the golden west volume 19 part 5 - 2000 march-april

work & days: a lifetime journal project

March 26 2000 That was a nightmare. Judy with me, with Tom. She picks up a letter I was writing and reads it aloud. She's hanging around with us. I say "I'm very annoyed with you. For some old reasons and some new ones. Get out of here." She goes. Tom says thank you. It's the nightmare of the hateful rival, hated rival. Judy, Olivia. When Judy slept with Rasheed she declared war. That the threat of undoing is so strong tells me where I have built my power. It's the power built and found at puberty, when the opportunity was given. It says no, earlier. It means it's built on winning attention. Anyone's is. Is there any more to be said about that? Yes, integrate it. That means, feel it? No, it means don't control it. Be openly hostile? No, be openly winning. Win openly. Compete openly. The reason women trash other women is that they have given up competing, because they won't take the humiliation of losing. If they were competing, they wouldn't hate, even if they lose?     Isn't it inferior to compete?     no, it's necessary I was somewhere with a man and the woman. That's the earlier part. I'll say how it ends and then try to recover more of that. Someone thought Tom should talk to this group of women about how to handle yourself if you run into a man who has bad intentions. I'm watching one woman introduce herself to him and then get up and walk away. There's another I have a feeling about. Short curly brown hair. She's a young woman. She says to him, I made those pears. Looking at some canned pears in glass jars. Next scene. I am with the women, have been talking to Louie, who has just gone out of the room. The woman I'm lying next to says, of Tom, I wouldn't want to be with him, he is too ----. There's no word, maybe. The sense I have that he's holding out against himself and at any moment his control will snap and I'll have lost him, and if so it will be better to have lost him. Her implication was there's no way he'll hold. Then she said, Oh, sorry. She hadn't realized I'd be there. I said, It's alright. I liked to hear it said. I understood that I had chosen the women and he had gone off with the woman who canned the pears. They'd recognized each other. I was thinking over whether I'd done the right thing. Walking in a corridor, a hospital or mall, a big black man falls into step with me. Now that I'm free he's going to try his chances. What's on at the movie theatre? We'll go look. I notice that walking next to him I have a lot of bounce, I'm springing down the steps. It's a physical effect. But what's playing is two macho shows. No. I go on by myself. What I need is to find my boots, which are with Tom. My docs. So I need to find the curly-haired woman. I go through a door into a lower corridor of the theatre. I pass a girl with thick braids, who I've seen before - where? In a hotel somewhere. In the passage on the other side of the door there is a girl with a peg leg. The foot of her right leg is silver metal. I look at her face. It's a fine ethereal face. She's blond with big blue eyes and pink skin. I'm looking to see whether her beauty will be enough to save her. I think it will. I'm listening to her talk to her friend, listening to her tone. I think the pear woman lives down this way. Then I'm looking into a glassed porch. This and that. And there are the canned pears on the floor. I'm wondering how I could possibly have found her place, just come to it like this. I notice a feeling that I'm drinking, suckling. Drinking in the room. There's a small movement of the curtained door into the house, to close it. Maybe someone has seen me. Then my boots are set onto the doorstep. They're more worn. There's a crack in the left one that shows the lining through. I hear a bump bump bump. They're fucking! I'd like to see him doing it, and the door is open. I step into the corridor. I see him from the side and behind. He's on one knee with his other leg as if he were sitting - there's no word for that position - he's stroking fast into her mouth. I can see into it, a white drop of semen. I know that what I'm seeing is his natural self, the way he really likes to fuck. I wake. What's my sense of this - thrilled more than afraid. Interested. It gave me that feeling of being in the underworld of significance, where what happens in waking is seen as if it's a dream. Do you want to say more     go on working with the dream Start at the point where I started     Integrating Tom and the women     YES Intimacy     YES And aggression     YES It's the life of the peg-leg girl     no She's just part of the passage       In my life I've chosen intimacy rather than aggression     YES My boots stayed with my aggression     Will you tell me what boots mean     standing in right and left The peg-leg girl is about not having a foot on one side     YES Now I need to find the curly-headed woman     She's the one who can pair     I know where to find her w/o knowing how I know       I love it that I was willing to see them together     Does the sensation of drinking tell me where she is     YES Drinking with the eyes     YES My pairing has been subservient to aggression     NO That scene was a statement of fact     YES It's a way of fucking that leaves her out     YES   Tom is left-hand man in this dream     YES The preference of my aggression is to be served     YES A passive aggression     So violence is a passive aggression     Because it doesn't engage with the humanity of the other     Which is to say I've had intimacy or else blind aggression     YES I've preferred intimacy because it has eyes     YES Mr Rochester was blind     YES What I'm working toward is aggression with eyes     YES Which I've had when I'm teaching       Is that all I need to get out of this dream?     no It tells me why I'm pleased with Tom     no It tells me which part of being pleased with Tom is about me     Do you want to say more     aggression's, illusion, brave in anguish My aggression's illusion was from being brave in anguish     YES Will you tell me what my aggression's illusion is     improvement, the work, coming through, will make it die He feels like I'm going to kill him     YES Am I     NO I want to collaborate with him     YES   Dear you, are you listening     YES I do not at all want you to die     YES I cannot be great without you     yes Is that the way to say it     YES Am 'I' the one who would be great     YES But I have often abandoned you     yes Is there anything you'd like to say to me     I want to act You're ready to act     yes   He wants me to engage him     yes He newly wants to act?     YES   You're going to leave it to me what we do?     YES I will certainly accept     YES Although I don't know yet     yes Your accepting will help me know     yes Okay is that it for now     - I haven't told the moment on Tuesday night when I was having supper in David's cave with him. After we ate he closed his eyes - sitting in the chair opposite me - and looked to see whether he'd see his inner woman. His face got quite rapt. She's very young, he said, after a silence. More silence. She's just a kid! He exclaimed it, really surprised. He went on looking. I didn't ask more. It seemed correct. We were in the back room by a table with a lamp over it, around us his piles of stuff in the dark. Always something catching my eye. An interesting little knife with a short square blade. The trestles he invented for the table, very beautiful unusual design. A sack of hazelnuts. A square of rock like rose-water candy in a dish with some seeds. Black Japanese bowl with red chopsticks. Library books, something Jungian, things about building. - Sometimes when I am talking to Tom on the phone I can't believe how much I like his voice. Am I really with a man I like as much as this, I am saying. Is she right [Joyce]     My prejudice against the curly-haired woman     Was she right about rebellion     no Is she right about womanness     no What's she right about     the work, love, overview, regret I am very huffy about receptivity     Am I right about the blindness of aggression     It comes to the same thing       Tom prefers me to be rebellious about womanness     no There is something I'm rebellious about     YES Rebelling means refusing something I am     YES Refusing oppression is not rebellion     There's a way I don't know the difference     So there's something I am, that I'm refusing to be     Will you tell me what     deceived By someone else     By Tom     YES Intentionally     Is Tom deceiving me about another woman     no Is he deceiving me about dope     no   Will you tell me in a plain sentence what the truth is     you're deceived about graduation, dominance, improvement, regret Is that it?     I have no clue what that means     He has graduated from dominance by improving regret     Has he ever wanted to dominate me     no So is the curly-haired woman me     Should I talk to her     Will you talk to me     YES   Were you having pleasure when he was stroking in your mouth     YES Do you like him     YES Are you a hooker     no Really, really pleasure     yes Do you think he was trying to dominate you     no Are you degraded by that     no   Will you tell me what you think of him     betrayal, family, judgment, beginning He is betrayed by his family and beginning to have judgment     yes Do you like him to fuck you in the mouth     yes It's really unpleasant     yes It's unpleasant but you like it     YES You like it sexually     YES   I don't understand, can you explain it to me     improvement, in quest of, integration, and energy Something about womanness     YES Getting the head into being a hole     Is the woman in me happy to be a hole     YES I'm very nervous about receptivity     YES I'd rather assert myself     no A baby asserts and receives, could I do that     YES Do you assert yourself     yes Can I assert while receiving     no Can you     YES   I receive when it's safe, because I don't assert     YES Do you mean I'm more aggressive when I'm more sexual     YES The way I was with Rob     yes Could I be that way with Tom     YES I think he wants to dominate me but he doesn't     YES But he doesn't want me to be sexually eager with him     NO 1st April I bought the ticket. The soft air of spring has entered my bones. Pender Street is silly frilly pink. In the daytime I can unplug the heater and let the yellow door stand open. When I encouraged her, the hygienist leaned into my front teeth with her vibrating froth and they are whiter than I remember seeing them. I think Koo may actually have fixed the starter. And now it's Saturday night and there's Sunday, Monday, for work. Where should I start. I start with chapter 1. It bores me. I don't believe in the problem. I just want to laze around feeling pleasure. I'm not an intellectual person. I do want to finish the work, and I've had days of fun this week. Work woman, will you come     YES Is there something you need from me     responsible reserve and tempering the uncon Tempering the uncon means directing it     yes Understand it's an altered state     yes Are you okay with the stress     no Is there something you'd like for that     don't exclude it Do you mean be willing to feel it     YES If it is felt is it less dangerous     YES   Is there a way I can move over and let you in     yes Quickly?     yes Will you tell me how     process, shared, loss, addiction Loss and addiction?     YES Do you mean crash     YES Go in search of a crash     YES Will you explain     shared loss slow growth, fighting, deception, secrecy A loss of sharing     yes Addiction covers it     yes   Is it work woman who is telling me this     YES Process a particular loss of sharing     yes What I've felt about my work     yes That grief about not sharing     YES That's what you are feeling     YES What I said to Joyce - was that you?     YES She didn't understand you very well     NO She did?     yes   Do you feel grief at not being seen by me     yes You were there at that moment and I stormed in     yes Am I an unreal person     no Your grief at not being seen is not an illusion     yes Do you have the austerity of left hand man     yes Are you a monk     no Is there a quick way to that grief     yes balance in the midst of change If I start trying to write you'll come     yes   Is there a particular part of my body I can use to call you     yoga Should I imagine you looking some way yes     (2c) Like that woman     yes (speck of tears and I kiss her) Do you have a laurel crown around your head     yes You're a woman writer     yes I'm so happy you look like that     yes I was afraid you were black and white     yes I'll do yoga now     YES 5th Reading VW, The shorter diary, which I plucked from the PR6000's on the way to the elevator from the Fine Arts Room. Noticing that I'm noticing differently this time. I am more technically interested in what it took to make her the one who wrote The waves. I'm more like Dorothy, and Dorothy is more the philosopher. VW is astonishingly active. She has Leonard keeping her involved among the powers. Politics, publishing. "I love the chatter and excitement of other people's houses. I want to make life fuller and fuller." Leonard sets up the press and it brings them the best new writers wanting something they've got. He edits The nation and she gets her pick of books to review. (Her brother publishes her first two novels.) She brings her own dowry of course - income, and the best connections. But her left hand man is perfectly her promoter. Dorothy did it without. Dorothy - here's a fact I have never noticed - is wonderful at conversations; though she is called egotistical she has a huge steadiness. VW dashes. Would I like wonderful famous friends? What I have is odd people plus Louie. 6th Thursday morning. The term ended yesterday. The last tutorials. I look at my students with a pang. They dash away without saying goodbye. Gillian came to the last tutorial and sat in a corner. You have a lovely rapport, she said after. I was glad she'd seen that, their ease with me. Now I have thirteen days 'til their exam and its office hours. A letter of agreement to draft with the Indians. Muggs was here last night. She's glad I'm coming to the meeting, she wants some weight there, she says. I'm glad I still have some, I don't earn it any more, I call after her as she's going down the steps. This is where you earn it, Ellie, she says, laughing. I step in behind her when she, as very rarely, fails. VW. She had a pinnacle in 1931. She'd worked up to The waves. She was making money. Writing easily. Famous. Beautiful summers at Rodmell. In 1932 Lytton and Roger died. She was fifty. At 59 she said, It's over. The slide was ten years. "... and there wandered in the desolate ruins of my old squares ... all that completeness ravished and demolished." "Yes, I was thinking, we live without a future. That's what's queer, with our noses pressed to a closed door." What am I thinking as I read. London a vague dim memory - not vague but very fugitive. The literate air of England. What else - I'm asking whether I have time to do anything. She was past the peak at forty nine and I'm six years further. I feel the welling of pressure that is panic when I say that, I don't succeed no matter how well I work. Photos, writing, theory, I don't succeed. I don't succeed. When I was younger I said It's the work that matters, I choose the work. But now I say there is no work done if it doesn't succeed. Other people succeed. I'm able. Why don't I succeed? Because I pour my life into my lovers, it says. That is a truth so grim it stops me cold. I'm in a blank, crying. It says I used to be like that and am not, now. I can succeed now, if I act. If I use my judgment. Should I succeed? No. Let it go? Yes. Decide not to succeed. But then what? Don't be excluded, stop being excluded, it says. She was so marvelously included. That's what I feel about her. The ongoing exclusion of the life I live. I feel it's my fault. And it is. No, it says, people exclude you. Still for that reason? No. Will you say why they exclude me now? Your anger. Yes, it's true. My anger will not just go away.     no, it could What would it take?     exclusion, withdrawal, come through to, intimacy I don't know how to do that     no I'm full of hatred     And withdrawn because I'm afraid to show it     That's as far as I've got       So is that the real reason I don't succeed     At that point I'm stopped in resignation, I say it will always be like that, there's nothing to be done. Faking doesn't work, I can't miraculously change, I'll go on being isolated     no, you're growing slowly, improve anger by learning to rest By learning to rest?     Rest from what     worrying about success Don't I rest from that constantly     no you evade it Give myself permission never to succeed     This is very hard - I fall into a blank - I'm afraid to give up an inner pressure. I want to say, dear higher self, it worries me to do this, but if it is better that I don't succeed - if it is better for me to be obscure - if it is better that my work should be as unknown forever as it is now - if it is better that everything I've done already should die ... Can I genuinely turn it over if I have that little hope?     Is it like saying not my will but thine?     There's a large resistance: it says, NO, I have to be special. Dear larger one I love and trust you and I do not want to live with this useless pressure any more. I do give it up. Have I done it     Is there something next     a quest What there is if there isn't that     Will you tell me     NO 7 Lonely and miserable. I didn't like Tom yesterday. He is what he is and it's nothing to do with me. Being attached to him is like being attached to Jam. He's loveless. He doesn't see or feel me, there is no warm stream of affection from him. He wants me kept attached so he'll be stable on the ledge where he lives alone. It is fruitless to me. It ties me into a life that has nothing in it for me. There's nothing he does, no one he knows, that's relevant to me. But I can't leave without excruciating pain and pitiful failure. Where else am I depressed. My entire circumstance is irrelevant to me. I live alone, alone. I am living without financial pinch by being $9000 in debt, and it will be more. No one wants me for anything though I'm everything I am. I will slog on and finish the thesis and nothing will come of it. I have worked and spent money with Joyce and I am less crazy but also as if somehow less myself. I don't feel my center. I don't feel my gift. I'm in house arrest without a cause. If I give up hope of succeeding, if there isn't going to be a success up ahead, I'm a bundle of grey rags, nothing, an ugly huddle of bloat and flab waiting out my twenty years in front of a TV in public housing. Flossing night and morning. You want to comment     you will be happy, silly, when you end illusion What illusion must I end     something about dominion: reserve, end of illusion, temper, judgment I'm not understanding this     I have an illusion     I'm willing to give it up     But I have no clue what you mean, I'm not understanding you, I just want to lie down and zone out, will you lead me       Is this depression the hopelessness that follows giving up hope     YES That means the hope was there to keep me from depression     Nothing I can do seems worth doing     It is all too mediocre     Is that an illusion     no But I should be asking, where's my flow     YES Will you tell me where it is     with your anger But my anger is what prevents me from succeeding     YES That's a true bind     YES   Joyce was wrong about that dream     NO It's about flow     My reception is with my aggression     YES I need a war     YES Or a fuck     YES Both?     The boots are there for me to put on     Shall I go to war in some way     YES Will you tell me what to fight for     newness Will you tell me who to fight     left hand man Tom himself?     yes and no Animus     YES And who must fight him     the one who has come through Work woman     YES Love woman     no It's not a romantic fight     It's a fight for recognition     I was sobbing and sobbing today. What is it? It's a feeling of being useless and unwanted and hopeless. Then the appalling sight of myself at Value Village, flesh blotched, drooping and dimpling, miserable wrecked old head, hair coarse grey and straggling in wisps. It is going to get much worse, but will I ever feel it as worse than what I saw? But the crying was more about not knowing what to do, where to go, how to go on. Unless I find an extraordinary impulse and faith, there will only be closed doors. I am not finding any impulse and my faith is somehow sinking. I don't know why. Because no one responds to me. No one wants me. No one reads my papers or looks at my website or wants my beautiful capabilities at all. Should I phone someone. No one would know what to do with me. I have to wait it out. Do you want to lead me     fight I'm somehow ruined     NO I'm hopeless     Fight now?     no, in the world No one wants me     I must fight to make them want me     YES Do I have any weapons     YES I used to have beauty     And it's gone     Will you tell me what to use now     anger People hate an old angry woman even more than a young one     YES Fight to make people want my papers     I can't make them     Tom won't want me now I'm so ugly     NO I don't know how to fight     graduate Should I stop now     no You want me to keep asking     No one is going to hire me     I'm going to go back to excruciating poverty     no Please tell me what you want me to do     deception, coming through, balanced forces, (Qp) Will you tell me what you want me to do in relation to work     teach, imagining/illusion, and keep on researching But how will I fund myself     by anger This summer I'm going to be so poor     no Do you promise me there will be enough money     This summer     And later     8 The first thing up this morning is a complaint about (Tom's) complacency, his lack of curiosity and response. I've bracketed T's name because although it is often true of him, I think I'll readdress the complaint to left hand man with his large remoteness. He sits there morose in black jacket and pants, white shirt, turned away from me. Impassive. Rage would energize him. Nothing else. If he were attacked he'd stand up suddenly and notch his arrow with deadly cold intent. How bored he is, always holding himself back. He won't turn criminal: where is the righteous war that needs him? Is this the question to ask? I grounded myself yesterday in my true sorrow. That sorrow says fight or die. But he won't fight for a woman's fame in art or philosophy. He doesn't attend to either of those topics; he doesn't attend to women at all. Here I think of Ed and wonder what exactly internalization is - how his attitude to me becomes my attitude to myself, but only in an aspect, only in relation to self promotion, and then not consciously, only as a lack of impulse. Something that doesn't happen. So much harm was done. The one who blocks the natural impulse is installed as the block. Really left hand man is just the block. It's a relief to know who I'm fighting with. I must not be tender to him. They do it to make us dependent. I must not take him at his own valuation. He thinks he's a hero but he does nothing. Now, work woman is Virginia Woolf in a blue dress. Young. She looks like Rhoda. She's the woman writing in the white room with the fireplaces. Does she replace left hand man? Yes. She lives in the left hand room and he dies. He goes on as the iron in my spine. I feel it there now. Love woman lives in the right hand room. Joyce was wrong about the fucking scene. It was left hand man fucking over love woman. Love woman has a weakness for left hand man. Left hand man, are you there     yes Are you afraid     yes I do want you to die     yes Is there something you want to say     I will graduate from loss by construction of love man ! Is that what he's supposed to do     Is love man another figure     Does he live in the house     Does he have a room     He sleeps with love woman     And work woman lives in the other room     YES   Left hand man are you happy with that     yes You are going to die into love man     yes Right now?     yes Love man are you there     yes You are very, very welcome into my house     yes The spine is the fireplace     YES Love man do you have anything to say     I was delayed by the disillusionment and withdrawal of the child By loving love woman you rescue her from instinct and disillusionment and greed     yes Is there more you want to say     I fight her illusions and losses   So you are a warrior too     yes You're a warrior of love     YES (tears) You have warm eyes     YES Would you like to show yourself to me     YES You have a flush     yes Warm palms held out     yes So Tom has been you too     yes Do you want to say more     I evaded coming through your oppression You didn't want to feel it     yes You have been the source of my evasion     yes You were already there?     yes But like Rob evading stress     YES   My love man was weak     My work man remote     Now they've merged     YES Do you feel better?     yes Am I supposed to have the plans for all of us     YES So it's what the house wants to do     YES   Shall I talk to the house     House are you there     YES Is there something you'd like to say     I have been delayed by anger uncompleted because evaded Are you completed now     yes   I am completed now     yes Does that mean I can put my feet on the floor and I'll know what to do     yes Do you want to say more     strong research in child's persistence Is there a child in the house     yes A little bare-legged child     yes The child persists in imagining a house     yes There are three adults who love her     YES She's sitting on the warm floor with a book     YES When work woman goes into the studio they are still there with her     yes She sleeps in the room with love woman and love man     yes Her lovely chubby little legs in the sun on the warm floor     yes   The question is, what book is she looking at     YES   It's a book with a picture on the top left half of the page, text below. Text on the right. I can't see the picture. Is it a fairy tale?     yes Shall I ask her     no Shall I ask the book       Book will you tell me about you     YES, I'm about recovering early love by processing/structuring/teaching/learning Are you a fairy tale about that?     no, an illustration House do we want to finish the thesis     yes Do we want to use what's already written     yes Is the thesis about recovering early love     no Do you want me to write a book about that     yes About the work with Joyce     yes A fairy tale     yes How was that. Very plausible. My heart is warm. I was startled at left hand man's willingness to go; I was startled that was what was needed. I'm always startled by the autonomy of the figures: they have things to say that I had no idea they knew. Also I like the coming-true of the imagined house. No, seeing the way it was true before, too, the blankness, uncertainty, of the left hand room, and really of the right hand room too. Thinking of love woman with a man and a child in her bed is very sweet. I hadn't thought of it. I assumed the man had to be in the other room. It's right for work woman to be in the other room. She can invite any of them into the studio, and when she's there working alone they can move around in the lovely house with light shining into the corridor from the open door, and sun on the floor at the open heart of the house where the child plays and talks and daddy comes and scoops her onto his lap. I was doing something I haven't done for a while, doing it a couple of beats behind because I'd forgotten to give that kind of attention - I mean taking my cue from what I saw. It's flow and wealth to do that. Work woman are you pleased     YES The house is in order     YES Do you want to go into the studio     yes Do you want to work on the thesis     yes You'll have lunch with the family     YES Is there somewhere you want to start     yes, tyranny come through improvement of early love Your own tyranny     YES Do you feel you're a tyrant     YES Do you tyrannize the others     no Me?     yes Do you want to be more loving to me     YES Can you still work if you are     yes Can you work as well     yes Are you the breadwinner     YES   What do you want to do differently     process persistence of betrayal by valor You have betrayed my valor     yes Do you mean use it for bad ends     yes You've abused my bravery     yes Because you want to get ahead     yes Do you mean you deceive me     yes We bluff for your sake     YES You don't let me know the actual dangers     yes And then I'm the one who suffers the consequences     YES What are the consequences     not coming through Blindness and blankness     YES For instance when I'm teaching     YES You want to trust me to know the dangers     yes And you'll help me deal with them     YES   Do you want to say more     I want to process your father's anger to get energy That rage is the source of left hand man's turning away     YES He doesn't want to do harm     yes Do you know how to process it     YES, judgment balancing its betrayal and foolishness See it for what it is     YES Do you mean see his innocence     YES Go see actual Ed     yes Process it that way     no Is that the way to get the energy     yes Love man needs to see its innocence     yes   Do you want to say more     marriage, passage from difficulties, compulsion, and suspicion Whose marriage?     love woman and love man My father's compulsion and paranoia     YES More on that topic     love woman will grow slowly by practical contemplation As I have done with Tom     no I mean something else Will you say what     practical contemplation is understanding her failure and defeat Is she still defeated     YES Will you explain what her defeat is     her separation from conflict and recovery: her segregation When she comes out she's separated from the others?     YES Which is why she's been kind of a whore     yes Which is what whores are, female receptivity not integrated     yes That's the rebellion - it's hers, not yours     YES Let her marry in love and trust and confidence     yes You're concerned for love woman     YES   If my mother had been love woman I would not have turned away from womanness     YES She was love woman with us but rebellious with him     YES So he was savage     YES And didn't like to be     YES And I vowed I would never marry     yes And now I will take back that vow     YES   More about that?     graduate by processing your family's innocence Now I'm ready to tell the story     yes [long sequence about actually marrying] Okay - more?     yes, restored intimacy by persisting in marriage (2c) But will you talk about you     YES About your work     YES, imagining, subtlety, paranoia, evasion You don't respect your work?     NO Those are its difficulties     yes It evades     no The difficulties of its reception?     yes Their imagining, lack of subtlety, paranoia and evasion     yes Write it first to find the true     YES Then rewrite it to deal with those limits     YES Is that practical contemplation too     YES Can you do that     no Can any of the figures     yes, love woman and love man Love pear     YES You can ask them to help mediate the work     yes Then you'll be free to write     YES Okay is that it for now     YES   (Love woman is there anything you want to say     heartbreak in marriage gain in early love) Work woman you'd be heartbroken if I married Tom     yes And it would be a gain in early love     yes Would it be a gain for you     no Do you want to work in a broken hearted way     no Will you tell me why you'd be heartbroken     loss of love woman, end of illusion of anger You'd feel you'd lost love woman     yes End of illusions built by anger     yes Are you built on anger at men     yes So you're founded on illusion     yes Are you willing to be refounded on truth     yes Would you lose quality if you were refounded     no   Is it true she would have lost love woman     Is love woman her captive now     YES Captive of rebellion     YES Will you tell me what     you need her for to keep judgment, success, brilliance and courage   Would she lose those without love woman     no You want her charm for the defense     yes The defense uses seduction     yes Does love woman die in marrying     yes Is work woman more real than love woman     no If love woman died who'd be left to be married to Tom     truth, order, lie, drink I don't understand     The true order of drunken lies     YES So is this a good idea     The marriage would fail but it would be useful     YES Would it fail in the sense that Tom would betray me     YES He'd go back to drinking and lying       And WHY would it be a good idea for me to go through this     to get rid of Tom Work woman would want it to happen     NO You want me to go through that disaster     YES Who wants me to     adjustment You think I need to be betrayed again     NO I need to feel a betrayal that already exists     no There's a structure that needs to complete itself     NO It would make a true marriage possible     NO I do not understand     for the anger, to allow anger Marry him so he can betray me so I can get angry     YES That's a good idea?     no but it's love woman's plan Really?     10 On Sunday while I was coming through Tom was doing something similar. He put his bike on the Coaster through to Oceanside, where he was miserable in his twenties. Oceanside was Dee. Then he pedaled south to Leucadia, which was Rebecca and much else. Then he kept on up the grade at Torrey Pines, with some blue flower blissing him out. And then all the way home. Forty-some miles. Integration by locomotion. He was thinking of me all day, he said, how far he's come in the last ten years. But really not much was happening until the last five. He said, Do you want to go for broke and kick out the slats, and I started kicking out the slats. Here's what I noticed yesterday. The fight to get into work went better when I wrote the protests on the other side of the page. When I stopped writing in the evening and walked out into the night to mail the tax envelope and go to the cash machine I noticed I was not wanting to get married. Before I started working I was joyful at the thought. I'm thinking more about for instance what used to happen if I smoked dope. Love woman got out of the box and sneered at work woman's pedantry and heaviness. Work woman thinks love woman is a fool and a victim, credulous. Early love is credulous, it says, and the defense is pompous. It's everybody's difficulty. Work woman can use love woman - it gets more complicated. Love woman is forced because she's such a glamour. That's the dream of the Turkish captor. I was the captor. I was forcing love woman rather than looking after her. Can love woman live safely? Can early love live safely and fearlessly? Can a woman live with honour     What is required     success, compulsion, oppression and slow growth It's the story of Psyche     The anima of women     11 Here's what I'm saying, listening to Laura Schlessinger: You defend children, and that is bracing and consoling to anyone. But there is an essential part of defense you leave out. I was a little girl growing up in the kind of family and community you praise. What I saw was that men invented everything, ran everything, preached all the sermons, built all the buildings, controlled all the money. I would open the table of contents of my English text and count the women authors. My question and great anxiety was, Am I going to be included in the world, will my brightness count? You defend the security of little girls, but you ignore their heartbroken discouragement when they see that their gifts will be refused. When you campaign to take women and their perspectives and gifts out of public life, girls can be profoundly damaged. The quality of public life is damaged too. Here is an example. I am a philosopher. There are few women in philosophy but some of the best philosophers have recently been women. Men in philosophy tend to grow nonsensically elaborate antlers and charge each other with them. They do that century after century. The women say, Let's get to the bottom of this, and they do. Their exclusion from philosophy has cost entire cultures centuries of confusion. volume 20 the golden west volume 19: 1999-2000 december-april work & days: a lifetime journal project