| dames rocket 5 part 3 - march 1977 | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
On the way up Grouse, the stony path with earth sucking water very quietly on both sides. Walking I would think resting I would recall what I'd thought of, Cheryl, Trudy, Paul, Peter, Mrs Seibert, Olivia - and try to remember how these people arrived when I wanted to be alone with a mountain. I could never catch the beginning of the thought of them. I tried to listen to sounds, or look at red and purple branches with tiny red leaves new on their extremities. I was ashamed to carry myself heavy with grudge and anxiety. There was a place near the top when the broad ski slope suddenly had snow, pink rocks among the snow, blue sky and clouds very nearby at the top of the slope, and the constant rustle on both sides, snow sliding off spruce branches and knocking more snow off on the way down. Snow, then I was there. Warming my face even with my back to it, the sun. On the gondola. The noiseless and even drift over the tops of trees, seeing the circle of a tree, from one side, then centred with branches out, then taking a point and falling back. The way the trunks on the other side of the slash roll past steadily each depth at its own speed finely geared. Imagining C for once without mythology, the way she feels sorry for herself, the way she mystified things in her history, her seldom compassion and her scorn (she couldn't find me in the school picture, for Trudy it was easy, she was mortified and I was shocked), her inability to hear me either in my letters or my tone or my touch, her complaints about having no one to feel comfortable with; how irritated she was when I pressured her, how she doesn't imagine anyone's desperation. When she first came here in those days, she brought the mannerisms of Trudy's insight and her own arrogance; get through to her and she's trying to give herself away. T to her is female beauty and male skill, and she can't imagine anyone not preferring T - she can't touch me because she can't imagine me - she just hacks away - what she imagined, she says, is fun - I, imagining a soul mate (come back to that). Desperate sexuality. Brags. I'm naming you C in this way because you won't see me and don't want me and don't love my body and are scared of my skill. Goodbye. And goodbye to you too Trudy you softhard thing you clown you queen (oof, shifting the mythology am I, how crummy, and I can't go into it to get out of it because I told C I'd never give her up, overextended myself) because you don't want me either and I couldn't - and I can't get near you again because we don't want to do that and anyway there's no way to do it - "We'll still be your friend" says T and shuts me out. But somebody body else? Oh who could match them, Martha where are you. Soul's mate, what would it be, it would be somebody whose project was the same, we'd slowly find the ways to speak to each other the thoughts behind our thoughts, we would go in and out of each other's work, we would guard our loneliness just enough, we would be unalterably in love with each other's bodies, we would be certain of our connection because we would come / phone rings / closer to ourselves with each other than anywhere. Both shining in the world. How nice. - Sometimes she can't get her breath, her lungs won't fill I love her so much in her frail scared splendour, don't know anyone as scared as you, at this moment (As three become one two is such an old story.) I want to have another baby in me, through the long time it takes. I want to see the infant carefully, as I couldn't see this one, I want to stand by a window holding it [1985], my daughter, small eyes small being sucking up I would like to be there in the new way that is willing to leave myself to go into someone. That's regret. - Playing ball on the lot, a blond boy on a bike hanging around watching. Giving Cheryl the loneliness she gave me without knowing, she doesn't have a clue, numb she says; I say "It all happens in the first half-second, do you know what I mean?" T says "Cheryl, were you hard on her?" "No" says she. "Yes" say I, "it's hard on me when you're so closed." She said "I wasn't a very good friend; what do you think could be?" "Everything could be" I say, "we could be everything we feel, if we didn't have preconceptions about what we have to do with it." "What do you mean? I don't understand what you mean." "Sexuality isn't the point of it, we don't have to do that if that's what makes it hurt." "You don't understand what giving up my sexuality is for me. My sexuality is the only thing I like about me." "Then it's time you gave it up and found something else to like." "I think the only thing for me is to get better at what I do." Her sexual imperialism - is that what Al doesn't have? Trudy: "My sister was a dancer. We would do a dance and then I would do a funny dance, I'd do my act. I loved to make my mother laugh - my mother was beautiful when she laughed." A very scarred woman. "I like things about you Trudy doesn't like; I like things about you you don't like; I think that's a way to be useful - among others." Some stiff family she comes from. A grandfather who shaved his head, was a haberdasher, wore a toque and a lumberjacket and told stories about the old country that the grandma hinted were not true. My grandpa had smallpox and a swollen pocked nose forever. C conceived in December, T and I in July. Wartime fathers. Trudy's a made lover and it isn't sex for her, Cheryl has to catch up first and then she'll be another kind of lover and will know what she knows. There was me running down the hill thwap thwap in the moccasins, one hand in jacket pocket other hand in ballglove holding two paperbacks, thong on neck hair up smiling on account of hugging and kissing with my friends and coming through clear with them, and the clear-eyed woman in flat cap and plaid, going up, looks in my face and smiles. Me I deserved it. "You'll do, we'll take you on the team, will we have her on the team Cheryl?" says T. "I'm on it already" say I. "Is she, Cheryl?" "Yes" [I say] in her ear. I'm in love with fat me too, and this extraordinary life; Kiss kiss kiss, at eye level, breasts eye to eye full of rocks. How can I have this life how can this life exist sweetheart reaching arms to pull back a ball out of the air, letting body go to it and face telling surprise to find it landed so solidly in the hand, hurling it pushing it out from the end of the arm watching to see where it comes, whether its round flight is this side of the friend or beyond. I threw short to Cheryl, saying closer come a little closer big nose; she threw long to Trudy saying I want to watch you run lover I want to look at you longer. Both of them threw right to me saying you're there don't disturb. Oh babies ladies do you have these surfs of affection toward me sometimes in your day. Ellie in 100' pink crinoline lunges to first base, the farm girls dressed as if city girls but in their own way, paying close attention to each other it is only natural to love each other after the childhood we have together otherwise we'd hunger for it obscurely forever. They sold us the penis by making it rare, we weren't allowed to imagine the penis but when we did, in the last year, we did it together and never forgot that time - The acid was familiar to me, was home, because it was the strong peaceful I am of beautiful things exactly seen, and the other I am of curious attitude, what is this life, what is this world, I'm here to know, I, my origin I found again, has them both so strong, the active and the passive are not far apart in me and that's the gift I've got. Making it right so I can die, playing catch with them is heaven, making jokes seeing them, giving Cheryl my generosity and Trudy my ease, heaven again a meadow the opening oh praises and I'm willing to try to find everything I can, patiently. Restore my soul, flood your days, give you furniture. Zoe's tiny paper box, in it 3 tiny envelopes with stamp sized cards and one smaller than a thumbtack. Beautiful design. Tribute to her too. Our children. Plans. Alpha to travel, got to get into it soon, C has to find a way into work she respects that's what she needs most she's (in) an antechamber still. T catching with one hand My comic is coming out Find that Moroccan gesture The expanding and contracting person I love my house Luke reading aloud naked in my bed. Feeling his mind grope through the letters under his breath he tries the word out then he commits himself to it. Free spirit. He tells me confidently about playing hookey ("He'll end up being an A student" says Trudy), draws a map of his and Kit's footsteps, the table the back door the front door the junk place in the alley. Having found out that my work is, was always, consciousness, how do I do it. Luke with his peers, Mathew, Brad, tall, has a sophistication, sometimes the falsity and cunning are there - child nastiness leaving Mathew out pleasure in having him to leave out playing solidarity with Brad. But crying again in the Jumping Mouse story, when Jumping Mouse gives away his second eye - "But I don't want him to be an eagle." Hyemeyohsts Storm 1972 Seven arrows Harpercollins We fight about food. It's such a sacrifice to me, to do it, he should at least eat it. He refuses. "I don't like the look of it" he says. The chicken has a red crust from baking. Five days a week having to find a lunch. Today I made him an all garbage special as I do oftener and oftener, chicken soup Lipton's (this is for history, who's interested), white buns, fish and chips frozen in cardboard, ice cream and ginger ale. For his party. (Oo to keep them off me.) Cheryl telephoned this time and I was bewildered, couldn't speak to her. "I hardly ever say no to you." "How does it feel?" "It feels funny." I eat and eat - My friends and beyond you too two I'm hungry, stronger, with inklings, and hungry. In what I've learned The gentleness of complete confidence says Le Guin I want to share everything with you I want to - how much we have done already. We've got to the beginning. How did we. Lift the black plastic thing and put it to my ear (left) and mouth and am in your presence, confused, shy, gathering a presence out of my absence, you. What do I have for you. Nothing. Here's my confusion. I wasn't expecting you today, because it's only today. Oh, like waking too fast. Coming out of Le Guin logged with passive reading. She's only got good very recently. The Thanksgiving party. Trudy upstairs refusing to be seen with me. Sandy and Don in the other room hearing me tell Cheryl the story of Vaster than empires and more slow. There's your little voice which tells you more true than I guessed (too), saying can you make it out tonight? Tonight? So soon? Oh love what have you got in you? You'll never say. Did you like me for finding you and giving up and putting my arms up over my head so you could see without being seen? Watching. Peaceful house, house with marvelous windows. Coming up the stairs on a brilliant afternoon and finding all the light collected in the hall, and the bathroom a constant pleasure, thank you house you're all I need. Lascia qu'io pianga on Josie's record player in the hall. She likes it too. [From Handel's Rinaldo in Barbra Streisand Classical Barbra] Brad and Luke sneaking to meet before we wake. Brad visibly growing and firming and dealing with things. Luke, Sibhion and Brad having a war while Josie and I watched. Sibhion making peace at the end. I stared at Luke to make him drop his tough act. "I'm going to kill you while you're sleeping" he said. I have a strong womanly look these days. I'm robust and shine, have wonderful hair, being fat makes me look younger, this hair and this neck and the moccasins and the jacket, eye make-up.
The beauty of Vaughn breaking out into long lines after short lines:
Like the possibility of an exercise - finding out who I am, among peers, in order to find out what I know that nobody else knows. "That was a good hit" said Bill Little, of the slides. Looking into someone's eyes - is it an occult secret, so forbidden? What if she/they were creatures, tokens, shapes that can be made either occult or daily, in some way evil or good, by taking an attitude to them, if life were that kind of dream really. Learning to see your hands, which act and make. In any case I felt vividly as though all the chaos of knowledge and information that I had read in various books and gathered during the changing fortunes of my life - now passing under the clear scrutiny of Renata, by agency either of her severe condemnations, or of her penetrating corrections - was gradually being welded to one enormous, unified mass, as from molten pigs of iron is welded a shapely bell, that can sound far and high. [Valery Briusov, probably The fiery angel] Carmichael, you're nearby. It gave me an inexpressible delight just to look at Renata and imbibe her image with my eyes. The magician opens a world of dangers that only constant safeguards can protect her from - his humanism - but learn the natural laws. The witch of Burghley Road who sold me the pitcher. her serpentine penetration They describe inscribing circles, with sections containing names, called houses. Remembering, in acid, how demonic Paul was, he locked my eyes across the table as if trying to impale me, and yet it was easy to drop out of it, turn away. He was such a lesser demon, an impotent animal willfully posturing, I challenge him expecting him to acknowledge what he knows, and he persists in what he believes to be himself, the humble suffering lover. I can't believe that he thinks he means what he says, what a crude forgery. Trudy! We named things. "She just wants to be with me. I love her now in a way I never did before, there was something in me, I never trusted her, I was at war with her, now she's a very deep friend." "It's taken a terrible toll on her, physically and spiritually." It's true you aren't going to be able to find - - Last night horrible last night: we can't make love to each other any more because we can't hurt each other any more. I couldn't let go into Trudy because I couldn't bear Cheryl hurting - she couldn't wrap herself around Trudy because I couldn't bear to see how she wants her so much - my confession is how terrible it is, to have seen how people can live so close to each other, sharing. I said what happened when I met Cheryl was that I'd thought I had a gift for living alone. She's got bleeding from the womb, lovely Cheryl. Bright burning beautiful Cheryl. I had to hide my eyes when Trudy unbuttoned Cheryl's shirt, her face when Trudy touched her - And then I saw how it would be to share everything with somebody, the thoughts behind the thoughts. "I've always lived that way" says T. "It's true that it isn't fair to you, to see in the way you did." Cheryl I've got such a longing for you, to give you something some reassurance in your pain - it isn't yours to give says she - I wanted you to see me, I'm bitter in me to remember seeing how you love and not having it for me. How she was, last night, wrapped round herself looking at the ceiling, (Crying. I go to talk to her. I am incoherent. Better and go to the West Coast New Chamber Ensemble and see a lot of people doing the beautiful ritual of music together. Sit still and monitor them what's real and what's false in them, beautiful people, or something beautiful in them, having to do with each other, the woman called Harriet, cellist, playing her face toward her companions. Cello and face - Joan MacIntyre a little overextended but a beautiful face. She's hanging onto her own woman, the smiler, but is full of life and very attentive. [Later: no she's impersonating herself.] The flutist who I liked because he was Jewish and looked like my friends (all those people so real) rising on his toes, in socks - Beethoven t-shirt. Carmichael. What is this life. "We're just starting, you and I," she said in her gentle voice. "Why are you talking like an obituary; just because we had one evening where we didn't get high." What Trudy said was we're finished, all of us, we killed it. Olivia said "Don't you ever want to be with somebody forever, even Roy?" I said "I can't imagine that." Olivia back these days. Tell us, did your lying with the Devil give you more sweetness and satisfaction than that with a man? One small white mouse, very pretty, was born unto me, but I strangled it and buried it in the garden, above the river.
The Devil - they gave so much thought to it - the Flaming Angel Cultivating the historical self [list of slides for my turn at the Sunday afternoon salon at Rhoda's house][most of these seem to be lost] 1. column - its fraction tilted by that strong pull down - pull between them the light helps hold it 2. boards - its ambiguity of light thing in shadow which is not shadow but stain - that strong white belongs to 60's - still it's lively - a blinding lightness and clarity 3. photographs of the Italian girl with light on her feet - odd foreground - make her monumental like she is - odd composition to get used to - the man with his woman obliterated - he's defending them - mount other one 4. the Frightened information girl - superimposition - simple sideways jolt through superimposition 5. the grass - spongy and deep 6. the bus interior - pink and white heads - wonderful this one - a warp of inside and outside - who remembers? centrifugal, parts of her 7. the sad Irish woman - Maggie - so beautiful she - waitress writing cheque - the girl, superimpose over car and bright place - the farmer - the Mother and Daughter - the girl and dog - Tara - a sequence entirely overlapped like that - sandwich - can movie process get that color slides have 8. ominous cars - all romantic - the romance of business - the light and shade taxi's windows in back like car - the luscious pink car - cars and people a unit - bright light in the corner 9. the bed and breakfast one still fine 10. Akasha - color / clear creatures / Luke too 11. church interior risking the heavy diagonal 12. series of three photographs Jefferson Starship With your love - T - how she goes into it - the thrill of late night music (takes me back) - 1 March Observing the air: being able to penetrate fuller, having sad and angry toward T and C, a picture of their bodies that hurts me, the misery of trying to love myself this morning and not finding it - do it with myself in ways I'd never tolerate with anyone else, that's self-abuse - tired - slow - trying to push - tired - not liking myself with Karen or Gordon - what are the kids up to - refinding humanism and reason extended - SKILL Don't go to them unless I have something / or they need it - a rationalized connection Observing the air - what the kids are showing Unsatisfied with how people talk - this isn't anything, this is so nobody here - how long I've had that fury. T saying of the evening with photographers at the new gallery, "The way I've worked it out with Cheryl and Rhoda, I took it outside." Ah. Startle. One person to talk to. My whole life is so aswarm with morality, the difficulty of social interchange, being responsible for time. I have to be a saint or else an idiot like everybody. Music of Today - Nexus with Cathy Moses and John Darling at Massey Hall In Fuller I'm looking to find visualizations of relationships. Christmas cards in which the mother signs the names of all of the family members.
The hook - what's the function of Poking into Fuller - seeming to be saying - the way I'm driven to poke into my obsessions - that I haven't got to my frontier yet, imagine feeling this is it. This is the place that's hard enough and still possible. Buckminster Fuller 1974 Synergetics Scribner Precipitating out of fighting with Paul - a combat excitement for the Artemis observing air. He finds extraordinary flatteries even when he's trying to be tough, "You are the most loving person in the world, there's something in me that makes sure you won't love me." He said this with tears in his eyes, self pity. T talking about not weeping for herself, Lessing on self-pity I remember his affectionate rushes as if I still need to hear them, "some slides I want your eyes to see," I said, "Oh and I have some slides too I want your lovely eyes to see." He cries out and I say something a little acid because I want him to stay tough and tonic. We fought about his silly dichotomy, he says he thinks I want men either emasculated or violent - that's his Irish dilemma, choosing to be 'emasculated' ie luxuriating in his sense of love - or else breaking into the rage he's scared would be the end. "When I saw your cheap dream it put me right off mine" he said. I lectured on what I'm trying to learn about practical love.
Diana's [Kemble] economical face and square smile (What it is, is withdrawal, they have to keep me in the porch and if there's a possibility of getting out I must get out and what will follow is bitterness shame sadness failure and probably Diana, with ambivalence and misery unless she's wiser than she shows.) - Air arrows Seeing the invisible, looking at what is obscured by attention habits values The window panes, kitchen, thick forest, blue, scratched, holes, lines blue light through In a dream, a pretty young man, happy in bed with me in the old Sunday School building. It isn't a fable the self that nags to come out, let me explain it to you Paul, it isn't a fable the one who is alone and likes it and looks for companions who like it - the tie to eighteen and freedom, if I cannot be more free, the illusions of love that place where one goes for the intoxication of freedom that drug I could eat every day, alone, watching the signs mirror am I conducting this life right? The blunt uncomfortable forthright conversations I have with Miss St Clair of Financial Collection Agency. "It would be to your own interest." "Do you plan to look for employment?" Long silences. The child, the child, not able to believe the triviality of the comfortably sociable. Dreaming of peers. Knowledge of a person. Domestiquer la rose. Cultiver mon jardin ma plage. A pocket borough - controlled by one individual - livre de poche - pock - pocket veto - retain bill without saying, causing it to fail without direct veto - connâitre comme sa poche In fact I gave up on Roy very early and didn't know it - he cried and split - as I have given up on them - there's too much they don't meet - was all the pain before Christmas that - the pain of not fitting - who - my intimations - Josie's song in the bathroom - like a flower when first she grew - humming down the air vent. Artemis waking a plank in confidence the plank goes on ahead and will take her anywhere Artemis the air crystallizing around her just sparkle of the beveled edges a fine shiver paler than water ah she disturbs the air, and it moves with her, Roethke tell me about air, the air moving downstream along with the stream visible and invisible rivers the big body arms independently swung at the side, smaller bodies, pushing air and sucking it up behind the draperies are there to tell it hair and fabric testify the glance of Artemis with pale eyes tunes it slower less volatile and there for her to see it hangs in bits rotating polyhedral fragments flashing minutely with the flash enlivening batting her skin with little shouts of fire world chandelier ring-ring Then stops it into a net a honeycomb pale green blues in shapes like tiles Artemis walking so free from the hip you know how to aim yourself at the horizon The sustained bells horizontal on air they make a granulation She hears bells too She walks in a free space, it rotates around her this icosahedron Inspire inspire She's tall and central - What you put out - leaves a (w/hole in you) I am To be full - where did she get the word? Baby G Love = the recognition of perfectability Fun - hey it's you - fun The sobbing of dogs Teach me how to ask real questions / teach me how to .., She won't make old bones Sarah's sense Trains shake this house from that distance Heaven - a perfection of the senses / and understanding Daphne's I can write better than I talk The spiral house Vs the short cut, the Path of Illumination - [March 6] Birthday party: Trudy's party which I borrowed to have mine in, big smile at the door, the table from that shop window, my table to make me an artist, I never was an artist on it but Trudy is and we were around it - brought to a table height. Question of self pity - Lessing did the analyst What's the way to get to it, bringing these people into the stir. This pen. Hey at a birthday - the salon opened and fine high regard and curiosity. You there, you there. It is harder to write out of that presence. What was it, Rhoda looking beautiful all fluffy hair, the thing about Rhoda is seeing her presence she's the solemn pole she's the spiritual authority in it she has it securely in front of her, or seems to; Cheryl across from her and if they were speaking it wasn't possible to break in, but Cheryl quiet very shining not quite there in talk but very shining with her burnt cheeks and brilliant eyes, I wasn't troubled by us, she saw enough and we were shy filling the pen together, and only once in an involuntary flash we acknowledged something. They were talking about Brando and Schneider, when they saw each other it was fate, he was willing to try it with her, she wasn't ready for that. It as none of those phrases, it was something in there, so quick a meeting but so close to the core. Un ange passe. Penny sat on a high stool in her fine patched jacket, she hasn't the gathered look, but she was insisting on herself. The deprivation experiment. What did he do? I want to know. Renee the mother, Renee deep bags under her eyes, a little girl she is. Rhoda was cuddling up to her. Trudy. How do we know when someone's got the dream syntax in a movie? How does the waking maker know about the dreaming maker? My dreaming maker All through this there's a sense of trying to find it T not questioning her existence means that she feels she's found it most of the time. The other sense is ah- this is the place -
The serpent force of the subtle body Unconscious moves spiralwise around a centre gradually getting closer, while the characteristics of the centre grow more and more distinct - Jung Alchemy and the Collective Unconscious Multiple personality Death and survival of consciousness In the body of wo/man the point of knowledge of one world becomes the navel of the next Think of Paul as I do of Christianity, something with power but toward regression / therefore a horror a powerful partial It is traditionally thought possible to gain access to the next world through the mirror or the reflecting moon. Different work speaks to us on different levels - the question of being an artist is This is what's hooking me back again and again If the work is spiritual Then the art is it a pretext? No, nor a livelihood It is the material. Then? That's the criterion for real work. But. Father's concept of noble And then the test is empirical. Does it speak of the work does it connect The impatience of not being able to do house and child and relatives and all because something is pressing to be done But what Centrality. Feeling these things are related but they aren't it The idea of what 'art' is
Does writing things down this way confuse the organic spiral? His tractor parts and how they brought new strangers Storm, table and chair shaken separately, an explosion in the next block Rain actually flung against the window - Maybe this is working from the wrong end but I seem to need to do it 1. how to make movies - say the way birds take off and group let go and recircle - the rain circles overlapping, it is to see what is ordinarily too fast But slowing down also imitates a faster mind - didn't understand that speed slows the world - q of metabolism As such it is a kind of imitation or reminder but not direct There's a choreography in it too, the way they move unmuddled - that's icon - a re-minder - reverberation - reactivation Then what would stop the world? Sensation of everything being clear being able to move and act, it's centrality and power Movies could vary the play But it's as if this thing is an element I don't know how to use yet What is the element? The analysis of rainfall in water - skip intermediate parts and see certain details catching The sensation would be of grasping a thing that flows A rhythm of release grasp release grasp That's what - it would have to move toward shorter intervals to see if you could still do it Musical chairs the sense of pattern in movement It is about stopping the world! Did clouds move [in jerks] in acid because I was actually stopping and starting? Movies Three frame movies - the Italian girl, the bridge, the focus shot Q what's in them that's worth anything - the Italian girl is best. Xerox. 2. sex - ideas were to invent myself outside and love myself like that. Re - re? - Paul, that I have to find a way to take it out of his mind so that he finally understands that without compulsion in me I will not fuck him, he has stupid dreams of rape. The confusion is the part of me that would quite like to, he senses the vacillation and maybe before he'd really understand I would have to fuck another man? The pretty carpenter? -
What to imagine. Given I can't lie with my friends imagine Tony, is what, a skinny man with skill and grace. A skinny woman with skill and grace, but she won't quite take charge enough, already I'm too strong with her. Looking for it to be war, for energy. 3. Money - food stamps? Write England. Rent out movie - to? Photo, mag. [part of page missing] 4. space traveler - mistress of time - observer of air preoccupation with the substructure metapoetics I haven't been doing it Only again and again telling myself to do it That's the carborundum That's the abrasive
Gush? I do! Watch o'er that loose / And empty house / Which I sometimes lived in Sure, there's a tye of Bodyes Imagining the solar system in motion
[part of page missing] The phone - no one there - how often? The 80 year moment of perception It used to be time subdivided by earth rotation Now there are clocks based on very rapid rhythms inside molecules or atoms - molecular or atomic clocks by which irregularities in spinning of the earth are observed 23, 870 million vibrations per second - of nitrogen in ammonia clock SO time as a tuning - if we saw finer what would we see Are we in very different states Try to imagine Thinking is FM A star is an exquisitely concentrated coordination of events that your optical tuning facilities are unable to resolve differentially into separately identifiable events. Stars or points are crossings or fixes as navigators would say it. A point fix is a potential thought. Constellation con-sidus stars together Closure - he's talking about how many 'items of consideration' it takes to have an understanding What is the feeling of understanding I am revolting/satisfying on the scale that I make up the world on Make up concepts at points and work out all the relationships possible between them Our senses are not simultaneous The art which develops a minute sense of time - music A precise measure taken on the length of a sound - Every book written, it's possible, could be read revealing connections on a plane far more interesting than it was written on - ie everything legible on every level, everything with a row of equivalencies What is it like here?
Every chemical element is uniquely identifiable in the electromagnetic spectrum by its own set of separately unique frequencies Ie we are what we eat His ideas that we're solid state circuitry The elements trapping different worlds, straining None of the chemical element sets or individual frequencies is the same as those of any of the other chemical elements' frequencies. The different frequencies of one element's set produce unique cyclic and frequency interactions whose resonances are similar to musical chords. The human senses are able to tune in no more than one millionth of the total known frequency range limits of the presently known electromagnetic frequency cloud chamber Every action has an equal and opposing reaction Critical proximity when one body of a couple of interacting masses starts or stops falling into the other and instead goes into orbit ie yields at 90 degrees not 180 degrees. Critical proximity between gravity and radiation - Make things from actual first person viewpoint. The blue Canadian Rockies [Wilf Carter 1951] A threshold - "If it persists, we call it matter." Lines are tracings mappings records of interference of one thing by another. Curved space because what defines space is movement. Looking at the sun falling down behind earth we see it 8 minutes after it's gone. Riley The kiss. [Bridgit Riley 1961 Kiss]
(C - I want to do things with you that haven't been invented yet.) There is no space he says, only interval between events, but it depends what vantage you're looking from. Dillard - what I can. Innocence is the spirit's unselfconscious state of pure devotion - receptiveness and concentration. Pascal writing FEU on a piece of paper he wore sewn into his shirt for the rest of his life. The Hasidism of redeeming the things of creation. Rimbaud
Chinook, the snow-eater
Shamans who left their bodies and skins to swim through the rock of continents. Gravity, to Copernicus, is the nostalgia of things to become spheres. Bachelard "aestheticizing values of human nature" -
There was one diamond in the cabbage leaves The garage roof steamed gently up its slope rotted shingles with moss on giving off a vapor seeping off rolling up Hey Saturday morning. Sad and lonely do I have to tell the androgeny dance to feel less of that. Cheryl so strangely cut and curled looking more frightened and frightening than ever. Trudy looking across the floor beautiful Trudy never takes her coat off. I've got something everybody wants she says, I give you a little and then I take it away - I'm the fortuneteller - the way she looked I wanted to hold her, the way she danced I wanted to dance with her - the nothing doing. I didn't defend my ways very well: I was eager to meet teachers. Richardson "caught through the mesh woven by the obstinate circlings of her consciousness, she saw ..." [Dorothy Richardson Pilgrimage, probably the Oberland volume 1927] Mass "stayed the talkative brain and made the soul sure of itself" The spirit of excited seeing, feeling the qualities The hotel porter taking strangers into a strange place The one to whom I could give my memories - To go outside of life in order to love it as it 'should' be loved - "the short room from whose four quarters there streamed, as she moved, a joy so deep that she brought up opposite the window as if on another day of life." The way a shadow is an enclosure for light A woman called Solomon Take how are you seriously as a question about that moment T should write Here a vertigo Beginning a certain way into something - a tiny opening gesture and then a disorientation for a moment in the midst of something. C. How do you get anything, refusing to go into things. Such a fragility of yourself because you have something to do you haven't found, oh so self mocked by that fright of hair. (Spinoza the lens grinder) leaving the air composed in a light To-morrow
The mechanics of taking self through the world, riding it: Entertaining somebody, how it is the texture of existence - the encounters - Sarah - looking into her face open in gratitude to see her so lovely and delicate and strong, soft soft Sarah, and then the rest of the evening sometimes uncomfortable in another less intimate meeting, but she came and sat with me, she was there in an element she knows what to do with. She describes Miriam's fluctuations - fine analysis T's work, the landscapes, she's playing with what tantalizes her, upside down and inside out, utmost stylization, b/w, none of the penetration of detail her social being has got (my social being unconscious things register but I don't know them). She's willing to work with people who are unconscious. Catch what Richardson throws up - Madame Degen's bedroom When T said "You wouldn't tell me ghost stories would you" in a coy voice, and I said, in another kind of voice "Not unless I felt you were positively begging for them." It was a complete flirtation, recognized, answered, making us warm and ashamed. It wasn't until the park that I realized how a ghost story would make her feel. How precisely parallel. These sensation homologies. - Backwardness a story told in reverse
Sweet simple voice young Roy Orbison? [Ricky Nelson 1957] What's clear is that if I want a bigger scale I have to look finer - easy as that Mexico - Maria's skill on the toboggan slope Hunger is 'hunger' for being - eating/being exchange Her discussion of the meaning of buying soap Love letters - do you have my loving letters somewhere in your files? Little word packages She's got an especial sense of the inward-outward, the pathetic fallacy which is not false Out in the immense landscape, in the down-pouring brilliance of pure light, thought was visible. She speaks of things making statements - mountains, rooms through this indescribable air, down slopes from which the landscape flew back and up the depth and color of music This seemed good while I was writing it / now seems not - what kind of touchstone is there for this. I could move the world if you gave me somewhere to stand. the Jewish land-laws, never surpassed Scarcely breathing, she dropped, aware at once by the way the now familiar objects of the room fused to a unity, as if seen from a distance, that she would remember them forever, down and down, sure now, if she could hold out, of attaining at last in his presence for the first time, save now and again by accident, the possession of that self within herself who was more than her momentary self, and again and again, intermittently and unreliably, had charmed them both. Almost arrived, almost down in the innermost sphere of happy solitude, drawing the first deep breath of its fresh air that was like air coming across the sea at night, air breathed above the waters of a spring
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