| edged out 10 part 2 - 1984 october | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
9 October 1984 A platform from the old house - On the site, a tractor with a blade, the man hired to work in the garden asks me where - feeling of good change, autumn on the road, where I dreamed I was in autumn before, am I staying - The platform room seems to lead from there, it's the old, first, house up in the trees maybe, open like the attic of the second house, I can see the roofslope from under, cut where there's a wall, boards, she nailed it I think - is there going to be a window there? - the west wall - she says yes, in line with the little east window in the door - but bigger? Waking up with him between my legs, I set myself down on him - my father - it's also him - a room with 6 little boys set at stations, they're being watched by the (emir) who'll choose for trailing, I could teach my little boy to act dumb, and then he'd be spotted for how well he did it. Confessing frights and hates: "When I get bored, which sometimes I do." He meets with steadiness. "You're not very hot today are you." Happy when we said he can be the mother and I could get grants. Paul Klee painting in the kitchen. "Everyone will know I'm desperate." "You are desperate in one way. You're spunky." Maybe they could live here and I could live in a hotel, or in another land - has real life won? - "To go more into that other desire but by way of me."
It was the terror of being contempted - this one is placed so he'll never contempt me - she did often - even if it was normal equality - [upside down] Centre of 1-piece wheels, thicker part where it goes in, nabo, nabulonm The child taken from the river, found in the rushes - in a basket - found by (daughter): a daughter finds a child floated up, gives it to - - I can't stand it. Not transmitting a strong energy to my friends about what I'm doing, not a good relation of yourself to yourself. Panic - three days black rain - telling him to stay away - the long bus ride and then check unsigned, rain on my head, will I be walking all the way. All the saying that's nothing, hers and mine. Queasy and cold. 10
The 'speech chain' - the river of position changes of the mouth, throat, lungs etc - sounds are all 'transitional' - in their shaping sounds overlap. Each linguistic sound has its specific optical character, drawing the sounds - micrographic image Spelling from history
In Beowolf cenned born - cymlicor more beautiful, aenne alone, cundra knowledge [notes on PRC film sections] [Two columns]
11 Two little girls and him, I see a head of red hair at the road - their mother maybe coming - we rush onto the road to the highway, the last half mile. Bohn's land where the bush was, is built up on that side - shale retained, showing a thin rim, then apartment walls, wide single vines spread on them - one red leaf or two - loop turn at the highway - call the little girls to jump in the box, and Paulie - I quite like the way that side is now. Show T and R a few sheets of work - something rich and funny - she's scornful they're not the kind of work we want to do anymore - I yell that they don't see. When did I dream - telling Trudy - a blond man - worry about paint - the sense of it and when, and even telling J, but gone now. In pain (with) J. Like desperation - tears at home - tears - in the library about the father who spoke for his daughter - pressure. 13 We didn't look after each other. When they love each other they understand the person. I contempted a lot of her. Was offended when she was in pain. Wouldn't have her except as the marvelous friend. Wouldn't pity her and then had to be suffering her superiority because I'd only been willing to have her so. Wouldn't feel with her, too afraid to lose my own view. Eager to hurt her to get even for not being my true heart mate that I'm not either. Both feeling our own spurned devotion and avenging ourselves without pity. I didn't take on the real, we didn't. The way at the beginning I felt more, the way we let ourselves away into crazy talk. If that is your criterion I don't want anything to do with it - we often said it - we gave up instantly - people saying - If you aren't the one who'll make it right - When I think of the child being from him I feel sick - he's nothing to do with me - but what happened - The last time I was proud and mightily in love though actually Roy except for how unpredictable was as much a goon. It was my bold fast-moving adventure. And this is a side-lined forty year old ashamed of herself. Deeply deeply. Whether it's saying the next thing is to go away alone with it
Habit of speaking untruly, from wanting to win against her. When I think of his presence or of the child being like him or with him, I feel sick. The thought of sexual touching is nowhere - I don't like the shape of the organ - I jumped away horribly from the mouth touching my mouth - it's getting quickly worse - I don't feel him real, only like a con I can't sustain. What's the relation of real likings and bodily happening and this deadness and his having nothing better to do either, wanting to make Becky's child - I want to make Jam's I suppose - he's kowtowing to have a chance at it. Rather than shame take action. Valiant acute subtle active youth. You haven't got your full particularity yet and when you do you'll be interested in the particularity of your connection with everyone you know. [film notes] 15 Done in a way I didn't like - his half-hearted organ and masturbation jerk and I was grim. If I'd done it with her, two laparoscopes, a biologist found to fuse them - the joy of our friends - a certain girl - old eggs, 1 in 30 chance it's Mongoloid - how would it feel - did I have to work up with summer flirting to get the chemistry for it. I did feel she was in it occultly, she brought the papaya and dragon's eyes Friday aft and phoned whilst. "I'm doing it the only way I can" yelling on the park bench. "When I saw how you were about it I didn't want it any more." "You won't know you're in it and you have me alone in the risk. You're a coward when it's not bluff." "To go on being with that possibility of speaking and hearing speech looking closely at body and face." As if I have done something to free myself. Whether in me the well-tuned body is flighty and only fourteen. Laiwan's fine-grainedness - the day she wrote - here she has what I found about tree, sea and cave, she's got format and doesn't worry anyone sexually - we give her what we have.
I've done it again because someone neglected/rejected me. I've suicided into a pregnancy that will spite them. - Roy phones. Dream coming back to bed, lie down by mistake in the nearer couch, Nina's, get shit on me so if I lie down now in my own I'll dirty it. Trying stopping writing as worried self. wrygan to strangle 16 I want to be a poet but I don't know what that is - Roy says - Kevin working on Shelter for single people - "I wonder if Ellie is still alive." Current a graph countermotion inherent. Milk and a limp The equations of motion The equations of motion --- --- --- balance Light grey The e qua tions : of mo tion 18 [Cheryl's the first person I tell] C at her show. Little withered kiss. "Good." Was it Elizabeth.
What I don't know - as if it was one way until after my first show, the petals - and then when I was back after England she wouldn't hear and I wrote salt and then RM - that was the last of the Valhalla happiness. She went to the politics group, asked RT to her house and wouldn't make love any more because it was childless - but is there something else. "Somehow use it to prevent the other person from developing a too-incredible joy, if the well-speaking would be too developed you would feel too outstripped - that started my language being abusive." Sitting with my head turned this morning remembering there was a street I had my hotel in, this street isn't it, it's through there some streets on Fried Friedhoff - number 58. Creeping sounds last night. My wedged door scrapes. "Are you having a hard day today?" Someone I don't see, a kind hand on his arm but the smell of his clothes stifles me. "I'm finished I'm finished" - sobbing, bony - I'm telling him what I've done to him but he's not imagining the cannibals - "You've cut off your feelings because you're afraid" - wondering when I hear this line whether it's another form of two systems of explanation for complaint and defense. "She hadn't the strength to put sanity into the things she said and did" - Bates. 20 With J somewhere I've woken with my hand on her balls but I don't want it, it makes me sick. Rhoda saying something about my writing. 21 Sunday - thinking about it and cancer. [There's a lump in my left breast.] A high tree, evergreen, I'm standing on an upper limb, there's something I have to attach up there, it would be safer if I took a rope through here and over that limb, to hold onto - the long white rope is pulling up the circular metal staircase - picturing the triangle of the rope into the tree and back down to the white sailboat - saying something about how interesting the rope looked on its way up - the rope suddenly pulled down, they've activated the sailboat, sheets, surrounding it ready to sail away. It's as if in a car his present includes what to me is the immediate future.
None less, it appeared, than the perfectly Good could help the Lost, and to do so they had to sink in sacrifice, even below them, to become the objects of their pity and compassion. That the universe could not become conscious of its unity until the principle of communication, which was the kind of love she had made me aware of, had been injected into it. The thickening is:
23 Yesterday the solid doctor who says "I don't think you've got cancer." Going to Michael. He comes in as I leave. Says he can't say anything but he does: "You're alive now. Thinking about what you might do is crazy." I say I'm thinking I don't want to share it. On the corner when I say "I might, but I don't think it's you." He's cut and goes. Is that it. Then finding her book on the stairs. He creeps back, insists, I feel sick. At night both breasts sore. The book loves us and also takes without scruple what I invented in her time, but giving it again: inspiring: ends with the letter that says. Peace. Able distances. Tele path Phone this morning. 24 Today I only like the last nettle and the cloud for silence. I wish current would have music. Michaela. Worried - I want my younger brain - I seem not to be able to learn Eating against nausea. [notes on film assembly that became Notes in origin, then called Steady attention] At Hon's from 5 to 11 in trance, the others changing around us. [with C] I get to talk about sickness, lumps, the hard time with Jam - the unreadable writing - not being a writer like her - "whose voice is more charming" - "don't want to go into your madness and loneliness" - the mix of reasons - and then she has to talk about them - blood jetting out of her neck - one step and into the other world of nightmare and death. 27 Bull as tree and torn apart / next to Persephone. In the years - both your wild amplitudes of fear, pain, interest - our great worries. 28 Would like to be impeccable now. What do I have to solve - this room - lower bed - light - some green - bedcover. Illness, strength, eating Maybe swim, sunlamp, vit Loneliness Connection and money - reading - Conflict because it is them in me in a way they have been, that divides me and makes me mistrust myself No one fought for her - the two of them 4-5 Losing place and language; what I did then to Luke
Give up eating love child Brain damage cancer Trust myself / revise myself I was testing
Intense fear of the openness where nothing is known Dreams If I'd taken x into me and had him ever since as the other person of my split, who I was when I wasn't me
My father wanted me to be a certain way and it made it as if half of me was divided against me
25 A small lump in the right one too I think - the tender spot from years back - the Olson house. Then: if I'm going to die now how do I want it. Still thinking maybe the child is for Jill - could Luke come here and be with me - I could starve when it got near - would like Jam watching with me, Luke could stay with her - disperse the things before - Kurdish rug for Liz - is there enough to sell, to pay for cremation - can rent coffin - ashes to the East Place pasture corner - thought of the place and then remembered the cat's buried there - no funeral relatives - Jam can make a wake - a show I design - tapes - if I had money it could be a party - letters before - J'ai quarante ans, je suis cineaste, je meurre, et je vous remercie de Natalie Granger - catered like Louise and ---'s wedding, salmon, good bread - pot luck, sure - archives to Luke when he's twenty. 29 In a hut, sentry box, caboose, at night, I step in taking the watch, dead people, or hiding. When the woman stands outside I don't want to be found, I can stare into her silvered face. Though she's looking directly I know she can't see me through the wall. Her nostrils flare. Does she smell me. I step out. Turn right and walk a small distance, she may be walking on the other side, as if of a flatcar. A double bed, the corpses sitting up in it, man and woman. Standing beside the bed, a woman behind me, shadowed sick face. Why aren't you dead? She curves her hand over her belly: pregnant. The corpses are alive and young, speaking, a sand-haired woman, the dark-haired young man nearer. Their faces stiffen, dead again. I put my hand on the man's shoulder looking into his face. Suddenly he grabs me - his face shows through to closed teeth skull - I wake with a flush of fear running up from thighs to chest.
pari diz to mold form willow Persephone, Hecate etc. [pages of event summary for journals 1979-1984] 1st November 1. the social competition - the Absent One - the photograph 2. useable minds 3. plausibility Thrillingly dream an invisible double who during an instant leaving the room with the door open turns off the light, takes her purse that was hanging on a coathook, takes a letter from the desk. A travel with a body hidden in a bier of cordwood, resting by the road with it. She doesn't like me reaching to the top of the cupboard for the lemon pie but there's only one piece left and it's she who ate the rest, I attack her. Waking: what it was, she never would acknowledge me in, language and thinking. I could write the story theorists would understand. Cruelty and the mechanisms of x-disapproval Duration, minimalism, reflexiveness "fascination with being and reality" Allusion between texts "the I who speaks is not the I who is mentioned" The non-language cinema Language and ego Imaginary and symbolic orders Pre-oedipal society Personal/autobiog Inheriting from the mother the power to make people An alternative trajectory through the oedipal To identify with being a man or to identify with the man's image of the woman - but a refusal is actually impossible in the real world since we're living in a patriarchal order 'imaginary plenitude' Sexual differences in looking. The feminine closeness. Masquerade excessive fem. - [seems to be a gloss of Jam's book, sexions] 1. drawn in the way she likes, water and constellations by refracted light 2. I'm in the picture of our pluming field 3. but the words say hiddenly I am, I am a man 4. 'a man's body' a body from literature the puns say: a body you may mistake will hold you more
7. transliteration historic english into phonetic: partly 8. it now seems advice to herself
12. the pronoun is left out so it can be 'i' 'the inequality of gaze my spirit often suffered, many men looked at me, it was quite sad that my body was of no spirit-use to me' - my prizes for artificial intelligence
14. and then rhoda moves in 15. writing I don't understand 16. something for sandy 17. juniper. Somewhat as the central nervous system of the cosmos 18. breaks down 19. sill-wet. sublimin 20. ellie mammary. the base of it seen. it's mine too. thick cover the body pathing 21. the girl, uncensored 22. impressions count, because power imprints the underworld: those spirits uncertain of their being whose influences we nonetheless feel most intensely nekyia 23. the tough giggly 24. able distances - The famous ain shems eye of the sun, a well of water fed by a spring in the immediate neighbourhood Aine or ane from old Irish an, 'bright' 'go nearer' in attention be a clear air near it around its head why I must have her next to me or be somewhere else, to have that mind I love
when she could flare me and I fought she's driven into anyone's arms, someone will be born ellie mammary. the base of it seen, it s mine too
Why did I scream 26 Aug. She read what she had written before I came in. I found my fingers pressed over my mouth and my eyes howling. She understood, she said in quite a cheerful kind voice, 'Don't cry, you can do it too.' - Naming being another creation If Inanna wishes to return she must provide someone in her place. Homonym There you are in pure space, hearing, thinking, and seeing but speechless and without knowledge And then the effect of tears - a glaze
When you need an ideal image for orientation
You listen in a way that's not attuned So the gift of the image is that it's a place to see what your soul is: it's something to see. The hermeneutic move made the craziness. If we imagine ourselves engaged as artists in life. Having gratitude for what's given. You don't have to be creative because the psyche is already that. As a good host one immediately engages with it and wants to know where it came from, what it's come for, what it's message is.
It's the loving impulses that Being robbed Envy and hate are hated
Destructive impulses are felt as directed against self That is, when integrating them, one feels exposed to destruction (hate and envy) (guilt and anxiety) (defense
The first relation was - getting goodness and giving badness Maybe - in lack - the young one feels the mother body has kept the placenta and cord The grown-up is independent, willful, therefore has it
Love feeling is unity, understanding: wordless
an archeologist's excavation of some dwelling place that has been destroyed and buried or of some ancient edifice Her fantasy that sex brings her power. Grandiosity, hurt and loss.
The need for pressure to complete: a pressured birth Sexuality is initiated in the womb through the sensations around the umbilicus Confusion means a lie The ego ideal through another, extreme fantasies: gods and devils
In the terror of acknowledged abandonment
Evaluating others by - whether they can give back the lost and make competence feeling - restore identity it is The loss - it's they who The child who is unsatisfied with her image, because it has not got from others what is needed, can:
Once they stop trying to get what they don't want, start to get what they do want
'Split' is hemispheral, verbal and nonverbal Verbal say, wouldn't register what doesn't agree 'Conflicts' - emotional prostitution if passive - guilt, if defiant, self-concern
Repression is of - what doesn't coincide with the logos
Some people mourn the loss of their cord the rest of their lives The contradictions are experienced as hers, the baby's
Refusing separation: imitation, projection Endorphins and myelinization are associated physiologically Dis cord
Natural childbirth movement 1960-64
- Experiments cannot take us to the ideal core of a theory and they cannot take us to the repository of the theory's meaning.
Cells responsible for each new tissue acted as independent math sets A complete knowledge of the amplitude and phase spectra of a function
- Stand in the free position Sensitive and strong and our sensations rich and powerful Concentration light and skill An inner sun radiating feelings which warm and pervade The levels he says, surface, identifiable, located - closely attended to a tough or holding back - gently melt through - an open melting At the 'centre' there is no subject-object relation When a judgment arises use it as a signal to go deeper into sensations and feelings [Odiyan information] - The nest of the story
- by custom called her daughter sister the Christmas tree was a pyramid 'a presentation' All souls are married to Jesus: mother and husband Those who rose to leadership in the church ... understood the symbolic meaning a table placed before Heaven worshipping Heaven and Earth her candle and his
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