the golden west volume 6 part 1 - 1996 april-june

work & days: a lifetime journal project

Vancouver April 1996 Love woman - is this her book?     your book with her You have to bring her through the time without becoming her. Back work woman up to love woman, and then back love woman up to the child. [Summary taken from previous volume: I am the relation of them. Work woman is a kind of man. There are three versions of love woman: love girl before and after, the sexual woman, and the responsible woman who is (HP). Love girl after becomes work woman. The whole state and then the betrayed state and then the much too careful state. To know their differences and transitions, to know the motives of the states, their strengths. 1. Wholeness. A wholeness with dependency that is unknown, young passion and confidence. 2. Crash. Utter betrayal, bewilderment, crumbling, loss. 3. Constriction. The forms of reconstruction, the vows not to be innocent any more, closing back the energy field, caution. 4. False wholeness. Then the crooked construction of ways to get energy when it has been astricted at the source. Polio had that course, and then social adjustment had the same course. A position that requires control to maintain. In that position abandoning to what happens. Contain a pressure to expand, merge, diffuse, but without contracting, for higher charge within a relaxed organism. A level of aliveness. Here's the work, it says: love's fragility. I need a work of personal love, I need a task of personal love. It always begins this way: she wanders into fantasy. Let her wander. There will be a crash. Allow it. Follow it into original terrified helpless love that knows who it loves. When I find myself longing for him I can know I have flown like a crow to the child I was.] 6th April 1996 [To love woman] Dear you, are you there?     I've always been a quiet voice I love your quiet voice     (big sigh) I love finding it in the journal, I feel at home     (quiet) I've been with you so little!     missed you, where were you? Do you know where I was?     not really In anxiety a lot     that's me trying to get to you Is that true?     yeah Are you the best of creatures when you're loved?     (flow of love up the back) And a madwoman when I neglect you?     the madness is you missing me Are you concerned about this decision?     I want you to survive it Do you care whether he does?     no Is that a picture of you?     of us Were you there when I was with him     a very little Do you want us to be with a man at all?     yes Are you jealous of him?     no You loved Ken Sallett?     it was a third person Little No?     yes Are we her parents?     in a community with her Can she talk?     yes Is this book for her too?     yes Do I violate her?     YES Do you like sex?     yes Was that you in Mexico?     Little No He violates her too     yes Are there any of my lovers you prefer     no Am I male in relation to you?     yes Is Little No the child version of you?     of you Little No grew up to be a man?     didn't grow up I'm here in place of who she would have been if she'd grown up?     yes Can you tell me who you are     your recovered state You are there but not expressed yet     yes You're love woman?     that is one of my names Is there a reason I confuse love woman with Little No?     there is an open heart in both but with Little No it is violated I'm feeling he's irrelevant to all of us     no that's not what you're feeling Is he irrelevant?     yes He wanted something     yes I got swept into his orbit     yes Does Little No have two states, wide open and shut tight?     yes And I'm just a man who tries to understand     yes Will you tell me about you?     do you remember the day you sat in the red chair?     So weren't you there in Mexico?     yes Was there a reason you were there that day?     death Can you explain     literal death, his death This is scaring me     don't be scared You were loving him in the taxi     yes Do you mean we were mortal that day     yes We weren't holding onto each other yet     yes Is there any more you want to say tonight?     stay undecided 13th May Something that happened yesterday when I lay down - a sense of pressure under the brain and pushing up - I concentrated in it and felt the pressure release and flow up to the top of my head - it flowed quite a while - I was understanding it as flow from the solar plexus. 14 Louie sitting on my bed last night, a woman with a good haircut. I mean a woman who looks like a realized woman. Years on. I had told her about fighting with Mary. She'd told me about dinner with Alan and Eve. We were laughing feeling the strength of our strength. As if we'll never crumble again, as if overwhelming pain and hopelessness will never come back. How's my boy. How am I about my boy. Yesterday late afternoon I was working on my bed. I began to notice my heart was full. It was jumping for joy. I said he's at the desk feeling me. Maybe he is deciding to come through. I am as joyful as if he were. Or maybe I'm wrong. Something I should see better, the poles of vacillation there has been. It's the way I see him, who I imagine him to be. a) I think of him as weak, damaged, deluded, denying, careless, addicted. And then b) I think of him as a better nature who can and might come through. In this mood I feel he's not far from a motion that will open a new life which is the one he has been afraid to want in case it isn't possible. It needn't be with me. I mean anywhere he wants to be. And I feel he's meant to be with me. What can I see about the way I switch. Joyce would say the way to see is to see the weakness and the possibility together always. I did that when I fought. It's the blue-haired fairy's way. a) is true     Is b) true?     if you add that he's in conflict Is b) his original self?     future Weak self and true self     YES Is everyone made like that     no Blue haired fairy is the true self     I steadied him in true self and then he lost it when I left     When I fought with him I spoke through to it     Does it have to do with caretaker selves     They are weak     YES It is weak self in me who is going to die     After I had Rowen I was in true self     True self was afraid it was going to die     People feel the true self is there but they're afraid they're evil     Does weak self have to choose real self     Why doesn't real self just take over     enslavements Real self is enslaved?     no prevented by the enslavements of weak self Real self has to be shown how to work with weak self     The tradition has identified weak self with the body     YES They are both aspects of the body     YES When I was drunk in Hong Kong was the lucid one the real self     When T is drunk does he get to real self     feels he does Weak self has more than one aspect     Oppressor-compliance     The child     Love woman?     no Love woman is a bridge?     YES Is there more?     depends on the person Love woman is a bridge because of the sheer energy     When people are in love they get to real self because of the energy     YES Weak self doesn't see itself as weak     YES Seeing itself as weak is the first step     no somebody else seeing it That's what compassion is     NO only if it's done with love for the real self Love for the weak self too?     depends what you mean, you want it to die Is Louie's book her real self     YES Are you my real self     a larger force Did the stone circle strengthen the real selves     Because it's an image of it     Is the cross an image of it     no What's the cross an image of     loss The way to the real self     YES It was T's real self that said, Be clear     It was his real self that said we might someday love each other     Who wrote In the night     no that was weak self longing for real self Weak self longs for real self?     and not When it's longing for real self weak self is in a better position?     no weak self has no good positions Kogawa's book is written by real self     no a strong form of weak self Does real self write books     Image of wrecked house is weak self     I can be real self by myself     But slip in the presence of other people     NO because of fear of other people Is it possible for weak self to use real self     If one can get into real self without having done the moral work     Moral work is work with the weak self     Is real self always beneficent to other people     YES Is anyone's real self dead     no Do animals have real selves and weak selves     Caretaker consciousnesses     A person's real self can't kill another person but an animal's real self can     15 Exasperated. It has been four months of house arrest. I just sit in my bed and chop straw. He was my connection with motion action emotion touch transcendent joy newness contact speed the waves the highway oh a man in my arms, and I HATE being without that. It has been four months of cold poverty suspension agony waiting trying failing being disappointed being mistaken being taken. I am complaining oh I am complaining of these months of straw. This is what I have instead of a life, this sitting and muttering. I loved being with you. I was interested in every minute. I hate it that it's over. I hate the way it's endless psychology without issue. I hate it that I'm going to go on living alone tamped down. I hate it that I am not at the beginning of a new life. I hate it that you won't break through and do it with me. I wanted to go for broke and kick out the slats. I can't believe you're holding back, I can't believe you could propose that and not mean it. I hate it that I'm sitting on the road with my bags and no journey. I don't want this fate     something about love woman What about her     is being tempered I allowed her to exist and she's going through her troubles and this is one of them     YES Is this her loneliness     yours Do you mean this dejection is love woman being restructured     This is a life of straw     YES Sitting in my bed talking to myself     I'm perpetuating it!     YES I hate this!     no, you are not excluded It's nothing but therapy on and on     there is action coming It has been a horrible four months     it's over I'm so exasperated     be responsible Beginning to write something about Pinocchio and The water babies. Sick of this writing. I bought two beautiful shirts today and look ill and old. As if I'd like to just give up and lie down and die. Weak tears. Pinocchio and Tom the water baby are impulsive heedless and good-hearted in the end. Pinocchio in Catholic Italy written as if a folk tale, moral training overseen by a blue-haired fairy/child/woman. He has to learn to work, study, take care of people, see through con artists, tell the truth, persist. Tom [in The water babies] torments animals for fun, has to go back and help the man who mistreated him. His redemption is overseen by an Irishwoman/queen of the fairies/Ellie the noble girl/Mrs Do As You Would Be Done By and her ugly sister. The adventures are odd and grotesque dealings with animals and people who aren't really people. I knew there was a Tom and Ellie somewhere, forgot it was the water babies. (Isn't there another Tom and Ellie - Olive Shreiner I think.) My Tom has that quality exactly of being willful eager heedless rushing into repentance and then forgetting to follow through because something comes up. Vowing faithfulness. Led away to Toyland on the eve of his becoming-a-boy party. Pinocchio is a puppet in that he doesn't act in his own interests. And yet his straying energy attracts people who put themselves out for him. 17 I woke with a stop at the solar and questioned it. What is being stopped? Anger is what it sighed to. Wrote a letter. I am pissed off with you, boy. Submitted it to the book. Is this a good letter? Yes. Can I send it? No. Why not, why not? Look further: he is vainglorious. What is the coordinate term for that structure? Shame. Is there a cure for shame? Consciousness. Depression this afternoon but now tonight it's come home to me. His unfoundedness, his emotional defenselessness, his loneliness. I am aching for him. The way I opened a space and took him into it and then one day closed him out again. He won't know why. He'll just know he was afraid it would happen and it did. a) He's an asshole and he was ditching me. b) He's a soul wanting to find his way to himself. c) He's lost and desperate and pitiable, a wreck. d) He is what he is, we had an amazing time. A cad, a soul, a wreck, a traveler. Are those true in different worlds or the same one? In a, b, c, there's something wrong with him; in d, not. I've been convinced in a, b, c, but d isn't a conviction. It's maybe a passing state of balance? Who am I in each position? When he is a cad I am wronged. When he is a soul resisting his own freedom I am a soul on the way to freedom. When he is a wreck I am compassion, like Joyce. When he is what he is I am free already, he can't harm me. 19 How can I say there is anything wrong with a man who could go that distance with me - I can't fault you - only I don't want it to be gone - "mad with wanting to continue" Howling, howling for you - oh come through to me. How do you answer that, large one?     I say it's over, stop pining. Love isn't what will help you now. You're in a time of learning. Does it have to be so dull?     it is not dull if you accept that it is over. The work isn't dull. Do you mean stop grieving     grieve as much as you do but don't hang onto it I feel cast off into outer loneliness     YES that's what you feel, that's your original mourning What, what, what?     complete it I'm waiting for Joyce, must I wait for Joyce?     no, work with love It is love that has gone away     no I feel so bad (crying)     no What is this, then?     it is merging: he feels bad So I must cut the cord?     yes Again and again     yes How must I work with love?     let it get better. The structure is shattering   Am I going cold turkey?     no you're in full addiction still What drug is it now     anxiety   What does it mean that my work in philosophy has no effect? (Crying.) The paper I wrote last summer was fine, the paper I wrote for Paul was fine. Nothing comes to me from them, nothing. The men are blocking you. They don't want you to rise. They are trying to starve you out. This is where I should be working, isn't it? No, wait with that, do the Work. The way I am already? Yes. Stay in the desert for now. 20 Waking grim in the dark of this summer that will not begin. The sky was open last night but this morning it is covered again. Since March there have been no two days in a row of sun. It is five o'clock of a morning in the middle of May and it is still winter. 21st We are driving up hills of sand. I had driven past a topsoil quarry. This sand is black. My father is driving the truck. I see a beach over there. Can we go swimming while he does what he has to do? I see big waves between rocks. He says yes. We are in the back digging through stuff to find our bathing suits. I find a wet bikini bottom. This must be it. I help my sister find hers. We are walking away toward the water. The men as if catch their breaths behind us. I'm thinking it's for two different reasons - her stately beauty in a long dress and my nakedness with just those little pants and a top. My father is sounding apologetic; he lets us be, hoping we'll outgrow it, he says. There's a steep slope down to the water. Planted with stubs of grapevines. We'll go down between the rows. There are workers. As we get closer to the water I meet a man with a dog on a long leash. The first dog is big and unusual but keeps its distance. Then I see there is another dog on a longer leash. This one is a bulldog. I don't like passing it. I skirt it. Then I look at the man - a thin unusual face with cheeks slightly collapsed in the bulldog way. A very particular face. Coming to the edge of the water I am really on an edge. I see the new moon crescent near the horizon and am saying to my sister, Look at the moon. Then feeling my insecurity. This edge of water I am standing in is so, so high above the other water down there. Water falls over edges, I know that. I am not feeling it slip but I put my hands into the water trying to get a purchase in case it does. The water gives no purchase. It is a thin shining mirror sheet flat around my feet. The moon is at the level of this water. I am coming to a small office where they sell things having to do with a woman writer, someone like Virginia Woolf. Even the man dug into the sidewalk doing roadwork is trading in things having to do with her. I have a book in my hand and want something about chapter IX. The woman at the wicket gets me an early edition - is that what it is? - to look at. I'm looking for a particular passage where she writes about ------. Leafing through the book the woman gave me. Beautiful pictures. A farmland scene. Red-brown. Cathedral stones. Vivid, detailed. Is this a book that tries to show how she saw? Is it a book about her, or one of her books? They say I can email passages to myself. But these images won't transmit, I say. What's my father's business? To improve our fortunes. He doesn't approve our sexuality but we know he should. He's conforming to the other men. It means we have to go to the waves without him. We're beauty and nakedness. The new moon tells us what phase we are in. My water is at too high a level. The man in this water is a loner. His animal is two kinds of unpleasant. Tom's sexuality - bulldog and exotic. My sexual feeling for him was at too high a level - very insecure. I could only sustain it in writing. That sensation of scrabbling at the water for a purchase. If the father were sympathetic to our beauty and nakedness there would be a better man. I should realize Tom's sexuality is not good for me. No matter what? No, there is a better sexuality in him. Scrabbling at the water is what I am doing these days. I'm at a place where I'm being informed of my creativity. There is roadwork being done. I have a story in mind and I want to see another version of it. Nine means it's ready. Vividness and detail. Email means getting it into the personal. It's in the brain but I can't get it into ego. It will be lost in transmission. That is the state of the art. What's the story about? Withdrawal. The images are like dream creativity which can't be transmitted. Are picture-book dreams about dreaming? Among other things. They're about creation. Constructing a father who'll take us to the water. Do you want me to be a writer?     Wanting to make him a writer is wanting to be a writer?     I wrote as a human wife. I said be careful coming through the gnashing rocks, because the sirens are deadly. I did not say tie yourself to the mast. I said fight well. I love you lots. Come home safe. I said I am not saying I will wait for you, because I have things to do, but I am fending off the suitors indefinitely, for my own reasons. I don't want them. When I read about seal woman I wonder if it is a mistake to ask him to be a human man. I loved his wildness. If he wants to live washed in currents that never come back to the same shape twice, if he wants to be dissolved where no one can find him, why should I call him to land? Why should a man with his wild eyes be sane? Because this: because when I met him his eyes were hurt not wild, and they became beautiful wild eyes because I met him kindly. Because the man behind him asked me to ask it. Because he is living in a misunderstanding. Because he is running from pain and shame and fear. Are those the main reasons? NO it says - because he hurt you, he betrayed you. Yes that's why I want him sane. But I meant if he's not with me, is there any reason he should be sane? Yes, he's irresponsible. So the question is, what part of me wants to let him slip back into the sea? Unlove, unbelief. But it's a feeling too for the beauty of the sea. No, it's a dishonest beauty: hold out for honest beauty. He isn't a seal, he's a drunk. I don't know whether I did right with that letter but I was not satisfied to have him feel himself abandoned. Though I did right to set my terms. Tonight I feel a kind of security: it's up to him. If he is a good man for me he will come through. If not, not. Hello     I want to talk about the misery Please     it is about the waiting Does that mean there is a remedy     patriarchy, lameness, obsession, change These are what make me miserable     YES There is a remedy to those?     compete with them Compete with them in the world?     What do I have to do     stop vain regret It's a way of trying to hang onto something     no it's a way of trying to process The processing is necessary     no What was Trudy in my dream     the woman husband They are both woman husband?     Do you mean lesbian     no Do you mean a particular kind of woman     Women with a particular relation to love woman     They want to be men because of patriarchy     They refuse to be women     YES I am cleaning up after that in myself?     should   Anything else you want to talk about     what's coming Okay     more indecision In relation to Tom?     How so     conflict Between what and what     vain regret and desire for completion Do you want to advise me in that process     notice illusion, notice what gives you strength, notice what makes you wise Am I still supposed to bring love woman through this time without becoming her     Is that letter in her defense     Can I talk to real self     talk as real self Real self is never in pain     YES Okay I've been vacillating     Is it illusion when I think of him as Odysseus     not in thinking of his wanting to do it, but in thinking he can He doesn't show signs of wanting it     he does of wanting it but not of being able I have to truly give up on him     NO Then what     love woman What?     wait Love woman should wait for him     YES Knowing it could be years or never     I should support her in doing that     YES What is she waiting for     waiting for him to persist Love woman are you there? What do you think?     rather have someone else Wait for him and hold my conditions     I like that     YES Should I tell him     Then I'm held to it     YES This is a paradox?     YES Giving him conditions I know he is incapable of meeting     Isn't this in danger of being fantasy cop-out?     not if you accept losses Celibacy, loneliness     You want me to vow faithfulness for the rest of my life?     no until the structure comes through This is what the fairytales say must be done     YES I vacillate trying to avoid the contradiction     Do you want to say more about this     no It's joyful     no If it's joyful it's an illusion?     What's the illusion     that you'll persist The illusion is that he'll come through     YES He won't?     might What is the cost to me if he doesn't     your power Sexual power?     you'll be excluded from it Then what should be my attitude     conflict 22 Rowen's birthday. It's raining on the coast. I have the first of the dames' rocket in my house. I woke last night after a few hours of sleep struggling to bring back something out of a dream that seemed to be a list of explanation and instruction. It was a sensation like wrestling in my head, I couldn't get hold of even a single phrase. It was the instructions for the whole of the work I'm doing. I couldn't grasp them because this I is incompletely decided about its hiding, it says. Why is it incompletely decided? Because it isn't ashamed enough of lying. Ego is still saying it doesn't want to compete. It says that in order to compete secretly? Yes. It thinks it won't be able to make a living if it comes out of hiding. Can it make a living? Something else can. 23rd I wake not wanting to be awake on another day with no hope of his smell. No sun. 29th Today it's as if I've given up     because of betrayal As if I don't care about him any more     YES end of conflict Yesterday was the pain of giving up     YES Please comment     it's processing One of the stations you mean     I feel I could phone him and say let's just be friends     it's childhood That was my compromise with my mum     YES Okay now you talk     look at the structure of waiting The way I'm still waiting     What aspect     anger, heartbreak How I deal with them     I'm doing the right thing     no, strength Believing myself strong?     YES What's the truth     betrayal This story I'm telling myself is leaving that out     YES He betrayed me     his betrayal is not important but *his is I'm saying, I'm strong, everything's okay     YES What should I do instead     be honest Stay in pain all the time     no, in childhood time. And be honest about him What is that gnawing feeling     the edge of something Honest about him is saying he's not worth it     This is quite a fine sorting process     If betrayal were included properly what form would it take     loss A sense of the loss of myself     YES the way loss of them is a loss of yourself Pain?     no An understanding     no, justice I'd want justice for the child     I'd know what was taken from her     YES And I'd want to give it back     YES False strength says I don't need anything     YES Shall I ask what was taken away from her     that list of things I was nailed to the cross when I was two     YES Can there be restitution     YES Do you want to add anything to that list     temperance Else?     recognition of loss Touch, utter love, sexual depth, excitement, hope, true security, engagement, attachment, emotional accuracy, confidence, best use of talent, self defense, plans, money, sexual confidence. Can I get all those things back?     I should notice that I try to get them back     Please comment     process around these Okay now I want to talk about Tom     synthesize See what he has to do with these losses?     He gave me back quite a few of them     NO seemed to Used these lacks     YES These are all things I should have in myself     But I don't     FIGHT Where is real restitution     it's structural Is there a direct way     no it has to be this slow 30 Hello     I want to talk about finishing Instruction?     let young energy organize coming through loss Energy of before the catastrophe     Am I getting close     YES I shouldn't immediately take it to a fantasy about him     It's because that's the closest I get to young energy     YES   Is it true this pain is instead of something     YES Will you give me a hint     instead of temperance Self-connection     YES He was a tissue of lies from the beginning     YES Please comment     he is childish I should remember him as a liar     YES How should I be about a liar     responsible He is not a good man     I am well rid of him     NO Why?     to give you practice with lies What's the correct relation to a lie     on the spot generosity How so     see it as exclusion See him excluding himself     YES I want to know whether he has damaged me in a lasting way, has he     YES Will you tell me in what way he damaged     your responsibility in his recovery He damaged my ability to help him     YES That's real damage     YES His lies did, because they engaged my weakness     By confusing me     YES Can you tell me what was his true relation to me     YES, lying to you Can you tell me what was his true feeling of me     that he would lose you What is my best relation to him now     skill What is his best relation to me now     recovery Meantime what about this doldrums time in my life     it's a gain Explain     the work Tolerating this emptiness is part of it     Should I be patient and faithful in the dreariness     no, persistent Persistent in relation to - ?     happiness Long for happiness     no work for happiness, turn withdrawal and loss into responsibility by means of anger Find it and give it     YES I take the bus up the mountain and spend the day in the stacks. I come home. It has been worse than this but this is bad. The passive drag up Hastings on the bus. I fall into misery I know by heart. What is this really. Tears. I built him into the shapes of my nerves and as the net dies back - the net I made ready - the fibres hurt, the dying fibres hurt. I was foolish to build so well. I was building for keeps because you said so. I am a dying nest. It says: you are not a dying nest. He is a man who needed you to lie to. Your right relation to a lie is to see that he is violating himself. Be skillful not painful. Oh but oh his arms, his hands, his mouth, his eyes, his heat, his voice, his talk, his quick feeling. His secret truth whatever it is. Oh his fear and his hope. He is not worth more than anyone else. Why do I cry when I say that. Did I hurt my own feelings? Okay I take it back. 31st How're you doing? It says you're in crisis. Maybe you know I was right. Maybe you like it that I defended Mathew. You don't want to give up your flight, what you can feel for men in bars, hero you can talk yourself into. So dull and lonely without it. All your friends are drinkers. But Mathew. But a woman who puts her hand on your heart. But someone in you. I love you a lot. Did you feel that? It's 7:30. 1st June A subtle drugging I use the image of the man for. Now what? Stop lying it says. If he isn't your drug he can't withhold. I developed him as my drug by writing him up. I developed a defense against the power I give him, by writing him down. Now what?     deal with betrayal. That's what got you started on drugs. Is there a way to tell whether a state is real?     yes if it's a struggle, if it's held with difficulty Do you mean for now     There's always a worry about whether real life is only grim, please tell me about real life     it's struggle What is its value     coming through Is there happiness in real life     What is its happiness     its happiness is to find that loss and withdrawal make brilliance and courage Do you mean in anyone     Will I understand that later       Then the gnawing begins. Tell me about the gnawing     it wants the drug Tell me what to do with it     don't control it Tell me what to do when it comes     persist What else     notice your lies, your wish for lies Please talk to me     you're close to completion When I start to imagine him that's always the drug     YES After so much, such months of, years of, whatever this exercise is, is there anything I can say simply. I don't know what the string/cards/Joyce/Pierrakos work is. I don't know whether it is work. It is as if it has been directing me toward some risk of act that I have evaded and not evaded and that is coming soon. I have been willing. I have often gone beyond what I understand, in my consent. I've endured hours of deep pain and months of dull suspension and I've done it in faith that I'm participating in a process that makes sense and is an expression of life making sense. The process has not been proving itself practically the way the garden work did - I am not gaining in money, good looks, health, fame, ease, action, pleasure, humor, power, freedom, sex, friendship, adventure, community, visible creation of beauty. In all of those I have less than I had five years ago. Why have I given myself to confinement? What am I trusting? Will this time soon be over? I am taking instructions from something other than what I can feel to be the center of myself. What is it? I'm on the edge of tears as I say this. Such a long endurance of privation. Will it ever be over. 2nd Please talk to me     this is a crisis I've seen this before, what's crucial in it     reversal Something is being reversed     could be Will you explain what     unconsciousness That I was unconscious of how much I wanted him to want me     YES And am I conscious of it now     NO It's a structure - he could see I had it     What should I be asking     how to reverse it How     by anger At him     no at them This is the real structure of my relation to him     YES How will anger fix it     you will miss them Missing them is the unconscious structure     Missing them lies behind anger     honesty in relation to love woman will bring you through to love Love woman is dishonest     YES About who she loves     Something else     toward you She lies to me     YES Tells me she loves people she doesn't     YES - decide to come through disillusion and defeat She is disillusionment and defeat     YES What is love woman's central lie     that she isn't withdrawn Her lie is just unconsciousness    I still don't understand the relation of wanting to be wanted and missing them, please explain what isn't clear     responsibility I don't understand because I'm not being responsible     YES In my unconscious there is a standing structure saying, I want you     not standing but easily evoked I want you, I miss you, I long for you     While my conscious attitude is saying, I'm independent     When he says those things what happens in me     you feel loved Please explain     it is like merging He and my unconscious are in agreement     Did he see my unconscious     The love in it     no the despair He felt a predator's interest     no What was his interest     anger He was interested in the anger     YES Because of the anger in him     YES 3rd Walking from room to room distraught like a child I really miss you I really really really really miss you - Yesterday in the afternoon when I was falling asleep a loud ship's horn startled me. Just afterward I saw a circle which was as if drawn as light against grey, and inside it a lattice of perfectly spaced dots. It was as if a figure induced by activation from auditory cortex into visual association cortex - or something. - At Phil's last night - how was I. The way I am socially these days. Used to be I suffered. Now these occasions are careless - I float - the way other people do - without hope or fear. I let myself go into the current of all who are present, you and you and you and you and you, but I don't see into anyone, not even for a second. I tell stories and ask questions and present myself to be evaluated. I'm mildly daring, probably. I have standing enough, know to establish it. But oh, but oh. All I want is to be back with you in the Golden West, walking into your room, walking into the lobby where you'll put your glasses down when you see me against the doors. Why wasn't it true - Tom - Why were you telling me lies I can fly if you want me If you don't I crash - so far - I can't endure it when you don't want me Why don't you - why don't you I have so much for you   Spilling tears with this old song.   Is the way I am socially wrong     YES I'm not seeing into people     YES I'm detached     YES Automatic     YES Why     coasting Is there something to be discovered in that evening     YES your anger It's anger that makes me careless     YES Anger at my parents     YES Anger that I have no one     YES Unfelt anger     YES How would I be if it were dealt with     more intelligent It's anger that says, none of you are anything to do with me     Will you advise me about social events like that     they are a crisis - I was having a basic smoothie at Circling Dawn, reading, when one guy pounded another guy and knocked him onto my bike, which went over, with another one, under the guy who was now being pounded again where he'd fallen onto the pavement. What are you doin' man! The blackhaired young man with a ponytail no shirt and work-out shoulders struts away looking back. The way he pounded the blond man reminded me of Tom; the way he walked away. The blond man when he staggered up looked too strung out to defend himself - he looked like a life of neglect and insufficiency. When I tried to ride my bike away later I found the chain wedged. I was there with the bike upside down on the sidewalk, hands covered with grease. Couldn't get it loose. Wiped my hands on grass at the base of a tree. I'll walk as far as the bike store. I see I'm walking behind the wide shoulders, now in a tee-shirt, of the guy who punched out the blond man. "Hey man" - that's what to say, right? - "hey man, excuse me, when you knocked that guy over ..." He's quick, he's friendly. He's down on the sidewalk pulling at the chain. "My bike used to do this all the time." The chain is wedged hard, he can't move it. The blond young woman he's with is holding the chain, getting her hands dirty. Smart. Figuring it out. She goes to look for a tool. "I don't usually do that, I'm not like that," he says. The young woman comes back with a screwdriver from the junk store. She has a low ungirlish voice. She's tall and carries herself laconically. The screwdriver isn't working. I'm holding up the bike, he's sitting on the sidewalk leaning into it. He has long green eyes. The girl goes across the street to try for a wrench. She comes back. No wrench. "I'm going to put in the laundry," she says. Goes off with the sports bag. My muscle guy pries the screwdriver under the chain and it comes loose. He sets the chain, spins the wheel. It's good. "You should try it, make sure it's okay," he says. "It's okay," I say. I want to smile into his eyes. This was good. He wasn't Tom but I knew him. 4th I had hopes. Walked out her door angry. [Joyce] I wasn't understanding. She thought she'd said what she could but I was baffled. She said, Go away and think about what you'd have to give up. You'd have to give up being right. That wasn't deep grief. She said that because when I'd cried I was still saying to my mother that I want her to die. I don't know what the answer is supposed to be. When I'd started to be angry at her I got dizzy. She said breathe into where you feel it. Nothing happened. I heard the stupid music she had on in the corridor. She said Tom does want me but he's afraid of me. He's afraid I fell for his image, he thought I couldn't love the real him because there's a hole in him. I can see that I won't be able to do better with him until I am right in relation to myself in this way that I am not. I have to leave him be and do my own work. But I don't see how I am going to get there, though I want to. She also said, You want her to die and you are trying to hold onto her by arguing with her. You're divided. There's a structure I'm not connected to yet     real grief What does real grief say     "there is no help for me" Joyce thinks I'm not really trying     no she thinks you're stuck I'm baffled     YES I have to get to real grief     I don't know how to get there     Joyce can't help me now     YES Being right is the structure that keeps me from real grief     What is it that's real about real grief     it doesn't lie What is Joyce thinking I should do     merge with your mother: not merge with her, but risk it I'm defending myself against a part of myself     Ego is     YES Which part     unconscious part Love for my mother     I am most afraid of reconciliation     My love for my mother is grief     no, leads to I sometimes got into it with Louie     The unconscious part is a love like I felt for Tom     A powerful love     And grief at betrayal     And terror of abandonment     If I merged with them what would I be     processing And anger at betrayal     no anger belongs to ego I want my mother to die means I want my child self to die     There's something you want me to notice     the way you are unconscious with Louie Unconscious of jealousy, anger, desire, something else?     winning, lying It's a sensation of staying on top     I'm like that with Tom     no, but revert to it It's like a will     YES Is that what you mean by inner patriarchy     YES Is this what I'm supposed to be talking about     Is it something I can give up     There's something I'm afraid of     YES If I weren't winning what would I be     temperance I'm not like that with you     Or Joyce     YES But I'm like that with my mother     YES And Louie     If I weren't right, what would I be     improving It's that habit Joyce wants me to notice     YES If I notice it in myself I'll notice it in other people     YES   There's something you want to go on to?     writing - a crisis Journal writing     all writing Because it participates in that structure of being right against my mother     YES Okay, what?     you say You want me to stop writing     Stop academic writing     Stop working with you     Academic writing is how I make my living     What     go on welfare Do you mean forever     YES And then what     temperance: process Drop out of the doctorate     YES Are you serious     YES Is that what's required     no Do you want to say more     no What would I be if I did this     finished Should I just kill myself     YES Are you speaking to a particular I     Which?     the strong I Somebody else will do the doctorate     Who?     a better writer   This sets me back on my heels     YES What should I do next     feel the conflict What it really means to stop winning against my mother     Is it simple     YES Something would flood me     no Then what     strength would depart What would I be if strength departed     abandoned I have the strength instead of my mother     Is this the core of everything     I would feel entirely helpless     uncontrolled Would that be a dangerous passage     Please say something     you're in conflict I want to come through, I don't want to die     Should I leave it for now     okay Help!     I will 6 Hello     understanding how to get better Go on     how to complete it - complete the crisis in your structure of illusion Will you tell me how     unconscious structure of abandonment that struggles against your mother. Drugging controls loss by making it unconscious. Loss will become conscious when I stop drugging     Go on     unconsciousness can become consciousness How     by taking responsibility for lies and drugs used by literate *mine The main lie is I'm on top     It's an inner holding     YES I have to release the intention to win     It is in everything I write     Not everything!     no, everything Whenever it turns on I know unconscious structure is activated     YES If I don't have to win I'll be freer     YES Does all the journal writing have it     A sense that I'm winning     Always over her     no, the threat What I write about has a threat in it     That I win over by writing it     Is love fantasy related to this defense     Are they part of the same structure     YES Love fantasy is a drug     Winning is a drug     Drugs are means of lying     Lying is separation from body and circumstance     Separation from body and circumstance is loss of intelligence     Separation is because of pain     If I stop winning will love fantasy stop     no, work on them separately 7 Alanis goes to sleep and Louie and Steve fuck all night on her fortieth birthday. After the chocolate cake. She wants to tell me about it. Love woman's confidence, as if she has been doing that all her life. What if she keeps wanting it and can't get it, she says. That girl is traveling in my wake, she's letting me go first on the hard things, moaning all the way and scooping up what privilege gets her in sites she didn't have the guts to crack on her own. Why aren't I bitter. I'm not. There's something I am glad to be though Louie has architect tail and a book cover and writing that moves as light as steam and a body exquisite inch by inch. And Ellie is in a lull still talking to Tom Fendler away away somewhere. She says, What is your condition. He says I won't say. She says, It's a test? Yes. She gets it. Your condition is that you can't fool me. I'm working on it. Do you know my condition? Yes he says. Do I? No. I get it: it's that I want a fight. He says he's angry that I shamed him. I say, Come on, you did that. Really his reservation is that he enjoys his life as it is and thinks I'm not fun. It's a tough conversation. We agree it can go either way. Hello     graduate Something still to be done     undo your valor Something I can be doing now     honesty Honesty of feeling     Mainly in relation to my parents     other people too No bravado in relation to anyone       part 2 the golden west volume 6: 1996 april-july work & days: a lifetime journal project