| still at home volume 1 part 3 - 1958 november-december | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
November 22 .....Mesa trailor court Man! The biggest and best Eventure ever! Boy, do I feel good..... It is dark and I am in a little circle of light - an exilerating light - I don't know just how to say it - anyway its really dollish! Tonite, when it was getting darker, and I was hanging around the play ground stuff, I saw a doll, in dark, hangin around too. Oh, was he sweet - tall, lean, very slim hipped, light haired, brown eyed, and his face! Delicate, small, little nose, big long lashed eyes, wide grinning mouth, about 5'6" - 120 pounds, oh a dream!! He was all in dark - blue jeans very tite, dark jacket, white shirt, black shoes ..... Sort of shy, I wanted to get aquanted with him - but bad! And he wanted to get to know me too, I could see by the way he looked at me and sort of sidled around. I saw him and another guy looking at me after supper (I kept watching him thru the window while I ate. I didn't eat very much because ...) And after a while they came over to talk to me. Boy am I glad they did because, me I'm so awful shy! For a while I thought it was going to be a boy meets girl affair - in which the boy didn't! But .... Well we got talking and then inspected a tarantula, inspected a burned trailor and finally got around to names and adresses and ages. The QT - Gary, 13 years old, grade 8, from Minnisota. The other guy, who isn't very cute and has braces on his teeth - Bob, 13, from Washington. Man .... Thats all I can say, or think! Gary was called first - "see you sometime" he said. "See you." >>2020 Then after a wee little while Bob went. And another memory - only this time its not a "Mr.X" - I even know his name! And the way he said "Sure you cain't stay and go to school? ..." in his soft little acents ..... "Why don't you try and talk your dad into staying? ..." I wish I could hipmatize I'd get him to stay forever! At least as long as Gary stays .... Do they really like me? Lonely day ..... Gary ... Oh that guy! Hes gotten into my blood somehow, but bad! I saw him today - a lean, almost skinny figure out by his trailor ... And then later, he came to give his little sister a ride on the swings. I was sitting there then, and we sort of smiled at each other a few times. Hes got a dear smile ... the corners of his mouth turn up and he has dimples and it's just to absolutely adorable for anything. Adorable - that's exactly what he is - perfectly adorable. Everything about him - how he is as graceful as a deer running, (thats no weak simile - he is) his slim almost skinny fragileness - (he looks very breakable, but really hes not, hes nice and elastic!) How everything about him is so delicate, sort of Refined - How he is shy, really shy, but man! So sweet ... - Hes hep, really hep, he knows The Language inside and out, and is an athority on the top tunes, Hes got a nice voice - kind of boyish but still not squeaky like Dewey's, A few freckles, not many but enough to be interesting - his Granma calls him "Honey Chile" - very suitable!! So I sit here and dream, and sit up an inch or two taller when I see a pair of blue jeans and a white T-shirt, and then flop down about half a foot when its not him - I'm dreaming - not of a white Christmas - but of a nice, warm, green, one with "nice company" A-hem! Later - I was sitting here, writing down all these astonishing facts when - bang - who should appear but Himself. "Did my kid sister go past here?" he wanted to know. "I haven't seen her ..." "Did she get lost?" and so on ... So he went off to find Sherri (Sherri and Gary - cute!) ... Afterwards he came back and sat down on the M-G-R. "Did you find her?" "No, so she can stay lost" "She prob'ly found herself a boyfriend somewhere" ... So we started talking - Sat in the swings and gabbed about "ships and shoes and sealing was, and cabbages and kings" (Not really, but we did talk about cabbage - the kind with George Washingtons face on!) I found out a lot about him, how his home town operates, its called "little Chicago" because of the gang wars. He is a bit of a "bad boy" Im "afraid." - but then every "sane" guy is ....We talked for an hour at least, I think it was a lot longer .... Cool, man ... Cool!!! I found out that he had been in an accident - was the only one that got out uninjured - so the guy is scared of hills now - which shows that hes a normal sort of guy and tomorrow he starts school. I asked him if he was just a bit scared. "Naw, I like school" he said. "I bet!" "Not the work of course, just the exitement ..." You know, journal - this guy has got Al, (ugh) Ray, anybody that ever was, and maybe even the will-be's beat by far!! I sure hope he likes me, and I do have the tiniest little bit of a feeling that he does - (the tiniest little bit) I do hope I get to talk to him tomorrow too ... And there is a terrible dread in my heart - I dread the time when I'll have to say - "Adios Amego" for good. Don't let it happen God! ... I do want to get to know him better - we do have a few little jokes in common - one is: Bob (poor guy. the muttonface looks like of lonely. And he was nice to me ..... ) He promised me a ride in the Cadillac hes getting (?) for Christmas and I think I'll take him up in the airplane I'm getting (!??) So things are pretty good ..... And he does know how to wolf-wistle properly Jan would think he was The MOST. I do. Monday morning... Still thinking about The Guy - and his pet expressions echoing thru my mind "That's no lie! .. And all that jazz .... I nearly flipped ... They don't always croak ..... " and one of our little jokes - "the westuhn Movies" .... I think about him and smile - Mom thinks I've gone batty and whenever she sees me talkin' to the guy, she stares as if it was incredible - Elfreda talking to a boy? Impossible!! The "old man" acts the same way. Man, what do they think I am? A cabbage head? Really, he isn't so shy as I thought. Hes like me, once I get started I'm O.K. but the startings awkward ... Hes got a nice kind of humor - not the stupid kind, or the "dirty" kind, but the "raised eyebrows" kind, if you know what I mean. Im still lookin and I have "great hopes for tonight!' His real father is dead and the stepfather works in the salt river project as a lineman. They haven't got a real house, only a big 32' yellow and white trailor. He told me that he wished they had a house. Afternoon - I did see him again - He and the other guy walked by when Bob and I were talkin on the M.G.R. They took off again almost right off. Then after a while they came back, loaded with the tangerine theyed hooked off of somebodys tree. They tasted better because they hadn't paid for 'em I guess - We had a nice little party eating them, (Billy gave me 3, but I didn't get to eat very many because the little kids wanted me to split) They we started tossing them at the "Westuhn movies" who thru them back - and then the guys got just a little wild - and started tossing other things around. Then up comes the Big Shot Boss himself. "How many of you live here?" Gary and Billy said they didn't. "Well, if you cain't behave yourself here, I'll kick you out. This is for the little kids so if you guys start rough-necking, they'll get hurt. You can play here so long as you play decent but if you don't, I'll kick you out! Now don't smirk! I mean it!" all this was "delivered" fast and furiously, an author would say his eyes blazed because they did, really. Well, when he was gone, we had a nice comfortable laugh about it all. Then they saw the old boss coming and - bang! They took off. Thru the wash lines, over the ditch to the canal, they laid low there for a while and then down the tracks. Meanwhile - Big Boss confered with his son and daughter (or somebody) I was going to find out what they were talkin about, but they weren't talking loud enough. Anyway, I hung around for a long time, and finally they came back ... we had a nice little game of tag - Billy, Bobby, and some little kids and me. It was a special kind - played only on a M.G.R. and its fun. I was tagging Billy the most - Who is Billy? Well journal, I better tell you. Billy is a guy I only got aquainted with today and really hes nice too, snub nose, light hair, eyes - ?, about 5'6", 135 lb, bright red shirt, jeans, black and red reversible jacket, quite hep - In fact - a real American boy (And I do like American boys) A really thick Southern accent, a tease ..... really boy-ish. (nice, long, laigs ) Then just when we were getting nice and chummy, I had to go for supper - Then - wail and sob - I heard the news - We leave tomorrow, TOMORROW, for some crummy old lake in the sticks - Adios Amego is coming sooner than I thought, a week at least is what I was expecting - and what do I get? 2 days - but two wonderful days! Bob, Billy, Gary .... theyre what made it wonderful - and they are going to make leaving awful - I'll cry tomorrow - cry hard and long - cry for something I never had before, Romance. Imagine! 3 guys and no rivals! That's what I call good! Why couldn't it last? Man .... I'm counting on tonite for a "bye session" I have to say "Adios" to Gary Tonite - I couldn't eat supper, just couldn't! No wonder. Mom looked at me even more as if I was an Imbecile .... I really rushed through those dishes because I just had to see the guys before I leave ... So I went out and waited. I thought I saw them, two figures in the light, but I wasn't sure. So I kept right on waiting ... Finally, I just couldn't stand it, so I went for a walk .... I saw what I thought was them, so I turned around because I didn't want to look as if I was chasing them. Pretty soon after that Billy came. He and his bratty but cute brother, we had a kind of nice time again, and after just a little while Bob came. A bunch of girls too, so we really raged around. No Gary - maybe its better because if he had come, I would have bawled right there, but still ...! Billy told me that his step father made him stay home ... oh I could shake that man! My last nite, and no Gary! Billy's parents are seperated - that makes me a bit tenderer too. I told him to "say 'bye to Gary for me cause I probably won't be seein' him again ..." Oh Gary , Billy ...., why does it have to be this way? Billy's brother told me that Billy had said that he liked me - honestly! Really? .... and me takin' off tomorrow - After Billy had to go home, I went out to the truck and started writing all this down. and then - poof! Who should appear but - Billy? nope. Gary ...? no ... It was Bobby, so I rolled down the window. He grabbed for you, dear book, and he wanted to read you - uh-uh! So we made some very romantic arrangements - if I don't see him tomorrow morn I won't see him. period. So: sometime between 6 o'clock and 7:AM hes going to come over and tap 5 times on the window - boy, but romantic only I wish it was Gary - or Billy ... Gary ..... oh that guy Gary!!!! All I'll have tomorrow will be a tarantula in a bottle, and a bookful of memories of the nicest Sunday afternoon I ever spent! Only a memory like every thing else - And tomorrow's Adios is forever, Forever! ...Oh Gary ..... if he knew! Gary! ........ Tuesday ... this morning I woke up early, and lay awake for the longest time heard the train go by, it got a little lighter and then all of a sudden day was here. After a little while, I saw Bob go by and then I waited - tap - tap - tap - tap - tap! 5 taps So I sat up and looked out. He waved his little finger at me and then I slid out of bed and put my clothes on. I talked to him a little, then he had to go and have breakfast or something. I watched the other park and I saw a blue jeaned guy run for the hedge and then duck under it - Billy? Gary? .... It must have been one of them. And I'll never see them again, never, never, never! That's awfully hard to believe .. never? Then Bob stopped in on his way to school again (he's evidently my most ardent swain) said his 'byes and went. But Gary and Billy, never? And I didn't even see him last night ..... I don't suppose they'll miss me very much - they've got all those school chums - But I'm going to be terribly blue, because I have no one. So just when things are nicest, we move - just like that! poof!! There goes a dream ... "I don't like it but I guess things happen that way." That is an awfully limp statement compared to the way I really feel about it. I could hollar and rage around until everybody went deaf and I could also string myself up in the nearest palm ... gr-r-r-r ..... I wonder whats eating the old man today? Breakfast was a miserable affair this morning. I was thinkin' 'bout the guys and pop was being as Sarcastic as anything. Wonder why? I cain't figure it out .. In fact hes been that way all the time, when ever Ive been talkin' to them. on Sunday, when I came in for supper, after that B.U.T.ful gab session with Gary, he told me, very dourly, that I "shouldn't have sat on those swings so long because the other kids wanted to swing too." That's what he said, and it didn't make sense because there were 2 other swings that where empty besides the ones G and I were using. And this morning when Mom told me about what Pooh said yest'iday he almost split from bad humor - When Rudy came in from playing in the sand he told mom that "Elfy likes those big boys and I like the little boys." I had to laugh about that (because its true, and how) but pop, he says "how does he know? Is it that obvious by the way she acts?" I could of slapped his face. Man, is he disagreeable! And he was talking about how much I "wanted" to go to this crazy lake - being unbearably sarcastic. because he knows very well that I don't want to go and I'm pretty sure he knows why. I think that's one of the main reasons that hes so set on takin' off in a hurry. He makes me so mad that I want to bawl and I do too, That makes him even more sarcastic. It seems to me that my father is the most disagreeable person I ever knew but then, I don't know any other ones as well as I do him. Still, I think he is a hipocratical, nasty old man. Sourpuss ..! These are some pretty Strong words, I know, but thats how he acts and thats how I think of him. Its bad enough with out him sticking his bony old nose into my business. I'm pretty sure that if he know about the 5-tap affair he'd have a mild (?) fit! He would too, I think. and if I ever wanted to go on a date with some guy, (which I probly won't tho I got close to it on Sunday) hed tie a little bow around my neck and swing me on the nearest tree. Hes that kind of a Joe. And even if this --- lake turns out to be nice, I'll be like a thundercloud. I know, because "happiness is where the heart is ..." And my hearts here .... This morning Ive been filing thru my memories, and playing with Becky who is a charming little 5 year old with the longest, curliest, lashes I've ever seen over her coy blue eyes. And after a while little Sherri bounced over. I was glad to see her because after all, shes Gary's pet sister and she adores him. (too?) blue eyes, taffy colored curls, 3 years old, (Rudy and her got along pretty well) and she is still really a baby. Gary is her "big brother" and he has to take care of her pretty well all the time. There are those memories connected with her too ..... Just a sweet baby. we walked around a little, the cherub, Rebecca, Pooh, and I. And then Sherri got a sliver in her hand and had to run home to mommy. I've picked up an orange peeling for company - The peeling off one of those tangerines Billy and G swiped. So you can see why I want to keep one. Now we are really gone. And I didn't see them again. Gary, Bob, Billy ... only once - was in the past. if I could only have stayed we 3 - Billy, Gary, and me, maybe sometimes Bob - would have had a wonderful time because they were all so nice - But its all past now, and it cain't happen again because those things are only once in a life time. Oh ill never forget ... there is a burning, tearing despair in me ... Its just to awful. I miss them so much and Ill never, never, see Billy and his delightful soft accents, never see Bobs red hair and mutton face, and never, ever, see that adorable faced thin form which is called "Honey Chile" again. There is a great inward sobbing and when I looked down into the fountain pool at the temple [Mesa Mormon temple], I wanted to sink down under the blue and the bubbles - really I did. Oh its so unbelievable incredable that an "amego" or an "Amore" could be lost so quickly and never seen again, never heard of again. And I didn't even say Goodbye. its torchering me, but I cannot be alone to cry. I wonder if they miss me? .. I think they did, and that makes it even worse. The guys I could see every day, despise me and these, who like me, I must leave. I'll dream and I'll cry for a few days or weeks or months or years? but even when the pain is gone, I'll never forget .... Wednesday ... Canyon Lake [campground] We're at the lake, a lonely canyon walled pool, where the wires overhead hum loneliness ... There was nobody here this morning only misty figures of the past, until this very un-misty, and very much of the present [figure] arrived. I was out sitting on a lakeside log when Joe came over. I knew he and his dad had moved in here too, but I never even looked at him, really. So he walked over - lanky, 18 years old, 6'2" tall, red hair (and I do mean red) white lashes and eyebrows and the staringest blue eyes I ever saw, and all dressed up cow-boy wise (even the scarf!) "Hello!" he said. And when I "returned the salutation" he came over and sat down. I inspected his pocket rock collection with his microscope, listened to his camera-sized radio, looked over his mouth organ, talked about cactus, sisters, brothers, the lake, ages (what mine was and what his was) and finally; mountain climbing. Then all of a sudden he said "want to climb up there with me? pointing to the nearest peak. "Sure." I was in the mood for anything, even a desperado if thats what he was (Not that he is, only I had just a little suspician) "Lets go," he said. And we went, just like that. So when we got to the first peak, we had to go on to the second and after that, well, the biggest one seemed kind of close so, we went up it too. And, brother, that's no little hill! I was sure dry ... Well, we rested at the top, listening to his wistles echo around. Then a little ways down, he played his mouth organ a little. We found a few water holes up there and boy, was that water good! It seemed like a long ways down, I really wrecked my shoes, and when I got home, I ate a whole grapefruit. My feet don't smell so awful good now, all that sweat - (Oh yes, I know that's not a very romantic detail to put into a journal but they do stink!) It wasn't until we were back home again, after a couple of hours of climbing, that we got around to names - "Joe. Sort of common ...." You know, its funny, I really do meet boys and hardly any girls. But Im sure I don't care! 8:30 P.M. .... Had a (very) wee little romantic time. Judy and I wanted to burn up that old cigar so we took a couple of matches and an old newspaper down to the beach. "Want some company?" said Joe, and then he rambled along too. He made the fire with his lighter and fluid and then piled on more wood. So we sat around with that orange light flickering over our faces and white sand ringing the beach, slow waves rolling leisurely over the water, and above it all, glowering black cliffs. The clouds hid the moon, which would have been brilliant because it's near to full moon time so we were minus that romantic asset. But anyway, I was sitting up on a big boulder and he came over and sat beside me. Then he took out his wistles and tried them out over the water. There was a high shrill one that literally shattered the darkness, and a conservative in-between one, and a low, suggestive one - a big rifle shell in reallity, but in the enchanted world of fire-glow it was a spirit call because the echos would roll along a long time after the sound was gone and then come back to us like a plainitive, spine-chilling, creepy, ghost howl. I could almost feel those cold slimy hands on my neck .... Thursday .... The American Thanksgiving Day .. There were families down here with boats and picnic dinners, and all day I watched for a red and white station waggon, or a familiar figure, or a voice I've heard before with the nicest Southern accent ... But they didn't come. Tonite was kind of nice ..., Joe decided to go fishin' even tho the place is plastered with "fishing prohibited" signs, (or maybe that was the real reason!) so he smuggled out his stuff and we took down a blanket. No luck - those stubborn fishes! So we gave up and went down the beach a ways to build a fire. The moon came up tonite, crawled and glowed all over those elephantine cliffs ..., so we built a nice little fire, spread out the blanket on the smoothest part of the white sand, turned on Joe's portable radio, and got nice and settled (blew out the lantern) ... Moonlight, music, firelight, glassy water, ... could be romantic huh? Well, there were Judy and Paul .... besides other small details, but - Now listen to this and you'll get an earful!! He was going to Hold Hands with me, if I'm not mistaken. It was this way; he sat down beside me on the blanket and then when we had gotten all comfortable (I had kicked off one shoe and was sprawled out on my tummy) he sort of slid his big hand over mine and closed in his fingers, Hey! I hadn't been expecting this! so I sort of slid my hand out from under with one little flick of my wrist .... Man, this character I didn't know! But I couldn't help thinkin' 'bout how I might not have moved my hand away if it had bin Gary ... He lit a cigarette and he was going to let me smoke it, but I pretended I didn't see it ... So he turned on the lantern and showed me his pictures, mostly girls, about 98%! (almost. And he did have a lot of pictures) He was in the Navy once - for one month! And then he got out again. don't know why ... Just when he had put them all away, who should come along but pop! Ugh! (I suppose he had to come and make sure there wasn't any funny business! ..) So Joe, he's a great goof for puzzles, got him to do one, and then he played some sort of a connect-the-dots one with me. He won by 2 squares, only tho! Bye-the-way: this afternoon he got me to "go for a down-the-beach walk with him and down there, he played me about a dozen games of tick-tack-toe (romantic!) I won! He leaves early tomorrow morning. Things are going to be lonely out here again, but I'm not going to bawl over Joe Smith. Not my type - too crude. But good enough for company when Ah'm all by mah little 'ole self! You know, Journal? I've noticed one thing - I do have a sort of attraction now that I'm a teen kitten. (?) One thing: I'm positive that Bob, Billy and Gary and Co wouldn't have spent so much time at the swings if I didn't happen to be living there, and: Joe wouldn't spend so much time with Paul, Judy, Rudy, Inc. if I hadn't been along. Now these are facts and I'm not boasting. Just being a female is probably the biggest attraction because I'm not beautiful, nor am I cute, (I often think I'm downright homely) and: I'm not a sexpot (!!!) because my "curves" are mostly bulges ... So ... I'm glad I'm a girl, and the only girl around those V.I.P. guys ... (!) and places. There is a certain prestige about all this boy-bait business. I know that Mom looks at me in a sort of different light after all those times she's caught me deep in a conversation with some eligible young bachelor .... Ho Hum!!! ..... I did forget one detail - This afternoon when Joe was with us down by the big rock he said "I thought you looked sort of cute in this" and crowned me with his cowboy hat. Well, I had tried it on before and I thought I could have looked worse ... "I do look kind of shaggy without it tho," he added ruefully. And he did - brilliant red hair standing out all over his head - pore guy .. And he leaves tomorrow, too! Friday .... A day of just loafing - until tonight! We kids decided to have a little beach party all by ourselves. A bunch of teenagers had camped a bit further on so I went down to that part of the beach - as a sort of private eye (full?) you know .... So out come the blankets, cushions, food, matches, !! And we tried to start a fire. No wood! So we had to wrestle with those prickly bushes. Then - No paper! I can't start a fire without paper because tonite theres no Joe with his "wonder fluid" to do the work ... Well finally we did get one started - sparks rained around in all this wind, but we settled down anyway and tried to toast our bread. Across the little stretch of water between our two fires, weird orange lights flickered - until our fire went out that is. Then we had to dig into our blanket - but hard! so we watched the [other] campfire with dark forms settling around it and listened to the laughter ... Then they started singing - what a surprize! Because they were all hymns! Then another surprize. Mom and Dad, over there, stepping out of the shadows! "Well lets go too!" I said. So we went and were really "hi-ed and hello-ed" Really friendly. So we all sat around and sang too. Then listened to stories. Really cozy. Sat., Today we went out on a hike through the canyons with those kids. We wound around the hills on the trail. Slid down slopes of gorgious scenery ... Rock - stark and colorful, shrubs, and 'way down below, the lake shining blue deepness. We got to another party of kids out there, after wading thru' the sand along an old river bed. It was a beautiful camping place - in a canyon with huge rock walls on 2 sides towering endlessly up; a little green pool with a spring rushing from under mossy stone, into it; boulder seats in the middle; and under an overhanging ledge of rock, among the intruiging murky caves all spread out on the soft clean sand, were sleeping bags. The ideal bedrooms with niches for shelves and little fire places - sweet! So, when we got there I sat down on a rock and watched people. Every once in a while some of the kids I knew or didn't know, came over for a chat. On the highest rocks they could find, the youngest guys perched, and chirped away. Wistled and hollared, man! boys will be boys, and boys will always be ver-E-interesting too! A few flirtations. One of the girls said that on a camping trip these boys sort of have a tendency to pair up. The campfires have very cozy possibilities, you know ... Elder Palmer introduced me to a couple of the kids, the youngest ones in the group I think. (14 and 15 years old) Shirley, a petite type of kid with quite short brown hair in a windblown sort of style (I mean windblown by wind, that is) was "the baby" - more about her afterwards. And Doloros (S.W.) taller, with a surprisingly good figure. Not exactly slim, but with nice curves, wide hips, etc ... (?) So we got togeather for "Sabbath School" (these kids are 7th Day Adventists) Boy, what a Sabbath School too! As informal as a picnic and I do mean informal. I got one surprize when Shirley leaned over and told me I had a pretty voice (after a song) Really?! ..... So, after dinner when Daddy went hiking to see an old miner or something, We stayed at camp with some of the other kids, and Nancy, who was the sweetest kid. Brunette, big grey eyes, and just cute, that's the only word besides "adorable" that'll describe her. Very short, 'n' sweet, you know ...) She'd hurt her toe and so we kept her company. decide we needed some sun so we hauled out a sleepin' bag and sat in a row on it and talked. Then I began to get surprizes. Someone thought we ought to read the bible (not ought to read it, but would like to read it, that is) So Nancy called Tommy and asked if he knew were Elder Peters bible was, since they didn't have one. Tommy offered to look for it, and when he found it, brought it over. Anybody would do anything for Nancy, I thought ... And no wonder! ... That angel! So she read part of Philipians, her warm, slow, pretty, voice made the whole letter seem more beautiful. An expressive voice does that, sometimes. Then she read Corinthians (1st - 13th chapter) The love chapter, she called it ... Her voice flowed on... "Tho I speak with the tongues of men and angels and have not Charity, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbol .... Charity suffereth long, and is kind, charity envieth not ... seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil ... When I was a child, I spoke as a child, understood as a child, thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things ... For now we see thru a glass, darkly; but then face to face ...... and now abideth Hope, Faith and Charity, these three; but the greatest of these is Charity ......." .. All of it poetry! And when I hear those lines I'll always think of Nancy ... And all of us commented a little on different things and I got to know them all better. They have such a wonderful phylosopy and way of thinking - "Love everyone, for everyone is worth loving ... In every thing and person there is some good, some bad, but in everyone there is more good, therefore be kind, love one another ... And find that good. Learn to know God more closely. Help those around you to know him better too, by and thru Love ..." A grand philosophy. Truly sincere with a real faith in God and in man. And everything based on Love - Love of God, and of Man ... Really great kids. Sincere Christians, and that does make a difference ... All of these kids are Christians I think, so all of them are very nice - really! Some of them were facinating - Jan - who was a tall slim, blonde with a braided gold pony tail. Such a face - very, very, delicate. She was very nice to me too, friendly ... Linda - pretty much the opposite but terribly nice, too. Wispy brunette, definitely petite, the smilingest face. Every bounce showed energy and good spirits, a "hi" for any body and everybody .... the most, anyway. And boys, too. Carl was Lindas boyfriend. Kind of short, very masculine looking face tho, looked kind of more mature somehow. And the nicest personality - plus! He and I had lots of big face splitting grins and he always yelled out a big "Hi, Elli!" whenever he saw me. The girls really liked him. And there were other guys like Teddy and Paul too ... All of them wonderful kids, I thought! I was glad I met them. It was worth everything. Sunday .... "Oh what a wonderful morning! Oh what a beautiful day!" the kids leave today so we went down to the bridge to see them off. They rowed down to the docks and then all gathered around to say "'byes" and "see yous" Saw Shirley and Deloros 'gain to say 'bye 'bye. Then when everybody was gone, we went for a ride in a rented motor boat. Mr. Palmer, Daddy, the Brats, me, and Jerry. Jerry? Wait till I tell you! 13 year old son. Untidy blondish hair. Brown eyes. Quite tall. And a little shy but nice. Not cute, not hep, not facinating, but nice. Before now, I had only said "hi" to him one morning, and waved to him once but now was my chance to get aquainted better! I took it. We got into the boat, spun the motor and out for enchantment. This lake has an eleven mile long arm that would be like a Norweigion ford I think. Green water, and ageless cliffs, caves offering intriguing possibilities on every side. There is a certain exilaration in the dash of spray on my face, in the foaming plumes of water sliding under the prow, in the gorgiousness of green waters pleating into lace frilled lines behind our laughter, in a knowing, intimate smile from a kindred teenager, a boy ..... At least that's the way I felt about it. They let me drive it for a while. So much at my control! All air and water and wind is under me! I fly, and in my wake is wonderment! (How sentimental I do get!) But it really is a terrific amount of fun! So I've aquired two new sport-loves, bowling and boating. I sat beside Jerry part of the way (in the very back (but we couldn't get much conversing done because we couldn't even hear ourselves think!) We did hollar at each other once in a while - Nice boy-girl conversation, huh? So after all this was over they started back to their Indians [missionaries on a Pima reserve]. Jerry wavin' (at me, is my suspician. Why do I have such un-canny suspicians? ..) like furious and me waving back, (at him I know, because I happen to be me. sounds logical doesn't it - or does it? ... I'm not even sure!) Later: Back at Mesa. I want to see the guys again but I don't see how, I've got too! But we're parked way out of the main drags and miles from the court ... I'm going to try terribly hard tomorrow. December 4th ... On the road again Phoenix-Tuscon I didn't see any of them again, but when we went out of Mesa, I gave that court one long last, look and I looked franticly for that yellow trailor. And I have a weird, profetic feeling that someday, somewhere, our ways will cross again ..... In the meantime, Mom will sometimes catch me with a far-away look and a dreaming little smile - I'll be remembering ... While we were at the mission with the Palmers, I had a chance to know Jerry even better. I still can't place him - hes just to elusive. Theres one question in my mind that persists on being unanswered. Does he like girls or doesn't he? I can't tell! Sometimes theres a look in his eye and a bashfulness in the way he acts that says he does, but then, sometimes there is a stand-offishness, and a retreating in him that says he couldn't care less. Maybe its only me he doesn't like! Or maybe its his instinctive shyness. Who can tell? Anyway I don't suppose it makes very much difference because I won't be seeing him again, ever. There is one horrible thing about this traveling business - its that, so often I have to write "but I won't be seeing him again, ever ....", after a chapter of my life. Its gastly, and their all such nice guys too! December 7th .... Before I get to the main issue, theres a little detail that's just to incredable for words! (Oh, did you notice, I got some new ink! How stupendous!) Anyway, yesterday I got 5 letters, two from home, and they had one thing in common - this NEWS detail. Edith said, in her slow, limp, way "Raymond told Janeen to write you a letter and tell you to write him, Raymond G." !..!..!.! And Myrtle said - "Boy, when you hear this, your going to topple over backwards. Raymond told Janeen to tell you to write him. But I suppose Janeen has already told you." I did fall over backwards and I almost got hysterical, too. imagine! I wonder if its true or is it just a little plot cooked up by those kids!! Bro-ther! What if it was true? (Impossible, of course) But all the same .... I wouldn't dare! Because if he hadn't, wouldn't that be the grandest laugh? Now, about it! ("It" being very exiting!) "It", by some freak of chance, is a football game. A really, football game! My first too. Minnisota "Gussies" vs the Arizona Lumberjacks. Me, I was all for Minnisota! When asked why, I can say "because its closer to home". A-hem. I am a little fibber! The real reason wasn't hard to guess, was it Journal? Gary's home state, of course!! So I was a very ardent Gussies fan. Of course they lost, 12-41 but who cares? I did have several convulsions during the game tho. Those Lumberjacks Gr-r-r-r-r-r .... The majorettes where a symphony in Rhythm Red and White uniforms, a flash of white panties every so often, and a whirl of silver batons. They were really the most - such a pransing and swing, such a swirling of skirts and dancing of legs. They frolliced and danced like a chorus girl - sparkling performance and really neat. They kicked high, swung their skirts, and posed, pin-up wise. It was like dancing, really. Not at all related to our stilted twirling. This was really something, graceful and artistic .... The cheerleaders were neat too, All in white, they bent and whirled and spun, then leaped in perfect unison, bird-like. Pretty grande, all of it, even the guys selling cokes. A memorable day! .......... December 9th Old Tucson Park site The world is mine for I have conquered it! At least a particle of it. I wish I had a flag I would plant it here and it would prove my ownership! Doesn't that all sound grandé? Early this morning, before the world was up, I slipt out side and started for the nearest, biggest craig. It really isn't so awfully high, but still, its pretty much! Its in a ridge, I can lean over to one side and I'll be above the valley where we're camped. If I lean the other way, I am above a vast, endless other valley. On this side its about 20 miles at least to the next range. I climbed, looking for animals and stones, and listening to the birds. I saw a deer, it stepped warily then lept and bounded over a hill, blending perfectly with the surroundings, When I took my eyes off it for just one second I lost it Here I can be at complete peace. I wish I had a peak in my back yard. They're very tranquilizing! (And I very often do need tranquilizers!) December 12th San Luis Mexico! Oh these Señeors!! We just drove thru San Luis, the border town. Smiling, nodding, waving Señeors! Ah, but they be nice. De Amore, there is much. I hear gay gay music, all in Spanish. Espanole every thing. I leaned far out of the window, gaping at all these very eligible Señeors. They smiled all of them, lots nodded (one from the roof-top he was building). There were a couple of groups that waved and smiled. One gallant extended his arms in an eloquent guesture, another crooked his little finger and smiled. So tall, so dark, so-o-o handsome (all of them!), Such white broad smiles. My guess is that everyday (and all the time) is ladies day with them! So natcherly, I love it! Si si! Ah-h-h! I drove thru town, waving and smiling, a bit like a queen (!me?) I think the secret of the Spanish charm is that they think, and act like any lady is a queen. Theyre just born that way, its their heritage. Any way, it's a lovely way to be! A "beet" later - A couple of them even very expressively, blew me a kiss! December 14th ... 29 Palms California My first minor Eventure here occurred while I was sitting in the truck at a filling station with Mom. Very romantic spot. It was getting dark ... and the lights of Twenty-nine Palms lay all around us. Neon ... (Isn't that a lovely, expressive, very sadifying word? ..) Well, 'long comes a car, pulls up at the next tanks, and a kat gets out. Tall, broad shoulders, square chin, curly hair, (BLACK) and nice dark, eloquent eyes. Very ideal combination. There were two other guys there too, in the front seat. So "handsome's" roaming eye finally lights on me, and he takes a good long look and notices one detail - that I can't take my eyes off him. So I catch his eye and smile at him from under my lashes. You know - demure - like a cow! And he looks at me the same way then bends over and says something to the guys in the car. A blond crew-cut pops out. Me, ah look at him the same way as at handsome, so he waves and smiles. Ah wave back and grin lahk an imbecile (such a nice word - expressive and not quite so crude as "crazy". Also, "looney bin" - nicer than asylum! (S.W.) Then, just when we gets nice and chummy (without sayin a word, natch) way we go! Pop chooses such inconsiderate times to get movin'. Bah! (also very expressive!) Was watchin' T.V. at Morrises this evening. The Perry Como show - he sang a few bars of "Whos Sorry Now?" (Connie Frances) No very important guests tho. "Gunsmoke" was really, awfully good. Tender, and I really fell in love with the outlaw and the heroine. Infatuation, you know. A real sweet outlaw! (he got away in the end Rah!) Gale Storm's show - funny but not touching, and a real hot one - Don't know what it was called but was it good! I can still hear it - "Bii-eeeeeeeeeeee!" Also another headline - got a real neat letter from Jan. Not long enough. I wonder if shes sort of getting tired of the old K.S.? There is a saying "Out of sight, out of mind."!! But there is another one too - "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"!! .... Which? December There are many things I could write today ... Im in an inspired mood ... A book, natcherly. But what a book. Theres the poetry that, because it is written by another teenage girl, shows me myself teaches me to be a bigger "myself" ..., and gives me that sad, poinant, feeling ... If my eyes looked the way I feel, they would be wide, naïve, infinately wondering .... This is the sort I mean - Its called "November" so beautiful.
[source unknown] The sort of a poem that starts a yearning for someone to share it with. A real friend, someone who feels it too, someone you can talk to about it, Someone, in whos eyes you could see the meaning after you had read it, Someone who could get your exact mood without saying a word There is another by a 15 year old girl. I'd love to know her ... Waiting
[Lois Duncan, written at 14] Lovely ... truly lovely. One phrase especially "And I stood waiting, although I knew How deep was the night between us two ..." In an unliteral sense, there is a true meaning in it for me. All those different crushes I had - With Ken the night was the darkest I've ever been thru', and with Al (that name gives me the creeps, but nevertheless, he once Was ) it was extremely shady and icey cold at time. but then with Ray, its only twilite, really, and Gary ... no nite at all, only a warm, pink glow ... So theres different shades ... Wander what the next one will be? The next one - there is a charm in anticipation! And wondering ... who? Who? WHO??? Tonite ... Another name for my [?] - How strange a circomstance can be - fate is so unexpectedly sudden! His name is Enno As far as he knows, hes the only one in the world "thus tagged". And the way I met him was stranger even than his name - its real story-book bait. I was in the [pickup] cab, by myself ... The window was open, and I was leaning out watching the intensely alive teenage boys across the street. I saw another man go by, not to tall, but walking erectly and directly, as if he was very proud of his uniform. There were thought-lines going thru my head, and because the guys weren't seeming to notice me, I turned on the light, curled up and wrote a few lines down
A ..." and I was going to add "gay wistled tune ..." but, popped into my life came Enno! I had seen a uniform go by and had smiled vuagly, watching him out of the corner of my eye but now a black gloved hand was knocking on the window. "A cop ..?" was my first thought and I just looked around, confused. Then my cranium caught, and I got it thru my skeleton, that whoever it was wanted me to roll down the window. So I did, not having the faintest notion what was going off. Why, Mr. Uniform!?!! No other. "What kind of truck is this?" he asked. That puzzled me, but I realize now that it was a conversation opener. It did the trick - I could think of lots of things to talk about. I studied his face - not unusual, not striking, not memorable, not delicate or little-boyish; just a face. He was a Marine, just back from over seas, had been in Japan and Hawaii for 2 years, lived on a little farm in Indiana, was a Luthern, liked the farm best of all places, was 20 years old, likes girls, is a bit shy, likes driving tractors better than cars, I was the very first girl he'd talked to since he left Hawaii All these facts compiled and edited by me, being collected during all the times I've talked to him. He asked me how old I was ... and I can still hear all the different things go thru my head. "How old does a girl have to be here before you ask her for a date?" ... "What would your Mom and Dad say if they found me talking to you?" .. (I told him that they were getting used to catching me in conversations like this ) "... Oh! I think your parents are here now! " ... and unfortunately, they were! "Hi" he said to Daddy and later as an explanation "Your daughter smiled at me so I stopped to talk"!!! E-e-e-e-e-e-e-k Pop natch had to crack a quip. "Well if she doesn't believe in getting married she'd better stop smiling" and then he guffawed very loudly. Sometimes hes so crude! And of course they monopolized him. They always do, when they come I'm shoved very rudely out of the conversation. I didn't think he liked it too much either because those few times when he talked to them, he looked at me. After all, hadn't he stopped to talk to me, not my parents? So Pop ended up in inviting him to church with us. He didn't have anything else to do, so he came. I of course was shunted out to the back, and he stayed in front with The Parents, looking very ill at ease. Stopped at Morrises but didn't have much to say there because there was much to much adult interference. Daddy is so disgusting. He suceeds in freezing his victum and making him bashfull, and then excludes him completely. G-r-r-r ..! (It does seem as if I'm always growling over him doesn't it?) Then he came along to church, I wanted to sit beside him, but that, of course couldn't possibly be arranged. So, I just smiled at him once in a while to see that he didn't feel too strange becauwse I feel sort of personally responsible for getting him into this. afterwards we chatted in the church he said some strange things .... Things like "Every time I start to talk to a pretty girl something like this happens" and we laughed about circomstances. And he said something else too. "You'll be doing this until you're 17." "Doing what?" I said. "This ..." he said with a quiet smile and altho I can't figure out just what he meant, I have a pretty good idea ....It was sort of dreamy, because I knew he liked me ... It did wonderful things to my self respect and my confidence .. after all, hes a man! 20 years old! But then the night came to an end, we drove him home, me in the back again. When we got there I knew he'd say goodbye properly so I opened our door window and waited. He shook hands with me ever so lightly. "Be good!" he said. "Merry Christmas" to the kids and to me. Then impulsively he rested his hand on mine for just a moment. I can feel it there, still. Warm and soft ..., then he went "Be good" he said again. "Oh I allways am, and 'bye ..!" I answered him, and I'll never see him again but I'll remember always. December 30th Los Angeles Suberbs Christmas day was the most unusual X-mas I've ever known. We opened our presants in the morning, and then as dinner got closer I felt myself get tenser and tenser. You see, Mom had asked My Marine over for dinner. Did he come? No ... I never saw him after that one time that the Brat and I shadowed him. Oh, well ... We had read in the papers that there was open house at the U.S.O. So, because we wanted to see it, we took off for down there. The place was humming with service men. A few Ver-EEE eligable ones too! All young - 17, 18, 19, 20 There weren't any other girls exept young married ones. One girl, was coming 19 and had the sweetest little 3 mo. Baby. from Michagan State and a real nice kid. She agrees with me 100% about California. Then, when I was sitting all by myself in a big chair watching T.V., one of those dahling Marines tapped my arm and said very abruptly, "How old are you?" When I told him, plop!, he shut his face like a clam. Later, him and an oh-so-fat-and-jolly-slob were playing poker he was looking exedingly bored and so tapped my arm again and said "Want to play cards" When I told him I didn't know how, he just looked blank and froze up again. By this time I was mad again, and how! How rude could one guy git? So I sort of ignored him until they started singing. After that I forgot him - period. Then, a kid was playing "Winter Wonderland" right next to me on the piano. I started singin a bit of it to myself, seeing it's a sort of theme song now. Something "unclamed' him then, surprizingly. So I chatted for a little while and found he wasn't such a teribly bad guy after all. Late that nite when he left he waved, so I guess we must have gotten to the "waving stage", aye? Lovely day, in a way t.... ho not exactly ....
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