| dames rocket 6 part 2 - spring 1977 | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
[Jam and I get together] The multitudes of things that divert the mind from the essential. Said Einstein.
The sight of myself, stoned, comforts me as it didn't just earlier. O the breakage that it makes in the sense of being somebody. It wasn't happiness it was oblivion consent and the oblivion around the fear of that consent. Who are you and your sleepless nights I didn't want to hear about. Compassion for those who imagine me. She thought - why are you telling me this - does it mean you're serious. Help. Yes of course I'm serious I find I'm serious what does it mean assent what does it mean can I give you light in my face what you saw necessary to you, and enough time. This time all the wrong times being afraid to wait. Shall we imagine. I just wanted you to know the feel of this big hand. a confusion. Who are you. What if it could settle into place as in tales. The way to make it is only to remember to stay in it. "That I didn't notice what was there." What was it yesterday that was really happening. I was thinking who's this person what am I feeling what shall I do in this time flying into the conversation stopping myself with jokes drinking wine desperately and unconsciously. Watching you. Obviously not. But humorously? "I'm drinking fast" to see whether you are willing to sentimentalize yourself or whether you are able not to or whether it's important to you not to. What I always scrutinize people for is the sense of whether they're lying. What I am disliking myself for is my sense of how plowing ahead in my semioblivious unstoned encounters I do lie. And those lies are my stupidity which is certainly a mode. But why does it come and what takes it off. Bewilderment is its sign. This is one of the minds that feels it is able not to lie. If it can get the strength to say anything. Or keep up. Our life in color, the round: and excursions into art, which are other people's intentionalities experienced as such. This object insists it was made by ----. [Sketch of a spiking line] That would be a very simple version but the line moves faster and we can't recognize another intentionality and intentionality anyway is just another mode which is to say I make it. - The lie in yesterday was not-saying the direct questions although she was better at that than I was. "Do you think we should become lovers?" "Do you eat meat, I have to know." I kissed her and held her and touched her back out of curiosity to see what the quality of it was. Shopping. Not really assenting. I'm teaching myself not to say we. Borges "The way he closes all the exits." What's frightening about knowing it's a dream. - What being in love is, is taking someone into the imagination and what that is, is having them actually present in your day or night. It's a political act, it confers power. It is real work suddenly taken on: I'll be present to this person. But not to romanticize it what I'm trying to tell myself, it's not a marvel that gives existence to the life, it is not a fictional moment. The damage of stories! I was made to look at my life in order to recognize mileposts, what was the intelligence of those days then? Or maybe the false consciousness was intermittent - none of this is real. The question I'm trying to deal with is [crossed out]. (Writing that crosses out means the person is thinking.) Being in love is also travel, the exotic. Chinese dictionary. It is also a sense of work. Everything depending on / a chance for / lucidity. Journal work was keeping up with the work homework. If someone has no homework what freedom for other play. To build yourself in another. She wanted to know more than she wanted to show. Showing off is when you're bored and closed. "You ask questions," says Trudy, "that's good." The blindness or fatigue is losing the sense of interest in how things work and are. Then the game with the self trying to get closer to something. Looking in people's journals to see if they were records of anxiety. Just ducked when trying to see whether (this irrigates the brain) - lost it. The question I'm trying to deal with is, are there actually any events in a life worth more than others. The sudden intense joys, the satisfactions or not of the very hard hungers. Without trying it out. Because of knowing I want skin and in another place wanting the companion and she was romanticizing. Or was she? Are there any events that should be remembered, reviewed, collaborated on to be made into one memory - only if those events are real and then only cautiously. Those who are never wrong (are you never wrong?) can be bold. The best of a stone is curiosity. And when is such an event real? After it has had its destiny, not before. The hopes I had that were false, and yet they never were false they were always the best journeys but sometimes misread and so ... We were asking questions. The form of the meeting. Look at her she's little little pointed hands little head puts red around it to show the part that's on. - The next door garden. Pea flowers and four white moths. Wings with picture of flying birds and sky on evening. Trudy it's the same with you. Your beauty stops us there so you found a way to puncture it. - [typed]
an oblivion where was it head to head on the carpet was it sleep was it trust and then going away cursing it as cursing the disarmament and no no it was because she seems to think being in love is something and because it's hers not mine and because cheryl came in and I had to tell it or else it would stay
- Light isn't a thing even if it has weight. It does something to a thing that is it is a moiré overlapping patterns. Right now a lozenge on the kitchen floor. At the show, the floor where I put a little pile of glass on the place where light came in and it was like an ice fire the only thing in the room made of another matter. What do you find among the Chinese. The back catcher some kind of net or transformer. Having gone away cursing does mean something. I went away toward the end. It was something about an unreality. Won't let it. Asked Jan what being in love means or is, she said it was a whack on the head and that it means frustration and he's in her twentyfour hours a day. Says it's made Rick more in love with her and I said wasn't that maddening, she said, yes, but it's human, he's not a giraffe. - I'd begun to become Daphne before reading this, and find my alterations toward her in it, and hers toward me. We've kept clear for this while it worked. Remembering the tarot for friendship. - I've just remembered that John and I and Paul and I in our times had complete meetings of the kind I imagine which lay space open around us. That didn't happen with either D or J. But later, the world came open. - Always in meetings, art, I'm trying to judge the quality of the consciousness in what I meet. Always watch the language. She's interested in consciousness. The anxiety is secondary. Daphne's writing when she reads it is hesitant. I've just seen her - she thinks of herself as hesitant and that's the weakness in her face. Under that the energy and vitality of her. She's masked is all. This piece is about fear. Maggie's mask. - Oh Daphne! Yes your sensorium making that writing. And then you slink around the world having them inside that? Olivia 'getting through to' people. The hidden weakness, you touch it boldly. This business of disguises. Is it a business. Something that's run from a desk. Consciousness leaving maps. Is writing etc. Therefore maps are interesting by what they choose to tell as a path. I was so stupid talking about Jewish families and Cheryl, because I was in some kind of secret pain that was there under it all. I had to tell it but not as I did, as a gesture of commitment. Seem to be trying to learn to ask and answer the questions faster. This evolution I'm trying to 'do' or is doing me. Is responsibility simply the sensation of anxiety. The happy man. Cathy's Sam. Hey where are you, headband? Daphne another kind of headband. Daphne's funny contracted face. It means something the way the jaw pulls in. I'd like to spring her jaw. - I'll let the fantasy make itself. In that tower the Chinese Arab girl and a version of myself go into another time in another culture Arab Chinese and she steps out of the banker she is in the world when she gets home. She's her own harem girl sits up laughing in the sheets her Fay Dunaway mouth. The idyllic freedom of friends at all times of flowing day to meet in her house or mine! Or elsewhere. When I wrote something she wouldn't say that's very good, she would say how it was for her. But if I sprung Daphne's jaw forward I would do it more gently than those two did, the pleasure of the actual guru must be a pleasure. But if people go masked - how do you read them by their mask - you watch its discrepancies. This is still the same story as with Maggie. Let a crack show. Letsa crackshow. The confusions of these meetings are that both are partly in hiding. Gently. We're not giraffes. But it seems so close to being translucent. The angel Manuel who came and was lucid. Translucent. Daphne the discrepancy's - she has those Big Guys in her. Say what you see. Impatience. The discomfort of the time between people. "I have always been only one person." I don't believe you. When you're disguised do you really not become the disguise. - Wanting to make/see lace of the universe. That's music. There was a confusion trying to find her level. What about my own. The level has something to do with loneliness accepted. There's the long old scare, that's the root but what's its - that I'll love somebody who is ahead and won't see me. - The structure of my meetings. The difference from Genaro and his heroism is when I meet the phantoms I peer and peer at them to try to see who they are. The psychic message book says you feel into yourself and find them there. They are modalities. Getting it wrong means what? As with Nora. - Don't you know about pain? So deep he doesn't even know about them. Sighting each other Daphne and I seeing the hits and misses go by both missing some. Is she hidden but doesn't know it and that's why she can be direct. Creature, taking you on The multitude of names oh you strange girl "She has a love-name for me" djam-pha A strange girl grew up in a crowded island refusing a bunch of things She looks like Janet! "The spiritual push" "You were just gamely carrying on" The smoothness everywhere soft on the back of the hands "I came with a pain" "And I ignored it" "I ignored it too"
Seeing is a kind of feeling: feeling how a body is flowing inside. But in seeing, this knowledge takes on form, pattern, and dimension. - I send my head down to get it. "Pass it upward from your centre to your head." Brain as advisor not controller. Makes the information available in another language. What is this? Usually it's the first word that enters your mind. "More often they are feelings, or shadow-like forms of a situation." "Past eras represent bound energy, which can be let go if the person is willing to experience its particular quality." Sound. Often they are required because they resonate the flesh in a way that would open it. "Only fear is lost, which the person mistakenly thinks is himself." Daphne working it out on the symbolic level. Dream interpretation. Now interpret the book. "Fantasy is a quality of energy comparable to helplessness." "It was not remotely connected with hatred or with sex. It was fantasy energy." Won't release until the person realizes its quality exactly. The world is an illusion in that pieces you see are yourself projected. - The new physics - the tale of body can be used actually directly. And it replaces the Freudian mechanics. And does it replace art. Pedagogic. Trying to find a way to rescue it as work. In order to have a work and its pleasure of making. Apply a clarity to anything. The things about Daphne's manuscript [Zocalo] that aren't true. The resolution isn't real unless she's done it. - Dealing with the wall. Silver paper. Picture where angle makes light. And as for the Arab woman, she's arrived though veiled. The bear leans against the man he's looking out over the valley the man leans back against the bear that furry hot belly such a size behind his shoulder brothers as in tales. And Spin-o-za the spider looking out of a xerox of a reproduction of a painting right into me, a look like Andy Moostache in love. Mountains, however, are exaggerated 15 to 60 times (more in the lowlands) because otherwise even the highest mountains would hardly be visible. - A map drawn on foil, so the meridians would be canyons. My actual work is responsibility for the things I'm interested in: what else? This is a map of planets or stars on a plane or on a hill - ie curved space. She dreamed of a marriage her mother didn't disapprove. Last night of forests and I of a city, record productions, underground parking, elevators. This bedroom has hope in it like Eton St. Glass, feathers. Want to go flying? Want to go flying. "I took her as far as I could go and she was still with me." - And Carmichael boatman. [Luke]
Why the Chinese don't smile. When I find myself acting like a woman with a man, explaining, interpreting his feelings I should be able to tell something. That there's a diversion going on. G charming. It's a way to be patronizing because of not taking the direct power of the anger at that moment. That helplessness is a false feeling, it is to do with rejecting women's lowliness. What is it about the way my writing fragments these days, the long sentences used to ride on top of thoughts it organized very fast. This mind doesn't trust itself to make any but simple connections one at a time. Actually it is probably more accurate the more it trusts itself to speed. - Waves over entire spectrum properties common to all. Vary frequency and wavelength. Geometrical optics the optics of rays. Virtual image of the power source. As Newton found his work frequently interrupted and knew that he could not complete his experiments, he wrote the third book as a series of 30 numbered questions. She said it, veils in the world. Maybe you don't need to go out of yourself. Interference principle. Colors in thin films. Diffraction colors by a straight edge. Colors produced by overlapping of light from two secondary sources. Birefringence. Huygens' principle for light waves and Fresnel concept of phase Transverse wave. Trans-vertere to turn Aperture. Light coming through. diffraction dis- away frangere to break A modification of light rays when partially cut off by any obstacle or passing near the edges of an opening, or through a minute hole, generally accompanied by light and dark, or colored, bands due to interference. An analogous modification of other kinds of wave motion, as of sound, electricity, x-rays, etc. Young says it's the unperturbed wave messed up by wavelets coming off edge of screen. Fresnel says there are wavelets all through the aperture which have nothing to do with its edges. I shall conclude here with proposing only some queries, in order that a further search be made by others. Form of ordered questions. Cheryl said I'd like to make you bloom, I see your pain.
- Henry. A damped oscillation. Electricity as oscillation. Previously unrelated areas connected ie magnetism and electricity. Now electricity and optics. Magnetism and light: Faraday looked for it. Observed that when a beam of plane-polarized light was passed through a piece of lead glass in a direction parallel to the lines of force of a magnetic field, the polarization was rotated. Other liquids and solids were found that gave the same results. Maxwell. Wanted to find a mathematical expression of the known laws of electricity and magnetism, expressed Faraday's law of induced electromotive forces in terms of fields. A time rate of change of magnetic field gives rise to a space rate of change of electric field. A time rate of change of electric field at a point is accompanied by a space rate of change of magnetic field at that point. Combining these field forms of Faraday's and Ampere's laws, Maxwell showed that electric and magnetic fields do not spread out in space at infinite speed as had been previously assumed but with a velocity in a vacuum equal to the number of electrostatic units of charge in an electromagnetic unit of charge. Maxwell noted with surprise that this fundamental constant in electricity was equal to the velocity of light. Hertzian waves. Radio and radar range, produced.
Choy's hand putting soap into a dish on the windowsill. I don't see him. He has soap, 4 kinds, in dessert crystal. Walking around in the park at the Japanese festival. Wide open and finding eyes also wide open. The happy drummers. Luke found a poem in the journal, said "It's quite a nice poem but I don't understand how they became something else." Inductance. Ability of a circuit to produce induction - Henry's capacitator. Increase capacitance. Condenser. Capacitance property of circuit or body that permits it to store an electrical charge. Farads. Producing or tending to produce an electric current. Difference in electrical potential between two points in a circuit. Field an extent of space within which lines of magnetic or electric force are in operation. Wanting to learn to give out the question right away. It's focus. The structure of discovering that two formerly distinct questions have the same answer. Shear - a deformation of a solid body equivalent to a sliding over each other of adjacent laminar elements. With a progressive relative displacement. Shearing stress. To shear through.
Electrostatic unit - an electrical charge that if concentrated in one point in a vacuum would repel with a force of 1 dyne, an equal and like charge 1 cm away. E.s.u. The recording of the wavelengths of spectra of gases and vapours of the elements was a task of pure science which could compare only with the cataloguing of the stars. X-ray wavelengths of the order of the separation of atoms in crystals. The regular array might serve as grating. Elementary terms of dimensions of tuned cavities or transmission lines expressed in wavelengths. This is traveling. In another discipline. - If a thing is in the air that is a reason to pursue it more. The eye starting to see things in the frame outside the conditioned focus. Fantasy. The man accepting being a woman, by seeing the man in another's woman. How it is in those tiny moments when something shows in the eyes or on the face but is too remote for the being to name or admit. Being secret for so long. Josie and I were in the park jubilating at our sense of our lives in movement. "She No." (Moira singing in Japanese this morning.) Josie saw lines of color on M's back, she knows things I haven't begun to conceive. - C: a warm iron on the moon. - Holograph. Image existing in space between plate and observer. Materializing matter. Materializing an image out of light.
The idea of getting to the frontiers of the form as fast and accurately as possible. To set up a question without parti pris. Easy to sleep next to you, not easy to wake. Writing this stuff is like making sure I've really done the thoughts I had. Do you understand what we're doing? You're scared because you don't quite, you're thinking of it in another category. Do I think the thoughts or do I make them in my memory. The unspoken thoughts. The structure of these days' thoughts is the shuttle between outside and inside. I go out to you and check back to see how much of what I've done outside is right. (You begin to understand.) I couldn't say stop. "Will you teach me not to be afraid." Oh Chris Cordeaux! With Josie, the clairvoyance I get. Her eyes are so clear. Everything is confessed. Doris Lessing and her friend. "I knew you were seeing me. I felt awful, the only thing I could have done was move." Begin to think art is prophecy. Preparation and reminder. I was scared of her piece. The teacher must not be always right. It has to activate the yes/no. Form of the change.
If I take on the clairvoyance of these meetings I'm also going to have to take on a clairvoyance of evil, The vision in the dream, I have to take it seriously. Josie's vision of rats and slugs. Jam's mouse caught tail. There has to be no more killing. My malicious crow. Do you read music, I thought and then that vision. A 'bad trip' is not that, it's a vision.
Brad's birthday, the tough cake, Luke not speaking, Tim expanding joking, Siobhan silent or ironic, Josie and I left with the wine laughing. Razutis on radio. Letter. Nothing can be kept. When I told Trudy about our visions of malevolence she said "That's just your fear of being new." "What did I teach you?" "To know what I know." Then we flew. Every word in a telephone conversation telling. The concept of beautiful. It was just there. Paul Desmond. T and C godmothers. The letter given. "The soft suicides." Daphne saying Carole telling how gracious J was the night before the salon! After, I assumed. One of the rules I'm forming is that if I imagine a thing, right away I know it won't happen like that, disaster or pleasure. Dreaming about packing up. Grandma and Grandpa packing up and leaving their suitcases in a garage. So they are going to die soon? Not that, but that I'm to pay attention to it. -
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The observed fact that an electron under certain conditions can apparently be two places at once. Spirits - have glamour. Astral scenery is built up by the thoughts and emotions of those who live in it. It is in itself as real as any other world ("realm of Nature") but also a world of illusion and that has to do with its relation to another. Puritan - matter and spirit. The early writing was training in calling.
At first all that happens is that the surface of the mirror gradually moves out of focus - 'the tickling of the ant' - tight band around forehead. The curious trick of holding the mind poised and yet relaxed. Two kinds of visions, the literal and the symbolic. "Symbolic seems to be associated with a positive questioning attitude of your mind." "There are certain psychic currents which flow daily around this planet" - tatvas, in each of 5 types one kind of image seems to predominate. In bed yesterday afternoon I saw an Indian boy getting off a bus; a blond girl on a couch with a man, he was reaching for her crotch. Other images are information. "In some cases it may be due to the action of other minds which are passing a message through your inner self into your waking self in this way." - An image without emotion or an image with a knowledge of its meaning "almost invariably correct." A willed interpretation is not. If you get a series which you have to interpret for yourself, it's time to rest. More than this: to some of us who have developed the inner vision, glimpses have been gained of a mighty will in the service of which is to be found true freedom and perfect peace. Flowerarranger! That crow in the park, its beautiful feathers, but its nature as I looked at it came clearer, it was not harmless, but like a small mean mood. It was hostile, an angry tame animal, some kind of frustrated being like a Sunnyside child. Ezra the good child such a lonely lover. Seeing into animals this way, a tenderness happens this time of year, and lovers. I don't understand the loss of knowledge. It is as if this civilization is the same as I am.
A traveling knowledge Or as if I invent tales (by radio, book etc) of civilization to mirror myself. Or vice versa. Some sort of rhythmic plan of creation A dual
Tuaregs!
Those who have traveled alone We don't really know anything, who's in this other, what we're doing saying 'together.' Whether to have faith. It's moral, no ideas Memory the lace-maker Is love simple at first because it has no memory Is a philosopher more primary than a physicist Don't believe that I can see all of you - I can only see some disguises The rest is moment by moment do I like it here? Teresias
In here I thought of the dream I want to tell her that I don't have power over her in that way. Then I thought what if that's the way the issue is kept alive, by holding that mystery, what if she does really exist in another order. But no no. It's I want to compare notes, I want it to be in the objective. We're going to have to go through the time of uncertainty even if it's a right balance, to find out that it is? Others don't care, let it be the life it is. All the speculation comes to this, that we may go into fear and have to stay there, matched, or break. Or else, if we go straight to a work we can please and teach each other in - - Faust? How does he lose his soul? I keep forgetting the primacy of Christian childhood. It was that story more than the structure of mother and father, even? That you have a soul, that by an act of decision you can win or lose it, the central anxiety planted in the thoughts about being as inner an anxiety as can be. How do you win or lose it. You find the boss and petition him. But you must have heard, and believed, the right argument. My central anxiety is that I'll meet someone whose mind can hold me in such a way that they can see where I stop and past it, and I won't be able to know what they know, and they won't teach me because they'll see that I am too stupid and then all my life I'll have to know there are places I can't go - do you know about that? But I'd make you teach me. I was thinking 'in some way I don't realize' what is happening, that I went through the panic/silence/awe with Cheryl and Trudy and that now I can't give it that, but only struggle to believe that I won't be seen through only into. Everything I do these days is making support for this effort to make myself someone who is not left behind. All day I ask myself, do you have a good being, good enough? Comfort is knowing you have the best in the room.
It looked very posed. If you know more than I do you'll leave me and not teach me what you know. I have to have something to teach so you'll stay and teach me because I want to be equal, what I want most is to be equal known confident colleague so there'll be two in the world. Already I miss you and can't call you to come, because I've recognized the fear. I don't want you to be in love because that means you're not taking it on in the same way. It is more important to know. Yes you like to. But better you like to get out of? I was disappointed with Trudy. Ie they don't really think I'm right. We imagine that you have shut down your hope and can open it. Thinking too much? What were you thinking? Memory. What's it for. Making zigzags between times. It's lace but Satisfied or hungry being All day I'm trying to think what it is to be; see things and try to name them. It used to be I was only conscious when I wrote, the other times I took in directly and could call up what I'd taken in and be conscious of it, writing. Perhaps being conscious is the presence of the form of a question in being. How does the question get there? I can only think of external reasons. That is versions, death, loss, etc. Having a need for somebody. I need you because you're a scholar and I want you to see me and I want to see you. Yeah right now.
The conversation with T was awful, I didn't know it but she was keeping me out as much as ever. She was left and I didn't think about it. Ambition.
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You don't decide you're hip it's just a fact of life. Is refusing anxiety just wise or a postponement. Now I compete with myself too. It's a long way to the satisfying truth. I sweeten my voice for her. What is that. Fear. Not reading fiction. I go on as if I'm talking to Josie and hit the wrong level. - Lithuanian folk music - 2nds - without accompaniment. The meaning of clairvoyance. Birthday! Dream of male twins who had an incestuous love affair and wanted to have a child, went to a beach and turned over a woman, and produced a grown boy of 6 or 7, very beautiful, blond with dark eyes and a blue ring at the crown. This story says the dream will be found in St Luke - says she looked in St Luke and found nothing. [Jam's dream]
Socialized language. She says the alternative is silence. Oo baby. Do you know what you want to become? When I said the process was underway she said that implies a trust, because when you're with somebody ----. "You're smart too." "I've been so self-made." "Me too." Her eyes are strange, opaque and without light. Stop me. Josie in the park when we were so happy could see me without her glasses. "Must go see Robin to tell him." Baby you're about to become a father and you want it. Talking about the passive intelligence of clairvoyance. - "He's goin' hurray because his new telescope works." They were indeed truehearted and greathearted, bearing themselves to one another and to their various fortunes with judgment and humbleness. In Plato's paradise of Greece the warrior men/women lived nearest the centre, had no possessions and were looked after by the state. But the Soufs think of Love.
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Perpetuation of the human consciousness through its source in the mind. Faithfulness in association with others is an essential of this task. By identification with the processes of continuous creation, are themselves fashioners of other complete men. The secret protects itself.
Some linguist who comes along to tell you/me what we want. Alternate detachment and identification with life. Attunement with the whole of existence Rabia Movement, music and integration was based upon love, operated through a dynamic of love, had its manifestation through ordinary human life, poetry and work. The destiny of community and all creation is interwoven with the destiny of the souf. Rumi. I shall die as a man, to rise in angelic form. -
T: I teach my friends to see me. - What I was thinking was - she's wrong about something but it's not what she thinks it is, so what is it. The smoke was to try to get inside and see what I saw. "It was human. When it's human you can't just close the lab door." "But I woke instantly, couldn't you see that?" And wanted to know about Tony. "I trusted him because I heard how he talked to his old girlfriends on the phone." Wake to you standing like Gabriel with a scratch foot dog. What a clear waking for me. But what are you full of. Dismay and silence. You can't tell me what's at stake. At 1 you woke up and went to write and couldn't recall what I'd said. "Had a little smoke." At 3:15 asked me to call and I didn't. Then came. "I was wrong." But here you are and everything I'm saying is nowhere to you. But there are the mountains getting light. It's just after 5. You say goodbye. I tell you to stay. You're gone and Ezra doesn't think you're going until you start down the steps. The sound of a windmill in the city making open grass around itself. When you're wrong you have to see what's there, is all. I'm understanding that you wait and listen for knowledge and then you act to make the knowledge visible and put it into memory. And there are leadings. Obedience. I think about Roy and David and wonder what happened with them. Luke putting a chain on his little dog. 'Veiling,' conditioning. a science, an art, a knowledge, a Way, a tribe The complex of organs is concerned with the transcending of time and space. learning how to swim, in the words of our fable The meaning of mystical experience is to fix experience Magnetic force produced, calls to others. Ian.
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