| edged out volume 8 part 3 - 1984 february-march | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
5 February 1984 soit a la fois inférentiel, technicien, et révélateur Some way to present the body of work and get promoted. What people 'like,' what they want to read, what they want someone to write, what they want to write, what in writing they want valued and recognized - differences - and then the politics. What is it today - a haunt by the bad contact - uncertainty, physical uneasiness - except not with the dad, bright and certain - complaining we're in false relation, she undermines me - she praises me for what isn't my strength - it confuses me the way I can't want to touch her and then suddenly she'll show up lovely but not for me - I'm separated from desire certainty - I am so often in visual recoil and then lying down with someone I have to separate from the visible - the sag of going on in hopeless ambivalence - the porky carrier of the fine ones - and then all I have with the fine ones is the privilege of being there seeing them: they haven't come to be with me. And then: howcome I can be killed like that instantly by feeling her not wanting me to be - apprehension phoning, don't know who'll be there (my mother says); if it's the warm voice the sigh of relief - the apprehension not less after years - moments when I feel it has come into the real - by a freedom - and then it's gone - her big circle of intimates and the fantasy of my position in it, we both labour to hold. What I'd like - love-making where I love to see the body - somebody I can often be with who is firmer not keeping me uneasy - her possibility of language - heart life. Our relations with each other, I'm shocked to notice, depending on artists and work, theory, when did I last, writing Peter about Zen and the show - what there is to be alive in - the shock that this one's whole life is - German hymns, ancestral cooking, Dorothy Richardson, Leonardo, Freud - or a place, theirs here - the idea of poetry - the repertoire of recurrences, in that way I am (the images of) (was on the table with shoulders through the roof) Mary and Ed and Luke - she is me more than I am! - I am her that porky and unnamable Fine. "Whole worlds are built around common things people come to appreciate" "with small effects at many little points, these cumulative preferences shape a world." DR battling in the politics of perception, for what's to be noticed and how, whose nervous system, whose endocrine balance, whose senses, whose upbringing will feel at home in
6 By still. At the rim the little returnings. Hooked over the beam sawing roof from wharf. Quick silver. On a box end seeing a black thing. A fish jump. Already not wanting to hear.
Diffident. In the time of Homer, about 1000 BC, the world was considered to be a flat disk around a part of the Mediterranean, with some islands. who layeth the beams of his chambers in the waters pictured the earth as securely anchored in the sea that great area of dark blue, translucent, and highly saline water
The coastal contacts. This mountain ring is ablaze with volcanoes and creeping with earthquakes. Viscosity changes with temperature. Small animals may change form in different short-lived generations. Struggle for place - Cut battens - about 12 - re-close window - line back and sides - glass two panes, set - bend out bottom pipe - one for top - close pipes and fit - stuff cracks - cut benches - floor - find out about galvanized - rehang door maybe - curtain - porch and wood. 10 Lord of the house Do not come too close to the abyss and do not put yourself too far away from it. I have struggled to find everything that I could have done which would have kept me from knowing the truth.
Red filling and emptying the light in the dark.
I ask What Is to teach me. The child didn't want to be like him. His voice vaunted itself. He didn't hear what everyone else could hear. He was alone enjoying an ugly mistake. His voice arched alone. Suddenly, with thumping heart, he was translated beyond himself - strange illusion or dream, in which only symbols moved. 11 Looking through a wire fence into the edge of a forest at very small trees from an image. Carpenters' squares laid on the forest floor in an image. The children left them at the top of the lines they're working on. Like hopscotch squares but it's the boys. It's long like a trail. Looking through wire rectangles into the rim of the forest. Brown like painted at the foot, trees - my slide of the edge - an Italian painter - the artists' squares on the ground, a design - children were drawing these lines on the ground - beyond the left hand slope through. Looking through the plate glass at Germans moving. It began as a Rilke poem, what language am I reading, intended German is it, Czech. The piles leaving town, of blankets, pyjamas, bags of cloth lumps used as prostheses either on the body or in it, this quiet valley, trees on the slopes, rustic barn, a chip out of its shingling, a mile back on the highway is his - the children he'd encouraged in running and learning packed in a room to be gassed - the door they were let into and one glimpse, on the other side of another door we saw children in class - is our strength enough, looking under the door, eyes to meet ours, the children on the other side will help. "I was in true depth and am not." 12 [Electronic music concert in Vancouver at the Van East Cultural Centre] Grain pour, sounds at angles, shapes like this [sketch of stretched horizontal oval]. Rimmed eye in solidness. Free to speak, touching the indigo: "This is a nice color." She touches my cuff, "Yours is better, it's closer to it." "Sulking and glowering." "You weren't sulking during ---." Hearing the other music. "Human." Across the well in arches through thick dark air, face ovals, some hard-lit glasses, calm groups in separate frames, the arches possibly dark green, of their clothes, just under many colors, they're tints of grey, nearly, spotlights through air blue as smoke, not smoke, lights cross in front of the composition. What does it say. You keep me stuck in a low mind. 13 Centered is not going somewhere to where the center is. It's taking this oddness as it. Not where it was before. It isn't new art, it's new use of art in. We were parting the right way this time, both with tears. Bundled watching skating. "I think that I'm still fascinated seeing people's panties!" "Trudy has that too." "Did she tell you that story!" "As if she's suddenly" (gesture pulling up) "showing something." It might be wizard's blade or unimagined ignorance of something. "It's because I think we don't have very much more time; and it would be better if I were saying it without tears." "Alright, I'll lift the taboos." 14 [Gunn Neal 1951 The well at the world's end Faber & Faber] He's telling the old woman about his wife. She says the word present in the sound of his wife's name. He turns his head to look out of the window, where he sees it dark. He sees his wife where he left her, at the same moment he sees the wild man looking through the car window at her. He gets up abruptly. At the same moment the hens and roosters start to shout. Suddenly, with thumping heart, he was translated beyond himself, where what had happened that day couldn't have happened and he was the victim of a strange illusion or dream, in which only symbols moved - and swelled as he looked at them. her realm had hold of him. "That cock, you would think he laid the eggs himself." She tells him about the wild man. His own eyes went to the window and for a moment he thought he saw a face. The pallor of face or reflection vanished. In a way Peter had quite forgotten here was a dimension of being alive under the surface, where the characters moved like people under a spell, and the darkness was another kind of light. a swirl under the surface of the bottomless pool He's using the figures of it. Two men attack outsiders through their common fear of something that might exist outside of common knowledge. The most vulnerable, least offensive, is made crucially ill. The stories in everyone's mind are 1) of a clan treachery; someone murdered as he comes to the door, long ago. The knocking is its signal. 2) A young man living in that house (is said to have) heard the knock and went mad coming to a door seeing nothing. 3) A young married man, out of jealousy, suspicion, kills his wife, dumps her in the pool. Her voice is heard calling out. They leave him at the side of the water to listen. He goes 'mad'. In this story two natives stage the knocking, from above the heads of the outsiders. To be the ghost is to pass the fear to someone else. They listen to the story as if they don't know it; this commits them against their community. The sergeant wants it kept quiet, the caporal feels the sick man's crisis. The rougher man is taken by the madness like clarity, he'll kill. He stalks the cottage. He knocks. The doctor answers. The young man is better. His notion of facing it out. His concentration drew the medicine man. So there was one figure more to interrupt sequence. - I'm climbing Venables in the grey muttering There must be a way to get it clear and true. I look up and see MACLEAN Dr 900 block. - The woman getting on the bus, not seeing me [Mrs Campbell] - is it - her eagle brows straight out over her eyes - gusting strength when I find her stories - the children watching the water for Indian canoes - "You mean you don't know about the pig war?" - border times. I buttoned my shirt - she says to go on ahead, she's slow going down - my reply has understood instantly - gives it back - her same quality of lie, with the same intention to have the pleasure of the trail alone. Scraping through leaves below the trail - before it, was there a whiff? - the backs of a goat, then a furry kid, jumping down to the stream bed and then up the cleft into the forest, I'm seeing one by one the backs of a tribe filing into cover. "Gotten into a steam." "You require such a lot of verbal explanation." Look to see what the water is doing - tonight, pouring. 15
There are about 200. They have been wild since the first world war. The doing what someone else is doing - walking toward the bathhut seeing her back at the crook by the rose briar. How did the kite get there - white plastic - threshing in the branches above her - further I see her with it pulling at her wrist - "It was a sensible sight" - she walking up the pastures. Doing what someone - cleaning the bedroom - then walking out at the same time. The moment when the sun is low, and its warmth is felt coming finely concentrated upward from the water. The gentle sounds. where cross seas set up an uncomfortable jabble in commotion, not long waves, but a real sea-jabble The weekend in her house a longing for 'him,' she crying, "I think you could get quite a good man," crying when I'd put weight on the base of the neck - guys, in the heat again, that room, the rug, going away suddenly to be absorbed in it, writing the letter, her coming into the room disrupting it - I said "I fear that too," she heard "I feel that" - the something missing - the path that thought has been taking - it's that we aren't in our depth and truth - because we hold back with other people - which we do because - when she says she'll lift the taboos I'm surprised feeling it like a personal winning - alerted - what don't I know about what this is for - that she thinks it's being overcome, to accept the feeling of a desire one doesn't approve - seeing our difference: she identifying herself with self-respect and I with desire - I seeing suddenly that desire as much as other motions, could be invasion by something of someone else. Stopping the letter to go to the concert - meeting the MacLean Drive sign, then the concert and Jan, then she into her boot-strapped voice, and the next days the letter though not finished, really dead. The sensation when I saw I could speak to him but not about her - "as if she is listening" - was that the letter must be to her. With Trudy in Honey's the way I sat differently when we'd spoken, her saying of the book [Diana's] that what it isn't is committed. 16 The well at the world's end. "What did she expect to find in the well?" "Knowledge and poetry." What he knows - the going away on one's own - there being someone to go back to - a mood of expectancy induces - an old woman - cist - stones - moths - dusk - "to find the new relationship" - "rose up and drownd her, for her body was found on a bank of the river that now flowed from the well," the danger of death - the preforming power of stories - his idea of paths being conditioning - a visit accidentally to an old one - the fright of being in a life of symbols - someone who looks like him - the "grey goat" - sense of life dying into mentality - the god whiskey - he has the sense of displace clairvoyance - displaced emotion, he doing what someone else is - co-incidences - interventions - mistakes - taking his visions as real - the continuity - the 'Celts' through Yeats - to the courtesan, cauldron, fox, and he of the feathers - the well feasts and other crises - bulls and Dionysus - "It was high summer eve." The open journeys - Christian worry - the fairytale in local particular - Les Baux and cave - looking at sky color west. He takes the non-place-present as equivalent - "with the clarity of ordinary life and of the dream." He has - the idea of clairvoyance - "losing his self-importance" - the lucky professor - a schematic - suspense yarns - loose metaphor - he makes something easily common, he's still writing for the uninitiated, as the uninitiated. the gleam at the edge of the world, through it would come the old man who could put terrible shame on him Getting into a stream of the skaters, "They've found the essence of skating." "Thought stirred in the cave," ie he is the figure of thought. "His mind rose up and went wandering." "As if in oneself were two quite different men" "as if thought at its highest were but a description of vision" "could also in an instant focus itself to an eye of insight" "looking across the moor into the far dimension" "urgencies of the fighting persistent ego eased off into the ampler air of the whole self" A fundamental critique of acts of thought 17 The bench beams cut finally - cardboard lining nearly - pipe tomorrow - the new pipe - fit the butterfly - try glass again. Love and best thistles Dreamed: she showed up home in wig, hat, makeup over close stubble, a dress. She thought we should go dancing with the West Indians. I look at her hard. "Did you cut your hair?" She lifts the middle-aged wig, her black hair and the beautiful sharp mouth, the potent beauty disguised as a man disguised as a woman drudge. Don Druick is telling her the dream she told him about Laiwan, I'm in pain because she didn't tell me, it's a beautiful longing. Josie distracting saying the conditions she's having to go on living in, injections in her eyeballs. I want to steer her by talking about how she painted the chicken. But Don and Jam in the other room saying what I wish I could hear - there's a road. She mimicking the kind of student she'd have, Chinese English, I'm dazzled. Everything the dream can do - 19 The circulation of ocean water, moon and earth one bodie - three black things seeming anchored - in strong flow. Spell bound - sitting on the wood block - it's when I don't roar against attack - enthralled - gespelia substitute - his vision of me is substituted for my own - spelaion cave - writing, substituting, expliciting - OE story, statement - spalle chip as from stone - spallation of atomic neucleus (Irish spail) - spile spike, splinter, bung, pile - spillan to destroy, spoil - spoliative abstract from or lessen - spole spool - spiel play, speech - in praise as much. "Thought stirred in the cave" - the ideas - "are the object of true knowledge" - "fundamental" - obs. a remembered image of a real person or thing - ideein to see - "conceived in the mind," "a thought." What spells - Don - perhaps he's right - "diffidence" - "You're weak, when someone speaks against you you'll always suspect they know something you don't" - I'm not ready for attack when I haven't made a hefty shift into hostile encounter - Trudy saying "My friends are my enemies" - instant blaze - exactly what happens - (chimney fire - the mastery of fire) - he says what "wipes me out" - Roseanne - I'm stricken and act quickly to cover it - but I'm in confusion not knowing whether it was a blow, ie not knowing whether the other intended it as a blow - not knowing what the other means - I don't want to show I can be hurt but the cost is that I am hurt, the battle is lost because I've been shifted into defense - the cost of Trudy's ever-alert is imagining attack; and maybe beyond that, small range, she can't be where she daren't blaze. Rage is jet fuel - Mary shaking - "out of control" - chemical speed - I opt for grief. The answer is - if he's right - 1) the way I go stops me because it's got no speed 2) I opt into grief rather than anger because - maybe - I'm staying away from sex its gate - or, I hang around near revelation. Sentic mobility. Of any writing (work): what's its speed. Who am I weak toward - J when she puts on the Voice - Cheryl, Don, Roy, (Robert), Rhoda, when someone doesn't see me rather than know they don't see, and making them see, I hope to get something from their not-seeing, ie a possible improvement - if there's going to be leadership or teaching one has to be identified with its vision. I identify myself with the inferior vision and then that's what I get furious about. I should never identify myself with a vision that hasn't seen me. It was that with dope. "Anytime you want to ---" - why am I laughing like that - his grin and mine though I don't understand - the laughing was? doubting - I know you won't but still I said it - I know I won't too - so why don't I know I'm flirting? Because it's the paternal - which is also refuge in a territory. Comeon. "What I like is" - my discourse is stolen - because I jump in the current to be moving not halting - mindless is going along with. What is liking - I haven't the leverage.
The degradation of (minds) of music since late medieval, unparalleled making of melodic, harmonic and time structures
Tetrachords, diatessaron Diatonic - to stretch through, order of intervals, minor or major, with no accidentals Chromatic - a progression in half steps, therefore using accidentals ie tones other than those in a mode
The 7th tetracord a tri-tone interval the middle ages refused - intervale attractif et de résolution tonale - diabolus in musica - fa so la ti = 3 - 'abnormal' - normalized by flatting [more] The tritone - minor 6th - a resolving function - "five centuries of slow and obscure elaboration by our troubadours and minstrels" - 11th-15th - "to orient the music spirit toward the rational C major, the only scale with all the elements of harmony" - ie offering the resolver, major 3rd, or its inversion, diminished 6th. [more] So there are modes and transitions, "their transitive quality" The essay on Gaelic and English drawing from the same system of structural opposition the benefits of Union while retaining a location for the virtues of independence an ever present sense of reality and existence of the other world of psychic and spiritual experience Liveliness of consciousness 'Hellenism' - strictness of conscience 'Hebraism' (Those who) claim intellect, transparently: rivalry, feeling of control, calculation, abstraction ambition (The other) (in constant intoxication with) a trustful belief in and surrender to objects and persons The strength, self-satisfaction, social confidence and cheerful bumptiousness that money, comfort and good feeding bring to all healthy people The freedom from illusion, the power of facing facts, the nervous industry, the sharpened wits, the sensitive pride of the imaginative [woman] who has fought [her] way up through social persecution and poverty Clear-headed, sane, hardily callous to the boyish sentimentalities, susceptibilities and credulities that make the [man] the dupe of every charlatan and the idolater of every numskull, I perceive that [women] are the [only people who are like the man of man's imagination] --- --- ---, all these [the woman] may easily be [but she] is never quite the hysterical, nonsense-crammed, fact-proof, truth-terrified, unballasted sport of all the bogey panics and all the silly enthusiasms that now calls itself [masculine intelligence]. [The man] is wholly at the mercy of the imagination. [GBS praising the Irish over the English] Pisces. You're on what might be called a 'loop' in life - like a looped tape, you return to things that have already occurred, to receive an extra benefit, to re-experience, etcetera. This is just a feature of the transition you're making. [Tim Stephens] - As it happens, heaven is to one side of, and at the same level as, the point where the trails to animals all meet. Once they realize that heaven is a particular relation to this far more familiar centre highly moralistic ideal of economic human Repose and activity seemed to be collective in subtle ways. Most people don't believe it, but on a clear, moonless night you can see your own shadow by starlight. desire of substituting a sort of phonetic writing The Christian era was computed in Florence at that time from the Incarnation. Lady Day March 25 The star projects - what image? - the faintest possible human shape - onto what? - if a screen, wall. Then the outline your hand could feel - if a sphere, then a strong middle and limbs dissolved - if no thing, then an unrealized shadow growing outward huger as it goes - if it weren't for the other stars, their full approach, filling it from all sides - backing it - to the body that sees. A shadow implies a shadow - a shadow can only be thrown onto a shadow. A medium transmitting without friction - it takes no power - to set a motion in - just a touch - carried - but the circle fading - no it's not died, but the sensor must grow proportionally. We see the light - we see the source - the direction faced - why - looking at the source do we see it so intense ample closer to home: on a dark night someone 100 yards away from us strikes a match. We see the flame not because its light extends to us (its actual light extension can be measured in inches) but because a small light can be seen from a considerable distance even though it cannot extend or penetrate that distance. If we saw the match because of the extension of its light, then that light would have to light up the entire intervening distance, in this case 100 yards. An- perceive distant stars, the perception takes place within the zero time of the spatial zone
Whether we see it here and now, the star's light beside us, present; or it there the star in its distant/past
I believe distance is time. If we are in extension as objects. It's a model we can move in. As myself I see the tree trunk then the water then the shore then the sky. That's day. The outline of the tree trunk - the water - the outline of the shore - the star. 21 Bath hut - sleeping out - workroom and cot - juniper - stones - garbage burnt. Magic is simply the ancient name for science. Commitment and concentration, transparency All magic is in the will. I commit myself in one frame of attention: the record at another time will be coherent in another frame. I describe what I was dreaming; I read back maybe a description of my relation to x. I write the halting track of some thought; what I read back is in another rhythm, is jointed sometimes differently. As if: I write from the back and read from the front. No. As if I write somewhere and read somewhere else. I just did it. the words are suggested, I write them meaning by them something different than they also say. I accept the read given, too, because it seems - they seem to find it more impressive, interesting. They is sometimes the idea of Jam or the idea of Rhoda - (who do you write in mind of? this you was him. What it actually was, was: I could wonder who he's writing watched by.) Fineness what do you see. Soul who is watching you.
Unfix, like a (their image of) fighter. This idea of nimbleness. Just record don't figure out. Pleases who.
Matrix - (un-time) is between lights - from a point - it's wherever there's nothing. The expanse is zero time. Hence, its velocity is zero so that any perception which occurs within it takes place at zero or absolute velocity He posits - within a light system, light travels, it has a time. The light that arrives posits a star in space-time distance. That's for light we see reflected from things. - Looking at a source is different. Vision is quite different for neutron-star beings. Since they are tiny, their eyes are so small that they must see by ultraviolet light and soft X-rays. Living on a neutron star is like living in the middle of a charcoal fire. There is no sun or moon overhead; the 'light' comes from the hot crust of the star itself. Everything is whitish-yellow on the bottom, shading to deep red on top, where the surface faces the cold sky. The beings themselves glow white-hot, and their eyes ... stalks to avoid being blinded ... radiance. ... is what keeps the ... exist, they will ... spaceflight. [From an essay called Life on a neutron star in Omni September 1980]
Analysis of rainfall in water, release grasp release grasp. It would have to move toward shorter intervals. To see if you could still see it.
2 seconds crashing - looped - run through moog - envelopes constantly and randomly altered by white noise generator - record on 3-track mix - each a different speed slow normal faster - played backward forward full and part speed The light foci above the main sun jabble - the way they moved like sparks, they'd be fanned burning faster - single lights appearing moving extinguishing on black - they were at times white triangles fires or sailing fast - I think also [crown-shaped sketch] and round - closing my eyes a blueviolet zone above focus - greenish ring - on the grass it was the color of a scorch. 25 You're a scrawny chill. You're an old tin. You're a puff-belly hog socialite time-killer fantasist miser. I understand that I'm at the time when I don't leave but I begin to make myself strong by holding to my own in everything. And not to dream of new work because now the old work has to bring the new time. 28 Making a sound near the base of their blowholes - sound focused, fat lens, reflection is coded as seeing, Their sound can penetrate when it is beamed out; I find no reason why it wouldn't penetrate a fish, for example. The animal would not only see the shape of the fish but I believe it can also see the heart beating inside. She is 38 and thinks she could go to a college somewhere and become a philosophy professor. Where. A women's college. Walking the river flats, a Sunday afternoon, Oxford, was where other walkers seemed to see her. Is she a philosopher? She says Dorothy Richardson took the German philosophers in her own way; ideas aren't things, they pass in a person, in time and space. She could say her work for the last seven years has been locality. "I can never really be an artist, an artist has to just make something. I was always having to know what it meant." She has to begin, she says, to know what philosophy is; elaboration of mistake. Could she be wise in society? A small broad-shouldered woman in black, with a Canadian accent and a limp, a comic name, distinguished head. She's been an artist; she's going to show us her film when we interview her. How. Theory and the fantasia of origin. It doesn't matter what philosophy was. We should see and think. 29 For instance, the argument is common and peculiar to Sanskrit, Old Persian, and Greek. The feature common to all these systems is the attempt to get behind the Gap, and to put Kronos or Zeus in the first place. They were in search of something more primary than the opposites. Philosophy of science / imagining starting again with the given world / discovering observation. In the first place, they discovered that the earth is a sphere and does not rest on anything. "A band of disciples attached to a master they revere" he saying is the structure that goes forward quickest. The bad about criticism - in the fighting waiting quite a lot wondering if it's passive - noticing in both ways, for the fight and for information - pleased seeing it's provoked enough that there is going to be information - not smart enough to provoke it more - I don't like your song either - at ease - is it going to be alright really? amazed - but it's not - seeing there's real covering being done - it's true it was stupid to take the daffodils - "I sold you again this afternoon" - nipping it in the bud. March 2 What could be the worst - being arrivist artist - without apprenticeship but adeptly absorbing the essence of work they've evolved labouring in simplicity, and using it to get what by their rigor they won't have for years. (In the mail 3 or 4 happy packets from the poet) The difference between appreciating and imprinting. Is it that appreciating is about appreciation triggers. I learned a perception with them, and was mistaken thinking they knew it - but the one who does know it is J - then what is my relation to 'them' - the feeling of this is brightening - false too - do we know who's knowing. - "Your friends are having too much fun with each other." Setting another view. "You were juicier and lither." She's young today - black fringe - and thirty images in the gallery.
Don't be familiar - from it I got to be able to feel toward - singing and weeping - Arnaut Daniel's fate - the way of saying a good fuck makes her immortal. Forgetting there's a madness and using it, so I'll have tribute, who is most desperate. "Less despised and more hated." Was she trying to tell me more. Sidney. The bus driver in my hour of despair. We're taking corners in dark residential streets, he tells me sleeping in a ditch, "I cleared a place in the snow and unrolled my sleeping bag." The snow plow suddenly. What was it like waking up. 4 The mailing date - 15 Feb - writing not special but I was writing on the 12th - they brought the letter. I dream it on the 2nd, see it on the 3rd. Living in a car, clothes, routed out, Dirk asking a woman by voice whether I can cook for her, it seems I'm too well known as difficult.
Outside the sauna last night sitting on the step leaned against the door I was gyroscope the outside held still the inside rolled I held still trying to know the direction I was turning was I fainting was it going to be a vision. Stars jerking by little it was first left right diagonal up then shifted to the other side - I felt it shift - but it wasn't possible to know for sure whether even the idea of rotation was right Today in the strong light the side of my nose: one eye: quite in focus wavy (fibres) iridescent (lines) an open edge between thing and sky blue or the ordinary finger held up I can't say the gold micro-pile absorbing grand reflet [sketch of new moon] 5
In my sleep reaching direct and grabbing the young genitals - so how could I know my father was sleeping there. Going into the back edge of the garden where it's dark and dense. Can I pull myself on this shrub stem thicker next to stubs - with crocuses planted in them - moss pods - and up in there - dishes of jello - I know they're Luke's plants - having a look at the jello half eaten and saying things. In their van clean lunch. A landscape actually being painted, someone else and then me, the thick yellow has to do with my mom, it's pools or a river, I go in all over the garden with I think turquoise, dabbing between. The older man is moving the young woman (I feel it) but when he wants to stick it in he says, Hold it - it's flabby and stops - and then she notices him hailing his business friends - he's doing it for them - she drops him on the steps and goes up to the elevator - she'll go in what she's wearing, nice clothes he bought, in the hotel room - the elevator opens in Edith's college house, that she knows is next to hers, little house. Some words, she walks out, snow, in the dark, which is the way to the road, which to the woods in back, the Christmas lights tell me the front of the house. I go into my barracks, why was I assigned to this outskirts for the really radical women, it's cost me three chips off my teeth. And when I come into the long room I see someone sleeping in my space. "You're only here on weekends anyway." I have to agree, but now I don't have the corner anymore. -
when I'm home etc -
A sequence where I read by suspending the objects. What he's saying is he's pissed but can see I'm useable, he doesn't want to stop tom-catting. Rober - seizes booty. Robur is an oak, roborant a tonic. Yesterday I was believing in liking and telling, dizzyram, synchronicity shifted there, arrival on the way, today I was reading defiance selfishness unconscious hatred opportunism. Am I giving him my work hoping he'll give me - am I Jam - my body. He says he won't. And the way I want a lovely person to have instead of where I'm not, sitting in the garden where all can see it's a sweet one. My pencils say Venus Venus The smell of violets again.
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