| edged out 4 part 3 - 1982-1983 december-january | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
December 1982 'Floaters' Scientific American April Its eyes have just been burned. Nuer to shade, nue cloud. Marked by its mother's voice. New explosions of sound The egg (the membrane which contains the fetus and the fluids) The last month of contractions, "They prepare the child for the contractions of actual labour." The extreme slowness. How is it to be accomplished. Only with the most passionate attention. We disappear so that only the baby remains. A vein and two arteries in a sheath An orifice closes in the heart, sealing off the old route forever. A reflex implanted, breathing and anguish associated forever. Some strenuous gasps - powerful, startled, punctuated by tiny cries - exclamations of surprise and an outburst of energy. What should the hands say? What the womb has been saying. Deep and slow massage. I am alive but I have killed my mother, I am here, but my mother is gone. They are what they are, for the first time in a lifetime. Learn the fears. Respect the damage. Each act with care. Taking the half knowledge further. Remembering what it's like to be just interested in being. Having to do something: breathe.
Tests the space around it with a concentration that never falters. We should be sure the relaxation is complete, that there isn't the least resistance in the body, the least hesitation, the smallest tension, the slightest stiffness, knot, shadow of a doubt. So the back senses something is there and is reassured Movement hasn't stopped; it has gone inside. He has rid himself of his own anguish by projecting it onto the child. This process of transference will be endlessly repeated. Once the child has opened its eyes, the battle is over. Only at this moment is the child really born. It has surfaced now. [Leboyer Birth without violence] - The teacher opens and you open; both of you are in the same space. Just to present what you are. Your lover in the sense that he wants to communicate with your grotesqueness as well as your beauty. The real function of the special friend is to insult you. Fundamental bravery in handling, a willingness to fight "and a willingness to believe in the mysteriousness of -." Mystical power can only be expressed through an extraordinarily direct relationship with what is happening. Without a sense of compassion, nothing. If you hold anything back your relationship will be false, incomplete, and you will both know it. Some kind of acknowledgement that your neuroses are valid and should be included as part of the spiritual unification. We could be hit by any little deception.
- The T'ai peoples and the Cantonese even their ways of carrying loads and children the same word-order, or, as x would have said, the same ideology relic of an original freedom of position from the time when Chinese was an inflected this particle do not as a matter of course acquire almost unconsciously a modicum of knowledge of the native language 13/14 Judy driving me up the road in the old Mercury, to the (Valhalla) house, coming back in summer after the winter we'd lived there. Grass and cattle. As we come downhill the lane, near the door, the bull! next to the door, but we don't stop we go on in. The roof has gone in only this short time. Its plaster's fallen and the roof itself open over the front room, the kitchen. (Toftelands) are preparing food all through it, another party, I'm trying to gather up Jam's and my dishes, no chance now of staying, from among their pans and plates. In the large square front room the table's set, candles and, is it an anniversary, the head of the table is tilted up, by a chair tilted back. Excluded, embarrassed, obstructed. (Sick
17 Luke's voice - small sober - his radio - set for 7:30 to Terry Willis - "Yes I do" - "He's a very bonny twelve year old" - "Hi Sara it's Ellie, I wanted to wish Luke a happy birthday" - "I don't think he's asleep yet" - "Did I wake you?" - "Oh no I hadn't gone to bed yet" - why this sober small voice - "I'd love to see you" - I let him have the silence to do something with, or tumble on, not wanting to put him on the spot - he is going to ask something - "Is it snowing?" - he's going to ask something - "Kit is in Seattle?" - "He'll be back next year, I think already in summer" - "Are you still doing Lego?" - that one's important - "Yes. I have more space Lego" - what? in the end - "Just hold on a minute, I want to turn the television down" - "This is costing me lots of money, I should stop" - "Love and kisses" - "Good night" - remembers it last minute, "God bless," Roy's life, his family life - "You too" - I hang up. "You're a wonderful dancer" - she liked! Trudy's fulvous prettiness. Wanting something dirty, rauchy. The story of poking the stick up with Janet. In the back room, painting being finished and now she's on it, white fur vest one fighting sticks crash across the painting. I'm hurt (as she many times instantly). Rhoda loves Jam, Jam must love Rhoda best, broadcasting together in the painting. "A circuit through the four of us." When I see the painting room thinking I must make something wonderful - pink floors the color of Jam's sweater. The Rhoda of The waves - a nervous system that can't. "Rhoda was looking overwhelmed." "Olson says cunnus." "He got it from Pound." "You used to be smart about things like that, math." The story of the hot water bottle, boiling water. "I put it on her stomach and it opened." "It scalded you?" "It burned me." "She put on a slinky dress " "It wasn't slinky." "... to take a taxi to the hospital. She was freaked out." The man called Yule found, in an iced puddle under the trailer of his tractor-trailer, a just-born little girl. The trailer and the child's head and chest naked in an incubator, lacerated face lying head to the side, arms opened out like an ancient one. A beautiful one, thin and beautiful lacerated hand taped to an IV, laid on her back like a nailed one exposed under night and day fluorescent, laid out without hope already being saved, named Holly, offers pouring in, but she should be with a skin. Three months and then she'll be adopted. She looked k.o.ed, flattened, her beautiful head and chest being TV filmed. On the pink floors, then at night T crawls into my bed and I mend her with kisses, in the light of R's head, "brilliant." The future's either here or somewhere else. There is no past and no future. Sick - reading Left hand of darkness - in sleep after - my work inside my novel is strong gusts of the negative puffing it out in cloud sack. [sketch labeled wind punches out limbs energetic creation in the moving envelope] Like working inside a quilt cover hung out in a storm. It may have been the night there was a real storm on the coast. 'The negative,' don't know what it is. I'm wondering whether to manage myself into doing something next - wrote Tony - sent to Peter - brought plants into this back room - the blue skirt! Oh! Found as a thickness under the velvet shirt - oh blue skirt my real life I put you right on, with this plaid shirt from more lately - you've never known - Ezra came up and wouldn't settle, would go to the carpet, come back, butt under my arm - Ezra what are you, I can't imagine, unless you are what you are, a dumb beast machine - the plaid jacket was too - Shevek and Takver and Sadik - she had lost two teeth - this week without mind, was there mind before that - my discovery and its poem's little success, that seems less to me than - the balance between lines of writing - the times feeling the balance between - for you my old one - is that line in the pages you took - is there going to be thinking that doesn't address you, does the thinking I address you, not address you. Pilgrimage, Dispossessed, Golden notebook and 4-gated city, Hegel. It's an unbasedness - this mind doesn't fasten right through to any settling - whether to manage - make something of the 'discovery' that now is on the other side of a dying-out - whether it is a discovery or common knowledge, I know I got to it by a continuous line, it's as based as it can be, but then - what's the relation of that coming through my own imagery, to work in the community, ambition usefulness, the cruise missile, and therapy enthusiasms - Mao's questioning people - the knowledge of clear moments, which is - that there can be clear alert being - only a little fish, and encompassing joy - love for Luke, liking to look at T and R, the cleaving to her and sadness of missing real body love, and what else - all of them - still waiting for him to right - mind that began to be able to move but had confidence in very small range of moving and hopes a few articulations will be enough. Why was Luke's voice so small. Is he worried about war.
Sandy telling me about the woman who, when she came into the room, "I was gone" - "I didn't even tell Stephanie about her until after, there'd be no use, you might as well pack up" - "that's the base line of it" - she saying she can't remember - "I used to have an exceptional memory" - "Did you?" - she does like to talk about that married woman - she had come to understand a few things - she wanted to have a wife - "With us at first it was just sex, that's not a bad way for it to be" - "I remember somebody saying she couldn't stand the way she was enthralled by the Other" - "in some esoteric way that Western science has never heard of" - "She lied about it for a long time" - "It must have been an awful time!" - what did I gather - it let me feel Sandy having another bloodline somewhere else so maybe I really am free to - "It undermined all my other relationships ever since" - "If I ever get another chance to do that I'll just go right into it" - "She used to be very persuasive, maybe not so much now, since doubt has entered even her" - wanting to say about going off Cheryl, the puzzle - having gone through the mythology and there being just folks - "I still look for signs of having survived" - "It did take everything I knew and more than that." Blaming myself for having no exceptional knowledge or influence - this isn't enough to do with anyone - wondering if the spirit has decayed. "Being at the exact point of your instant and not vaulted over it into an intention." The balance of the head. the ease and safety of the actual A line, a transit Love being the care for someone's spirit - sitting opposite her wondering is there something I could do for her - but the old notion not being there, only as a reference. Artemis walking on the spot - the air crystallizing around her just sparkle of the beveled edges a fine shiver paler than water ah she disturbs the air and it moves with her air moving downstream along with the stream visible and invisible rivers draperies dragonflies hair and fabric the glance of Artemis pale eyes tunes it slower less volatile and there for her to see it hangs in bits rotating polyhedral fragments flashing minutely flash enlivening stirring her skin with shouts of fire chandelier ring ring then stops it into a net a honeycomb pale greens blues in shapes like tiles sustained bells granulating horizontal on the air she hears bells too she walks in a free space, it rotates around her icosahedron opens a world of dangers that only constant safeguards There was such a fine vibration in me a great delicacy. On the all it was lace stone lace very fine reforming constantly colors, very pastel, shifting, a curtain of winged things embracing, grey with colors. Chinese paintings, the clear outlines and sense of color Paper, pencil, color dots, white paint, white water color The big visceral thrill in the imagination of having a baby in me again. The texture of repression is, when you look back, noticing a blankness in a certain spot. What did I do - left that book at Paul's door with a note I had trouble over - saying it has a clue - "You're trying to make friends with Paul because of the basement key" - "I'm not" - etc. In jealousy, dislike, etc, do the exercise of going into the other and seeing yourself in them. The concept of fear and the ordinary mind are the same thing. The body isn't the temple of the spirit, it's the expression, the language of the spirit talking (to itself). What does the face tell - division - ravage under the eyes. The actual house Smelling the vanilla and knowing its meaning The end of beautiful things: objects hook. Documentation by action on the life The only language which is similar both to the structure of the world and to the nervous system [Korzybski about math] Job with horses. Posts onto the sleigh, flat, horse can push them back. Learning the horses will go in straight lines unless slanted to turn, getting near the one kicking, horse looking with intent. When he wants to send me to the farther site I have to dress. I'll be there in a minute. But haven't brought my pants. Upstairs above the offices the room of someone who I believe to be away, maybe gone for good. Looking into little cupboards near the floor. Only silks, squares in a squared pile. In the drawers, boxes similar with paper wrapping, I believe furs. The woman across the hall looking to see what I'm doing. I tell her simply. She'll give me pants. Plaid. "I'll wash them and bring them back." "I hope you have many years of happy -." Buttoning them finally downstairs she tells me he said I'd be working until March. He's gone on without minding. This place in feeling like the house of the after-death woman. And the cramping against irrelevant talk, its accepted incoherence, enthusiasms I can't speak with and don't speak against, without the dimension to be other than in prison. A mean person, rather than me: a tormented person. Watching for a likeable moment of the other's mind. J-V - missing J's focus - "There isn't a grip" - the instants of softened love looking at her thin flesh face, monkey mouth and big silver eyes - "my thieving" - black shirt, loose tie, a pretty wired man - that's how you get furry women to look at you the way I was - Dashiell and old money - bourbon - "She's almost sexless." the sparkling dog-star Sirius Light to deep red and red-brown, yellow, brown, black, grey, mauve and blue on a cram or white ground Red and white triangles and grey lines Red panels Panels filled with red circles, thin black oval shapes in association with thin black circles, various net patterns Color made from charcoal and red, yellow and brown ocher. Ocher a naturally hydrated iron oxide mixed with various earth materials. Light yellow to deep orange-red. [sketches from Assyrian? paintings] Red/blue pot gold ducks
Rectangle pool or sky Painted clay shard
[sketches of winged goddess, angel] Clay tablet, pinax
[labeled sketch of landscape painting with an open door] Today noticing a swelled feeling about 'human existence' - it is a memory from 20-21? - to do with art and literature - it's false - because it pretends to stand outside?
An analysis of rainfall in water, release grasp, release grasp. It would have to move toward shorter intervals to see if you could still see it. Layers of cloud stopping moving stopping -
emblematic visionary events, mathematical symmetries, clairvoyance, metamorphoses, biological racial recall ancient power of fright or lust mutual in one another's love and wrath all renewing If he could not be present a member of the family would place a stone before the door. "Here is ---." This would satisfy the woman in labour, as through the stone she could feel the presence of her friend. The stone was later thrown into the sea or some place where it would be safe.
boundaries 'a sound front' part of energy reflected, part passes into the adjoining medium from one system to another, of a same or different type transit - line of sight responding with greater strength to something having a frequency equal or nearly equal to its own red vapor, red fire, sunshine at night, horizon glow, snaky arrows and white arcs In designing efficient luminescent solids one seeks to contrive centers that emulate lone atoms in that they can be excited readily, and have as little dissipative coupling with their environment as possible. a phos phor the existence of a spectrum beyond the visible violet a way to speak about energy exchange between persons
Curvature Newton. He therefore suggested that light consists of corpuscles which either possess an internal vibration of their own or are in some degree controlled by waves or vibrations of the medium through which they travel. Einstein in 1905 - that excited atoms undergoing irradiation by light of the same wavelength as that which they can emit are stimulated to emit more rapidly. The light stimulated by irradiation is locked in phase with the stimulating radiation. At ordinary intensities of radiation the stimulated emission is too weak to be detected. made to lase Responding with greatest strength to something having an intensity-tuning equal or nearly equal to its own. - Analyze languages into their undefined terms and structural postulates - the semantic unconscious. Brutalizing of meaning Producing a new concept 'system function' Silence on the objective level, linked by structure to verbal structure then becomes the only possible content of all knowledge. This structure is always simple and can be given to children.
Taking words for things: forgetting what speech is. Delay for silence, delay for cortex. not understanding difference in intelligence or in information, as about placenta/moon - This wave does not, in general, retain the same shape as it advances. - Constable sketching procedure, 8" panel. The white ground implies
The mirrors are my sense of sight And the deer on each side are my consciousness. Earth tent canopy. January 3 1983 Woke up at night thinking I could write down clarities - I'll do it in the morning - this morning - thinking to get out of a trap. The postcard - reading it to her - came to see who it addressed - that I hadn't bothered to - that I hadn't - read that code - Ali Maj - uhh - she's - the way she asked have you heard from Jam - the card is for her - that means - I'm in a false - I have to leave - seed of hate - "Why don't you take it to your house for a while, it's addressed to you" - "No. NO." Shaking head - I turn back to the wall without knowing - continue! - covering the dismissedness - I will - grim - if she's downstairs there'll always - there'll never - I lied. Uncareful. Back to: that I don't have the nerve to notice and that I easily forget the war I'm in. "She's going to go on into a real life with them." [notes on herbs] That I don't notice - smoking - taking her writing from R. She would never agree to what I saw - It means I have to seal off on my own. What would change it - if I got a letter - not lit. There not being a real life with - though we go back - what is unreal in - it's not - open at heart. It goes from throat to throat. - Would like some portraits - workers with works - different stock. Visualization. Holding an image in mind and through attention to shape and detail entering gradually into its resonances. 4th
until finally if you listened with great intensity you could hear it rise and fall and tell all that there is inside them by the movement of their thoughts and words endlessly the same and endlessly different. Beth
Is the relation of conscious and unconscious optical 8 material skill
Pentagram is control, forming. -
Book - typesetting - printing Slides - dimmer - projector - rheostat for Photo reproduction Calendar blueprint Film -
Freely floating and turning in the sky "is defined by a simple and beautiful law" "my physics of the skies" Kepler Holy ghost "the space between them" Distance of planets, light as something substantial "There is a force in the sun which moves the planets" There is a force in the sun. That shape must result from two forces. 'impressions' Our thoughts have generally such an obscure implicit language [sketch of figurine in Istanbul Archeological Museum] - Before Christmas one black evening sheltering in the library vestibule waiting for the bus A black evening before Christmas, pouring rain, waiting for the 22 in the library vestibule, through the glass to: at the counter, a tall man in glasses, on his shoulder, unaccountably moving, a very small dark-haired girl, holding his forehead, looking around her comfortably, with bright intelligent eyes. He was carrying a briefcase, handing in books, never would put up his hand to steady her. -
like an unknown being who creates and produces for us Unconsciousness is a falling stone, he said of - He saw the stresses surrounding magnets and electric currents as curves in space which in his imagination were as real as if they consisted of solid matter. He visualized the universe patterned by narrow tubes through which ray-vibrations propagated. Faraday 'socialized thought' but the internal thought especially when creative the knowledge that events which are simultaneous for one observer are not necessarily simultaneous for another Traces of personalities "the unconscious personates" The very easy method: ask what is the least likely, what one can least believe.
As a boy he used to drift for hours on a lake, floating on his back and towed by the string of his kite. The personal equation = reaction time. 5 Standing at the window above the garden imagining teaching someone what the split they talk about, is: I don't have it now - J's letter - "split the world into two parts - iron curtain - earth, changing, badness; and ether, crystalline, celestial intelligences, carrying planets and stars in their orbit - denying them the same material" - intimate: the inner voice and what is known - yes that - from thinking of telling her simply how something is - lost and remembered clue. Semmelweiss' death. the images which arise directly out of abstract thought For god speaks to us more plainly in these bonds of our life than in anything we can understand. Maxwell to his wife "optically active": chemically identical, spatial structure like mirror image - left-handed molecules rotate polarized light to the left - right-handed, to the right - asymmetry of molecules specific to the live. Night of the 7th What I want now is money to work - one friend - moving around. After the small films of former times why did I dream this: I woke in a grey light, in the bed where I was. R was in a cot under the window, parallel across the room. She said "Trudy and I love you." Footsteps upstairs. The way I noticed myself nervous, ignored. Suspicions as the evening went, Sharon. "We both brought Sharon," "Sharon was a dancer." "What happened to Sharon?" "What happened to Sharon? She ran away." Black arm catching an orange folds it slickly away into the elbow, gone. We are all three mesmerized by every beauty of each other and anyone else.
By a spurious origin, by a pretended relation to poems already existing, by a thrill of mystery as if a power that can't be questioned spoke through it, by defamation of opposing, by lies about what it brings with it, happiness, help. That bubbles with red ghosts
Luria families of souls, united by the root of a common spark.
Allowing signs I might or she now know later. The speech with her "She isn't following." Then the effort even the face has to endure, saying against her stupidity, what she may understand later or in some way under her blank. Was she wanting to tell me - take the example! - what she'd become. I wasn't enough to show - clear, enough - of.
A thin mist in front of or behind the Turned on the light thinking to say: what I imagined in those days as being theirs, I can have now as my own thought. 10th Money - going on in speaking to and against M - "I'm thinking " - no - make the piece. Wrote J better. The tall shadow dropping across the curtain, is someone there, before the door Roy's voice, "when the door knocked." [Roy Kiyooka visiting] "A boouut fiiif teen years ago I tried to write something about my mother," with his eyes down, "I was not aa ble aat the time." In bed with Jan. She's talking as if we're going to, she's bubbling, the children in bed with us, the way she'll say "my man" about her (husband). "Now I have the time," "Come to Japan with me, Ma." "I am more interested in celebrating her --- than in thinking about the consciousness in the womb." Hm what's this challenge. "Yes but is it thinking about you -" and I know what I mean too. "Who?! Who?!" over his shoulder laughing. 239 billion dollars in 1984.
And raving about noses. "There was a little figure I fell in love with. I kept not believing how big the nose was." More spacious in pickup, space around the oboe. Alright I won't be anymore dismayed about that maybe be flirting. Let it flirt and phallos-workship. I'll be laughing to see it. Speaks person. "Very much." That was just candid. But the nose, why do I love it when I could love -. "The phallic woman." Vulnerable nose. Sensitive vulnerable thoughtful. Thoughtful and what about the magnets are they what makes the nose seem to listen. When 2 or 3 - in my name.
That's why: do they have the idea of separate words. Diana hitting keys - Carole in dark red sweater cooking - Rhoda's elbow in green quick small pulling up patting pinching the edge of clay bowl, bags on the table, among - rises up steam across fast Carole at the sink under. a voice hardly mature and genuinely shy to know this girl so elegant in her apprehensions, so touching and distinguished in her tiny boldness Hashish doesn't only make pictures, it commits acts. At this point you feel you are not alone in yourself. You are lodging someone else. Everything is a snare. He is going to substitute himself for you. Unlike you he dares, he commits acts that are just beyond the point where you halted through fear, not knowing it was through fear, not knowing you had halted. Devil; so the devil? Whoever it is who exists in you, it is someone who discovers your demonic possibilities. With hashish in me I am a falcon. If it is a face then through that face I will follow a trail. A look that thinks, thinks and goes through the other person's head without being excited. At a center, that this center gives me the right and the facility to look anyone straight into the eye. As soon as hashish is extinct in me, it disappears. to function at perhaps its free speed [Michaux on hashish] Gnawed - a little gnaw about J - not now - after them last night stoned - T (lying on kitchen floor, she's in chair, the silver light darkening, "He smokes you under the table")(color of the army pants) - still smoking when she was already gone - in the corridor not being able to think anything - yes it was a lovely body in the hug - blushing in the corridor to have been caught looking for a mention of it. The gnaw is - she won't like me in the wonder way - I won't be able to make the hearts clear - she won't herself dive for it - unless I go into the mainstream again - but if I do, the agony, blindness, sundering - I mean also when she goes to - I mean my own agony also, perverted into inferiority - what I imagined was how she might be willing to try things erotically, she'd be braver than - being able to be excited and try things! She hasn't yet got the idea of the use and need of the risk - I kept watching to see if she had - the time last winter did we back off - and she in her armoured words - apoptrope - is it - my spirit - so that with her hands on other - it would all be gone - and have I - when I look at that the loves are equivalent except in consent. Feeling the pull of dope: it comes with, the sense I warred against in their company, of the stupidity of the uses I'm in. It's a lure to get melted/revised. I would like to be less the face of the moments, but not either that disconnection from one to another. The revision without it being into someone else. 11th Pink sinking down out of the areas open among - we are experiencing network difficulties, we'll rejoin the network / as soon as possible - the corner building's family lights - the star I thought to say will sink, has sunk, toward the chimney - the fast moving and flashing points of light - the equator puts so much distance into 24 hours - at the pole - none - rotation, zero distance, very long shadows moving slowly of course faster as further. He says beware the purple light! "Stay as much as possible indoors." Stronger in late summer and autumn. Going away from custom - "that atmosphere of unmeaning" - imagination - a disobedience - what does it obey - claims for their work - themselves central - guilt for the ordinary affections killed - the implications - deep changes in other lives if the vision makes its mind felt - anxiety - pushing. He must watch only the trends of the inner need, treat his own imagination as the regenerative center. Those failure that force the imagination into contact with zones that resist. Grain - is crystals (remains? marks?) Lap dissolves of solid colored fields
-
Energy in the shortwave end A regular lattice (crystal)
Likeness That the understanding is of the same nature as what - Moving continuously to balance Wavelength of light approx 10,000 x diameter of air molecule
Spacy dot drawing, color and conc The deadly ultraviolet, absorption Invisible particles in the gas being formed - by condensation, chemical combination Photochem by uv, electrical and other ionizing from thunderstorms, cosmic rays, radioactivity Rayleigh's Law - scattering of energy among parts less than .1 micron is inversely proportional to (wavelength of radiation) fourth power of , ie shorter wavelength more scatter
Sky show. A big room with few people. They might sing notes. Very big brilliant white sheets of a pure color. Very intense violet blue, blue black to. something on ceiling to make lie down. Or the dark rose pink if I could. Gels but. Tungsten film. Make a screen Daemonic energy [Visiting Maggie's place on Saturna] Her house where she can see nothing, which is at the bottom of a shaft, with badly measured wood unsteady underfoot, windows junk, the centre-rotted fir plummeted just aside of, placed so fine people can come easily from the ferry, not wanting to know her writing except as she imagines success, I'm going to read next week, her calculations transparent, simple person, why is she broader, broad and hunched, the delicate scar down the side of the face. I liked your hair the way it was long, flat, why did you get this dead fluff. Come to hug me, stink of her mouth, this fatter face, the younger one, teeth rows buckled, metal, not liking not to like her bending over, not liking her plans, her sense of having to plan, at the store looking at what I was buying, not liking that she couldn't have me completely in her debt, thanking and praising, what is she thinking when she doesn't notice, 'lonely,' keep having to make up parries, that is, deflections, that she still invites me to come back. I know I'm only there because, she doesn't want me over at Campbell's, that's exactly where I'm going, over, and then right, to the beach, thin clear very slim clean bitty beach, knife edge, touch the water, taste the salt, listen to the tiny fall, the tree knee over the water arch, cautious long way around, the cabins, smoke and dog, through the forest edge, path, a last cabin, smoke but I'll go past looking in the window, two coal oil lamps, clean, who brought them, women, in a jacket with a dog, Penelope, "Penelope?," onto stone, south slope pines! Red-bark, path, stones, great split stone platforms, above, above, crawling, singing south-slope, follow along around, the point, the platform, clearing, path, put down my pants and piss on the rock, singing south-slope, where I want to be, unpin my hair, comb it, back, long, clean the comb, air behind the neck (the cedars' breathing), that's to meet the woman with the dog. A man at the last cabin, eye red, blood up to the round edge of the blue circle, his wide-spaced teeth, southern accent, through the window I see a journal, he's a writer like I know, not a writer, slight body, the sick distracting eye, a story he knows will lose if he tells it first person, the windows are well proportioned, good cabin tongue-and-groove around the table, corner-cut shelves set in above, clothes line over the stove, he brings cut rounds and leaves an axe, he brings the kerosene! The deer fence down, raspberry canes, snowdrops in rows. The eagles' cliff. The eagles cliff. The south-sloping apron of land. In the sleeping bag under the blankets webs the silk jacket, she standing facing books on the table, in the lamplight, playing guitar I didn't hear, but falling asleep startling, is the witch putting me to sleep, what can she do to me, through a bright circle around the couch, but then didn't sleep till she was upstairs. I spit into my hand, a piece of lung with a black tumor. Must take it in my hand to the hospital. Who's around. Spit, a whole lung in parts in my palm. Watching three silk eggs hatch into three big fat spotted worms. Three fat animals. We don't know what they are. I say miau, it says miau. I say wuff it says wuff but we think it isn't cat or dog (it looks like a fat spotted puppy with squared muzzle). Next morning in the room where they were left to sleep, only one, but then on the floor two footprints, convex floor-mud fish. [sketch] Arriving with, getting off with, meeting, Beth Jankola, not wanting to speak to her, but then the sweetness of her notice. Her lined eyes and kid legs.
[here a long list of quotes often in relation to life before birth]
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