| still at home volume 1 part 1 - 1958 january-october | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
1958 La Glace Alberta January - a good month for starting something like this ........ A book in which to record emotions and snatches of poetry that catch my fancys. A glimpse into my innermost shrine. Something to read over and probably laugh at in years not yet seen. I have been thinking on the subject of love lately. After thinking it out, it seems to me that I am afraid to love! That time with Gearald has taught me not to let love show, and never trust a boy! It is sort of sad tho' probably partly my fault too. I have gained something besides wisdom from the "Gearald episode." I was blue that day but Jan asked me to write a confessionary letter. I did too, and found her an understanding shoulder to lean on. We have much in common. One of these is moods. She understands perfectly! We think very much alike too. That first letter started a real trafic in mail! (via Karen) February .... A month of hearts and flowers. It seems fitting that I, even after knowing perfectly well that he could never love a "limpy," have fallen in love in February. I don't know how it happened but somehow he gets me! I usually underline that pronoun because he is so special. By "he," I mean Al. Loving him sometimes makes me want to cry and sometimes, because it seems so silly, I have to laugh at myself. To be in love with the most popular guy in Gr 7&8! And to wish somehow that he would love me! To others I say I have no hope but I know that in my heart there is a hope that every girl in love has. Small things that would be of small consequence otherwise, seem to be real, and I hope again. For instance, there are the times when I looked at him, only to see him looking back at me! Dinamite. Then there are the things hes said to me. Like in Science period when he said I looked like a movey star. I know its only flattery but to have him like me enough to flatter me!! If he really hated me like some boys pretend to, he wouldn't bother with flattery! Still, the thought keeps creeping back, maybe hes just trying to break my heart! Its such a confusing world! The first time I ever liked Science was when I was sitting with Janeen answering questions in my book. He came and sat down to talk to us. Was I thrilled! He spoiled things slightly by sitting down beside Janeen and putting his arm around her. Afterwards she said she felt like a heel, man-stealer, etc. I had to laugh at that, but I love her for thinking of it! Any way, he talked to me, of all people for a while! I felt awfully shy tho'. Today, I went to sit with Janeen again today, hoping hed come. He did too! We talked for a while then, knowingly or unknowingly he walked off with my pencil in his mouth! I wonder what hed feel if I kid-napped his pencil. Since he had it, I didn't even ask for it back, but went and got a new one! Another thing that exites my hopes is what Adrienne told me. She said Al had said "Gee! Elfredas got nice clothes!" Was I ever tickled! I don't mind walking home any more because I have many beautiful, imaginary talks with him. Its pure delight! It seems to me that he is always hovering near me and I never walk alone. "Wish I knew, If he knew, What I'm dreaming of!" Wounder what hed say if he knew. I must have fallen awfully hard because this is so different than any so-called "loves" before. I'm much moonier! And I just can't keep my eyes off him. I know I'm afully silly and what's worse, I just can't help it! "The only cloud in the life of a girl in love is the one shes walking on." Pretty true! Loving Al as made my life blossum and has filled my days with musing and my nights with dreaming. If "puppy love" is as deeply wonderful as this what will real love be like!? I wish, oh so much, that he'd love me the same way. that would be a crowning bliss. Oh, Love! His smile is so facinating his eyes are blue, His separate parts are not unknown but the way he asembles 'em's all his own! He has intruige and a mysterious happy-go-lucky charm. I think one of the reasons hes so intruiging is that he notices girls, flatters them, acts as if he really likes them, and hes gallant too. I think hes not like most boys - hes capable of deeper emotions. March ............ Something different every month. In Feb I fell in love and in March I fell out of it! Yes I've recovered. It wasn't at all painfull, just went and left no loneliness. Now I find I can talk to him and even tease him without feeling bashful! And that reminds me, I think I'll take up a study on how to flirt. I've partly worked out a stratagy. I must never fail to smile, complement, say hi! to, wave to, and just talk to boys. Also I must be found oftener in captivating (ha) poses and I must learn how to raise and lower my lashes demurely. (and blush) oh-oh-oh-!!!! It should be esier when I'm not so crazy over Al. I think I'll practice on him (sounds wicked doesn't it?!) The 6th 13 at last! Now I'm finally officially a member of that facinating society - teenage! I think I've been a sort of member for about a year, but now I'm really in! a regognized member! Its nice but a bit awsome. Next I'll be 20! oh, woe! I don't think I want to grow up. the reason is kind of silly. - When you'r a grownup your to close to being old! Silly! but true! Next thing I do I'll have to find a new love. I kind of miss the moon.
- I think that, in search of that "floating on pink clouds" I have had a relapse. Its not nearly as poignant as the first love tho', not so blissful or gladening. I think it may be that I am not really in love with him, but that I am in love with a memory of what it feels like to be in love. April showers bring May flowers. I guess I'll have my tears and small happinesses like in any other month, only it may be a little more changeable because April is a month of Spring and an awakening of feelings that were, figuratively, buried in the snow. I have already made one discovery. It is a He!! Today we were in the hall watching the show "So Dear to My Heart" It was a sadly beautiful movie and the name makes me think of Al whose memory is still dear to my heart. I think I could easily fall as deeply as before if I thought or knew that He loved me. I'm very sure that his love would be something young, fresh, and beautiful because he has a kindred (tho' he doesn't know it) spirit. But, to get back to the original subject. Between scenes, while Jan and I were talking idly I looked up and saw Leonard Torgerson standing silhoetted against the dark back ground. Light, filtering through a red curtain put rosy light in his leather jacket and outlined one side of his face with pink. The real miracle was his face. I had never really thought of him seriously, as a person, but the effect of light and shadow on his lean, square jawed face made me realize with a start that maybe there was something behind his every day exterior. I nudged Jan and she knew right away. Shes wonderful at understanding. I kept staring; facinated by the sudden, stupendous miracle. Maybe, at least, I may discover others too. its funny how just a chance happening can change your whole outlook on someone. A sense of mystery and deeper thinking I find goes a long way on my esteme of a boy. I wonder if they find it so. I have been told, and I have had the feeling that the two worst creeps in our room have a casual (I say casual because they couldn't be feeling anything more than casual) crush on me. I hope they don't think I'm like them. (ugh!) THE MOON AND I (A song by Me)
16th ...... I think the April showers have begun to make May flowers blossum altho' May isn't even here yet. I must be gradually working (or should I say dreaming) my way back into being in LOVE again! Something, deeply exilurating and very blissful happened today. It happened this way: I was sitting in my desk gazing facinatedly (as usually) at Al when he caught me at it. My usual impulse is to duck as fast as I can but this time it was different! I don't know yet how it happened but I found myself smiling at him and, wonder of wonders, he smiled back - a deep, yet slow and winsom smile. What a feeling. If that ever happens again I'll be a far "deader" duck than I was before! Oh, I love the guy despirately!!!! That smile left me dazed and blissful besides having my heart in my mouth (probably on my sleeve to) and not a little confused!!! I wonder what he'd do if I just leaned over and kissed him. I often have an almost irrasistable (S.W.) impulse to hug him. sometimes when he's so-o-o-o near, about 10" away, oh its almost impossible to "hold on". I love him so! ................. I've read over my last N-ter-E in My Journal and I'm thinking how funny it is that a mood can change this way, leaving no trace of the other. Im the bluest of blue - just because I see Al talking and laughing with Lorraine and Jan and I know that through a freak of chance, a tiny microscopic virus has ruined my chances to be "beloved" - The mood of yesterday is vanished. I'm recovering again! it happened last night, this way - I had to go to evening service last night. Their was a film "Red River of Life." Interesting. I sat on the second last bench. I was trying out the power of a smile, on boys!! At first it was 2 hicks behind me. I'd trail my hand along the bench theyed giggle - a boyish yet masculine laugh, and bump me with their knees. The theyed "Heh-hem" loudly and so I'd turn around and smile at them. one, a blond, blue eyed, crew-cutted, guy had a terrible time keeping his face straight. So comical! But that's not the real thing!!! A doll, black corderoy jacket (gold stripe) kept darting looks at me. I caught him at it and smiled. He grinned back and I must confess, I was rather facinated! It kept on that way for a while and I made a few eyes, for his benefit and blushed a little. It continued. At the end of the service I walked out quickly. He was still standing by the door (he had to stand before) and I think he was waiting for me!! I walked casually past, smiling, and waited above the steps. He came by slowly and I found he wasn't too much taller than I. He started down right beside me and he said something - two deeply masculine words, but I didn't catch it so I gave a meaningless smile. He went down and stood talking while he looked at me over the other guys sholdier. Daddy came. I went down and passed him again - maybe, the thought saddens me, for the last time. I was left with a memory and an exiluarating, bubbly, feeling. Thinking back, I realize that he must have been lonely - just as lonely as I was. I hope, hope, hope, that I may see him again, because he left such a wonderful feeling. To me he will always be the mysterious, romantic, dream. The most wonderful thing was, I believe, yes actually believe, that the feeling was mutual!! My "Mr.X" will always be a beautiful memory and I'll never forget the quick flick of his eyes and the aloof, (altho' I know he is not really aloof) half smile when he looked at me. I feel I could love him. May ..... My Mr.X still seems as close and beautifully intriguing as before but I don't think I'll ever see him again. He has begun to fade into only a romantic memory; (I still hold it very dear however.) But, I do so want a real love, a romance that is real and like a fragile rose petal on a carpet of green, fresh, shoots. I dreamed that somehow Lorn and I were to geather on a bed (nothing sexy) and he kept coming closer and closer. I wonder if it a sign for the future? Hardly because, although I like him a lot more than I did, I could never love him and I hardly think he'd ever feel seriously about me. I do think he likes me better than he did. I'm thankful for that. But oh, I do so want a real love - young, fresh, eager, breathless, as only a young, first, mutual love can be. June the first - Oh! What an experience! I must write it down quick so that I'll never forget it! It started this way. I decided to go to see Adrienne. Wearing a new dress, new shoes, new socks, and a new jacket with a new neckerchief in my hair; (P.S. my dress sets off my tan beautifully) I started off with a few misgivings but I don't think I was really scared. There was a light, bubbly, yet a little aprehensive feeling but I got there and really enjoyed it. When I turned in the lane I saw a fat man and an anonimous red face by the hedge. I thought it (the scarlet face) might belong to Al but it turned out to be Marv. Anyway, I stopped the tractor, and got off, swung up to the door and went in. Vera and Adrienne where at the door and invited me in, I sat down and since the conversation like it always is at first, was a bit vauge (S.W.) and a little despirate. You know how it is; I looked around the room. there were an awfull lot of pictures - old and faded and brown - of all their ancesters (S.W.) I think. There where a couple of pictures of them when they were younger. Al had a fat face and was wearing a cowboy shirt. Personally I think he's improved a lot. Marv looked simply terrible. Adrienne was all right and so was Vera. A man came in - fat and jolly. He was an uncle. He strolled over, picked up one of the guitars that was spred around. Oh! He did say "hello" and asked me if the canary had wistled at me yet. It seems he had been telling Al to teach the bird to wistle at the girls. To get back to wear I started from - He opened a book and after a few preliminary remarks started to sing. His voice was okay; deep and kind of nice. After a while Al came in again and started strummin' on another guitar. Oh dear! I keep forgeting things! before, right after I came in Mrs. said "Hello" and just a little while later Al came in and said "hi". It seems I'm always mentioning Al. Guess its because he always does and says "mentionable" things. to cont'. - he left soon. Then Vera picked up the guitar and started singing. The rest of us soon found ourselves singing too and when Al came in with (literally) a snap and shuffle his voice added something. He sings with a swing and he has a nice voice. Some songs were "Golden Rocket, Don't Do it John, Just Married, etc. It was nice. We were gathered around an old oil burner with the book on top of it. When we went to the kitchen there was an old man (grandpa Mac) who said something about a "young lady" (me) They (the men) were shaving and Al had to give it a try. It was comical, yet revealling. I think it gave a clue to his character. A boy, who is all boy, in a hurry to grow up. he did actually collect a few wiskers, tho'! I think, now that I do not have a crush him anymore, that he is a most interesting character. He is colorful just like his paintings. He can sing, jive, and somehow he has a charm of some kind. P.S. He's Hip, too!!! But I've been noticing faults - lots and lots of 'em. However, I think, now that I'm not predjudiced, that I understand him pretty well! It was plainly seen that he is ashamed of his family. Things that Ad has old me, like how his room is neat, how he brushes his teeth every morning and night, and things like that helped me to make the conclusion that he is trying and trying to break away from his familys slow and lazy ways. He will probably make something great. I know he would make a wonderful Christian because Christ would clean up his faults and leave only his many good traits. I think he should go to west point - hes got the phsqou, mind and ambition that it takes. To me he is a typical teenage, boy with something added. Hes not sexy - which rates a lot with me, and hes sure witty. I think that he puts on that deplorable swagger to prove to himself and others that he is confident. I guess hes not to be taken at fase value. I think too that he wanted very much to leave me with a pleasant impression because once he snapped at Marv, who was telling him something. "Don't wisper! Its not polite!" and too Adrienne he suggested that she find a better way of entertaining me. This was very unnecessary because I was enjoying myself and I said so. One other fault is sarcasm but then Im sarcastic too! he seemed to be exaspurated at the dumbness displayed when they didn't know what "white bucks" were. I think he is far ahead of the "babies" in our room - in mind, phyicque, and emotions. I think he really does love his family but he doesn't know it. he'll find out someday I think he'll make an all-magnificent man. In that house I felt the same easy goingness and friendliness as at Torgersons. It rates pretty high and is not found everywhere. There house is not too lovely, so I don't have to be ashamed of ours. Another nice thing. I left before I wanted to but it couldn't be avoided. I think Vera, Adr, Mrs., and Mava like me all right, while Marv and Mr are pretty well neutral, but Al - that's diffo. He sets higher standards so I really don't know. I really like this family When I left I started the tractor, got on and turned around in a small space. I think they were a bit surprized and maybe even impressed. I waved, they waved back, and I left with the feeling that would go again, soon. Footnote: Jan told me that Al sometimes irons his own shirts and that he sewed the pleats in the back of his blue shirt himself. Wow! Is that guy ambitious. He must be awfully eager to be popular. And oh - hes doing it. I wish I knew his secret. I'll take his character; I think, up for special study - since I can't keep from the subject of that facinating male. Oh-so-masculine!! Both Jan and I pretend to dislike him very much but I know diffo Jan and I had a real hag-fest yesterday - she was staying over night, you know. We figuratively disected Al into shreds after she read my journal - now she knows all my secrets. Just think how terrible it would be if she told someone! But I'm quite confident she won't. I wonder if she'll invite me over some time? If she lived here, she and Al would really be good friends. I guess I'll have to take advantage of my location! And I must be more friendly! I've got to win Dale and Jake over to my cause - they're my only real boy-enemies now. So .... I must get busy. [back of the book] Words that I go for - to be used in poetic sketches -
June ..... A New Book - and a new phase of life. I hope that in this book more glimpses of a maturer soul may be found. And - may there always be "silver lining" to the clouds and blues that are inevitable. May I strive to creat a soul, more satisfying, more beautiful, [crossed out: more pure] through a friend that shares all my secrits - this book. - a living record of the soul, the mind, and the deepest emotions of a teenager who lives by the instructions of her heart and her God
Headline!! The lately great (notice emphises on "lately") Al Morrisson has colapsed, utterly conquered, ground into the dust - from the hights of favor to the object of ridicule and pure scorn!! It gives me fiendish pleasure to report this all important fact. Also - I have, thro Lorraine, informed Adrienne that I do not, positively not like Al - this fact, of course, (at least I sure think so) was relayed to Al at the most convenient time - which was - as soon as possible. He prob'ly gloats over his small triumphs but soon oh-h then he shall dispare over his downfall. He may fall off his "high horse" then! Oh! I'm so gleeful!!! (Oh yes, I know its very wicked but ...) I don't always feel as fiendish as above - sometimes I pity him. Emagine - pity him?!!!!!! A few exerts from LM.Montgomery's "Emily Climbs " "I do not believe the woods are ever wholly Christian in the darkness. There is always a lurking life in them that dares not show itself to the sun but regains its own in the night."
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A person such as Emily "loves deeply, suffers terribly, has glorious moments to compensate, is eternal slave of beauty; belongs to the wild lawless strain that wishes to walk where there is no gidance but its own - the star of the gypsy, and the poet, and its genius, and the fool God might have made a more inspiring soul, but never did ...." I wish so much that my "Jinni" would grant me a soul like Emily's. *A "Jinni" is a Arabian spirit made of fire that has supernatural influences over mankind. I have discovered a poetic personality where I least expected to find it - it seems that a poetic soul does not savour only a poetic face, or a poetic body. For beneath the gleaming, fuzzless top and the round red face, and the bowwed legs there hides an unexpected kindred spirit - in Mr Postman [Janeen Postman's dad]. He has a dreamer's mouth and his eyes are expressive at times - laughter, pride, ...... Friday. The death of a friend. It seems only right that I should dedicate a new page to a tradjedy. It was only Saturday when I picked her up and took her with me. and it was on the way home that I looked into those elfin eyes and squeezed her a little then christened her "Choco". She was the sweetest, lovingest, kitten I ever knew and her eager purr will never be forgotten - it was a sweet language of love. and I think she did love me. It was I that cudled her and wispered confidential secrets, and tied on a foolish bow of cherry red for her Sunday finery. She slept beside me - came through the window and purred beside me ...Oh and I loved her. I realize it even more now but maybe I didn't love her enough .... Maybe I killed her. Sometimes I pushed her a bit roughly ... But Oh no, no .... !! She was so playful ... jumping around chasing her tail, patting my finger, oh so alive! But now she'll never play again. she wasn't the fat, stupid, lazy, type of cat - she was a fairy - her face was poinant: pointed chin, nose a wee bit turned up, and her eyes: slanted, pointed, and a weird color a sort of a tan-green with mysterious black pupils, eyes that where as loving as a dogs, only betrayed her true spirit with the slight leperchaun gleam. Her body was long and rather lean, but not skinny. She was midnight-shadow black and had only one white spot underneath to prove that she was not entirely a sorcerer. But the last time I've seen her I hadn't seen her for a while (2 or 3 days) so when I started out to look for her I thought she had run away - but no, she was to loyal. A little prayer - "Lord, please help me find her" I found her all right but even before I neared that shadow I knew the cruel truth. The sinister stench and something unknown, warned me and I became fearful. That dear body that used to flit so easily through shadows had now slipt through the valley of the shadow ... and could not return. If only death had been kinder ... but it left her grotesque ... stretched out stifly with pointed teeth protruding. But Ive one fancy for consolation - her elfin spirit could not stay long in the gloom of Hades and will return to me, perhaps in another kitten but I think not. There will never be another cat like her but she will return to me and I shall feel it. Tomorrow I shall bury her under the willows but now I wish I had someone to understand ... someone I loved ... Someone sweet and infinetely understanding. Someone who is a dream only ... but he will not come. And Choco is dead - DEAD, the word sounds so flat ... and hollow ....... And final ........ I buried Choco on a day that was alive, sun and wind. Her body was stiff, unyeilding from the last desperate struggle with death. I wrapped her in white lace and lined the box with green. Then tied a firolivous bow of filmy blue around the casket. The grave was already prepared under the sweeping boughs of 2 [goading ?] willows near the tom of another faithful friend - my dog. I covered her with sod and flowers .. and left her July 21 So many things have happened! First camp - I was exited on that Monday afternoon and not a little impatient. When I arrived at last I found there was only one bunk left in the teenage cabin. I took the gamble of sleeping with a stranger ... and oh! what a freak! Seventeen, rosy, bulgy face, tall and flat chested, and very uninteresting, and worst of all - she was always singing an off-key song or talking a blue streak, or snoring! Boy! I moved out of that bunk the minute I could. The kids were all nice exept "Jobson" and "Grooss". At first I was a bit shy and I didn't know anybody so I just kept quiet. But that night things really losened up. we didn't have a leader so an "old bag" came in for devotions and, to make us shut up. we had a bit of fun with her too. She blew the light out and lay down on the couch. Then things began to happen! Scratches were heard on the wall. "Whos sharpening her fingernails?" said she: Loud snores from one of the bunks - "Stop that fancy snoring!" was her comment. We all giggled. In a while I dropped off to sleep but not for long. When "the old bag" was gone we really dug in and had a ball! It started with a flying exchange of comments, then singing, and then we all congregated in a top bunk and talked, chattered, jabbered, yacked .... wow! The kids were really "the most" and I miss most of them. My bunk mate (after Jobson) was a small quiet kid who was evidently quite poor. She was OK but not very interesting and a bit too snoopy. Down below were Jobson and Ruth G. Roselind and Edna and Miriam were across. My opinion of Roselind has changed a lot. I now think shes cute - reall curly hair, and sort of an elfish face: lovely figure (falsies). Then to, there was Adele, and Charlene who I thought was a bit facinating - dark skin, big eyes, small slim figure - great ancles, graceful walk. Beverly S was cute too, I thought and had a real testimony for Christ just like Ruth W. Gladys Sharkie was fun but the most intruiging person in the whole cabin, was Bobbi Mailor short hair falling over her eyes, deep tan, white teeth, sparkling grin, elfin face with lovely eyes - green with an unseen leperchaun slant with thick lashes. She was unmistakingly boyish and really sweet when she wasn't teasing. I don't know why but I always love the boyish girls more than other friends - [page missing] his upper story. one day I said to him after cocoa very sweetly "Paul, will you wash my cup for me?" He looked faintly surprised then said "Sure." Another time I said "Hi, Paul" And he muttered a somewhat confused answering "Hi". Ruth told me he blushed furiously. I'm some flirt (?) Our Cabin Life was a lot of fun tho we did crazy things like stalking around in the nude with the door wide open as it would go. The floor regularly looked like "the wreck of the Hesperus" Esther could have been worse - she wasn't to bad - but did act as if we were babies at times and used the same old expressions too often. For devotions and classes she always assumed an ethereal tone. Bedtimes where always a riot of pincurls, orange peelings, flying pillows, half nude figures and giggles. Boy! Our time table:
For recreation we were divided into 4 teams: Kennys, Deweys, Warrens, and ?'s. When they were choosing I had an overwhelming fear of being chosen last ... - of striking out ... - so I ran for cover and didn't have to play. I am a coward - dreadfully afraid of being unpopular, unwanted! Help me God, not to be a social dope! .... I almost learned to swim - only 2 strokes but that's better'n'nothing. I am awfully self consious in a bathing suit - on dry land the ugly ness of my leg makes me quaver. Oh how I hate being ugly ......... One night after cocoa Bobbi and I were looking for fun so we went down to the lake shore: me in a borrowed tight skirt and low neck blouse. There where a lot of little guys there and Kenny and Dewey. I heard K say "I haven't got a date for tonight yet!" so I said "By the looks of things you aren't going to either!" I ran for a trail along the shore with K behind. Boy you should have seen me jump over things in a tight skirt! wow ..! When the girls and I were going to play a game of after supper scrub I was pitching when along comes - guess who! They watched for a while. I at least got some over the plate. Then Dewey squeaked at me "Hey, its snowing down south, ma'am!" Sure enough, my slip was showing but I grinned and tossed "so what?" at him. Boys make me nervous, specially cute ones ..... I wonder why! ....... Of thrills there were many - all types. One was the day we went to sing over CFGP. We broadcasted in the Sexsmith radio room. [Peace River Bible Institute] The afternoon was hot and sticky. I wore the low necked blouse and tight skirt. we piled into Gordons car (10 of us) and were really s-q-uashed. On the way to Sex we sang all our songs. We had a rehersal, then the real thing - not anything to make you nervous. Afterward Bobbi and I went for a coke in the Chink joint. We made ourselves comfortable (feet on bench and sipped slowly. Swimming was always a big "splash" Bobbi found out I couldn't swim so she gave me the works. Hauled me out on her back and swam under water with me sitting on her back like a "sea-" horse. I was a bit scared but not really. Anyway she took me under half a dozen times and then added insult to injury by practicing her first aid on me "sputter .... gasp .... ." There were those rare inspired moments too - either God or boys. Subjects so very different from each other but both so close to my heart. It was a hectic evening, after the doggy roast and a real tough-scolding from Mrs. Reid. A couple of boys walked across the yard and we all rushed out in our 'jamas (shortie!!!) I was feeling particulary lonesome that night, perhaps because Dewey left, anyway those boys increased and deepened the intensity of it. I slept by the window so I propped myself up against the suitcase and kept watch over the night. From along the shore, the sound of voices singing sweetly, drifted through the window. Suddenly a long low wistle sliced the dusk under my window. My heart flew out to the sound, but it never came again. I kept my watch, dreams floating out of the window until late. It was on the last day, camp was entirely swept and engulfed by a valiant sort of loneliness. I was left alone, and I wandered off to find memories in old sites. I perched on the "kissing rock", the lake was a sheet of chippy gold stretching out to the horizon. I was lonely, oh so lonely. My hearts most intense longings formed a prayer "God ....,oh, God ....send me a love ......." And so I made a treaty with God. Oct 3rd Im reading an "Emily" book. And as always it puts me into an intirely different world. I think it is because they make me want to grow, and to fly, always gaining, growing, expanding, finding always new hights. Just to stay in one spot and to drift, is to shallow, to fickle, I must grow! Some people can drift and stay on their own dull monotonous level. I couldn't. For them it is not a matter of much urgency, why, to drift is so comfortable, and much easier, They do not care, because they've never followed fairy voices, they've never dream misty-velvet dreams, and they've never chased a rainbow. They just don't know. Oh, it would spare so much heart-hurt, so many 3:AM hours, but I cannot, I CANNOT!! ....... "Emily" inspires me. she has such a fullness, deepness, originality of soul. I must follow but I am limited, so limited. She has fairy, sylvan, ansestry. And what have I? Dust and ashes!!!
Oct 11th ..... My head whirls slightly from seeing so many uniforms, and so many handsome faces, and so much else. The U.S.A. army base on Saskatoon Mountain [DEW Line station] invited the schools to a "Open house" today. I meant to go if I had to walk. And I did walk. It was windy and it was snowing some but I wasn't cold. After I got to the corner I expected a ride. A truck went banging and clattering down the hill. I thought it might be Daddy so I just kept on. It wasn't tho, much nicer it whooped past me then slithered to a stop. "Want a ride?" said someone under a red cap. "Sure!: And I crawled in between a blonde somewhat homely "cowboy" and somebody with the blackest curliest eyelashes. Real cute! It is somewhat of a thrill to sit beside a doll. Any way, that's my candid opinion. Lorraine, Myrtle and I waited at the school. After a while we climbed into the bus, Myrtle with me, and tried to make ourselves comfortable, wich ment taking off our coats, and shoes. The view up there was pretty good only there wasn't much to see. When we got right on top we were guided by a very muffled and insulated officer. First stop was the theater where we saw a film about their work. a new "personel" guided us then, while he was talking to Arney everybody was sort of quiet. I just, on impulse said, rather to loudly, "Dig those stripes!" Gleepsy!! However, he was sort of cute, so I didn't care. He had a little cooky-duster and smoked a minute cigar. Real Black hair, a cute little tilted hat, Blue uniform, 3 stripes, m-m-m Goggles, looked a bit like uncle John B. Toews. Anyway after that we went over to the radar house. We saw the screens and lots'n'lots of oh-so-awfully-cute guys! They asked for volenteers to write their names on the sort of board. He asked me specially if I wanted to, but I wasn't quite sure what to do. Anyway when Myrtle went I did too. I was handed a colored pencil by a nice looking darky. I wrote my name on backwards. I heard Mr Darky murmmur to himself "E-L-L-I-E." Oh those devastating males! I didn't see any women workers. I wonder if there are any? After that we went to the radar energy room or something. It was right under the Domes. Just some sort of whirlly engines. After that we packed ourselves onto the bus again but this time I was in the front with Edith. My "J.B.T." was in the front too. "Any questions?" he asked again. I looked up at him very sweetly and said in a honey-tone "What are your stripes for?" Somebody laughed somewhere. So he launched into a big long description of all the various ranks but first he asked me. "Do you know what a rank is?" "I think so, ..." I purred. So that really got him started. He looked down at me, at the rest, at me again. meanwhile I was looking up at him with what I hoped was a very rapt and "Oh-I-am-so-very-interested-in-you-and-your-stripes" look on my face. The mess hall was after this we filed in and got our grape drink and two cookies which looked and tasted man-baked. A bit like dog biscuits. Donna was with Al and Dot was with Dale. Oh I wish I had somebody to go with. Al was the perfect gentleman, he got Donnas food for her and then sat down beside her at a table he had reserved. I rather envy her. Not because of Al, but because he's very attentive, and hes a big wheel, and is rather smooth. There is rather a prestige about it. There were some cute little cooks all in white with round little hats on their heads. Isn't it funny how just sitting beside a boy, any body, gives you a sort of thrill, just because they are a boy?! I sat beside Orville T coming back. Not much of a guy but still ..... I wonder if any guy will ever sort of escort me around? I do so, hope so. Maybe tomorrow .......Always tomorrow but never today Anyway I'll always remember those darling accents and those charming cookie dusters, when I think of this day. Oct 12th. Als birthday! Boy what a day this would have been if it had occured about 8 months ago!!!!! Something that our Sunday School book listed as being "Worldly" struck me all the way down to my toes and its been going around, and 'round in my head all day. quote - "singing popular songs about cheap boy-girl love" unquote ... cheap boy-girl love .... cheap .... cheap .... cheap .... cheap .....Oh no!! No!!! Cheap! How could that wonderful experience be CHEAP/ Never. I believe that God created it. Noone else could creat anything so uplifting. And then they say that it is - CHEAP? Is God cheap? Oct 21st Jan was here, Goodn - ooopps. She read my "pomes" and (eeeeeks) my JOURNAL!!! Oh help! ..... I read her Diary. Honestly so good, so absolutely human and still a hint
of something different ........ Sweet kid. I ENVY HER. Wa-a-a-h! Its not
fair, why can't I be like her? Boo hoo hoo. Shes writing in her "Dear
Book" now and I can see her writing - oh so feminine - over my sholder.
I think I should hate her because shes got absolutely every thing I haven't
got, besides every thing I do have - much multiplyed NATCH. Scratch
Scratch - Mr Mann told mom I had much-to-be-awful writing. Definitely not
"femine" anyway!!!!!
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