly stand it, waiting to go back. He was there - She stood at the door a long time He was about to go to his room, but stopped to talk a minute outside the door. Quite a lot of silly, wonderful, flattery - big brown eyes stuff, and how the banging of his heart was making his ribs sore. She teazed him. "I don't think you think I'm serious" he said. "I don't. And you're not." "You don't give a guy much rope, do you?" She looked directly at him "No," she said thoughtfully, "I don't. Especially not two guys at the same time." "I can understand that ...." he said. But can you? Really? I think I can understand you better than you think .... I even understand about how you work at being especially attractive .... to prove to yourself that you are very elligable .... Even with an amputated leg. And how very well you succeed. February 3rd Penthouse Events - and a pressurized feeling. Ellie is having queer feelings .... When RK came today, she couldn't go. Had no pass. Didn't especially want to go ....... So they went to the show there - it was "The Night of the Quarter Moon" - Nat King Cole - Anna Kashifi (Something like that ) - a moving, gripping, story about Racial Predjudise. The ugliness of it - Right after the show, while waiting for the elevator, the long legged orderly who discovered her here last night stopped to talk .... R.K. watched and smiled from the background .... He talked about the Journal - he said he'd like to read it - he said - to help his career. "I'm going to be a medicine man .... " He said - How wonderful! He'll make a great doctor, because of his human interest .... He asked about it - how she wrote, what she wrote .... She explained as she would to a close friend. Later, she said, "I enjoy being crazy .... " "I know. Unique." I think he does know. Instinctively, Ellie does like him. R.K. decided to go to the penthouse and talk - when she leaned over to look at his watch, he put his arm around her, and kissed her neck as she turned her face to his shoulder. When she turned away, he said, anxiously .... I know he meant it with all his heart .... somehow .... "I do really like you, you know Ellie .... " "I know." She said and she said it because she did. As he moved in again, she turned her face away again and straightened, looking moodily straight ahead, and thinking about Paul, and RK and herself, and the whole situation .... This really isn't right .... I like Paul better but RK likes me more than he does .... I'd rather be here with Paul, but I won't hurt RK .... because now it would be sheer cruelty .... So I'll just go on the way I am .... but I feel even guilty about holding hands with RK, because of the way I feel about Paul .... It's a crazy mixed up world And I don't even know if I'm being myself, if the way I am, the way Paul, RK, and the Orderly know me is the way I am .... Is that me, or is it only being a hypocrit? Am I only being the way I want to be, or like book heroinnes I admire? I do wish I knew .... Am I me? "Is something troubling you?" said R.K. "I don't know. I really don't know." said Ellie. She decided it was about goodnight time - he went home after saying, at her door "I had a good time anyway, even if you couldn't go out .... " "Did you? I'm glad." Wistfully, Ellie thought, But do I really? Am I really? She hurried back to Paul - then went back to comb her hair. Sitting in the bathroom, her thoughts were puzzled Get with it, girl, just get with it! RK had gone home more puzzled than he had ever been yet I wonder, what did he think? Paul came to sit behind her lounge again he was talkng about a dog he wanted to get .... "You'll need him to keep the girls away?" she asked. "For some reason, the girls don't flock around me very much." HA! "How come?" He leaned closer, looking into her eyes .... "Suppose you tell me - " he said. "Well, maybe its because they ..." she hesitated for a long moment "don't like two timing." "Maybe you're smart." He said. A while after - the television set said "I'm sorry, and I do want you to know it." Behind her, Ellie heard Paul say "I'm sorry, and I want you to know it" "What are you sorry about?" "Sorry that I'm so unsuccessful with you ..." Ellie laughed "You don't think I'm serious, do you?" he asked. "No!" "I am sorry." "Sure you are. I believe you." She looked at him myschieviously. "It hurts your masculine ego!" "Masculine ego!" he exclaimed. "There is such a thing, you know .... And it does hurt it" "I guess it does, but thats not all .... " "What else?" "Just - " he stopped, looked at the T.V. "Hey, look at that!" Besides that, when she told him she was going home, he asked if she'd write, or rather answer if he wrote. "Maybe." She said "I'll think about it. Probably. I'll send you a Valentine .... " I wonder, would he really write .... I'd love to write him .... Maybe .... So life goes on, and gets brighter .... and more exiting .... and much more perplexing .... The girl whos reflection I see in the window is the same girl who used to day dream about situations like this - She looks fairly good in the shadow - her one thin leg unhidden. While talking to RK, she noticed it in the reflection, and automatically hid it behind the other .... Then after a moment of thought, rebeliously, she stuck it into plain sight again. It's part of me, and I don't need to be ashamed of it - if anybody likes me, they are going to have to accept it too - because it is me. I refuse to be bullyed. Until the blues hit me again. January - fourth February Ellie's conscience gets weaker, and likewise her resolve - because of the remembered touch of Paul's hand on her shoulder. It was so very nice - the big grey chair in front of his, while he leaned forward with his chin on the back of her chair - a puckish face - Yesterday she asked him if anyone had ever told him what a deceivingly angelic face he has - he does. Like in pink shoe laces [song], "he's not good looking, goodness knows - " but what I go for is his uniqueness, his warmth as a person, his utter effectiveness as a possible boyfriend .... It was getting later, the sunroom crowd was thinning everyone was looking the other way - he was leaning his cheek on the chair, his mouth on her shoulder. It was awfully nice "Ellie .... " he said "Ellie ...?" She turned to look at him .... "You aren't cross with me, are you?" "I should be." "Why? You know how I feel about you .... " almost, he sounded convincing. "No." "You still don't believe me?" Of course not, but I wish it was true .... I mean, I wish he really felt the way he pretends so elaborately to feel .... Is it my feminine ego, or do I really like him? Probably the former. But he is so very intruiging. This is the third time that a guy has kissed my neck. Three boys - and each said something so nice I'll remember it for a long time. Doug said - "I can't figure you out." RK said "You are a very interesting person" and now Paul, "You're quite a girl" and "You're unique allright!" There was a bit of silly stuff too. Paul kissed her shoulder. "Bad Boy" she said inanely. He kissed it again, and again, and again. "Bad boy, bad boy, bad boy" said Paul Sylvester. February Seven The show was "On the Beach" Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner, Donna Anderson, Tony Perkins, Fred Astair .... a fabulous cast in a fabulous movie, with Drama enough for even Ellie. She and RK discussed it, seriously, afterwards. Wondering what they would do in the same position - the position of being the last humans on earth, doomed. The actors were suberb - Donna Anderson was frankly frightened - Ava was gay, flamboyant, and hiddenly afraid. Gregory was a tower of strength. Anthony was a man afraid, Fred Astair wanted to die with his car, with his last love. He who couldn't love anything else in the circumstances The strange, brave, love of Ava and Greg .... The finality of everything. The conversation became very serious - from death to God .... Very logical proceedings .... After cherry pie a la mode and ginger ale, they went for another walk. It was cold. She had resolved not to make one romantic move, but abruptly, he closed his arms around her and looked down into her eyes "Ellie, I do like you an awful lot!" - he sounded so very intense that Ellie felt guilty because she didn't feel the same way about him .... He moved in - and completely ignored the horn blasts as lights swept by, swaying for an instant on two figures under a tree on a dark night. He is so very serious .... in a way I'm glad - any girl would be - but its not fair to him at all. When I go home it will blow over tho' it won't take very long .... I wonder - he said that the first time he saw me, he didn't think of me that way he does now - how did he? - why does he like me now? Paul wasn't as romantic as usual - I think I brushed him off a little. We had a long talk in the sunroom by ourselves in the afternoon, pretending to do jig-saw puzzles. He still insists hes serious, and she still dis-believes very sincerely. He has such very convincing methods 'tho'. Almost I begin to believe that Ellie begins to believe It shouldn't be, but Paul is just too much for her. The sensation around her knees - the utter incapability of being normally substantial (that's saying it very elaboritely) - is not due to the weather, or malnutrition. And the dismal feeling of restlessness all day was not because she is going home. Strangly, when Paul returned the feeling vanished. So .... When she came back to her room - it was pretty late - she collapsed very weakly on the bed and lay still for a long moment. Then reeled unsteadily into the bathroom. She smiled at her reflection in the mirror - an enchanted reflection under a spell. A reflection miricles happened to - She smiled, and she winked. At the girl Paul Sylvester kissed on February seventh, nineteen sixty, at approximately 11:30 P.M. - A very lucky girl. Very. He came back - she looked at him, irritated because he wasn't looking at her - and looked back at the televsion. Then 3 of the guys looked at her, and smiled. Looking at them, she smiled back. Now, what could they have been talking about? It was a while before he sat down - and then it was across the room. She was disappointed, very frankly. And was equally honestly glad when he sat down behind her .... Unconsciously, while talking to him, she let her hand lean on the back of the chair. He picked it up, and it was wonderful. He smoothed a finger down her neck. "What did I do to deserve that?" asked Ellie buckling on her armour. He leaned over, his head on his arms, and kissed her cheek .... His was soft, and so young. Stubbornly, she resisted the finger under her chin that tried to turn her face. "Are you afraid of me? ...." he asked Somewhere, somebody asked me that before. Doug - I said yes to him, but this time I'm not so sure .... "Maybe," said Ellie. "You're scared I'm going to kiss you, aren't you?" "Yes," and then, regetting her honesty, said "maybe." "Well, I have to confess I'd like to - " Almost, she didn't hear his wisper .... "Please." he said. She swallowed hard, hoping he wouldn't notice, and looked straight ahead. "Has there ever been any boy who could take you out, and then after a while - so he could know how you felt about him .... ?" "I don't know .... " "You haven't encouraged me at all - you've discouraged me - not that I'll get discouraged. But - " "What do you expect me to do?" she was plainly laughing, "Throw myself into your arms? .... " "No," he said haistily, "but when I was holding hands with you, you didn't act as if you felt anything. Your fingers were all limp.... " It was a long time before she answered. "I guess I was just born cautious .... " she said. Surprizingly, he said nothing - then suddenly "What was that you said? I'm sorry - I was listening to them" - (the television detectives) Ellie smiled to herself. Really, that doesn't sound so adoring - "I guess I was just born cautious .... " He got up, "mind if I sit over there?" he asked, and sat on the end of her daven - Watching, he stretched his hand out toward the center of it. There was just a split seconds hesitation I will do it! And she curled her fingers over his. He smiled. "That's the first time!" Actually, he sounded happy. "It's like walking across a desert, all tired, and thirsty, and then seeing just one little green leaf. Just one little thing." It was funny. She laughed - a happy laugh because her hand was in his. He got up again, and walked over to the only man left in the sunroom, and then walked around him, looking at him. He came back and sat behind her again. Looked out the window. "There's usually a lot of yellow cabs down there - " "Where?" "It's gone now." They sat, looking out of their windows - a wisp of Alberta Chinook in their faces. "Well," he drawled, "I guess I should go to bed." She looked up at him, and he looked down. Into her eyes. She closed them. His finger was under her chin again, lifting her face .... Her mouth - He bent down very slowly, gently .... There was no fumbling - he was very smooth, very sure. It was like no other kiss on earth .... There was no Doug, no RK, nothing like this, ever before. His mouth was soft, very gentle, he moved it ever so slowly .... It was everything for a long time. A summing up of everything there is to remember, ever. It was, truly, a very beautiful moment. When she dropped her head, weakly, onto her arms, he asked "What's the matter?" Feeling dizzy, she smiled. "Did I say anything was the matter?" And staggered to her room. >> 2005 February eighth Paul was in the sun room for a few hours, talking to her. Nobody else was there, usually. It was nice. Him beside me, close enough to touch me - like he did - only in daylight, it was only a light arm on my shoulder - but swoony. Paul is so sweet - not goood looking - but he's got expressionful eyes, and his mouth is adorable a small boy in so many lovable ways. They enjoyed each other's company quite frankly. Ellie does very deffinately. And Paul does too. He said, "If I didn't like you, I wouldn't put myself out to hang around like I do." So he does like her. But how much? Thats a question I ask so often .... But I only ask myself - While they were looking out the window, she accidentally dropped the blind cord, and it came crashing down on their heads. "Was that because I kissed you last night?" he asked - Maybe, but not the way he meant. I think I had been thinking about it, and been very absentminded! It makes me weak, still, to think about it. I've got to get that adress for him - He is so unbelievably tender in everything - his looks, his nuzzling, his kissing .... The sort of basic gentleness that makes a woman feel soft and warm, and scented .... and beloved. When he kisses her eyelid, or her cheek, it's a warm kiss, a tender kiss, a kiss that makes a girl feel loved above all, and feminine. Being loved, being feminine, being warm, soft, scented - are all basicly the same thing aren't they? All amount to the very same feeling. The feeling Paul gives to her. Gives with his characteristic extravigance, generosity. How funny - the paper boy - Tom - got Ellie's adress - is he going to write?! Hardly! - My last night in the city - the wonderful living, breathing city. A place of ever stirring life - the melting of so many personalities into a place with a personality. I love those lights fiercely. They mean people living, wonder - to me. And the hospital. The big wonderful friendly place that evoke an "alma mater" spirit. A posessiveness, a pride. A place of so very many friends - so many distinct personalities, brought more sharply into focus through a common background. the place that is more like home than home itself. Where I had my first date, first kiss, first feeling of being sought after. There is so much unreality in going away. The best I could ever wish to anyone - as I now wish to Paul - is that whatever place he ever goes to, he will not want to leave - that every one he meets may teach him something, as these people have taught me so many things - that his living will be learning, and never disparing - that his best friend be God. Tomorrow at this time I will be home. Back to reality that may never again be just as enchanted as now. Tho' - I have learned - there is always something better just around the corner .... But how could anything be better than this bliss? Almost I begin to believe that I do love my family just a little - now that I'm beginning to understand a little, the torture of Daddy's mind, Moms self sacrifice and concern - Judys being a beautiful girl - Paul's inquiring searching, mind, Rudy I always have loved. His forever innocence and lovability. I do want to do better in my family relations - but am I mature enough to see it through. I'm beginning to understand how very far just a little thoughtfulness can go. I am going to try. I've had my fling - now I'll be really good, stop wearing lipstick - start studying furiously - and be the nicest member of my family. With only a few letters written in a boy's scrawl to connect me to this world. February Ninth Now I'm not there any more, I'm in a bus for home - but I've still to remember last night - the last wonderful night in a world that is such a part of me now. Last night RK came - with a box of chocolates and an imaginative Valentine with his picture and Ellies together in a heart. They talked in the penthouse - again, he put his arms round her - he does like her very much .... Hes so very sincere, so honest, naïve and he said she was the nicest girl he ever met. Something to keep in my heart. But she was so preoccupied with getting back to Paul - RK left, after a hint that wasn't too subtile - but fairly happy. Paul had a wonderful idea - he ordered some "Chicken on the way" to be delivered to Station 46. It came, about 11:15 PM .... they set two lamp tables in front of the big grey chairs, and opened the carton - french fries, a roll, and half a chicken - Southern fried, and the most delishous chicken I ever ate! Tender, juicy, and crusted in deep brown. Mm-m-m. It was romance itself. Soft lights, and sweet music, and you in my arms - well, not till later, but afterwards he did put his arms around her, holding both hands And kissed her cheek. And tilted back her head and kissed her mouth. "Are you shaking?" he said incredulously. "Am I?" "I'm not sure. Do you get weak easily?" "Sometimes .... " "That must be why you're so very careful..... " I never even thought of that - I occaisionally think I may be fridgid - but not too easily weak! "Ellie .... " he said. "Ellie, honey .... " Stardust - Snookums - Sugar - honey! I've gained titles. - [La Glace] Later - now at home, I'm wondering if I really realize what this all means - The finality of maybe not seeing Paul, or RK, or anything again. The whole wonderful life gone in such a short short time - the realization that Ellie cannot now wander into the sunroom languidly to watch T.V. and have an iced pineapple juice - and know that just a little later Paul would be very near, and there would always be friendly faces. I like to know that she's not quite lost contact. - It was a very simple goodbye this morning - the really goodbye was when he kissed her goodnight at the corner of the desk last night, and said, "Goodnight, Ellie .... " Goodbye Paul .... After he went to bed last night, Ellie slipped upstairs to the penthouse, quite alone, and too tired to even write in her Journal she sat in the dark looking at the lights - prayed a little - for Paul, for RK, for Doug, for everyone she knew - and singing a little - "Goodbye Jimmy, Goodbye." And then very softly, Taps.
And went down in the elevator Doug had first kissed her in. The last, the end of everything. I had forgotten the meagerness, the poverty, the distaste of this house. The flat meals, the lack of bathroom, the whiney, grumpy family. The greasy dishwater. The mess. But this is where I live - And I'll just bury myself in studies. But there will be moments to remember. January - oh - February ten I miss it so very much - the reality of this dump is so depressing .... I could cry .... and I will, sometime. I miss the luxury, the faces, the personalitys, the friends .... And it's awful, being alone. Here I'll soon fade into anonimity - There I had a strong personality, but here, and now .... I'm loosing it so very surely .... There I was unique .... There I had so many, many, good friends .... There was a guy who was crazy about me - he had to be - he spent so much time, and thought, and thirty-two dollars plus fifty cents, on me. And there was a guy who did like me a lot - a guy who was both Doug and RK. .... Paul. Paul, who's first kiss was every first kiss any girl could ever get from any guy .... And a guy who had a kindredness I'll never forget. I miss him so much, I sit in school, staring into the distance thinking about him, and remembering. I'm watching that mailbox like a hawk His letters, and RK's, will be my only link with my memories, with everything. I wish, so much, I was back. February fourteenth Valentine's Day - and not even a letter - not from Paul and not from RK She went to the postoffice on Saturday, very happy, very assured - There will be one, I know But there wasn't - and on the way to Whilms with a fish for them, she began to think, and swung the fish sadly by its tail Maybe they won't ever write - maybe RK wasn't as serious as I thought .... Maybe Paul really didn't mean it - maybe I didn't mean anything to either of them .... But, Ellie, a girl has to believe in things, even if they are awfully nice - too nice. Because if she really believes that a guy likes her a lot, it is exactly the same as if he did. Its only a matter of believing, in everything. And for a while I believed that RK was crazy about me. And that Paul did like me. And while I believed it, it was true. Paul won't ever write. But there is a chance that RK may - sometime. Maybe Tuesday! February eighteen On Monday night Janeen was here. Ellie revelled again in beauty, shared confidences, and the declining feeling of being a person. Janeen is too beautiful, in a pink, and golden, and green eyed beautyfullness. The child-woman who is an idol to men. I am very glad she is my friend, because she has everything I want, almost. Except maybe courage, and a Bohemian quality. Ellie read her Journal - it was fairly ordinary part way through, normal events, but written humerously, with a talented style. And revealing modestly the facination she has for boys. Toward the end, there were more touches of being a person. Some Ellie read over two, or three times. Meditatively. Meanwhile, Janeen read her old one. Not this one. There's just too much of myself in it. But Janeen chuckled over parts of it - and then read the last few entries in this one - and finished with a charactristic little gasp. February 20 Her life hasn't been anything like what she's used to. Just - last night she went to a party at Thonesses. It wasn't the sort of party a girl likes to hold to her heart, not in any way. In fact, Marna Hotte was there - she is a friendly, personable kid who is fun to be with - but I think, or felt the chilling touch of a big "I". Maybe I'm wrong. But, being the bubbly type, she set Ellie off to a bad advantage. I can be bubbly too, very bubbly, but when someone more gracious, less gauche than I is around, I become a frump. And La Glace is petrifying me into that same frump. Won't I ever break loose, and be someone, in La Glace? I feel stifled, looked down on, patronized - Is it only a feeling? I need more self confidence - if I had myself here, the hospital self with so very many friends and the bubbly quality of Marna, but still with a little more behind - I would have more self confidence. Maybe I should be more agressive .... somehow, people here - nobody - even looks at me twice. I'll have to do something, and SOON, before I decay! Today Mom told me about some of her old romances - they all came to a dead end, but I realize more now that she did have some love life. I know, and she knows, that marrying Daddy was a big mistake. Shes as much as admitted it. - But the spunk of that kid - To go on living with a guy she knows she shouldn't have marryed - a guy she may not even love - and still act as tho' she did, and keep up a stiff upper lip because of us kids, and try so very hard to please him. It's pityful, in a way. But so very big, and wonderful in another way. So much Durability. She is made of wonderful things, I'm realizing this more as I realize the extent of what she goes through. And to have that man - with his gnarled, embittered mind, so very close always. To sleep next to him, to give him her body whenever he wants it. A terrible existence. I think she's beginning to think she can lean on me a little, I mustn't let her down. February 26 Again I've been thinking about the hospital. Not the romance part, but the people part - The human interest in that place was so terrific .... I can see so many people's faces in my mind - The people I know more casually are clearer in my mind than people I know well - I can hardly remember Doug's face, and Paul's is foggy. Isses net peculiar? Today I've been thinking about Sophie Wigger, Suzy, Doreen, Ilene, Ruby, Stan, Al, Ingrid, Mrs Tompson, My therepists - Miss Quin and the dolly, the gym directors, the swimming pool friends, the funny little man, the Arabian, my favorite orderly, and the one who was a favorite before him, Ralph, Adel, Jim Vargo, Henry, Arnie, cute Clayton, Glen-grandpa, Sandy ...., the housekeeper who always wore gloves, the plump blond ward aide, the doorman I used to know, Frank, Del, Diane, Mr Harrington - I wrote him a letter - the queer characters from 14 and 63, Martha, the smiling girl on children's ward, the friendly man in the clumsy wheelchair, lonely Willie, the guy in the mechanical wheel chair, the guy who called me stardust, the woman in the funny grey pants who was always sleeping in her wheelchair ...., Tom Mackie, Elizabeth, Mr McDermott, Myrtle, Donna, Sharon, Emma, the school teacher, Kenneth Payne, Bill who was always teazing me about my love-life, Henry, Jimmy who was a dear in spite of a lot of things, the boy who was only there a little while after I came, but whom I had almost forgotten, the man I wished was my father, the beautiful girl in physio every morning, the head push at occupatonal therepy, Ben whom everybody liked, Bob who taught me to play bridge, and teazed me, Jerry who was basicly decent inspite of a gutter-mind, Don who lived for hockey, the two guys I met before I left, ever friendly Lawrence, the garbage man who waved to me every morning, the bald headed man who really wasn't so grumpy, poor tormented "Herman," the guy whose blonde hair was always falling into his eyes, the two Annes, the floor supervisor, TSO, all the laughingness, Tom and Don whose intelligent, gleeful humer made them newspaper boys to remember always, and all the other warm, wonderful persons, whose natural friendliness was everything good, and glowing .... Dr Gort, Dr Henderson, Doctor Bowman, Miss Cambell who was so sweet, Miss Jickling, little Miss M. Somebody, Miss Tate, who scared me just a little, George the plaster-man, the little engineer, George the Indian, the blonde witch, oh, so many! And incidents - one I'd nearly forgotten .... One night I was lonely, I hadn't met the THAD .... I went over to the telephone, pretended to dial, then pressed down the button And talked to "Thad" - I made arangements to meet him on the deck .... and then I forgot about .... That very night I was talking to Doug on deck!!!! A miracle of sorts A place, a person I will never forget - by the Person, do not mean a
person, I mean all of the people, all of the voices, that became one Person
whom I will never be able to completely remove from my heart and my blood
stream.
Still at home volume 3
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