up north 3 part 1 - 1979 october

work & days: a lifetime journal project

[alternative edited version] 2 october 1979 she sucks     it makes my womb cramp she goes to the cemetery with anna I clean the place she takes a long time and comes back wanting to blow I leave she says she wants something impossible     I'm not patient   driving out through traffic on the port mann bridge, a nose in the next line, flow on either side, the railing, I felt a fright not to faint     ?     said to myself it was fear     she said do you know where you are     that made me panic   lovely valleys   she was hard when I asked why she didn't want to remake the universe   brambleberries she wanted   campground because of the cop and my lights, she doesn't like the smell of thin garlic sausage    hard times misery as before 3 during early morning a kiss that stank and was like a worm coming into my mouth, I watched the revulsion     at night it was berserk rolling under the table crying, movements of hands not like mine     is it because I didn't love you after I saw the video     she gave me all the blankets, went away saw the bear     animals howling at night     they toasted her bread she gave me a red bill I gave it back trying by the long log saying I only wanted you to sorrow with me and you couldn't handle it either better enough to take the lillouet road     red ground sumac grey brown fawn sand pink yellow green gravel small aromatics     healing jack pine smell     she took apart bits     exploded over scavenger brought what she hadn't said in two years     car couldn't make hill slapped my hand off ignition walked the hill while I wept at the top I drove better angry she has a hatred she'll never give up, that I was ever 'with' them their kind she said she wanted me to dress like a pretty woman but will never do it for me     stop     the sky was in shudders white and intense blue     70 mile house has trees like joy, yellow salty lakes 4 morning     evening light's magic not there drove fast through most intense orange autumn fighting through so I say I never wanted to stop wearing the syrian dress and she that that is alright, how did we imagine different     about luke, how she wouldn't be there with family in summer   quesnel she gets burger on garlic bread good salad and won't give me any pie until I tell -   and then looking for hotels in prince george     the desk woman saying dancing girls     we change our minds about the room   fat waiter and the black girl playing pool, dancing shoulders     smile fixed on one person she lies on her belly moves her seat     we rush ezra through the lobby     [triangle] remote   reading brangone for tristan 5 a very hungry little baby   at breakfast we've both thought what kind of message I'm agreed     the stationer gives a brown paper bag     desk clerk writes dancer 'dark' on it will a difficult message - only if she is like me - and then, in what long time intense talk it's continuous easy road     'we came to a country like the stripe on the road' she says zeno and columns I say perspective feels like work, speaking the images of the columns was what built it   the arrow wd shrink & it wd get darker blue but if you went along with the arrow nothing would change she said columns of time, not a color or tint, but a possibility of color     left to right     moving with it vanishing point     infinite not regress I said, infinite is next door, is what it means all at the same place     the wide end thinking thinking: for the movie,     writing, space, currents   being happy makes me doubt     kath an ethnologist   late home     letters     car's poison     nest in grass     seeing and hearing 6 see     turn in the covers     sweating     she I can be alone if I want     a racket, is it the swans   cleaning the cupboard & kitchen mice, squashed dead squirrel, misfortune she intent ordering her room it's flattened, quieter, scented, so much of that color, blown down books     gobble the shakers and freely read parts aloud she says did I use to be like this storing plates outside, it's there     inside, it's future   7 sunday   woke during night saw bright moonlight morning, sun     from dreams cheryl can I save her from posession that's made her nordic with a smalll nose     - where's the one with the hook nose     blood orange transport truck on the edge of the cliff blocking my car     cross   hurry to bathe before they get home     oh dear there's a roast in the oven     I couldn't eat the canada goose rotted off its bones     he threw a shotgun pellet at me     and so?     a glove     he'd put on the music I like     she had on a black dress and looked fine, told stories of maria and cone picking, 'the squirrels come with cones almost as if they want to give us some'   rudy's india pictures and the unbearable ones from south america     he was walking on the yard in a yellow band uniform     creased bent maturity     a forest I'm dim with trouble quarrel   carrot and turnip mash whitehead: if you learn to see space, extension, in time, sequence, you can learn to see time, procession, extended, many chains, unified in one set of equations   edges of roads 8 clear waking while it was still white moon from much further southwest     cold turned in the blankets     quickly fire and bacon   rudy and he on the steps in the sun     he's helpful with pail, sacks, directions velvet dust road field with alfalfa clumps standing in the forest two creatures squatting scrabble in icy dirt     she's kind instructions     the corridors, layers, an earth of cone shells with cones to be gathered up fingers working separately intelligent the pleasure every time finding a vein, pocket of packed darker heavier cones under the soil     entrances     to the elbow and farther, their system     seeing and hands, listening to dwarf talk     the loud comical fluency, m speaks it more slowly liking to find the words in her memory     maria makes animal thoughts, we all express the part of it that belongs to our common work     I think about speaking for that a ruffed grouse cock in costume and a little hen running ahead     leaves shaking down at the edge where the wind and poplars are     chills and warmings     the back cramping thinly   eveing white strong almost gone light the wolf at the door because of grimm 9 waking before light again but can't get up have some time with the tantra book before we go to towns stay 'til the muffins are done     ezra runs into the car over my legs and stays there while I come and go on the path     driving, countryside isn't   at home aching, feeble head, sharp hurt in the back, pull out the sponge it lets through fluid but holds the red of the blood, some slimy tissue like meat   looking at the tantric coconut wanting to kneel and kiss it, realize that's the religious emotion   walden journals sense of his straining at how he wants to be     reticent friend     the village people don't respect him     when he sees something he likes and stretches it     saw him walking in the fields     a bush he loved     and stories of kitten     why did he die young   evening becomes long     ezra hears the motor     disappointment not liking how small and stupidly I've made 10 before dawn make fire and think to read   I argue that I'm not for sharing her trial and need to be alone   we drive through smoke looking closely, some red weeds in the green field, in the ditch foxtail as if lower smoke, close space, means it's opening a new sight constantly colors in better orders with a tinted white moving densing or looser around     more and less of the field showing     movie, another unfilmed   fred, the children come out to the dog looking at the girl in a housecoat wanting simultaneously to see around and behind   [Bernice] 'ellie and her friend, a duplex,' wink wink   baby in yellow sleeper   she makes a sawhorse, I turn earth 11 it's closer   [We strip a table for the Toftelands in exchange for the loan of a cookstove.]   waking but sleeping again     you'd been angry not reading     cooking bacon, conciliatory but not liking to be     we have to come back for things     table     soon finding rapid hands, tools turned to use, body over around at first it's moving in the large areas, when it comes to exactly cleaning off the small parts it becomes a pleasure I don't want to stop not like that for her     at toftelands prospering yard     large spread     their wedding boy somewhere     hours in the cracks of the table     she comes in my car, looks like a good car   the coleslaw got better, look at the g, is it mending from then     I said my computer was mending she praised my speed   the house from outside spruce one room lit door open red outside     a person moves through the door     the milky way continues down the sides of the poplars bright many stars     we go for water     she loves and throws the pail     speaking doesn't   - it was darker     light through west window onto the table supper cooking     a cabbage with a cut face     crushed tinfoil     objects in the dark     I lay on my back on the bench, to ease the spine, I thought     she moved from the side of the table to a position in the corner near my feet     a whine at the door     I felt myself in a forest of a certain kind     there was that strong but dim light in the room, coming from behind spruce, the dancing creatures at their tips, each danger's gesture making it a person, saw that afterwards when I looked     around the scratch on the door an atmosphere some time in a different country, the back forest, one of the forests someone knew, I went to the door and let in the wolf with brilliant eyes 'take ezra into the other room' as I stand before opening the door wider no, if the wolf wants the sheepy dog, if I give her to the wolf will I be the wolf's friend is it the wolf in her if I give the sheep in me to the wolf in me no, not that kind of thought   does the forest make this kind of imagination she sits beside me to say, how does that patch of wall look to you? *the wall's luminous, I take care, thinking it will swarm with lights if I give it time I say it isn't there that I was feeling it   last night's dreams were more interesting, from on a train I looked at expanse of snow, at night snowball in the face of a white owl that doesn't stop two indian people I room with, we offend each other, I for some photographs he scribbled on     when I hit him it was her and I said I'm very sorry from the porch     tall poplars in moon day     slightness of the sound of few leaves     scent     yellow on the ground, not yellow, the color of poplar leaves     pale light sky     I can hear     the lights that aren't public, privacy of lights that don't photograph     look, turn and go into the kitchen     cold, privacy of cold times 12 zoe said she was away on a two-day trip did she lead me onto the street to have me run over, on the way to a ----- store   she says my face is grumpy as if, and I laugh fred's house     that face with teeth dissolved by wine     slippery slip     chainsaw fuel the little girl alberta     a pretty one puts on high heels to walk to the post office     we sit in the back     not long before the chain slips     'ladies'   the other side of the economy beets and is it fifty chickens? while she gets a jug of double jack     I make coffee fred on the stump looking around one piece of burnt toast     slip hopes we'll be there for the campfire     how we can't listen to his urgent confused stories   not wanting to stay in the house   outside bedroom to read     the yellow smoke in parallel blooming channels like clouds but they are dark blue     across the field to get closer, black char the fire's been only on the surface soon cool 20 a chance to be haughty find the red cap walk eight? miles she says I wasn't limping 22 see the batteries have spilt - how to keep batteries warm     borrow ice chest, strong water bottle, quilt cover     stones? body 'I want to learn a necessity'   she dreams she'll go to india sees a street herself photographing a small red thing made on the way   emotional experience of past lives - taste the traces in sequence, 'puts mind into a special state in which it transcends its own emotive contents and becomes conscious intellectually and emotionally of itself' has to commit herself to acts that destroy social prestige*a scandalous outcaste mobile tissue simple, even casual offerings 'my indian companion' movie of an indian man and woman, she's in a trouble, beautiful and very tall (six and a half feet) but with a moustache, a friend's with them, she takes off her cover and says shyly how do I seem to you in a field, at night, I've strayed, imagined being lost, insist she lie down with me when the car lights come, we mustn't be seen, two horses gallop toward us, I throw some small thing at the first one to tell him I'm there, his gallop breaks, legs fly out centrifugally from a (car) I see into a car with women, in the further side before the car, movies, rosie     big soft mouth     her face made to hold me     at the women's center in a list, go through play centre fantasy one floor then another, top floor where they've had luke, small children under the bed?     is he lost?     out the window, down below in the green grass, at a distance ezra sits we made the journey to (new york), left our things there, now come back, I'll need my passport to get out, did I bring it, among the things, clothes, even in the bus? I'm still remembering and picking up clothes when she was looking through my things she found a postcard she liked, wanted to ask to buy it     a dali, man with his arm around a harp they in the kinderstube, a blond woman, they're as tall as doors because so much is wrong from the inner window 23 morning in bed and breakfasting     after you leave until three, reading dineson, changing house 3-7, darkness     weeding strawberries [at Tone Tofteland's] 7-9:30 eating drinking writing bake   [floorplan sketch]   - came back to nest in the grass, full moon, above our heads the heads and leaves of grass scratching     ezra sleeping at my feet or beside you     after the no-moon you sit in your car and it moves up the drive     you stop to whistle     I step forward, ezra comes from behind me     you step out to touch her head     two frost mornings when grass and twigs are singled     mornings you come from your room, in the last time you got up, there were days I was awake early, looking at your shriveled face not ready to look at it     tight head and spectacles, scarf and sweater offending me, is it because I don't love her she looks miserable, when she gets up to cold air does her skin fall unhappily     staring without knowing what you are, the outside of your head     far from when even your voice isn't there, the thought goes back and forth as if I'm alone in surprised liveliness it happened we'd not notice that in the pain of half speaking ourselves we'd become more accurate and joined understanding     I was lying behind you holding your shoulder in my palm body, when it's noticed, I don't think I want you but I'm seeing it     hazel's today walking away bloated hanging, is it hard to feel her with the spade looking after you     at the first moment behind the voice eyes are saying she's puffed out in the face newborn but like a two year old, red cheeks and black hair, she's in a big hospital bed, my just born baby, I'm walking the ward, proud of how bright she is speaking what she hears above the beds on stainless steel racks - what you come upstairs looking young, only one thing you want, I want it too, if you could, but we know your approaching touches won't be the way of making you welcome, you're angry 'I was drinking to make sure I wouldn't come upstairs' because it's warm, weed strawberries, it's slow, sorting the plant and its cables and young, from the weed that looks like strawberry leaf, dandelion grown large and small tightly among the plant to be guarded, clearing each plant and its sloped tributaries     work that lets information arrive     will reiner want to visit     they, t, c, r     should I think about this work, how is it doing itself, there's a stop to look, where to put the blade to separate the kinds, is there more to learn, some wise man, would invent an information about strawberries, what am I missing when hazel came out, realizing how scarcely I'm there, getting dark, fine clear west, ezra lying on the plants, I can barely reply to her, why am I there, does tone command it, is it grieving, a season ritual necessary to some homeostasis I don't know, I say I'm willing, plants, but are they better cleared that way or is it ignorance of an agreement they had with the weeds     I want weeding     luke, there's been no privacy to feel how it was with him, your enemy crowded me     daughter mariamne she remarks about the stinkweed     I call, aphoristically, from their language, 'I think that's a crop for the cultivator'     success, but I stand wondering who it came from it's so dry     that's usually bad for winterkilling tone came out in the dark with a strange head scarf wound high in the front, someone could be warmer and see a soul arriving in the row, I see a body and then a gardener   24 dream I hold is of being given fare to fly to ottawa, speak to someone who wants me to make a film of dancers, I realize it's right, what I always want is to film dancing a wall, beyond it cemetery park   morning house dineson, go for milk, see swans 1-3:30 la glace credit union shop, mary's, school for fairy tales, gas, valhalla centre corridor     dream of being a magic person in schools, teaching vision, and their favorite     (costume)   4-6 study fairy tales, write -7 go round the lake listen to swans     on the east side tread on mint, see a sweep of cloud above spruce, turned around below the ice-water seems to stand up vertically in front of darker     a rose dust dusk goes up to blue, cold 7-10:30 fairy tales, house   - 24th roy's mechanism: the new magic learned without revising what was there before exactness and very approximateness - blixen free run conjuring intending to make his way home by Voi, to see if there were any elephants   they say a history in which an expanse like a procession, one finds itself looking out through certain eyes, back and forward, the only one who happens to be oneself, there are other locations, only this one is open*can make an intoxicant of it like dineson this book was in my small hands when I was a woman sitting on a white bear; the bear's shadow handwriting like a teacher's     Baldur SD when I was that age it said my parents' time east o' the sun and west o' the moon remember the title what kind of book tales kneeling beside the shelves, yellow wood was my desk that year next to them It was a Thursday evening late in the fall of the year. The weather was wild and rough outside, and it was cruelly dark. The rain fell and the wind blew till the walls of the cottage shook. There they all sat around the fire busy with this thing and that. Just then, all at once, something gave three taps at the window pane. Then the father went out to see what was the matter, and, when he got out of doors, what should he see but a great white Bear. So she rode a long way, till they came to a great steep hill. There on the face of it the White Bear gave a knock, and a door opened, and they came into a castle, where there were many rooms all lit up, gleaming with silver and gold, and there too was a table ready laid. For one thing she wished to know: who it was who came in the night and slept in her room. She wondered and longed to know, and she fretted and pined away. Then she saw that he was the loveliest Prince one ever set eyes on, and she bent over and kissed him. East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon, the o's to make pictures     hold it facing south, it's morning of a moon in last quarter specifies south on an evening of full moon that was where I was the afternoon at the dugout Both Prince and castle were gone, and she lay on the little green patch in the midst of the gloomy wood, and by her side lay the same bundle of rags she had brought with her from home. Then she wept and wept till she was tired, and all the while she thought of the lovely Prince and how she should find him. So at last she set out on her way and walked many days, and whomever she met she asked. the East wind had never blown so far for it was she who ought to marry the Prince who lived there wild and cross blew an aspen leaf there high on the back of the North wind when the moon stands high At that moment the sun rose and the whole pack of trolls turned to stone The prince took the lassie by the hand and they flitted away as far as the could from east o' doing a kindness to the unconsidered, you get instructions they mention times of year, day, direction 'tasting the snake' the king's daughter is   I'm at the time of the sacks of millet She went down into the garden and strewed ten sacks full of millet on the grass with her own hand the ring from the bottom of the sea the apple from the tree of life   whatever meets you first on your return home she speaks to sun moon wind Only now am I released. I have been as if in a dream, for the strange princess had thrown a spell round me, so that I had altogether forgotten you   in the corridor of la glace school a fine-looking blond boy had been choking, people were standing around him     doris fast and I looking at one another, she had a sensitive look, her caution made me wonder if she was different than I thought     clean long high-ceilinged rooms   she's alone in the room at recess hello     what are you reading curious, she shows the cover and how is it     page after page, story and then another story, pictures making themselves if I read with you will I know more than you the white bear's gentle expression looking around the door to where the girl sits with firelight on her     he's speaking to the father but his eyes are making him the daughter     she sees his dignity and manliness he waited for her outside the door, it was less windy than the earlier thursday, she had her little bundle, held it with with one hand, and the fur of his neck-ridge with the other. she pulled herself onto his back, he looked around at her, his neck straightened, he walked quickly forward, she held on and swayed, he left the forest she knew, paths her father disappeared by, she looked around her, the bear's body warm between her knees, her arms cold in the shawl. sunset orange between the trees, darkening. and then they came to the steep hill the white bear told her, in its resonant voice, get down now     and then he knocked, and the ground opened, and he entrance shining with light opened to them, they walked in side by side     was there anyone? when she had put out the light and gone to bed, some one came into the room and lay down in the other bed     she lay stiffened listening to the other breath, as it seemed to listen to hers     gradually both breaths lengthen, she isn't afraid and sleeps curiosity that spoiled, and then the long brave journey in winds that repaired and brought her the prince differently the way immigrants aren't right for the place accept the exercise, make songs to find out touch exactness to an element: fragment exactly as it is and what to follow an almost black and an almost white fairy tales 25 morning     the last of the mackerel leave for deep water   -2 intoxicated dreaming films of image and imagination, small beauties hythe some rain laundry ms for a phrase in a fairytale, photographic annual   5-10 reading the mags, firewood, food when wood and water are ready, go through misty color downfield to where I can hear them quieter than yesterday, soft track     ezra catches up is sent back, the length of the field and the house's isle, a short walk and a great distance, moon's through, grass shines yellow the sound come out of the dark grey first unlocated then above in front many beats, scrapes, whistles, I see them, in the moment I'm looking to see how many there are, the crooked line enlarging and overpassing     strong line     the second time I thought, it would be possible to read the formation from the sound, hunger to resolve and know     art are you nature 26 10:30-2 morning cook, try time space and knowledge, not able bachelard, can read some of miniature but not intro, wondering why, simpler minded? less in memory of image thrills eat many muffins woke to weak and then full light panels on white walls go to test camera at the water's edge, fewer swans, cold without jacket, try again in the house set it on tripod for the eyepiece, willows, and shoot it because of the lit trunks black lines pale blue and faint white, watching the wind move it     that makes it certain, can go   3:30 to valhalla centre for mail and to school and miss veltenhuis and at home, study spiritual midwifery     potatoes and cheese, flatbread     starting with questions about whether there's a work in art, that could be vowed, something to learn     the odd mistyping     warning fire when I thought of direct consciousness moving   4-12 walked to road   -   going to the school - into the corridors - found the projectors - stepping as quietly as afraid - on the steps, that doesn't say the wind and sun, reflections as the door opens, of plaid jacket and cap - the children come out and I'm shy in flood, I mean feeling the shyness and trying to stand in it, seeing the faces looking at me, delight, in full focus of curiosity, smiling from the perilous impact, will they like me, will they think I'm odd     whose car is that - fred's children I can see are proud to know me - it's ellie's - it's her - a pelting - how was the space - failing, recovering, afraid, delighted, that is, liking them, liked - they're running to the buses - two grown women in this, one's blond dressed blond, she reads women's magazines, the other's standing with her back to me, plaid coat and plaid pants, she doesn't look at her clothes     when she comes up the stairs, looks, I find myself smiling and then she does, and when she's turning quickly from seeing the last of her responsibility, is the moment to come forward, it's still slow, then I speak, and I'm wrong but was right - miss - such a woman isn't married to a gilkyson, veltenhuis, a name I know, strong dutch woman, says come in but not sit down, and then I'm hung up to state my business, curious, liking her, applied to her face, learning her, she hesitates from the way I ask, is it a good one     keeps making me feel impertinent, telling her in my original way, what I can do for her, 'I guess those are my territories', and I'm going faster wanting to know about her, ask her how old she is, she doesn't want to say, I put it so she has to and then find her in bible camp and she's still that sort of christian - the vulnerability I feel in her reticences - is it sex - she boldly reaches for a letter and an envelope, dismissing me, when she looks up I'm surprised at the degree of smile she has to face, I'm nearly laughing, go on with my rapid questions on top of the delight of collision, and then speak in the vernacular, it's the end of your week, I'll let you go     and she says, relieved, yes I am in a hurry today     and I drive away listening to fantasies of seduction, opening, prudently not seducing, her car parked on the yard, the principal's having tea, I'm mischievously offering wine 27 wondering about that generation and us slip said he'd come, read fast through bid me to live, she described disorientation and how cornwall saved her, end of the book opens and simplifies speaking to lawrence then as duty through rest of spiritual midwifery came out lethargic     a warm day water and wood take me out   - 6? drive, car starts easily, for milk needing tea, slaw, better, look in movie notes, think of just filming and not knowing the shape, small things     a boat that has set out and knows it will sink     like the thought coming or found, especially interline of some shaking the pumpkin poems as for you, at practical alert to know how next   -10 outside, look at stars from sitting in the field     some scintillate     red     green     powerful too-strong yardlight [sketch of waxing half moon] from centre to southwest   there were more swans and the water's reopened thought to learn the areas, hour by hour took 0-1 wanting the large [diagram of constellation] in the northeast - past the lighter end of cassiopia     wrong, to learn planetary coordinates, is there another system     want to take the hours off the m.w. [?] inspired about pantry and then saw the red bed in the kitchen - 10:30 28 9-10:30 thought to go out every morning for one day's wood while the kitchen warms   at epps for an hour     tub leaked crackle into basement, not comfortable leaving it but small rebellion, took home cs lewis   11:30- he found his job without trouble, a learned bachelor, with a sick wife for 3 years, hearty, longed for his sitting room in a stone hall, a smaller sitting room and bedroom looked across to the cloisters and tower of the college given to the enjoyment of his friends, who loved laughter and argument   I became aware that I was holding something at bay, or shutting something out. I felt myself being given a free choice. I could open the door or keep it shut. I was moved by no desires or fears. I chose to open.   afternoon cut hammered pantry bench removed all the cooking things, moved in red bed quart of custard greasy from pot pliny in bed worn out at 9 woke at night cold 29 splitting wood. frost pictures fine   pink from doors trying kitchen for sleep, mornings dark, kitchen's like a cottage, the head nurse's face   worked with what was in lewis, the grab in morning already felt like going to m they're eating with the radio on he's high, nervous, listening to the stock market, story of crash 50 years ago, they threw themselves out of windows, it's like competitive sport, turns it up so we can't talk, he was alone for a few days, wished to tell me the windrow fire, a mile long and too dry     'that kept me going' having to give his father the $5 he found on the road, his father owed it on an old horse, and the $1.50 he earned running and jumping though he nearly wrecked his ankles the complaint made me pull away and then I wondered whether I could feel it differently reluctant to listen because the way he tells it is abuse of presence, overriding   a coming crash excites him   her mouth when she told miss veltenhuis's mother's death was like her mother's upper lip arches up   aft - light - film of wall, stove heat   outside threw curved sheets of white for sun to reflect, bushes swans on water that went brown singing sighing 30 woke before full sunrise, then strong pink rim and 4 tomatoes, ezra goes to my feet when I won't speak from head out to get branches in early and frosty, it's better than breakfast, four tree lengths sawn, my reflection works alongside, I liked her cold at first then smoky and too hot, sunlight on the table, read bragg til afternoon fast made ovaltine, cranberry, current, carrot and cabbage with mayonnaise, fluff mayonnaise by itself off a fork, more ovaltine get to soap film in bragg can't do any more, go to sleep, hot stinging eyes, soon too cold wake in that subtle panic about jam (being here?) then can't find what it says, wake up cool bright fire's out, think to go for apples and gas but thinking about j sends me to the letters, not over-written, live interest, don't know why they didn't excite replies, is it only jammed far up into wet hole will   when I can't read more it's 5:30 and time for a fast ride, citrus peel and getting through soap films     finish the letters, mild voice telling strong feeling   -   she said it's tropical you, that when I was adoring you you said it was useless to you     because it isn't absolutely clean and that comes from your castle     the back rub was right     you're right, it wasn't sensitive (I noticed I wasn't feeling it as I touched) I'd lie still breathing deep, I think slowly, although it speeded, watching the second hand fall down the right and climb the left     climbing hand feeling the sensation climb and harden and then fall off     abdomen, the bright light on, they'd turn it off and it would be softer     plaster walls, the sense of silent night     familiar hospital sounds     from the room voices in the nursing station     roy sitting lower down on the left in a leatherette chair     melting into white bonelessness, almost asleep, watching the clock     she would poke brutally during a contraction     'or roy didn't tell her not to Give up yourself and you will find your real self. Lose life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep nothing back, nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. Nothing in you that hasn't died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin and decay, but look for Christ and you will find him, and with him everything else thrown in. taking someone to a hospital and the nurse said she'd look - dragging a dark girl, one of them, up the stairs rudy at my car's wheel, I said stop, he didn't, I flicked the gear, it continued - at my cervix, the pain on the inside left, at night it's an ache, maybe desire, I can dissolve it out give up yourself: 'I became aware that I was holding something at bay' the man     surrender to who I don't like or who's contemptuous of me incest ordinary language, music, manners, how they lived at home parents' bodies and failures specifically christian religion mary is focus, it's her will bent praying, pressure, why does she want it ambitions and favorite wishes - do I have any, no, and it's death is it, not having intense want     mildly I don't want to be ugly, that is I want to be beautiful and spiritually superior, question whether for the sake of being turned on, I'd give those up, it seems it's more necessary to feel lost, and some intention not to go to calamity, he said he decided for the safe way, calamity would be dying young by having transgressed the nature of the body, or else the kind of madness that's feeling lost, I want the balance that is in fright, with invention fairy tales - tom thumb the pineal - is there fascination in reference to body workings, the construction of the computer we can imagine it is there: thus we can call it an image template, sharply cut in front of intense light makes sharp     softer with a candle newton - imagining a time when there were red and blue shadows but without explanation   rainbow - any drop at 42 degrees will produce red, 40 degrees blue     it's not a distance but a direction period or frequency of the electric vibration condensers and coils is same as wave system sent   space lattice - in a crystal, such that const int on straight lines through centres chlorophyll absorbs the long red rays hemoglobin like form of molecule   safe in the inner, where polio, refugee, moneyless, car breakdown, toothache are not terms diffracted pencils of first second third order daphne - overhearing her thoughts, I tell her, I don't know how I know but I know, after some time she notices me listening, says go away ellie, I say wouldn't you rather learn to speak this way, turns to a story event, then written to see if I could learn something without deflecting, came reading diffraction, looked up pencils (penis), aimed at the one of her from early,   take mother of pearl on wax, the wax has the color too a coloration by form, diffraction colors because parallel lines   any one set rides on the curved surface of a larger set as if it were a plane something from sleeping with j, or in the last weeks with her, again waking from short sleep this aft, fright, couldn't trace it     dictionary said noncooperation, refusal to conform training to conform to my talent for language when what I really wanted was to (dance) telephone, she was stiff, I was not wanting, yes a little wanting, is it resisting, staying out of her, listening to the forms, 'we can't get to it now', guilty to be unlove, she wants the place, I think I'll have to clear out, leave her in it, go where? california     I am far from the occult sense of this place and     is it     from her, she says she's waiting for me to come to my senses, that was my long wait with her, but - 31 [visiting David Mann, now an administrator at the college in Grande Prairie] 'your eyes are trying to tell me something' 'are they telling or asking?' 'I don't know' 'shall I leave it that way'   'damn you for not coming to see me' I was making elegant phrases he was stuck in finishing his sentences   david milne     seeing how it went for a fanatic as I felt blue and orange     he painted whatever was around him and stayed years alone in the bush     she went to bed   [TV while babysitting with my mom]   - mr mann's face, how I felt in front of it, how he felt in front of my scrutiny, speaking to him, was going out into believing time, as if it was that making him look as he did, little eyes, smiling, it must have always been, his hand over his mouth talking not asking oh - pressure - yes - would I give it up the dialogue where it says try jesus and I say I'll keep fighting I won't join the safe ones heidi talking about criticism, she says compassion I say oh yes but information nothing is settled fighting and daring     dineson: set your terms to like yourself anxiety and the state of walking aware is her manner and voice from her belief no, was there before     but did her goodness make the choice     it makes speaking to her a battle of ideology 1 november heide, 'god arranges everything' little ryan in the bath, excited thinking maybe he's brilliant and I know he wants to think in numbers, I'm the special only one, aren't I more sensitive   television, fonz and laverne   in the alley when he made serious trips picking brown leaves by their stems from the ground   he throws himself back on my knee     laughing   when e epp sits on the couch I go round by the dining room 2 'no I didn't think you were crazy I thought something was troubling you' [I visit Mrs Grotkowski of Sexsmith]   good sausage and she'd washed the lamp globes, he beamed and blinked   snow and moonlight   swans gone lake white   krishnamurti     'is it possible for me not to be' - [Krishnamurti] I like to be without an image Can I live with what is without making a conflict of it Looking at it, studying the structure Comparing To live without the concept needs extraordinary intelligence and a great deal of energy When we talk about concepts we are in contact   LSD: 'destroyed a space within himself, observer and observed' let in a doubt about who knows observing observer made true and false anchor in, and not only out   pressure what afraid of gradually you get used to it   not storing or repeating watching, now intelligence is operating, highly disciplined 'when I look there is no pressure' 'so I have entered a different dimension'   what are the facts 'here is the envy that I had before' for continuity 'anything that is capable of movement must have space' tries to extend the space as long as there is a centre the concepts of the prisoner as long as there is a centre, there is space and time   method belongs to time, so method's no good is it possible for me not to be     (safety)         (thrill)             (the navigator) is it possible for me not to be that will happen         (joyce)   roy and t         (seeds) (they hurt and were bad) (they were inconsistent)   get rid of j     (she's a cotraveler) he said many relationships - he said twice or three times he might be wrong said a long life     (already behind - it was thought of a price)   get rid of me then what would be different would have to find out what's me: the one who was there and asked me to not let her be like them she set out in a direction and asked me to look after it   is it possible for me not to be is it possible for her not to be left to itself wouldn't this body revert to what they are will you give up anyone, child, grandparent, friend, being like you will I let her go she was pretty and had a young brain could I ask her permission she was he one who gave up belief   set out alone she set out alone do it again without knowing more   these days: thinking will I ever know more making the public person from the bottom, in confession         (program) is it possible for me not to be what would be different program         (got up wood in fire pee) if you saw it you would do something about it 'simplicity is to look without the centre'   what is thinking movement from thought to thought satisfied something's being taken care of you hold still and move   can thought be clear     when it's thought it's clear it's she who studies for this possible     of moving freely   'my tradition' memory and not memory (r) the question of how is merely asking how not searching for a method   is it in asking at any moment a method is program and fantasy   that made eternity but novels made the fly buzz (program don't read novels) (when it comes) that made a here not fully   'oh sirs you don't see the beauty of this' writing down     slows aside (theory: is the mind     ?)   writing     being a writer 'I don't know' not always true dropping past: as if it can be done 'hesitantly, tentatively and with great affection' to seriously examine   the capacity and intensity to resolve the a passion isn't a capacity what I don't like sensitive alert body (committed to) order without control a state of learning is order   not correcting or analyzing without the eyes of the past knowledge chooses 'if I sit by myself I deceive myself very easily, by being awake in relationship I can learn the cause of sorrow' intelligence is, and doesn't look to be, safe adam and eve story would be they say     instincts not able to reply to thought thought loosed from intelligence so thought created secondary worlds so let intelligence refind the instincts how - comes down into begins to carry out the implications of intelligence   the breadpan     showing off on a table behind a door 'don't show off' attention intensity   you can't name it you can only look thought has constructed itself as an instrument for survival can it understand its death   somebody watching there is no method where there is seeing there's no conflict   there was no space, there was no observer look as if the space is nonexistent in the listening you will find the separation of observer and observed ended   when there's comparison there's compromise a quality of sensitivity to ideas 'I want something mysterious' the one who can 'do something' with something pleasure and beauty don't go together, if you see that it's finished     pursuing memory love isn't a pleasure observing without analysis 3 how I woke at 9 even after working until 2, and how the car at last wouldn't try to start and I set out     a fine cold wind from an unusual side, finger, southeast white closing that direction, a blizzard? man and little boy walking to the house from a chore, betty jo lending herself to any who go through speaking, looking at the girl I liked, today she wants to know how it is to be free, she was excited having gone to the junior high dance, hadn't told and known it yet, he didn't like it   he invites stopping to look   resisting jesse's unhappy face sitting still while he called, each call with sobs after it he stood up to call more after a while I asked if he wanted to sit on my lap, we watched a squirrel on the pile, standing up to look, leaving, returning   will you wait a moment     remote dry voice are you drifting     yes   alertly eating snow   thinking about jesse's learning to talk, with krishnamurti 4 a new thing: rock, ice I'm standing on, part white ring     (the order of perception) feeling its position into     consent,   then? when I look up? the surface of the ice sings     HWHUNNNNNNnnng seems to run straight across the lake from here to there and at the same time the shiver under my feet seems to arrive from there to here, at the same time I jerk ready to leave can't see a crack nothing has changed a round plane     sense of the distance of the other shore     a solid in some way I don't understand, whipped once and vibrated minutely, because my weight was on an edge of it   the resonance underfoot was particles clean fine spatial and the white/silver/blue of where it was, yellow in the light   desk in school, I can't find my other desk I had cut the heads off the swan and turtle in the museum case, why had I let myself become pregant by a nothing man I didn't like - on stove's shadow surface has line of stronger light because hot air is lens, and shadows blowing - lake's colors blue later green faded water, frost feather tufts     swan sitting still as if floating, quiet movements turning her head, gentle immobile     at first stronger white above her head     frame slid     foreground patchier green     didn't want shore     the foreground was right but too far back hump black, feathers     a battleground of all her friends     her quietness - ice green, then the way shore is another light, pink, unclear, bush belonging to sky     shot it wondering why, division     ice, darkness for writing? - it's an intense pink light, horizontal, points east, rapturous, dusty, what I makes of the trees/willows/reeds     soft granular veined brown blue purple, light in front and behind, white and green snow greeting the colors' directions on ice, green downlight     a brown/grey I'd never seen half around, orange toward sun's red line     two lower red suns the big plane to see edges, soft swamp red/purple blue hill where I haven't seen a hill, the way the house looked in a white sky, with soft clouds, pink and blue, was I looking through the eyes of a european landscape painter     what color is that, carmine?     the red/blue branches/roots tangle     one red berry what: I don't know anymore either telling you or here     in the red light of these evenings I feel happy and it seems the time to be on the ice or its shores     the boiling of the ice     it seemed to be feeling strongly     if we stood still it glub-glub closer, underfoot 5 didn't like that thre was no morning an even light all afternoon, white faded, pink faintly along west   writing scenario, joann's script, intense pleasure, intoxication, speed, and a wild letter with it     sense of revealing, exhibiting, the house and ways she/I have formed     especially the ways of peeing     careless invention of movie forms, I liked sound carrying steps from one thing to another in oblivion image coming back as arriving   then needed to leave, drive through the colors - light yellow brown road, dark brown field, between the two and beyond them, those pale frosted yellows and greys, and slight blue or pink in white sky     standing grass heads, small branches coral, glitter in bits     from hythe in the dark, unrecognizable     next to the lake driving through a loose fling of glitter like a handful   krishnamurti saying watch everything exactly 6 m and I on the ice, white tufts coming off     walking on the lotus field     green dark ice in places, real water she was pink and loved it   chestry oak crying to be the royal child 7 worked toward 'work'   wood from back lane coffee 'worked' on waiting for her two chairs     didn't decide except to remember     choice is from thought, he says to krishnamurti for a push   worked to clear some papers   they're at the table in the garden plucking chickens   cutting fat poplar in the ditch   papers, beginning of each narrative visionary being of great beauty turned out to be, the poplar line from sunset excursion     led to geometry of steiner, yes, again, writing approximate words vaughn: this time I'd also seen eternity ring of light 8 undressed from these days' party, she's missed it   french bread hope slime, fred and bruce, I want to comfort fred, who's drunk   lake, come upon a swan at the edge just where I come out, want to go toward it talk to it greed goes for the camera instead, it, blue, the ice up in white feathers, frame sinks   while I'm reloading it seems to decide to leave, low flight neck stretched   the evening green ice pink land, trees and rushes stand, I don't know what either shot is for   window, angle color grain scratch, profile line 9 dream had josie waking at night breasts in fiery pain   more notes go sense of business letters, artist proceeding, but   real: breaking fallen trees out of branches of standing trees, dragging them out   pied speaking to trees on fenceline falls apart, didn't know what was happening fast enough when I wrote it, confection     wanting to keep pretty rhythms   mornings sawing have had argument   hungry for snow pictures   no idea (looking for - )   when she comes home I'm happy excited curious worried ashamed distorted helmer's disintegrating, sitting with it, in new clothes, grateful to laugh 10 room dead white birds (pelicans but not named), animal droppings, wild boars looking: judy's room, the front room (my studebaker)   nervous, rattled, scared to lose the peaceful generous days, drove fast into, through, the ditch   when she came to hug me, the warmth like sunlight that came there, and scared adoration watching carefully to morality of every move, I thought we were talking     she said she didn't feel anything the way she used to     I don't like the way we're talking, I cried one tear got up wanted to write how it was in the meditation     subtle action I said the ring of shining light, she said pure and shining, but had never seen it, I was happy to tell her then she showed a photograph I had to like, that was what made it possible   the comedy of two cars in the ditch at the corner, blond boy with hay   eskimo     seals like drops of oil I thought they were sending me out to hunt seals, they were sending me out to die on the snow 11 from dreams the bomb may have been dropped somewhere in a city, but luke is here, and was it janeen, models turning, got more rushed, raw cardboard     three times he'd come with luke, three days' flights, the third, luke in pushchair, I knew he hadn't left, embracing his shoulder felt the same but I was his height (lumber jacket), goodness, memory     the queen while I looked in parcels, sense of that terraced garden I've seemed to be visiting   when I cut wood father's there arguing   complex at first full of spirit and flirtation, then getting tired     door was open, she's insisting   bread and teaching it   opening the book packages finding na-khi books, wanting to go through it tasting everything   a delicate sight / makes me chase   moments when I could move / rock delicate a part of a body   [Book packages - University of Alberta extension library]   - her, myself the young girl, she's walking left, blouse, wide skirt, long legs, looking ahead, turning to look along her shoulder, brown taut face, brown hair loose to the neck, moves when she turns her head, she has the frown of a confident person thinking she's walking across a public space, I'm seeing her as if in a photograph, feeling she's the right young girl for me to have been, if I can make her I can make her boy: he's there, her height and mine, hair cut off close to his head, solid in my arms, I press his back to feel if I've made him real, he is     I can make love to him, that will solve the difficulty, he's dense muscular thick and passive, his face is like paul's     I lead him away holding his hand     he's above me lying in the dark, I tell him something - because I made you, his penis already little is melting out of me, he seems to be gathered to that spot, some tissue of darkness between my legs, draws back, vanishes we've come to the holiday house, at the steps the landlady's offering to carry some of my bags, you're behind me, I can't carry all of them, she takes the one left, I think a green one, shows me we've been given adjoining rooms, A and B, I ask, as we're coming through my door, B, whether it's the same price for a double bed, she says yes, the beds haven't been made yet, a double bed, brown metal frame, in the far left corner, look right into your room, a double bed there too, and a small cot, blankets piled on the beds, the room is seedy like an old hospital, an impression of old linoleum, how much a day, she's reckoning on your bed, thirty a day, I think that will be three hundred for our stay, I'm left looking at the drawer faces, is it one in your room and one in mine, or both in yours, the wood is shrunk and rotted back into clumps, the front of the drawer has shrunk back concave with a look of some plant substance withered and cracked turn off the light am in bed looking at the window, grey outside, picture it brighter as it will be when there's snow, after a while feel a pull in my breasts, wait, it's getting stronger, I saw your light off, we listened to each other going to bed, now, is that you calling me, I get up and take the sleeping bag, at the door I'll say, were you calling me?     an old joke     I get to the door, something snags me, my toe is caught by the bottom of the door, I'm feeling whether it's hurt much, you say from your bed, were you calling me?     laughing from the big outer voices, I was just going to - and lie with my arms around someone, a sweet round, a warm,     I'm lying warm on it, thoughts fast it seems random light lines above it     you say you're as if in a deep sleep, when you see, you see us on the lake     are you, too?     no, not at all     but lying still sometimes you stroke my shoulder or back, it becomes sentient, radiant, spatial, there, this boundary where there's pressing, behind, I must put my arms up around your neck, to open my chest     the movement of feeling, I speak in it or above it, I'm very given, fragment talk to you, laid on what I trust, I'm a young girl bride in love in first trust, I realize I'm tibetan or chinese, rock's photographs, hair down my back in a braid, head laid back, I don't know or think what you are, except the presence in me of alertnesses, an extraordinary warm something in my arms, timid kisses, polished hair     the way it went later with my wrist pressing and turning one-two-three-four, fast accurate     you led me at the nip it seemed, I could only keep up, but doubting for a second, no longer could and into actual, I mean remembered, there again, that rocking ache     blue, it's     blue stroked to the floor of the cave     cavern     fosse     a vein through it it seems: spaces made         not exactly in the morning looking over the dreams, in the transition zone, understanding came in phrases     the drawers are breasts     I was her 12 morning sawing, again arguing with him   the others got onto a train I missed, going to a city     I missed it because there was an accident, I had to crawl up or down a hill, and stayed watching how the strange older people had survived - they made it by rushing straight to the connection   rock's life work in a corner of as far as he could go? finding out doubtful histories of local officials     photographs of people (saying what the photographs of mountains could say if I could read them as well) curious what they're wearing, but dutiful, weary   you confound me all day: move into the new, why are you here revisiting   field photographs, going to the lake to cut poplar, then the camera letting me get closer to the dizzy of the pink light, double, it's frivolous and yet it (makes choices in) opens the delight and knowledge   getting light telling you how this place is travel when you say now and I tell pride/anxiety/comparing it lets you remember   good looking images of former   moralistic loquacious arrogant   then visiting the chinese girl [triangle diagram] 13 dreams and waking vividness, writing eagerly   the forest     watchfully across the cultivated field, I was along snow footsteps, entrance and spruce forest, stumps, bird with black cap pale yellow brown belly I looked at it, it said chickadee, those smooth little paths under bushes along a log, and even more when there were human woodpiles, a wood snowplow, and the open rectangle, with sawdust at the base of bushes, tracks, in their different directions, bird, rabbit, coyote, I guessed signs of community, that was exciting   coming through forest, first sign of settlement, then the clear white rectangle, platform, foundation? homestead, piles of rotting slab, sawmill, made the forest larger, and that there were many tracks across it, made it seem the dancing floor   two rolls back why an infinitely distant point sends parallel lines she makes spare ribs I fall into sacred fount of watching people meet     j carmichael and myself in mrs server - we're going out, two schoolgirls, when we go through the glass door I see my hair's up in a slipped knot, white short-sleeved blouse, cotton skirt, we go out bravely with arms around each other's waists? but I'm shocked when you open the top of my skirt to walk with both hands from behind, over my shoulders, on my belly     I dare to consent, we cross the road down, you call out hello to a mennonite girl with her hair in a white net cap, she runs away, bent forward like the old dutch girl, because of the way you're touching me luke a truck, I thought its head, engine was gone, but someone starts it and then I try, the key is black plastic attached by a long wire from inside, can't be taken out some vague: a couple living in poverty in the bush     luke and I visiting or staying briefly, they say he should have a nap and hasn't eaten, sometime in the night r and sara with him somewhere I think I've been with them before, kitchen, filtered light from above in a woman's basement I'm to water her cacti, attach a circular thing size of airfilter to the hose, a hard stream into the large flower pot is knocking the caked earth off in large cubic crystals, she comes down, I don't like her to see the landslide in the pot, she'll think I'm overwatering, show her the pile of little plants that have washed up on the side, weak seedlings, she's interested, will propagate them, I think in other pots but she says something about air and hangs them up, I think she may want to eat them at the 'gate' of the east place, coming with my car, some men there before me, do I back up or is it difficult to stop? my father across the room lying on a bed sleeping, past the foot of it a television I'd been watching, man in flowered dressing gown charming a younger woman, diane keaton, something the man says has kicked my father, I'm watching amused to see the television man's blue image, a little man, standing at the foot of the bed, there's another, the man's body with my father's head on it, my father is looking at them with a thin, younger, charmed face I am trying to tell the sophisticated man, I think a catholic priest - shake the bottle of wine, a few drops fall, sign it's strong, surface condensation because of its concentration - what I saw, he doesn't see or else believe it     when I mention the television program, one of the two men who have come in from a door on the left says, that's us     I look and agree, the one man setting out, looking through his 25 boarding houses, for the girl the other has found, because she's fine, he'll take her away, that's what he was doing when I saw the show while I write these, sensation of being lost = learning, teaching myself, to look in the wrong places, on the wrong scale more of the large buildings searching through a hospital on the top two floors, I'm on the outside pipes climbing (toward it)     (the same? blue)   again to fear         revere ultra- beyond, on the other side compare trans- devout     completely vowed - sequence, not knowing what's coming, field, forest entrance, forest with spruce blown over or down, squirrel, rabbit path, smaller trees, human signs, the white rectangle, recognizing tracks, different chains, excited arrival, see the whole, dancing floor, seems to say go on over the pile, paths my size or too small, fright on this side, scrub brush at my level         pushing through, clang of the branches I release, is there somewhere the forest surrounds, is there somewhere I'm going     poplars standing up yellow in upper light, I could climb one     set down jacket cap and camera, find the lower branches all dead     some dread makes me hurry not persist, back, will I find the jacket, marked by stump fans, hurrying through whiplash back to the open forest     crossing slab pile see the two openings, and their paths, of a den     coyote, maybe fox     remarkable lichen, frilled horns grown up out of others     no comprehension, hurry out, know the angle this side of the sun, come out into poplar, not far off the line of the car     a goose feather, cow paths, along the fence scrub willow with cow paths, open for children, wet and going to waterr, dark, arched, sometimes come out to a surprise, the yellow leaf creek, a house in the space for a house 14 beginning to write yesterday brought forest, went on to dreams, then to collect a little of james to talk to her, then time to go to the school and was it the right time     projector gloves white velvet, coming on maggie's fine little tool for editing, and then the blue lines, superstition said time to pick up where you left it for them, the blue lines beautiful and essential, even the white rectangles with sifts to bluer and redder   [I see the footage that becomes Current for the first time.]   talking to you about james, in his atmospere, competitve, I don't follow     maybe you'll learn something about my craziness   I'm worried about what stell said   confide that, from the dreams, and the generation parts being fooled, crassness of birth control, the something perverse although in particular it isn't, plans she wants indian ceremonies I want to visit artists     the blue lines   edmonton research. different parts of the body different gender, monstrous organ transplant I fast invent the way to get the right body by reorganizing on the atomic level: a long incubation, with instructors, in imagining it right and a transmitter 15 bubbles seeming to have frozen on the way up, elongated, ordered like a (thistle) flower, peering to see the shape under the ice, today the surface is transparent, can see the bottom, four inch silver curtains running parallel or across each other, or an unformed curtain ice bubble lines     an insect rowing freely in brown space where ice curtain threw a dark shadow with refraction edge looking north among the yellow/pink/with blue shadow surface standing on monet's water cautiously     fine stranded weed   clouds some standing some driven in currents white in black, marveling far above them   'a day just like this' sadie flaten's anniversary she came to the right place     he shaved before he went out to the field     'I suppose there's a woman out in the field'     'I guess I'm shaving for the swatter'   baking the bed, and hatred after loving days she argues that it's sluttish   a hot day     smoke blew down     then pewter fine few clouds and rising west wind 16 another hot day   from this day month's trial of refusing [triangle]   away in china, countryside canal garden courtyard food quilt silk plants' babies   ellie epp in grade one, pleased to see you [class photo in La Glace School]   night candle on the triangle stone, half the high school book could see that nearly all I knew or believed / wrote about that condition came from it     when she went down and rode pain     the inner land polio sickness 17 waking thinking happily there'd been more of the renovated apartment building grand on the ground floor     selling - showing someone through     my former place in lower right front     or upper right front     is that you brain telling me about yourself in the only way you can   after noon getting up traveling under clouds     mary with bread an odd flat bum imp small body     gradually find a glee that wants to hug her, and sits on the table separating white paint out of her hair strand by strand intimacy hears itself as j does from the front room   'I thought it was for additional bathing'   he sits with his arms up / I ignore him goes to the golden age club which has lowered its age limit to get more money   rudy's in trouble, we discuss j isn't surprised he turns up I don't say I feel used his face grieved evasive his plan to get to be important and then relations to be honest   lying with you your face in school you talk about monica, I janeen's breasts wanted to kiss her lying down with her bed     chests intercoursing     sweet mouth 18 morning intoxicated mood reading biel carefully, dictionary excitements, coffee nailbiting     crouch dancing sounds of energy too big for me     like to hear them   afternoon nervous dressing for visit [to Gerry Loberg's], I imagine a sitting room and sunday lunch, fine people who see that I've become one of them     arriving in front of a house intense apprehension as if going to a roasting at rhoda's     the blond children coming to the door are too confident     a man as she said     then the blond young woman, dismay, her fat pink cheeks, and manner that knows how to go on, he has the remote kiddish ease of a tall man I'm in pain from the beginning, wanting something, seen wrongly, fighting something I don't know how to locate, is it in their gestures I'm lost from the first, performing, but stalled behind the table, as j throws herself into her key position and no one is interested in me though all know my name   exhausted and needing to go home   - having none of the powers of defense, going there in helplessness as from early times, unready to be anyone but the silently rebellious, warring, guerrilla, but only puzzled in defense? right away, don't like you enemy children I like you but don't know how to talk to you smile smile show I know what's nice you, the tallest andd most experienced, you're where to be for fun? are you? but you don't bother didn't want tea and it was weak the one who belongs with me looks good talking so fast, cheeks pulled in     I interrupt to, intercede to, be with someone I know tea knocked over come from far it's coming toward - ? I grab the embroidery to mop it, her arm shoots across the table to save it     I without looking at her but seeing her motion reverse mine and am saving the cloth as rapidly as I was going to use it     then say to j, was that something?     she doesn't say (is in public) animus     high spirit, boldness - a red and white VW van, after we'll go up the road to roy and sara's place, they're further on, are we in (dusseldorf or munich) a german city     we're taking a pinball console to (the munich boy's), drive into his courtyard (it reminds me now of stell's)     while they deliver it I've reduced the van to the size of a roller skate, when they come out I'll have to restore it, I attempt, when they come they help, I need them to raise up the sides, it's there but different, inside, a pile of little grey tutus, will we be a traveling show, it's the inside of a caravan something - the sense of the dream = car and some men, pursuit on the same little stretch of road [few days later letter from Roy's solicitor] 19 it continues today morning film festival intense animus not having a good time, for resistance, before that, their gatherings, social failures, from the first, hospital, school     (stratford, visits, sexsmith, etc)   she to grande prairie comes back tired wants to talk about why I'm away, and does - the way he said have you gone up to bed     a quaint idiom we both feel better   ss house     shell     dome tell her some     she takes more   not miniature but pattern, technology couldn't be sold would teach people to think   she said, the man who built this had to go to heaven first   part 2 up north volume 3: 1979 october-december work & days: a lifetime journal project