| dames rocket 5 part 5 - march - april 1977 | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
Josie. Cooking secrets in the pantry. The books full of spells, each a spell we only dimly know. National Geographic a secret bible keeping the coded message alive, as landscape and faces tell it. In dimness in the flight and pause of this cloud of being. Tell me what your being is at this moment, take it, the pulse. So many thoughts. Of the names of god, only the one that least describes is known: 'god.' These powerful objects which one day will give out their secrets like capsules spilling oil each picture will speak its meaning
Oh T. Because I'm finding it in this lonely way that yet refers to you and is in some way fed and taught by you - will you not hunger for me as you do You hunger What you hunger for What do you love? There's where I don't trust you quite - would you love your power only A preindustrial country in which the lake is named for the shape which is only known from the air - a puma chasing a rabbit - and which names the constellations after its local features. The river Po. High altitude cookery - it is high altitude up there, less oxygen, more red blood corpuscles. Technologies EVERYTHING speaks.
And meanwhile I can't stand Luke bugging me about his button and can't stand him hanging around and he won't go do something and it's true it's his house - what can I do - go somewhere else to work? In Africa it's a question too of what sort of consciousness will live in that land. The mind that sells itself out for orderliness, safety, and is stupefied as the price. Those South Africans polarized into 'whiteness,' Jill and Sean still partly in it. A 'culture' - flute music, weaving, and exceptional honesty I was refusing Luke and he went into his room and attacked his closet door - "I don't want it to lock" he said - splinters on the floor, the wood wrecked - I smack him on the shoulder and yell at him "Don't you see what you're doing? Aren't you looking?" - and he cries - so there is my rage on his door and my weeping in him - and it's about Trudy too, I'm frustrated and trying to ride it, and actually riding it, but raggedly - Riding the maker, without concentration, but seeing? And yelling at him "Now put your clothes on and GO SOMEWHERE." It's the coffee addiction too, there's an evil in me it likes but it comes from - what. A true root. Lady I can't concentrate on you but what shall I do with Luke? Panoramic camera curves the horizon. Coca "gives me strength to work and I don't feel cold, hungry or sleepy."
Cheryl on the phone saying she wants to be friends and not have a cold war. The elements are: A chance for revenge on her brutality A real perception of her opportunism Do I want to be as brutal as she, no Will she exploit my 'fairness' I'd like to just have some simple feelings with Trudy It would help with T, in some way, to 'like' Cheryl There's an integrity in this somewhere but where? I have to tell her all the elements. It would also 'help' with T, to be simple with her I don't want to, but also I don't want to be as unjust as she; I'd like to be a good friend in some way She said she had herself back, maybe she'd ... - Is patronizing, when you project? Always? Ho, it's always like that, I get a little something and for it I pay by feeling I've sold myself out. Generosity or weakness, I'll never learn. But wasn't it fine holding her through the night. She was in it, she touched and moved, she was there. No good no good I don't know how to touch you there. In a way - I want to invent a new way that would be my own. But how alert she is in her skin. Your funny brilliant bird eyes.
It isn't fair, when you ask for something I like to give it to you.
"In the beginning she was teaching me amazing things about my mind, it was in my interest to do what she said. Then I just kept doing it."
"I'm never going to know you but I love to hold you. That's all I want from you. It feels like home it feels so good but to get it I have to talk to you." "What a thing to say." The B Minor mass. Bach 1749 The extraordinary soprano who came on in a dress cut so that a crease across the bosom pointed to her nipples. The tenor with somebody lurking behind the eyes. The choir girl who sang throwing herself about, all of those women and the men too, choir in a rage, rolling with the music. At the intermission when I had the crash helmet on Josie said to me "Do you know something I don't know?" When we clapped they all smiled, they knew they were good. In a church, that massed sexuality, the naked connection of ecstatic bodies all together in the exhibition of two people pitching together on tunes, flights, that are not union but perfectly symmetric difference. Trudy, acting like a betrayed woman - saying that's it - but I could do it because she wouldn't meet me last time, she wouldn't let me soften, she said - it would have to be another time. "I always felt" she said "that you and I could have a relationship, one time in the kitchen I asked Martha what she saw, what she thought of it - she said she had never seen me so soft. We shouldn't have made love, but you wanted to make a claim on me." "I want you to find the woman in me." It's that I don't trust you. Hey Lady - What is it - If I gave up the true thing I have for Cheryl, if I refused it, the justice of it, in me, because Trudy was making me an offer - but Trudy made such a guarded offer - I didn't trust it - I don't trust it - what I said to Trudy was right, about the bargain, my bitterness - I didn't trust her - I think she's after power - but it's true it's inconvenient. Hey, a niggle, a tickle, nothing but something - too nothing we're playing, too guarded, she turned out to be glad. -
This brilliant day, red kite horizontal, whitecaps, green sea out in it yellow brown at the shore. Brighton Beach, boardwalk, corner shop. Frank's. Brighton Beach Men's Club. Her mother would come to the beach with them, sit reading a book, her best friend lived across the hall, the children would play - 5 storeys up in a brick building a block and a half from the corner shop. The El was there and the front door was like a castle, a coat of arms with moon and stars. The little house where she lived with a dog, a softer Trudy, she took a wall out, and "all that means," dreamed coming in finding the ceiling opened too, finding it beautiful, saying to Cheryl "Look, isn't it beautiful," Cheryl unresponsive. She wants me for the parts of her Cheryl won't meet. The moment a man ran around the corner, we caught the red bathrobe flying. I got a thing, a piece of kite with bits of plastic, they made me an opaque shadow and them a fluttering dim red and purple.
- When you hurt you pack it away. Not afraid to lose my angels, what Rilke did was hold onto art for a resolution of pain.
Apart from the interior tale of how when I think of her being I have a pain in my belly - could I feel her and not have a pain? Wanting more, wanting again. Wanting to get to hold her all night through, only when Trudy abandons her and she thinks all is lost. Trudy dropping me that way means Cheryl drops me too. I'd like to know I could sometimes spend a night. Say what I need, I need to not always go home. Apart from that there is the history. The present I have, narrative, I could use it. (I need Daphne somehow.) Their story and Luke's, mine implicit. Miriam's tale is much more direct about herself and how it is to be her; that too. Not to abdicate. Where's my long complex line? Mother, Oma, I'm just naming things these days not seeing them here. It is like a bewilderment or lack of energy. There's been a stop in the brain. I've got stuck on seeing our connection as a certain kind of mythological salvation instead of a complex ecology that may mean different or even bigger things than what I imagine now. I'd like not to turn myself off, as I did with Paul and even with Roy, with everyone in fact since early days when I was an observer and needn't risk my soul in confrontation with what I saw. I'd like to write these people's stories with myself and Luke seen in the same way as they. I want to make it bigger, the batter, rise it with more in. The pain of love is simply a sign of needing to enlarge. It is so simple.
The world - this puzzle I have, the relation of being to the world - the world, this pink house, with a cherry tree in knobs soon to bloom in front of it, the garden patch with small plants recently transplanted into rows, a tangle of boards, some tricycles, plastic wheeled things - trying to figure it out, after the revelations I can't sustain, how to be in it - go back to the old ways to see how they are different. Begriff. The relation of unconscious self-world and conscious self. The work of/as art is to show the inner self and to speak to it, in others. Oh so plat.
latency
I'm here. I'm here. Shall I drop these two? A: Tell your position. Cheryl called me when she had nothing to lose, it made everything better for her, now she won't call me again. She doesn't find me interesting. Something in her is called to me, it's there, but she'll always make a beggar of me, it will always be unequal. "I'd like to just hold Ellie for a moment." Oh yes, and I loved that little second. I should confront her. Trudy is glad to give up my need for her pride and competition. A: What do they give you. There's something like fellowship, when we sit around the table, or play catch. Always I have to be haunted by how secondary I am, it isn't good for me. D: Do you want to be first? I want to be right in there, it's a politics, either I want to be equal or else out. They are always saying "You're just new, you want/expect too much." But that's saying they are the club I'm trying to join, and fuck that I am also the club. I have to also be the club you want to join or else. A: It seems to me you do either have to find a way to force that, or else leave, says the warrior. Death? D: You 'love' them, you lend them your hunger to grow, they are your friends, you watch them to see what you could become rather than what you are. Do you think there's a way I can reverse the politics by myself? It seems to me that only by closing, getting hard or playing hard, can I reverse the politics, and I refuse to do that, whereas if I give them up I'm on my own again waiting to meet - A: What's the wail in your belly?
A: What do you imagine they want with you? Their club is too small and they need to enlarge it. A: You can't wait to call them and tell them so they'll be hurt and come round and promise you a better deal - D: You need them to share things with. I need them so much, for that: to show and tell what I see, to share. It does break my heart to think of them not there, for sharing. A: Paul? He's so confused, it would take so much work. D: Work? Strangers? A necessity? A: Don? I don't know if he has it; and couldn't it be a woman - Shall I go back to waiting? D: Can you, loving them, hold out when they come after you? If I could understand the necessity. But I can't be principled in that way any more - can I? And they're educating me, it's painfully going into an other. D: The education would be better if it was equal, you're saying to yourself that the education is a justification. Death, you help me get the wise far-enough perspective - D: The perspective of the whole life is that you can't go away from where your passion so manifestly sends you, but that it isn't a question either of bearing the inequality; you do have to take on the war, that you have to be the club that they want to join, so much yourself, and not get tired, and remember what a war and what a chance it is, and insist on what you see, and get energy for it from wherever you can, and write it and encompass it and be its best warrior. Amen. But to stay open in that? I know, it's the same work as anywhere. M said of us "The three of you, you have the same look of going in one direction, not dispersed." Driven, I said. -
- Fasting. Made me desperate. Made me cry out. Made me shout. Made me feel more real in my skin. I want space travel, and I want my nervous system. Trudy, listen: I do not accept to be unequal for a while because it isn't true and it alienates me from myself and it makes me stupid and it sets everything up wrong. I have love for you and I will not accept that love becoming my victimization and I will hold out for equality or nothing, you have to protect yourself and I won't let you. It prevents me, it distances me, in the end it makes me not see you. It makes me dumb and mad, numb, drives me into a shallow disconnected part of myself. Sophism. Lost souls, found too - I dreamed swimming again - swimming dreams are the mark of this Three - it was in a living room, the one at home, I couldn't get to a depth to swim, it was mucky and full of rotted furniture, a mattress with its flesh rotted off, only the spring frame came up. I imagined a dugout being made, for clear warm water. Remembered dreams of Grandpa Epp's beaver pool, or the swimming place where the creek widened. Or the inner, hidden, shallow pool. Other dream of riding the rails, the technique was to lie under the engine, a warm boiler, there was complicity from the engineer, sometimes the police would interfere, three young people - I often seem to have dreams of young travelers - these were attractive people, with a dog, the engineer helped for their charm. The charm of the young traveler. There's something in that to write. - I put myself on the line and said either equality or else. And that was right, but now I have to remember what it was I was learning, so I can find someone else to do it with. Hey Art - this is what I think, it was simply to watch being, to see being in me and in other things, to take on a human life in that way, learn more from myself than outside, to take on what I know. To stop giving my power to objects. She really needs that safety? Why? She needs that safety so much that I should pay for it with my freedom? Dear Trudy, howcome? You've told me, "It's when you say what you know too, you can tell me things, then we're really equal." What did she say - "Can you accept being unequal for a while?" Cheryl said "As lovers we're unsatisfactory but as friends we've always been alright." (Give it up okay? Although we'd like to.) It is a strange distinction (no I won't, I want you or not), lovers, friends, in some way it's the same. A friend from whom you don't want to hold yourself is a lover. An equal friend is a lover. "You're very powerful, you make me do crazy things." "You told Cheryl you didn't feel that way about me." She said it twice, I didn't answer. It's true sometimes my sexuality comes on when I feel somebody's vulnerability really. Trudy and Paul. But Tony, it was out of the trust and balance. No mystifying. I left him. We could have got to it. Except for politics. The vision of what I'm ready for, something where I could see us able to be big enough together. Paul's laugh, I saw it as a veil, he said the little inner being shut down, like a lizard closing its eyes, and then the outer being shut down clunk - as a laugh, or a flattery. I saw it as the moment when the being is lost and has no reply and the exchange must be re-served. The being is anxious and doesn't take time to find itself. The vision I have of Paul's slides, the authority he licenses in me, is in some way his vision and his authority. He takes them, I see them - I saw Bruce's too, though - I tell him what he's taken - I love myself finding those things - I love myself onto him, telling him about himself - then I take on the credit for myself. Love and power: how do I take it from him - it's there in our postures from the first second - reinforces it with flattery and his self-obliteration.
The key. If I could understand how Paul could compel me, I tell myself, I'd know how I could compel Cheryl. That is, not abdicate to her. He said "For years I went into people's houses and had a silent despair because of their quotations." Trudy. I said it so hard. Now I misgive because I also want to know why you have to have that power. It's hard to know someone. It's hard to know someone - Is it harder for you, than it is for me to be known? Josie. Yes there are more people in my life than T and C, a different sort of description not a family romance. Josie - when I said "What do you know about swimming dreams" said, "Oh, that's amazing," and told a swimming dream. Luke, Sibhion and Mathew with porridge on their plates discussing how they make armies of two different kinds of food - as each kind of food loses a bite it's an army that loses soldiers - "The dessert wins" said Sibhion - they were sharing experience but not marveling that they have the same one. Phaedrus.
Well I did that with Maggie, my liberator, I said unlock my sexuality, and Nellie too, and that wasn't good enough but how could I know there was hope. Philosophy is - being more anxious not to leave anything out, than to find a solution. Theia mania - transports The Sibyl, uttering her unlaughing, unadorned, unincensed words with raving mouth, reaches out over a thousand years with her voice, through the god. Says Heraclitus. All the seers women: Delphi, Dodona and the Sibyl of Cumae In the vast hundred-mouthed grotto of Cumae "the Sibyl herself stands by the threshold - suddenly nor countenance nor color was the same. Nor staid her tresses braided, but her bosom heaves, her heart swells with wild frenzy and she is taller to behold, nor has her voice a moral ring, since now she feels the nearer breath of god." Or that Apollo "breathed into her a great mind and soul." It doesn't sound like wild frenzy; and is it possible she breathed herself into it; and why her? Did it have to pretend to be frenzy or beside itself? In the acid, it felt exactly like myself. Religion has stakes in sending it out. "Human nature is so placed within its plane of existence, that it remains essentially open to the sphere of the divine." Raptus. Aquinas thinks of it as being lifted away from nature. To be sure, prophecy, insofar as it is seeing on the prophet's part, is in some sense a spiritual act; but in regard to the light that suddenly is received and is like something passing through (like sunlight in the atmosphere) it resembles suffering. Sarah saying of her raving friend "But she sees things, she does see quite a lot of things." Sweet Reason. Why is Reason sweet, and who says it has anything against passion or self-transcendence and anyway social self transcendence is Reason too. Katharsis - cleaning - by enduring Metanoia - abandoning the complacency of the mind. But Seneca says that fruit of philosophy is never repenting anything. The forms of mania. Prophecy, healing, poetry, eros. Plato believed the soul to be imperishable and also unborn, agénetos. That it does not grow as bodies do but .. As the soul ..., which is air, permeates us, so also breath and air permeate the whole cosmos. Anaximenes the Milesian Plato says it traverses the entire universe as if provided with wings. Lo! To know a thing is to comprehend its idea.
Myth is a story dealing with an interplay of human and divine powers. She, they, think the 'divine' powers are ours if we name ourselves as them. And me I'm wondering - it seems we can ask and be given them from their plane in us and it's true she works on that self landscape. The soul permeates the whole world; but one that has shed its wings sinks down until it can fasten on something solid, and settling there it takes to itself an earthly body which seems by reason of the soul's power to move itself. The phenomenon of recollection of a truer being. The soul. "Banqueting with the gods, delights in true Being, colorless, formless," "contemplating truth she is nourished and prospers." Here and there are those who keep themselves free in a special manner, and therefore have not lost their memory. Love wakens recollection - it's true! - of something that it cannot itself provide. "Ravished by beauty." Cheryl's story, which I gave her. I thought about joy. The teething child, restlessness, helplessness. Symposium. Such, Phaedrus and all of you, were the words of Diotima. When he comes toward the end he will suddenly perceive a beauty of wondrous nature, not fair in the likeness of a face or hands or any other part of the bodily frame, but beauty absolute separate simple and everlasting. Are you not certain that it will then be given to him to become a friend of god? Oo if god were beautiful I'd be hooked. It's true. Wired. Eros is the giver of wings. The most blissful love, he says, is the kind that renounces enjoyment. Because this lover's soul grows wings to go to the feast of seen being. "But second best is the kind that does not refuse to love, that goes into devotion and ravishment" - these lovers get buds of wings. Alphabetic writing: medicine for memory, or for forgetfulness. Plato in a letter said he'd written nothing and will write nothing concerning what really matters. Writing is swinishness. Dialogues: Carlos and Don Juan What's crucial to the stone is interest, it's some sort of energy for interest and response. Reading On the banks of Plum Creek - tonight - after the fast - I'm paying attention for the first time - what's the mind that says a thing is lovely and doesn't feel it? My young self so energetic wouldn't say. Mary telling her that Schattsneider was afraid of me because I seemed to see everything he was doing wrong and to know better than him - when I criticized him in an essay, so indirectly, he thought he had to call me in and made me weep applying authority to me, I couldn't fight back. Oh Henry Olidam, he had a presence too, making drawings: so reviled, he and Wayne, and we couldn't make alliances among the sensitive. And yet we liked each other. Those people maturing together. Classes together the same people every year studying each other. Paul says he doesn't study the stone because he's ashamed of it: as if it needs to be justified because -? He's worried that if I go into it I'll spend years on false questions. Artemis: what is it about the stone? A: Mortals are afraid of the power of it. It's an old taboo, mortals, social beings, are afraid - he said that - it will take them too far from common life - Nellie said, there'll be nobody else there. E: In my young days I wasn't afraid of it because I knew it was hopeless socially, and intended that there'd be real meetings outside. A: Now because you think those beings are here, you remember. E: But Cheryl said "When I do yoga I'm too much for my friends" - oh Cheryl is it true - does it send you somewhere there's no one? I saw it sometimes. The dizzying mind. Where do you go, I don't know you, I don't know your work - you do such trips, sniffing to stay caught up with it. Now, you say, you don't do it any more. A: So you still want to talk about that? E: Sorry. A: Sorry because you're missing something else? E: Well, it's true, what is more important than these people with whom I'm trying to reinvent myself. I should stop pretending not to care, I care, I'm so interested. A: Tell a story then. E: How it was, no I can't go back to that, I've done nothing but talk about it, surely there's more to see - A: Why do you bring out the madwoman crazy joker in Trudy? E: It's competition with Cheryl, it's the little girl with the 'feminine' sister, that's it, she talks about my beauty and femininity in a way that Cheryl doesn't feel them - is it all so sibling? The prototype found, and Cheryl gets to be the mother whom she loves to make laugh - the frenzied joker, and that's why she keeps me at such a remove, did she give her sister advice? We're out of the same womb, I said to her - wowee what did I know - well when I could get near to her in the old days she was like my younger sister, we had a sweetness and I gave her things. And that's the rivalry with Cheryl. A: Is Cheryl the sister too? E: She can't stand that her trick doesn't win me totally, so I'm the mother too. Who did her mother like the best. Can't wait to see her mother with her. Not a mother who let her win, as mine did. Cheryl says Zoe's afraid of her, that horrifies me but it's true, she's afraid to do something wrong. And T has actually put pressure on. A: And you think C goes cold to you because it gives her a chance to pass on the defensiveness she gets from T. E: Oh the two of them they're using me to catalyze such changes in them. A: It hurts your belly. E: I want to be in there, they'll make a perfect marriage and be so sealed from me and I love Cheryl's body holding it round. "You have rays in your hands that comfort me." "You too" she said. Ah. A: If you met somebody else, very beautiful strong tough soft woman who electrified you and loved you too - would you drop these two? E: If I did it would be anger and revenge, not indifference, I love their existence, my first friends. A: Are you ready to go chaste for a long time? E: If it was necessary but it isn't necessary for me not to be able to hold them in my arms, if I can't do that I won't see them, it would make everything wrong - claiming. A: Why do you need to claim. E: How can I help wanting. A: Why aren't you in love with somebody who knows your qualities and thinks you're brilliant. E: Yes alright it's on account of the difference, that it makes a problem for me. I chose two people. I didn't want to be locked in a couple. I want it even bigger because truthfully (I say that for T) I want Rhoda in it too, not all at once, that's too many unlike me but I did take it on - but I need Tony, a wise person asking no questions just playing and there when I needed - infrequently, to make me sing of right loving a brave and true independent soul, I can respect like that. Martha. That would restore the balance, and that's what I want too, satisfying. Plato it's not so simple, you need both. A: Claiming is still thinking of them as a club. You stop doing it and be your own love club. The love club, in the cellar, making little books. H.D., copying songs, it was a CULT - I'm a born lover, I did nothing else. Have to write that. - Having lost Judie, and Paul and Luke, alone in Amsterdam, they were on the boat or the train - walked back into the city full of pink blossoms and people in pink coats, earlier dream was of Frank, sending him home crying. (Paul) pocketing thick glass objects like cups. Being in a room where a cloud suddenly came down from the ceiling and then went up. Just a beam vertical of cloud, spiraling - came down again faster. The room full of a poisonous (unhealthy) white light like a flood looking out seeing a blinding moon. Luke left asleep had got up and gone somewhere. Luke in another dream was driving the car we were both in, drove to a church. This reminds me of a long ago dream of visiting a temple or orthodox shrine, I remember the doors, steps inside, a room with a wide view and a brother showing us a book. G: Taking the feeling of 'I' out of something, then it begins to recede. "Going to sleep." In dreams, imagination, considering. Anxiety.
- What is strange is. All of it. How at first when they came so close talking back and forth like throwing oranges it blanked me. They seemed beings made for each other so sharp in delight of their intimate knowledge. They are at war. Complicit. The war is to give them play and thrill. I joined the war, they've been waiting for me to play better not play safe. I smashed Trudy. "It's how the two of you get close." "That's true." C sober. Lying down to sleep together. "I think Ellie should be in the middle." Big smiling nod. Trudy hugging my back. She didn't deny Cheryl. We went to sleep. C touching my side a very little. In the morning there she is with a pillow over her face blessed Cheryl and Trudy pushing her back against mine and I shaking, finding ways, breathing on her fingers, and when I touch her she replies exquisitely. I love her elbow, I touch her back. She likes me, I can tell by her breath. I am joy and satisfied because she does. I have enough of something to laugh and be free with them, and say goodbye without pain, open, in the day - Meanings. C is more in her centre again, has views, says "This is at the base of every day for me, attraction and repulsion." T says in one of her eruptions of glee "Sometimes you're in the way and sometimes you're the way."
Little by little, also by my pain and patience, C is finding the alternate in her, who knows me. It's soul, it's the best place. Trudy too, what I have for her is that I don't adore her and can look at her holes and can refuse her cripples. What they have for me is showing me my emptiness. The way long periods in my mind are the blanks of repression, the repression of curiosity and pain. Trudy by being afraid in the dark can be the gentle invader she is so light in her bones a genius of play. Not the favorite child. When they are laminated in the way they can be what happens to me is I glimpse the crippling of my brain, the gaps - feeling into it finding empty parts erasures - wiping out a mosquito, what would it be to restore those places. Realizing about the neighbours, how I close out knowing they're there, dope puts me open and gives me time to see them and I marvel at where I am.
Making consciousness C it brought so much with it I have to get used to it T: It will be my turn. Letting go inside. Annie knows. What stops me still is, I can't believe it The sense of how can anything so marvelous happen to me. The journal reassures, again and again. Aboriginal. The original, my native soul. It has a tragic flaw, and that is that I don't believe marvels can happen to me. Slowly. Not ideas about or from 'life' but ideas about transforming the self. The influences from outside mechanical life which manage to penetrate mechanical life are always indirect, encoded, except, he says, and Plato says, orally. Yeah. We seek above all things Light, and light is consciousness, is waking. Take quite simply this one instruction: do not identify and see where it takes you. Will. Dividing oneself in two To make/build something which is more interior, in order to see what in self is really exterior. Steward, at first comes in flashes (Miriam, Artemis) and "often when it draws near people have great difficuolties either externally or in struggles with negative states in the form of illnesses, etc." The birth. - Trudy, if you knew this, why did you hate me in it? Self-remembering. When you're doing it right you get a sense of force coming in, as of an opening. Stop instantly and do something else. If you see a mechanical thing do an inner stop. Work on the centres.
Buffers - prevent two contradictiory parts from coming into consciousness together. Shocks - on the contrary, teach. At first do moments. Everything, emotion thought sensation intention posture gesture voice face full observation to give a new memory of oneself. A sense of taste about quality of what is in being Real Conscience is this taste for quality of being. Events try to get people to collude with them We isolate ourselves from collective events by changing attitudes. The hypnotism of events. Vortices. Ouspensky, 1949 In search of the miraculous (numerous editions) or 1957 The fourth way - In what I go through with my friends, did I have to shout them my resentment because we'd gone into that human murk together and I had to unload it in the same place? I couldn't seem to fly out of it. I wrote Trudy the manifesto and now feel uneasy about it. Why? - Nakedness; ingenuity; identification with the caped lords. The Jansco movie - hope of escape, played with - but what happens in us, is devising, guessing, the game - we like the game, there's a satisfaction in the bagging of the troup at the end, works against imagining a justice, they seem cunning Nazis on both sides, and Jansco most of all. Was he afraid to put out that vision. (Peter - you imagine the person in it.)
- Tinkering with being: the separate parts knowing different things - making sure the effective part knows the right things. Art objects = self-remembering machines but not only intellectual, also emotional.
Negative emotion, the inner taste that feels it's a waste of time - the negative emotion is acquired - every child born awake - crying then, is not sad or angry? Oh yes it is. He says there's a certain feature, like a key, which one can sometimes see in other people and which in oneself is the main work to move, the wrong axle on which the personality turns. My wrong axle: I thought, passivity. Not putting myself boldly forward. Secrecy, not deciding whether I really want to be there or not, sexually, intellectually. A refusal, resistence, entrenchment, being 2" behind the eyes. Taking intoxication for lucidity being willing to go to people and things only in a possession of excitement. The strange false letters that came out of that. - Check this. The unhappy seed The world where it is possible that people at any moment can begin to grow younger, a gradual accelerating vision. You perhaps sense dimly the second of equipoise but you do not know. It happens and not to everyone oh no only to a few the rest envy and hate and love them, parable of Omensetter. The Forth Way is in life - as the Mexicans are External considering - in jealousy dislike etc, to actually do the exercise of going into the other and seeing yourself in them. Movies are all lies Depression, effort takes you out of it, any kind. It is a time of low vitality when energy is borrowed from certain parts, for the others - it is necessary to contract, lie low, but not necessary to go into superstructure.
What we do consciously we do, or have: it effects in us What we do mechanically is lost Absolutely? Running, eating, yoga? Is there any way to know whether this is so?
He says the Law of Three, which is dialectic - yeah? Every event needs three forces, the third force is the relating force. Pretending to want is wanting to want. Tendency to see one force, the want, and not the resistence. It isn't that Luke changes my being; it is that I made my being separate from people except at moments with lovers (the ease with Paul is a false ease - the pleasure mostly is ego pleasure and doesn't touch my essence and so Plato eros is a question of essence). That's the difference between friends and lovers. So the distinction means only that. - That's it my first friends that's what I want you for. Is that just legendary - no, they are and can - is the dialogue form false after all - because it is social - no, if it isn't social - Being with him puts me into an anxiety, so I try to get away - it gets into all my time around him, maybe that's what I have to do now, am doing, work to bring the essence unscared among people life.
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