| dames rocket 6 part 3 - early summer 1977 | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
When I said you had to clean up your language I only meant I want you to come out. The dead language is always a cover. Not to go out / to come in more. Apart we continue to converse.
"Something has closed!" I'm shouting with frustration. "Wrote something morbid about not roaring too."
Technology of friendship
The 'homecoming' of the mystic One of the first developments of homecoming is when the Sufi shows signs of perception. Ian. Truth could have gone to him and said, do you know anything about this? There was no language for it. Interest. Metaphor a way of being allowed to say what you see rather than 'know.' Obedience - everything that happens has to be gone through. Everything that comes has to be taken all the way in. With that writing I was afraid they'd see more. Therefore I knew it wasn't good, right. T. You'll have to see I told her. You're very welcome to look.
Telling is knowing. When I described a dream to you I saw it better than I ever had. Were you thinking of me lifting you when you told me the story about lifting the pianna. - Modulus of transformation. Matter and thought. Physics number coefficient or quantity that measures a force, function or effect. Modulus of elasticity. "I can hear you thinking. The rhythm although not the content." Oh I also thought, maybe I can leave some of this research to you for a while and have time for other things. She says - men and animals, plants and angels making a circuit. - Stories told in one afternoon. The story of the room, the story of the bag / the horses, the story of Jerry's bag, Andy self-made. Yours: crying for your mother. Luke's brilliant way of acting out a story rather than telling it. With Luke the boredom and brilliance. It's a question whether to ever try to be with him if I'm not moved to. I don't. Ooo. I said "Why don't you fuck off you're just wanting me to pity you." From upstairs he shouted, hurt, "And I don't want to fuck you either." Why do I want to give this story away to you. It hurts and it's cute and I'd tell it cute so it wouldn't hurt. -
It is possible to imagine a dog dreaming with such energy that a distant hare was actually brought down and killed. A place he goes a half dozen times a year, for 10 years. "When I'm there, I'm not surprised." He has a job there. A few minutes to half an hour. "I am simply there and then I'm not. In that life I am simply there, whereas in waking life I cannot escape the feeling that I am living or at least sharing a life somewhere else." In herd animals a few minutes of very deep sleep. The numbers distributed so that if one is flopped down the one next to it will be in lighter sleep. What I was trying to tell you was that your scholar word intimidated me but I knew at the same time that was an ontological panic I had to do something with / or not / in me. Darkening. Histories. I saw paths. Cheryl's story of the paths at Roberts Creek telling a different story of who visits who this year. "She hopped into my arms." A tear coming out of a dead person. I knew it was a story she'd told before but I looked at the picture anyway, as a picture. Being willing. What do you do with people you can't sail with? Hating the worship in people's work is hating their freedom on account of not having it. To show yourself loving yourself / life and beyond. To love and understand. The questioner and the one with answers. The dream of evil and its connection to them. Power. Taking on their damnation with their power. "I don't mean I think they're damned, but I think they're afraid of something." The last salon was the showdown, would the forces of them or the forces of me. They bled me before it, as if deliberately. I knew I wanted to kill Cheryl for it. It was using acid to see my work that made it possible to break out.
There were so many things left to fall into our privacies today, we were managing, and it made us stupid. And anyway there was all that place, the first island, family life our drug. Escaping it, into the forest. The blond and clover fields, the faded school barn swallows or some bird a lot of them flying and shrieking, the high ceiling school. The woods low ceiling piles of stones in its dark, a wire fence bent squares there among the dry jungle branches - had woken from a dream of an underground cathedral strange gothic with some activity - commercial? - sleeping in the high ceiling room on moss. Woke early and was happy to see sky - there was a friendly woman in the sleeping bag with me, under her belt a nice skin. The other place, roads chosen wisely, to Mud Bay, not mud, no trespassing, I pushed to trespass and there was the dry south slope, lichens underfoot grass with big loose heads, a stone like a cube room on a little base I listened into it and seemed to hear something, there was a forest higher on the slope; and the two ruts, and a lot, and a broken cliff. All the small plants of a dry meadow. So sweet-smelling sea and a sudden joy at the pebble beach with such colors and perfect stones place. Jam at the stone and I came with my pockets full of the stones which she didn't feel, like not seeing the plant like an angel. Here I destroy a symbol like the tulip. Almost create the symbol to be able to destroy it. Yes, he [Roy] was a complete defeat of loving nature pushed to learn to fight cheat and lie. Close all the openings. And so it will be again. I like you. Not only. A generosity that asks for it back. But three of us looking at Luke's fine drawings I liked. Luke singing and Ezra the good dog wagging all its body. Gently "I want to continue to be attentive to you." "And I'll try not to be sentimental and not to hold onto things." That little creature with its naked underside, curling up so only two ends were touching the log, letting itself down, lifting its skirts and dancing. The mottled slug moving fast on the bridge I made it. Four antlers, penises should be like that. Her eyes are, I think they bulge forward when she's closed.
Sentiment is naming it conventionally, domesticating. This is the fire of love which purifies, which is different whenever it occurs, which sears the marrow and makes incandescent the kernel. The ore separates from the matrix, and the Perfected Man emerges, altered in such a way that every aspect of his life is ennobled. He is not changed in the sense of being different, but he is completed, and this makes him considered powerful of men. Every fiber has been purified, raised to a higher state, vibrates to a higher tone, gives out a more direct more penetrating note, attracts the affinity in man and woman, is loved more and hated more, partakes of a destiny, a portion, infinitely assured and recognized, indifferent to the things which affected him while he pursued the mere shadow of which this is the substance, however sublime that former experience may have been. But what does he love? - On the ferry looking down the white mesh with blue something - a green corner flapping and on the other side of the blue things a shadow flapping then horizontal things white line, a flat plane with a little grating to show it flat - all the other planes tilted up and down, the window reflecting a railing. It was a down into something a sensation of standing on ice. Our shadows at another angle cutting over the foam. Some painting. [sketch] - The red bridge. How its [diamond-shaped] overhead fold back panels of blue sky and clouds. Going on a curve from it there was a moment when the sideways struts [parallel] which had been aligned so light didn't show suddenly opened up. - Only on occasion will the mind escape from the machine. Who is liberal doesn't need to be valorous. The sadness of separation from the Beloved.
I touched her with that. With both. Now she's trying to deny. And I was letting her. Out of my own weakness. Quality. Can you see it. The choice of infirmity. Water needs an intermediary, a vessel, between it and the fire, if it is to be heated correctly.
Insights and intuition. But you come from nondimension. Close the first shop, open the second. I was backing away unable to stay in the size of it. Six books of poetry and imagery of such power in the original that its recitation produces a strangely complex exaltation of the hearer's consciousness. Every thought has an action.
Legist - learned or skilled in the law. To work with love - does that mean attraction? Shut your mouth against food, that you gain the food of the mouth. Rumi, the inner reality which is truth, and that he calls love. Poetry as nutrition, and not for the poet. That's later. El Ghazali the spinner. Trance Dreaming. A person must control his thoughts in a dream. The training of this alertness will produce awareness in the intermediate dimension. Foretaste period. Sufi - the need to spin, to work on one's materials. Music - not for emotion, but for raising the roof. The essential self, the accusatory self, the peaceful. It has different functions. If I want the work of obedience and directness I have to be very exact with it and also I have to remember that people will be furious/contemptuous and more. The sincere are too slow to both reply according to calculation and know for themselves separately.
Falling in love a lot means that the instinct is wrong or more likely that the person has a trauma that forces them to abandon what they saw. Becoming deaf. The head shutting down. With Paul we were both in a consciousness we liked, that was a blooming safety for me because I felt equal. But forced betrayal. And betrayal shut me. When I shut it is accepting. The structure I don't understand is that I fear to find someone is more intelligent than I am (that's the basic structure) and I long to find someone as intelligent as I am. The composite of study, imagination and human interactions. Listen, do you know what happens. Am I talking to you. I am between times, fallen, I know a sense of right being that I don't usually have. When I find myself out of it I grieve until I have it back. The beloved. I met you in that place I like, the transparency. And then I met you outside it. Being lovers is a work, a personal work. We see each other in an advanced, inner way. We see each other's souls. And after that recognition strive to remake that vision of each other and ourselves. She always had her right being, she tells me. Was one. Who was Sandy. A happy love affair, with one occluded? That is not happy, and you were not only powerful. But your story may not be true. I think you don't know yourself, you were in a right being until ----. You're the same as me, you think you were -. We both want to make up a trauma that stopped us. I am only starting to become someone who can be with. I was with, but like Maggie, I can't sustain the vision. A sudden surprising recognition of love so rare and high the heart seems to sprout wings.
If you love me it will change your life. It is a Way. If I love you it will put my life on a line, a dangerous game. The rules will be mostly meet at your house until you know you want it. Always a careful context. Yes. Protected. To see the released person is blinding and terrifying unless you're there too, ie equality. That terror drives you to stop. Work shows level. The game and work is both wanting as much as we want and resting easy on. Artemis you see all the snow. - Seeing angels is a deathly fright. Not go into anxiety unless able to find. Not go into history and its anxiety. Not It seems to be I gambled and lost. I want you. I trust it. I want to make a bridge with you. I called you for that to see if I would scare you or everything but this is compromise. I challenged you. Do you want to do that or not. If not say so. You said you would like to but you didn't think you could. You don't know if that's fear. I was crazy with cold and grief because you said no. All last night was rationalization. Yet in the afternoon I woke happy. "You said I want to be the one but I don't think I am."
Do I ask for too much to change? So - if I take it on - if I take it on - I can't lose because I am in the mode that doesn't lose me - what I take on is the knowledge that we saw each other and showed each other and that you were frightened and I was frightened. Did you form an opinion in those times that I was less than you or was it a fullness - both happened. But when I see you less than me I know you are at another place. You were bewildered at your vision. What I'm going through is the same as you but I knew it. Don't worry Jam you and I have the same absence of middle. We were tempted to stay in the middle which is ego with each other, because we can do it there. That makes a different circumstance we have to watch. Olivia and I met. I leave her out of my histories because of our failure to go on meeting. We met and were not lovers. We met well and lovingly until you got what I wanted. She has always been lonely. She will always say she prefers to be lonely. Olivia stuck to the centre. "It is the first time in a long time I've seen your soul." The friends I have already. T says everything that's going to be there is there at the beginning. So it isn't going to be sexual for me? Only angelic. My task is opening confidently reclaiming the stolen trust.
Trudy do you have times when you can't find your way with each other. Veiled from oneself. The panic was your denial and my fallenness. Wanting not to protect it is your gamble. Listening in memory to hear the quality of the voice. "Why didn't you know." "Because it seemed to me that we flew." Anxiety must be true as well. There are different minds and each of them will have a different version. I was looking for Maggie in her past, I don't look for you there. Olivia, I wonder how you are. Tonight for the first time in years I had such a strong sense of what kind of friend you've been in my life; I thought of how we were when we first knew each other in Ban Righ, the happiness in the park kicking leaves. It was joy like falling in love. It was in fact exactly like an unsentimental falling in love. [1963] And after that the power struggle, my descent into self-doubt, it is the pattern, my first fall into friendship and how it confused me. Finding and losing. We both want to know. Do we have to lose. Only up to a point. Lost knowledge. You were more lucid than I was. I was crippled with fear. Desser, Roy. Stayed there. The question of who's more being is only important because if it's unequal there's a danger of losing. That unequal has to do with politics. Whose reality prevails. That's what power struggle is. How much more open I am with you.
Understanding outside is as much a task and mirrors exactly, what is done in one realm is done in another. It isn't impatience it is accuracy. She thought about the fluency. It can be both desperate impatience and a perfect accuracy? I have the choice of words. Can you choose that one.
The acid love vision.
Housekeeping They are all there at once. The ontological scare. Deciding what I have room for.
Wherever the incest motif appears it is always a prefiguration of the hieros gamos which attains its true form only with the hero. Passion on the other side of ignorance.
Not to be afraid of your man. It is the momentary apprehension of the poetic by the rational. -
Sing a second, a third, a fourth, a fifth. - Eventually to use it to concentrate. - Clocks - ie divisions of time the indivisible. Is being continuous or discontinuous. To be discontinuous would mean to have experience of discontinuity. That moment when you were not. Softly humming quartz crystal clock. Atomic clock, registers the slightest deviation in the earth's rotation. Use vibration and radiation to measure time. The eye and brain can analyze events by fractions of a second. It's tuning - learning it does whatelse. The loss of self in love (making) is on account of believing myself an impermeable thing whose boundaries aren't safe - somebody might despise me for having let them in - followed. Trudy you have to defend. What if you didn't and the strongest mind, which is really neither, one and worked that would be becoming one mind. Whose pleasure is irrelevant. Surrendering to 'god' to be allowed to. I do want to know about the rhetoric. Rivalry with Olivia. I was afraid of her successes because I didn't want to be as she was but wanted her successes. -
Vertical/elevation. Horizontal/plan. Vertical/profile, end. - I was willing to be with you in that safe middle where we are still hungry because I want to make safe passage with you through all of us to go more confidently to the next place. The debt of right stories. - Worn clear of mortar by the stress of years. -
- This essence must be separated from the body first, then combined with the body. That is the Work. Start with yourself, end with all.
All of them have to do with willingness not to preconceive, and attentiveness
Imagining the women's movement passing knowledge on one to another. - A very tall old man The dark side of twilight They say that people who are near death die generally at the change to the dawn, which in a way is like the turn of the tide. To make up my mind Unless my senses deceive me, the old centuries had, and have, powers of their own. No shadow and no reflection I felt myself struggling to awake to some call of my instincts. Focusing some account, as the auditors put it We do not speak of it. I do not know, sleep has no place it can call its own. Nay, I am deeper in death at this moment. The criminal always works at one crime. That ruddy vampire sleep Dracula. Elements, beautiful women one doomed, one saved by her intelligence and honesty, three phantom women, glad to be released. The lone count, fine-looking but with a cruel mouth. The doctor and his version John. Jonathan and two more of him. The doctor speaking broken language like a young child, a learned naïve. There is a falsity around the noble women, is the author homosexual? "Mind like a man, heart of a woman." A lunatic twinned with the count as John to the doctor. Two locales.
Boxes. Cells. Trains. Wagons. Rooms. Transporting and sterilizing boxes. Opening boxes and graves. Power. Creatures awake at night, in the daytime are in their boxes, like cribs, insentient and helpless so the relatively powerless can get to them. All the journal and record keepers. The pleasure of voices. The first section at the castle is concentrated solitude all writing for sanity. Come out of it in an atmosphere like stoned dread fearing my 'friends.' Sat in the bath and remembered their feelings. Do the feelings make them phantoms as Don Juan says or show them not phantoms, as others say. What does a hard mouth actually mean. Refusal to tell. - a new Hungarian Rhapsody which would make more of an impression on the BBC, but he replied with a little smile that he thought this piece would be more impressive than a rhapsody. Grubili - 5/4 on one hand, 3/2 on the other - Now you begin to arrive in me again. By the end of Dracula they're there. The vision of evil visited at night, at a table. There were three, who turned to look at me and I closed out their memory. On account of these days. If I try to take all experience seriously there's this fear and interest in power. The distress of not knowing whether the interest in power is the thing that loses the soul. Penelope and the tarot of making off with the swords. She too. Long anguish of being unborn and unseen. The bewilderment of being born and wondering what for - When you laugh, when I make you laugh, is that a form of hiding. A stop. I look at people to see what they know. The shaman whose face scared me, the face on the magazine up in the attic. Streamers, the organdy flowers, a book with All through the night. The Moroccan, Laing, Elias, Lessing. Could I feed your soul without boring/imprisoning us. - Drunk: the wine drank me. High ceilings are very important for sounds as it were to escape. Glynebourne When a mirror intervenes in our view of a thing it puts us into a different position from our body's point. Seeing the plexiglass on the mirror, I see, in the second version - how it looks from underneath - it multiplies me and gives me both at once. What sort of thing could I look at in a mirror. When I see myself in the mirror I see myself where I would be to look at myself in order to see the angle I see. That makes twins. - Dracula. I think it plays on fear of powers and is one of the counterforce that makes sure only some find. But the woman with mind of a man and heart of a woman by getting the bite of power is able to track the evil. What is evil in Dracula. Suggests that his powers are. He commands animals, doesn't eat, changes his form, can fly, holds Jonathan against his will, drinks Lucy against her will and kills her, except that her will becomes to be drunk. It's underworld. Both women have access to dreaming, trance. Sleep walking. The goodness of the good consists of their faithfulness to each other, self-lessness, mastered fear. He was friends with Elinor Wylie, seems to have been a lover of a famous actor. He became an athletic, literary etc champion. Dublin. Dracula written when he was 50, he lived another - "Later on he will understand how some men so loved her, that they did dare much for her sake." It touches the fear of being annihilated by the power of whoever we love. The stranger whose erotic touch outside social contracts breaks our hearts with desire to have that power always. The power given seen and desired. A strange mirroring. She says memory, which has no life of its own. Innocence, which has no life of its own, destroys the possibilities of the moment. When there isn't good, evil is vanquished. Traveling. Hearing of a place and going there. The name the road and journey the place. - CS Lewis facts about medieval Platonists Bernardus Silvestris a body of people familiarized with certain ideas another seated on a wall and intently making lace It migrates alone and at night. Was dreaming Jam, a freedom in her, one extension of a gull's wing, that was a thought dancing. Woke, it seemed on the other side of a border, to someplace I had seen, falling asleep, the clock radio robot had piano notes making flight-shapes, a gentle Beethoven thinking in me until it was time to struggle up. I sleep easily beside you, your body doesn't interfere, it's a quiet body, was a tall thin girl and is a small slight sleek you. When you sit up there's a flat plane down your back, the hair curves in blades around your neck. On the pillow you have the face of the child with the mother, the sweet mouth, little no-nose. The eyes still stop me. What do you keep out of them. The swallows at Stanley Park playing with the surface. It came to me, maybe they're thinking, they're geometers and metaphysicians. Those who think moving. They remember where they've been, do they have a sense of each other or do they live alone, what's their time.
Pineal makes melatonin at night or in darkness - To enter the subjectivity of the animal. Ethology. The trout. Black/white grey a moment of visual time one fiftieth of a second. Is training in any sense a modification of the whole speed of the being. The act of acquiring time by avoiding death: anxiety.
Find the most constant thing and think. The possibility that season celebration has to do with periods of special sensitivity. - After JoAnn's movie the brilliance of fantasy town, the lights, big dark blue high sky, the space tower, red neon and white, red cars.
J is boring me, she's not showing me anything, I suppose what she is is underground, and we're both despairing in the social, nicely communicating our despair. Paul was more of a phantom than ever. She seems unresponsive or as if depressed, except in the sweet sounds of body.
No more history. What was that time when I came on acid and she seemed to be ahead of me, I was in a fright that she'd decide I was too stupid, it seemed already decided. My speed speeded her and she was magnificent there, it is concentration. It. Thinking. For that pleasure you are hidden from yourself. All the descriptions I despise trying to conciliate the strong changes I don't want to frighten her with. We flounder in stupidity, I have to stay real, testing the concepts on her, sugaring the voice, what is it in this exercise that exhausts me. Her bourgeoise. The expansion of the land, the mind. Our connected being is in shock. -
Forms in Plato = the principles of form Ideas = the ordering principle, structure's essence The meaning Order is not the sum of the laws, but the principle of all laws, the logos or Intelligence When wo/man understands the world it can be an artist in all it does. -
It isn't that you're depressed, it's that you aren't in those places. Where are you. You're willing, you're obedient outside, like me. Why aren't I thinking about you in daytime, something stops me and that is stopping the rest. Not being able to find you, but in body. Talking into the space ahead, not to you. Is it you who went or me. It's not what I thought, the speaking out what's there. Doing that just means the false self takes up more space. At the same time stroking your arm and remembering it, because that is you. Not meeting you come to touch good night because so in distress about the wrong talk. Oh the touching is as good as Oh it's one thing after another there. This? Yes this. This. We come into each other's presence or form of entertainment [?]. Then it's like making love one thing after another seeing where it goes. And it is our own. Not the past, that's the wrong way. I won't find you in your history, you are not a history. You're a very recent past, as the moment before I arrived.
Resist you in fear about whether the mind you'll make with me is one I want. Not making it. Not writing you, what's that. Writing about outside. Talking about Sandy. "We used to be talking on the telephone or writing letters all the time." That shocked me back. You and Sandy are still that. The fight you had with Sandy, kidnapped her. Secret Sandy. "She and her friends would be there, I'd be at the dining room table working, I could concentrate." We don't talk on the telephone yet, maybe we never will. Not ready to leave the last beloved and I haven't been ready to find out about it. Cheryl and Trudy have to be given. I didn't ask for Sandy and you don't want me to. Oh if I start to chase you down will you run away. "I was too tyrannical." Loyalty. "Do you think I'm vulnerable to you?" I answered wrong. It gets stopped in the movement by little hitches, something is evaded misunderstood blanked. I was mad at you because we. I was necking with you in the kitchen, when she came in I ducked my head. "Vaguely pissed off." Didn't write.
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