| still at home volume 1 part 4 - 1959 january-march | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
January 2 1959 Looking back on yesterday, this last week, month, and the whole year ... And there is a lot to look back on - the watchnight, the Rose Parade, many new friends, new and exotic places, my enterence to a new world thru a mental gate on my 13th birthday, a new outlook on life in general, new prestige, new confidence, new complexes, new problems, new scars, new interests, new expeiriances with God, new laughter and new tears, and Gary .... So last year was a year of new experiances, but now in '59 I guess these are all has-beens, all past ... However, when I think of all the year ahead, I'm not sorry to see it go. I'm eager to start filling up the fresh pages in my Journal and in my life .... there is facination in anything new, and even more, a new year .. There are "old hurts remembered, in old scars" When I said I'd never forget Gary I must have had a premonation because I still very often lie awake and just think about him. I don't cry any more but there is anguish in remembering. I'd love to have loved him. I can still see his eyes the way they were that magic afternoon, and the way his body tauntened when he swung on the bars, and the way his face looked in the light of that street lamp long ago and never to be forgotten. But maybe .... the new year will bring somebody else. I don't think so, but maybe! I know there are some adventures in the future - the kids at B.C., and homecoming, and mostest of all - the hospital!! So "hip! Hip! Hurray"! for the new year - and "thank you so much" to the old. Jan 3rd .. There is one very unpleasant "asset" to the new year which is somehow always near and bristling ... I know I'll have to stand it because its "just one of those things" - Daddy! Now I was originally going to write quite a tirade on this subject. But I got disturbed so that I've had a long time to cool off, and just "amen't" mad any more - so I guess I'll just leave it at that, aye? Jan 5th Monday - In the Back [in the camper] while Driving Yesterday, a day of much sunshine, the Years first Eventure came into
being. The town was unbelievedly green and a steady stream of Sunday Specials
was going by. I was writing to Jan and just sitting on the lawn. A girl
walked across the street and stoped in front of me. Tall, very slim and
wirey, short blonde hair, long lashed blue eyes, snub nose, lovely complexion,
and the bubbliest personality. We walked down town, being waved, wistled,
and winked at. Those cars really slowed down for her! We discussed, boys,
boys, boys, and boys over pepsi in the café and then sauntered home
again. she taught me a Beeg lesson in friendliness, boy. Two new names - Harvey and Hitlar (Andy) Harvey is 17, dark, and O.K. He told me that he remembered me as a little girl who lived at Konrads. I didn't remember him - period. He took some of us kids (Helen, and me, plus) to the game after supper. While I was walkin home with Ruthie, that car went past, (Harv's) with the radio on full blast, and a friend beside him. He pulled up, stuck his head out, and hollared "are you walkin' home?" I was, so he left, But we told him to turn the radio way up. Now, Hitlar was a heart throb. The kind that appeals to your "boy sense" and still to the mother instinct. Gangster type, but pityful. Big black eyes with long, long, lashes, and kind of curly black hair. A D.P. in more ways than one but I could really flip, like a ton of heart throbs! Close to the end of the game, Janet and I walked out (6th time!) because we wanted to talk to him. He's terribly lonesome, just agonizingly alone. He puts on a big show when hes with the gang but when they're gone he paces the walks, forlorn. Id love to know him, wish he lived next door. Jan 23rd ..... Dearest-of-all-books; an Eventure! (notice the capitel letter!!) All my days are just a little eventful now, it seems. Today was my second day at M.E.I. [Mennonite Educational Institute], and now that I know the kids, its peachy. There are some sweet characters - Vic (ha, but oh those eyes facinate me! The kids noticed how I kept lookin' at them and thought I was getting ideas! About Vic?!) and Jeany, and all those other kids (and Ella!) I saw Ernie at noon and said "hi" to him. I know he knew who I was because last nite Janet said hi to him for me (not on my orders, but because she thought it would be a "good" idea) and anyway he said hi to me before I even saw him. It seems like he hasn't grown much since grade two, but man, is he a whiz at basketball! Oh, I remember those days ... I have to mentally blush when I think of some of the things we used to do! Then there was "Choir" which facinated me because it was very beautiful and in an exuberant way, loads of fun. But the climax of the day was those creeps in that beat up old car. they rode-walked me all the way to our drive-in. It was slushy, and they had driven past us a whole bunch of times on Janets and my way to Clearbrooke. I waved and grinned at them. Tubby stuck out her tongue at them. Janet just looked insulting. Anyway, Janet went home, and I started walking down North Clearbrooke when they came along and proceeded to go all the way home with me. I was dumb enough to forget to give them my 'phone number. Wish I had, sure would have been interesting ...!! Oh well, maybe they looked at the mailbox - keepin' my fingers crossed! I don't think so tho .... but I'll know better next time! Footnote: If this x-periance had happened before the last three enlightening months, I would have, I must confes to myself, been thrilled. But now, is it getting more "every day" stuff? ... How values do deteriorate and change with experience. I'll have to take it to heart and learn from that fact not to be to value minded about the wrong things, because when I have what I want, it just won't thrill one like the prospects do. January 24 ... A dream I had last nite stuck with me all day, I've thought about it all day ... It was very intense and so very real. I was being kissed, by a young man with such tender eyes. He bent over me and said oh so softly "okay, Janet ..." what ever that meant. Then he kissed me - and it was so beautiful that I've felt stangly awed all day. His lips were not exactly gentle-like, but seemed to express inner passion. I felt him so close against me and found a great exitement growing inside me. I felt his breath coming fast, and it seemed as if we were breathing togeather, exactly as one person. I still know how it felt, and the reality of it makes me wonder if by some chance it did happen? If I believed in recarnation would I know that in some life it had happened and somewhere a wonderful memory was reliving itself in my subconscious mind. ... Could it of happened? Will it ever happen? .... Feb 10th Shroeders Cabins I haven't written anything for a long time it seems. A few things have happened - nothing spectacular but I've just never gotten around to Old Faithful. Meaning you! On Saterday I sort of "launched into the business world" in miniature. I'm lookin for a heap of baby sitting jobs but there doesn't seem to be much here. So I buttoned up my coat and walked out into the wind. My "destination" was an Auto Court just a little ways away - I intended to see the manager about recomending me for baby sitting if any of their tenants wanted to go out sometime. I came to the door, where a big "office" sign hung, knocked on the door, and asked the little boy who let me in, if the manager was around. Mr. Manager was a little man, with small eyes and sandy eyebrows. One was cocked up and the other one hung down over his eyes making him look like something out of Dickens. I talked to him in what I hoped was a business-like way. He didn't know much about it so he called his wife. She was worse yet. Tall and skinny and terribly witch-like. There were big blue black bags under her eyes and circles to match all around them. Her cheeks were shallow and her teeth were only grey stubs placed at infrequent intervals in her open mouth. All in all, I could almost expect to see a broom stick in the corner. It all ended the way I expected it to end - In their promising to contact me if anything came up. The most surprising thing about all this "howevah", was myself - You see I wasn't scared one bit, and I got thru It all easily, I knew what to say, and I felt a lot more confident and poised. 6 months ago I wouldn't even have thought of it, but now, it almost seems routine! It feels pretty wonderful I know I have developed a lot socially because of this trip - traveling people are friendly people and I've met such a lot of friendly people, that its sort of worn off. I don't know wether my new confidence will be noticable when I get back home, but I hope so because I can feel it. Anyway, Hooray! Then, when I got back, there was George - he was dressed real sharp - blond, and Janet thinks hes a real looker! Anyway I met him head on and said "hi" to him. he said "hi" back and then, when he had gone about two steps past, he stoped abruptly and comment on what "a nice day" it was. I took this as a chance to talk and get aquainted, so I started jabbering like everything. Getting information mostly - A run down of this info. is - 19 coming 20 end of March, had once been a bush pilot - actually flew a plane, comes from a farm in Manitoba, close to N.D. and Minnisota border, works in a steel smelter in Van. and only comes home for weekends, is bored to death with Clearbrooke, and is of "Mennonitishe Apshtamunk." We were chattin outside for a while, then rambled off to our "houses". He almost walked into our house for the second time. When I got inside Daddy of course would have to ask stupid questions like "how did I always get aquainted with them so fast?" I didn't say anything. Bah! Saterday nite - date nite. Mom and Dad went visiting and I started reading "Wuthering Hieghts" - Emily Bronte. I like the style a lot better than "Jane Eyre", somehow. Its not quite so queerly worded, but is equily queer as far as hot blooded, passionate, insane, characters and fantastic, altho fasinating, plots, go. Then who should walk in but "my" George (knocked first of course. He was bored and wanted to see if we had some games. Left after a while. I feel as if Id like to cultivate his aquaintance! And then there was the last day at M.E.I. Which was very educational. Spent the whole first period - till noon, in 8A. First two subjects I sat with Ella who is a cute little bug. The boy across the aisle - a cute dark haired answer man in a brilliant red sweater - grinned at me and remarked that "it looked like he had a new neighbour." I liked him real well - because he was a friendly fish and because he got 96 in one of his tests. ..... Reminded me just a little of Ray. Saw Ernie a couple of times. Hes deffinately not dashing but is a cute little bug too. I saw the number "3903" scratched on Ellas desk and just remarked that that was our phone number. A voice thundered across the room (Ella's desk is rite at the back too. And there were about 49 other students too. "Ella and your friend! We do not object to having guests, but you just cannot talk thru the whole period." We were just "slightly" mad at the goop. You know, he has the most hideous dimple in his chin. I was in 8B for the whole afternoons home Ec. class. Was very interesting - to be sure! as David Copperfield or his looney pals would have said. I learned something else too - and its sort of disturbing. Theres one girl - not homely by any chance, with a quite nice figure and moderately nice clothes. They were deciding to have groups for Home Ec's cooking from then on and I was just thinking about this kid. She had been talkin' to me before class and I really liked her. I thought she had a high-potential personality. And I was just reflecting that If I were a boy, shed be one of the girls I'd most like to date. Then they started choosing groups. She was the only one left over and nobody wanted her. They weren't even tactful about it. Finally the teacher made her go with one of the groups and they sure did a considerable amount of grumbling. I could just see her face crumbling and her expression looked just so exactly like the way I've often felt, that I was awfully sorry for her. Janet leaned over and wispered to me. "Everybody hates her" "Why?" I asked. "Because she's so queer." "I didn't think so." "Well then you're a dope ..." I knew she didn't mean it so I wasn't worried but it gave me a pretty good idea of how M.E.I. would react to anyone who dared to be different, or stood up for someone who wasn't exactly up to their cock-eyed standards. Wonder how theyed react to me on a permanent basis. Might not be good altho it has been pretty favourable so far. Time would tell - with the boys too. I don't know very many of them now but I can keep my fingers crossed. By the way, I haven't taken a nose dive for George yet. Altho hes very elegable, he just isn't Garys type, and thats my type. But anyway Im looking forward to having a lot of fun with him, and I can't wait till next weekend when he comes home again. February 11th to be more exact:... ten minutes to nine o'clock P.M. the eleventh of February, in the year one thousand nine hundred and fifty-nine- the twentieth centurey and the air age! Am going to go over and make a 'phone call - but have to wait till after nine. How time does fly? Never! Its dragging like an old man ..! I walked down to Clearbrooke to "mail a letter" but the P.O. was closed and I didn't have a stamp, so mainly the walk was to watch the stars - Its a clear nippy nite but not too cold. "A waning moon, and a few small stars ..." I had one offer for a ride ... I saw the guy looking back at me after hed gone past me once - dangerous ... (har) but there was - luckily - no traffic. I never knew I could be a turner-of-heads but then strange things can happen. What puzzles me is - this wasn't the first time. It has, wonder of wonders, happened before! I guess its just because I'm a girl - female - the guys do seem to like girls no matter what they say when they're ten, and freckled. This "pick up and delivery service item" didn't seem to be so crude - Something in his voice (so charmingly and youthfully masculine) told me I'd like him if I knew him - The conversation was as follows beginning when he stopped on the other side of the road. "Say, do you know whats going on at the school?" (catch line) "No-o-o, I thought it was at the church." "... I saw all the cars there ..." "M-m-m-m I don't know ..." "Where are you going?" "home." "So early?" "No place else to go ..." and shrugged "Want a ride?" "No, thanks." "Sure?" "Sure." Then he said something else that sounded like "wait a minute" but I couldn't hear it because I had my collar up. Then he peeled off. Good-bye pick-up! You know, I can pretty well safely say that I could get free pick up and delivery service anytime I wanted to (after school of course) Its not hard at all. The only requirements are that you're a girl and not with your parents or boy friend (huh? Whats dem? goo ..!) I now have an appointment - its ten past nine! Wheeeee! Ten minutes later .... What a disapointment - but I suppose theres other days ......... There was a black jacketed Q.T. but not the rite one! I called Janet but she wasn't home yet and I called Ella 'n' there line was busy. boo-hoo ... He didn't seem to be very talkative ... All the worse ... I suppose he'll be there again tomorrow so ... but, "why leave till tomorrow what you can do today" or am I thinking of "haste makes waste?"... or perhaps "let sleeping dogs lie?" ....Beats me. what I'm trying to say, I mean. Tell me, and we'll both know. February 14th Mostly only FPAD service to report - I do something almost every nite so I suppose I'll kind of give a rundown for future reference - yesterday - phoned from garage, ran down to Ella's for a while and fooled around (that kid - she actually spyed at her boyfriend thru the basement windows!!!) then met up with Esther S. and had a snack at her house after Ella had to go home. No F.P.A.D. I was surprized. Then on - thursday - there was the show "Centerville Awakening" and I sat in the balcony. How thrilling, in fact, how very thrilling. Only one guy 'specially noticed me as far as I know - that I'm not even sure of. wednesday - went for a long walk down to the post office to mail a letter that didn't have a stamp ... Really, it was a lovely nite - just slightly nippy and clear the stars were really nice One FPAD - - to get back to today, I went to street meeting with Esther after running around for a while (with her) we practiced the songs at the church first - then with Esther, Margie, and me in the back seat of a car with 2 very intelligant guys whos conversation was 'way above our heads - and Shorties brother who sat thru the whole thing without sayin' a word - and him such a chatterbox - like a fish out of water. We were very sorry for him and wished he was in the back with us - it would have been great because we kept a running chatter that was really terribly unsofisticated. When I was walking home, there was one FPAD - and altho he wasn't much the chain of events was. A one eyed monster, came from head on direction and I spotted it as a FPAD service item because the guy looked so interested. I wasn't surprized when he turned around at IGA and slowed down beside me. He spoke softly with a Hungarian accent, so I really had to listen hard. "--- --- ---" "what?" "--- --- ---" "---------" "Would you like a ride?" "no." "Why not?" "because I don't like pickups." When I had him convinced that I did not want a ride and that I didn't care in the least whether he had nothing to do or not he went ahead a ways and then waited for a chance to get on to the road, another one pulled up across the road. I just kept walking ahead of him. Then - wonder of wonders - a cop unfolded and drawled "Are you having trouble?" So I told him that I wasn't really, and I didn't think that goop was very dangerous - he was satisfied I guess - Meanwhile my FPAD friend peeled off the other direction - but fast! February 15th .... Just a rundown - then the news. Went to church in the morning, (how interesting, etc.) Then after dinner, we went over to Elsie's. (shes got 2 elegable brothers - for prestige. very elegable) Played Monopoly - two games, I lost the first one and had about 5,000 in debts. The second game, I ended up with a pile of cool 500 dollar bills - twenty of them! (wow!) So Janet came down after a while (on an excuse) We had to go over to the garage (an unnecessary 'phone call) because we saw Murray (curly topped tall one, whom Janet says is a top diver) and another guy. Then, there was a new guy sitting in the chair. Black haired, curly topped, and black eyed, individual who was so polite - in fact, the whole clan is very gentlemanly and not very talkative. They always go into the next room when we make a call - I don't like the idea because I'd love to have a long, long, gab session with all of them. This particular one, we noticed walked kind of shufflingly and with a pretty bad limp. Jan figured that this would be Ron - Murrays brother who had been run over by a hit and run driver - who ought to be shot because he had deliberately not stopped when Ron flagged him down at a construction stop. Now Ron is left minus one of the most important things in a boys life - athletic ability. I even think it would be a lot worse for a boy than a girl because if a boy looses his strength he looses his self respect because he thinks he has lost his position among men. a man is supposed to be all powerful - the breadwinner, the protector of all females. Strength personified. So when a boy looses his ability its like a death. I feel intensely compassionate. I don't know if that is exactly the right thing - and I know that if I ever talk to him I'll not show it at all. he'd like it best that way - and a man likes anything that makes him feel good without belittling him .... But a handicapped person cannot be helped by someone else - well, helped yes, but not helped in the crucial part of his life when he decides for himself if he will become an embittered and intensely lonely individual or a happy, normal person with a place in the world. Of course, other peoples attitudes decide a little but the real crisis is a battle that has to be fought alone - deep in the heart. It can come out all right but for somepeople it doesn't - one ingreadiant for a sucessful decision is the help from and faith in the God who healed so many handicaped people and still can heal them - spiritually and mentally if not directly physically. I intend to get to know the guy, I'd love to be his girl. It does seem that a big factor in a womans love is sympathy and a feeling of being needed - and an understanding of the human heart. Janet is a character - she purposely left her gloves on the table by the telephone so she'd have an excuse to go back. She really figures things out, and campains carefully for the kill. ... I liked her attitude about Ron - she thought he was "terrific cute" and said she'd like to have him too - February 22nd Dear Journal, I did something today I've been looking forward to - we visited Ernie. Really, hes about the same as he ever was except hes a lot sharper. Hes always liked girls - in 3rd grade he had half a dozen loves, including me and Betty ... Hes got his hair real cute - it sort of a red-blond-brown and he has brown eyes - too ... He was dressed pretty sharp too. A real gentleman I expect - I was ushured into the little sort of playroom where Ernie was. It wasn't an uncomfortable conversation because hes a good enough talker ... So the evening went by and when we got started on the inevitable subject of boy-girl romance it was just getting comfortable and then --- in comes Melvin Shroeder!! Phooey! So the talk turned and we started throwin' bean bags around - fun even if not lady like. Real ice breaker. Later we went up to Ernies room with the radio - just him and Melvin and me and tryed to find somethin' good - big beat stuff I suppose. Then we started talkin' about boy-girl business again. It seems like Ernie can't get off it ... Then came the time when we left. it was much to soon really and I wish Melvin hadn't come!!! Say, I have an admirorer - candid one. And dig his name - Jacob Penner! Hes a German D.P. from Paraguay. He walked me along the road to Janets and back on Saterday. We chat informally all the time and that other big guy hardly ever says a word. But if I say anything to him or grin at him at all he looks just as pleased as punch. Jacob isn't exiting, or thrilling, or romantic, or a flirt, or cute, or even facinating. But I'd like him for a friend, I really would! Hes aperently willin' and he is an interesting character with a very interesting back ground. So ... I'll be a pal if I can. Saw Ron today, and Murray too, and, altho this is of very, very minor importance, I saw Edith too. I'm still a bit haunted by that incident with Murray the other nite, and if I can ever get Ron alone I'm going to ask him. I sure hope its not what it might be. I'm, frankly a little bit worried. So tonight was Ernie - and I'd like to have him for a nieghbour some time. I really would, like it was in our mud pie days. M-m-m-m , I wounder who his girlfriend is? ..... And I'd love to visit him again sometime - minus the great privaledge of having Shroeders along!!!!! Feb 28th In six days I will be fourteen. It seems to me as if fourteen is about the biggest step into the adult world. Fourteen, sixteen, eighteen, and twenty are the most facinating birthdays a girl can have. Thirteen seems to be only the introduction to the Big Years. But fourteen, somehow, seems decades older. Later I'll continue about that later - but now about my latest - Well, I went to that film at M.E.I. A sob story where the mother dies tragically just because her daughter ran away, of a broken heart - But thats not the main thing. I was sitting at the end of the bench with Dreen behind me and Redekop beside me so things were lively. Dreen is really nice I think and then Grace was sitting beside her so things were lively, what with Janet on the other side of Tubby and the seat across the aisle full of wise cracking boys. About the middle, a guy slid into the empty seat in front of me, followed by Vic Rahns brother. I had had my feet propped up on that seat and I wasn't going to move them for anybody. So I and they kept a poking up. then later I walked Elsie home for lack of anything better to do. apparently Mr. X followed me because when I was walking back to Clearbrooke Rd. I met him walking towards me but I didn't recognise him. "Hi" he said quietly. "Hi" I said, sort' surprised and then he crossed over the road and said unexpectedly "May I walk you home?" You can guess how I felt about that!! So I thought a while - and said "Okay." So we started off. I'm glad it was a long ways - all the better to keep him with ... Hes not to talkative type - in fact I don't know quite where to file him! Anyway he was tall (score 1) had curly black hair (score 2) couldn't see the color of his eyes because it was just to dark. Had long laigs (score 3) Quite good looking tho not the shnavest in a hep way .... I think he was sorta' seriously disposed (score 4) but not too shy because he did have the nerve to ask me - (score 5) So when we got to the drive way he turned in too - I was getting worried about what Pop would say .... We were under the trees - romantic evergreens and I gave him a casual hint about Mom being still awake. So we said our see-yous and I said thankyou for the escort and he said it had been nice to meet me ... etc. etc. etc. Then he held out his hand - It was cold from swinging in the breezy, nippy, cold ... Quite thrilling! I hope I can see him again pretty soon. Man, we're leaving here just to soon! I'm just really getting aqainted. Till now about the only guys I was on "hi" terms with were Jabob, Ernie, and T - oh what is his name?! Jacob drove past us on his bike and looked awfull curious, maybe even a bit peeved. Or was it my imagination. Boy, it feels good to be apreciated. Really, I don't have any trouble talking to boys ....Its pretty easy as far as that goes. Honest! If Mom and Dad saw anything, they didn't mention it. The minute I got in I started jabbering anyway, so that didn't give them any chance. A little history of the guy - His name is Martin Esau, lives in Aldergrove (west of here a little ways) grade 11 at M.E.I. that would make him sixteen or seventeen I guess. Not bad, not bad at all! hes lived here 'bout 10 years, has a "rod", lived in Manitoba before that, been in Winnipeg, Steinbach etc. And let me think - oh yes he goes to the church that'a'way. Oh one big Eventure before my fourteenth year, I suppose. Must see him again - Yes, there was another one - today - Sunday, was such a perfect spring day. I'd walked down to Ella's but she'd already gone so when I got home again I stood out by the lane a while and watched the Sunday afternoon traffic. A shiny red truck with lots of crome went past a couple of times and the driver looked interested. I expected him to go past again and so kept looking the way he had gone. All at once, he came from the other way, must have circled. I knew he'd stop. Intitution I suppose. He was cute - oh so very sweet looking. his eyes were beautiful, just dreamy. But the situation was hopeless. You just can't take a ride with a stranger no matter how nice, or sweet, or good looking he is. He couldn't quite understand that. He asked me a couple of times to take a ride - I'd dearly have loved to because the day is perfect for it and he was a perfect escort, I'd think. And he asked me for a date - when you come to think of it, this was the very first time anyones ever asked me ..... At least I don't have to say I've never been asked. But I do wish the circomstances would have been different so I could have said yes ............... and it happened before Friday too! I was asked before I was fourteen......It is a thrilling thought. Im sure he was a perfectly nice guy because he was cute, man, so sweet. And his eyes. If the Social code wasn't so strict it would be different. Now it would be suicide for my reputation. But I feel aff'ly lonely - just a blue sort of wistfullness. I doubt if I see him again. Man, I wish And I've wished all afternoon that Martin and his rod would come around ... I could go out with him .... But my stranger was more facinating and I don't suppose Martin will come anyway, ever. Bother!! Memoirs of a Sunday Afternoon - Here on a blanket, under a spruce and near the highway, I feel close to the world. Everyone goes by with their wheels singing. There are lovers that give me little pangs of loneliness, family cars, roaring rods with laughing young people, a few dreams on motorcycles, and lonely people like me all by themselves. There are roaring cars, long jet propelled rockets, homely little cars, foreign snobs, and souped up multy-colored, gay old cars with all the mufflers going snap, crackle, and pop! These of course are my favorites. And then there was a red truck, polished within an inch of its life I'm lonesome for that one .. Across the road Murry is doing the usual - his car is being polished until it just isn't posible to get it any shineyer. Right now it is up on the rack and hes painting the tires. Its just dawned on me that the way to a mans heart is not thru his stomach, but thru his car if hes a young man. This is sorta' interesting but true, I'll bet. The sky today is blue, blue, b-l-u-e! Even a lot bluer than I am! But there is a smell of moist earth and pine needles in the air. Spring is coming - even in young peoples hearts it seems from all those convertables with couples - oh so close inside. I could get envious easily. But I've got my teens ahead of me yet ... it'll happen to me, too! February 28th Purple ink is very expressive isn't it. In six days I will be fourteen but for six more days I will be 13. Thirteen is a year I'll never forget. It was the initiation into a new world completely. I found many things in my thirteenth year. I tried, in a limp way to discribe my discoveries in this lyric
March 3rd - There will prob'ly be more to report after tonite but right now there was one smll occurance ... Remember the guy with the red truck, on Sunday. I strolled to the post office to mail Jan's and Myrtle's letters and a couple of lessons. Coming back When i was coming toward the crosswalk I saw a truck that looked aufully familiar. So I double checked fast. Black fenders, red body, and all those chrome thing'o'm'bugs on top! He gunned and I waved. Really, I think he'd be terrific fun. So he turned around and waited untill I had gotten past the sidewalks. Then he pulled up behind me and asked if I was in a talking mood yet. I just shrugged. So he was going to talk me into a ride on Sunday. I said no. He said one o'clock. I said Id be buzy. He asked with what. I said a family reunion. He said he bet. I said there was, really, because we were going home pretty soon. He said where, to Alberta? I said home. So he said hed pick me up at one o'clock. I said I was going to be busy. He said one o'clock. I said I was busy. He said one o'clock. then he drove off with a musical toot from one of his top top of the cab horns and his "one o'clock" still floated back to me. Persistant sort of a character! ....... Later: This is very disappointing to say, but the evening just didn't measure up. Curly wasn't there - that was the supreme disappointment. And nobody walked me home - Lanky said hi to me but he lives a diffo direction from me so that was as far as that was. I sort of respect Lanky because even altho hes really homely, hes not girl crazy or such like stuff. He has an oh-so-masculine voice. Way down deep bass. But what impressed me most was his spirituality. The last part of the ending part was touching. After a missionary conference, they usually give some sort of a public-confession-of-I'll-go-where-you-want-me-to-go-feeling. Anyone who felt that, if God should call him to be a missionary, would go. The whole choir, practically, stood up and it was very moving. Then the call was given for the audience to stand too, if they felt that way. My heart started pounding. I have already dedicated myself to God, but sometimes I sure don't live up to it, I know. I felt like standing up but the pounding of my heart was like the roar of the sea and home hereditary force made me reluctant to promise something I wasns't sure I could keep. Theres another excuse I'm really ashamed of - what would Grace and Doreen thin? ... A coward is what I am, a real coward. But Lanky had some moral courage more than I did. I felt him unfold behind me, and there he stood, brave for Christ. I think a lot more of him for it, and I was going to tell him but somehow when I got a chance at Clearbrooke Corners I just didn't have the courage to, either. I really like him now, since that, and besides he is nice. He'll probably have to take a lot of stiff ribbing from his pals, because boys just are that way. Somehow, I think that Curly has the same kind of a spirit .... I just wish I could be more like them ... God help me. And I'm a rotten witness at home, I know I am, the problem is to do something about it. March 6th Now I am an adult. Well, almost - Most of my aunties were talking about how they remembered feeling so completely grown up. Somehow, I don't exactly. My Journal is now an institution, almost. I've gone thru' three books in the last time - since quarter-to-thirteen. Or about that time in my history .... The last couple of chapters were facinating for me but I'll wish on my beautiful shiny new silver dollar - I'll wish that this next volume will make me a personality with many more flawless facets - that sounded to stupidly stupid. But what I meant was that I wished for a few character overhauls. And: A beau or two that is my dream ideal, not only cute, but personality and character and all that jazz. Aw, you know! The day has been super-collosial-stupendous At least thats how it grabed me in case you read me. We went off to Van. this morning the highlights of which were - a deluxe hamburger with cheeze, lettuce, tomatoes, onion, and mustard on a bun - the hamburger part of it was so small its hard to notice and doesn't pay to remember anyway. Besides this I had a coke. Real expensive, and a Big Deal! On my insistant pestering, we drove down main until we passed the China town and then straight on until we landed on a pier jutting way out to sea in the oily green - yes truly green water. There were lots of boats around. A huge one called the Alaska Prince looked like a fishing liner. And there was the Sea Spray, a cute little one that looked like Fun! There were three green and white ones and some big, big ones. Way down below was a sort of tug with two guys in it. I was just skipping around exclaiming at everything and hanging 'way over the railing so I could look below. One of them looked my way, grinned, said somethin' to the guy with him. So I waved. "Hi baby!" one of em hollared, looking up. "What are you doing tonight?" And, the other one said: "Come on down, I'll catch you! Just say the word!" Well. "I can't!" I hollared back, because it was a real far drop down to the wharf below. "Oh come on. We'll show you the boat!" That was tempting but Gramps and the Mater and Pater were restless and itchy to be on the move. I was reluctant to go, as well you know, dear! Went back to uninteresting places and left that most fasinating of places behind with the shrieks of the sea gulls. Seagulls really do sound beautifully mournfull. It is a lovely sound ... Truly! Back at home I opened more presents. I'd already gotton that green skirt, a dollar, those white panties; and that turquoise necklace from Evy. Now I opened a package from Aunty Mary-Anne with two pairs of twister socks. Boy! Grandmas gift was the crown. First another pair of twisters, then a doily - which hints delicately at a hope chest, it seems. Yikes! After the card, came my very most valued gift. A beautiful green and gold leather book with gilded edges of the pages and in gold letters stamped on the cover, was "My Diary" Such a beautiful book! The clasp is lovely too - sort of oriental. Its for 5 years and has a big section for addresses. Loverly! The day has been wildly susseceful and even the clan celebration was all rite! I can write more about the wonders of bein' fourteen later because afterall I'll be fourteen for a whole year. Long time but it won't be too long. Now I want to start in on the treasured new book. Au Revoir - Alltho' spelled crazily it means something anyway. Outside, our motels model pussy is making sounds half way between those of a strangled rooster and the death shriek of a murdered baby. These I take to be love calls, as in spring even the thoughts of a young cat gentleman's fancy hints of love! March 6th 1959 [first 5-year diary entry] Dear Diary, On this day, my fourteenth birthday, you were received from a beloved grandmother. March 7th Nothing terribly exiting today. I just went over to Ella's place and chatted for a while. She thinks my walkin home with Lanky Friesen is a scream. Esther thinks Im good for him though she doesn't quite approve. I don't like this caste system in Clearbrook. You can't pick your own friends unless they're the top most brass. That, I couldn't stand for. I'm going to always, like just whoever I like and I don't care at all about caste. So there! After all haven't I got old faithful and Friesen for friends. And their nice too. I don't ever want to narrow my circle of friends to the top bracket and most popular kids. Often, even the least popular are pure gold. So why not. Old Faithful on his bike escorted me home and asked when I was leaving and when I was coming back. We're got our own private jokes too. I like him. Really! But what I really wanted to relate is what happened on the 5th. You know? there was that literary at M.E.I. with the "darkie" theme. There was oodles of grease paint, lipstick, and black junk for their hair floating around after wards one of the Negros caught up to me as I was walking homeward pretty late. (He had been goin' the other way but when he saw me he decided to turn around and then he timed himself so that he caught up to me just as I got to the other side of the road. Hes a guy I could talk to anytime - real free and easy. When we got to his corner he hesitated a moment and then kept on going. At the lane he decided he had to go home fast and took off. His sister is my Sunday School teacher and I like her. He said his mother was sick so Rose does all the housework. 8th I got sleepy so I quit last nite and when I woke up this morning the light was still on. Mom was horrified. I haven't got anything important to say tonite but miraculously I'm not sleepy any more even tho I have been all day. Today has been boring. The sermon this morning was about overestimating yourself or putting yourself on a higher pedestel than your neighbours. I thought that didn't much apply to me but just a little while later I found myself thinking rah-ther contemptuously of those little runny nosed Weins brats. Oh-oh, Elli. Watch yourself girl! Today was the day the red truck was going to call for me at one. Remember? Man, but hes good lookin'! (That was wishful thinking, I'm afraid.) hes a likeable, lovable (?) sort of a fish. Hope hes around once in a while. Paul and Shoots were walkin' home from school one afternoon, and they saw him scouting up and down Clearbrook Rd. Lookin' for someone? And speaking of Fish, there's a real vocabularyworth word. For instance - a "friendly fish" is a nice kid whos real likeable. A "cod" is a goop in a mild degree. Someone who bugs and irritates. A "herring" is a more severe case of a "cod." someone whos not standable. "flippers" are arms or legs. A public place like a school or hall or somethin' like that is an "aquarium" when its swarming with different kinds of fish. A "shark" is a wolf. A goody-goody is an "Angelfish" "Scales" are outdoor clothing. Whole "fish" sentence can be built up from the fish starting. Like: Well, I guess I'll splash on to my bowl because my flippers are getting' fridgid. Ive got a shortage of scales, but how about paddling over to my pool for a couple of bugs after the aquarium's been dried up?" This is talkin' fishy all right. So! Im dying to introduce it to La Glace! There could be variations too - like flower talk. "My petals (clothes) are getting dewy (wet in the rain) and I need a bit of pollen (powder) on my smeller so I'll fold up (go home) till the sun (clock) tickles me out of my sod (house) for a session in our meadow (school or public place) tomorrow." And bird talk "I guess I'll fly on to my nest now, cause my wings are getting stiff and my beak is below freezin' but how about a bit of birdseed at my cage tomorrow after the old crows are thru with our tree top time, Robin? (Any kind of a birds name can be used instead of a persons real name. This has got unlimited posibilities! Wonder if it'll catch? Anyway when I get back to L.G. Want to put some spirit into the grind. Noble resolutions, no? Yes. March 10th Clearbrook Some ... What I was going to say is - doodling. Right? Well sir, today we went to Port Coquitlam. The scenery was real interesting and I was feeling crazily chipper so the ride was a song. We looked up Goertzes and found Gloria all there and matching my mood. She had to deliver somethin' and so we walked down to her gigantic school. The corridors were long and empty and smelled faintly like a hospital. This school was so overloaded that it works on shifts. A few of the kids were drifting around and the whole place had a peculiar charm. There were rows upon rows of lockers and the place was so silent and empty but still sorta' intruging. Back at home, (their home, that is) we were just in time for supper. Which said supper was good. Afterwards we played Sorry. Bobby and I were last tho' I got home just a fraction before him. Okay! Then we played croconoe (spelled wrong) Gracy and Gloria obligingly fixed it so Bobby and I were on the same side (thrilling! Indeed) So halfway thru' we went to see some films (slides, rahther) It seems that Bobby had a car in the Western Canada Soap Box Derby. Wel-l-l-l! Bobby is dark haired with a wavy duck tail (of milder sorts) His eyes could have been cuter, but then It seems there was a slight mutual admiration. We won the croc. game but thats beside the point. I felt real good about one thing - I got three 20s! That made me a bit bigger in B.G.s eyes (as well as my own, kiddo!) Gloria has long hair and seems to be an attractive cross between Nancy and Jeany. (Tolitskies cute pal) Shes got a bouncing personality that vibrates all over the place. I like her! Really! My mood matched hers, so the effect, I thought was pretty good. I was, in a mild way, successful. I teezed her pop and got him so he didn't even mind doing the dishes when I roped him into an apron. He said at the "apshieds" that he was glad to have met me. So! And Bobby was overheard by Grace telling Rodger (best buddy) that I was - cute! I actually blushed when Gracy told me. Ma-a-a-n! Gloria was teezing us two, too. Like a trooper. When we were going to leave, The Whole Tribe (notice the capitals?) turned out to say "compt vieder". In English, of course. I waved at Bobby. He waved back. Ho-Hum. I for one am glad I went. I hope they were. Maybe - 'cause I was quite vivacious. A character triumph. My good years have only just started. March 12th I was expecting this to be quite a dull day but luckily I was just a little out. Not much. Just a little. Its funny how happenings can be made exiting or interesting at least by just a plain attitude. Like - That letter that I got from the corrispondence school branch, dept. of education (Oh, I left those capital letters off on purpose!) It wasn't meant to be amusing - - oh no! In fact, it was designed to make the little creature whom they know only as number 132-7-58, but who wrote such a horrifying letter to the "sacred" Corrispondence Branch; wiggle and crawl into a hole, like the worm she is. In fact, she actually dares to use slang expressions and leave the "gs" off her endings! Oh! And so the Branch decided to condecend enough to have the Section Supervisor, yet, write a letter to cut her down to size .... Hotti-totti! Well like I said, it was surely designed to make this humble caterpillar crawl on its belly. (what a lovely word) I laughed hard and long. Boy, I can't wait to compose my next letter to the Dept. of Education. Its going to be the stiffest thing ever - just like - its had a gallon of starch poured over it. - Now the fun begins -! May I never, never, never, live to see the day when I become as fridgid and with as little imagination as those dear, dear people. I can just see Mary Runnigan, the Section Supervisor (High Hat!) in my mind. A sour, dour, old spinster who was always the last one chosen, and in the matrimonial game, she was left over. She is tall and angular, but with big boned awkwardness. Very flat chested and always has been. Her face is mannish in some ways, with hollow, yellow pouches under her steel grey eyes. Her specticals are steel rimmed too, with a no-nonsense air about them. Her hair is grey - rather stiffly salt and pepper with bristly ends straggling seldom from the impeccable bun. Gleeps!! I think her name should be (definitely with capitals) "Higher Education". There was another event - I saw those slim jims in Mary Beths and fell in love with them completely. So I dashed in on a spur of the moment impulse and tried them on. I could go into raptures about them, really! So I've talked nothing but "jims" all evening, and finally Pop agreed to maybe, act as a loan company. But now, I'm going to start composing that letter to "Higher Education". What a gleeful expectation there is in being slightly malicious. My dictionary is going to be mighty handy. March 13 I got my dreamy slacks and when i modeled them, were there fireworks! We packed all over, and moved out of Shroeders today. tears tomorrow. March 14 Slept at Grandma's today (last nite) and this morning we left ... (sob) This is the last time I'll see Clearbrokke for a long long time. March 15 A day at Yarrow. March 16 Left Grandma Epp's with kisses. Traveled long. Got to Auntie's. She said - My isn't Ellie stout? She looks wholesome. ack. March 17th - Kelowna, B.C. In Kelowna today - Its lovely. There is a huge cliff overhanging the smooth golf course. This was very intruiging so we (Judy and I) set out to see things in the afternoon. First we cut across the smooth carpety turf. Then a little road running eagerly around the mountain escourted us to a hill, where, looking down, I could see a cemetary. So we dashed downhill and hopped over a fence. Reading the epitaphs and guessing about history was facinating. Some of them had huge tomb stones but some of them were beautiful. There were ancient marbel stones, but some were almost unreadable and the dates were 1827-1907 Things like that! After a long while of roaming, (it rained for a while but I couldn't'a' cared less!!) we noticed a marroon car sitting across the cemetary. There was only one head in it and from the looks of it - it was a young one. We finally saw somethin' queer. Rows and rows of plain concrete blocks with plain inscriptions - only in Chinese! We found a whole field of these Chinese graves. Some were in English to, and many had traditionally beautiful oriental brass plates. Some had fireworks in jars and then there were a few lovely artificial flowers and candles. Then I noticed that person in the car again. He was acting sorta' strange I thought. His lips were moving so that I thought perhaps he was talking to himself. This, I thought, was strange. Sitting in a car parked all by its self in a grave yard, talking to himself, strange movements ... Queer, I thought. What did it add up to? I figured it down to the fact that perhaps he had lost his parents, - his girl, someone he loved ..... I sat down to think 'bout things a little bit and mean while studied him. He lit a cigarette, but seemed restless. After a while he crawled out of the car and dashed thru' a crack in the board fence. When he had gone out of sight we dashed behind him and studied him thru the binoculars. He was standing all alone on a cliff over-hanging a far drop. We watched thru the glasses and he seemed to be hollaring to someone we couldn't see. Then he set off briskly across the grass. Judy and I then started up a steep tall mountain. We watched a long time. Okanagan lake was shining in the distance and all below were houses, orchards, fields, and a snaky river. Then down below, coming from a little house we saw two figures. A white jacketed one which was our boy, and another one. Thru the glasses I could see them quite clearly. Just as I was handing them back to Judy one of them lifted his hand in what looked like a wave. I couldn't be sure tho' because I didn't have the binoculars. All of a sudden, Judy and I got a real creepy feeling, so we beat it down the mountain. You know, that sort of a feeling is so weird. When we got down to the graveyard we strolled casually over to the car and produced a piece of chalk. One dark jacketed figure was walking over the grass at a distance. The other one was no where around. So I slowly and deliberately, on the back of the car, scrawled a big "Hi!" Then we really took off thru the maze of memorials. When we were nearly across it, he reached the car. We watched him for a while thru the glasses. Then the other guy caught up and they both piled into it. By now we were walkin' along the road. They roared that engine and raced down the other road. Then - they turned onto ours. We just moved over a little bit but had an impulse to get right over that fence fast. Howevah, they just slowed down and drove past. I really got a shock - they were the cutest guys ever, ever, ever! .... And they looked about 14 each - so young. Then they grinned all over and whooshed it over the hill. There are a few questions in my mind - why weren't they in school? What was the one guy doing in a cemetary all by himself? Where were he and his pal going? What was he waiting for so long? March 18 Left for Uncle George's this morning. Got to Westwold in the early afternoon. Read Zane Grey book from Auntie. March 19 Left quite early. Late tonight we were flagged down by a guy and hauled him all the way to Quesnel. March 20 Prince George and then late at nite we came to a sign that said Entering Min dist of Peace River. Made everything seem so final somehow. March 21st La Glace, Alta! In bed - late Everything today seems to have worked out in harmony. You see, today we arrived home and also, today was officially the first day of spring. See? Perfect. The country we came to was beginning to look so much like home territory, that it was kinda' uncomfortable. When we came to the signpost "La Glace 22 mi" I first began to notice that queer feelin' in my stomach. Funny! It was also fitting that Mom and Dad should meet first, their best friends. We did stop at N. Sieberts for lunch and while I was chatting with Alvina who should come along but Ray and his brother in their truck! It didn't dawn on me that it was him until he was already past so I didn't react quick enough. otherwise I sure would have leaned on the horn! I don't think it dawned on him until he was past either so it wasn't so bad. However, do you see how this fits perfectly into the pattern? And what was more, just when we were ready to leave again, what should go by but Postman's car! I didn't see Jan in it because I hadn't been looking when it went by. Still, it fits in. Ray and Janeen - And then home, I was just to busy to register much emotion but I just hope the next few months will be a dream! Next morning .... Still in Bed - I woke up this morning to see the clearest
bluest sky thru the bare branches outside the window. All at once I realized
that it seemed as if I had never been gone. How strange! Still there were
a few things scattered around that hadn't been there before - so I have
been away, and it seems as if its been wonderful. But now I hear my keeper
calling, ....
Still at home volume 2
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