July 62
Its simply hilarious, and somewhat maddening to hear Grandpa Konrad's
brevity on the telephone. Eg: Sat nite 10:00PM Frank dials, someone lifts
the reciever and doesn't say hello first, as telephone etiquette dictates.
I say hello and he grudging comes across. I say Is Ellie in? He says "Shes
sleeping" with almost satisfaction.
Now, a few minutes ago, that laconism of his, practically unhinged me.
The meagre words She went away, ..... nothing more to say.
The soul or inner man is like a plant, an individual plant. Its branches
rub against others, breathe the same CO2, sometimes bend to a common wind,
and in rare cases intertwine with other very few arms. But, it's fact, where
there are twinings of special nature, the grafting knife will cut sometimes.
The absent tentacle leaves memory but also a nothing. But to say it affects
not future is false.
July 62
By now you'll have retired, as it's near midnight. Our 'phone conversation
gives grist for my pen. You maybe feel that it was all to sudden last night,
but Ellie, these are never convenient unless there has been careful shopping.
A bit of trembelation, and sense of awe met me this morning, alone with
a generous serving of joy. Shall we de-beak the gremlins of time. Tomorrow,
a pad of paper would be convenient for laying down in step form your aspirations,
and mine, and how these could be reconciled to harmony.
Shall we also discuss your\our\my\dreams? We didnt really complete things
did we, know why? Cause we had solved one problem (or had we) and we hazily
enjoyed it.
Sept 12
There was "young peoples" at our church tonite but its so useless.
All it is - a device to keep the young people within our religion and our
circle of marriagible people. So they can raise more little mennonites.
Friday night 7:25PM Sept 14
The mood of lonliness and week-end stirrings are very strong. The people
of this house are away in town, or at choir practice.
Do you, after reading some books, or stuff, get very bottled inside?
Sometimes does the turmoil get so great that you wonder what is truth. Will
we be right in the end? Is this a joke? Are we all perverted
Sept 62
The house and I are alone tonite. Only a ticking clock and a setting
sun remind me of time.
The rain thrumming on the rhubarb outside the window this morn lent an
atmosphere of tropical jungles.
Its been a crammed week We had a large cat to do our clearing - a D8
- and i'm fatigued from picking roots.
There has been some rain (quite often) and its dangerous for me to be
on the road then, because a wanderlust of mania proportion grips me. Just
think, I could get lost in the far away some where without my memory and
i'd not even remember you (I'm keeping sane)
i'm drunk on good music these days. I can recognize Paganini, Beethoven
- Moonlight Sonata. Hayden, fledermouse, and magic flute.
P.S. Just after you left I didn't shave for 4 days and looked a sight
when the mirror prodded me. I vowed then I wouldn't let myself go to pieces
like that again.
Sept 23
Yesterday while plowing a field, a delicious odor arose from under the
tractor. It was mint, crushed mint. That seemed so beautiful, that some
had to be picked and sent to you.
Seems like all energy has leaked out of my bones with the words to you
tonite.
A bit about Marvin. He lives in memory because he's chiefly an angel
sent to me in the time when all little boys have an image of what theyd
like to be. The guy who knew how to fish. He had a shotgun at 12 years old.
How i'd have liked to be like him. We sometimes shot target Sunday afternoon.
The times we hunted rabbits together with his dog. The times we hiked around
together. The fallingouts we had a very few. His visits home from the logging
operation. He's logged ever since 16 years old. Memory has created an ideal
of him thats really not real. Now when we meet I think we secretly wonder
what has happened between us. There are the usual questions of how we are
keeping. There are also cynical little quips about dissappointments and
failures in life.
Once we had a plan where we'd each work, and buy a boat, and with his
truck we'd fish lakes, hunt and only have to work about 2 mo a year each.
Prospecting was also one of our goals.
At the time we worked together he was 22 yrs old and I was 19. Now he's
25 yrs old. The things he went thru and told me about and the way he often
felt [so forlorn] are feelings I get now. He had a girl he was going steady
with, but then one day a letter arrived with only two lines which told him
clearly that was good-bye. He changed a bit then quieter then, more cynical.
He's aimless, drifting, and has no aspirations except one that we talk of
almost every time we're together. That valley away somewhere that we're
going to see one of these fine days.
Sept 25/62
Last nite at 10:25 a contractor to whom I had applied for work phoned
and said he needed a man. It seems terrible to have to slave for that almighty
dollar that is what buys what we need. I'll be making between 12-13$ a day,
That is the only heartening thing about the whole thing. Work in Vancouver
get up at 6AM or better, and come home after 6PM, that's not too heartening,
over 12 hrs gone every day for only money. The first day today was not bad
but my wrist got very sore and i'm trying to heal it with hot water.
Oct 9/62
Do you ever ponder some, or many passages in the new testament? Things
in the bible seem so confusing. Is it possibly because our values now are
distorted? There seem to be conflicting commands or instructions on what
& how we are to do things here.
Oct 10
Our family is the most ill adjusted family in our church. The odd balls
of the lot. Truthfully with no overstating. I could enumerate for a page
& a half, but that would expose us too much. Marg & Judith definitely
believe that none of our family will ever marry, & that we'll all move
into a big house together when we're on our own.
October 14/1962
Monday was thanksgiving when the boss went to Okanogan & hence we
didn't work. We piddled around at home. Dad and I got the Irrigation rig
home from the other place in a rainy cold wind in the morning. The afternoon
was spent by collecting garbage around the household and yard. Our red truck
was dutifully loaded and all our degrading junk was brought to the dump,
a place infested with rats and unpleasant odors.
October 25/62. 9:25 PM
Do you ever feel very alone and just in a very very big place with life
all around but none for yourself?
You have no idea what it is, not being able to sleep. I wonder if Marvin
still can't sleep?
I wish theyd fight that war and get it over with. The communist doctrine
has no room for peaceful coexistence with the democratic countries. The
biggest point in their "Religion" is World domination. We continue
to let ourselves be duped by these revolution mongers and murderers of freedom
leaders. They've never wanted peace and they never will want it. The only
time theyll be peaceful, is when they have the whole piece of every country.
Democracy has faught in 2 great wars to preserve "our right to live
as free men". This is so much tommy rot, to have expended all this
effort and money, not to speak of bloodshed, to beat a twice loser Germany,
and the ravages of a couldbe dictatorship headed by [?] or a Nazi world,
the dice are falling against us, and we will now tumble to communism, which
is spreading like an insidious cancer in the soft underbelly of lax fat
lazy wage demanding capitalist plus welfare cases. We've got to fight this
thing out, and purge our own country of the leanings toward socialism eg:
even I, just now, could apply for welfare, if I was out of work. Our small
municipality, just a small one pays out just under half a million welfare
dollars. Outrageous, taxes are killing us, cause we're all paying in every
municipality. If theres not something done, and all the philosophising in
the world can't explain away the downfall of old nations's Rome, Greece
etc, I'll turn communist, cause even if I hate it, it'll be better to all
go down to ruin and see these sore back, lazy shiftless lot working along
side me for a bowl of soup, than to pay out maybe 30% wages in taxes - open,
provincial, federal, hidden etc. These are a (few) of the ideas and beliefs
that grown in my mind. Other pleasanter thing like desire for ease and pleasure
(which I condemned up top). My judgements aren't too fair they cut like
a knife, that should really cut me. However its just talk, like all our
democracies. We have the freedom to destroy ourself.
Oct 24
My days.
Up at six, make lunch, eat breakfast, drive to meeting point, drive to
Vancouver in company station wagon, work from 8-12, eat 12-12:30, work from
12:30-5PM go home.
Carpenter work. Intense speed.
You said i'm your best friend. I'll file that for my blue days.
Last night I dreamt of you. We seemed to meet out of nowhere and in the
warm sunlight, we walked arm in arm for what seemed a long time. Suddenly
every thing dissolved and it seemed like it had been a second, and there
was a feeling of sadness.
Oct 25
To have a teacher unlock a poem for you is a memorable experience.
Much better is the ability to read and get to own a poem yourself. However
elementary this ability its great.
The Bible holds some very disturbing topics and material. I tentatively
disagreed with some of the O.T. books and topics and practically was called
a heretic. My my - let us disconnect our brains. I was clearly told that
i'd be better off not to believe anything. I'm very confused.
Just recently after reading a bit on astronomy theories I was stunned
at the immensity of all the Galaxies. Why are they drifting apart into space?
What was the point of creating all this when one solar system would have
been more than adequate for our existence.
We've had our first frost recently. The maples are aflame, and the tender
green fruit tree leaves have turned a very dull green. I've worked exactly
4 weeks at this job, and have made about $240.00. its not what dad makes,
but it helps.
The "bumps" of distant guns at lakes, and corn, and oat fields
jar my mind into thinking of what i'd really like to do.
Oct 31, 1962
A conclusion has been reached. My recent letters have been of a low calibar
eg petty arguments and general poor humor. Thank you for tolerating this
outburst. With some self control it shan't happen again. Sorry Ellie - and
don't mention this contrite paragraph please.
Do you s'pose that perfectionism is a malady? I do, and heres why. My
dad is one, and constantly strives for a norm his own mind sets. He can
however never attain this status so he's miserable and put out, cause he
couldn't make it. Thats a pattern I go thru. Always striving to attain the
impossible, or setting huge quotas, long hours, norms. That fishing trip
was a real indulgence. A break away from what had to be done, and just take
a holiday. That get away feeling was total, and complete enough to make
me want to stay forever.
Do psychology courses analyse how one gets into and out of a frame of
mind? For instance: What emotion evokes suicide? self pity? desire to escape,
or self hate?
Nov 24
The book "Brave New World" isn't one that you should read.
Perhaps I shouldn't have read it either but it taught me a good lesson.
Remember when we discussed my plan of How to raise a master race? These
people in Brave New World had it all figured out, and they mass produced
humans via cellular division process, and incubated in large test tubes.
There was no marrying, and you can deduct that their love life was a great
free for all. The whole book was revolting, and inhumane.
Dec 8, 1962
Just how to begin talking to you tonite, is rather a problem.
Now theres a need to talk to some one, and who is there except you? It
would be a great relief to open my flood gates and pour out some (tension?
Sadnes??)
However, since thats not possible we'll have to talk. (And there by learn
nothing)
The whole crew worked today and we got a great amount of work done. Unusually
enough it didn't rain today, and thats an exception because it has rained
every day this week.
Being tired from the past week, called for a relaxation period alone
with the radio, and a book. Being alone, of course means down in my room.
After reading one of my recently acquired gun magazines for a few minutes
mom entered and announced "There's a friend for you here".
Right after that, Marvin entered.
We talked a while, played a game of table tennis (which he won). Twisted
wrists, which he also won. While joshing around, he commented that he was
getting married Dec 28.
That felt like being shaken - like a dog shakes a rat.
Dec/62
Music from Balkan lands, slavic, Paganinni's violin composition just
tear my composure to shreds
On stormy days in the city there are dingy gulls riding inland on the
wings of the wind, their heads sweeping back & forth ceaselessly.
The bible says be fruitfull and multiply. To facilitate this, God of
course arranged things like they are. You take biology, and you wondered.
However, its very healthy mentally to strive to resist, because our christian
society is sucessful, and depends on a well organized moral atmosphere.
journal Christmas 1962
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