field & field 4 field notes ellie epp


- 3

 

 

these days at the (green) table writing, hot day is unlived except maybe as the drive

 

                        then evening's great shining               i'll write down calmly, how sharply i look at the figures walking across the top of the alley

 

is it less beautiful to hear oneself  say it out in simple lines         as i want to

 

i wrote passionately about the huge free impartial body of english

 

and kept writing, all the more, but with less certainty

 

it was part of a trace of a passage, at best

 

the movement from one meaning to another is a shift i feel spatially

 

i liked the image of working from inside rock to open perspectives

a prenate thoughtful touching of directions

 

if something grips           it is real,  but don't stop there or assume knowledge of what literary pleasure is

 

destroying the possibility of prestige

 

 

charm, value, ethic   tactic   & gender,    in writing

 

 

there's no possibility of getting it all but if the few traces are accurate the rest will be accurately implied

 

feeling the rules i write by, those i refer to now, & those i remember,  as undiscussed, a space of charges, a suspension, the familiar unspoken    -

 

thinking by an emotional indication

            placing something

 

'writing within the hologram already formed'

 

in these days being light in light few clothes    white pink & red        the image from jumping off the bicycle beside plate glass

 

toward dawn riding up behind a man on roller skates   swaying his lunch bag      throwing one leg after the other,  sideways         i rode up near to look in his face      could see a nectarine in the plastic bag, his laces left untied

 

 

 

raise hell between us             something

 

and you know what made them do it was curiosity,

they wanted to see what was inside

            they wanted to see her looking at her inside

            yes

 

 

 

going further upstream

 

 

the mother has to know it.   no one else can know it at that age.  the mother has to be there to know it, otherwise it is lost.

 

i as if bow in front of our finding the way to each other

 

then the sounds in bed & she dazed dressing in the closet

 

bowed over       panting with crying       i say to stay still & take longer breaths

 

'i see it cut off'             a piece of meat like a slice of chicken heart being flung at an obelisk             it's in a (cellar) room with a rounded ceiling               tibet

 

am i the anchor in this world & she out on the end of the cord?

 

there is also a feeling that whatever i do will not be right,   wrong,   will simply further the world of that act

 

 

today the quiet excitement,      arrivals of completions           patience   (that it will go on being there)   of the saturday & sunday of luke's conception

 

 

i have to bear the not knowing you    -           'i had to realize i didn't know anything about where you were in it'  -                         the spots of the red berries of the rowan in the light that had no other color       -

 

            hand on the thin chest between the beginnings of the breasts         the small grieved dazed one

            smal grievd dazd one              smal head        weighted with glass

 

in the two days yelling                        'it's beginning to close'               the marvel of what can be said                 the marvel of how much is not understood

 

the largest admiration              -           a vacuity of strangeness        -           certain arrivals together           -           sudden diving under her argument to see where it's wrong

 

basement corridors                 egypt in the fields west of the highway                     room with a bed                   rock                 green               stone               the dead                       end                  lost ditch

 

suddenly diving under her argument  -           coming near to the present and leaving it

 

that i've been a long time collecting messages fr