| edged out 9 part 2 - 1984 june-july | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
2 June 1984 Sitting in the garden, the porch light on beyond us, we're together looking toward the phlox and the rose wall. His tweed jacket, the way he sets his legs apart, the long shoe - my little legs twisted around each other - black - he's telling from his solitude - it's darker - the cloud that followed him across town - how pleasant I'm feeling his voice - have I ever felt that? - the current between our sides is warm and calm. "You're so much more mature than I am, it scares me" - though I patronize him - in this light seeing another face, his Spanish face maybe - a long light face - "about two minutes ago I felt I'd been accepted" - he's looking under the spruce where the calypso is planted - the mossy corner - "It's friendly" - I could easily put my arms around him - a thin young man like Andy - "It took me ten years just to figure out the difference between the two kinds of forest spirits" - "You did something irrevocable" - "Or I'd just be living and dying like everybody else." And oh somewhere - the tall light straight one - sweet bones, and your thin forearms and bony hands - your great desperation - because you're mortal now. The fire and no life for it. What she - harsh blank one, not mine - she's willing herself to starve me out - my breasts swelled - but what does she have for me, she has no body - a cold appearance - "I can be inspired by anybody." 4 With Donna Zapf - did I awkwardly attack - having refused to smile at Satia when she was enlisting me as a middleaged female her hands' outright flapping me away as I hang about her talking to Michaela - J in a hokey unusual accusative demanding to know why I don't look forward to her emergence - you revise me out of it - I have to see you closer to other people than you are to me - something else being done but what - is she drunk - what's she really mad about - sexual insult. What I began wanting to say - what's the matter with me, why did I say that to Donna, do I hate everyone - I said something I didn't mean - "It's maybe more interesting" - did I mean oh help you're doing something so far from me! - or: wanting them, to invite me to do it again - reverse fawning or awkward fawning - or really having that I'd like to talk to her and then seeing her particular smoothness - was she unimpressed and I knew it - maybe. Satia's stance like a temple statue - boys sopranos - in wallaby shoes - the torment of slow discussion and then bursts of formulation about little boys and computers - Walter's cowboy boots, saying "I like very much ...," bestowing on me, why - "I don't think we anticipate it I think we make it" - her face, mouth, teeth - "Dravidian" - Tamil - explosive as I know myself - Michaela staved and her voice unbearable explaining - "something I wanted to hear" - And! what happened when he asked "Do you know how to do it?" - I say "No, do you?" feeling, before I say it, it's a bold move, but why. He in his pink shirt and long-hanging tie stops, bridles, smiling, is it as if caught. "I know how to do it - yes." Or what about beginning to get used to being seen greedy blind - take my chances with impressing or not - to not-seeing while I grab a little chance to talk - like all the lonely stupids - unloved women.
'timbre' 'voices' From that position we can kiss and talk and fuck beautifully. I like a man who takes what he needs without asking and gives what he can. Enjoying looking at each other's face, so flushed and excited and loved - and sexy Saying sexy things to me like am I fucking you enough, am I - well am I? And I say Oh god yes, you're fucking me beautifully. Bluets and Spanish bayonets goosefoot morning glories and daylilies the hairy-fruited bean purslane and clotbur and sesame and panic grass and feverfew, sickle-senna in extraordinary regeneration 5th
7
Specifically: sitting here fascinated at seeing a man in tweed jacket standing in the centre of the room reaching his arm to turn on the light. A sexual negotiation - looking at his lip and tooth studying the way his face is different - is there any way I could see this man so I could give myself permission to kiss him. 8th She seems to want me to. 9 a zone of magnified power The apocalyptic woman clothed in the sun with the moon under her feet a thin wall, a sensitive wall It means concurrently that she is more vulnerable when she opens herself to these experiences, more vulnerable to aggression, and to derogation. The man who should be the guardian and student of these abilities in the woman has in our age become the proud and envious aggressor. and that if as she suspects sex is sadistic in basis, now she is in for it their natural crafts of midwifing, hypnotism, healing, dowsing, dream study and natural happiness shaking the hair, combing it out The young girl transforms to the fox. The animal would be the mouth of her instinct. "a particularly inexorable repression" of pre-Oedipal Peter Redgrove probably The wise wound I can't work - J says I should be there - I know it isn't so - was drawing RM - lie down to dream - door knocks - he has on a hat - comes in without discussion - unpacking a present I like - "It's wonderful" - putting it on - it's a child's bathrobe - tell him about the sesshin, I can look at the other one across the room - distracted by this one because his face is changing - he's looking beautiful - when he asks again where I'm from - what's going on - looking out the window thinking I could give him the letter - heart knocking - "What's wrong?" - "Nothing's wrong I was just taking a sounding" - but the look I give him and his there - intensely complicit - "Can we go out and walk around" - he wants to sit in the garden - "I wrote you a letter too but I'm embarrassed to give it to you" - "You want me to read it now?" looking afraid - I sit down and don't look - the beautiful way he stops and says "You shouldn't have to say any of this" - doesn't read the end well, crumples it into his pocket - sitting alongside, "The times I've wanted to touch you" - I'm quite distracted as if I'm alone and talking to someone - telepathy - "I'm confused, I don't know why you've come now" - hearing R's door, steps down - will I look - yes - "Who's that, your neighbour?" - Yes, my neighbour." "We could go on being friends" - "Yes but if we can't sit in a room like that" - laughing - the confusion is, is he a form of RM, are they all forms of each other - sitting with me changes him - he doesn't interest me but if I was true with him there'd be a beautiful depth - like Maggie and Nellie - and then I'd see him lose it again - he doesn't want to go all his life never having loved - he's as if RM speaking - "I avoided it" - love-in-idleness, I'm telling J - when his book comes out, is it? - what he's refused - "When I first saw you I wasn't attracted to you, I just thought you were someone to talk to." I'm hardly able to listen to him, I'm pretending to listen to him, busy thinking, what is this. 10 There are two people sitting in a room. As they go on speaking their interval changes. I want you to understand: I can transform you but I won't stay with you. "What happened to him?" When I wake before dawn is this intense electrical activity in all my body a reconstruction? It's fiery, high-pitched; and then a darker thrum maybe a train but slow. "No I'm not afraid of him, I think he's utterly gentle." When we talk about his spirits the man he becomes - - I'm a dreamer. Now I wonder, as astricted as that, is he psychopathic - the pink letter says both a penis dreaming and a boxed John - "When thou shalt sing for thy supper!" - and a dangling nose - "the other walking wounded." Then what is the body excited about - that song, when I put my arms around you, it hasn't happened for / the longest time. A starving person - the bread lines - what are his strong zones - the warm thin curves of arm - shoulder - chest. "... I saw a beautiful man come into you." My own question - why do I clamp my legs. Why am I in a frenzy toward persons who don't have it. "The way you look at the ground, it was just a split second, you were carrying your bike over a curb and there were some people coming. A movement as if you were a deformed monster." "I try not to feel ashamed that you're crippled." Is J in guilt. Sobbing that thinks it's laughing. The fantasies that don't include me - the woman who meets Robert's parents. 12
Cheryl's ugly prosperity coat and settling jowl - walking avid for street signs - I don't look. Hoping to be made beautiful again. She had two daughters earlier, illegitimately, but just now she married and had a son. She's going out to some do: her mother gave her a big diamond. Oh womb and cunt what are you up to. So aching but not erotic. Is it I'm being him. "I love you told me that." During the dry night in one breathing seeing step out from a pillar a woman in white shirt, magenta pants, bald and faceless. I jerked in fear but released quickly enough to be watching her come a few steps forward. Then that was all. "I think I'm quite desperate." To J. "A very large part in the making of babies," face come apart. I feel too tired to oversee her. What's the use of the image of the other. I stopped myself making an image of him - even the name might be the ansible by which I'd throw life out of myself. Not another idol. 13 Wake up thinking the opposite, I have to be able to adore someone. Burnaby Mountain this aft - a moment with Barry, Walter, Peter, bodies set toward me saying interested things about Trapline to each other. Seeing Michaela's sounds floating past. What direction. Sounds I could keep attention pressed to. "I like to work close to silence." The effervescence of the static ground under. What the dancer said about the movements being feelings. The imprint of the way saying goodbye Walter put two hands around my hand - warm. "Maybe we'll see you in Rome." 14 A question about not still trying to be wonderful. This day stiller, don't know what to make of the vacuum except that it's waiting. 15 What seems to be in Don J is switching between seeing and projecting integration. Ouch. My harshness or his brief routine. Looking quite delicious - swollen lip and highschool windbreaker. Thing is - it's the same with RM - I'm dreaming. 16 The little sailboat we launched in a narrow place between big ships - edging out, I give the near ship a little experimental push - our mast cracked down - I didn't think what would happen in the upper extensions when I pressed the lower. The iron axeheads, sheets, long timbers bolted in the hulk, my father has cleared inexplicably, though it's going to be burnt. I could use the timbers for a cabin, I see two long beams under the upper room, a staircase at the end and along the wall between them, where I'll put the bed so I can see out the windows, the staircase can have a door at the foot, like that house. What land, is there land with someone, is nearby far enough away. Today we go up Seymour. Sitting in the car talking. She likes to hear me say my instinct seems to take me to where I don't get what I need. New Brighton Park, I want to look at the swimming pool. Worried about being disregarded. I shouldn't have gone with you today. At A&W yelling that I shouldn't expect to have it. I'm on my side of the car vowing that I'm going to get it somewhere. And then with the young man not at all insisting on it or even minding the bad breath and lack of interest, calmed by small touch dry and warm. 17 Yelling at the girl in pink who used my bicycle, coming with it to the house, I tell the bus driver I'll be only a minute, pressing out the door past the crowd getting on, scooping up trying again the soaked cardboard box with my papers in it, going in through the basement door, they seem to be packing, the room I was in boxes assembled, the man of the house speaks from - women in the corridor as I kneel with my box, "your son Luke " - "Is he dead?" - "No he isn't dead he's here" - but not just now, he's sent off somewhere, and is in the auspices of my parents - my mother's letter to someone - her pretending amenability, "all the plaid shirts I ironed," was so she'd have a chance at indoctrinating Luke into their way - I believe it - the two of them in the estate's gate house, don't know the relation of them to this other family, it's because they're selling, but - the two skinny old folks saying when they start their course they're going to make their bodies younger - he standing against the wall sucking his stomach in, preening his chest, as I'm going out the door - the bus has gone. There is a girl baby too - the elderly mother throws her in a box - I'm thinking to say "You don't love her," the mother, sharply: "She's been good to you" - my hesitation was the baby hearing - but I want her to hear she's being disregarded - I say "You threw her into the box." JG hitting his mom. Among the reeds and on the track smells attaining: clover, wild rose, willow, yellow flag - she's furious - poor young man haunted, eggs and salt, cholesterol. What mind is blood tallow. Sanding arrive at the marsh body sighs. Again. - When can I come back here with a real person. Seeing his poor place and mite eggs in an aspirin tin - I don't ask either. Tim Stephens cuttings - Libra - flat calculation - that's it isn't it, it's a crossed line, he fell into my wait. 18 "Ellie do we have enough time?" "I don't know." "The watered parts are very happy" - I knew she'd hear it but I had to say it. Daylilies feverfew mint. Keeping on anxious listening toward J. Should I leave you alone. Am I doing the wrong thing. Is there going to be crashing and raving. Has she begun in her own direction, who waited so long to give in to each other. Panics. "Breathe deep. I mean it." "But I do feel for you, that you don't have work you like," with surprising tears. - You're so near in my language. Watching the soft power, following myself in it. C said "Are you surprising yourself?" I'm feeling, is this what that position is like - (T's and J's), giving the other what they need, not fighting: J's sweet reason. Feels like the whole mount is a fine-frequency resonator. 19 Glib and double, watching. Body is this what you want? His goon's laugh, sprung back. Dave in Riverview. The slab of tooth, narrow temples. Not inspired generosity today. Thinking of it now - wriggling on his boner - the look he has goonish naughtiness - his idea - I wanted to look in his face and do it to him. "You're too young to do this." Gawney. 20 There's disquiet - he said "I feel I'm part of you now" - the derelict. The spinning and weaving of fantasy. The delicate bachelor.
In a house - I live there with someone - a fat woman has moved in with her seven children - Sieburts' house - their eyes narrow slant, blond heads - her fat body I'm looking closely at, the sex - dispute whether she's staying - sets the chimney on fire, such a fire, no putting it out, sparks through the cracks - I go upstairs to pack my things - opening drawers - take my papers sorted with title pictures - but some of the clothes, towels, I've packed - looking at them in the dream individually, never seen them before - are not worth taking. Some people come to say goodbye. I have an impression of maybe Paul Epp, then J. I say "Well, companion," meaning, when I leave and go on to the next place, are we still on the same road. I'm doing something stupid. There are signs he's quite wonked - his laugh - the way it (the lifeguard I obeyed) felt very strange yesterday - the last time, four perfect kisses - "More?" - but yesterday shame and impersonation, and still - fantsying mending him. Fonte child "Like a man wading into the sea" - a catching, seizing. "Like a man listening intently." Elizabeth Salter 21
22 J's pleasure in Maddy with Laiwan. [Laiwan is renting a room in Jam's place on 6th] The tall fat woman with her hair up grinning as I come, fatlip, leans past my shoulder as she leaves, to say "I know who's been tickling your goatee sweetheart." Looking at her, she over her shoulder leaving, is that what she said? Mumble. "Do you?" What happened at the Carnegie today - first that - then finding my ticket fall into two - then the good-limbed boy as my head is turned to put the book in the bag, looking with intention - as it should be - the intended smile - the lame boy sitting next - the frog blackman, short chin seeming to end just under the mouth - and such unlikely large articulate hands fiddling matches under the cellophane skin - toward me - pale boy sulking because it's too much for him. [good-limbed boy is the first mention of Michael] Lying without talking after a while I notice it's there - I'm so happy to be with it, at a distance from him - and when we're arms around - but in the assignation bed the boy wants feeling sorry for - "How do I put it in?" On his heels looking at the mountains, Paul's green street, the lovely morning, his blue-grey shirt, he's glowing again, I'm looking at a beautiful boy - how does this work - I don't have mind here to see through it - I'm only countering - I only want to be meeting sensation - with my pillow and the window in the night keeping to myself - I wished the separation too - equality he says - I say "There's somewhere it is equal but you don't know how to go there." Banal explanation. A strip of negatives. He's with a man. Ie past. Looking at Edmonton through the time telescope - it's the planet B--d. Behind the door the large woman's voice like Olive Schreiner reading her work - opened, is the radio my mother's holding speaking to my father. I'm cleaning a well, lot of water, in a public building, young women attracted, wanting to know. Are there people who live over a wide range of time touching down in intermittent places supported by the ones who work through all the moments in a short span. Who else is Juan Guri - I don't know whether there's a way to listen so I'll have a better sense - no I am going to learn body now - what drama - beautiful characters I make - I listen so closely with my eyes - I'm only resolving touch and vision.
If an image is a terminus - the way Robert's today looks alive - little man - gesturing, left hand toward his genital - I crawl into the viewer cave with you - his right hand is like my foot, like a harpist's, an animal's head over his heart - I can't read the face, is it because it's signaling in parts. J saying she saw the angles of inclination. (Hello 24 A big household Carmichael lives in - he and blackhaired man, to the girls "Come and sit beside a doctor" - what should I wear, circle skirt and flats - because of his letter - then when I look at him that way he doesn't look as if he remembers it. O my spectre. Got focused in mid-summer fire. What does this mean: hearing his voice deliver his formation I'm rage. An hour later, friendly peace. Ie was it his rage. And: he'll be back (but the other one's coming). The black Honduran - a take-out pizza - "No, this is for my grandfather." Like a cold determination to get laid. In balance against and around the others. Has my beauty gone with him. The wrong determination about RM - like an intention to trap. 25 J shows me the plates of her book and I with my curly forelock tell her I'm going to be a courtesan. I say her writing still moves me. She that I am a gifted hetaira. Her touch isn't a good color. When she can give me food she's enlivened. In her floor mirror as I'm not wanting to hear what she says about reading the fertility piece I'm seeing my juvenile twisted foot. I'm not wanting to listen because I know she won't know she wants me away with young men. And telling Laiwan. Laiwan says she and her friends are not jealous because "the moments are so precious." Her emanation chased. The habit of freedom their own. 26 Squaymisch. Phone wrangle - not forgiving - she said - and hot again. Library - hat boy [Michael]. 27 Says "I will prepare myself to perceive this." 28
A part-time professor light and warm, crossing the court to the lab, colleagues who see. Sitting concentration every morning, body exact. Whiskey visits till late, a judged politic and an open follow. Working on sensing - vision, hearing, 'feeling', the magnetic sense, eros - balance, force.
29 A colored lip, eye glow, soft crease. Glamorous nose flare, or the steady. She looks like a world worker. But what. 1st July
[Still messing with Juan Guri] Stroking the warm arm at the teeshirt edge, rubbing through jean cotton carefully finding the shape of the knob. "That was fun" he says. "Banging on Kenny's door but he didn't answer so he said he'd take me home." "I was like a horse!" he brags, and I see it too. "I think maybe you need it to be something like that," "the way it was when that happened to you." Touching the delta saying hm surprised. - Hm. I want to say - his mouth, his smell. I said suddenly "hand" and grabbed it. When he was tracking me, "You had a ---." "Misgiving. How did you know it was mine?" "I felt it. I was saying, does this mean I won't get any more hugs." "No." "Told me about a position where I cross my legs, you can get into it from missionary position." "Okay, we'll try it." Just a dry run. "This is missionary position." "... and then your sate will be feeled." (Too bad that was wasted, can I tell J.) Love-making is an altered mind. It begins by little. It is its own balance, it is very quiet. When I arrive in it I am a pour of thanks. I'm saying, nothing is like this, this is all I wanted. "In my arms you're a princess." Mesa trailer court. Inspected a tarantula in a bottle, inspected a burned trailer. "That's exactly what he is - perfectly adorable." Sit up an inch or two taller when I see a pair of blue jeans and a white t-shirt, and then flop down about half a foot when it's not him." "I found out that he had been in an accident - was the only one that got out uninjured - so the guy is scared of hills now." "Tangerines they had hooked off somebody's tree." 2 In the art of John Constable the tendency to concentrate on the much-loved local scene and the process by which English painters had assimilated the lessons of Dutch landscape reached their marvelous peak. In him the regional sense was accompanied by gifts so great and feelings so sensitive that
The keeping close to the light within. It seems there should be double description - imagining myself as one among and in - and imagining myself as god in whose light all as - both to be more developed, separated - I say this often - and then to know which system one's using. 3 "To reach the hormonal balance that is necessary to give birth" The stationing of the interpretation. It's rigged by a - unassailable because it is like a kind of mimicry. I still don't know whether she's coherent on a level I don't know. 4 In night time thinking this time isn't nothing, but who should I be speaking to, to know what it is - the soft thought, ie dubious - or - that it's like an open time when I can slip into another focus - the continuous - not J or T who are tedious systems - maybe Laiwan. Starting up the stairs and stopping herself and laughing! 5 Left-handed but his right side is the free one - left he says armoured. 1. The way when he wouldn't do the garden a snarl, foiled, who? 2. The way his hand was touching my head I was made a little glad soul - oh if he can do this - "When you stroke my hair it does rescue me in some way." 3. I said I wasn't near enough to touch. He picked up my hand and set the palm on his palm. Prompt heat and into his arms. But 4. Many offences. Looseleaf cartoon. Handwriting practice. 5. I'm so bored. 6. The body goddess - "I was trying to get closer to her" - a valve shut - no I won't tell him - the women in the Carnegie who refused him and see me accepting - this unstrung kid with his boy-body accessories - the horrible codded watch - his shattering laugh, telling some grotesque timid boldness like saluting the desk, or saying to the reporter - 7. That I'm a credential though strange in his domain as he is in mine. 8. He says his social shame but I don't. 9. "I think Frank knows." 10. Norm who was fourteen years in the pen. 11. I see things as I fall asleep - steadily - people - colored lines - he has gone out to the waste field and taken a plant. 12. Going to the Wheat Pool [elevator] and asking for and being given wheat. 13. We ate cold cooked wheat, two Carnegie-ticket apples. 14. "I think you're the kind who when you get used to someone you want to be with them a lot." 15. "The only parts of my body you ever like to touch are the parts that could just as well be a man's!" 16. "I'm not fed-up, I'm sad. I think I need to really make love. I don't think you'd like it." 17. "I want somebody I can do more things with." "I think you're right to want that." "I know I'm right."
The kinds of lovers I can get always have something wrong with them. "Stand in the free position." Interested in everything to do with being a being - is that the freed form. "Buddha is yo' hus'ban." 7 Just before waking (not last night) R offering to be friends. A wood crate. Voice word by world. ---- digestive biscuit crumbs. The last comes after I think I know: makes me feel the voice someone else. - These are. Is it only loving gives me the force and balance to write. 8 Dreaming of nothing - I hold to instances when someone spoke or moved freely in a way I couldn't. As if enduring a dead time - all today gone in the journals - J on the phone trying to cast a bad spell saying she's concerned - three weeks without money coming - camera pawned - when I talk to her, sad protest I suppress - body heat died down. Tomorrow going to see Patricia [Gruben] - don't know what I want - I want an agreement for the show - students - camera access - quite panicky thinking of signing on as a student here - it's wrong. So impressionable - when I don't speak. 9 The dome roof, white light upper rooms, something has collapsed - I've come in from below to clear out my things - maybe another house - the family is leaving - looking again at the piles of my work as I pack them. Donna and P Gruben - thinking and the pariah - how carefully spoken and barefoot. Reading the Scorpio man - the silent intensity and complete concentration of his - the miracle of her willingness to trust - did I remember wrong? I felt certain it was him - hasty words, lack of respect of hidden sensitivities, escapes, jealousies, feigned disinterest that wounds them both. Seeing the discipline it would be for me. The subject of death may enter the periphery. The essence of death is created through the blend of Neptune and Pluto. An extraordinary That I don't have to fight in the same way as if he were my unadmitting dad. Whether JG was to show me how to talk to him. In praise and honour of nature they composed the ancient hymns called the Vedas. In this way emerged the gods of the elements - fire, the sun, wind, Indra the sky god, and the mountains themselves.
Set up along the intersections of the enormous high valley, colleges workshops centres of literacy
Goinkhangs rooms reserved for the inmates of the demonic world Imagine that you draw all the phenomenal objects into your spiritual self, then meditating on an ocean, perceive that your awareness floats on the water like a duck. Realize that p and p spring from your own mind and learn to meditate on your primordial mind. Then dig out the roots of delusion. meditate at every dawn by concentrating on the songs of the birds and identifying himself with them Marks resembling the female organ - changed to eyes Churning amrita The serpent is the symbol of water. The goddess half serpent, half water. A face on her belly symbolizing an unborn babe whose mother the goddess is both in an anthropological shape and in the form of the element water, which has no horizon.
Legs and beach hat - I won't have you - FUCK! He says as he leaves. Demonic with J. 11 International law and Greenham. lived on the rates
Sith - the she - their women could assume the shape of deer - they made love to humans - "the silently moving people" - the Day of Yonder Town - things left beside their hillocks for mending would be taken care of in the night - mounds of the sithein - 'little people,' 'the still folk' The scarf Footpaths through high snowy passes Bon-Po "and even today the country's interior people" 13 Leslie Seed. The way I look at her, what she wears, the spirit in the way she walks. Today she said my approach had helped her, there're times when she enjoys the writing. She's so brisk to direct my teaching. Last time I wailed. This time she reassuring me. Teaching her footnotes. Eva still not understanding what makes a sentence run-on. I tell her I understand why she wants to write in commas. She doesn't know how to grab what she doesn't know, tries to remember what I said was the right way: she wants to get by. 14 1. "Daphne said she thinks she doesn't go deep enough" 2. I don't want to touch her 3. Yelling about Dorothy Richardson 4. She's often talking about reverie. What does she mean? "Floating." Where something is spoiled by being definite. 5. I say she was a fool not to take acknowledgement in the real place where it was given, and demand it in language when it isn't true. I talk about the moment of saying "You can do anything to me that you want." I say it is surrender, but not to him - to it. I surrender my ideas, of something not being allowable. In fact when I say it I seem to mean the anus. She doesn't think to ask, she's too impressed with the word surrender, because she still thinks she can make sexual slaves. 6. "The young husband / installed" 7. Smoking, sitting alone at night, imagining the young one come up visiting, looking away also, "skinful" - ah! she couldn't explain it - meeting at a curtain. 8. The man she likes - "I thought of him for you" - I understand your riddle. 9. And then: equally, what past proscribed wants R that much? (Would you teach me how to get her?) The best. Pride says no, but is it she who could drive me. 10. "I want you to be smaller." 11. What would be recovered with her? A devastating thing? 12. Tim saying the next ten years are police, crime, hardship, hidden power. Hide in a conspicuous place. Keep what you know, if you want it to shape the time ahead, find a position in information? High tech. Thoacdien. (J saying the mixture of disciplines.) 'Communications.' In 2025 a war between those who do and those who don't. Tarot - I ask, what's the nature of the next time? It says a fair man, king of cups. What should I do for money? The lovers, harmony, agreement of inner and outer. What about the PhD? Was that 3 cups? Or the lovers again. I insist on asking, what should I do to eat. It says justice, or the lovers. I insist. It gives me two strife, competition, disaster cards. 13. "You don't go for broke." She thinks she does. 14. You're in a sulk about that writing. - 1. Robert's head with horns, hers, slit eyes 2. The dream lately 3. Something about my father, not that she's like him, more as if: he wants her, old sorcerer does. (Ask him what I want to know.) Then a fantasia - am I a terminal for him. Am I to get her for him. Is this J thinking it. She wants what he would want. She's the one who'd have made him real. Riding over there yesterday, thinking he's the one who saw bodies. 4. Who was Elfreda? 5. The poem 6. She looks poor today 7. The harem story was to see her made 8. "You're killing her" 9. Imagining Ed at the wedding, questions to ask him, that would visibly absorb him.
10. Altogether, poor as church mice, little old ladies, 'abject' the word he left on
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