| still at home volume 2 part 4 - 1960 january | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
January 3rd [1960] 15 past 4 AM Just an early scrawl on a sleepless morning .... To especially say - I've met a guy! OOO-ooo I'll elaborate later, as I can't see this page. Later: the scrawl above is really remarkably clear, considering that I wrote it in the dark! I couldn't sleep, and I had on the tiny transistor radio (which you shall hear more about later -) And I was thinking about the guy I met. I should confess; Ocaisionally I had to rein in my imagination a little and say to myself ' "Hey girl! You only just met the guy - remember?" First of all, his vital statistics
"Doug Odland" - a very nice name! "Doug" is one of my favorites - and "Odland" is different but not queer. We've been eying each other for two days, but no go so far - except, I asked him what time it was. But yesterday! Ah .... armed with my Diary and Bible and Journal .... I was just going to the elevators - he got off from the one I was going to take So, he wanted to know where I was goin' and when I told him, he wanted to know what that was. And I did somethin' I haven't regretted yet - I told him to come up and see for himself. He did, and we sat there talking for an hour or something like that. Some interesting things - Once he said, "I'm not going to get married" I said I wasn't either. Then he said "how many kids 'r' you gonna have?" I just frose. After a while, I said "Was that supposed to be funny?" He was starting to look appologetic when he said "Yeah". I just said "Well, it wasn't." very blunt and impolite. "I'm sorry" he said - I forgave him - because he really didn't have any idea how I'd react to that type of unsavory humour. But he knows now - I'm glad I showed him - And I have a feeling that he probably likes me better because of it. he's really a good guy. We both agreed that neither boys or girls were really essential, but in general, nice to have around. He tried and tried and tried to find out how old I am, but I would not tell him - I might "drive him away" - ha! Every once in a while he pops up with "How old did you say you were?" I think maybe I'll tell him "a woman is entitled to the age she looks" He said I was either sweet-sixteen-and-been-kissed-lots-of-times or seventeen (kissed or unkissed?) After a long time we went down - him pushing me - ah-h, all that male power! Instead of pushing the "4" button, he went down and got a couple of 7-ups. Then 'way we went up to the sun room to watch Dennis the Menace on television. For once I was where I'd wanted to be the night before - close enough to touch him if I felt like it. Hes real good looking always but from certain angles - like when he looks down - its breath taking, if you dig me - and hes fun to be with, very definately. Once he reached over, something in his fist, so I opened my hand and he dropped in a red penny. "A penny for your thoughts!" he said Hey, this is something like! (I didn't tell him) I think he likes me fairly well - at least he gives the impression of that - he said he thought I was cute, but whether he really meant it or not is another thing. I'm glad I don't look too bad right now - I just washed my hair with White Rain - and my complexion finally cleared up. And I was wearing my plaid jumper with the black sweater .... Hes got a stocky, muscular build (I told him he belonged in Holiday Magazine instead of a hospital!) But he's in because of a maddening pain in the back of his neck. He said he didn't particularly care wether he lived or died - some people have problems! If I hadn't known that before meeting Nicky and Doug, I'd certainly realize it now! Once, when he went out to get a phone call, I moved over to a big chair and leaned on it - and I didn't especially feel like moving so I kept on leaning on it - practically on his shoulder! It was close range for smiles - he brought along his tiny transistor radio - a dainty thing almost the size of an electric shaver, in an aromatic leather case. He leant it to me - actually! And I lay awake for two hours last nite, from four to six - listening under the covers with the cool leatherr close to my cheek so I could smell it - I have a date to take him exploring today at 1:PM! Whoop-ee I hope I can get a picture, cause the girls back home won't b'lieve me without proof! January 3rd: Again, later Report on Doug - his age: just became 18 yesterday. his religion - Protestant Oh, why the preliminarys?! To plunge in: For the last hour I've had the feeling hes going to kiss me - honest. And I'm having the funniest sensations - I feel like lying down and doing absolutely nothing but still I can feel my body is tense all over I do want him to kiss me - but I don't, too. I do, because I like Doug very much, and frankly, because I'm very curious about what it feels like. But my up bringing and some other things keep saying - "but look girl, you only met him yesterday!" Oh bother - I think I may let him - later. Just before I go home, maybe But I've felt it coming - there were a couple of times when he almost did - he would have, if he hadn't felt a little of my resistance I think - I don't know what to think - I spent the whole afternoon in the penthouse with him, alone. It's a day I'll never forget, ever! [red ink from this point] Ah, an ink to suit my mood! And a nib that's nearly fine enough! I'll elaborate on this afternoon: I had that sight seeing tour with Doug - the whole thing amounted to one leasurely trip over to the Mewburn - and then back. So, nothing to see there - we went up to the Deck. It was his idea, but I was far from disagreeable - Up we went. Talked a long time about nothings. He finally got me to tell him how old I am - after he told me that he became eighteen last night - hope he doesn't mind my tender years! He said he didn't - I found a few deep, dark, secrets in his past It only took a little digging I'm very glad he didn't mind telling me about them. It was funny - it didn't bother me one dram - maybe it should have, but I didn't. Just a month ago, he emerged from an eight month term - yeah, a sentence. Not at a fort (Saskatchewan) but at some reformatory I think .... [Bodin] he was in for BAE: breaking and entering .... He was with four others (including himself) and drunk .... so he got caught - one guy got 2 years probation, the other two got off scott-free because of Doug's testimony (so I gather) And Doug is now firmly decided never to do it again. Like I said, somehow it doesn't bother me .... It was after a while that something funny happened. well, it was funny and embaressing both .... It began when D.O. suggested that I get the radio, and he'd get a couple of Cokes. So I did, and after I got them - I noticed the guy in the elevator - the guy, I mean, whom I'd go after in a big way if it wasn't that DO beat me to the draw. Hes one of the girl's (Ann the second) brother so I found when I asked. He brings up the food wagons and whenever I see him, we smile at each other, or say "hi" if we're in speaking distance. Or wink. Anyway, I spotted this guy in the service elevator, and when he offered to take me up to sixth, I did go because the main elevator was just jammed, and by sixth floor, maybe the whole thing would be more empty - Then he and his pal got the bright idea to come right up to the penthouse with me - I said something about a friend of mine waiting for me there - he had just gone down for Cokes - hoping desperately that they'd take the hint - but they didn't. And I was very mortifyed - oh, so, uncomfortable when they looked at each other. it was terribly awkward, and the guys just stood and looked extremely uncomfortable too, until they punched the down button. It was a hair raising experience, and I didn't know what to do, because I didn't mind them awfully, but I was positive that D.O. would rather not have them there - eek-k-ks. May I be delivered from ever facing that sort of thing again - (continued on page 65) January 4th, 1960 Last night he did kiss me, in the elevator, on the back of my neck. It was glorious! And now I know. In the sunroom, nothing happened before he went back to his room, where he was expecting visitors I felt lost-ich without him, so I went back to my room to catch up in my Journal. at eight, when visiting hours were over, I was still writing. but about ten minutes later, I went back to the sunroom. On my way there, I heard a familiar clicking that I would recognize anywhere - Doug! So I waited up. "Where've you been" I wondered "Going around. Looking for you." M-m-m! The television show was very boring. "Let's go." he said - so we went up to the penthouse. A few half hours later, and after a lot of extremly silly conversation (but enjoyable!) he was sitting in my wheelchair, and I was sitting on a lawnchair with my feet tucked up on the other one. We were sitting just as near as possible to the windows, and besides the beautiful lights, our reflections copied everything we did, on the window glass. About that time - he touched my hair when I wasn't looking - almost, I didn't feel it, but I did - and after that, he wasn't quite so secretive any more and then, he started looking for my pulse He kept asking me what I was thinkin about - he said I looked as if I was thinkin' awful hard Maybe I was preoccupied, I don't know. But I was quiet. I don't think he minded tho' Natchrilly I didn't tell him, because what I was thinking about was that he was going to kiss me - anyway, it was my think! Right about now, he started holding hands with me I looked at him in the window - he was looking at the window too. "Is it interesting?" I asked. "Boy, is it!" he even sounded enthusiastic. "What is?" (O-O-O-o-o-o!) He pointed down at my head! (I was watching in the window) Really? I was feeling shy .... mainly because of holding hands with him .... and it felt wonderful! (He kept rubbing his cheek with my hand .... ah-h, and his cheek was smooth, but scratchy too. "You're worried" he said abruptly .... "I can tell from all those funny looks you keep giving me." That idea had now got him by the tail .... Just for kicks, he walked over to the wall and turned off the lights. I said "You just better turn them on again!" He did, but he was still laughing when he sat down. "Are you scared of me?" he asked .... What a question! and whatever could I say?! I didn't say anything for a while .... "Are you?" He was still trying to look at my face .... I decided I'd better tell him the truth .... "A little." He thought that was funny. So there I sat. He let go my hand, and I tucked it away under my chin toute suite "Now you're not worried any more!" His eyes were laughing at me - his eyes are green-blue, incidentally - Eventually he must have liked me to be worried, because he found my hand again .... Wunderbar! (or is it Vunderbar?) I didn't even exactly feel like looking at him - You know how it is - But he sat there looking at me and laughing - chuckling, rather, inside - All of a sudden he exclaimed "Holy Mackerel! You are worried aren't you!?" I thought that was funny. But maybe I was, a little. Pretty soon, I decided it was about time to be going to bed - please, not the way it sounds! So I tol' him I'd be needing my chair - he said I was just trying to get rid of him - but he got out of it, and we got into the elevator Something about an elevator must bring out the Romeo in him - it's a good thing the ride down is so short! I wouldn't let him see my face, so he kissed the back of my neck from behind, and I didn't do a thing about it! I just couldn't make myself stop him, because I was enjoying myself far too much - that's the instinct in me - Oh Phooey. Anyway: C'est tres beau! He asked when we'd see each other tomorrow - (today) but I didn't feel like saying anything deffinate .... and he said "I hope you're not mad at me - " "Not as mad as I should be!" When I got into my room I colapsed on the bed - feeling all sorts of queer things .... And already I'm being teazed about the "big Love" and "boy friends" I wish, fiercely, that I didn't have such a tattle-tale face! I may tell him too much that he shouldn't know - About yesterday afternoon - to begin where I left off: We were sitting in front of the window again, and he was sitting in the wheelchair again, because he likes to sit in it (more comfortable!) - besides that he'd parked the wheelchair very close, and put on the brakes. He is one of those guys who is an artist as far as any sort of love-making goes a Master of the casual touch system (he sorta' rocked the chair, and every time it moved, he'd brush my hand with his then I'd get the queerest feeling - its hard to explain but the nearest I can get is: It feels like a fluffy feathery lump deep in my stomach expanding inside, tickling me all over .... Queer? But true.) Besides that, hes gentle, and sort of caressing in a way (but if he so much as touches anything below my neck, POW!) He has a way of looking at you, sort of as if he's laughing, but as though he liked you real well, too .... And he's over-poweringly male, always. But so sweet! While we were sitting there like that, the elevator door opened, and a wheelchair backed out - It was the brushcutted guy, about 22 whom I have seen, but don't know very well. "Oh-h!" he said when he spyed us. "We'd better go back down!" "Why" asked a voice from the elevator. I saw just a patch of Jimmy's pale blue shirt thru' a crack. "Because there's company here!" "OH!" So they scooted back down again, and left Doug and me grinning at each other. Another unexpected guest came just a little later - that plump little probie, looking for me. "Phone call!" But when I got down, they'd already hung up, and I haven't the slightest idea who it was! So I went back up to where he was waiting (after a little primping!) When I came in, he walked over, and leaned down over me - so close I could almost feel his breath - I looked down, because that was too close range for looking deep into each others eyes - It might spark something Its a nice way to talk, except embaressing if anyone catches you at it! Every time the elevator door opened, he settled back real fast - but there was never anyone in it! He felt like kissing me, I could feel that - but he didn't - Although, when we were going down to supper he very nearly did. - he bent over, just about touching the back of my neck, but decided not to, so he blew, very gently, instead. Whenever I think of that last elevator kiss - it was unorthodox, but a very romantic spot - I can still feel that pink lump expanding and glowing away far down inside And then I go all weak and slump with my eyes closed - what a life! But a very nice one .... Nicht Var? Later: More to report! If I go on writing everything down, everytime I see him, I'm going to have to get a new book fairly soon. If I keep meeting him, that is - I hope I do. One rendezvous scheduled for 1 this afternoon But the last one - he went downstairs for treatment - I heard his clickers echoing down the hall a ways .... After Mrs Tompson came down from O.R., I decided to beat it 'cause she was moanin and groanin' like a banshee .... So I went up to the Penthouse to read some more of the book I have up there. After half an hour the elevator opened. "Greetings!" It was, natch'rilly, Doug. "I thought I'd find you up here!" says he .... Without any preliminarys, he said "Are you still mad at me?" "Why should I be mad at you?" "Maybe I was getting a little too advanced " "Maybe you were!" "Well, are you?" "Not very" ha! If he only knew - mad at him for that? ah-h-m-m-m Its glorious, its pink comets and silver stars! It's utterly out of this world! Mad? Ha! For the second time - He asked me if I'd thought of any more questions to ask him. I hadn't but I thought a little while longer and came up with "Are you a good little boy?" Which was very awkward but he got what I meant "You mean with girls?" "Yeah." "Yes I am" "Always?" "Except when they're not." Fair enough! We were discussing just what was "good" - and what was not. He agrees as far as getting fresh goes but he thinks necking is O.K., and as far as I'm concerned it is, depending on who, where, why, when, and how. Very definitely. He - I start every other sentence with that word - he looked into my eyes yesterday and told my fortune. I'll be going home soon , he said, and I'll meet someone - (privately I thought, "I already have," but I didn't quite dare say it) "You'll have a ball!" he continued .... "Yeah a b-a-w-l!" I said .... Maybe so. I wonder whats a'gonna' happen this afternoon? Its ten-to-one, so I guess I'll go find out, aye? I did - and it was nice tho' not spectacular .... a bit of nuzzling - I like it when he does it - but I might not if someone else did - Maybe I'd better define what I mean by nuzzling. Nuzzling is when he tips my chair over backwards so its leaning on him, and when theres a little bit of cheek-to-cheek, and a little bit of muzzling (mouth nuzzling on my cheek) a bit of fooling around with my eyelashes little hair messing - Oh I know it sounds silly, but it feels awful nice! We didn't even talk an awful lot, because neither of us can think of anything to say - except when he was trying to teaze me into telling me who my O.T. "friend" is (the skeleton!) He was combining this teazing with the nuzzling - but it didn't work to well - I told him that if anyone else came up, they might think he was doing more than just asking questions (!) They really would have. He was. Later: the evening session was not too much of anything It was a combination of 7-up, hickups, chatting a little embaressment and a little, altho' not too much, nuzzling He told me that Bob (his fun-loving room-mate) confessed to sending some of those empty elevators up! Just to teaze him! And once tonight, Kenneth Payne (the pipe smoker) and the waggish crew-cut emerged very innocently from the elevators, inquiring equally innocently, if a door, in which they could not possibly have any interest, was locked. It was. "Nice view" said Payne. They were really enjoying themselves. "Very nice view" said Doug. After a while they left again, chuckling under their breaths. D.O. confessed that they'd been teazing him, and I confessed they'd been teazing me - tho' I wouldn't say what they said (Big Love!) 'Till tomorrow! December - January, that is - the fifth Morning. The usual, Doug found me up in the penthouse, And he looks sharp today: black pants with razor creases, shiney shoes, white socks, a blue shirt open at the neck .... Ah-ha! At first, we just talked. But I have a confession to make - I am ashamed of myself, but not very .... I was just waiting and waiting for the nuzzling part. He said he couldn't figure me out - I can pretty much tell why, and don't blame him for being uncertain about me, because half the time I'm being bashful, and the rest of the time I want to be kissed, and it shows all over! I suppose my feeling s fairly normal, but is it right? Have we got any real right to do any smooching of any kind just because we feel like it? Actually, we're not in love with each other .... there is a very real physical attraction, (which is, I suppose, what puppy love is, mostly) but not love .... So I'm just wondering whether I should let him do any type of necking .... But how can I say no when my eye and heart say yes? If this were anything very passionate or hot blooded, it would be different then I'd have no problem. But this is gentle, and not very likely to run away with our emotions - all we do - or rather he does, is hold hands, rub his cheek against mine (it's faintly prickly) fool around with my hair, stroke my neck, and so on .... But is it O.K? I guess girls have been wondering about that for centurie and centuries .... But where is the answer? They say, if in doubt, don't. But I want to! Oh, phooey! I guess I'll have to be a little cooler this afternoon .... But really, I'm pretty hands-off as is - and anyway "I like it, I like it, I like it that way!" He does most of "it," but I let him. It wouldn't take much to make him quit, but I haven't the desire to or the will power to try - So - What?? Report on the "Activities" -hand holding, nuzzling Martha came up to see me and said "wow!" He still keeps asking what I'm thinking of, and when I ask him, he says "you." What can you do? Evening: Because nearly all that ever happens is Doug, I guess that's what I'm a'gonna' have to write about now. Well, I cain't ever say I haven't been kissed! I have - and how .... First, the neck one - that was the best one because it was the first one, and because it was special - you know, just special. And then a bunch of nuzzling ones, if can call them kisses .... And then, a few nuzzles sorta' slid down my face and hit my mouth sorta' half ways. (he couldn't reach the whole thing) So m-m-m-m But where did all those resolutions go to? I didn't lead him on, honest! I avoided anything that might possibly give him a smooching urge - or tried awful hard. It didn't work. I really never thought I'd be quite so fickle, so pliable! Aw, I'm going to have to work awful hard on my will power. Starting tomorrow. - Ha! Before I knew it he was "massaging" my neck again .... And when I moved so he couldn't get at my face, he moved his chair! (He keeps moving that chair. Every day when hes not around I move those chairs at least a foot apart, but he always moves them back the way they were. Namely, arm to arm!) He started the cheek to cheek process again - and I had a feeling, so I turned my face around, but slowly just fractions of inches at a time he moved my face around and back Then - well, it happened, sorta sweet. He got half his mouth on half of mine, (his mouth is soft, but not girlish by any chance ....) I could feel all those little cool shivers run down my whole body then the shivers warmed up, and the pink lump started to expand again .... he told me I was shaking .... maybe I was, but his heart was deffinately beating faster, I felt it. So in the last few days of my life, and the first few days of nineteen-sixty, I had gained considerable more knowledge! To say nothing of experience. I'm glad it happened when I was still fourteen. At thirteen, first asked for a date. At fourteen, first kiss. But now whats left for fifteen, sixteen .... ? Not much, and it's a shame in a way .... But it won't happen very often .... I don't think. Anyway, not in L.G. Hardly! I sorta straightened up after a very short while - he looked at me so - well call it soulfully, even if it wasn't - that I felt like laughing. So I did. He decided either I was too shy, or else didn't like necking very well (he doesn't know) I told him it depended on the who, what, where, when, and why .... "What's missing?" he asked. Only the when and the why - After knowing him 5 days - already this! But he asked about the why. He didn't think there needed to be a reason - I thought so, and I also thought the obvious reason of feeling like it wasn't a very good one. So I asked for a different one. "Okay, because I like you .... " that was better, but it went to my head and made me say something silly .... "Do you really?" (gulp!) "Well I guess!" M-m-m? I wish, hope, he meant it. We had the radio hanging from the back of the chair .... for background music a.... nd it was very cooperative, because during the best part of the "show" it played one of my favorite songs - or at least a song that fitted perfectly as a background "Teen-Angel" .... not bad huh? And he said a song that went "you're too pretty for a country boy like me" should be his song (ha!) I'd say "Smooth Operator" should be mine. He is. I did tell him he was too smoochy .... And I decided maybe I should go down stairs a little earlier today - he knew why - and kept quizzing me as to if I was mad or not. I wasn't, but like he says, I like to teaze a guy. So I wouldn't tell He said I could show that I wasn't mad - I knew how he meant - But I'm not going to kiss him before I leave - I think But he may talk me into it before then .... Especially since my persuasion point is very low .... Oh, the things that guy is doing to me! I can't sleep, sometimes .... I'm not hungry .... my pulse is always a little too fast .... my will power is being under mined .... I'm losing weight. .... But on the whole I think I look better! It's getting late - I'll spill the rest tomorrow. January 6th, the year nineteen hundred sixty If this is just a sample of 1960, I'd say, "Come, and Hurry!" In spite of some necking, we have an understanding about anything more than that. He knows very well that if he touches anything below the neck, I'll slap his face, and hard. So he won't. I still have a feeling that I shouldn't spend so much time with him, alone. the penthouse is just too ideal for romance Because its tiny, has just two chairs the view is wonderful at night well, that's how it is, just too perfect and private! I wonder what happens today ....... After dinner - This morning, Doreen told me when "the boyfriend" was going upstairs - so I waited until she told me he'd come down again, and gone to his room. So, because I decided I wasn't going to be at his beck and call always - then I went up, with a banana, a book, and the radio .... the book incidentally, was one I bought this morning - "Facts of Life and Love for Teenagers " I didn't think he'd catch me reading it because he probably wouldn't be back up - the reason I bought it was that I was feeling very sorely in need of some logical information on to-neck-or-not-to-neck. (It helped a little .... I'm a little more straightened out in my thinking. The only ideas I'd ever had about this before were pure theory .... I never had any chance to put them to work - now I've got a perplexity with a capital "P"!) I spent a while up there having a wonderfully lazy time .... food, sun, music, and information .... then he came up, and there I was trapped with that book! He had to see it natchrilly .... and looked thru' the whole thing while I watched .... he also knew that I'd bought it this morning - and had ideas about why. I felt sorta' stupid! But he's a good guy and didn't rub it in. .... He's very (too?) understanding .... He still thinks I'm too shy - He didn't try any nuzzling - If he had, I'd have said, "Hey, its broad daylight!" but he didn't so Ill keep it for some other time .... In the afternoon it was fiercely sunny up there! And so we had the doors open hes still being snoopy - my shoe size! my weight (I wouldn't tell him, but just to be nice, he guessed about 100 lbs. ha!) I tried on his ring - its too big for my thumb! If I was going to wear it, It would have to be around my neck. .... He keeps telling me not to be so shy, - me shy? - well, about smooching maybe, but I could be a lot bolder! Ya - a - ah! Evening: L'affair de amour c'est beau et c'est ne beau pas I wrote that in case he asks me what I wrote in my diary .... Haw - haw! Tonight is the first day I can honestly say we enjoyed ourselves because we were crazy and we laughed a lot I think I drove a few points home tho' - he realizes a little more that I am ecentric, and not concentric .... I have queer ideas - for instance, when George said something dirty in front of us, I got mad and told him to get, but fast! He went. And when Doug said "Jesus Cri-ist!" about something, I forgot what, I had an impulse that I followed up, What I said was "I wish you wouldn't talk about a friend of mine that way .... " He said "A very good friend?" "Pretty good. He ought to be .... " "Yeah .... " that was all I got out of it.... all this was in the middle of a series of mild squeezes and it didn't daunt him much .... I decided to be very elusive tho' and was! What he wanted, he occaisionally got, but only when he stole it and I wasn't looking, or couldn't move - that sort of thing .... Whenever he moved over that way .... I'd move my face out of reach and then laugh at him! He was just a tiny bit frustrated I think, but I've found that playing hard to get works like witchcraft. Details tomorrow. January Seventh About yesterday - it started with going down to the sunroom .... watched a T.V. show while he sat across the room .... the news and weather came on and dragged by listlessly - I got myself a wheelchair - then sat and sat and thought - oh, won't you ever go?" Finally, he got up, stretched out, looked at me and said, "Okay?" So we went! Now the fun starts - maybe. We went up - me chewing one of those everlasting wads of Dentyne (he's always chewing it) We sat down inside after looking around outside for a while .... It was a beautiful night - and we were both more talkative last night, don't know why .... A little later when he started the nuzzling again .... it developed into the usual pursuit of my mouth .... Once he very nearly had it, but I started laughing "You know, I think you'd chew gum through anything" I said between chuckles - He got rid of his gum. Then started again. Persistant character .... I managed to be fairly slippry - but when he did catch me - he used the opportunity, - Afterwards he said "That wasn't so bad was it?" It wasn't. He went out for another walk on the deck - when he came back, I braced myself and tried to hold the door shut so that he'd get nice and cold! He was slightly stronger than me - man, that guy is strong! Hes got muscles and how! (He gets them through bar-bells and stuff!) He got the door open, walked right up to where I was standing and put his arms around me .... M-m-M-M-m-mm-M! I braced my arms across my chest and took a deep breath - then enjoyed it while he hugged me - with his head on my shoulder, nice and tight .... Well, it was nice. I'm really filling this thing fast, but the details may be nice to remember sometime .... Then the nuzzling began a little again But the cat-and-mouse game struck me funny - so I laughed. He thought I was laughing at him - and the look on his face was even more funny .... I told him I was just laughing at me and him and everything but he was still a little doubtful. I like teazing him. He likes it too but he won't admit it - Finally he started laughing too, and from there we started getting crazyer all the time - hes a terrific mimic as far as accents go .... And we had a genuinely crazy, wonderful time. When He asked for a Goodnight Kiss, I told him maybe later - If I get a chance, just before I go I'll give him one super deluxe, and he won't know what hit him .... I hope. January Eight Last night was another new experience - we had a fight - it was mildly painful, but strangely, an experience worth having I'll tell you the story as if I had been seeing it from a watchers seat .... .... She (me) had been sitting up in the Penthouse for half an hour before he came. The tiny radio splashed the walls all around with music, while she sat under the pool of light avidly reading a new "Seventeen" magazine. On the floor under her chair was a box of chocolates - very squashed but still lucious He walked in with a metallic tapping of clickers. His soft sweater was blue, and the V-neck dipped down over a very muscular chest .... Ellie looked up with a careful casualness "Hi stranger!" Doug sat down lazilly in her wheelchair Half an hour later, the chatter was strictly sports "Yeah, I may be short and fat but I can run!" Yes, and he was a football quarterback, could ski jump, bowling expert, basketball, discus, baseball throw, and so on.... He was just a little inflated about it .... The look Ellie gave him was meant to be the oh-you-are-so-big-and-strong type of glance. Her voice deliberately admiring, she said "You must be really all 'round athletic!" Maybe it was the oh-my-hero looks she gave him, or maybe he was just feeling good, but pretty soon he moved that chair over and slid his hand over hers .... she curled her fingers up over his .... Ah, the first step! M-m, and his other arm started up to her neck - then the nuzzling began! She got up and walked over to the window, leaning toward the lights outside He followed her, still sitting in the wheelchair .... When he was right behind, he pulled her down onto his lap .... how funny .... I'm not used to anything like this! .... is it me? sitting on the lap on a boy I like? .... what a hussy! .... but me? .... on anybodies lap? In a minute, she stood up again, leaning toward the cool air coming through the crack in the door .... He reached for her waist - looking at their reflection in the glass, she was acutely glad that her waist was smaller than it usually was, and that her black belt was in the last hole .... But then! He let his hands slide down a ways. The pace quickens - the plot thickens! She whirled around and slapped him, then turned her back. He got up, looking down at her "Are you mad?" "Yes." She turned her straight back to him .... he just kept on standing there, looking at her while the radio in his hand played "Let me go Lover" How appropriate, she thought, what a perfect song for the situation! He went over to the chair again and sat down .... his hands twisted the radio dial endlessly while he kept his eyes stubbornly on the floor At the door, Ellie watched the lights float together and melt, putting a hazy glow over all the city .... How strange, how very strange .... He is there, I am here .... and both of us wish we weren't .... but we are helpless, this is the way it had to be .... I had to be mad, because if I wasn't, he'd have a right to think I was a sham .... I don't want to be a sham .... I want him to believe in me but I don't want to be here when he is there .... what is going to happen? .... surely we can't go on and on this way, me standing by this window with my back turned to the bay in the chair .... what can I do? are we going to sit here, stand here, all night like this? .... it's hours till bed time .... She looked at him in the window, he was still looking at the floor .... he got up Is he going to go downstairs? .... If he does, Ill cry, because I'll know he doesn't care ! doesn't care at all whether I'm mad at him or not .... He walked over, put his arm around her .... "What's the matter?" he said Oh, doesn't he know?! .... he does .... but what can I say? .... She said nothing. He sat down again. "Let me go lover .... Let me go lover .... .... whats the use? .... turn me loose ...." Whats the use? .... what's the use .... ? Whats the use? .... isn't anything ever going to happen? .... Will this go on and on and on? .... She stood there, and it was a long time .... Doug still sat and looked at his shoes A long time later he got up and pressed the elevator button .... He doesn't care! .... he's going down again, and now what ....? .... what? .... what ....? The questions echoed through the dark, dusty halls of her mind .... He walked over and stood looking at her. She looked back .... They, strangers, stood looking at each other .... and they looked over a big wall. The elevator came .... they looked over the wall, and the elevator went down again He sat down in the chair .... She began to get tired of standing, of being so far from him, of looking at the lights .... Behind her was the wheelchair .... I might as well sit down .... I built this wall I.... have to knock it down .... how?.... She sat down. Suddenly she swiveled and said "Your not very talkative are you?" "No" Well, I tried. thats the first down .... now what? she reached for the candy box if he takes one, I'll know he wants to make up .... She reached for a very squashed chocolate - "Have one?" "n'thanks" second down. The chocolate in her hand, bleeding green goo, became suddenly distasteful. She moved to the waste basket and chucked it. Coming back, she asked "Why did you?" "Why did I what?" "You know" "You mean, touch you?" "m-hm" He shrugged. She tried a different tack. "If I tried to explain, do you think you'd know what I was talking about?" His ego was hurt pretty badly when I slapped him .... I have to make him understand that it wasn't because he was or is repulsive .... I just have to stand up for my ideas! .... Don't I? .... "Donno' You could try .... " "Well .... if I hadn't gotten mad, I would have been contradicting myself, wouldn't I?" "Keep on" "That's about it" They sat and looked at each other again .... and the wall didn't seem to be much smaller. He reached his foot out and pulled the wheelchair closer .... he reached for her hand, and the wall shrank .... then her head sank down to his shoulder and they felt the wall sliding down from between them .... He kissed her I can't breathe! .... but oh, it is wonderful to be back here! .... He kissed her again - the radio crooned "You're a smooth operator .... " "You are," said Ellie. "You're a cool sweet potatoe " You are, thought Ellie. m-m-m The elevator opened - they dropped hands haistily. A boy with bongo drums stepped in "Oh," he said. "Any idea when you'll be through?" "What were you going to do?" "Bongo." He indicated the two white drums in his hands. "C'm on in and bongo anyway!" said they. "Uh-uh, there are times when it's not quite suitable!" He grinned knowingly and vanished into the elevator. It stopped at 6th. Immediately, Ellie thought - that must be Jack! Jack is the 16 year old psychiatric ward patient - very mixed up kid. Going to meet him if I can After he left, Doug kissed her again! m-m-m. She ran her hand ruefully through her hair - "this sort of stuff is hard on the hair .... it really makes it straight!" "If you think its hard on your hair, think what it does to me!" "Is it hard on you?" "And how!" Isn't it funny? How could it be? But she wispered a little secret in his ear "You know what?" she said, "I still think you're too smoochy .... !" "Do you really?" She did "Are you still mad at me?" said he "If I was, I wouldn't be here. You know somethin'? I was getting tired of standing up!" "I know. That's why I moved the wheelchair over there .... " Ellie felt as though she'd burst with the wonder of it - I was mad at him, I'd hurt his male vanity a lot .... but still, he had moved the chair to where I could sit down and still save face when I got tired .... How very wonderful! .... how very, very, wonderful .... Just a little later, he paid her the supreme complement. "You're different!" he said, "I just can't figure you out .... " Score one! January tenth? - no, ninth - He looks awful n-i-c-e today - a red shirt that makes his hair look sort of reddish gold .. and his eyes are green - even if he does argue on that point! - His shirt sort of outlines his muscles .. H-m-m? Hm-m-m! ....... January 9 [letter] How-are-you-I-am-fine. In fact very fine - when this cast comes off - next Tuesday at the soonest - my doc told me I could go swimming in the hydrotherapy pool. Can hardly wait. I've been meeting more people lately - an 18 year old guy named Doug who is an ex con, who I spend a lot of time with. A cute "bellboy" who brings up our meals over weekends. Two 15 year old girls who work in the kitchen. Uncle Bill was up to see me a few days ago - showed him around quite a bit. He was fairly impressed. With good reason - the entire population of this place, including staff, is supposed to be very near 7,000. I borrowed a tiny transistor radio - about the size of an electric shaver - from Doug, as his room has three and ours none. Did I tell you about the penthouse? It's just a little room on the 7th floor (room) that leads out to the sundesk. What do we do here for excitement? Well Doreen and I go for races in the musty, fusty tunnel that leads to the Mewburn. Halfway its uphill and half down so we really zoom for a while and then have to make like the engine that could. After one of these thrilling chases (in which we try to knock down as many peole as possible) we come back and raid the fridge, which is usually full of fruit juices and milk shakes. Nights, I either watch TV or chat with Doug or chase around talking to people. I don't have to go to bed unless I want to, or get up when it's getting up time. Usually I practice the nursing arts by making my own bed. Most of the nurses are good pals, but those head nurses are just to bull-doggish. My favorite nurse got the GG [Governor General's] medal when she was in grade 9. When I get back I'm going to put my nose to the grindstone and really forget about everything but studying. I heard that I got about 85 in the French test - did I? I now have 2 copies of Seventeen magazine and they are a real menace to the hospital management as the nurses and ward aids can't resist stopping their work to leaf through them. My best pal, the 15 year old psychiatric patient, went home for New Years and then disappeared. Nobody knows where she is. Tonight is hockey night so no TV. I'm writing this up in the penthouse whle waiting for something to do. January tenth [journal] - All evening I've been feeling at loose ends, like last night, and the night before .... I wish they'd left those chairs on deck in the penthouse! But I've been having doubts about the real reason for the "absence of devotion" - now I feel good again .... Doug was quite near - a few chairs away in a dark corner - when we watched the television show "Here today" It was a wonderful show, not for itself, but for the meaning it had to me .... The girl wasn't pretty, exactly .... her nose was too prominent, but that wasn't the only way I am like her, or she is like me .... In the personality, she had some of the very same qualities I find in myself .... The qualities that I'm only beginning to find, that I have doubts about .... She was strong minded, stubborn - so am I .... She had her ideas about love ...., she couldn't quite trust the guy she was involved romanticly with ...., she felt lost when he wasn't around, but didn't know whether she really wanted him to touch her .... And so the similarity developed .... I was enthralled! In the plot, it was so much alike - in a much bigger way - to the experrience I've found in the last week - I met Doug exactly one week ago - there was the immediate attraction .... The uncertain character of the man who had her under a half way spell .... the way she repelled his touches even tho' she wanted them .... the showdown, the slump afterwards .... The terrible feeling after the showdown, the attempt at explaination .... Both she and he reacted almost exactly as Doug and I did .... Even the details - this may sound silly but it is absolutely true - the way he stroked her neck when they were together again .... the way he looked at her when she buried her head in his shoulder .... the way he almost kissed her, but she stopped it midair .... The cat and mouse game of retreat and follow, the quality of not knowing anything much .... I could have been us, it might have been - I wonder if Doug noticed - ....? He and I smiled at each other during the part where he finally did kiss her .... It was a friendly, understanding smile, and I still feel good because somehow it's a good luck charm against my blues. Smiles do things like that .... his smiles. After it was over, when I started to leave, he started to leave too .... and we walked over to the corner togeather. There he stopped and talked for a while .... it was nice, and I'm still happy. To get back to the show, I still remember the way I felt through those scene .... watching her face, her actions doing what I did in my heart .... feeling the way she felt because I could remember Oh, I know how it is, I thought, I know! I know! I've seen it, Ive been through it .... It was smaller, but it was the same .... I do know .... And it is wonderful, knowing.... because knowing is everything .... and feeling, is knowing .... January twelve Yesterday was one of those buzy days - I found the library, and got Giant, Main Street, and Auntie Mame. - spent a lot of time in physio, watching - rediscovered Jimmy .... I sorta' forgot about him for a while, but yesterday I found he was born to wear a swimming suit - when he comes up from under, his hair is all curly and his lashes have water on them, and he tosses a big browneyed smile at me - we had a long talk, while he was swimming and I was "sunning" myself at the side of the pool. The craziest thing happened yesterday evening. The observer was there - Ellie stayed up to watch T.V. after 10 last night, with only Kenneth Payne, and that sweet old man who is her best beau. It got boring, so she walked across the room to look out at the stars the lights the people the cars (style - Edna Ferber) And she talked for a while, to the white haired man who is always such a dear, and so nice to talk to. (He had a piece of Doreen's birthday cake) Ken was lying flat on his back on a chaise, and as usual, looked like a little boy grown up, but grown with distinction and downright niceness. Ellie goes for that pipe he smokes! And the name is perfect. In a way, he's the "older man" type, if you know what I mean. When the "boyfriend" left, she cautiously reached out and tickled Ken's nose with a blind rope - he turned over and his breathing sounded deeper Goodness, he is asleep! But just then he sat up, looked at her. "Come here" he said She took the few steps over to the sofa, and leaned over the back of it. "What?" she asked. Suddenly he stretched up his arms and pulled her head down .... It was a close thing. With a few more inches he would have kissed her, but she pushed him away with one unhurried gesture. She was startled for an instant, but there was no panicky feeling - only surprise, and just one furtive, secret feeling of jubilation (only a very small one) "You," she said firmly, "have been drinking." The minute she said it, she realized that it was true, there was a certain smell on his breath, and he couldn't talk quite clearly "You're not kidding," he said. She slipt out thinking, I knew he was drunk because he wouldn't have done it otherwise .... its only to drunks that I have any sex appeal but who cares? She felt still that little trace of being pleased. And she dreamed that Jimmy kissed her - it had felt wonderful, and was so very real the first thing she thought of when she woke up, was Aw! .... it wasn't real .... ! But I could have been! It may happen. Amen. [new notebook]
January 12th The year? Nineteen hundred Sixty! Introduction I, as one watching from a remote, unpredjudiced vantage point, will now attempt to chronicle the history of a girl's life. the events narrated will be true, not fictionalized except for the occaisional dramatization for color. any likeness to any persons living or dead is purely intentional. The views herein expressed are of necessity those of the author, heroine, and sponser. There is no censor, but perhaps there should be one. The spelling, grammar, and punctuation is my own. I live by no law while writing herein. Let this be understood and let the mistakes not be regarded as [blotch], but as My Laws. The girl is a very odd person, but also too ordinary. She has no beauty. Except that which is conjured by imagination. I cannot see her clearly as she is seen by others, so I cannot detail her appearance. It is not worth considering. Let us rather concentrate on the actions and thoughts of this person. this person, who as all persons, is very intricately designed, has unconventional streaks which she is rather proud of .... Whether with reason or not, I do not know .... The personality traits will be better seen and understood by searching through the following pages than if I listed them. I myself, do not know exactly what they are. by and through careful study, I may find something, and she might. There may be some hair raising episodes recorded but not many. Not enough. the chatter will be ordinary, the ideas reflected very deffinitely by reading material and forceful personalitys. This shall not, by decree of the heroine, be for small details - it shall be a complete account of the Impressions of Everything, as seen by this fourteen year old complexity and her historian. Beginning the Observation Ellie, as seen today, is not the same person she was a month ago .... Ah, and what a difference.... Not noticable. But there is a reason to be. she has begun to come into the full legacy of a woman. She has been kissed. It was exactly one week ago that she was first kissed on the mouth, and nine days ago - Doug Odland kissed the back of her neck in elevator number eight. This was the first kiss. And the best. The sweetest. One month ago she began to embark on the time that was to bring her so very very much understanding. Knowing. She knows now, what it is to hold hands with a boy, to feel his strong warm fingers curling into hers. And to feel a little squeeze. She knows what it is to feel caressing affectionate fingers on her neck, her cheek, smoothing her eyelashes. She knows a kiss. The gentleness and tingle of it. The uncertainty. The gladness of it. She knows how it is to stand with a man's arms holding her closer, and her face on his strong shoulder. She knows the taste of laughing with a special person while looking into his eyes demurely, shyly, hopefully. She knows the bitter sweetness of standing against something small but wrong .... the very unsurety of not knowing - the wall so easily built and so very very hard to break down The gladness of being back under his warm look, and his self. She knows. But in knowing, she does not know. there are so very many things she does not know. So many to learn. She is adding her voice to the world.
1 Corinthians 14:18 *? She found this verse, and was imediately enthralled by the idea, by the truth, by the poetry of it. it is from the Bible, .... It is a perfect, complete, honest, idea. She is a voice. January thirteeth Mr Payne went home today - Mr Payne, who was dear, but unrestrained .... there is the feeling now, between him and the girl Ellie, the feeling which keeps them from looking at each other. he feels funny about his impulsive action, she feels that he feels rather embarrassed .. there is a strangeness. He left today, Kenneth - tall and lean, he called her something once - he tickled her toes on Christmas Day ..... And she can remember him, humming a snitch of "tannenbaum" beside the magical tree the same afternoon ..... All of Christmas was so perfectly golden, he was part of it ..... That is among other reasons why she will miss him. He is one person whom she will never forget. One of many. But still, very special .. "George left today too, I've experienced no pangs, but the realization that soon will be my turn to go home. How very terrible that will be, because my roots are very deep - there are so many associations .... So many wonderful people . I wish Mr - why, I don't even know what his name is! - was my father, because he is the most wonderful man here.. Doug is wonderful too, but in a very, very different way .... He is not a big person, or mature, or especially outstanding .... but he is young, he is so sweet, he is a born Romeo. He is wonderful." That's what Ellie says. Does she mean it? It is a very funny thing to say things you don't mean, but mean them with most of your heart. It is very puzzling. Today she was initiated into the mysteries of playing Rummy and a game called hearts. It was fun - really, Ellie! Playing cards! It was no worse than Rook, except for being a whole lot more interesting .... And besides that, she had coffee with a total stranger! Imagine. But seriously, there is no such thing as a pickup acquaintence being "illegal" here. because everybody is nice - well, nearly - and most are friendly - also lonely - so? she has been meeting a lot of people down in Physio. Yesterday, Stan - the Hydro and Gym guy took her for a coffee break (not Dutch) and today a guy from 4th floor, N.S. 41 whom she played catch with in Physio - the usual pattern is - meet them by a few chance remarks - get talkin - go for coffee - finish her Coke before he has even started his coffee, the reason being, that she asked a few leading questions, and soon he'd be gabbing away about himself - while she was listening absorbedly - exit 20 minutes later - sometimes after a struggle for remembering to say "thank you"! If he knew how old she was! Oo - and she got a whole box of dried apples - from a doting Grandmother! January fourteenth She met another very sweet person today - he was a character! Small, average build. Thinning black hair, a bumpy nose, and a huge enormous smile. He's another NS14 inhabitant - and are there ever some nice ones! He always smiles at her - he is, in short, enchanting. Today he said to her "Do you sing on radio?" "Why, no!" "When you smile, I hear beautiful music.... " !!!Imagine! he makes her feel vivacius and devastatingly feminine, which is how any girl wants to feel. this is why she likes him so immensely But he is truly an adorable elf of a man She had a thought - how strange - this morning. In a queer, logical way - Doug & Ken & this sweet man & all the nice guys who have taken me for coffee & George - prove to me that I am, first & formost, above all else, a girl. Even more than all the queernesses And what a wonderful thing to know! Every once in a while, after even a tiny triumph, there comes that feeling - she glories in this beingness, briefly. January fifteenth. Finis. The end. Doug is gone. He left about half an hour ago. "This is the end. Now I want to go home .. I've got nothing left - I really didn't expect it to effect me this way ..... While I was standing at the door this morning, Doug walked over and just said "Well, I guess I'm going home today .... " I hope I didn't look as dismayed as I felt when I said "Today?" It was a very imperfect parting. He walked down the hall, looking awful sharp in his dark suit with the blue shirt (the one that's so very linked to memorys) and carrying his shiney suitcase. I grabbed my crutches and hopped for the elevators. Couldn't even say anything because there were too many other people around. There was a panicy feeling, and I was quaking, shaking violently inside . The elevator came - we looked at each other for a minute - he stepped into the elevator. The panic rose. "Goodbye, Ellie .." he said. "Goodbye, Doug ." The door closed, the elevator went down. I had to turn my back to the hall, and stare at the wall for a long moment. I wasn't going to cry I reminded myself He doesn't mean that much to me. I wasn't in love with him .... I wasn't" The splatters on this page are genuine. The way she is acting is silly, and I for one can't understand very much of it. she wasn't in love with him, but if she wasn't in love with him, why cry? Why feel so funny? He did mean quite a lot to her, but that much? She didn't mean an awful lot to him - she did, for a while, but something happened, something disillusioned him. I'll always wonder, and never know, if it was her "hands off" policy .... Or what was it? did he suddenly realize that her leg was terribly ugly, or did he realize that she really wasn't pretty? Or was it her figure? Or was it some other girl? It's a tormenting question. The remembering is the painfullest, wonderfullest thing right now .... remembering that kiss, and the way he held her, his arms around her, and holding so possesively. It's been the most wonderful time in her life. now that's over. Nothing matters. I don't need to wear my best clothes I don't need to care how I look. I won't wait tensely for him to come around the corner, ever again. That's all over .... It's very hard to realize. I've been so very used to being tense and waiting. How am I going to exist now? it's all over. The end the end the end the end. So hard to believe. I knew this was coming, but I sorta' thought I'd be the first one to go, but I wasn't. I didn't think I'd take it thi way - I feel so desolate. This is just an outsized, trumped up version of the way I felt whenever he walked out of the sunroom before. But gone? Doug? Never see him again? I have a feeling that I've seen this show before, read this book before It was last November I think. Remember Gary? It was like this. Very much like this. Later Having just come back from a card game with the "boys", and having enjoyed thouroughly, she has come to the conclusion that, Doug or no Doug, she will live. After bedtime Not only will she live, but she will also enjoy herself hugely. Boy, that sure didn't take long. But her eyes are still sore from all that weepy-business. As she said in her Diary, it was a wonderful night. - Now what is so wonderful about playing cards with a bunch of guys? Actually, there was nothing really important - but maybe there was .... The guys she was playing with were Gerald Robbins and Don Johnston. Gerald is, to look at, nothing. Not good looking. A bit too much like the boys at home. Don is tall, older, a bit, very short blond hair - from Dawson Creek, and an ex-Canuck. We had a good time talking about the PR country and the hockey league up there. he also has a turn of mind that isn't quite unsullied. But her taste in jokes was usually respected more or less. One that broght down the house was about Abraham's ass - not as bad as it sounds. (Some of the time Jimmy played, but he blushes something terrible if anyone teases him. I asked how old he is - sixteen on New Years Day) Later in the evening when there were only Gerry and Don and I playing 500 point Rummy the conversation became more interesting .... It ran between Gerry's fiancé (next month is the ceremony) and Ellie. they inquired about the actual reason for her being in the hospital. I started in on the juicy details - polio, age 2, and so on - 5th operation, 6th hospitalization. Gerry said "I noticed your one leg is smaller than the other one. That's how my fiancé's is too." I was awfully surprized, 'cause I thought sure as anything he'd go for the beautiful, sexy, type. "Does she walk with a limp?" "Yes she does .... " and on to details. Ellie's little mind was meanwhile digging buzily in her cluttered files. Hesitantly, she said "I hope you don't mind my asking, but why did you decide to marry her?" Both of them looked at her, understanding perfectly what she was trying to say. Gerald said "Well, I guess we just liked each other an awful lot, - she was just like anybody else - we just fell in love. It didn't make any difference." Don looked at her queerly "Why do you ask?" "Curiosity, I guess. I just wanted to know." He made a shrewd guess. "You wanted to know about your own chances" he said. "More or less. But I'm not going to get married. I just wanted to know." "Why not?" Don asked. "I'm afraid I might hitch, afraid I might hook somebody like my father." "But you can't tell everybody by him!" Don exclaimed. Ellie felt suddenly even better than she had - even after winning, and fudgesicles, and all the laughing. I think a lot more of Gerry now .... he had a certain courage, - in order to let being in love make him forget her gross handicap, physical imperfection. I can have some chance for a few nice things happening - A few nice things have! By the way, even though she's new at these card games she does a pretty good job at winning a large percentage of them - and now she feels just a bit smug. Terrible! I feel a strange freedom now that Doug is gone - I can forget all about watching out for him all the time. I can even forget about him.
|