| in america 10 part 5 - 2006 june | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
8 June Documentary about cheetahs - I'm transcribing and hear a young woman's voice offside, some Southern girl, maybe in her twenties. I like this narration, they should do this more, she's so feeling and natural. I sit down and watch her more than the cheetahs. She is wearing no makeup. Long straight hair, nose a bit aquiline, poreless white face. Her mouth is interesting, a bit thin and muscular., intelligent. What is it that is holding my attention. I couldn't tell what she was. She seemed artless but I kept staring to try to catch another kind of intelligence I'd sometimes maybe see - I couldn't tell. Didn't know why this artless Southern girl would have a camera crew following her through Namibia and Zululand. Then I went on Google because I wanted a photo of that face for its tensile quality - is that how to say it? Is it what Susan said, small muscle control? A taut face. A face that goes taut like a cheetah. Holly Hunter b.1958 in Georgia. - Evil Susan turned up in my mailbox today. Forwarded message from a tantric dance goddess. I could tell what she thought she was saying but why wd she be saying what she was actually saying - three things maybe, 1. tantric goddess is signing ohm love 2. she is being encouraged to write a book 3. she is bursting into my mailbox without saying anything herself. Delete. Still have 5 evals I'm lagging on. I hate dealing with the online form. Friday morning. Grey. I'm holding off. 10 Transcribing 1993. I look up sallit. It's from the Old English for sea farer, pirate. saeliga. !! Ken is nowhere Google can find him.
I'm wanting the whole thing up, now, to see the whole. For instance now I can see how these stories in Aphrodite's garden are like the stories in Still at home, after years of something else. 11 Lyubov wants to do a 3-part mini
- What kind of Sunday it was. I'm sweet on Tom today, sad for him, his bike got stolen from out front at my house - his beautiful blue bike I bought him for his birthday for two hundred dollars. We went to see The Prairie Home Companion last night. I was downtown on my bike and afterwards he walked me up 4th wheeling it for me until the street flattened enough to ride. He was next to me in the movie cracking because of the singing about a mother dying. And today in the jeep while I did my laundry leaning back with his eyes closed listening to the banjo on ---*. Jam tonight wanting to know where I'll be July and the beginning of August. Unsettling - the bike and Lyubov. Tripped on the sidewalk and smacked down hard. It's happening oftener. 12 Am I coming up against my old enemy in a new place. I'm scared now about Francis and Lyubov, my heart feels squeezed. I'm being checked. Beaten back, is how it feels. I've been the science expert. Am I going to find myself behind? Is what I know going to be too - what? - recondite - too developed, too dependent on slow learning - to be able to articulate? Am I going to be silenced? My instinct is that they're going to be interpreting science in a way that aligns it with dissociations and priesthoods. Francis wants a kingdom of mysticism he can command because he's been to India. Quantum mysticism is a removed mysticism, it's not a mysticism of perception. I want a science as love. Perception as love, science as love vs science as dissociation. Other discomforts. Susan and what to do about her. Matter and emanation Light, energy, radiation Einstein's imaginary 'behind the surface' 'matter and energy are forms of one real thing' the sun turning its enormous bulk into an ocean of energy atoms seem spontaneously to emit a chunk of wave light quantum - go in one direction rather than another "Men always need some idiotic fiction in the name of which they face each other." statistical randomness at base 'at the quantum level' x energy conservation x causation rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life is a letter to Dutch physicist Paul Ehrenfest late in the 1914-1919 war at velocities well below the speed of light classical gravity atoms when heated give off and absorb only a few frequencies quantum jump even the scientists speak in the idealist way of saying they change nature's rules rather than describe differently wave effects spherical, particle directional a long assault on humanism be clear about what is speculation distortions of electron orbits by electric and magnetic fields number of outer orbit electrons - chemical properties the wave theory of light has proved itself superbly in describing purely optical phenomena faith that the universe makes sense a replacement for both waves and particles predict the direction quanta will travel a virtual field with action at a distance no detectable energy, but real effects in the form of instantaneous dependencies? between electrons a way of abandoning [the notion of] causation conservation principle whether angle of scatter would be predictable - if so, conservation limiting equations that solve practical problems but don't describe foundations a mathematically unified field theory if a magnet moves past a resting conductor you get an energy field around the magnet = electrical field if you move a conductor past a magnet you get electromagnetic induction - volts of electromagnetic force - pushes electrons in the conductor = asymmetry you get different accounts of what happens depending on which you consider to be in motion and which at rest electromotive forces are electromagnetic fields with 0 energy physical field a region of empty space that somehow produces effects inertial systems light always propagates in empty space at a speed independent of the state of motion of the emitting body no ether, no absolute time something about measurement being locally timed saves the equations there are facts but the measurable parts are relative 'relativity' is actually about absolutes: absolute speed of light, universality of laws in any system gravity - uniform in systems, things accelerate together gravity is indistinguishable from gravitation a structural limitation on knowledge a spinning electrical charge produces a magnetic field - electrons generate field so must be spinning laws the same everywhere means you would discover them to be so indefinite number of ways to define reference points, but each would lead to a single solution special relativity = uniform motion general relativity incorporates it - accelerated ie gravity
"a profound trust in the universe and life" distrust in authority seen as intentionally deceiving vibrating oscillators Brownian motion 1905-1925
100s of millions of years of molecular evolution atom - nucleus has the mass which is v tiny - it's the properties of electrons that determine interactions of atoms laws of chemistry are consequence of quantum interactions of the electronic swarm surrounding the nucleus radioactivity is emission of particles from the nucleus protons and neutrons immensely strongly bound shells and jumping orbit characteristic energy levels electrons charge conservation in hadron reactions can be explained by numerical conservation of quarks quarks similar to electrons, combined quarks or antiquarks, or one of each have never been detected as free particles up down strange charm (bottom, top) beauty truth electric charge concentrated in pointlike structures energy required to resolve a question "may exist at higher energies than we can achieve" experiments that led to subatomic theory, high energy physics radioactivity photoelectric effect - light hits a metal plate, electrons fly off atomic line spectra particle-scattering A male language so corrupt I can't think in it:
- I found a short version of Lyubov's diss online and here's what I found: she lumps carelessly. She cites Ken Wilber! She's got a nation-wide education prize for a diss that would never pass in philos. She's not sensitive to the weaknesses of metaphor in thought. She's hungry for synthesis and somewhat able in it. There are things to be said on her side but she's pious. She hasn't looked at the implications. 1. interprets quantum results to say holonomic universe. If everything is everything, is anything something? - certainly people are connected - they're very large speculations and we are adopting them as metaphors or paradigm-shifting instances, they've seized our imaginations like religious pictures - my question is, can we love the universe without them and live well and meaningfully? Is the universe conscious? Are organic bits conscious? It says no. Emotional gains of this vision of science. But do we need them? I think not, if we don't dissociate prebirth life and being in. Progressive and retrogressive is what I need to say, and sort them. Be able clearly to say how mbo is different. Find best sources on philos of quantum mechanics. Postmodern science: 1. Method, stories and integral visions "New postmodern perspective on scientific rationality that encompasses fuzzy logic and narrative information." 2. Quantum theory - "visions and cautions associated with interpretations and applications of the concepts of ..." Whether quantum theory offers visions on reality as something "non-material, non-predictable, and deeply unified." 3. The embodied mind, x representation, human-world co-emergence [my outline]
Large orange moon - strawberry moon - there it was when I went out barefoot to lock the gate. 13 Stepping out the door today that little ecstasy of early air. I'm at Bellevue waiting for the hedging crew. There's a bricklayer's crew and a stucco crew. Guistino Hidalgo from Guadalajara. 14 I like to do things but I don't like to have things to do. Guistino a beautiful man, very fit, not quite my height, white teeth, warm black eyes. He was in a bucket of the boom truck clipping top growth on the hedge. Later I tripped on the sidewalk in front of him and he grabbed my upper arm and hauled me up. I was feeling a sort of hunger for what he is, responsible hardworking physical man with warm eyes. There was also something else. I would look up and see him in the bucket against the sky and he'd smile an ingratiating smile. The awkwardness for all of us, him, me, Min, of working to Nora's whim. "She wants it more natural." -
Why do they say conventional science is cold? Galaxies in their clusters, enormity. - Body & cosmos. So I'll do a 3-part mini that talks about:
- and I'll bring my films.
~ 15 Transcribing 1987 - Vampires on TV - they rear their heads back and hiss. Fangs come down. I saw them and thought of what I became after Rhoda and Trudy. Transcribing these journals is making me see myself as evil. Did I wreck Michael [Voskamp]? Was I corrupt from Roy on? Do my powers come from evil? Is that why I'm careful not to profit? I cannot possibly take money from Jam. What does evil mean? Crooked. Wrecked. Wrecked the way Michael [Duke] is. Would I have died if I hadn't gone bad after them? I did the right thing, I went to Joyce. Juliana said she didn't understand what happened at the end of Spinster. I said was it when the teacher killed himself after he'd got a student pregnant and she'd committed suicide. If so I could understand that sometimes you can be responsible for something that has gone so wrong you can know you're irrecoverable and check out; but I wouldn't do that, I would try to make restitution in whatever way I could. Maybe guilt isn't a feeling but a sort of fact that gets calculated unconsciously. 16 If I decide unconsciously that I shouldn't succeed, then at the same time I'm preventing the good in my work from being used. This morning an email from Louie who hadn't written since I sent her the url for Frank:
Then she writes, Yellow cherries in a bowl tonight big gobble you are the only other person I know who would dive into the cherry bowl on a summer night in such a way If I've correctly sentenced myself to fail because my capability rides on damage to Luke, Rowen and Michael - irreparable damage - then what I feel is a kind of loving pleasure at having seen a principle of being. 13 pages of September 1987, up the mountain with Akira, dinner at Daphne's with Cheryl. Both passages went incandescent for a moment. I mean intense and coherent. Friday afternoon. Brilliant. 17 Saturday morning, 6:30. It's grey but it'll open later. Stacey yesterday sent a piece citing research that says kids now are losing sensory ability, they need higher stimulation and they don't integrate senses. A guy in Esquire writing about boys, who says they're disaffected in school, they shouldn't have to read Jane Eyre. 19 Yesterday Tom said let's go to Santa Ysabel and I said let's go somewhere we haven't been, so then we took the Del Dios exit and the S6 to Palomar through Valley Center. Tom was telling a story about the first time he took ecstasy with Lorrie, driving to Bolinas deep into the night, seeing colors coming out of her mouth when she spoke. Then a herd of neon-outlined deer running on the right side of the car and on the left orange tortoises. He was wound up in the frenzy of the story when we found ourselves looping down into a stunning undeveloped valley. There were a lot of little roads and houses - rocky and blond - and then continuing into Mesa Grande country. Later coming down off Palomar Tom stopped in a pull-out and we felt the warm scented wind and looked across to farm houses on the ridges - yes somewhere out there. Poking at quantum mechanics books - realm like theology, men lost in speculation. What I feel in it is obscure incoherence, somehow that their terms are assuming what they deny. I know it needs to be studied as a field of discourse, what men say. If I do that - if I can do that - I'll see what they are getting wrong. But it's also very repellant, the history of experiments and results, the ugly men piling up historically, the pages of equations. At its best it's a confusion that has to shake down someday into clarity. Someone will come along and rephrase it. In the meantime there are male motives proliferating. 1. If there is no 'reality,' there are no bodies, no biology, no evolution. 2. If there are no bodies there is no observer. 3. They have to imagine the observer as an outsider to their posited nonreality. 4. If the math works the fault is in the ontological interpretation. 5. Does it mean their interp of anything subatomic is wrong? 6. Say there are no subatomic entities or parts, but fields. Can they be shattered? No. 7. Reality means stability of pattern yes 8. A jumpy fluxy submaterial - what else could I be. A scale beneath which conservation laws don't apply.
9. Careful eye on the body denial motive. Look for what they want out of unsettled state of theory. Look for the fallacies, which aren't all motivated. 10. Can it support further capabilities and wellbeing of bodies? Is there a way to frame it so it can? 11. Do they interpret themselves out from under it? 12. Is time real? Biology requires it. 13. Limiting conditions where middle-world laws fail. Somehow it's one whole which means that these realms don't otherwise determine each other? Subatomic under the floor, as if?
14. If they want subatomic indeterminacy to somehow ground the notion of immortality, how would they get soul identities out of it? to be the same soul it would have to be the same organization. -
21st Nancy Holt - near Lucin UT thirty years ago. Four long concrete culverts 9' across, 18' long, with holes drilled aligned to patterns of Draco, Perseus, Columba, Capricorn. - About itching. Yesterday aft in the jeep that sensation of being bitten. I don't see anything on my arm. After a bit there's a little bump like a mosquito bite. An hour later just after I get home another bite inside my sleeve further up the arm. Same, little mosquito bump. Itch stops. By night the bumps are gone. Next morning the big red itchy spots have appeared, same as bedbugs, but if so what were they or was it doing in my jeep? And does it mean Tom carries them in his clothes?
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