| edged out 1 part 4 - 1981 november | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
17 November 1981
"It is for the rhythm I now see."
entity abstracts what it decides to use in its own self creation
Pasiphae because of lustful attraction to the white bull that had not been sacrificed (to abyssos) Okeanos
Bellowing into the The sad skin wrinkles on forearm and thigh.
Expressing for Leah and with Jam yes we're moving together in describing our time but without depth.
- Pain. Might be the day's darkness. Three times the phone rings and it's nothing. Headache. The underlayer is that J isn't calling me. I'm putting my hand to the receiver. It rings. Her child anger voice so lovely to have a reason for. Then will I be ravishing? Who do you want to ravish? Long bus journey. At #4 bus stop cold. Almost sleet and wind. An old thin woman in knitted cap, blue eyes, smiling at the chill, raised her red umbrella over her lap. An old man with fine face blue eyes thin blue-veined hands held still not in pockets or covering themselves. She studied him. The young man bad teeth long ape body singing jerk guitar dance talks for us all. Young girl keeps her head down. Business coat man stands behind shelter. I pace. It's a long time. To Boca where C is pleasant T is grumpy, C wins through by waiting and asking. Evening. Sandy's. Jam is in Joe's with R coming in. Making the smile to include the one and the other while eyes designate them with little wriggle. Maggie comes in to jostle shoulders. "Poems are coming to me really easily." This body hair cut off. Heart pain and not knowing where to look. R second reading. Then I'm at home and my past and future are more at home because I can tell I've given out something that was taken up. And she comes round in a big car and likes me. When she passes alone in the big rich car I feel for her loss of me. Red lights swerving off right up Clark going where? "I was making an a-llusion." the few who I think are of this attention I'm trying to bring you to They're three things that are going on at the same time and these three are trying to reach a fourth. The gate where the mind will not let the soul into any further progress. At that point you have (nothing but) matter. In natural things there is a truth of function. Physics - how much is transmitted of what's applied. He's susceptible, and he believes in that susceptibility alone is the act he must now master. so that I am in a very little time annihilated To light that dark is to have come to whatever it is I think any of us seeks. I knew there was a sun inside myself so that every other human being and everything in creation, was something I could see if I could keep that experience. My feeling is a sun of being experience of image or vision Newton's inner sun Imagining the sense that speaks in images the magnetic sense it is not holy art it is a jumbled sense, what does it know We are to understand every war is born of a wind. the outer centre of individual sight
Want to go home and work. Here sleepy head on arm on book, Stevens, on counter, feet between stacks of towels. Under the arm the ear in the space of the bent arm hears a system the foot feels. Red lights backing. Vibration imagined [sketch] lines. That was toe. It isn't very different from what I can make in it with attention. Throb is motor. Find out of what. The silent man spelled SHEET, could not write easily either. Big. Does he see me loving his silence. Lays down a dollar bill. Moves his mouth [in dotted letters] THIS IS FOR YOU. Thank you. "I won't tell you who the person was, but we were lying down together, night, dark. We were holding hands. We were in perfect comfort. There was no antagonism." Rain on the hand to wash the face. In the crying is the wonder, is this me, is it the ... "Her dark work is like yours." Tolerance for not feeling myself that takes it along. "That there'll be a tragic failure of perception, of faith." I'm glad she says it. "Of energy." Now will I be my own subtlety. Picked up as if before your difficulty? Refinding how to stay quiet and tell the truth. Hearing her tell it was like feeling its advent. "You were having a marriage by yourself. You know that. But what was missing was the particle of recognition." We haven't been in the willingness to know. We have neither been clinging to the true - that's my difficult hope - and tragic - where possibility returns after impossibility is felt. That was the only place we could return from. Not explain, describe! What was making an offer and watching it made. I'm calling your bluff. If you want to do it you can do it. What got said I wanted to say - that - about body - aversion therapy is not true - when was the hug - after failure - after baby? - not touching myself - is it penance or bargaining - bargaining, yes, but - well it is bargaining. What the politics are. I held strong when it was Luke at stake, I wouldn't see misery as it was, again I wouldn't see it unless it was willing to speak itself plainly, as I do show and say pain for their information, and then she did suffer terrifically and win partly through and by keeping to herself and being mean. But I've been lively and fun also and don't care about it. Only now with x, y and z. And by keeping to herself made me suppliant. And how suppliant am I willing to be. Is that the question. "I have such lovely plans for the house." "I'm afraid you'll spoil it." For where the weakness and richness is. It will be very delicate for a while. Sandy is helping her again. Still have people I look up to - that's what has to go - there'd be no one to admire - a crucial travel - I must have an ally - but that deprives me of charm of appeal - will I do without that? Yes I think I must. You want to re-enter ideality. It runs its course. If I 'work' separately with a paid friend. Can I do it without. That is their authority and my collapse. The collapse that sweetens all. The collapse is alright but has to be balanced in a demonstrated genius. Sore and exhausted. It was a five o'clock morning again. Dozing. Taken in between the bare thighs and then not felt or wanting to either. Talktalk. This is to transfer the imprint and when it's done I should
But the contact with earth life. Contact o belly There is that openness that frightens me so much.
Now I'm telling her I did right with Luke but I lost Jam and tears are in eyes. -
Who's the one who doesn't have to learn. The one with the gift everyone wants to be near. Not having to learn means what. Staying young. That is staying oneself with original power and perception. but what's the other. Wanting to know. How to get to know without paying in power and perception. How to get to know without dying away. Or how to survive the dying away. "I'm afraid you'll spoil it." It cries out over not having been acute and subtle enough and not having learned anything, being left less than before only some marvels of connection remembered. The xerox book The colloquium, read things The color photographs and the first section of movie The newspaper blue pages If it should go on one or the other of us will find a way to do it. I flirt and play but it isn't what I want because maybe you do it differently. The detail isn't interesting enough.
Giving and withholding. I have a confusion about. Crying and crying but this is the crying and crying all worried words. Howling. What's the use to be myself if never with.
When love goes outside like toward the man is it love for the person put outside. To break? Can I break and mend. If I lose all connection. Let it speak. If there is no loving connection left. Who would I ask to protect me while I went under. Not my mother who has no strength, not anyone. Maybe C. What chemical raves. I have sometimes had better. What do I know. J's pattern. Discards in grumble, the new one makes her gracious, it goes on. 22 Nov Saturday, phone early say breakfast, she doesn't refuse, bus in raincoat carrying little bag with one orange one banana, tired from waking in the dark. Sitting looking. Goodlooking. Bus stop thin Chinese girl in glasses, I see a thin limp, the way she looked and moved forward in relation. The umbrella. Don't look get into the other bed. Phone rings. Listening and sometimes not listening to the tone of voice. Wakes sociable. In the conversation single sounds of my page turning. Where are you. Come here. None of your other friends have such ascetic beds eh. What's this being taken between the thighs even up to the hair. Want her to feel my waist and then the breast. What I think I want but here it isn't. Maybe it's just trying and glad it's not -. She is slight friendly. I think I look nice. She puts two little kisses for. And I haven't come armed. I'm there feeling every bomb in the solar. Soft bombs spreading. The watcher isn't gone but its instructions aren't to resist. Wonder if it's for information or some sort of processing. What do I hear. I'm quietly hearing who my enemy is. Can I have a room. Renee wants one. She's pleased and pleased to refuse. Dizlodged you. Something broke you don't know how to recover. "I was the emperor. The prince doesn't know anything about such things as -." Until the pain sends me away and I have to wait to be brought back, by beginning to go away, and then I have to keep going away until she says something I can meet in the objective. That is a challenge I can take, and then focus. While she has gone ahead making breakfast and I eat it though it didn't seem. Meantime there's energetic planning for Sandy's birthday, another speed. I start to tell the sorrow of failure, tears begin, phone rings about car, she comes back with a hug, the small body with breasts. The failure that for a while I was able to stay with it and stay in the terror of it, and then I couldn't anymore. "I do think that sexually I ...." "I wasn't even going to bring that up." "I'm making offerings. Would you even be here if I wasn't -." "I don't know." "You were getting ready to dump me. Anita was telling how when she passes an attractive man her pelvis goes toward him." "I am what I am. You can't take that can you." Then it was [sketch], an unfocused instant. I assume for the reason of her scramble but at the same time think I should hold off for another look. Able to tell that Rhoda named it. "That means she knows it." "Yes Rhoda knows it." Then that was the unfocus: I tried out offering. We both tried it out. "I thought you were the only woman I could have a baby with." "No you could do it with anyone." I'm calling your bluff. "If that's what you want you can do it. All you have to do is get the eggs to stick together." "My doubt about you isn't genetic. For instance I'd assumed that a tall person, but with you my doubt is that you haven't a clue what's involved." "I don't have to, that's your job." "It's your job to figure it out." She had a verification from some reading about the letter, and then this week, it was, I reconceived it as, it's up to you to figure it out. Watching: I'm saying more than I know I'm willing to do, am I making a desperate appeal or am I investigating. It's being brought up. Leaving in Anna's car, bodyshop, time, on 4th Avenue she brings it back, there'd have to be hospitals, "You'd have to take out the egg and introduce it to travel to meet its -." "No no you have to take out both eggs you have to get them to stick together. It has to live in a glass house for a while." I was thinking of the glass house of my dream. In my privacy what I'm feeling is the agonies of the enterprise, surgery, being interfered with, the possibility of a damaged person, the reproductive risk, that one takes into the body, and feeds, and then looks after, another person's continuity, that for her the minute it was successfully born, it would be accomplished, the connection with me would be accomplished. (My decision that reproduction should be separate from companionship and given only its own weight - that I couldn't then stay with.) (The black woman in Toronto, textile designer, four kids, different fathers, Deux Chevaux painted in African textile.) Then she drives to the end of the dock and I accept bombs again. Hand out the window, rain, dark downpour, seabuses. Turn face away into raincoat sobbing as she knows to finish the story of the peaceful dream. But then I also had the feeling of having been there before. My sensation of the prettiness of my sorrow and face washing with cold rain water hand. The windshield steadily crying. To the steambath and frantic evening. It was first bleed. Mr Cohen, "How are you." "I'm sad." Duck, "Don't be sad." It was all evening raving and into unsleeping night and in the morning from early so that when I phoned it was to break up the pressure. I didn't say it right, not "I'm in such terrible pain" but "I suppose you feel fine today." Immediately disappointed she said no and at having been unable to do it right.
Was in the corridor interested in watching myself howl. Es wah-ren zwei Konig's kin-der / Die hatten ein' a-ander so lieb. Square mouth and breaking on the second line reliably for as many times as I wanted to repeat it, singing, howling and sobbing. Still in pain nearly crying and with a sensation slightly dispossessed calling Mr Cohen, not furious about his cheapness, rather grateful, in pain, straight, without obligation. Having stolen seemed to make us even but having quit I could complain about his secrecy about Fred's wage. The way in talking about the police in the pub I seemed to be saying police me more and then he did but I was unable to make enough to eat. And then better working on PR script with a mind for its difficulties specifically. Then catching Mark on the street seeing him without the sweetness, Irishman with dirty teeth, how does someone change so fast? Going to the store for oranges. Then Paul about post office. Then C. She laughs. "Do you want to come eat with us?" (Her voice.) "I don't have busfare. I do have busfare, only one way." "Alright." Bringing the champagne and a book. Raining! The Kollewitz from the Fine Arts Library behind the National Geographic. "Trudy wants to move her table and bed to Jam's, do you feel alright about that?" "Sure." The building given over to destruction. Carrying things through rain. Awkward fitting decisions. "Are you sure it will -." Watching the way decisions - why is it that - to cut away - Zoe's firm help. When we take off the chair's falling back, T's loving delight with Zoe, hand on Zoe's shoulder. I'm seeing it as real, experienced connection. At J's house coming like that - dark house, one light - dog begins - porchlight comes on - grey socks, hair bound, studying-clothes. She's glad to see T, will hardly look at me. I'm thinking is this conspiracy, is she in danger. Zoe's frisking loving the house. (Will she wreck it for money.) Those boots through her house is she going to feel the invasion by this wet furniture. A leaf in the corridor I pick up. On the steps Zoe saying to C "I love the -," C's nudge, she speaks clearface from her level to J, "I love your house." "Thank you." Boca. T about the back yard. I will take my coffee to the back steps. The amount of enthusiasm story allowed. Hair cutting memoria. Why Daphne doesn't remember who it was who said "When are you going to cut your hair Daphne?" Seeing T speaking it as if parody. Saying "I was looking at you imagining someone who didn't know you seeing you playing." "I wasn't playing." "Manipulative." C's focused: "She was telling me something out of her childhood, that might have -." Radio. Carole's story. How bizarre. R's voice without its beauty pronouncing. C seeing in it beautiful sections. Feeling not just intellect. "That must be a dream." "!Yes." Noticing I wasn't quite giving credit. The squash on the hillside. Color. I'm thinking I can match that. "Rutherford! No more physics!" In Kollewitz as she did dishes. "It was the self portraits." On the couch under a blanket legs alongside, heads either end, we talk about politics. "The people over the years who've been used up. The houses that have been used for a time. If that is the centre and it exists for those egos, if Jam's house is going to be used like that I'm not going to be there very much." "They were more developed than everybody else, they didn't choose their equals. If there is a vampirism, an unconsciousness in the name of superconsciousness." The analysis I came to at the outside. She is saying it's not right, I'm saying if it's control how is it done, how can it be told from anyone's own desire and development. "I don't know how Ingrid is only she seems thin to me. She used to be a spunky playful - I don't see any of that anymore."
It was making me worried for J, had I been instrumental herding her / is she going to have her ginger eaten / do I eat it already.
"Rhoda was thinking of something else, she was saying 'I might even get married.'" That was just before I came on the scene. I was Trudy's move. Now they keep that connection with each other through a third person." "But when you did it, you were the limb of the attraction. I don't like the way people drop out of each other's lives. There's something to me wonderful about the way their unconsciousnesses have been willing to do anything to keep them together." "What I don't understand is the way in every connection I've had that has really had vitality in it, there's been a large amount of evil. I don't understand how evil works. I know the good people who won't have anything to do with evil, can't be trusted to be able to -." The fantasy growing alongside, how I'll have controlling intelligence, I won't bother J but I'll give her hints to help her when she needs help. "There's a loosening. I don't know whether we could even be talking like this if there hadn't been." Oh what does she mean. T talking about the insinuating movement feeling into the interstices where it opens ahead, C saying she's imagining the kind of movement where you throw a line up ahead of yourself and then pull straight to it against the grain. T doesn't like to hear it, "institutions." The tricky. "I like that kind of job where I'm thrown into something and have to learn fast." The many tricky parts. And her too, her preparations. "She's afraid I'll spoil it." "If she feels that she must have fantasies." "She does have fantasies." "Then she's in for trouble." "Yes she is in for trouble." Is she catching up a circuit of smaller minds. C: I am her line. It was at the end when she said "Everybody has a different reality don't you think, that there really is a different truth for everyone?" "Do you think Carole's view of Al and Esther is true?" That I saw her tired and suddenly threw my arms around her and kissed her b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b (it is you always watching the writing) both cheeks. "It has been that we needed each other for something." E: watching obsession. Energy made to eat itself. Being sat in. 'Love and friendship' the weakness. Waiting for the bus, cold, head aches, wind through straw mesh. Finally walk walk walk limping heavily boots bridge overpass the neighbourhood slowing to look at asters the watery sink into park turf house gratefully 3:15. Paul will phone at 4:30. And post office, weak and ill in pressed bodies. Parcels. $4.75 [an hour] midnight shift - Here a screaming child screaming in a tone different from Luke but I know the feeling. Go to the window and see a little one, Chinese. Hesitating looking around. Screaming. I feel her as Jam screaming with injured self-love. Open the kitchen window to follow her down the alley. She's moving oddly lifting her feet. It's because she's lost her shoe on one foot. The other foot's just her sock. The wet gravelly tarmac. She's going for the end of the alley. I put on clothes fast and will rescue her. Not catching up till she gets to Campbell. There are grown men standing near a car, another car goes by. They aren't glancing at this screaming 2 or 3 year old, very small. I catch up, holding out my arms. She runs away screaming. I sit on my heels holding my arms out saying Come here. She has stopped further up. I must catch her. Do, she's fighting, screaming maybe Chinese. I hold on and say I won't hurt you, we'll find somebody who knows you. Go to the store. In the light she's quieted and has her arm firmly around my neck. I can feel tears pressing. To the grandmother at the counter: "Do you know this little girl?" "No. Is Chinese girl?" "I think so." She speaks. The girl has her lower lip pushed forward. "No talk." "We'll go to the other store and ask." She gestures diagonal question. Nod. We go up, I think I'll go back up, the alley. Around the corner comes a small stout grandmother holding up a green umbrella, pressing her heart through grey cloth. She's speaking the whole time. I say I'll carry the girl. Like my arm pressing her little fat bum but she's a weight. At the corner, which way. She folds, points the umbrella, the first house. I stand on the porch holding the girl while her grandmother hunts for the key - or is she just the babysitter - set her on the mat - watching the first moment to see whether she wants to run away. She doesn't. C and I think that if we persist in danger we'll find out what a person is.
She was talking about a service industry and I was remembering my recent impulses to bring things to Rhoda, information, and gifts, and to get something from her freely. HH Price "that many of our everyday thoughts and emotions are telepathic in origin." Lying down after the post office the sight of a mountain range at a distance, with horizontal light. I jumped realizing it was there and it jumped and split. Then I was still seeing it but differently as a held image no longer what I was in the presence of. Thinking - you love the little psychic pictures, both you and I will do things to have interesting psychic events. But we want it to signify. not to duplicate reality but to recall it, comment on it, make predictions High codability means likely recall. They can remember not the color but the name they gave it.
She was ordered undressed and knelt at the block in a bloodred petticoat. When the axeman picked up her head the auburn wig came off in his hand. "Woman the tainted being and woman the object of continuous quest." What symbolism is that. In symbol I feel pebble. Counter. It's surely the self experience. And what else. Menstruation segregation. Evil. The autonomic. the atmosphere of joyous emulation in which their social obligations the pale fox, a symbol of disorder Hey beloved o beloved "I had the fetus in my hand and had to put it in the bin." Sara. Still there in that flat. "After that I read a book that said you should hold the fetus in your hand otherwise you don't grieve properly." It was the wrong person, she was embarrassed by it. "He's socializing such a lot." "I'd lost a lot of blood. There were pools of it on the floor. They could see I was --- --- but they were still wanting their supper made." Could I go on talking to you. I don't believe in these ruptures. The way you are a challenge to me when you speak through to the disinterested. The way I've been speaking in stupid split interest. Why. "It didn't solve anything." "He had such a faith in god, and that he was working toward god." Surprised finding how far I got from the instructions I'd made at other times, about combat. Music and image, "He gets both by going in farther to the word as meaning." It is coy because it is more interested in how it is saying something or in what it wants to say, than in what it is saying. a method other than the Elizabethan imaginative faculty for those who are outside power; women and children follow a thought process so uncommitted to a goal that The way a part of a sentence is assented to, and it makes a confused assent to the rest. Writers who leave it at bringing up interesting stuff.
The object is in the series.
"She has a beautiful will."
-
They were young, that certain kind of American, blond, well-off, attractive, like the Sufi choir (future). Another landscape, some stalk or chase over a roof or ground, knolls. Sense of moonlight. 'Harold' or brother, I can't recover more, except a drift, resisted to more conventional story. and even this is malformed. Remembered Night of the hunter and realized its fright from the structure of the murderous father.
She was passionate that they don't know what's at the centre, I about registering my experience of him. What is that registering. Have it seen again, more. It means an added. Original experience. What is staring - to have a part - participate - add another vision. - in two passages of the Livre du ciel 1348 It is impossible that a future thing emits or receives rays. a separate cognizing substance 26 Not early but sad - head - head centre between eyes - it's pain pucker - paralyses - I know it's from J - can I call T with a pretext and have her forgive the pretext - yes - shock of Rhoda's windows and little things - it's a sick head and quite easy body - what is it, head - can't see - try humbleness - "I think it's great, I'm not without my own pain in it but I think it's great" - seeing the curtains and preparations, feeling her longing, its sweetness and falseness - their eagerness to take over the silent tower - she was so happy to have the toaster - in the front room lying on the table, bum - I wanted to bring up the blood red fetus - "It was last year in November I came to live in this house" - and when did you leave - "February, beginning of March" - did she persecute Sandy because there weren't children - what a wise one would do - she told me how - it told me how - Renee "It's the community centre we always wanted!" - T "Stop that Renee" - Ezra every day - Ezra every day! - watching the unease - when did it go, I think when I told Rhoda "pain" - the sun is behind us - directly - car's oblong ahead - the light is intense and weak - wintry light - "I never knew Chinatown had so much red in it! - indeed the color - pink - henna - brick, green frames, blue gone between them - we seemed in an open car - the mountains today - all those days it was pouring down here it was quietly snowing up there, but we couldn't see it - what's the crying for - that I don't have an intimate - 27 The girl's work - man speaking in a column - he was supervising - "Afterwards I realized she'd been a thousand cherries around me" - her sense of motion in film - a girl whose sense of movement is so delicate and brilliant they came to understand what she was. Traveling in broad land - at night - water - I knew the route - go slightly left - we will come out on the beach - to Luke, "we could stay in that hotel" - seeming to see it further on, pub windows lit - looking in the door of a tiny pub, doghouse, with full-size drunks, "Do you have a room?" On the young elephant's back, it's going to take me upstairs, maybe there's more walking, it takes me into the bedroom where M and he and possibly in the adjoining room Judy and Paul are awake lying in. Rushing for the bus, untied boxes on a wagon, driver? Or freight counter, "When does the Peace River bus leave?" "He's in a hurry today." There might have been time but he has taken off. When was the Peace River bus supposed to leave. No one's telling. This was moving day. I wanted to tell J the girl in Strathcona but the house belonged to T and R who were wanting to change lights. This morning [showing slides to the gifted class at Strathcona School] - in the midst of it, and behind? it, behind and above the mouth - watching myself begin to tell - "I was lonely and felt I was very different from my family" - I was speaking to the four in the front left - didn't know she - about the pictures - "Does this one scare anyone else?" - there is as if a dinosaur bone along the water - the gnats as wave advancing - "Symbolism?" - firmly, "No, it's magic" - at the end up on knees a spotlight into the slides. They have to be printed. They're getting scratched. Black borders big posters. Many. Funds. The line. Record player. Amplifier. Speakers. Think of any painter of course he is abstract he abstracts the colors of which he is made and he puts them down. Letter from Peter [von T] Telescope Oh tonight I miss you. There's the puzzle why you call your genius and hardness a man - that girl she was just as - "I've never been in essence with anyone before" - you could, more than anyone, you, if you came on the way, without hesitation travel through the limit - steadily in your travel - and know yourself in that young girl, to give me that ironic message - how it was being both in and not, myself, performing, not judging, calculations so not in my moment, her and his hardness the calculator, attracted to calculators, what are the others, we let the person act while we watch - how was the watching - watching for sureness, position - it's not extrapolated image - it was placing myself in rapid fire and this time noticing - the freedoms gained, what she's able to take in authority - that was the most of it - automatic in the afternoon session, too, deciding to move, it was fast, they were giving what I'd asked for, I was tired, repeating, trying to feel in that group the way to be able to speak to them - "She's quite capable of saying a lot when she wants to" - the little girl with her hand up saying "a field" "a field" - and seeing the pictures but not primarily - he was - "It's Miss" - this screen is so awful - "Do you like flowers? I too" - "Goodbye Miss Ellie," little grade five breasts - so interesting people. On the bus after - McKinnon - "It was fine" - "compete with" - didn't he see how much was seen? The open looking at persons who could be seen as children - in distorted - is there a way - looking at single drivers facing the other way standing traffic one by one - the sight could do that - see through. In the slides how the unconscious is showing its hand - what those pictures are made by - it's showing me itself another - or something is.
28 Heart pain. Separately your spirit and body - but that 'your spirit' is my imaginary friend - but I want to lie down beside your spirit - two eyes - that words not ideogrammic might come to resemble. On a bus traveling between old city apartment houses, a domed one, I see Maggie scaling the brick wall and know where she's going. See ahead of her moving across the roof down the roof of a wing of the next building to what I know about, the window of an apartment she no longer has the key to. I'm a long way past when I realize to get off, ring the bell, bus is at speed, a long way before it stops. This heavy food bag. I could have left it on the bus. Big Plastic PR bag. Back, but so many streets, which branch, we've come down the wrong one, must think which of these the bus couldn't made it up. Narrow. One tunnels. A door open it seems under a hotel room full of people standing in evening dress being lectured about afternoon tea. The left one on the other side of the hotel looks down into interesting - a walled rectangle like a house in it feels an Arabic country. In the rectangle wall only low stones like foundation walls. There's another next to it. Farther on this street, what else, another kind of - It's past the dome, have I found the dome. The building next to it, could it've so rapidly been gutted, emptied up, scaffolds set. A sign says the building has been ---- and balanced? Going out see that all the way up the building had been used only up to (20) feet from the front face. The inner proportions had lived smaller inside the building's I thought 17th century stone (shell). But this isn't I don't think the building Maggie was going to. She may be gone by now. It may have been a safeguarding that took the bus so much past. She may have been involved in a political - An empty apartment. The sense like other empty apartments I once lived in and can't find my way back to. Or don't look for but know the corner of the building for. To R "that moment when you begin to make sentences that are no longer yours" - "they could be -," what exactly did she say - "the feeling is like your own and the voice is like yours" - hearing the quiet voice - "but the sentences are made in a way you could never make them" - "it's as if you're somewhere else" - "it's as if you're somewhere else in another world" - "it's as if you're somewhere else in another world in another person" - "yes." Suddenly this fall my skin is old, arms and thighs dry - when it's pushed it goes into those slightly silvery - is it that the skin surface is less deeply attached - it seems. I've been drinking Earl Grey with lavender - with bergamot it was more ( ) profound. My pleasure ironically, find out later why. To be had by laying down just After looking at the slides lying satisfied not sleeping. Orpheus went back for the songs. "You could make that dissociation, but not the other."
What is the doublet of the satisfaction of being able: take care the world you're able in is the size of the world you'll be pinned in. That's saying it remotely, when it happens, and has, maybe three times in these two days, it is the same emotional movement I think - my impression is - left to right, pleasure to warning. That slide, the flowers she said is like left hand (blue), right hand (orange). Walking down stairs into dark: whether, when I walk downstairs, I am speaking in this way to whatever it is speaks to me in the pictures. 29 Anacolutbos. One of the stages of revelation. They came across the road to ask me. I said a snake. Held onto the word through different events. In the dictionary it's called shallow, a shallow stage. Nellie's boxes of washed clothes to be stored. A pair of army green rope soles with strings, touching, book of photographs of grapes, a broom wrapped in broken cellophane, next to grapes on stone, set on the table when I leave, Kit's bedroom with shelves of books, upper shelf I'm looking at 5 green books gold letters on art. S Reiver. Downstairs with three treeplanting boys heads together waiting to leave. Riever one who plunders and carries away by force. - I was setting traps and not liking what I caught. Could do nothing else, was staring around the room for somebody to love. Arms around - there's skin between the strands of hair on neck, this warm, more than warm, this colored sheath of back, accidentally the breast and its shape taken away with the hand. Instantly oo, bigger than I thought, it, unseen its image, I want you forward there, and do it, and it is gladly rightaway warm juice. No I don't want to borrow a raincoat. (I'm going!) How I'm rightaway hurt in every exchange - calling it disgust as I leave, that's the instruction, leave it be, such a meanness should be dropped, "I thought there'd be visitors today but nobody came," you'll be surprised how already it's less interesting. Does she have a greasy spirit? "Trudy didn't know it but I was crying, there were pockets of pain. I haven't sat in that room in two years" (not true). "The three of us, when things got broken, and broken, and broken and broken." ("I used to feel terror.") "Trudy is so important to me and I couldn't be there for that. That felt funny." "It was one space and it was full of her from corner to corner. It isn't like that in the house." 30 Food fishing only - on a raft - see the surface has surprising black lumps, stones, rapid, overflows, I'm moving very fast on the surface, quick turns, greenish, steps up, or down, the surface isn't - it's a raft and the surface is propelling me - so surprisingly all over the lake raft - nearly submerged - White boat crashed down through the leaves. I was looking for it underwater between two leaning stacks of lumber, it was there, came back later, flattened, piece broke out of the bow. the inability to express the absolute love for their parents Recreation! An association for. As after work - the number of people who sought to pursue relationship. Powerful. Give up making them wrong. You can create being charmed. Their inability, their bound expression of their absolute love for you. This flat day. Thicker, and face, why. Liked it better stressed. Gave in to quite intense immediate pleasure but it didn't wake me, rain, the will was with the stress, not to go out, welfare, on one to visit, not enough I like, thinking not very much about them interested in each other in the kitchen with green and white curtains, the awfulness from last night is still here, disappointment the fellowship doesn't come through, this evening thinking of the boredom, neurasthenia, chemical dullness, pouring water, Sandy's nod. Sorting papers, the files difference. Categories that called: music, film notes, odd bits that don't, geometrical drawings, and imagining overtaking D. Idea of recreation and stress. O, O, the having failed. Being the farm, the behind time, there being some I'll never catch, what she has, she has a complex constantly interesting full self, she has been succeeding from when I was (and still) in the earliest unhelped struggle, she has her child, she likes how she lives, love doesn't leave her. It's the being at the head of the present state of her art. And there you'll be able to bring the Jamila worth - I was pitifully generous and why - and being able to live and work in her own place. Now its terror has come.
|