in america volume 20 part 6 - 2010 june

work & days: a lifetime journal project

6 June A lot of figuring - if I live tight this summer and sign up for pension I can mostly pay all of R's fund by the end of the year. Is this a good idea   Will he be able to get it   I should go look at it   Give him furniture   It will give him responsabilities   It's a well-thought plan   7 What money do I need for myself: Print of Trapline for LUX, n in o, current Redub some of We made this ISPN #s Teeth Return flight Rent car Supps Utilities here 130 x 2 [Wave structure of matter notes: quantum wave medium The forces of the electron extend to infinity The electron is spherical waves which converge to the center and reverse to become outward waves. The two waves form a standing wave whose peaks and modes are like the layers of an onion ... The center is the apparent location of the electron. Wolff and Haselhurst The ancient Greek notion of a point particle is replaced with a spherical wave structure ... spherically rotates creating 'spin' ... in a universe of real quantum wave structures in a space medium ... This medium is the basis of matter and the universe because its properties underlie the wave properties. The shape of the enormous universe is spherical ... important dimensions are inward and outward Old discrete particle-structured physics Einstein, Dirac, Schrodinger, Mach: "experimental measurements showed that the structure of matter was closely related to the properties of the apparently empty space around us, and that the elements of matter had to: a. have a spherical structure b. be extended in space c. possess a means of exchanging energy d. possess wave properties founded on wave equations Schrodinger "What we observe as material bodies and forces are nothing but shapes and variations in the structure of space. Particles are just Schaukommen." Saw that abolishing the discrete point particle would remove the paradoxes of "wave-particle duality" and the "collapse of the wave function." The in-waves of a particle, on arrival at the wave center, produce the position and motion of the center that we observe as 'the particle.' If any <matter> nearby changes the medium density, this changes the in-wave speed and motion, and moves the particle location. We observe this motion and describe it as the result of electric forces. All the particles of the Hubble universe create the space medium and the appearance of charge and mass of each electron as a property of the universal space. Energy transfers take place and wave centers move in order to minimize total wave amplitude. When the waves of a potential source and a potential receiver pass through each other's centers only wave states with equal frequencies can shift energy states - ie frequency. Einstein "When I see a star 100 light-years away, the star knew that its light wd enter my eye, 100 years ago - before I was born!" Two-way symmetrical resonance exchange not a one-way photon. If you keep the traditional assumption that matter consists of points of mass and charge substance and that energy exchange is a one-way e-m photon traveling between particles, you are doomed to the paradoxes of: causality violation wave-particle duality Copenhagen errors Heisenberg uncertainty red-shift Inward waves - when wave sources arrive from many places they combine as single wavefront, Huygens Combination wave front. Property of 3-d space - no axis - "spherical rotation" not rotation. If this property of 3-d space did not exist, particles and matter would not exist. The waves of the electrons in the crystal array produce standing waves along the planes of symmetry. There is no solid structure, substance or material in the crystal. It is the waves that produce the array dimensions, and it is the immense energy density of the space medium that gives it physical strength and rigidity. Most physicists imagined point particles. Mass increase in relativity Explanation for spin Doppler increase of frequency causes increase of mass (energy or frequency)   The space medium - space underlies the wave structure of matter Space medium of quantum waves and spacetime relativity Learning more about the space medium is the most exciting and pioneering topic in science today. Einstein: A human being is part of the whole called by us Universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest, a kind of optical delusion .... This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desire and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. We must free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.] - Have photos of Rowen's boat on screen - hope it doesn't fall through, it's exciting. It's got me researching solar and wind systems for boats, solar fridge, composting toilet - packet 5's are in - Luke needing money right away - imagining big savings and then realizing a lot of expenses I can't dodge - laughing with Luke on the phone two days in a row - Rowen two days in a row - pleasure - and this morning Milo Wolff on electrons as wave structure of space, relief of a vision that works - Sean and Ryan's on Thursday - last night Rebecca Goldstein on Wachtel a light-voiced girl philosopher who loves Spinoza - 8 Tim saying children and domesticity, and today I've been running around sending Luke $400 Canadian and Rowen $6000, Row to buy a home and Luke to leave one, G & F and Western Union. 9 Dealing with money is a particular mind. I'm reluctant to go into it and when I'm there it has a grip, I add up totals in various columns and then keep looking at them. What have been Rowen's expenses. What do I owe him, how much do I need to find this summer for his boat, how much do I need for expenses before I leave and in Van, how much can I save here, and this summer, how long wd it take me to finish paying what I owe, what do I have coming in, what should I spend on film expenses. It's going to be like that because when Ro is paid it will be the housetruck. I like having a reason to be tight with money again, felt uneasy about spending freely, though I'd like to still travel and stay in motels. [money summary] 10 Rowen signed papers on the Oracle today. When I phoned in early evening he was on board, elated. 11 Mission Hills, Sean's house In the bookshelves here, Ayn Rand and Thich Nhat Hahn. Are they opposites? In Rand, company in something there's company for almost nowhere else. Contempt, resolution. I want to look like her heroes Her villains are badly drawn but they are villains of stupidity She's anti-body about fatigue and many emotions but she's pro-sex She's right about work being the only thing There's an edge of Nazism in her vision She had no clue of environmental destruction Seeing a woman implacable is so much fun "They had earned the present" It's a strange mix, she's against the refusal of materiality, and in her that means industry not nature She speaks well of working men though her heroes go for power of wealth Dagny fucks without getting pregnant The something she gets right about sex and surrender "Courage of a single loyalty: their love of existence" Dagny never has a female rival What's so specious in her philosophy - I agree that special intelligence and dedicated work shd be rewarded well but not that it is purely individual deserving - "My only love is human ability" She's like the Tea Party in being against government regulation but Tea Party people are like her villains "Intransigeant mind and an unlimited ambition, and is in love with his own life" 12 She's got an animus against what she calls feeling or intuition, which she opposes to thinking or reason I'm sympathetic to her descriptions of contemporary art though they are caricatures - she despises their motives She runs the notion of industry together with the notion of invention / science When have industrialists ever been persecuted as she describes? She blames feeling or belief in feeling or what is actually the result of not feeling, she doesn't know feeling is perception, which is her value. "The capacity to see, to connect and to make what had not been seen, connected and made before." The horribleness of having one's work admired for stupid reasons "Delight of being held by the ingenious, the unexpected, the logical, the purposeful, the new" "The sense that life held things worth reaching, not the sense of having studied some aspect of a sewer there had been no reason to see" A false contrast of rational and irrational "World's code that worshipped white lies as an act of mercy" Celebrations should have something to celebrate In the atmosphere of this book my having been with Tom seems disgusting. "Only his surrender to lethargic stupidity protecting the shoddy structure of his joy, struggling and giving up and settling into the dreary routine of the conviction that fulfillment is impossible." "Code that told them to act on the premise of one another's weakness, deceit and stupidity." "Struggle through the fog of the pretended and unacknowledged" When she talks about wanting to destroy superior ability, I'm asking whether I was doing that when I went to war against Trudy - was I doing that, or was I in revolt against someone who had refused to acknowledge my value though I had acknowledged hers. Was I doing a vile thing   no I need to understand this   YES It's good that I'm repaying Rowen   no That doesn't matter   Did I hate her superiority   no Was she superior   no Was Rhoda   no Was Jam   no Was I right in feeling they felt they were   I went to war with her to get her out of my house   That was correct   Was Jam wrong to invite them into her house   Should she have sacrificed for me   no Were they wrong to accept   But not because they should have sacrificed to me   Will you tell me why it was wrong   YES community, preparedness, withdrawn, money They were giving up community preparedness for money   Rand is ignoring group strength   YES It destroyed me   And thereby a possibility of theirs   Are you sure   Should I have handled it better   no I was paying for all of them   Do they know it cost them   Did they feel guilty in relation to me   Am I going to see the whole thing clearly   YES And yet they couldn't acknowledge either my music or what will we know   That was vile of them   YES Should I have held off harming them   "You'll discover that there need never be any conflict among your desires" - is that true   no "Is your purpose to protect me?" "No." "What is it, then?" "To be there on the day when you decide to join us." - There I burst into tears. I become two, one dark large near thing sobbing, one calm kind small thing, a little above and to the right, watching. Maybe it's three things - one noticing them both and speaking, asking what it is I'm sobbing for. I was sobbing because no one will do that for me. I'll be alone for the rest of my life because there's no one. Except for that tiny calm kind thing, whatever it is. Is it enough   yes a face of merciless serenity and unflinching perceptiveness, without pain or fear or guilt. I started my life with a single absolute: that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values and never to be given up to a lesser standard. tenet by which they destroy a man before he's started the breach between his mind and body. Google says: political influence includes Alan Greenspan, Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Ron Paul, Clarence Thomas, Reagan. She got lung cancer at 70. Photo of Tea Party rally with I am John Galt sign. Russian Jew whose father was a chemist, still selling 800,000 a year. 13 I'm taking her seriously. I mean as I'm sitting here with my sandwich, as I'm driving from the nursery, I'm thinking about myself in her terms. For instance I wondered whether I'd stopped with Tom because I had grown more self respect. It says no. - There a bird lit on the rim of the fountain and took a drink. I'm in the shade of the robinia, sun almost due west. Young thing whose new little tips I see wriggling against the sky when I'm in bed, now a broad light shadow flickering on the page. The grey cat reached to pull a bug out of the air. Missed. Lot of new small orange bracts on the bougainvillea. Young almond and young Asian pear in their bays. The silver acacia is taller I think. Sean's medicinal foxgloves that were the only things saved from the old garden flourishing dark pink, light pink and white. Calif poppies seed sown now lighting a corner. 14 Friday and Saturday, when I was first here, I zonked - was just gone - sitting in this little room under June grey reading Atlas shrugged for the 3rd or 4th time. Under those days a dim question about whether being here rather than at home is so distressing I'd need to go blank. At the same time an email silence, stat counter silence, as if the whole world doesn't know where I am. Yesterday, though, there was sun. I went out to Walter Anderson's mid morning with a latte from Caffe Mio and bought a fig, a couple of clematis, a couple of little Boston ivy, a pink passiflora, chives, tarragon, strawberries, a salvia patens and a chamaedryoides. Brought them home and went to 5th Ave to wash the jeep. Came home and planted through the evening. Called Al to arrange for mulch this week. Now it's Monday morning and I have 3 letters to finish. Was in revolt about them. Evals this week. Then one more week before Van. Have to clean my place, then maybe fast, and get deep into InDesign. Rand, what about her. When I was 17 in the pink room in Sexsmith Doris Windrim lent me The fountainhead. Do I remember what I thought. No but in that year I was full stretch like a hero, alone and intent. Her scorn would have washed past me, the caricature writing. She's not complex or true, which means she's not a Howard Roark of novel writing, and yet she defends something that does need defending. - The dispossessed is like it, I noticed this time, even in some of its cadences, though without any of its weaknesses. I said to Tom, I don't want to have fun, I want to be magnificent. Both Rand and Le Guin make their heroes physically perfect, tall. Is it possible to be magnificent and physically spoiled?   YES Is it possible to be magnificent and a mother   Is it possible to be magnificent and sleep with Michael   no Or Rob   no Roy?     So I gave up being magnificent   no Was it magnificent to be with Tom   YES Because of the spirit in which I did it   I did what I had to to keep going   Did they damage me   yes That means I didn't fight well enough   no It means they were stronger than me   no Smarter   no Then why could they damage me   because you hadn't acted to process delayed coming through One of the ways Rand is wrong is that she has her heroes come out of damaging childhoods without damage   YES As soon as I understood that I'd messed up I did act   She's right in defending magnificence   But she's blind to the reasons it fails   There's self-loathing in her caricatures   YES Are there times when self denial is magnificent   no Is magnificence the highest value   YES Is it magnificent to defend magnificence in others   Should I carry myself more authoritatively   YES Did I do it wrong at the festival   I carried myself as a cripple   no But too humbly   YES So Ute was right in that photo   Which I could crop   YES But do I have to look so ugly   Is the journal project magnificent   Only in the sense that it's honest   no Is it more magnificent to have no misgivings   no Is scorn in the journal always self loathing   no Scorn is anger   At people degrading life   Her scorn is that but something else too   - Should I be more accommodating to Lise   NO Shd I tell her what I really think   no Is she going to take it to Ruth   Will Ruth think it's my fault   no Be neutral   Lise is just going to go on grinding   Will she be 2nd reader   no Should she be   NO Then we don't need to have a talk   YES Lise is grinding on saying we need to "work it through" - I'm disgusted with her doggedness and blaming. - Tonight an earthquake, 5.7 near Ocotillo, yesterday a hard jolt 4.2 north of Borrego Springs. I'm more scared since the Easter Sunday one. - Unification and simplification of knowledge I know from my own painful searching, with its many blind alleys, how hard it is to take a reliable step, be it ever so small, toward the understanding of that which is truly significant. Einst Collective quantum electrodynamics - how electrons interact with other electrons Field - math function such that a set of numbers specified so what happens at a point depends only on the numbers at that point - ie no action at a distance Vector potential? Solid state physics - how large-scale properties of solid materials result from atomic-scale properties - theoretical basis of materials science Quantum nature of electrons in solids Electron wave function "dominates the behavior of metals" Electron tunneling - wave functions show amplitude on the other side of a barrier - electron wave train partly reflected, a bit of it travels on on the far side "evanescent wave coupling" Philosophical viewpoint that the particle is 'really' delocalized and wave-like, and always exhibits wave-like behavior, but that in some circumstances it is convenient to use the mathematics of moving points to describe the motion. Electron wave packet As a quantum system contains more and more elements it exhibits collective behaviors that differ more and more widely from the behaviors of a mechanical system. In the limit of a large number of elements, these behaviors correspond to electromagnetic phenomena. 16 Here's a collection of Rand's interviews. She's hideous in it, a doctrinaire crank with a righteous opinion of anything. A farewell to arms is "a book I loathe" because it presents a malevolent universe. Anna Karenina is "the most evil novel ever written." Mark Twain is "a well-meaning socialist." No real woman would want to be president. "In the sexual roles, it is proper for a man, who is the stronger sexually, to be worshipped, and a woman who would even conceive of such a thing is not a woman." "The destroyer of the modern world, Immanuel Kant." Existentialism is "important only as a symptom of a diseased culture." Dozens of Thich Nhat Hanh books, why wd anyone need more than one. True love: a practice for awakening the heart, Nowhere to go nothing to do, Stepping into freedom, Peace is every step, Being peace, Taming the tiger within, Breathe: you are alive, Cultivating the mind of love. In a dream this morning a drawing of Rowen when he was little, just his head, a few lines, a good drawing tacked on the wall in the Carnegie Centre. I was looking at it noticing I could see his nose though there wasn't a line for it. He had a pixie humorous Dutch look. 9 evals to write. Don't want to do them, not free to do anything else. It has been grey this morning. Lonely, stuck in this room. Hips hurt, back of the hips - whatever that unalignment was, has moved up. Will you talk to me   balance, truth, cross out of difficulties, by means of the Work I've been binging   YES It's the bread that's making me ache   Take the supps again   Start sleeping at home   no Shoulder stretches   YES Hip yoga   Bike rides   YES Start doing InDesign   YES But I'm lonely   liberation, practical, writing, the Work Do the evals and process   YES Anything else   act, to decide, young, anger Of child alone   YES The child is angry   Though I'm not   Come back to that   17 There's nothing more in this house to read so I've spent the day reading Raw forming 1 and fixing its dashes. When I'm lonely the journal is company, it's a complete cure. It's evening in the garden. The cats were asleep but since I've been outside the grey one came out and lay near me on the warm concrete. Fat idle cats. The fountain is spilling beautifully, flickering glint on the side of the jar. California poppies closed since the yard's in shadow. Robinia's crown still in sunlight and swaying. I've removed its grim post of a stake. Waxing crescent almost overhead. Three very long stemmed palms across the street, eighty feet? Such sensitive things, their little sway in almost no breeze. Looking at my forms in this space. There's the way I extend a strip of grass to balance the strip of brick path. There's my triangle of small trees - cypress, redbud and acacia. There are the three fruit trees in their espalier bays in the fence, bougainvillea in the 4th, the right kind of bougainvillea, small-leafed, scaled right and placed right at the corner of the grass. Silver mullein where they'll poke up surprisingly tall and call up the silver of the acacia. - I'm not sure about the small purple clematis - anything else on that wall spoils the rhythm of the bays. The robinia's a simple goddess. - Watching CBC National these evenings. Tonight footage from the [Canadian] Truth and Reconciliation Commission. An old native woman crying as she speaks, someone's hands on her shoulders from behind. Then the government official standing next to her, a white man in his fifties, holding the mic, replying to her, crying. 18 Reading Milo Wolff, a couple of things. One is that his book has a home-made look that makes it dubious. For instance he boosts himself in a first chapter and describes conventional particle physicists as money-grubbing hacks. Those are the marks of a crank. But another is that I believe him, because the conventional view has to be wrong. It's plausible to me that conventional quantum physics can be essentially wrong because of the way I found representation-based conventional cog sci to be essentially wrong. It's the same mistake: imagining an object conveyed, where there is actually propagation of change of structure. Earlier than that there was discovering religious/philosophical/scientific wrongness that shows dissociated knowledge of prebirth existence. My question - I'm coming from Raw forming 1 and 2 - is, how can it be possible for that medium-talented girl to see what thousands of established professors don't. I'm right, but how can I be right? Can you answer that   YES withdrawal, shared pleasure, fighting, love woman Undissociated, connected, fighting, for love woman   These two later realizations follow from the first   I can do that with only 140 IQ?   I've been dedicated   YES I've used the energies of sex and loss   It's as if I should step into believing I am what I am   YES Looking like that   YES Dress differently   no Black and white?   no Sandals?   You mean carriage   Truth   YES Should I start writing for that community   Use of time?   no Need down time   That's what it is about Rand   An instruction not to show small   Wondered whether I've ever said what my mother was, at her best. She had an ethical intelligence, a dark firm clarity about how people should be treated. - What do I just glimpse, a feel of her I used to have, of being met with steadiness. It's unsayable. She was never spiteful, I don't think she ever wished harm. Anyone trusted her. She wasn't charming, she wasn't funny. I was going to say she was never light-hearted but I remembered the two-piece-chicken-day tape. She wasn't exactly warm, she didn't have gusts and lulls, the inside of her head was like a dark room, a cube, with an unmoving candle in the center of it. I admired her until those letters to me at Queen's. I stopped admiring her because she needed to hold me back, she didn't understand what had to happen next, which was like not wishing me well. I want to say it was a tragic life but it says not, it was the life she was. Thinking of it as tragic is a generous impulse but it makes her larger than she was. I keep wanting to be able to tell her what I've made of what she gave me. That will never stop, will never be possible. 19 I'd looked for Peter Hagedoorn before but hadn't spelled it with two o's. After I'd fixed the Sunnyside volume last night I tried again and found what might be him on Facebook. Sent a note: Sunnyside 1964? This morning though I woke at 4:30 he'd replied, sent a photo of a steady-gazing grey-bearded man by a small painting. "Yes, Sunnyside, my goodness that was a long time ago!!!!" It's 46 years. Sent him the link to RF2. - Then later a cranky note complaining about Facebook, has that bright spirit become a geezer? Codger? I cleared out to my own house today and cleaned the closet and the cupboard, washed the floor with Spic'n Span. Like it here. It's 5:30, sun in the west window which is wide open to the sound of what is that, a leaf blower. Supposing Peter H is another one of those mystifying people who don't like to be given their own past. [opposite page: Dzog-Chen ... fundamental matter of the universe has three basic attributes: openness (in the sense of ceaseless opening), resonance (which is excitatory intelligence), and radiance (in the sense of the primordial light. The Space is essentially the Universe itself ... is imbued with Light to engender the phenomenal realm and with Resonance which evolves in complexity. Space is all there is and it has perturbation as its essential nature ... Space itself is primordially conscious and intelligent. central teaching of the Nyingma Great Perfection Rig-Pa ground luminosity a mirror which reflects with great openness Nyingma and Tibetan Bon Padmasambhava is considered the source of Dzogchen teachings in Tibet true primordial state of every individual and not any transcendent reality sky gazing] 20 Began putting Ant Bear's layout together today - have given up on evals for now, Sunday in my room I'm so much appreciating now. Quiet Sunday working on the big monitor, going to the farmers' market for half an hour, late midafternoon on the couch afterward listening to Ira Glass talk about the economics of Barbados. It looks like Lightning Source can do the trim size I want, Olds' size. - Here's ugh Lise again. Repeating, insisting. What does she want. She wants me to say I was wrong about Jaes and Diedre and "won't do it again". - About Jaes - she distrusted Lise and was distressed and came knocking at my door - Lise thinks I should have "talked to her about it" which I couldn't do. About Diedre - I "repeatedly" sent her letters without checking with Lise. 1. The first one she invited and said "Feel free to disagree." 2. The second one I misremembered she said she'd be away. 3. The third replied to a letter addressed to me. In relation to Emilee what she did: she was second reader, we were negotiating and she quit and went ahead and sent it. What is underneath it is that I haven't trusted her work with students, I haven't found her sensitive or careful. 1. With Emilee she didn't read the work before she advised, she didn't see how good it was. 2. With Jaes she didn't build trust. 3. With Diedre she didn't guide the work so it would be her best, she didn't find her best. 4. Wd have been Susan. Different sense of writing, different sense of embodiment studies. My conclusion is I won't recommend her to any students who've done exceptional work with me. But who else is there? 21 Put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Set up Favor's book yesterday and today, it's 88 pages. Close work, tiring. Now do Emilee's and work on covers and then get into detail of widows and kerning and all of that - . And meantime the monograph. In the Reader Duncan Shepherd writing about Terence Davies - a new one about Liverpool and mentioning The long day closes. [Opposite page: Bodhicitta - early love - innocence and skill. Warm, clear, spacious. Finding the tenderness behind. How do we relate to discomfort. Staying, not shutting down. Truth and vividness and immediacy of simply being part of life. Blind to some of the ways one causes harm. Giving enough time to feel what's between discomfort and automatic action. Lightness - humor, unusualness, curiosity. Expansion of joy we're already capable of, love, bliss. Contacting another's suffering not for their sake but because the alternative is shutting down. Expanding appreciation. Tonglen practice - anything painful, undesirable, breathe it in - anything delightful, breathe it out. Noticing the opening and closing. Uncertainty becomes vivid in the present moment, so do fear, courage, wonder. I dislike the emphasis on helping others, wd do it because it's skillful, benefit should be a Speaking so the other can hear you. Not seeking companionship of conversation with oneself.] 22 Have Lise in my head unpleasantly - I'm grumbling at her. Will you talk to me about Lise   look for, recovery, (death), preparation Instuction?   I'm preparing   For mediation   Will Jim see what's going on   Will he believe it's her fault   YES Will he think it's my fault   He'll see something I'm doing   Will he think I shd have been straight with her   no He believes in what I'm defending with students   But he'll think I should have kept her happy   Managed her better   By talking her language   He knows she's stupider   Look for recovery by deep change   Deep change in my approach   I've been dealing with her too much as an equal   And letting her set the terms   Deal with her like one of my stupider students   Does she know she's been doing bad work   Rushed   YES Who am I to her   illusion, writing, processing, victory List?   Does she admire me   Does she want me to admire her   no What does she want from me   partial withdrawal of creativity that comes from men The hole in her is that she hasn't dealt with men   YES She wants me not to have   She's envious of that   Women is all she's got   So she wants to be the queen of that   YES And she isn't   YES And that rankles   YES   Is Favor mad at me   no She just ignores me   YES Has she decided not to do the book   Because it took too long   Because of Nora   Can I persuade her   YES Phone   YES Will Emilee do hers   Will Layla change her mind   Will what's her name   Will Anna   YES Will Jaes   YES   So flatter her?   Praise her for anything I can   She's very un-self-aware   And won't change   And don't tell her personal stuff   no Praise her for anything I can, that's the sum of it?   YES She wanted to be part of Ant Bear   YES Is that rankling   She's under existential attack from me   Will we recover good feeling   Anything else you want to say   graduate, completed work, love woman, community Love woman's community   Is that about Ant Bear   Aunt bare   YES Is it going to work out with Lightning Source   YES Will they all have to have a business license   Post-herpetic neuralgia of the trigeminal nerve - atypical trigeminal neuralgia - doesn't respond to aspirin Aching teeth, feeling of fullness in sinuses, jaw pain, pain around eyes, electric-shock-like stabs occasionally - infections of teeth may cause, past viral infections - colloidal silver for herpes 23 My arms are thin now, they used to be brawny. I like them this way but know they had energy stored in them before. When I was lying in bed just now, thinking that I realized I feel I still am everything I've ever been. Having been good looking at some moments matters to me even when I am not now. And something about automatic language in half sleep. I often can hear speaking or writing going on, and I shut it down impatiently because it's banal and useless. Was asking myself what is the difference from intended writing, when I listen for the voice to tell me what to write. The sound is the same but when it runs autonomously it's not me. - Suggesting to Emilee that she get rid of all the explanatory padding. Started trying to buy a block of 10 ISBN numbers, which I need to get cover templates from Lightening Source. Sean came back from France and was pleased to see a potager. Peter H did reply, said the Sunnyside writing was fun. There are houses built all over the yard, he says. The house a historical site. "Sic transit gloria mundi." Never used to be nostalgic for Queen's but these days I'm hungrily reading about Greg, O, Kingston, times when a lot happened, the campus.     volume 21 in america volume 20: 2009 june - october work & days: a lifetime journal project