| still at home volume 2 part 1 - 1959 march-june | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
March 26th [1959] Dear Journal, Even tho things have been pretty exiting this nite, there is one fact that I'm really awed at. I seem to have found the secret of popularity. In fact, I've been finding it for a long time, but now, all of a sudden its dawned on me that my theory really works! Its this way: now that I'm back I seem to have stopped being the limpy little frump that never says anything, and now all of a sudden people start looking at me as tho they've never seen me before. Like Gerald and Darrel, and Jim, and Ray, even Donna and Gail and Sharron - they seem to be a bit surprised at this new vivacious (?) me and I really think they like it. Now I realize that the reason for my unpopularity is not the excuse I always hide behind, but just because I always waited for everybody to make the first move: Mainly the big shots weren't interested because I just never seemed interested either. when I think of that unsmiling visage I've had for such a long time I have to gulp. I'm really ashamed! From now on Elli you act interested! And Elli, your going to start being popular because you just will, being your new self. and starting from now on, your going on a campain to get everybody on your side! Kid, you really will, because youre going to individually tackle every single person in our room first of all, and then everybody else. Even the little kids. And Elli, almost I begin to get exited for you ..... [margin: This is not conciet, just a small awe altho it sounds rather odd -] For a run-down of the nite - I was determined to go and so I walked down to the corner. Thru mud and snow, slush and water, I plowed. But Im not the least bit sorry! For one thing, I got out for the first time in a long while and saw the sunset. And then, the program and companionship is worth anything. Kid I'm so glad I went! Because you learned a few things and practiced some of the things you already knew. Guess what! You sat beside Gary Angen not by choice but by coincidence. You didn't talk as much as I wish you had but still Im pretty proud of you! Some time, smile at him, and let him know you think hes a pretty good Joe and let him get the idea that your not half bad either! That goes for the rest of them too! so Ellie, from now on its all yours ..... Jimmy Patrick (incidentally, I got a ride with Patricks to La Glace) made a fool of himself but I didn't feel very sorry for him because he didn't seem to give a hoot. But as for Al, he was so embarresed he could have slid thru' the floor and I did feel sorry for him. The poor guys not so much now - like I figured, he died out. Still when you think of him like the "little" guy he is now, hes got his good points, And I did sympothize. Our play was a smash hit. Everybody else thought so and Gerald really did us proud. He was great. so were the rest because he backed them up, but really he was great! Gerald is a very likeable boy - Right now hes after Lorraine, and I don't blame him one bit! Myrt and him get along pretty good too. Lloyd and Stanley had an instrumental and then, Lloyd sang. They say he got saved at Lewises meetings. I'm glad and I hope to remember to pray for him and the other guys too. As well as me, and I do need it. Lloyds voice has gotten subtilely deeper and a lot richer too. It was a beautiful song and he did a beautiful job on it. I told Bernice to tell him for me that he was terrific. And I really think so too ....... In fact I like Berny better now too. Jan was gorgeous tonight. I saw her standing way back their with Arden. I saw a bunch of Sexsmith dreamboats too. What I've got to do is get a dreamy out-of-town too. Gail and Donna were making eyes at a couple of Aces. I N.V. them! But someday, ! Me too! I promise it to you, Elli I do hope its soon. I've been kidding around with Phil a little at just being friendly really paid off because tonite he was really chummy. So, if it works on him it ought to work on the rest too. To be honest with you, I can't wait to start charming 'em. Know somethin'? I've progressed to the point that I chatted with Mr. Brown, said hello to myriads of ladies and waved at Ordeen Throness. Nice guy. In short, I've been feeling the same sort of vivaciousness tonight as on that eventful night at Goertzes! Love, Elli March 27th Dear Elli, Have you noticed the new way of writing? To Elli - From Elli Got the idea from Anne Frank in a 'round about way. tommorrow I have high hopes of going to L.G. Say, I gotta new idea! I hope I can go to the graduation party and if'n I do, I'd like to wear these earrings, my pink dress, and my loverly crinoline. Its something I never really even considered before, but when I think of it, its rahther a nice idea. Edith is going I think. So if she does maybe I can arrange it if I'm not in the hospital which I might be Bother. Today by the way, is Good Friday I feel that I deffinately should feel a bit more awed or meditative or something but somehow I'm not exactly It seems as tho' I don't quite comprehend the Sacrifice involved ..... Maybe someday I will. Pop gave me a few lessons in plunking on that guit-ar and I'm all thumbs Yours, Elli! March 29th Today was Easter Day. I truly enjoyed Church this morning. The quartet from Herbert was there and they were quite looker-ish. A cute one (2nd tenor) reminded me of somebody I cain't place. His creep-ily Mennonitish name was Melvin Wiens. There was another one that facinated me even more. he was a quiet guy, modestly good looking with an air almost like Howard Forseths. But unlike Howard, he had a fantastic talent. When he talked, his voice came from 'way down around his toes. And when he sang - his solo was the kind that you sit thru wide eyed and almost holding your breath. He didn't have any particular power or rolling tones but I just got a feeling that his mouth was just full of ripe notes that passed out in a steady, slow, very tranquil, flow. I smiled at him specially when I caught his eye. And when he passed me outside, he smiled back. Last night and this morning when I read thru the last few chapters of John, I began to really see the things happening right in front of me. Seems I'm blessed with a good imagination because every thing became more reall to me. even the people and the characters. Really, Its very facinating. I saw the evening sky in the garden of Gethsemeny and heard the brook at the bottom of a large hill, spaned by a small oriental bridge. The little bunch of deciples following Jesus up the hill and then at the very top Jesus prayed by himself. Then later when it was all dark I looked down the hill and saw light shining on shields and spear point below. when the procession came near the top I saw Jesus walk slowly down to meet them. His voice was slow too, when he spoke. "Whom seek ye? .." I saw the torch light flickering over the young unmoving face of the foremost soldier. He studied Him for a moment then spoke "We seek Jesus of Nasareth." - Just a hard statement with no emotions whatever. "I am he" the answer was softly spoken and there was no challenge in the eyes of the lone man. about this time, the lights had awakened the other diciples who came up behind Him silently. Peter was still slightly sleepy but the thought of any danger to his beloved Master infuriated him terribly. With scarcely a thought he unsheathed his sword and flashed it wildly into the crowd. Peter is my favorite diciple I have my own ideas about Peter. I think he was a tall man and broad shouldered but with a lean face and dark slightly curly hair. His eyes were grey and unobtrusive but with long lashes. And a quiet man. But somehow Jesus had brought a changing point into his life. he seemed so impulsive and rather gentle tho' So human Maybe thats why I liked him more. And later in Pilots mansion I saw him in the outer court standing around the red coals and warming his hands. This morning I read about the first Easter mornning and then I thought about Mary Magdalene. To my mind she was a beautiful woman. The woman from whom Jesus had driven seven demons. The woman of the smooth dark face and the enormouse wild eyes. The one who was the first to see Jesus after his reserection. I like to think of her as loving Jesus in a special way, and of Him having a special regard for her. there was a strange friendship between these too But he knew that nothing could ever come of it because, after all, he was Gods Son and even in his childhood he knew that when His work was finished He would go back Home. However, because He was a man there must have been some mating instinct, some yearning within Him, but well hidden. She saw him in the garden and when He said so softly - "Mary " She replied with a great calm desending again, just to be able to see Him "Master ....?" It is rather beautiful. I just went for a quick trip outside. Aurora Borielis made a line across the northern sky and streaked the sky with silvery dashes above it. There was that cool crisp fragile quality of sky whose pattern was modeled after this verse "the heavens declared the glory of God and the firminent showeth His handiwork." The night air was not at all still, instead boustress with the half frost suppressed giggle of the everlasting spring brookes. P.S. All todays thoughts sounded extremely pious didn't they? March 30 A nothing day. Sat around in an old pair of jeans and a shirt. April 1 The snow is slipping away in streams and I found a lot of little green plants. Wrote one of those letters to Jan. April 4 Was sorta' sick altho not very. Readup on ancient and modern Art - Leonardo, Gainsborough. April 5 - Kitchen table Dear Journal, Concentration is rahther difficult - violins and whatnot else are shreeking out to the world the various emotions of man and altho partly true to form, more often they're like banshees. However, I've been thinking about one thing 'specially lately, perhaps 'cause everyones always preaching about it, and also I've done quite a lot of reading on it - books like "Alas Babylon" - what I'm talking about is: the possibility of the nuclear, H-bomb, war. How grisely (S.W.) but very possibally very soon. People are becomming more and more conscious of it. Grandma and Grandpa seem strangely resigned to the fact that they might not ever see us again because of a war and the horrible death connected with nuclear warheads and missels. It seems queer to think, that of the hundreds of ages and cultures, and generations, it is probable that I am living in the last times. For I can't see how civalization could possibly raise itself any higher or get anymore destructive power, or know any more about how to wipe out a world. All this forever "radioactive" jazz, and all this "nuclear fission" business is rahther unnerving becauwse we really don't know much about what they are and their dangerousness, real or imaginary, are definitely frightening. So the next war could be nothing but the last one. And this means I will not even retain my gift of life for very long .... I am so sorry because I do so want to grow up and see things and do things and "love and be loved" and mainly just to finish living. But perhaps I shall - God only knows ..... Only today someone commented that a bomb dropped over the Pacific could wipe out this entire populace because of the air currents that would carry radioactive fall-out. Br-r-r-r ......... I often wonder about this sort of thing and I am sorry that its going to have to be so soon, but one thing I can learn - live each day for itself, Elli, and make your life count while you have it. And of course theres spiritual values to be considered. Maybe I don't have a heap of livin' left but what I have will probably become more wonderful with the realization of its rareness . What a morbid "ehloge". (S.W.) I will forget about it tho' and just live as happily as I can. - Yours, Elli I was just thinking about how nice it is to have "someone" I can write to, without having to bend over backwards trying to be witty. Its very relieving. And I don't have to strain to make my notes as long or entertaining as "theirs" was. April 7 Ate 3 jars of cherries when Mom and Dad were in town. April 8 Played ball. April 10th - In bed and terribly hot - about 11 p.m. Just a little while ago I hopped outside for a ritual look at the world. Things were moving outside, mainly the warm full wind. The bigger constelations were bright but all across the sky as if it were only a gausy white film, was a soft mist. Rahther "nice", I thought. The usual white streak across the northern sky was there too. Its been hot all day, I didn't even wear a coat to school and all day the heat has made me lazy and just plain dopey. Summer is definitely very near, altho no leaves yet, but then it is only early April. I have my window open tonight and now, finally, theres a small breeze in the right direction. I wanted to write about Anne Frank - I've noticed something - she died in March, 1945. And I, I was born in March 1945! If I believed in incarnation (or is it reincarnation?) I would think that it had been her spirit that entered my new born body. I can't quite believe that theory because I have been finding myself to practially minded lately - is it a process of growing up? But there are other things too - she had a sister who might have been as antaganizing as mine and one of her parents was a lesser tyrant and the other, too pacified. In her case her mother was the tyrant, in my case its Daddy. Her description of her mom is very like my idea of Daddy occasionally, but Daddy isn't so foppish and has more of a rocky cruel bottom nature. I blow off about him often enough too. I hate to face it but maybe he and I and Paul are birds of a feather horrors! Mom always gives in to pop to much and too soon. (pop with no capital letter is my backstage name for "father dear." I champion Mom once in a while because she is such an "armes shafh." So meek and mild to pop, its a pity! So much for my dear family, more about them when I'm mad. Anne was frank, about those silly hush-hush matters and about critisising people. She could get mad! For which I am thankful - so can I! I can't see how I could have stood it for those years in the "annex" without once going outdoors. It must have been awful. Later on, she had Peter and a few enteries were very blissful. Still later on I could feel she didn't like that necking so much any more. Illusians burst so easily I guess I don't need to be in any terrible hurry to be really kissed for the first time. It will probably, I'm thinking ruefully, be one big bubble burst. I for one, am going to wait for the right guy. Funny how opinions differ - Jan thinks kissing is "heavenly bliss, etc", and Evy says its "horrible". All depends on an attitude, I guess. Jan ought to know, shes very experianced. But Evy prob'ly just got the wrong guy. I don't see why I have to be in such a harram-scarram hurry for romance. I've still got my life don't I? Its "allong" time so I mustn't break too many bubbles now. I want to keep a few, and a few dreams, and a few beliefs and just a little bit of faith in man-kind. Do adults always become so hard and have they no faith in any goodness? Perhaps a few do, how am I going to manage to grow up wisely? To be a women with faith and a few dreams, and to be not too sensible I guess you could say it this way - "to grow graciously" I read somewhere that it was a great tradgedy when a girl did not become a women when she stops being a girl. Oh, to live one must be wise, it seems .... So I must collect wisdom - in quotations, poetry, and in myself. From God ... experience .... books .. and a growing within myself. When I grow up and am no longer a girl I want to be a woman - a brave, wise, but even more important, a compassionate woman. And then shall I too be, such a happy person. meditatively, Elli note The roads are almost dry now, and I never where boots any more. As if to challenge nature or something. I probably wouldn't have to clean my shoes so often if I wore boots like a sensible person, but spring! - ah the woods indeed are beautiful and deep but I too have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep April Eleventh On our bed at approximately five to eight. Haven't really got anything to write about but am anyway. I felt ambitious or something today 'cause I curried June this morning, and then raked leaves in the front yard. Also, we seem to have started a talk-German-and-get-a-bike-later campaine. How awfully some of it comes out - all those "tats" and "dier or dich?" thingamajigs. After dinner we had to paint Old Whatshisnames grainary. On the way back, saw Marv, Mava, Mr Maceeman and Al. Just dawned on me that that grinning, freckled, guy would be nice for a pal but never for a boy friend. Too much like an unloyal puppy. Rode June, after supper, all the way to the corner 'cause I was doing a bit of detective work. Oh - on the way to the grainary, I noticed a white-grey car behind us, and one of them seemed to wave. When it was closer I realized who it was, Janeen, no less. So course I was overjoyed and would like a --? (no suitable adjective) I should really visit our neighbours oftener, I think - I hardly even know them. One resolve I'm making in the same category as remembering names and learning the art of conversation. Communication is a "great wonder", so are my barn red paint freckles. Dear, dear, really got a sore bum. The art of trotting comfortably. You have to learn how to get your fanny down on the precise center of that backbone or else your dead. Juney Otta is rahther stubborn but boy does she speed up when shes going home! The sunsets okay. pretty colors and all that. Just think - two pages saying absolutely 0% - nothing! Wonderingly, Elli April 13 I wore my gladest rag to school today - crinoline of course. It gives me that vivacious feeling. April 18th On my bed - 8 o'clock Today I did something I've always wondered about - no, I didn't kiss someone, but almost as good! I went to town with Janeen and Helene and Hank. Boy! Yesterday I heard Jan and Helene talking about going to town so I just said something about wishing I could go along because they always had such thrilling eventures all the time. Like fr'instance that time they went to the carnival she held hands with Leslie Lewis whom I saw, and who is cute! So anyway, they started thinkin' about it and decided maybe they could come and get me. Of course all this morning I was in a state of tenseness. Then just while I was devouring a pork chop at dinnertime I heard a motor - Daddy? I dashed helter skelter to the window The dust was rising behind the wheels of - Hank's car! Yippee! So I dashed helter skelter some more to get changed. I wore my green dress my green sweater over top and my crinoline (Jan says Hank has a weakness for crinolines!) Daddy wonder-of-wonders gave me a dollar because he didn't have any smaller change but he said I didn't have to spend it all so that meant he probably wants some back. We spun down our dear road. The radio was on to the Saterday afternoon hit parade. I thought it was just the perfect back ground. Closer to G.P. we got more into the mood of it and started waving "madly". We hopped to the Dentist's first. "Come back later" said he. So we scooted out again, leaving our favourite mags where we could get them again. we went down to Woolworths and browsed through the cosmetics. Helene however is no browser. She can't even walk slow! When we got back to dear Dentist hank was just finished and after a while we got impatient (when we finished our magazines) And so we decided to hop it and do some of our errends. Jan got some stuff from the dry cleaners, then we couldn't find Hank's car so we lugged 'em along to the Eatons Office. Back to the Dentist just as Helene was ready to go. Then we rushed wildly around 'cause they were looking for jackets. When we got hungry we looked around - Bamboo Gardens too plushy - Joes too crowded - so we went to the Jade where we got a back booth. 3 cokes, after which we still hung around watching. There were teenagers only, in it. They were so nice, playing mostly songs we liked. We each got a milkshake then. I got vanilla, Jan chocolate, and Helene strawberry. A most hideous waitress served us first. Then an even hideous-er one came in. Oo-oh! Her hair was piled and piled ontop of her head in the most elaborate and unbecoming curls and waves. Sure looked top heavy. Her lipstick was smeared all over her mug and her belt was so tight around her buxom waist that her hip fat rolled over it. Ugh-gh-gh! Her walk was even awful but worst of all was her eyes. She had eyeshadow to look as if she was getting a black eye, but even terribler was her eyemakeup. Her lashes must have been artificial because they were so long and frighteningly curled and just beaded with mascara. Most, as I have said before, Hideous! Meanwhile Someone came in. Two couples who sat right behind me. One cute girl with a boy-ish boy (brown eyes!) sat directly behind me. The other couple was across from them - the girl I thought was mousey. Blonde ponytail and pale eyes behind dark rimmed glasses. I imediately dubbed her "horn rimmed owl" maybe because I was jealous of the beautiful, dreamy, Doll beside her. Doll is the wrong word for it but it's the only one there is. His hair was in that curly black brushcut style made famous by Gary. And his eyes were dark and when he contemplated his Orange, they looked definitely dreamy. His slightly triangular face was awfully awfully S-w-e-e-t but his grin - oh-o-o. His grin went straight into my heart. And it was then after one look at that oh-so-adorably-adorable grin I leaned weakly over the table and said slowly - "I just fell in love" Breathlessly. Jan looked at me with that very familiar look of "it-seems-you've-just-said-something-weighty-but-I-can't-quite-fathom-it" look. Helene I didn't even bother looking at. "What am I going to do?" I asked hopelessly, helplessly. "Write him a note and tell him you love him" Jan said practicly. That's just how redic. the situation was. But I felt so overwhelmed. And one grin did it - moan. What could I do?! Evidently nothing. Because when they left, they just walked out of my life and all I could do was moan again "What will I do? " Jan understood. (Simple sentence but very weighty!) And - What Will I do?! Forget it. How?! Guess I Can't I'll have to have him for my dream man because hes just too dreamy and he'll be just the right size to fit into my heart Wonder if I'll ever see him again. Besides in my dreams of course. Met Connie Laninga who is a sweet little chit. Jan saw Arden who waved at her, and then she had to lean on me - so overwhelmed was she. I guess that was the same as the way I felt only in a Giant size edition. I saw that absolutely sweet looking kid with the big eyes and gave her a big smile. Her answering smile was very, very, pretty. Love to look like her! Back in Woolworths we fooled around at the cosmetic counter. Finally I took the plunge and bought an "Orange Ice". Loverly. Jan got a pretty pink. Helene got a dollar wallet which was nice. Both kids got a red nylon jacket at Simpsons. Hope that red car coat I ordered comes soon. Finally we found Hank again and trudged back to the car. He sent Jan to get 6 chocolate bars. While I was waitin' a tall rangy guy walked past and (for kicks) I smiled as pretty as I could. He winked! He really did - I smiled broader than ever. How nice. There was another guy I smiled at - one with a terribly decorated truck. - I "dug" it, thats why. I waved at motorcyclists who roared past. Mainly because they connect with my past Eventurous places. Helene thought I was loony. Jan didn't. See the diffo? I thought it was a perfect day. Didn't you? Just wonderful. Gaily remembering - Elli We left, I forgot to say. And got home safely, if not exactly languidly. Love to do things for Jan and with her. Loverly kindred fun! She said we ought to do it more often. I think so too. April 23 I moved my desk and made Edith mad. Care less. April 25 Saturday - cleaned out the porch, washed the trailor, sanded some furnature, got sick and soon had a temp of 104 degrees. April 25 In bed, "early" Sat morn Dear Journal, What I'm thinkin' about, and what I'm writing about may be not quite respectable, but anyway its what my opinions, etc are so I will write it! Just this - I read Peyton Place (a small part of it, the worst part) and was so - not horrified exactly but preoccupied, - that I could not consentrate on Math, and got myriads wrong. No wonder, the discription she puts into it! Wow! It was like this: these two kids went down to the lake for a swim in the pitch dark. They didn't wear bathing suits of course, they wore birthday suits! Only. Well, they undressed in the dark and she beat him into the water. He chased her all over but he couldn't find her. Then all at once he heard the car horn and realized that she was back in the car and already dressed, which made him mad because he had planed to roll her in the sand and feel her up some. He stumbled up the beach to the car, naked and then when he was almost to the car she switched the light on and laughed at the way he tried to cover himself with his hands. That really made him madder. When he got into the car he put on just his pants and started kissing her. "Not here" she said "down on the beach" He hadn't even got the blanket smooth before she was lying on it, holding out her arms. It went on to say how she "nibbled his lower lip" and how she kept moving closer and closer to him wiggling. He reached for the back fastening of her halter and "soon the small garment was lying on the sand." Its then she described how "she thrust her breasts against him" and the various emotions he felt. She kept pressing her body closer and tighter against him. It said she had let him feel around her bare breasts often. Eeeks! Then it said "he felt the V of her crotch and pressed tight against it." This was where she usually stopped him. Pulled him away by his hair or something. This time she didn't and it said "her tight shorts came off as easily as if they had been a few sizes too big." And it said "she moved her hips expertly." He was thinking that everything he had heard about virgins implore not to hurt them so, etc. But this one only made queer noises in her throat and moaned hurry, hurry, hurry. He was lost in her etc, etc, etc. I found it very educational. But I've been wondering about all the passion and emotional stuff. I've heard daddy moaning on those Sunday afternoons in their bedroom when they keep their door closed. Yeeks. And if I get married I'll have to give my body to some man and do the same thing. Frankly, I'm curious. April 29 Rained today, snowed today, sun shined a very little, wind blew. April 30 This morning I looked out and low and behold more snow than when we were gone almost. May 1 Here it is May the first and outside there are inches of snow with inches and inches of mud underneath. May 2 A snowy muddy miserable Saterday but we did finally get the radio in. May 3rd Living room table Sunday afternoon - my usual hashing-over-incidents-and-blabbing-them-to-my-journal-time. For once, I have too much time on my hands and am bored stiff. The weather is even stiff - frozen stiff. Snow in May! And a 22 degree F temperature! Bother ... Lately I've been actin' kinda queer too, so I have to write it all down so as to get an all over picture of fourteen year old life. There have been a couple of times when I bawled even though I had thought there wouldn't be any more bawling. One afternoon I find Mom cutting up her old station waggon coat and I felt a chill of what might be called a forboding of evil. I gasped, "don't tell me thats !" but it was. So I stormed off to the bedroom and howled for a while. Funny thing, but the howling got results - a new car coat. [page missing] I boo his singing because I know that is one thing I am undoutably better at than he is .... The list could go on - thats said ruefully - Judy I'm not so afraid for altho I don't know why. I do look very enviously at her legs tho - because she has very beautiful legs .... Her slimness, and everyonce in a while her hair, make my faintly jealous too, but not so often as could be. Perhaps I realize she is rather superficially grounded ... She's only budding now, and is terribly awkward socially. Only her legs .... I wonder, maybe I'm a little afraid too, if she will collect more beaux ... will she have her first date earlier? I think I have a more pleasing personality though. If only it weren't for those legs ... Maybe I should take stock - assets - my face is quite pretty at times my hair has a nice color. Nice eyes (reasonable) sining voice, slight artistic ability, normal or a little above I.Q. Some social ability to make conversation, some attraction to boys because I'm a girl ... Some initiative and ideas. some days when i'm vivacioous. Appreciation of the beautiful. Some literary ability. liabilities - awful figure, terrible legs, no athletic ability, act too noisy sometimes, to withdrawn sometimes .. make to many mean comments look down on too many nobodies not tactful enough can't remember names, sometimes can't concentrate, limp, not too many clohtes, big nose, wide shoulders, uneven teeth, big seat, queer lumberjack bone build, eat to much, bumpy complexion .... This list goes on and on ..... Sure wish it wasn't so everlasting Oh well, skip the rest. Myrtle and I have a new project. We're writting a story as co-authors. Its about a bunch of kids who go off to a Hawaiian island with an old sailor and his girl. Myrt and I are main characters of course, and togeather with 3 dream boats and a girl patterned after that Sherri I met in Hillsboro. Called Sherri too. This has an impossible plot etc. but were writing it for fun, not to get famous. It was during religious education one day, I misbehaved myself slightly I was copying some stuff into our story book, when old Dave Friesen whom I have always loathed, it seems, came and tapped me on the shoulder. Mr. Lima droned on about Noah or Gideon or somebody, and I wanted to get that finished before hometime, anyway I saw Gail writing so I kept on. Course the creep couldn't let that pass. So he snuck up and grabbed both books. I was a wee bit embaressed but just wished I'd hung on - tight! He gave 'em back. ON OUR BED This is just a post script. I meant to write this before but I sorta' forgot. This is not me, the dreamer, writing, and not me, the happy go lucky, this is me, the cynic. Unusual? But I say so because I am going to write something cynical. I am going to write that I do not believe in love .... Of course I believe in the God's love kind, and the love of a friend, but that romantic, storybook love is a hoax! .... That fire and roses feeling, that tenderness, that everlasting quality, its qualities could go on ever and ever .... Phooey! Love is nothing but sex and thats a fact! When people "fall in love" really it is just a cover for the prehistoric, crude, reproducing, urge. Bah! Anyone could see sex doesn't much appeal to me. So these "young loves" are only crushes that stem 'way 'way back to Adam. It does hurt to think that something seeming so exquisite and removed from earth, something valued so highly, would turn out to be earthy and vulgar underneath the pink mist. Bother. But when you think of sex from a different angle, it appears grande, even. Mom once phrased it "when a man enters a woman". Now that made it seem beautiful, as if a man worshipfully, reverently, enters into something sacred, woman ... Really tho, thats only words. It does seem so squalid, so dirty otherwise! Time may change ideas --- May 4 School again at last. Its still muddy and the bus isn't running. May 5 Wore my red car coat today. We were late for school. May 9 Painted a chair, and a bedside table top. Washed my hair. May 11 Scream day at school. Poured my perfume down Geralds back. They smeared lipstick all over. May 12 Weighed for track meet, 5'4", 116 lb. May 15 Hot! Leaves came out! May 15 Dear Di- I do mean Journal, My, what a life! This isn't agonna be a romantic, or cynical, tirade or anything. Just a plain Report on life as it is with me. Well, its pretty good - I figure this last while has been pretty good Oh-oh, gotta blow off this light in one big hurry. More next time. Hurriedly Yours, Elli P.S. This last scribble was ajourned so abruptly because I heard Mom coming back from the field and thought maybe I should play it safe Such is life. May 16 Judy and I walked up to the oilwell and saw the derrick being raised. May 18 B-o-r-i-n-g - - - May 21 That stupid father of mine gave Paulie all that Baloney about not looking at him like a pig, idiot, etc, again May 22. Friday evening Today was track meet! I met some pretty sweet kids - Before I tell all about a terrifically nice day in detail, I'll describe some of the characters so as to know them when I come to them. Marylyn - a real darlin, from Hythe with wide blue eyes, a few freckles, a perfect pink and white complexion, light brown hair, mediumly long, and a sweet sorta' smile. She caught my eye as being a real cuty-pie right away. Then later I met her. A nice kid too, I thought. Anyway, I admired her tremendously. Then there was a sweet little kid from Valhalla with real short hair lovely eyes, and a refined sort-of-way-of-talking. Loverly complexion. This crazy pen! Have to get a new one, I guess. [resumes in pencil] Blackie - a ladies man. short black hair, rougeish look, likes girls, no, positively no, shyness involved, and he looked unbelievably like Jerry Lewis. And that's no lie, lots of people agreed with me. His pal - whose name I don't know but shall call cutie, because he was. Cuter than Blackie by far. Built more solidly, long slicked down black hair, big dark eyes, a lot like Vic Rahns, even a few freckles, easy going. Good pals with the beautiful June who had such loverly eyes and cute little mouth. A looker in short. These three were from Hythe which seems to have about the nicest kids. All right, now I shall begin to "narrate" and I want to remember every single wonderful detail - The bus was fairly empty this morning but Verna and I chatted away with Audrey. When we got there I hung around a little while because Myrtle wasn't there yet. Then we kids hopped downtown (no notes) and I got the mail. Then when I got back there were more kids there - Hythe, Valhalla, Goodfair, and Lymburn. All the different schools banded togeather in tense cliches. We La Glacers stood around surveying them cooly, looking for cute kids and labeling the rest "freaks." Marylin caught my eye imediately. It was funny but we felt imensely superior to those unfamiliar milling crowds. We had the flag raising, Oh Canada and a stilted tumblers act. Then we broke up and went around the pits to watch. I was getting so tired of tagging behind Myrtle and Helene, not physically tired, I mean, but just sick and tired of the way Helene bosses us around. Don't know quite why I dislike Helene so much. Myrtle I think likes her and Helene really does monopolise her. She just seems so crude and unrefined and stupid and butty-in. Maybe its because we have so very little in common. But anyway I was glad when we hitched onto Marylin and a pal or two of hers. We chatted in their buses for a while. Then - we were combing our hair in front of the bus mirror when two guys came in. Blackie said to me. "Hey, your in my seat but that's okay," and sat down beside me. Mm-m-m ....! Cutie sat down in the drivers seat in front of me. Marylin decided to leave. I followed right at the tail end. Just when I was going to get out, Cutie closed the door! "Sit down and rest yourself!" I stayed standing "Those kids'll think I stayed here because I wanted to!" I said. "Who cares what that dam Marylin thinks?" asked Blackie. "Whats so "dam" about her? Shes a cute kid" I said. "Yeah .... shes cute maybe, but ...." After a while Cutie asked what grade I was in. "Eight." "Is that all!" he exclaimed. "How old are you?" "Coming 15," I said but somehow neglected to say just when I'd be 15 (In ten months to be exact!!) We talked about Dewey Stickney, a mutual "friend." And we joked around some. I sat down on the steps, looking out the glass parts in the door, feeling just a little silly but enjoying myself anyway. We chatted bout different unimportant things and then suddenly the gals appeared outside the door. Myrtle gasped "Hey there she is!" and burst out laughing "I feel like a monkey in a cage," I said. Maralyn said "go out the emergency door" Blackie dashed to guard it. It took a while but finally they let me go. Before, when a little guy asked them what they were doing with me, "Haven't done anything" Cutie laughed and added, "yet." When I was finally free, Helene, Myrtle, Bev, Marilyn and I took off downtown for a Pepsi or something. I sat beside Marilyn across from H, M, and Bev. Later, Blackie, Cutie and June came in and sat down at a table. Blackie hissed, to catch my attention, "Hey, pull up a chair, don't be scared!" "No chairs left," I said. He thought a moment, "you can sit on my knee," he suggested. "Ha ha," I grinned mockingly. Later out at the ball diamond we gals were lying around on our tummies. Blackie and Cutie came over to the girls corner and leaned against June (Blackie) and a double dome [?], creepy, sexy talking drip (Cutie). Said she wanted to go swimming in her birthday suit. That type. We were gabbing back and forth with all of the kids Once I was slyly looking at Cutie thru my button-hole, when The drip leaned over and wispered something to that dark head just under her chin. When he looked at me I suddenly realized what she had been telling him. I was so embaressed that I turned my back hastely and started talking to Myrtle fast. Later when I asked anybody in general what the time was, Blackie quiped meaningly "about six hours 'till dark." The drip said, "I've got lots of time, how about you?!" I think it was June who said, "two o'clock" Now, I had booth duty at two, so I dashed off, saying "I've gotta' go!" Blackie hollared after me "when Mother calls you don't hafta' go, but when Mother Nature calls you gotta' go!" I saw him playing ball a little while after that and then I got a last glimpse of him in the departing Hythe bus. I was talking with Janeen while we were walkin' across the grass. Bryce caught up with her and while we tactfully (?!) walked ahead he asked her to go to the showing in Sexsmith of "Tammy and the Bachelor" that night. When she caught up with us she sounded "overjoyed" about it. Hes just plumb crazy about her, that's easy to see. And in an altogeather different and better way than it was with Karen. That lucky, lucky, gal! I figure Bryce shore is a nice guy. But I'll never have him so theres no use in thinkin' about it. Henry and Verna and I talked the day over and decided it was pretty good exept for those ball games. May 23 Saterday, rained in the afternoon. Cleaned up the trailor. Listened to a few hits. May 25 Boring with a capital "B" Nothing to do. we gals fought with those stupid boys about balls in P.T. May 30 Saterday. Wore shorts worked around. Moved our bedroom furnature again. June 2 Wore a Frech twist to school Jan said it looked Paresian. June 6th Today was Ruby's wedding so we took off to town and got there somewhere around 12. I traipsed down to Woolworths to take my picture in that booth. Screw down the chair, pull the curtains put the quarter in the slot, smile and pose a little - well 4 times the little red light went on, 4 times that light flashed and it was all over. The two and a half minutes I had to wait for it to be developed seemed sorta' long, man. Then the pictures popped out. The top one wasn't so hot - made me look like a squaw because I had my head tilted too much. The others were okay more, a sorta sideways view, a chin-up view and a kind of tilted peek view. I thought they werent half bad. They were still wet from the developing gunk. We looked around some. Picked out which records I'd buy if I did (All of them) and then went window shopping. Mom was inside Macleods and as we went by she stopped us. we thought wede ask for some dough so I went in and showed her the pictures. Pop hadda' look too, of course. So - he laughed! That made me mad. So he cracked something about why hadn't I posed more natural and so I walked out with my back stiff and slammed the door. Later in the car I felt like bawling. Just upset. Pop had been that last straw. I felt let down and I was inclined to get weepy because I was thinking about how I wasn't pretty. Which indirectly (I must admit it) means the boys won't like me. But then I became very stern with myself and said grimly to myself "Its only sex any way" and then I dried up and just didn't care much. Queer. Another thing thats queer is me sometimes I think I am pretty sometimes I think I'm really not very pretty and sometimes I get all watery because I feel like a homely old toad Really it shouldn't matter much - it is only sex after all. At the reception one guy caught my eye. Not tall, very dark haired with big raving eyes. Ladies man. Squiring the juniorest Peters gal. Eye roved anyway. I had the extreme pleasure of knowing that he looked at me quite often. Naturally I wouldn't have known he was looking at me if I hadn't been looking at him too. Thats only logic. But wether he thought I was a freak or wether he thought I was kinda' cute or wether it was just because I'm a gal, I don't know. But I'm glad I'm a gal! Ceremony was verrry nice and pretty. Afterwards outside some guy waved at me. Don' know why. The groom was to bump-on-a-log-y to be very sadisfactory but the Bride was loverly. One bestman, with Esther D, was real facinatingly a male looker. Could sing. Hurriedly, Elli! P.S. Got a letter from Timmy after a long while of not. Thought Sybyl Parlee looked so facinatingly beautiful. Man! June 8 Am very busy planning for my slumber party. June 13th Sidewalk out in front House - P.J. party [in the small travel trailer parked on the yard out of sight of the house] Just finished the craziest stunt ever! Imagine, here it is 7:30 A.M. and we haven't slept a wink all night, not since 9:30 A.M. last morning. In two more hours it'll be 24 un slept in hours. Not bad at all Well, here I've been having my house party-project. Yesterday was pleasantly nuts too, but it was in the evening that "things" really started happening. Jan came, and we really greeted her with a whoop an' a hollar. Then - well we tried on each others bras and looked at our profiles in the mirror. Then we all scrambled around in our bed, talking, reading "Hep Cats". The gals had a fag! (I didn') and stuffing peanut butter fudge into our big fat lipsticky mugs. Not everybodies mouth was big and fat of course. Anyway, somebody got the bright idea of not going to sleep at all. So L and M kept sleepy J and me awake. We talked about queer things Sex, mind you. And interesting! Then, bang - Everybody hollared cause the front part of the hitch had slipped and we smashed about half a foot down on one end. Well there was a regular panic but after a while we got settled down again. Just about now, we noticed how light it was outside so we blew out the lamp and opened up the venitians. And then - And then - And then - Somebody got a real bright idea We'de been planning on a walk but half of us (Jan and Yours truly) were sleepy to the death. But - Lorraine all at once said "Hey, lets go up to the oilwell!" Well, suh, we nearly tripped over each other, in such a hurry to get outa' bed fast. So in no time flat we were dressed, hair combed, lipsticked - I sneaked around the house to peak through Mom and Dads curtains at the clock 4:20 A.M. Wow! So we started out, but soon found the grass was soaking. In less time than it takes to snap your fingers we were soakin' too. It seemed like a long ways, and the last part was torcher, because the water in our shoes just squished and our socks were drenched. Then the dust got in them too, and they really got black. Our jeans were soaked to the knees, too. When we got there finally we didn't look so glamourous at all, but I was wearing Jans dreamy shade of pink lipstick. Peachy orangy pink! Up by the oilwell, we were gingerly preparing to take off our socks and wring them out when a bunch of guys, about five, in helmits came out by the blue-house and just stared. Then they beconed. So we said, lets go, and went. Just as we were almost there, the guys scooted. We just looked around a little bit. Then Walter came out on that balconey thing and beconed. So we went right on up, bravely. The driller - Gerry, a blond guy, and Walter, were the only ones in there. they looked so surprized and amuzed. We sorta explained about how we couldn't sleep, so we had decided to make a new record by being the first one up there, and the earliest, boy. Gerry looked faintly brainwashed - dumbfounded. "I always knew girls did crazy things" he said "But I never thought of this! Are you all from the same family or were you having a pyjama party?" he asked, looking us over. "Two of you are sisters," he decided. "The one in the middle there and the one at the end." An' he was perfectly right! Later, he don' tol' us we looked like little lost sheep, and that without sleep, our eyes were like two cherries in a glass of buttermilk! Boy, good at similies, aye. Well he turned on that heater for us and we all sat around it. Taking off our shoes and socks and wringing them out, we hung 'em up to dry and wiped everything off with a rag he gave us. Then in came another guy, his face splattered - "You'd better wipe that off before you get burns," said Gerry. So the other guy picked up a rag and did. We nearly collapsed because he was wiping his splatters off so carefully and deliberately with the rag we'de used to wipe off our feet! So we sat and chatted with Gerry and each other for an hour or so. Terribly thrilly and just terrifically fun! After a wile this guy came up with a square flask of Pepsi. We were suspicious but later we found it was spiked half-and-half. Everybody (the guys that came in, I mean) took a swig with real enthusiasm. Gerry offered us some but we declined. Also they offered us a smoke. Not that either, altho' our trailor had been a smokestack the night before. I don't smoke, boy. They turned on their short wave radio. Got some gibberish which they said was Japan. Doubt it. Later, quite a bit later, our stations came on. We really had a delightful time. About 15 to 7, we started home, all glowing and bubbling still from the sense of adventure. We were enthusiastically, crazily, glad we had gone even tho we did get wet and wrecked our shoes. Boy! Again. Wally was cute, man ..! When we got home at 7:15 AM, nobody else was up so we just fell into bed, clothes and all and slept like a log for nearly 3 hours. In the afternoon, they put on their bathing suits and went for a walk up hill. Orville came, over the hill, then, to get the gals. So they left with him around 5 P.M., forgetting M and L's clothes. Leonard came for them later. Hes quite the guy now. An' good lookin'! I thought my partee was a slam bang sucess! Really worth it, I'll do it again when I get a chance. And how! Already makin' plans. With avengence! June 16 Listened to Nighthawk. June 21st Sunday - Well, it was on Friday I went to Jans place for a par tee along with Lorri and Chris, learned to jive, Foxtrot. Simple but I'm not very smooth yet. Just what is supposed to be wrong with moving your feet in time to the music? Gail and Sharron and Jan are terrif dancers. She had her record player on lots, even in the granery at nite. Took some daffy pix. One of me in panties, bra, crinoline, period. From behind, natch. I posed one of her in the middle of a pile of records. Typical. On Friday we explored all morning, then in the afternoon we put on an MGM production called "With a Dagger in my Heart" starring the lovely Meloday Jorgan (Lorri) as - Elaina, Gigi Lavonne (Jan) as Homer Plasterneck, the villan with a hinglish haccent. Marlys, as Stella Rose, was Diana, Elaine's younger sister, and Chris as Windy End, playing Grandmama Crappyass. Real crazy, man. Sir Winston and Homer Plasterneck were rivals for the fair Elainas favours and had many bitter words. We played it to the hilt! Later Homer falls for Diana, while he last scene finds Elaina dead in the grass (broken heart, because the hero was rumered to be dead.) the hero then kills himself while Homer makes off with Diana and the bloody sword after a goofy speech about Bacon and eggs. Ah, and there was another speech about Love or somethin', too. Awful corny. That nite the gang, Bryce, John, Orvill, Leonard, Mart, and Freddy of the boys, plus Helene, Lorri, Myrt, Blythe, Donna, Chris, Gerry and I as gals were all there. They smoke to much, tell too many dirty jokes, and Jan smooches altogeather too much! In public. That was a birthday kiss. It lasted and lasted man Pressure, and Hot man. Boy, I don't envy her in many ways now. Shes got her values all mixed up and she has no moral courage but just the same shes a sweetheart. Im awful glad I'm in good with her and I do wish I could do somethin' for her courage. Went home with Johnny, Bryce, Chris, Diana, and Talbert - kidded John
a very little.
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