| edged out 6 part 4 - 1983 august | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
5 August 1983 Misery about writing, in the garden by the anise hyssop. Long time of one way, writing, and unable. What. Nucula little nut.
Focus: felt shift - after, what does it feel like - and word. Voiceless writing.
Great dim face. She likes Dorothy's mind. [notes from anti-racism tract]
Fantasy experience relaxation
Anger guilt shame helplessness embarrassment Discharge - words feelings thoughts notions experiences Messages from parents - go back and reply
A non-male man and a nonwhite white person, the privilege and difficulty in both. 7 In dreams and then coming into circumstance which holds me. What I want - to tell about all I know. Feeling maybe I could move to England now. The show, [Olive Schreiner] The sky above was a dazzling radiant blue, and the light poured down over the flowers and drew their scent. I sometimes think, she said, that that curious sense of weight and depression, often appearing quite causeless, which one feels before some sudden flash of perception, is because some part of one's brain we are not conscious of has been working intensely, so the part we are conscious of is ill-supplied with blood; then something burst and it comes into consciousness. That it isn't the brain at all, with which any kind of imaginary work is done, that it's far more visceral and spinal. If it is the brain it's the back part above the spine and the whole body, especially the trunk. All she has seen and known and felt, is the substance out of which the imagination works, the bricks. The life of which it is only a part - of that we know nothing. While he works there must be only one thought - the vision. The feeling that makes a little child always run to her mother to show - that they should see it too - Not to let the thing die completely reflected in another mind as it once lived in his The throb in him lives, across the centuries, as an actual throb in me. Fossil. Your fellow life. From across all the countless ages. The artist is only an eye in the great human body, seeing for those who share his life: somewhere, sometime, his own exist. "Dedicated to my little sister Ellie who died, aged 18 months, when I was nine years old." 1873. I dare not touch my work at a lower mood than the mood I wrote it in, or I shall spoil it. If only finish this book I shall not have that agonized feeling over my life that I have over the past ten years, that I have done nothing of good for any human creature . I know it gives a voice to that which exists in the hearts of many women and some men, I know I have only tried to give expression to what was absolutely forced on me, that I have not made up one line for the sake of making it up. All other matters seem to me to be small compared to matters of sex. As if now I could branch so the hunger to tell, the huge pressure of the hunger to talk and tell, can go into somewhere it can reach its actual or ideal One. If I stop giving the telling to Jam or my mother or Trudy or anyone, and make an imagined attention to be the ground I branch into, if I go myself into the placenta - but if I make it - (if I would stop speaking, if I gave up, An imagined attention - would it make me ill, and die, because I'd pulled out of myself. I thought what would come of not being with Jam, not having to fight her, or struggle to see her, or - would be that I would be a harsh and balanced grown-up again, knowing the limit of every contact, not confused, contained, and giving out measured arms. Therapist. Who says she can't read my dreams, who doesn't like to have to work so hard, whose fat body resists, who imagines me pure, (who is like my mother), who I hope to show things, who talks so slow I have to finish her sentences, who advises me to take an easier way, is it going to be negative transference then, who says I appear withheld, who's willing to be apologetic about money, This of course is it already but is there another landscape of attention. It's there already in the right and left, in the right it's it (that's what it is: 'I am it') sparkling and flooding around, in the left it's me as a lifetime working. That maybe none of it is as the explanations go and I can see for myself something other. If it's the attention of another myself (world but -). Raised over the firefly a small dome with their hands, leaving only one tiny opening between the fingers at the top. "A peep show." And see a live candle walking about? She's just walking over the tree you made; I can see it quite plainly by the light. The fright of superior culture. When I open myself I feel it. "That you won't teach me." I have always dreamed of having a tame fish, one that would come to me when I called and lie with its slowly palpitating beautiful belly on my hand in the water and let me feel it. The supreme moment in me is that moment its eye and mine meet and a line of connection is formed between me and the life that is in it. The old love-light, the decoy, here is warmth the very memory of which, even when it is gone, binds her to him. Is human the only animal whose decoy is a lie. the amazing belief Laying out her part of it: naivete, wanting to believe the other wonderful because he is with her. The greatest wrong a man can commit toward his fellow is the willful misleading of him as to any reality; and the worst sin is the refusal to see anything. the sins of the soul that refuses to see the truth of itself and so doesn't show it. Is there something I don't know and will know. The letter that's hate but not true - the story of Roy and how I didn't understand him - is she guilty about something, it seems - Lee's meaningful stare. Today in rage hate pressure. Schreiner's letter to the husband. She realized he wanted only to be left to do it. Can she really have a man psychology by a graft. Her dreams (I don't want to hear about).
There's the way I feel myself ready to chuck her - what's the worst - that I see her having lost - that I've wrestled her out of the delusions she was using to make me feel less - that she was the kind who had to think herself more competent and couldn't bear it finding she isn't and got to dirty tricks - 'withholding'. Another way: her vulnerability, so she can't be generous, she's at sea, (leaving this place to her -) she's dropping fast. Is she - "that Sandy should be told" and why it freaked me.
She wanted to know whether Ellen had told me something? Found something out? "I don't know how to be in it." The look on my face that doesn't realize. "I found out what you've been lying about." Happy trails, kid. Library cheating puzzle. (My own card.) "Ladylike." Cathy: "that we could come back and say we wanted 9 different colors and she'd sit down and think about it." A person is gullible who's deceptive. Meilie. But one got additional gobs of energy when one ran the f Through the first circuit with its great loves And one's weakness will not become open to anybody who happens to be in possession of the small skeleton keys to it. Tenderness in the voice, certain words that one craves to hear, that single one out from other people and run rippling through body and soul like a healing spring, kindness in a difficult moment. The feeling in Cora Sandel that I don't conceive it as hard enough - I don't have the hardness of knowing I'm really up against it, it is not clear, someone wanting me dead, or I'll starve if I don't work, "Now life would begin otherwise, but beyond belief," that anyone I like to know can die at any moment, that my self will die if I am not seen as successful. - What is injury to the womb. But we want to love the person it happens to be, don't we? That's precisely when it happens, when we think we're beginning to achieve something. As if I am rehearsing the final severing. "The way you're walking - you're not in love with me any more." Born 1880 - published 1926 - at 25 she went to Paris. One can't help suspecting that in weaving her own authenticities she was aware of a kind of fakery. All her life: the question of literary morality. the school of Holy Writing that sex-starved sentimentality showing off their souls Monday 8th Writing her - the sharp pain in my breast when I've said "... the cost to the body." Sandel, Schreiner, Arbutnot, Richardson saying it doesn't distinguish who, when it's ready to love, it loves, it fastens itself, adores, wants to, dies to - the bitterness and hate these two days, crying and rage I couldn't get to without beginning to speak - these days pent without the possibility of an other, again. Alberta and freedom. [Cora Sandel 1931] The destitution. It is [sketch] 19. [19th day of menstrual cycle?] The language that belongs in the dream and the language that doesn't. The way this typewriter keeps saying J so I can't erase it. 10th "2 fucks a year 4 sweet episodes and the rest your baffled hogwash. Go be a genius somewhere else. Maybe your racist friends are more easily impressed. And aren't I dying for a real man anyway."
New moon. Does heat come on when the person wants something - the last time, boosting it, not telling that I had, her unurgency, hoping some shocking truth will come up. [Douglas Hofstadter 1975 Gödel, Escher, Bach] perceived to be magical are the outcome of complex patterns (at a level) below perception The odd-numbered notes, perfect descending chromatic scale for four octaves. Even numbered arpeggio with repeated notes. The chromatic scale comes through as a smooth envelope loud and clear but the arpeggio blurs into a kind of harmonic fog 'deeply' affecting. 11th étude opus 25 Chopin The two rhythms evenly and independently, 3-rhythm, 2-rhythm. The delicacy of the piece comes from the fact that very often when one chord flows into the next one, only a single note changes. And to add to the subtlety of this slowly shifting pattern usually the steps taken by the shifting voice are single scale steps rather than wide jumps. Revered Bach. Pure logic in music. Opus 10 étude 1, align all the crests of the massive waves, each sweep as one powerful surge. But you're playing it in 2's rather than in 3's, so smoothly, so free of accent. I knew two melodies composed of the same sequence. algebraic character of the tone-language This high melody and its halo are actually fused together in the right hand's 18 notes. Ballade in F minor.
Bright and dark horizontal lines gently descend across the entire view (after a blink), fluid left on cornea. Phosphenes - May 1981. What it feels like - something with the blue lines - who's to tell the --- things to - the nastiness is not how I want to have to go on - hope there isn't a delayed collapse - is this when I can get to bone - what shall I do with the regrets - will it be months or not so long - you egghead will you be wiser about anything.
Oscilloscope - slow it. Show - when it's ready and then - Oscilloscope - in blue slow it with sound.
[sketch]
What I've done - the clairvoyant who couldn't look in my eyes, now he wants money, his face is thicker than it was, what I'm there for, what I've been waiting to go to ask him (I lie, I don't tell him) is what he does turn up, the Devil, two with their backs to each other leashed up to the fiery brimstone. "If you've broken up a relationship; if that's so; I don't know if it is." "Yes it is." Noticing the tone, is this saying it making it true. ("Try not to be cruel, vindictive or forceful in romance" and that it's VIRGO who's my 7.) What does he say - "sudden change" - "You're going to be demanding more," the 8 cups at the centre, "what you used to put up with, you no longer will" - on the far right the card I liked, Inspiration, a woman sitting at the edge of a frame looking at night sky - "an inspiration you had a year or two ago, that the rest of this is still working out of" - then it's the separation, pressure - "Do you make much money? Why not?" - warrior, about value, power is results - "Oh yes I see" - about breaking the glass - "You need to cut out anything that no longer works - 2 swords - near future the sudden changes - demanding more for work, demanding more of work, less effort, more result, "That 8 of swords means your obstacles, but you can break through them or just not regard them, you find it easier to notice the negative, no that's not really true. You will be doing better work perhaps, but it won't be understood" - 6 wands reversed. Strength, the cactus, the 8 money reversed, "You can lose money easily," getting more for your work, the 9 and 10 swords ("most ominous") I don't know. "You won't know what" - I think that was where he talked about "You might get cancer and lose a leg and die," his metaphor, I have to get him to cancel that, "and it's not such a misfortune spiritually" - "But you don't actually see cancer here?" - "No" - but was that convincing. In the hand "That's interesting," "a karmic influence from a past life, perhaps; you'll learn something more about what you are when you're about 50." "You're stubborn. In your work you have a tendency to do what others want, that's bad for an artist, you have to be an egotist." Mainly this: "If you put more love into your work ." Not daring to look at her. The way she doesn't keep a sense of her own emotion, doesn't imagine when I need sustaining, the way I don't feel distinguished from her fantasy. (How can she be in love with Lee?) The way she won't head off unnecessary distress. ("I'm crying because I have to tell you." What was that?) How she keeps her loyalties in rivalry. (Some other sucker would manage - I miss that letter now - until I come to clarities.) What did I know, do I know something that's made me do it. To make sure she doesn't come back when I'm better again, and to make sure what she said wasn't purple, another nonsense of control.
To make all the goodbyes not the nonsense of keeping me sore. The way that night I felt, if I don't go back, something awful - phoning next morning was too late. - That the accusals were of the wrong things - the struggle to get her to see things - that she doesn't apologize so something feels settled, it just gets left behind, is never acknowledged. What would I like - something not bleak enduring on - I'd like Robert's arms around me for just the right amount of time, not crazy wanting it other than how it's possible - I'd like to be able to do something with music - a time doing, but not grimly, in love for it - not to have to go hard and not to be in doubt either - I'd like a time where the suspensions clear - I'd like to have people who do things, to talk to - dinner parties - paths crossing - astute seeings - attractively being around. 11th I think this is the devil, waking yesterday without memory of dreams, first night on the new bed, then typing out and going to post it - noticing I could still ask Cathy to intercept it - not remembering the interest of the times with her - it's a being set. My mother cutting pears. Was it her work? Yes it has in it always the defiance without recourse that she didn't act on. Is it that I can't see or feel or dream the finite separation unless I make it a total separation. My mother when she cut the pair without Her fat voice, her fogged voice discouraged. In white sleep - the amount she doesn't want to know, its interference. My spite, woman's competition. Strain of pity, understanding. I'm watching what happens in this language if I'm not with her. 13th ET "Your language seems very selected." "Lapse into the language of back wherever they came from." The flying dream "seemed extreme." Them - ! an actual surprise. The laughing that was real laughing: telling about Schreiner's sexual writing, "It sounds like I'd like to -." "That I know that you know - they're constantly playing with it." Robin [Blaser] and Robert. [Ellen lived upstairs from Blaser] Loneliness and crying at the mention. "It's true I've been walking around today angry at everybody I've met." "My sister talks like someone in a Kotex ad." Possibly seeing after a while, what part of the strictness is mine to make an own work. The way Jam chokes and is choked. Knowing I don't want their solution, sexual talk, I know you know. And then: why not: still wanting there to be beautiful innocence possible. "I think that if I write sexuality it means I should be having babies." There should still be trees waving hello/goodbye, forgetting what direction. Teaching and learning in the letter. She liked the characters, she got the idea of them meeting each other (which). That Duncan can discharge his studying into teaching. a sound begun before our lifetime Before the ear, only the gods heard sounds. Music then was perfect. Imagining how hearing could grow. The net was growing where. I was imagining from the centre. I was imagining the net reaching to the outside where sound is. I was imagining rootlets. It's like listening, in tension reaching for the outside where sound is. Something so simple, the jade budded. Hearing. Back to the The high one was my nervous system in operation, the low one was my blood in circulation. What hears began. The ears beginning, the nerves beginning, the brain. Does sound build it. Sound. It's from the outside. Here's a white hole, here's a point to build from, here's a spot erased - here's a white nil. Background jitter. Listening: a nothing is created for the sound to arrive into. The nothing, the screen. In this even back jitter sounds run. Hammer block. Each from its place arrives at and crosses through. Where they cross at this seed-nothing the seed-nothing learns its sphere. Keep silence like the points of a compass. Number becomes audible and flows down filling the receiver with tones and light.
A heartbeat simplified Is there proprioception before sound The jerk through the fluid How is the jerk different from the sound. It's not. it's the drumhead. It's the interruption. It's the change of state. Drumming on the change of state. White lace. Snaura. Nerve. Network. Acceleration at "I am content to say the things I have to say about those ideas." like the darkness of the night sky or the blueness [From this point it's recap summaries]
sphere detail [arrows pointing out], inclusion [arrows pointing out] radiation front, plane, spherical shell, surface frequency compression, expansion the 3-sphere, "if there is enough density" Any mass is the existence of a flowing-out constantly replenished from within itself at all points. Energy - the amount of energy it keeps to itself - "the strength of its esoteric outward-flowing staying still" The notion of mass represents the energy which the body expends internally, as opposed to what it shows the outer world. I have become very aware of microphone perspective. Fluctuations in density from galaxy to galaxy are idealized as smoothed out and the geometry of space is treated as homogenous and isotropic, curved equally in all directions. Einstein gave arguments that this bending should be great enough to curve space up into closure making the geometry that of a 3-sphere. North pole is beginning, south is close. precision to a one-hundredth of a tone
point charge, touch, pacemaker zone source, receiver as Phosphoros, as Hesperos crossing nucula little nut focus, the plant grain, particle language particle, algebraic, roots We may choose to set the star centre at any point we choose. A particular star point embedded in physical space is the absolute of an ether space and the infinitude into which it pours its forces. Wherever the point there too the plane. inwards toward a star point, a point functioning as an inner infinitude the passage through the infinite or zero unitary form of existence of the person spectator-like viewing Newton filled the entire space of the universe with interlocking forces of attraction, issuing from all particles of matter and acting on all, across the abysses of darkness. some mysterious coupling of the future with past, requires the future observer to empower past genesis. field in physics describes the integrating property at a point in space, by adding up contributions from various individual particles, so that the individual contributions can't be identified, only the sums tuned aspect of the entire local universe summation, attenuation One such singularity surrounds every sufficiently large mass. A single body is always changing with respect to the void where the partner is space. The natural soul of man is not larger in size than a single point, and on this point the form and the structure of the entire sky is potentially engraved. possibility of chemical communication between molecules over long distances and long periods of time
line sequency language "a line of tensions and relaxations" swallowing the line of event wrapped direction vector differential equation a sequence of points is a mass of relation traced out in a flow arpeggio spectrum, acceleration, shift/leap other latents to transition time being pushed from one sense into another sentic emoting, "the order of sentic states" a continuity of experience which begins to include memories of interruption
dimension or scale, simultaneity the three brains living in different dimensions at the same time has three frameworks of belief semantic differential the unknown results from stances of this knowing a depth of attention Underneath must lie some deeper structure. Magic by elements patterned at a level below that of consciousness the pregeometric - structure underpinning space homologies at the root By mathematical necessity the sequence of continuous transformation includes moments of sharp and sudden change. sentic engram knowledge of structure change in rhythm with the transition from Latin to French who had the ability of stepping into mirrors and re-emerging through any reflective surface in the land through lakes At each level one can identify elements which contrast with one another and combine with other elements to form higher-level units, and the principles of structure at each level are fundamentally the same. Since x is only form and not substance its elements have only contrastive and combinatorial properties, and at each level of structure one identifies the units or elements by their capacity to differential units of the level immediately above them. layers permeable to something analogous to light whose refraction changes from later to layer
pervasion, ground space ether grid silence, background noise matrix relaxation, satisfaction silence on the objective level The elements are timeless and the structure is timed. an imagined attention to be the ground I branch into Knowing is primary. Kepler imagined a mathematical background space in which things happen. A sound begun in our lifetime, a sound initiated before our birth, continued unabated and unchanging throughout our lifetime and extending beyond our death would be perceived as silence.
branching dendrites seeing the eye's vessel tree opening for itself a coherent path trying to make passages to work my way through but without obstructing the other ones dictionary antlers specification / speciation / limit Prigogine and choosing a gigantic structure of observation, theory and experiment irreversability the arrow - dissipative structures Bifurcation is the appearance of new states of matter at critical points - before that you have chaos. how the observations of all the participators, past present and future, join together to define what we call reality experience during the pre-myelinization Structure then becomes the only possible content of all knowledge. Some are amplified, some not. Multiple futures that hinge on -.
lateralization pairs projection, polarization separation attention 2-rhythm and 3-rhythm the two rhythms evenly and independently aware that his silent half had seen the furnace unconsciousness threshold, difference At the threshold it falls apart into two. refraction screen, reflection an Outward and an Inward: they do not operate together, though they work consistently in their own dimension genetic twoness: summation, attenuation two hemispheres, two nervous systems, two fertility nodes interference, resonance alternative two systems of the nervous system involved: one provides rock-like stability, the other feels every nuance of essentic form transduction simultaneous experience of energy and peace power and pleasure, impulse and law, language and the immediate The dominant hemisphere - controls access to channels of communication. anxiety progesterone, elation and confidence ovulation, estrogen
hover These mental controls constitute an art private to each. actively negotiating Balances of the Work the egg criss-crossed with axes banded with zones localized with areas and fields measured off by gradients traversed by potentials marked by thresholds Its surface is a field of distributed intensities rising, falling, migrating, displacing the virtual homology they see between (schizophrenia) and the biological egg incessant labour of totalization Greater complexity - more likely to fluctuate - more unstable - reorganizes - greater complexity As heating intensifies the mixture suddenly begins to self organize.
quality sentic contour
Far from equilibrium we have specificity: elephants.
skin / surface oxidization reflection skin effect in electricity tendency of alternating current to flow more densely in the outer layers and on the surface of a conductor, than in the interior mirror, rust, shiver and boundary
imagination the realm where experience is perceived symbolically beyond life the creation of the world as a realm of souls It is in the space of the other that he sees himself and point from which he sees himself is also in space.
wave great swirling tunnel of light . When the visionary passes through the tunnel he moves as this smoke moves rides as if on waves flowing into and through other waves These other waves are the urucate. Radiation is how one particle communicates with another radiation pressure on surface form in which energy exists not as matter ultraviolet hints at small diversions flowing around a standing structure Fred Scarf plasma wave investigator Recording of Voyager crossing the planet's bow shock where solar wind strikes the planet's magnetic field and flows around it.
music Returned from the spacecraft and fed into music synthesizer and tape recorder. Speeded up to 8 times its read speed. "The tape sounded like the ringing of unearthly church bells, deep gongs mixed with higher peels rising and falling as the spacecraft moved through the fluctuating waves, with a deeper, insistent background note." a line for the child singer's voice will be found to be a translation of pure part-writing I had had the weather harp tightened We have harmonies, which you have not, of quarter-sounds and lesser slides of sounds. The high one was my nervous system in operation, the low one my blood in circulation. When there is no sound hearing is most alert. Number becomes audible and flows down filling the receiver with tones and light. Blank spaces in which some elements of the parallel Some lines are allowed to vanish while others are set free to drift through alone through other strong parts in which they fleetingly form the fit. where two or more lines juxtaposed make another line or where a line splits so that some parts are held and others are the first of a branch in the series whenever a recognized wind enters in the inner parts a line flowing uniformly and in relation to it another line with single elements held a long time giving suspensions or a sense of the foundation climbing or falling hints at many subordinate harmonic changes flowing around its main chords and resists the attempt to reduce it to massed harmony ambiguities where two or more parts form a collective melody equal or superior to their individual sense, or conversely where a melodic figure becomes a mass of harmony by sustaining some notes and treating others as entries of parts The timing of each sound was a unit in the overall pattern of sounds. Thus the spaces or pauses in between sounds were, if I paid attention to them, holes in a structure. At a given moment the pauses became crystallized in my mind and formed a sort of solid grid, a structure, I was not seeing it or hearing it, I was feeling it with some unknown part of myself. I began seeing the sounds as they created patterns and then all those patterns became superimposed on the environment. For some reason my attention was focused on the large hole in the hills. There was something of a lure about it, every single sound pattern which coincided with a feature of the environment was hinged on that hole. The melody sang against a background of stars of crystalline inhuman precision. The distance to the stars, the --- between what was thought and what was not thought.
"Tone - to one one-hundredth of a tone," differences of one one-hundredth of a second do not make any statement in their songs but only use fluent words naming birds, places of their country and so on recite a long series of river and mountain names [Douglas Hofstadter 1975 Gödel, Escher, Bach] perceived to be magical are the outcome of complex patterns (at a level) below perception The odd-numbered notes, perfect descending chromatic scale for four octaves. Even numbered arpeggio with repeated notes. The chromatic scale comes through as a smooth envelope loud and clear but the arpeggio blurs into a kind of harmonic fog 'deeply' affecting. 11th étude opus 25 Chopin The two rhythms evenly and independently, 3-rhythm, 2-rhythm. The delicacy of the piece comes from the fact that very often when one chord flows into the next one, only a single note changes. And to add to the subtlety of this slowly shifting pattern usually the steps taken by the shifting voice are single scale steps rather than wide jumps. pure logic in music. Opus 10 étude 1, "align all the crests of the massive waves, each sweep as one powerful surge." But you're playing it in 2's rather than in 3's, so smoothly, so free of accent. I knew two melodies composed of the same sequence. algebraic character of the tone-language "This high melody and its halo are actually fused together in the right hand's 18 notes." Ballade in F minor.
long drawn notes in slowly rising chain from low D flat at first in microtones and then in widening steps with the second voice climbing too but lagging behind and almost independent as the listener perceives different intervals In C Terry Riley - pulse (piano) two top C's drummed continuously - 53 figures of the score - each player moves consecutively but where downbeats are place, and how long rests, up to - ends when all have done all - "teaming world of groups and subgroups forming dissolving and reforming within a modal span shifting over 45-90 minutes from C to E to C to G. Two sets of heart sounds which merged into one undulating acoustic pattern. The heavenly motions are nothing but a continuous song for several voices (perceived by the intellect not the ear).
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