| edged out 10 part 1 - 1984 september-october | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
15 September 1984 [Rowen conceived] "Comm'on little girl" - her little head. "I want to fu-uck." In a break she phones. T sends Jesus, to be able to call him. [her cat] "I'm going to put on a skirt." "It's not my birthday, even." In the moonlight talkin' about marrying, "It's not the silliest idea I know." Luke's room. His mouth. "So you should have kids by yourself." "Yes." "But you don't want that either." "No." "We could probably get the contract to do the roofing if we wanted." "The way you laughed, did you feel it was cynical?" "Maybe." "You think I don't know what I'm doing don't you. I know what I'm doing." "Just that. That you're in a position where you can change your mind if you want to, but I'm not." "You've probably just committed yourself to a daughter." "What would it take for you to get pregnant?" "I'd have had to come to a moment where I consented to myself." Muscle ache and bruises from the work. [working construction for Clare on the row houses on Hawks Ave] "I want to love your head." "This strange melon." This strange young one. But to come he has to jerk-jerk-jerk. I sounded like anyone. Tired and not registering. Watching - am I agreeing? As if it should be seen as momentous, but it isn't, it's not quite focused, at night he was creeping near as he could. "I don't trust you." "It only wants to go there." He's lying in the moonlight. Alright you've got it. "I love the way you hold me." "I wish that was all it took. I wish I knew that was all it took." Afterward she brings the dragons' eyes and papaya - I eat half it with her and other half evening with him. Talking straight. In the moonlight. The skirt. He looks and touches the cow. I put it to show. Over the leg. When I'm touching he's putting it near. I notice I am going to consent. Whether he'll notice. Whether he'll back out. With it in shallow, looking into his green eyes. What's this like. Dim. Something about a bear - Maryanne's furniture on the train - soaking my pearl wedding headdress in water - I'm going to be married later today - but then go on the train, Maryanne has put all her furniture on the train by hand, piece by piece, she's going to make me late - I cross the tracks to take the train going the other way but she's on it too - walking alongside the hill a bear, maybe two, in the way - how to get away - up the bank, knock on one of the doors, the man says "This will do it" - a whistle? I blow and they're gone. "There's a nice look in your eyes. Trust. You know you'll have a slave." J in MacDonalds. "But Jam, Ellie was so lonely" Rhoda said. Walking home by the tracks grieved and furious she didn't want me. But goodnight on 6th cheerfully. "So are you going to marry him?" "No but I'll lend him an alarm clock." The evening we were both injured. 16
Diana's concert. When she's going to come out I push the red curtain just aside. Touch her on the collarbone. Her white shirt. Then she's a long time. I'm uneasy and I interfere. She comes out in a red dress and on her slow way to the front sits for a minute in the chair in front of me, turns around and tells me what I did was wrong. She looks like someone else, a young keen dark face. Goes up to the platform and instead of music she's rehearsed, they do her play. She's sitting in the audience. Urbane people saying lines. At the end of the concert she's playing some piano music. The audience is leaving, a voice explains the specialness of how she's playing it. Legato. Opening onto the muddy yard, has someone taken my shoes and left me theirs where I can't find them. Outside the women's dorm looking in at two floors, public ground floor and the first bedroom floor. The young women in their new clothes, I'm seeing each one plainly. A girl in tweed skirt and long hair (Leslie Reid). Many in panties or shortie pyjamas. Seeing them closer brown round bums with the panties ridden up. Moving my chair to see both floors, light the color of television, some men behind me. Being with an older man higher up as if at the edge of the upper floor. We're playing spronging his penis out 5' long between where he is and I am. Then we see an electric field standing like crystal, dotted lines for about 18" depth like a basket around the base of it. I thought there was something with Don too. Last night he holds me to sleep. "Your lightness. There's a lightness about your field." The electrical body. "It's the same shape but a different - texture." "Yes." In the afternoon when I'd touched myself a dark open organless body - the Tulku diagram. [I transcribe Jam on the phone] "In such a system it seems very difficult to do one's own looking around. I seem to accept that there are different types of being. You try to pull me into your side. If you would go truly into your type you would exit into my side." "Wanting the person to be with you because you're not there." "I have felt taken over in this country ... a way of relation that does not have this ratio in it ... the assumption that that is the stream of it rather than the moments .... They were not at all in relation to each other in this horrible Canadian way. They were alongside each other quite nicely. It was their independence of each other. It is something that I know from that other life. ... to get the business end of it over so it will be really clear. So everything is falling into place. I feel the smallness of this place quite tearingly around my head. The circularity. ... the good months there January and February ... in chains for quite a long time." "'Cause the mother closed to me." "Going through and exiting back." "I really speak quite well. I have heard from others that they like my speech, but what they have replayed to me was quite plain. Now I see why you like me." "You were never of the mother's body." "I have always felt you as a wonking force like Percy. The push stops me from agreeing with you even when I do agree with you." "I have not been curious because I've been in a posture of waiting to serve. ... that I find the mother too small, is that what you feel? I have always felt that." "That you've also surrogated me? Yes of course I've also found that." "Adequacy of heart is not it. ... that both of us would always feel was a home ... built on sand. That's been the wear of this. ... to go more into that other desire but by way of me. The depth of your desire for that other. This blocking that you do. You don't allow a person to properly betray themselves." "I did not make a true-hearted choice. Somewhere along the way I made a choice. What I kept on seeing was the mixture of the ways it could work and the ways it absolutely did not work." "The reason I'm puzzled about you... I seemed to think you were in a higher self-knowledge than I was ... when I saw you not able to let go." "You were unlucky enough to pick someone who was not on your level." "So what transmits is the person's energy with respect to herself ... you and this other life ... with me had to do with the house - with the house and your family - with my house and my family." "That word that you use, 'haunt,' what it had to do with ghosts. 'Honte.'" [E] "No, the shame is failure. If the moment of certainty fails everything has failed. ... Next to that feeling of shame there's a little spritely feeling." "Which is?" [E]"Which is that failure allows one to do something new." "I am liking you in a way now that I haven't in a long time. I want the liberty too." "There was - it is my feeling that - this is going to be quite long - that even though you chose there was something in you that was not strong enough to back up your choice. There was another ..." "Competition and feeling inferior, and that was tied up in the whole incredible world we both went into, about baby-making. You somehow use it to prevent the other person from developing to a too-incredible joy, if the well-speaking would be too developed you would feel too outstripped and you fall back on what you can do well. That started my language being abusive ... how quickly he balked and how quickly the thing of baby-making was introduced, because of ideology, because ... you want to put a control on ... I smell a confusion there because of how you use it ... it's also that it's fantastic for you, inachievable in that way, in so many other ways unachievable. You can't have it the way you want it, where you would get the good relation to the whole situation that you would be in. An untruth. ... confused in quite a simple way. You can have both ... quite a simple twist ... even though I know that I will always want to know you it will be very hard for me. I keep on seeing a pale child. I would have to be out of the picture ... what produced such a scream in you? It's not something that you and I are doing. It may be that you can have it in another way. Everything you tell me about Michael, I don't relate it to the past, or to us ... I feel that everything is open now ... it never occurred to you that I might have made other arrangements." "Why do I make you feel that you're my last chance? I have no way of knowing what kind of chance I have." "Baby-making as a figure rather than an actual project ... all the parts do their work and the mother can be contemp-lative." "You yourself speak very well. I really don't understand ... the highly sexed thing ... the baby-making go together in you. I believed you in your early days when you said you really wanted to drop it. ... You speak very well yourself ... musicians You like to exercise it. I didn't want conversation made of that." "There are things that I don't talk about okay." "I might play one instrument but not the others. "But you also like to compete. [E] "I like to compete so much that I tend to make the other person as strong as I can." "I've seen your face change. You're really vivid. You come alive in that way, and then something else happens and takes over. One begins to feel an evil disk being slipped into the ribs. I'm just imagining now. Something happens. Something else takes over. You were talking and quite happy in relation to your words and your hands. You detach. Something is detached from your words. The rest of your words come out as if quite lost. In Guilford when we were in bed ... there is something in your association with Michael that I distrust. If you did go through having a child with him it would not be from ... it would be like my taking that ... it would not be transmitting a strong energy to my friends about what I'm doing ... not a good relation of yourself to yourself... the relation I want to be in to my work and to my words too ... if you would let the energy peter out ... your dislike of being stopped. "You don't like to be seen stumbling ... the people who are accomplished are allowing themselves honesties ... respectful to inferiors." "The demon seizes its opportunity when your attention is withdrawn ... your eyes look quite vacant ... at the end of this little vigorlessness your tone will nasty up ... very inflammatory I fear ... 'I like it very much.' The look on your face was really incredible. I was still lying and letting you think ... that mixture of ... you know it's like the look of quite a fearful joy ... abandonnedness ... maybe you were just fully in your words and I didn't know it then ... I saw a mix. It wasn't a mix ... your bringing in the outside and saying some people don't like it ... you back it up by way of the outside. You can always claim that you're telling the truth but you tell so much of it ... North Americans ... you're gathering more being unto yourself, you're better than or something like that, or opposition to ... another is brought in ... 'some people don't' ... that you're in competition with ... Yes I could give it to you easily ... I never have fantasies about that by the way ... in my pleasure fantasies ... as if some additional spirit came into it." "Between my eyes and my mouth is really a great distance ... talk to you about it is not a small step ... officially." "What I have done I have done because of kin-dread." "Jealousy as greed." "You came up with this full plan. It was totally designed for me. It was just plain too grabby for me." "It's a wonderful idea and it works but it needs only one person in charge and supplying you also with everything that you need cause you'll be in the wrong relation to everything." [E] "Well I know that I have been in the wrong relation to everything, in the last four years." "I feel the kinship, I mean, the siblingness of it." "I don't want to have a part in this, I'm quite sure of it. As long as I'm around ..." [I say her timing is participating] "I'm not willing to be used. You're not going to stick me with this. ... You are still very reflexive so I'm not willing to be - used. The people who are involved are doing that, and if I do not want to exist in a kind of shadowy involvement ..." "You had to be sure of attaching me" "I - I - I feel this is an area to be talked about - that's your tone of the woman who's sure. It's a very sexed tone. I'm not fooled. Even though you may be. ... as far as responsibility exists there is certainly a waiting to see what happens and not believing what anyone says." "How would you feel if there was a cut-off?" [E] "I don't know how I would feel about it." "I'm tempted to believe that." "In my world I am at the centre of the lines of responsibility as much as there is responsibility at all ... I don't want any bond or connection that is not so." "The most inarticulate body?" Radiation and solar plexus, the electrical sense. "It's possible because I have other people to talk to." "Inside your little wise womb waiting." -
And then what else - I said I wasn't assuming I know what I want, I'm taking a passive position. Tansy patch - Sunday's evening - we go to a field to see the sky - I'm leading to the tansy - boys on bikes over behind it flying on dirt humps - looks flattened open - a square hole dug in the path - find the place by going broadside to the tree - the stand of white clover - it's the only one - sit down on the tansy stalks - "I can understand why Jamila is still crazy about you" - "If she'd been brave enough to be crazy about me she'd have had a better time" - sitting down in the matted tansy - bright yellow heads and brown heads - the scent when he moves - the depths and tumble - a mound of blackberry with one mix of colors behind it - the one tansy stalk moving more, searching, behind it's the keenest white blue - the cottonwood itself all motion - the four on the playing field dark new growth plumed over tipping west each with a different weight (the whole factories of sound passing them) - color changed when we look up - that one look wins me - the pink one with hands. Trying a stare, we began, thinking of J on the church steps in London, who wouldn't - Castenada - the effort unfocusing partway - then further, double-wide mouth, outlines, then I get to the terminal a head of a man, under the hat it's open dark, an oval of, the clothes of the man over there, the face isn't, an outline, oval line - I can't hold it long, what eyes, easy to focus him back, the chin shape, mouth shape - him, though a mystery I don't want to stay with - (poking my side with the coat hanger). In work imagining lying down for the birth in the tansy again, June, trusting - a mongoloid, someone without arms, smother. Lying down the body one. Kill deer, killdeer, these evenings. New clothes, a room occupied, giving hours to him, becoming the house-workers, J says she's going to India and Nepal to look for the Indian couple. What auspices. It's not the old relation - in the hours with him watching the way it's common laughing pleasure - this is what I most need to say - there's time what he says, remarks, facetious, "It happens when we're just beginning to get somewhere," my time was dead waiting, bring me to no, impossible, this! a story I know about, brilliant woman living alone with an ass, doesn't like the kids either - (then: seeing what is it) - real arms and not hogwash - the person doesn't refuse anything, I see him smiling to please me - "I would like to walk into the kitchen with the gaffer." Some kind of wellness / and / it's wondering if my distinction's gone - J about desire passion vanity - I couldn't follow - being willing - it is: will my beauty go. The look - the mouth - he looks - standing at the sink scraping fast long hairy animal leg tendons bum roundness - door downstairs - then: the sort of talking it is. What sort of animal. "A woman who's so confused she doesn't know what she's doing" - sometimes the weak position is. 18 Morning - getting up for work Ezra pulling leash - run to meet her on the stairs, hat, curled hair, print dress, who's going today to Nepal for 3 months. We grab each other sobbing. Alarm beeps. People who came with her. She sits down needing something to eat. Muffins. My mom sitting down in choir first hoists skirts, pulls up pantyhose. Everybody's looking at her. Etc. The penis. I lovingly grab. Lying beside him tell him (dream). Grabbed his, bigger but he puts his hand in, I quit. 19 A dry navigating emotionless in a way that's new to me. Competence. Or it could be you're without heart. I don't know which of those it is. And if I am without heart I don't know what would be with heart. (RM) "I feel lucky and sunk." In a train going to pass the cemetery, Judy's journal. Judy and Princess Margaret, her country shack. Queen Elizabeth, myself and Mary. I'm in London near Luke's school. Was talking to a girl in the shower. She says she has to give in to the (rules) or she'll be raped etc. I shake her, say standing firm is her only chance. But I can see by her body, she's mingier, she doesn't have it in her. Beside the road in the grass hear familiar voices, a van with all of them in it, hi, Andy without Janine, a child over his knee. Many small children. Sara as if separated, a baby who can see bugs out eyes horrible. Another, the new one, on the floor sleeping face down. Sarah standing up as if she doesn't have time, she may get together with Andy. Won't make birthday parties, or Christmas, or read story books. 20 Dave Rimmer visits - "Don't you want a life with family?" - saying I could live better with some money and learning to live daily with people - a man I kick out who may want to grab some of the encyclopedia - my father in a killing rage, I know if I sneak around into the right side of the basement he won't think to look there - a class is told a story to cover for me - the one little boy looking. 21
22
23 This sequence - I go to West Broadway to cash the paycheck, leave him to go to J's house - ask tarot about him her it and work - Laiwan invites me, I see bottles washing and say magic - they tell the story of their fun, Laiwan dreamed rape, felt him there, May saw a giant penis, candles, chants, dressed in white - "I'll give you one" - they are her familia - a card that tells me, I forget the Latin I would've known young. [invitation to a party at Jam's/Laiwan's house] I command thee, thou unclean spirit and all thy companions possessing this house, that by EORTHAN MODOR you shall leave this house and forever be gone.
From eggs to apples, earch: earth's mother. Her letter says Muse of the labyrinth appear here. And I'm making her a very nice raspberry cheesecake hm. Sartre begins - once established it never moved, it stayed quiet. 23 A party for what
[that's Laiwain] Introduced by one part, repeated by other parts and subjected to complex development. labyrinthos - "ult unknown" - winding passages of the inner ear - cochlea - vestibule - semicircular canals
Eleusis! Sept 13. 25 At night ill, heavy liver, remembering it was hepatitis when I had bone ache like this. Laiwan's party. J coming back to get me. We walk into light I say is like a light that's come after it was already darker - the way I heard her voice with Rhoda - hers strong and quick - then on the corner telling she wrote her parents - hugging her pixie middle stroking thin arm - "What are you doing!" - "I think you're wonderful. I like you" - her bus, "Bye bye" in the colonial voice. Writing against fatigue. When I'm with him I often yawn. The cheesy fungus inside his small toe, scraping it with his long dirty claw, stomach, liver? turning. Dark press. The way touching gives him a mouth I don't like to see and don't know the feel of. Lower lip is pressed down and squared, upper is curled forward in two peaks. What I feel when I see it is maybe it's his allowing himself what the other faces are forbidden. (It's not greed like Paul and even if it were, his body - .) It's maybe close to death-disgust. I'll be touching his shoulders being in close to his neck and then open my eyes on the different meaning of the look of his face. - [upside down] In the distant dawn of unrecorded time the valley of Kathmandu was a turquoise lake a wondrous lotus flower from which emanated a blue light of awesome magnificence manifestation of the primordial Buddha So beautiful was the lake, so sacred the flame, that the devout came from many lands to live in caves along its shore, to worship and meditate. Patriarch came and sliced the valley wall with his flaming sword of wisdom and drained the water. Lotus settled to the floor. A stupa built there. Or Krishna Thunderbolt broke the valley. Ganesh the elephant-headed. Mahabharata gods and mortals fought alongside. Got in pod. Taming. He's been taming me but now I have no strength to be with him. The worst it can be. Jam in her battle for her own fame has someway set me up by my weakness, played me so cleverly by refusal and speaking to the body, that I would fuck any derelict to get pregnant, and then be eaten by pregnancy, drained by an infant, ashamed as I haven't been, and maybe of the child too, desperate in the work, J refusing her part, not wanting to give it to M's footlessness, no being able to endure him, immobilized alone maybe wrecked. 27 When he said waking up is what it's like. Tato the clown tit tâter tuft tap töturr rags tatu ta mark tauto the same 28 Tato story. In the muscled sea an island. Stories told with the little boy. There's myself a motherwife, my husband, our baby. Tato the clown.
- [upside down]
- He'll do what I say and I'll look after him.
29 It's either going to bleed in the next six days or else it's a new adventure. It isn't a loving chemical. Doesn't like to look at him. My vagina winces. The pubic bone like an obstruction. Cervix hard. Wanting to do it but not liking it. Watching whether it's feeling something maybe that isn't transmitted to me. "That makes her common among women." - [upside down] The hidden sea is one of the solar system's oldest foxholes, also one of the first places we must consider when we think of extraterrestrial life. Fucks hole? To fox, to stain with a reddish color. Fox hunt. -
Now I have no friend anywhere. Do these tears mean I'll bleed. Storm Jameson with her husband saying what they both know. They give up, they're lonely and have dear moments. With Cheryl hardness succeeding but the uncertainty we're in. Proposal showing she reads Lacan. She suggests I fancy up my simple movies with impressors about the Look. I say no, theory is the standpoint, it is implied. Plasma the natural atmosphere of stars. I'd have to take it as research. For the visible covers the invisible sight in you. Seeming to've visited her blindly weak and tearful to tell her what'd most disturb. Panic. There's no way not to follow a pattern! There is no right way! Pinched. Holding on. Hearing her in her system not wanting her, fed up. "You don't seem to have self compassion. That makes you brutal. And also brilliant and inspired and impressive." Self compassion. Christian. "You had to go against the travesty of compassion, to bat away people's compassion for you." "She saw it and said it. I saw it on her face." "As cruel as you, and sadistic." Paul. Mary. Luke. "Eugenic. How its father looks, so outward." "She is cruel and will hurt people with her beauty." "The way you describe - somebody - whenever you describe anyone's physical qualities, I don't like to be associated with it. I would not find that the most interesting way to do it. I feel that it comes from a confusion in you. If that is your criterion I don't want anything to do with it. Something in your seeing that is not healthy for you." "You also use it to hurt yourself." "Do you imagine I could be different?" "How you saw things - you saw wholes. Those seem to be times when you had whatever it took to leave yourself for a bit and be in the world." "I have had to really feel there is another type of person whose life injures my being but who I am quite willing to like and love." "Because there was something that I had to have acknowledged in a certain way." "If it were really true would you need to have it acknowledged?" "Politically, yes." "That you didn't want my letters." "For such a long time you disbelieved me." 30 I dreamed looking in a box, other things I didn't know I'd kept, this blanket from Luke's baby time, I'll use it again. It was London too, London the brick. Sunday when morning crying I went to M - just back in the garden eating lotus leaf rice on the cement table, J in her bright blue holding an evil eye on us, why's she doing it to him - speak to her to take it off him - "I'll go" - he dreamed it - her Marilyn Monroe madness he confronted. I know how to do the next thing. "You don't have to go," looking in his green eye, "it's alright." On the bench. I hardened last night. In the movie when the dwarf was crying, feeling I must phone her, she may be going to die, but phoning after to give her a seed to be angry on. She had to come to this forming, has forms to say. "So are we untied?" "Sure." Laiwan brings roses. This morning she and Maddy in the courtyard as I sit on the stoop to put on my shoes. On the sidewalk in the Sunday Chinatown shopping crowd standing to look at children. Crows in a balsam poplar, a crow quacking. Between the ocean and the warehouses the clay plaza, our Sunday plain. We're sitting close on a beam under the poplar, yellow tower behind our back throws single leaves. I hear footsteps, turn round, it was water knocking on the stubs of piles. There are Canfisco pallets, portable offices, a dumpster, two men lifting planks on a pickup. He doesn't come to the end of wanting to be close to my body. I'm looking over his shoulder at the beautiful two cement warehouses. A shout, something thrown, he saw it, the crow bombed a cat with a bun. There's the bun lying on the gravel. We go back to look at how to fix the room. On Keefer he stands with my bike, I run across into the Tak-Kee to get a parcel of sticky rice. Dear Jam: I never would be persuaded to have a child with you. The reason was none I told you. It's because you want it as winning. Listening to how you try to persuade me even now, I go stone cold. You're still a shark. (That's what you'd have liked, a colder fight? Yes.) When she leaves, she's going by the front but changes her mind, goes to pass him, says "Goodbye Michael." For her pride. She says: "You weren't willing to give your life to it." He says, "I'm thinking, what are they doing, they're getting to know each other. The first time I came to your house I had such a strong impression when I first came in." "Was that when you were standing at the bottom of the stairs?" "No, it was when I came into it." "The kitchen you mean?" "Yes." "When you saw the pictures maybe." "No, I don't think I'd seen the pictures yet." "I thought, she wants a baby." - [upside down] The things that are made are not made of things that do appear, for the visible covereth the invisible sight in you. Fox October 2 The room. A moment dismay thinking it's my barbaric color not the better quiet. Jam's little mouth. Remembering failures refusals crashes. She never stood with me in her family. She didn't want to know my pictures. He asked me to read my journals. She didn't want my letters. She wouldn't let me in her body. She didn't imagine my childhood. She wouldn't know her competitive meanness. She wouldn't make herself nice to touch. The time she had Rhoda and T living with her. When she said "The one I wanted to kiss was Rhoda."
It's a serial marriage these years. Brisk into the bathroom, downstairs door, her flannel amah's shoulder only, gone, book pile on the stair. This morning it being for a while real nook, blessed soft by coming, but afterward disspirited, patient with pleasantry. [money calculations for food, 2 weeks @ $40] Because of the way the body bakes in my hands - the white shirt - my boy sawing on the porch - we did the closet, I cut patterns from lining rags. Red shelves. Does the way R was looking more at me than she does, mean J said something. 3 A bicycle, a truck (a bicycle with a lamp, two kids, the smaller one holding a contraption to the wheel, a long bar, that generates the light). This bicycle looks like a truck. A kid on either side, above the back wheels, holding a wheel to a wheel, the truck is clipping along with the traffic but the powering is somehow transmitted into the lower wheels from the upper. Balloon tires. In the sea among bathers, warm green sea immersed to my chest. I say "The sea is so -." Swimming by slightest motion, this is the way to, like an eddy. I meet five Indian women walking with arms linked, tall self-possessed women different ages like women of the family. Two are darker like Dravidians. I smile to say I enjoy seeing them. They're doubtful. Turning back to the shallower end, pulling my pack, it can be immersed, but on the ledge here something of mine that can't, the little calculator. In a hotel room in a city I visit, looking around realizing they always give me the same room, does no one else use it. There's a letter waiting for someone else, a side drawer with open boxes of picked-through chocolates. I'm going to take one, the rest of them grabbing. Yesterday a white poor apartment building, an old woodframe, the front door is open, a woman sitting in one of the apartments. Sylvia Plath lived here. I go in carefully. The second storey and above, it opens into a big space made for an esoteric group, lesbians, high ceilings and very décor, ceremonial. You refuse to learn intimacy because you're holding out minds that aren't good as the kind of writer you aim. I love you as a writer because that's what you are. Wanted you to love me as a writer. I love him as a husband boy bodily 'cause that's what he is. Want him to love me as he does. Loved her as a spirit cleaving me with her eyes, would like to let her do it again. 5 Not asleep, was it after the little finger rose fire flare, something Rhoda had made, some relation to Jam, a glass partial cone with thin lines like straws, bright colors, painted up the sides. There was some other piece, maybe a little screen for it, as if that piece was something with Jam. Glass with high optical sparkle, pang, she's just working to make exquisite new things and I'm going to be a slave again. Then try fierce return, I'll work too. This morning I'm thinking it's her (maybe it's clear) intent pursuit I'm to join with now - what's the essence of this. The room - belt sanding, rust dust - the bed from the sumac house - Toyota - shell chair* portaged from Powell Street - we sit in it in the alley - Nina passes - T and R in their balcony oversee - our sumac too - the right dark blue - lead yellow. [Michael and I fix the middle room - sanded floor, sky blue walls, dark blue picture rail stripe, white ceiling - colour sceme from a Players package - yellow door and window frame] [*little girl princess photo]
Ink picture rail, floor light. Poisons. 6 Since Monday he's patient working in the room. I demand another coat of the worst poison. He's afraid of me. Smiles. After the verethane last night, at the end of being willing to explain again, in his arms traveling, a mind I knew, can't say, a self-voice in a dark thinking. Trudy gives me $10. In the library unable to bear him. The way I miss her there. Saying I'm separating the functions, I'm not getting married, there wasn't a way I could do it right. She didn't want me. She can't emotionally take care of me. But the way I went on interested. She up there looking colored. I looked did the crying show. Without quick talk again can I work with this touch-person. So long. Already saying goodbye. To begin living the life that followed the In the morning I would come outdoors at sunrise. practiced recalling and recounting. If you're going into vision or revision what you want is moderation and continuity. It was only not to be shut into the house of earth. I did not [?] to go in and out of the doors if only I could see those who did. I showed her the people who were coming into the room, the kind of people I used to see when I was a young child. I knew they were indeed my kin. So I keep that house now, with the daughter I never bore, the child of my first love, and with others of my family. [Le Guin Always coming home] 7 In Jam's house Laiwan. "She said you're my [?] now." Jam reports it in her impressed way. I come to hear J speaking a German passage, Laiwan by the refrigerator checking it gives us each a package with a dry or trick snake, "With this one you'll have to speak." An affected German. They do different things, transfer colors, mine fastened on my lower lip, hope it lets go. A moment when I walk away down the long room, the feeling of Laiwan's attaching her. "I'm not ---," irritably, "they think I'm going off ---, I'm just ---." Wake up in anguish - she's in this anguish - the years' anguish fear, Lee, Rhoda - when he's with me I don't wake like this. "I have no will." "I'm yours." "I have to understand that I'm not heartless anymore." "I'd have moved in long ago if you'd asked me." Crying about nesting, tireless he feels. Thinking of painting the Valhalla house with J and then alone when I was going to have autumn there, violets. "The fourteen year old's got a boyfriend and is happy to play house. The scholar can't wait to get back to his work." "Her work." The conflict finishes me off. I like to lie with him, the light body like a little shell, and be alone. How does it feel to imagine such use. What about the movie. Daphne's course. - titania's gash garser to scratch gas geest/geist chaos gasp geispa yawn gaster stomach 'gating him' gat narrow channel as between sandbars gatu, geat OE opening geotan to pour Scot. gate a way of doing something, a path ON gata way gadrian gather Want to show my music / want to make seeing intelligent 8 Wanting to compare the times to know if it can be a one I like as much as Luke - I was in love - I was proud of Roy - it was fabulous London - (the orange cupboard, everything interesting) - the finding little toys, can I be interested in that again? Luke's whole right vivid story - the agony for me - already this one wants it - the way he looked worn last night - Roy stole everything but I had London. Fishing last night - found a line caught in bushes, pull it out and throw it in, a box with small bits of metal, some are hooks, an elephant charm to set aside for earring - at the top of a bank where others are also fishing. It's the gooney way he moves his mouth - I leave at the beginning of what he's going to say and come back later - this isn't the way it's done! I'm in overspill from J, what I held back from her has taken a random target - so much with her in the way of retasting how interested I was - how unable she was with me - what could I have done, gone to Oxford - but I insist on a right-feeling body - will not-being enchanted make a drier child. The answer I take is, use quiet to learn danger. If this is the correction geometry the end of it will be completeness. Already the room. Several thousand words that have been in the language as far back as -
|