the golden west volume 21 part 2 - 2000 october

work & days: a lifetime journal project

1st Oct Is there anything you want to say about Tom and Ellie     fighting lovers will come through withdrawal In time?     I hit bottom yesterday     He's more closed than he was     He's offering bullshit on bullshit     Is there a fast way to get him present     he must graduate from unconsciousness about sex Something specific     he's unconscious of feeling Something specific     YES, skilled, action, overview, of feeling Something about how he feels about feeling     Is he ashamed about sex     4th I'm quite stressed     Is it because there's so much talk     no Something unconscious     YES Mine     no His     His insecurity     no, practical, judgment, guidance, balance in the midst of change You're going to tell him something practical I can do     YES, come through, deception, to responsible, completion Completion of this visit     I'm being deceptive     no he is About what     his trip Something that happened during this trip     Do you know what     Hint    something unconscious Did Peter Gunn put that on to blast me     Did he get what he wanted     Did Tom have good reason to be mad at me     no Did Tom defend me     no But what you're talking about is something else     Something that happened during the flight     YES He met someone on the plane     A woman     no a man This man was in some way significant     Can you tell me what the effect was     anxiety Will you tell me anxious about what     a child Mathew     no, Joseph The man said something about his own son     Anxious about his well-being     no his relation This conversation had an unconscious effect     Do you want to say any more     no Will you tell me why I'm jangled     yes, aggression, improvement, hope, graduation About work     Because I need sleep     no Because I've lost him in the labyrinth     no Will you lead me     unconscious Something I'm unconscious about     YES Mine     no, his Do you want to talk to him     Does he truly want to make love     no He's putting a plan into action     I'm jangled because my working self can't bear the talk     YES Do you have a remedy for that     YES, something about Tom What     temperance He should process     Ask him to be more responsible in talk     Is there any more you want to say     no 5th How it's been - brutal. How do I want to say this. Friday night like a kid who'd been brushed off again and again. What did we do Saturday, went to Bread and roses [Ken Loach] in the afternoon, a relief from the unending strain of trying and being tolerant. Drove around, PNE neighbourhood, the Pan Pacific. Sunday drove to Bellingham. I was extraordinarily stressed about letting him drive - somehow - then in Bellingham horrible Pete's attack. The motel. Tom in a rage that I'd been awkward. I'd gone along with his visit in goodwill and been subjected to attack, and he got into a rage that I hadn't submitted to it. So there I was in a motel not able to sleep and there he was sleeping. I turned on the light and pushed the issue. We ended in a little poke with a lovely moment at the start. Next day I was weak but rallied. Weak how? When he was furious he attacked my social unskill, said I shouldn't have fired Phil, etc. Driving home we stopped by the road next to cows. The sun shone. He was sorry for bullying me. What did we do Monday night. Tuesday he came to the logic class, we had breakfast at the Havana, drove to Deep Cove, Mt Seymour, North Van. The moment at Goldie Lake when I saw the branches interwoven. Tuesday aft I had to prep, he slept. Weds he came up the mountan with me and walked around while I did a tutorial and TA meeting. Now it's Thursday and he's doing the laundry, I'm in my long day. Tomorrow I come up for the morning, maybe take him to the gallery for the impressionists in the aft. Saturday, Sunday morning. Then that's it. We've had catastrophes and talks. My heart is not home. I'm weary of being wrong and he is too. Angry last night because he wanted to make loving love and I wanted to get centered with the book. I tried it later and was immovable and so good will was no help. Good will seems to be very little help. I have been sleeping half the nights and am not fresh. The disorder in the house bothers me. What bothers me most is the talk that does not connect on and on. Not on the same wavelength, nine-tenths of the time, he said. That was correct. We've been willing to go on on the basis of the other one tenth. It was straight talk finally, last night after he was angry. Now is there anything really to be said. I'm wanting to quit aren't I. Tired. We've done what we can. What else I've got. The art school panel in November. Ann says do I want to shoot film on 35 for a loop. Sure. The woven forest? Maybe. What would I like. Company. To be able to sleep. To feel goodlooking. New surroundings. To make good with my work. To fix it so I feel it's good. To honour it and live in love with it. To find its friends and build with them. To build it out into art and film, to keep going with it. To make images for the web. To get so I'm connected when I'm in nature, again. To have enough money. To be good to Rowen. To work out of work I've done. Complete it and give it. Find my audience. Talk to Louie. Visit Luke. How is it going to go, how am I to go on - [with Tom] Should we think of ourselves as making it     Do you want to tell us how to think of making it     struggle for responsible improvement of judgment Have we gone as far with that as we can     What's next     balanced action to research anxiety Do you mean both of us together     Any anxiety     This is a project     I'm anxious about loss of self       T: What am I anxious about     construction, improvement, indecision, completion Indecision about his life's work     Do you have something to say about that     temperance, friendship, a quest, money Is this a list     A sentence about the quest     practical or financial exclusion/losses is the quest The quest has to do with making money     Some particular way of making money     Tom is withdrawn from action on account of temperance T: How can I make temperance work for me     by teaching, intimacy, and researching, deception Is that being a reporter     sort of Actually involve writing     Advocacy     no Writing about some particular thing     truth Any truth     regret in general Only his own     evasion, teaching, passage from difficulties, overview Are you saying he's supposed to write the story of his life     Does being connected with me hold him back     NO Does this mean we're going on together     6 What it is, is that I'm waiting for the moment when I believe, and I don't know why it isn't happening, and I wonder whether it is my fault. I'm holding a distance at the heart. It was there as I drove to the airport. I was saying, I've waited so long and done so much and still there will be no one who knows me. It's something like that I keep feeling. It's what it is for him too. 8 Was that painting as good as I think it is [Gordon Smith 1996 Untitled]     Should I write him     Should I go on being faithful to Tom     no Am I a person who should never be faithful     no Is my loss of self because of faithfulness     An attitude of unfreedom     I should find connections for my writing     I'm deprived in several ways     YES Stop doing that       I really do want to be free     There's something I need I'm not getting     Will you tell me what it is     completion I need it to be over     Because I'm lonely with him     no I keep being dissatisfied with the exchange     no Intermittently     Is he feeling bad     It wasn't a good visit     Was it my fault     no His     Will you tell me why I need it to be over     because he is withdrawn He?     He has withdrawn     Does he know it     no He wants to be alone     no Is he more withdrawn than he used to be     no, less He's not living his true story     And am I     I was not square with myself during the visit     no, you were I kept trying to focus it     He's not going to write     no he is He cannot do it in his present circumstance     no Have I done enough for him     Was what happened with Pete a true indicator of his withdrawnness     Was he furious because he felt he'd lost me     It was the telling moment of this visit     He blamed me     Do you have any more you want to say about that     he was irresponsible His weakness showed     YES Should I have gone home     no Did I do the right thing     With Pete     no With me     Was it a good thing we went to Bellingham     no He gets angry when he feels at fault     Were we saying goodbye     no Should we talk on the phone less often     no Will you tell me how I should think of him     changed by betrayal so he withdraws from feeling Is kindness the answer     NO   Will you talk to me about my next stage     Am I going to have to stay around here     no Film teaching job     no Writer     NO Artist     no Some other kind of teacher     no Administrator     no Die shortly     no I was BORED with Tom     Was it okay to tell him so     Something good I can do that will make quite a bit of money     YES Something on the web     YES Should I have a web job     no Gardening     no Therapy     no I'm leaving academia now     YES Advertising     no Filmmaking     no Some really good job I could do for ten years     YES In the States     Is that where I should be     no Do you want me to be in Canada     no Nowhere     Making money     Really nowhere     YES Do you mean anywhere     no We're talking about money-making work     YES Something I've ever thought of before     no Web designer     no Do you want to give me a hint     no Tell me outright     Will I understand     something practical Cleaning houses     no Designing gardens     no Activism     no Will you tell me more     something honest Is it staring me in the face     no Does it have to do with helping people     no Material objects     no Some kind of design     Buildings     no Landscapes     Landscape consultancy     Environmentalism     Taking pictures     no Would I have to study more     no Would people hire me     YES Will you tell me what kind of people     successful So it is garden design     no Environmental consultant     YES Sages.com     NO Landscape activism     YES A company     no Join an organization     no With Nora     NO Rich people     no Corporations     yes Is this a job that involves writing     no Designing     NO Just consulting     no Researching     no Making images     Landscape photography     no Landscape theory     Do you really have something in mind     Should I give up San Diego     no Landscape advocate in education     Like what I did in Leaving the land     Not a teacher but a theorist     YES Through 6th College     Can I be a theorist without being an academic     And make lots of money     Break up with Tom and just be friends     Will you tell me how to get into the money stream     with this overview Get an overview     YES An overview of what's needed     Something for the panel     The last chapter     Will the last chapter tell me how to go on     no Is it related to that book (grain, etc)     Is it related to that painting     Defending land     In terms of mind     YES In terms of art     What he does defends land, mind related to land     Is that painting a clue     Use my slides     There were two wonderful things this week. One was the wall of boughs at Goldie Lake, one was Gordon Smith's big painting at the gallery yesterday. The painting was better better better than anything in the gallery, purest illusion. I sat on the carpet in front of it feeling all the other paintings were summarized in it. A carved native profile, an extraordinary future kind of human, a patch of sky with two winged things in the light of their own world, a sort of white flower. The thing over all a twiggy hillside black and white with snow, a cave, everywhere cream and black alive with touches of green, blue, red. He was born in 1919, seventy seven years old. All I care about is extreme invention in that mode. What about the boughs - different kinds of trees with their boughs shingling a wall top to bottom, lapped in amongst each other from different angles, very perfectly. Landscape and mind site     A magazine     Is this what you mean     YES Don't talk about it, just do it     Ask for contributions     The fit of plants     YES Use the slide scanner     Out of that there'll be consulting work     Start going out alone     no Contact Alva Noë     Start counting hits     Think of Leaving the land as the core     9 Landscape and mind foundation     Start it small     no, big Direct the foundation     no let somebody else I'm the researcher     We have lit up the world with perception     It's a web magazine     My thesis is the first issue     Can I get funding for it     Maybe 6th College would like to host it     I can do this     Jack Wise     Is anyone already doing this     no Will the MacArthur Foundation help     Would Leslie want to help     Get press from the beginning     Environmentalism has been culturally poor     A high end for environmentalism     Interpret home in a large sense     Will Rob want to help     That photo of the tree     Any more you want to say     act responsibly for child's success Make it international     Is that what this is     Is that what it should be     Will Paul be jealous     no Will he want to help     Foundations have boards, be on the board     no Control it by hiring it     Be hired as a researcher     Be the best person for the press     A really big foundation     Will the environmentalists like it     Preserving a home for native mind     Maintain control of it by inspiration     Take a landscape and say why is this landscape unloved     Tom could do that     Could I be the director     Send Gordon Smith a copy of Leaving the land     Feature Peter T     Should I sell my furniture     All of it     Be homeless     Is it necessary     Will you say why     to mark a decision Do you want to say more     don't evade responsibility for processing loss That's part of the work     no, yours I'm wanting to take it as a rescue     Getting rid of things is about feeling loss     Will you tell me loss of what     improvement, delay, fantasy energy Loss of something in me     loss of being delayed by fantasy energy Is that what happened with Tom     I'm willing to lose it     YES That is the principle     The romance thing is gone forever     Does that mean the end of being pretty     no Am I really going to do this     Now go work     - Hit by a breaking-up pang at 6:30. wondering if it's his or mine. There must be things to know about this hard week. I'm kind of stalling not wanting to be bad or unfair. There are things I felt I don't want to say, but I will. I don't get excited about his little half-hard penis. I don't get excited about his bent old frame and crisped old skin. I don't even get excited about the parts I used to love, his hands, his wrists, his upper arm. He keeps asking if I'm proud of him and I'm not. I think he looks unintelligent, rough. He has clear eyes and bright skin, fine silver at his temples, a good hair cut. But he looks off-center, something else, like an ostrich, beaky and hungry. I resist his remarks, in a stew of dislike. I want something else. I go silent because none of it gives me leverage, so it feels, for response or feeling. I watch him pitching a sale. Resist. He fishes for compliments, wants me to promise this and that. Wants me to sign up for the rest of my life. He also does many things he used to refuse to do - cleans up when I'm teaching, pays for gas, strokes my clit, asks about my day. Folded my clothes very beautifully. But keeps wanting to be praised for doing them. Meantime I am sorry and uneasy to be reserved. I give whatever praise I can but it feels patronizing. I feel frozen and helpless in critical distance. Struggle, try saying bad things, try saying good things. Am holding and testing a hidden sense that I want it to be over, but not saying it because I am not sure whether I can trust this disaffected state. I know I'm tired. There's the summer with only work. There's not sleeping enough beside him. but why was I already on the way to the airport grieving and sullen that there would be nothing for me. The young man I saw greeting his family, whose face lit up with pleasure to be back with his wife. Hugging her with his five year old hanging on his neck. I knew there'd be no such visible joy on the face of the man so careful of his image he doesn't like to hug at airports, who couldn't hear anything I said for the rest of the evening. My feelings are always hurt when I run into the raw man. I don't think how it will go, I don't remember how it always goes, I'm not ready. Then he's manic in the stress of the journey, he doesn't see me, he's expecting me to comply, he isn't ready either and hasn't remembered me. I was aching, too, from house cleaning poisons and dust. I missed the way I used to feel. We both came to tears when we started to remember our times. I kept thinking we'd get through but I didn't. He said he did, I don't know. He remembers he gets into a persona at the Golden West. I remember he needs time off before he becomes himself. We were in the herb garden at nightfall, sitting on the edge of the tank. He said he doesn't like to feel what he feels when he meets my friends and they all seem to be into something deep. (- I am just realizing there is no observation in this recital. I didn't see him or hear him or feel him.) He said he acts dumb and doesn't say what he's actually thinking because he's afraid it won't reach the standard. Is there something simple I can stretch for. It was my lack, it was his lack. His lack was his usual lack. I lacked what I don't usually lack. He was boorish but trying hard, scared. I was somewhere else, or nowhere, not trying hard, giving much less than I used to. It wasn't his anger, though I didn't like it. I don't like how I am always having to defend myself, from anger, pressure, blindness, carelessness. I notice I'm dismissing what he thinks he gives me - love, loyalty, faithfulness. Am I wrong to dismiss them? No, because they are demands: I'll be anything you want if you stay with me, because you are saving me from myself. Is he actually doing anything for me? No, it says, it's all demand. That's harsh. Is it true? Yes, it says. There have been moments of real giving, but not in this visit. I am not going to have time for that transcendent effort anymore. 10 6:30 on Tuesday. Go to the lecture later. Take Rowen shopping, haircut, go downtown to the computers, give up on writing for this week. Though it's so close. Landscape and mind. The Coleridge project. It needs a name. Commission work. Make individual works members of the foundation. Do shows. Ask for staff. Ask for space. Funding for shows. It's anti-technology, in a way. Ask for a salary, $40,000 US. Show that work from land-mind can be cutting edge. Brakhage. Nicole. A salvia garden. Tap into technology money. Export the idea. Balance. Keeping technology sane. How does a mind formed in landscape make high art, use technology. Art as evidence. Connected mind. Am I conceptually sound on this? Yes, it says. Am I working for the planet     Will there be lots of funding     11 October Something practical and honest, a kind of design, landscape consultancy, environmentalism, landscape activism, environmental consultancy, landscape theory, landscape advocacy. Get an overview of what's needed, going on will tell you about the last chapter, it's related to the grain book, it's related to Gordon Smith's painting. Defending land in terms of mind, in terms of art. Mind related to land. Make a web magazine landscape and mind site. The fit of plants. Think of Leaving the land as the core. Out of it there'll be consulting work. My thesis is the first issue. A cultural high end for environmentalism Acting responsibly for child's success Preserving a home for native mind, connected mind Taking a landscape and saying why is this land unloved Mark individual works members of the foundation Do shows The Coleridge project How does a mind formed in landscape make art Ask for space, ask for staff, ask for a salary, $40,000 Art as evidence Foundation structure rather than project structure   Is this a real project     My motives are mixed     no It's okay to want money and company     And status     A sort of Buddhist project     Is it okay for it to be high end culturally     Can it be effective from the high end     Will you give me a clear statement of mandate     YES, integrating and not withdrawing by means of writing and processing Do you want to say anything about cultural mandate     graduation of lovers into success rather than regret Inner lovers     YES Perception and abstraction     YES Is abstraction intuition     no, intuition is the angel I'm working for earthly paradise     Nothing needs to be left out     Laying a foundation for something ongoing     Will you tell me what this foundation does, concretely     complete, coming through, improvement, of withdrawal For anyone     Will you tell me what kind of action     true action in relation to partial loss and crisis Will you tell me how to describe the mandate in two words, for purposes of fundraising     struggle for feeling Felt connection     Promoting felt connection     Can that be done     I'm doubtful that this is a fantasy of grandeur that has the instant pleasure of vaulting me out of worries about the doc, worries about where to live and how to make money, worries about Tom, worries about being a bad TA in logic. I can imagine myself the director of a foundation doing important work, funded, autonomous, connected, with an office and staff, excited, smart, honored. Yeah, good idea. Can I do it? Probably. It's work out of my core. Mind and land 1) A mind formed in landscape, 2) what happens when you connect. People who are lovers. People who aren't. Find the lovers. Promote them. Facilitate connection. Support them with theory. Mission to strengthen a culture. Interdisciplinary. Find the lovers in art, writing, science, philosophy. I have always done that. The question to ask of anyone, are they a lover? What corrupts mind and land. Is there a single answer. Yes. What it calls withdrawal. Is it always a cynical decision. Maybe. Only humans corrupt land, but there is corrupt land and corrupt land corrupts minds. Corrupt means not functioning. Rumpere to break. Debased, a spoiled relation to base. Interrupted. Think of it that way, physically interrupted. Does ugliness call physical pain     That's what ugliness is     In humans is form that causes pain caused by pain     Do you mean dysfunction     The question of land and mind goes to the heart of politics     In England there are loved landscapes     A loved landscape is a sign of political good     Is a nonloved landscape always a sign of power hoarding     Not looking at ugliness has to do with preserving function     But not seeing ugliness is dangerous     YES Is that a dilemma     no Why not     action on losses in the spirit of love gives strength in reserve Then will you tell me what it is about the loving state     asking to process in truth is not withdrawing Provides a larger coherence for the incoherence to be contained in     Like when I was looking at Josie on acid     Is it possible always to be in that state     Like looking at Tom when I was in love     Is it easy to tell me how to be and stay in that state     yes, excluded, child, father, child, responsibility Taking responsibility for excluded child in both father and child     Not taking sides     See everyone as a child     no only when they're ugly Ugliness is always immaturity       Did she call me now because she wants to be involved in the foundation     Should she be     She'll offer resources and advice     Do you want to say more     be responsible to complete the work of integration Do you mean with her     Her integration     That's what she wants     15 1) Where's Rowen (Pitt Meadows) and when is he coming back? 2) Money for this week 3) Nora's light, orange voice suddenly. She says no she was never offended, I'm one of her favorite people. Her dad died three weeks ago in Calgary, and she owes me money. Where should she send it. 4) Luke saying he was at a broadcasting conference where the keynote speakers were repeating what he has been saying. 5) The first part of ch 11, up to the abstract sensing section, is good, but I'm dithering about getting on with it. 6) Louie last night reading chapter 1, wearing purple and writhing through yoga postures as she read. She wanted to be fixed in her anguish about Val. Okay, if we're going to talk about it let's really talk about it, I said, and got the cards. Louie still working without cease to defend herself from what she would otherwise feel about being younger than three people who were boys and not able to see that she was smart. - Chinook jargon illahie the ground underfoot, a handful of soil, this place, this property, this country, this earth. [Susan Mayse] 16 "curtains of rain falling around the house off the open verandah & that wet noise dense with a thicket of birdsong, in the wet & falling rain, transformed into falling notes, falling & ascending, crossing the rain in darts of melody running across and through the warp of the rain." Reading Daphne remembering she was what I'm saying I am going to do, land and mind. What am I feeling about that project, unreal. I have told David, Tom, Louie, Nora. With each, I was watching whether I and they believed it. I am immediately wanting to research it - read my own notes, read books, get on with something. Louie was blank about it. Said nothing. Tom said it's perfect. David saw my smile. Nora felt she didn't understand, I think. Describing it, I didn't find a convincing mission. Is this called wavering? I think the point is that I can do it, something like it, but I'll have to build conviction. The minute I look at the record two pages back I'm convinced. Nothing would be better for me to do. Should I be writing it up in finished paragraphs? Mind and land A reading list A membership Get an overview of what's needed What corrupts mind and land is the same thing The question of mind and land goes to the heart of politics Action on losses in the spirit of love gives strength in reserve, asking to process in truth is not withdrawing, it provides a larger coherence for the incoherence to be contained it The way to stay in that state is to take responsibility for excluded child in both father and child Art as integrated not-withdrawn persons/states Cultural mandate is completion of lovers into success rather than regret Promoting felt connection - In Barry's office yesterday facing his heartlessness. "I've been doing this so long I know how to pace myself." Giving me advice about getting jobs in a hard voice. Wanted nothing to do with being my senior supe. And gave me a meaning look when I said I had probably burned my bridges with Phil. The art establishment will hate it     The philosophy establishment will ignore it     - What else. Rowen last night sitting next to me on the bed learning symbolic logic. I could homeschool him, he thought. The way I taught him algebra in ten minutes. And went through Phil 100 with him in half an hour. How Rowen is. An angle in his face I see when he turns his head suddenly, a jut of bone. Black eyebrows and a bar of faint black over his lip. We are familiar. When we're talking I stroke his arm, he strokes my hair, we'll hold hands for a moment. I was sitting on the edge of his bed yesterday morning about to go to work, talking to him about his day, when I put my hand I thought on his thigh under the quilt. I felt a soft length instead of bone. My hand had gone unconsciously directly to his penis. I felt it the length of my palm. What's this, I was thinking dimly. We both laughed. Silly Mummy, he said. It's winter. The glass is black at seven in the morning. Sheets of paper flap on the wall in a breeze from the heating vent. I close my door to warm the room. part 3 the golden west volume 21: 2000-2001 september-january work & days: a lifetime journal project