| dames rocket 6 part 4 - summer 1977 | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
Assume that his need is more important 'because he is a child' and ideologize that mine is, as, and so am guilty on his account and he bores me, ie I've gone away from him. - The knowledge that I'm protecting is that we need each other from basically external reasons, you to hold off Sandy's formation with Stephanie and I to hold off T and C's refusal. When I imagine it stopping that's what I apprehend, their seeing my failure to replace them. Wondering whether to tell you this blank or to give it as a real gift when/if it's changed: your so heavy animals, there are such contrary things going on a deep hope and a determination not to be conned, and it lives somewhere in there. Mistrust. What moves me in you is the private resistance. Earnest creature. It's to imagine what there is/was to protect yourself from. - Always some kind of terrifying narrow bridge that leads from one cosmic sphere to another in whose depths the neophyte can glimpse the bleaching bones of those who lacked the absolute psychic balance required.
Waterfalls as power sources. - These are times when failure is visible. Snuff movies, Wain. - A sweet evening. Swallow dived. Mouskouri making Greece of the rose light on the far town, the wooded hill. Coffee putting heat into this body. I have never come together with anyone. The sky is such a vivid paleness. It is summer night. Luke is somewhere near cutting paper, little scratchings. I saw you unseen for a second crossing the room starched shirt brilliant white under your head. One cherry shining in the tree. The accuracy, you said you woke at 4:30 knowing something. I'm writing for the pleasure of saying it in this slow way. I woke happy. The sky even more intense. A flock twinkling. Our houses across town, near parks. There's a big plane coming down low with such a lot of space he's not in. Hey I imagined you arriving on the yard and coming out to meet you not knowing whether to hold you, looking at you and caving forward. The patience in you. The movie I'd like it to be made so my old friends would say I always knew those things somewhere - The face you had on then frowning not frowning thinking about some task. On the phone to Joyce you're intimate but put your tight pants on they're a little damp inside but not like mine. Hey coming back up you dear person you stopped my little greed. Little one. The bird. "No Ellie the cat will get it!" Both pained but I was bluffing out of helplessness. It crying. Why did I rush to get it. I wanted to feel it. Maybe I thought you wouldn't like it. Guessing that it was algebra was lovely. When you're on the pillow you have a smile that takes in all your face. The dressed smile is never that. Wanting to know the thoughts of you in your tower but you don't seem to need to tell them. Edging toward the centre, doing the work of the middle, yes it is important. Teach me Chinese? It's a difficulty believing how the world is giving me friends at last more than one and rightly. This body that will be willing again, when I am. Is it possible to have a sense of person without also a sense of despair. You in there come to your surface willing to be with me flashing present on all of it. Oh to have given you greased lightning. There's a pose in this voice, what is it because it's a letter and there's a little narrow eyes looking at it saying what is the pose. It's because I want to recall it but it isn't here now, something else - wants - holding back from believing in all the moments, and yet believing. A peace arriving. Watching the awkwardness of the unbelief acting dumb. Pretending not to see you and so not seeing you. She said liking, in algebra, to see the right attack and then not taking it but getting lost in a different effort. I couldn't imagine that. We shy off testing wits, although we both want to know how far we can fly we don't want to find out you can fly further higher. The problem residing in these days is to find a way to see act and describe according to the understanding that outside and inside are one thing. Experience. That is, to bring it all inside make it meet halfway. I'm writing this carefully for some reason spelling it out. (What is the practice of spelling out.) The inside is not private you see how we interpenetrate still cry amazement when we find it so, but learn to act on it (how did C know, when did she learn), knowing about you from inside me. Solipsism, what was that, Sartre, I know you from how I am with you. The being cringes at the gaze, or not. The cunt periscope.
Reading off the being. This exquisite sense. A description. So literature no longer describes. Much. That's for the poet's use. Blah. Begin again. Wanting to live according to the seamless knowledge of inner/outer tides music the lovely present which at last becomes eternal. Nothing more interesting than obedience. Traveling in obedience. Where am I now, lover, where are we. Traveling ready to leave you at any moment and wanting you to travel in the same way. If you know someone who simply interests you more than anyone else are you up the creek. But I want to know what it said on the typewriter. Imagine setting a question in front of you and saying "What do you know about this." Get it down to the real questions. And you'd say, and I for you. You didn't have a problem for Joyce, in that person. I'm unkempt, stammering. "A discourse on kissing." "Oh, because it is very exact. And it's heads." Being caught in a lie, by the slip. Another pleasure. The uncontrolled. Ah that's an inside-outside thing, accepting as inside the outsideness of the slip, ie outside intention, a consented more accurate intention. Is this a night to be awake. Grass moonlit heads. Plato saying light comes and does something to an object, the eye similarly sends something out. Vision is a fusion of both lights. A kind of fire. And of the organs they first contrived the eyes to give light. So much of fire as would not burn, but gave a gentle light, they formed into a substance akin to the light of everyday life, and the pure fire which is within us and related thereto they made to flow through the eyes in a stream smooth and dense. When the light of day surrounds the stream of vision then like falls on like, and they coalesce, and one body is formed by natural affinity in the line of vision. And the whole stream of vision, being similarly affected in virtue of similarity, diffuses the motions of what it touches or what touches it over the whole body, until they reach the soul, causing that perception which we call sight.
Grass. The little poplars with big leaves, a concrete wall making a blueprint full of furred live quiet things, a grass head bent further down, the head flitted like a moth. Full moon maybe, some blue similar streetlights, country smells. Sense of being hidden listening to the sidewalk. How good to have you in my life. Like being given a rest. And what else. "So you're in love!" [Robin said to J] "No it's better than that." A startle ah I can kiss this person exactly and willfully to move a motion from me into her. Another startle you're there grasping (see it has permission) as fast as it comes. There's time for silence. There's even time to relearn speaking. There's time for the bodies to trust each other, there has never been time, I can't forgive absences. We are not giraffes but we're some kind of brighteyed animals in new young bodies. Bear. You, you're giving me by your patience this sense of time. Consideration. On the sidewalk watching the more-lit front of the houses swivel past faster than the back, the house rotating through an arc the whole depth of city from a point, except that after a certain distance it seems to be moving contrary, ie with me. As the moon does. Imagining a shift in plane somewhere, making that near far sgalloping. Trudy left C onetime to follow Rhoda, and came back and they never told me. Woke remembering how I fled people because they put my fire out. Silence. Extinguished. When all colors become beautiful to me. Shaman used the tree to ladder up or down, the bird in the branches, the snake in the roots. "a kind of reservation" pen corrall messengers between earth and heaven / birds and fish ah pisces the hoop of birds. Amanita muscaria. The fruit of the tree. When they ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they got a true knowledge of good and evil and who could blame them and why would god put it there if he didn't want them to have it. Obviously the serpent was part of the plan. It seems a silly story but what's it for. Hearing it we think oh yes we're bad that bad sense is part of the structure of being and it plays against our curiosity vitality. The badness is attached to goodness, which is wanting to please, the satisfaction in goodness. You have it too. It's a sensation around the eyes and mouth. Does that make it a mask. Tigers help him through the woods. The underlying cognitive pattern of Eskimo art, that of an explosion or growth of energy from a central point. Assumed that each people has a unique system for perceiving and organizing material phenomena. Things events behaviour and emotions. Ie the People of the Cone, People of the Triangle, the Post and Beam People, the Circular. The mast. The interior was ritually purified emptied of all that was profane by the removal of interior partitions and household furniture. My tree came out of my head. The Reminders. The ability to turn into a bird is the common property of all kinds of shamanism. - Teleminuet with C. The minuet of affection.
Tim Whiten a medicine bag containing a whistle with which the shaman can displace spaces outside her. Shatter, disappear and the woman is free to blow her own creations into the fertile space. Bone whistle. She would learn how to stand, how to walk, how to cook, how to pick berries, how to build a home, how to sing, how to play musical instruments.
Symbolic deer antlers are used by the Enets shaman as a weapon for cutting through storm clouds. The Law of Revealing and the Law of Concealing. Combining yet transcending the other 3 states of waking, dreaming and sleeping. Tensegrity constellations of stars and tensegrity constellations of atoms, patterns of relative spaces and critical proximities. At the VGH a plexi circle with a nursing history display in it, the inner and outer surfaces of the thing picked up reflections making a multi-enfolded space inside. Holographic said J. Exactly said I. All of the surrounding space gathered into it. The model nurse and a much more distant darker 3D reflection of it. Holographic because you can walk around it. Her warmwet gush suddenly. We separate as if by fatigue. Apparently we have no way to orient ourselves in space except by using observations of distant objects - in other words, by relating local experience to the large-scale structure of the universe. Precession of the equinoxes.
Brought forth naked and made to ascend. Tore out the heart. Thus steaming the heart was held up to the sun. After this the body was allowed to roll down all the way to the bottom. Possessor of a face, possessor of a heart.
By Einstein relative motion we can think of the sun and earth as either one moving around the other. - Dorothy Richardson's world of interest. Moment by moment mental sensory energy to watch what it is to be in this moment. All the things that happen, how it is. Luke on the sidewalk with Ezra sitting holding the leash wailing. When I asked why, jabbing his finger toward the house. The door was locked. She copied a passage out of Colette about a gold-eyed English mistress researching Sandy whose gifts are all hidden. The little person drove her little car to a political meeting. I can't find the energy of that time, then or now, a bound fury. She was/is less volatile. A gentle heat. After, I am at the desk reading tensegrity lace, resist her arrival, want to push her out onto the street, by my push, to the Greek Islands. The upper tier, other drinkers in the dark, red wine taking the moon tension, when the women dance we fall silent, it becomes a pleasure with you at the corner of the table. Mischief and we aren't women there we're a flashy question, they look to see what we are but we don't show, a bold kiss. We are another kind. Home with a warm flank. Anna's son is cross. On the porch an access to warm and the bed on the back porch. Restless there I went far in dreams. What do you know. Asking, being careful preserving the atmosphere. You sell out. There, I'm not able to describe - how it is up there waking with her. "I find myself reaching" she says. Oh C, telephoning and feeling a gasp and hanging up and calling again and then shining me such a friend's love. Oh. I would like to see them. Of the poems. And giving me warmth in the pit. With all her surface being sound asleep, her essential self looking forth upon its own. She had parted company with that self with whom she had gone about ever since leaving home, and joined company with the self she had known long ago. - Insomniac writing. The private life I like as it is. Not to describe it but to see it: how your face is when you're that child. Could I forget if I keep reminding myself. Looking at it, only that it exists, to exist with it I have to speak and that's what's wrong. Because seeing it is a complete existence on the floor looking at your Marco Polo about the girls who hard bodies who dance to encourage the god and goddess to have what he calls intercourse. They put their legs higher than their necks. She was there on my neck and I was eaten up with eating. Ah the spine crying out for the concentration of kiss and bite closer and farther. The nipples making a space between, then they're nails.
Paul Simon Something so right - Woke red-eyed this morning from dreams of a country (my country) the church and churchyard where people were anxiously preoccupied with hiding themselves finding places where they would be invisible because of something that was going to happen. Another dream of a women's banquet I was on my way to, two heavy women lovers, 50. One was like Eve but I gathered they were Jane Rule and Helen. I was going to go with them. Looked in the mirror saw myself with my eyes sunk and spiritless. That's being afraid Jam will make me stupid, put out my fire. I told her I'd recalled the dream old days when I fled lovers because they put my fire out. C and T fed the fire. When I wrote Jam just now I had a flicker of boggle felt I was lying that no such person is in my life and I was obeying a convention mentioning her at that moment. The waning and returning of the sense of realness. Music. a stretched line and little taps all around it. A scatter graph. Dorothy: The light lace curtains lifted towards her as she opened her door. Subsiding as the door closed, lying passive on either side of the framed landscape towards which she hastened. Hey Jami how about a household with silent grace, the sacraments of remembering allowed among people and not only in hoarded alone. I took it very seriously. The bible reading in his monotone quite priestly without kindliness and then he would talk to god in formal phrases saying nothing of himself. Functionary. It isn't history that makes me sick it's unreal history badly unhopefully uncuriously remembered oh lovely memory when it's lit.
Dreaming going to visit T and C, in a bigger lighter space. T met me in a brushcut, light sharp happy held me around. They said they were working in a factory, C came in had a brushcut except for a forelock both were pretty. C held me against her shoulder from behind. We were irradiated with affection. Dreamed I was partly naked on a bed enwrapped with Janeen, my mother brought Frank in, he wanted to join in and I made a passionate speech about his wife. Runaway water from wall taps. Washing my face in the toilet. If it's possible to be anything. to give oneself fully to god-in-others
M. Flinders (traveler) A Voyage to Terra Australis 1801, 1802, and 1803 in His Majesty's Ship the Investigator 1814 Mathew Flinders Then shape your Course between the North Point of Spectacle Island and Castle William Island, til you bring the 1st and 2nd Church Steeples so near together that you can but just see Day-Light between them. Then take them a ship's length apart and change course He was something of an artist and died in Canada. When the two-seater fell from the sky. Lenity Café
First drew rhumb lines over the whole area, a network of bearings from which the navigator pricked off his courses with a pair of dividers and a ruler Little hinterland detail is shown. Henry the Navigator there attracted around him cosmographers and cartographers to study and develop methods of ocean navigation.
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Those I keep out. Luke. Rudy. Mother. The anxious times. Most of college especially the first year. Being attached to Roy, Ian, Andy. At home. What a strange thing we're doing. Taking each other on, putting each other into 'relationship' - studying that comparison. It is called love, and love comes into it sometimes but in fact it is not love it is a sort of moral work. I'm trying to see it so that I don't fall into emptiness inside the shock of it. The question in us is, Do we want it to be long or short and in fact we both want it to be long and serious but we're not sure it is. We're telling ourselves we don't mind if it is short and wrong, so long as it's true; but we both worry that we'll find something in ourselves to stop or break it. Also we worry that we'll spoil it by wanting it to be long and real, ie that we'll start lying and get lost. We're at a time in it where we are still feeling and watching for where to find each other and how to make our meeting house the place at our frontier where we like ourselves. I've always been afraid of how different I am from other people, yet the more I am different the more I like my being. That experienced soul J says is having a soul at all. Sometimes I don't know who you are and whether my 'craziness' my self will scare you away so you try to stop it. I alternately don't know whether you want your own self enough to fight for it and so help me stay in mine. The axis these days are on precisely the question about being clear/open/real/awake/direct/a self. 'Love' is the first attempt at a community maybe normally a mother and child are that. He is as closed as I am these days, acts the irrelevant child until I can't bear him, I must have been doing it to him, or is he in a kind of shock in relation to me, or is it his friends that are making him so idiotic. That and school? Anxious. Does it come from actual stuck parts of the life. Practical difficulties - I need much more money, and to send Luke away for longer, also a place in the country - a boarding school - MONEY - and to be working more steadily at something.
- Unanswered questions: 1. meeting a phantom, is there any way to turn the meeting without getting lost 2. when with somebody I can see, how do we meet in the places we can see, and what stops us 3. I don't understand what you know about the spiritual push - you recognized it and yet don't push it yourself or do but don't admit it, or do but only in ancient texts or don't want to be different from other people 4. whether, if you see more than me, you'll find a way to teach me and/or I you 5. do I believe the model of bound energy and its release 6. how to not keep fear as part of self 7. 'work' and how it can be connected with the real work 8. what tales are there to write, as tales were written 9. exaggeration of mountains - why must scale mountains be exaggerated - so we'll get a false notion - the models are all by convention willing to lie in order to keep our false perspective 10. what was the meaning of J and parking lots and elevators and record production 11. need a new sentence, fragments are the power of sentence making taken to bits 12. a conception of wave universe - optics 13. what standing do I give 'science' 14. what are your questions 15. how to remember to form the questions 16. how to use what's found 17. what to do with the adjacencies in this writing - my work is maybe adjacency - so the medium is not relevant, the question defines it 18. take seriously the looking for a technology of attention needing to make the world up differently 19. a mighty will in whose service? does god exist 20. how can knowledge not be lost, ie integration of life around the knower, ie taking effect 21. Tiresias, say he or she less conventionally 22. the revision from externality 23. how to get music into us 24. the male twins and the turned-over woman, get Joyce to work for us 25. what to do with vectors and vertices 26. what do Sufis love? 27. faithfulness in association with others, the Beloved, identification with the process of continuous creation, alternation of detachment and identification, homecoming, this force which is a form of Opening 28. a vision of comprehensive action 29. trance and dreaming training, for what questions 30. what was at stake, that meaning 31. is traveling to re(place) place 32. how do people tell stories who don't write 33. the inventive gift 34. what is the Dracula story really about - writing? 35. the evil dream and the shudder at power 36. what is the sense of problem, is there another way to do it 37. do you think about catastrophe? Resources:
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Josie's slides of fence grids and grey and blue - Once again to have a look at what I want and not to be able to have it. To have got her to fight. - In a crack between worlds / is there any form of sudden wedding - that is not (in this place) lying - Oh you see it's just not being able to find you anymore. If I could find you everything would be ----. Thinking of money. Next to you rigid and blank because we are hidden and protected - Artemis what's going on. (I suddenly notice my cold feet.) Describe. I can't find her in talk. Kissing doesn't find itself. What I tell she doesn't hear or feel. Meeting is such precise work among us specialized people. I think I'm willing but she is closed. What she thinks I don't know. This morning her sheer arrival filled me with love. Her clothes headband glasses and the way she sat on the bed and took them off. I wanted to know her forever but as soon as we began to talk I no longer knew her and the intent in my body died. And I began to lie.
I haven't kept up there's a thing in her I have to open because she can't find it, a shock; it isn't what she thought.
What did you have in mind, what did you think you had in mind.
- I want time. I want to climb inside something with her, everything is not right and I want to find her - how much - enough not to borrow money from her. What stops it. Ordinary time. This isn't working. Start again. At sea / rocking. Oh person what do I know about you vast as it is does this bewilderment mean anything. It means open I find I am in some way. What does it mean. Not flying now it is going on faith. You don't trust me but do you think you don't trust yourself. What about Sandy. You couldn't help be ... Hours later, didn't you want me to ask. I had a shock hearing a voice (yours?) saying "Do you think I'm falling in love with you again." Are you using C to do that yourself.
Did we make a mistake or not. What did you do. We 'committed' ourselves. What is that. We came together and she talked about being in love, and I implied I wanted to have a serious connection. What is it that hurts, the feeling of not continuing to have intimate access to her, or the idea of not being connected so that T and C will be friends with me and I won't be desperate. She doesn't thrill and evade me like Cheryl or find her way into me like Trudy, and what she has is that we are two unprepared and maybe willing similar earnest confused people looking for paradise and a mate and looking at each other speculating whether - And what can be made of that, which we mistrust so much. And how can we both get past our mistrust of the way I did this, and she.
You've lost your impetus. Shall I give you a rest. No letters no questions. Connection is letting go. Or one has to? Where is the lovely kissing. Under this is my doubt of myself. Accepting the terror and pain of my separation from 'the world' which by the metaphysics I haven't really worked out is myself. Is that split. Can split people meet. The unwhole how can they. So willing to see / heal. - In a hurry to get the confessions out. Am I being too indulgent, I'm thinking, telling how I thought they were more intelligent than I. Set her up to find out. Maybe we need to do that with them later on. The ways synchronization is made and held and lost. Sandy's crisis. All those years she felt J going someplace she couldn't go, she fought gallantly and was a fertile darkness. A willing resistance. I'm afraid she'll ask. There's a pain. Now I've found it we don't have to do it that way. - The mood of the warrior control and abandon A warrior makes his own mood. For a warrior there is nothing offensive about the acts of his fellow men as long as he himself is acting within the proper mood. Being dissociated from 'people' A hunter hunts whatever presents itself. Personal power growing Power food Power object on the head causes intense dreaming Doubt and nagging There are worlds upon worlds, right here in front of us. To venture into the unknown without power is stupid. If you store enough power, the power finds you a reason. It takes a lifetime of struggle to be by oneself in the world of power. - Look for substance or look for pattern (Pythagoras) Gnostics
An isomorphism between the mythic (a linguistic) system and the system of music - She could see us together and listed the reasons. They were right. - psi factors He produces the future a resonance factor render everything else patent pending Physics, in its present form, is through. This is my thing. Painful identification. We can't bear. Oh Luke how could I bear your pain of missing me. It's a caricature of saying: how can I do it with my mind; I need tanks, I need napalm. War as denial of simple destruction of each other. Did I call you or you me?
She is more constant? Or do I see less. The regular path. Prediction vs description. Detective work is so fascinating because it makes 'the world' seem real, like science and work, ie tests, confirmations, satisfactions.
What's physics. Trying to imagine it all as one thing. I seem to want to go to the furthest out imagination of outside and the furthest in imagination of inside. But what a strange epistemology grows in these days. Days? I have days. What do we know for sure. What do you. An alighting of a pale tiny animal on fine legs (6) with two antennae like a water spider. At the tip of each leg a darker spot. Walking across the page it means nothing. It came at what do you - is that you? I was afraid I'd put my fist on it. It came and went. I forgot and remembered it. And then the imagining of 'me'. I both watch the world. No you see I am in my head at the distance of my eyes. Even touch is measured from the eyes.
Separate above from below. 'My life' in the same way. - electron microscope - fine short wave electron waves, electric or magnetic fields instead of lenses, electron rays focused down through vertical vacuum tube through specimen lights up fluorescent screen. A telescope magnifying glass. Transilluminate only very thin objects. slice a bacterium in plastic. The polio virus, small balls of 1/50,000 of a mm diameter that form latticed clusters. Electron microscope subjects cast deep shadows. field electron microscope - x one million - vacuum glass tube - fluorescent screen - opposite it a fine wire point tungsten. In front of the point field strengths 50 million volt per em electrons caused to shoot off the wire point spread out and on the screen produce an enlarged picture of a single crystal at the wire tip coated with the vaporized trace of the substance whose atoms you want to see. field ion microscope - x 5 million - same but the positive ions cools it, slows it - to see lattice inside a crystal. radiating particles speeded by putting through a field electron volt = gain of energy, 1 electron accelerated by 1 volt by circulating them in a circular course, each pass multiplies the electron voltage. Electromagnetic synchrocyclotron / proton synchrotron. Cosmic rays - mu-mesons - mesons in the atomic nucleus - oscillate between protons and neutrons keeping nucleus together. In outer space energy turning to matter. More than 30 kinds of elementary particles. Energy manifests itself. Making maps of information - Cerenkov radiation, water atomic reactor, elementary particles. Travel faster in water than light, cause a bow wave ie the blue glow. interferometer paper chromatography A spark's moment stretched = a runnel radar - electromagnetic waves' echo smoke in air circuits oscillograms - pictures of electrical oscillation revealing math acoustic patterns in liquids - linear screens patterns characteristic of specific frequency electron diffraction patterns of a crystal cloud chamber bubble chamber - overheated liquid, accelerated electrons aimed at target - photographs of paths of targets' fragments, ions - short-lived elementary particles. cosmic rays scanning electron microscope - slanted beam of electrons - released secondary electrons show 3D - long shadows show slant of beam. Polymers - molecules put in chains - statistically linked, ie random, block polymers are layers - computer graphics - graphic syntax - convert tables of numbers into pictures visualizing functions in three dimensions formulate problems in a new language. "Not just programming language," he says, "but conceptual language where the student is thinking in terms of procedures and sub-procedures and loops and branches and all of these complex ideas that are very powerful." idea of a system evolving, step-by-step, from an initial condition through a series of neighbouring states. "You can actually watch the progress of the algorithm trying to find the top of the surface. For instance, if the test function is a curved valley, you can watch certain methods get hung up and just not move. And you can watch other methods come in very quickly, or rapidly diverge if they're not very stable." A mathematician's mathematician may be at work without chalk or pencil while walking, eating or talking seeks analogies between analogies. Such a person lives by this inner search and by the aid and the appraisal of a small set of peers.
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