| up north 2 part 1 - 1979 february-april | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
bus - black slot bus sound light the trees' pretty bodies, headlights' abrupt wipe, head along the glass, casseopia upright and low, dark an' bright, I was nearly asleep, thoughts had been dry struggle, but sleeping was soft, then the sense of sequence sweeping through me at the rate of travel, slot, woke having been happy in a way I'd wanted all day beaverlodge café strain as if holding onto myself was too unlikely, watching the hong kong people the beautiful pregnant young woman, calculating machine, confident, her spectacled thin husband in his little grey sleeveless sweater, she reads off a number he repeats it grandmother sitting at the round table acute pain I'm leaning my head on the wall and find the vibrations comforting edmonton cold ugly city dark, unable to figure out avenues and streets as if blanked, lost, without the underlogic of direction standing on corners with suitcase and mailbag marveling that I couldn't figure it out other arrivals: edmonton, the beautiful trees dressed out in frost like early leaf, making the many gestures clear, one after the other 2 [In Edmonton I go to U of A to find my old friend Don from Queen's, ask to sit in on a class.] candlemas
krista jumped into niagara falls [Krista Maeots] [1968] - going down in the elevator, thinking to find him later: he gets in, recognize, think paler, make the look say you know me, he shouts and I'm hugging a big parka, the second moment dodges too close to see, the first a mix of acts, then work starts, the old labour with you carmichael talking fast figuring out how to handle it, I'm inconvenient and have caught you unarranged, have taken advantage and soon take more in class cramped into finding what to watch, what's the teacher trying, where's his attention, he's teaching, the curious layout things happening together, persons, talk about odd remote enlightenment, every reality, I'm feeling, too remote to bring anything to this funny time, she's interested in nature and emerson and he doesn't know what she dimly feels, the cross drives he's pushing in a way he didn't for a while he wants to teach ideas they're all there for different reasons I'm a student, also still testing t-c in myself, also wondering if he thinks I'm ugly, also bringing the country thoughts to these, also imagining a ruckus, and doing all of these in strain trying to find myself there as well as something about what it is tired, got in and mixed so I'd have to be without analysis and be foolish first moment of her, I see what exquisite is, and also the work and discomfort that makes it that, ear hoops high boots light-colored knit, the hesitation before she kisses him, (but my butch is uncomfortable) the house different from what I saw a baby who might not be right some beautiful children do something for a while to let them alone, and me too, then at supper it suddenly gets easy (she makes it, I realize when she says she's interested in what 40 year old women do, that she's like mary, dilated eyes and soft mouth, it means sexy) she's wearing something to cover for her caesarian I was feeling the comfort and olivia struggle order and its price, his older forehead talking knowing out of my solitude I could say things they'd recognize and like and yet feeling the performance of myself as a fluctuating lie little taste of misgiving how it got harder all the faces I saw and liked to see 'now I don't want to die' 'I prefer what I got to the logical alternatives' 3
mailed angry letter it's an unnecessary suffering - [visit to Leschek and Maritka, whom I knew in Kingston in my last year there] he lives in her her life shining in the objects and plants put together in such a way that anyone else's touch would displace them she stayed in the kitchen, wasting our time washing things one at a time and then drying and putting away. uncomfortable, even with the slides talking much too much explaining anxiously what was obvious to me, keeping me out 'chinese silk is like nothing else is very dellicat' the drawing in her room, the polish linosyn [linocut] cut small and with the logic of frost places in the air opening so insects could develop in them subleem she said the length and cut of the creatures plant insect angel woodgrain things sublimating upward by lightness yes when I went home in the taxi my eyes still marveled and the taxi driver made his tip appeal on it (I counted out an exact 10%) what to think about her slides and how they looked like mine we were both there in the country she said her large views were the view of the stranger and she made herself at home in lovely detail lit frost at windows eyes' heaven opening everywhere now they're landed people leschek's horrible gallantry, he felt how he couldn't interest me and horribly grabbed my wrist to take me to his room, my instinct made me turn my back he was in the kitchen begging her for kisses her tone at the table and we understood the situation with our eyes, she was in flight 'I like people who don't show everything they are, we saw the amish people and the men attracted me very much' her deli cat jaw she's padding it from underneath it was less that when she was 19 he wanted me to see them then, he's sheltered in her love is when you want the other to be well he refugeed in the woman who wanted to be civilized, and he's impressive, pink and silver with fine eyes, but alone with her and she wants they're like memory identity, 4
and requested and was again the strange child and the stiff people kept it going, I performed the charming dessert and then it was time to go home and carmichael was gallant and I was angry and felt that door closed the beautiful children with their own civilized discomforts she, I watch her swimming eyes and big soft mouth, take notice of profile without hair curtains, furious again to see how the good catch was caught by white dress suede boots sweet gestures and it's making a solid life cuts a family shrink the way he's a father like you want to be, the children clinging, beautiful daughter curled on his lap helping her an exquisite lady together they get through lonely efforts with them I feel the naked person and why he's working so hard? what happened that night 'I didn't like not wanting to make love' said in my presence to make me imagine my slips 'the baby's downstairs in the refrigerator' 'don't do that' he said - [letter] You - Here's another moment I don't know how to anchor in, will you hold onto it for me. Sharp longing, I bring you into conversations, 'my friend,' and these friends know what it's for. Odd raw strenuous meetings loneliness makes and measures. Carmichael is still lovely. Eyes and hair faded some, still pedantic on top of somebody still not found just right, but built into a beautiful family. We had a very jumbled meeting. I went to his Political Theory 310 class, watched the hits and misses and extraordinary confusion of purposes and presences. Marytka and Leschek, two Poles, middle 40's, professors, geography and art, the loneliness making them both wildly inaccurate toward me. She had some tiny linocuts made by a Polish man, her friend, before he died. They moved me so much. Something human as perfectly made as what frost does, I wanted to show you. 5 look for occultation of aldebaron 7 or 8
[I take a job as replacement cook's assistant on an oilrig in southern Alberta] can gather: bus bull catering cold to set down the trivial is what takes energy, the other sings itself in a truck silent with a man I could disappear, snow and white sky, the snow currents running down the road, going up like flame behind a truck, toward the unknown possible job, I ask him facts, when he speaks up don't listen even grey road, some hills, the moment when I turn my head sharp to check whether it is real white field to sky without a division, sensation of blindness, I'm worried about eyes again because of evening blur since the twig looking at faces, was all day from a forward position acting the new job, 'learning', it is bad, doing dishes spreading butter on bread saying how brave and free I am to be willing to lose loosen identity like this whose 'loosen'? stare at it whose his - who 6 the one who strategies, in the shower her face was on me, the drudge I'll work my way up, I'll be efficient, I'll find ways to work every day, I'll have a separate i.d., outside the room's a bush engine all the time day and night tractor (little yellow engine alone in its one-room house, as if the tractor was removed from around it, amputated)
took to j uh uh UH and now here's a room often in the day marveling at this new dream invisible room, what I saw was very small desk window with familiar bush outside blue ice cream pail around light bed grey blanket door closes like refrigerator 7 falling asleep the dream was I'd led holly helen out laughing - a feel of a place - which
who was today with her noticing her, it's a blank efficiency, works well without a plan, is a right mother when men come in, boys red cheeks tousle hair seeing neutral people neutrally without interest don't listen wanting to invent the best way to do anything getting tired, wanting to sit ice wind able to stride on blacktop the hills flat curves with a different stubble a dark brown weed in yellow, concentrated at edges, white, sky slightly yellower, no shadows close white space I haven't seen any distance yet am stern with food in the noon break unpacked the writing and could imagine work, said I was happy the tv and radio all day and even now a bad tape thought love toward c
8 today was solider already I know everything anticipate the routine start to organize the operation egotised with geologist who disappointed me, don't want to like but grabbed a chance to be identity schools and vocabulary shale and opinions lost the dreams, water, my friend, running card games: they watch time
9 timed it to the body, imagine resisting and so having something apart, sleeping 'til 11:30 doing yoga yawning going back to sleep and waking to turn on the light at 5 and having time to come back to improbable easy to work, morning, energy, could sing and dance, make right moves the body under me is less metaphysical although I try to keep it there cutting food, textures watched by women, enjoying her efficiency, the roast's grain right or wrong, work companions begin to exist and let me at supper when two young men flashed looks at the foot, made cripple and imagining old times unloved forever, and j she and he were people like this, catastrophe
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daily striving is from love and need among all the states of motion there is none that compared with others can be called a state of rest mass of a body becomes infinitely great when it reaches the velocity of light 10 first a good dream, then cold, head under, light the dream was places I liked, when I opened my eyes I could see yellow, pink, blankets with light on them, was already labouring but that was fine, cold up fast to dining room still dark, could make the tables orderly and write down the dream it was long times resting morning sleepiness penthouse mag wakened, I studied it, a nice story, not the story but the girl, who touched an old man with her eyes steady he got revenge
something I didn't understand, I made a wild play and went away imagining a stoned conscience seeing any phoniness dancing in the kitchen they're opaque to me eroticism seized up 11 'women spend a lot of time nagging me' 'that's because they have to wait so long for a companion' had chased him up a bank, told him I knew he'd been a brilliant child nobody'd seen once again trying to thrash through days are faster today felt sunday
found j and her on tape I was telling her newton, in love, cutting her off the death that attends vain pursuit of beauty
trapese women juggler man want all bodies to be like that
only his father, now in his eighties, loyally came to every lecture and must be incomprehensible as to darkness -
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past events active - what's a person are there other people are other people like - 12 imagined writing that love story 'repetition, contrast, calculated reversal and counterpoint' inner structure intense raunch, is it the young bodies, couldn't find it till I could be with my friends given the way I want safety, food cliff the engineer little bright blue eyes walk in small steps like a diapered lincoln continental drives to the grocery store in it, it was a lot of years coming
body stretches dances exaggerates itself poses / wondered if it means (dropped things, clatter?)
14 photograph went on for 24 seconds from j's face, she was famous, I was in the background bent over from the waist showing fat and thin leg in short red dress (stratford shift) to old women's faces, watching me I walked out of the high station, seen from far above, swinging girl, threw up my arms and jumped, turned sideways through a gate come into a room with grey blankets yellow floor window dark, nightime rooms, make beds, not curious guilty about being here as if it's wronging them, the waterman said 'what were we talking about yesterday, not being able to go straight to the point' I don't understand these connections made without liking, it must be by resemblance to something body's known, this time greg reading two mayfairs the charge's intense, I imagine it's in the place
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afternoon transcribed story of joe olson, v ordinary story of feared senility reading stein in the end of the book by reading aloud got to concentration she liked resist her don't know why to want anything detail attention, a trick to learn, impressive, but why (if not religion) 16
[letter] Dear silence, Meals are good in the sanitarium. Dorothy the cook seemed a thick grey solid but I began to love her for the good organization of her work, sensibily, without saying good morning or good night. With the red-cheeked young men the unspoken has slightly more danger. When the old men come into camp I go to my room, not liking to let them read my eyes. The weather has been the same for months, an acid on the face and hands when I go out, at noon, to throw diesel fuel on the fire. Sunrise is after breakfast, a bright place in the white above white, a candle. Whenever artists are on television I cry, my throat swells. Marie-Claire Blais was there with Mary Miegs, who called her a genius and lives with her in a farmhouse. It's not for their work, only for the way they live. I am fine looking again in the men's washroom mirrors. This is the time of year called north-east in the I Ching. Edmonton's extraordinary night, beautiful 2-headlight movements each in its moving white cloud, and the turning masses of white rising out of the three tall white chimneys next to the river. The happiness of the Y. Slept in a high-up top bunk of a 10 bed dorm, worked in the sewing room, wrote you angrily in the TV room. From now on it's c/o Bull Catering, 14430A 118th Ave, Edmonton. I made a list of all the employers to phone, put a star beside Bull because of its name. It was the only company with vacancies and liked my education. I'm second cook. 17
physical roar like to slam doors 18
quietly listening
19 makin' beds carefully, mopping the rooms, sweeping gladly the time between her goin' to telephone and coming back saying this time's over tomorrow good work on natalie granger piece after lunch lying down and what happened after that when I was writing it, it felt weird gathering, I had to pay attention to keep up with it and still don't know what it means but it's a story about being a camp attendant, loneliness, making love to a plant and the odd way a book opened very occult after writing it while I watched television and thought something danger was startled to hear danger come out of the television like an echo crazier, the writing as I made it in london is exact supple multiple, skilled a skilled something made it not being able to listen to colin's stories or dorothy's, why, athough I can't stand the pain and weakness in colin, I think I like dorothy and like to look at her, but couldn't listen to stories of getting mad at the neighbour woman and ran when she tells them to the young one I like to hear tonight because he and I are going the two of them are in the kitchen baking late and I was dancing barefoot for them making the evening beds thinking how the skill in the writing could be the life chosen and writing what happens - experimenting induction coil sensation released when I push down, less muscular still feel it, picturing a current as I imagined it concentric blue-white moving forward and back, could still feel it thought of this as a form of love-making to creatures with the double sex, something in and out of its body cavity two, licking make the part that comes out flexible, could wrap like a tongue seaweed the two moving with tongue's little adhesion it would be softer, not structured to poke into something unwilling from the bellies, where belly button is babies would come out of the belly button it could be done more easily standing up rubbing in circles on the outside felt myself in soft thought watching it where to watch, the sensation is too fast to watch exactly flicker I have to make a slow movement too, see a yellow polleny tendril it's going into a flower, uncurls into it, only see the tiny feeler pulling minutely against the grain as minute a pull as tongue magnified tiny structure the pull sharpens me immediately each pull also watching the field floor concentrate watch and feel for how it'll break there's a point that'll be tripped it's going, but it's missed the spot it's going wrongly without enough trust but no, it's like this gold specks, pollen, tiny, let go all through the dark parts over the head's hood motes still shimmering the words for this part after I had to find my room kingston lying on the blue bed, can see the blue rug open window, feel into the park autumn yellow feel myself in that room on the first morning looking down into the park beautiful place I'd won right home chest of drawers, mirror could I tell you so you'd see it you wouldn't I'd have to tell you detail (the time in the objects) you wouldn't understand the marvel at a place (not fragments, a whole place) walking with olivia on the pavement (tension I took in there footsteps running up the hall outside the door, blue bedspread can I see the stairs yes where to go back to my room here! 'for my father is the parson here at Bodo' 20 hills in the cab man and boy telling each other driving stories I'm thinking I should be interested but it's fine to watch the beautiful shapes of the hills they have a glimmer from stubble and particles black earth sky of soft blue in the morning then white then trees came they have different angularities from up north for a while ditch weeds and bits are beautiful voluptuous thinking of how they're what a painting is moving driving was good for thinking can't remember what that was a different life gerry gary? with his sweet white teeth making happiness around him the shock of not having anything from j, ('and I sing to you' 'throw away the yellow ones, bad memories') rereading daphne's unfocused letter three times, in the truck, tony's too, not right gary's story of his mom telling him when he was fifteen who his real father was, he went to see him, met him on the beach, 'I look just like his other kids except their hair's darker, we shot the shit for a while, then he had to go, because his wife was watching' 'did you like him?' 'he's what I always wanted to be, he's a mechanic. better than my dad, he's just an ol' drunk' calling her almost unconscious speaking boldly to the operator and just a simple ordinary person we talked dimly to hear the voices the obscure love without knowledge 21
and lovely don about 'we were just getting into the sack when I woke up' and when we were on two chairs next to the white table wondering why I was leaning forward and he back and then he suddenly came forward too, what was it color dream black and white eroticism having died 'not knowing whether it was that I'd already died or whether it was that I'd realized I was going to'
and oh satisfying letter floor in card catalogues not invisible - oddness edmonton not while busy telling myself to carmichael and looking at him or being straight with salespersons who liked me and cutting stupids or sitting on floor in library often let myself let go of the where 'you know how if you pay close attention to your impulses for a while you very quickly get very strong?' purgatory things coming right by candour in his office wrote at first big letters changed to another person for the message her, the white cardin shirt red jeans! yeah like that when I came into the office his too fast pounce and drive ellie! although he'd already seen never saw his crooked teeth before oddness in the y is it theirs turned saw her looking as if also knowing something black and white black/power/impulse he stopped and closed his eyes 'wait' 'where did you go?' at the library the woman who said 'when I talk to myself it's a bad sign' 'why's it a bad sign?' inserting and she didn't say but when I came up she looked at me with such a beautiful smile I was cautious and marveling in alice's for a different reason, very soon coming out with parallel botany that felt odd removed am I with you where your war scare the sense of removal I think is fear what's coming oh you sometimes my spirit feels like it's in danger because there's nobody here from my world, it's the little moralities we turn into each other - are there other persons - the assumptions behind a sentence - not trusting consciousness symbolism of inner connected to assumptions about physical universe the one consciousness facing the exterior world, depends on the minute consciousness in every cell gradations of thermal qualities absorbed in terms of sensation, not of light intimately familiar with the rapport between themselves and their environment 'speakers' vivid feeling and thought projection move from inner to outer easily know instinctively how to use symbolism highly creative on the unconscious level constantly forming psychic frameworks under normal consciousness that can be used both by themselves and others in dream and trance often come to others in the dream condition and help dreamers by forming images to be bridges and gateways into kinds of consciousness more separated from your own dream field trips ways to map inner reality in some levels of existence close to your own strong individual play in the creation of images: this takes place in an 'objective' definite environment with its own rules you wouldn't be able to see the pivot points about which action occurred most of the systems are somewhat connected with your own kinds of reality there are an infinite number of inner universes in this larger context the speakers must be called local
there are adjacent corridors the most protected areas of sleep information interpreted on return by other layers such a body consciousness and subconscious formed into dreams having meaning to those selves many artists, poets and musicians are speakers, translating one world in terms of another forming psychic structures that exist in both with great vitality often don't realize experiences of another realm are interpreted with values of home consciousness dreams multidimensional creations real in there's an intermediate between waking and sleep that receives, telepathy and clairvoyance sensations of large or falling, they refer to the area but in physical terms -
22 those girls - the woman in the dorm, talking on the phone to men, horrible, not minding a stranger could overhear the pathos wigs and makeup, both ugly 'maria you've always been a good friend to me, it's not your fault, I just wanted to find out if he wanted me, or if he wanted you, or if he wanted sex or what' during the second sleep in the truck saw my name in r's writing on an envelope
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the moment in the dark I went for the switch and pain almost unconscious down there crack dark explosion shouted grunt OOAH shit as if heard the knee sexsmith fall over - lying still on the floor listening several more times to the oh that came out unwatched is someone coming knees bent lying still invisible someone going into another door
24 in the dreams was with roy loving, luke was there
[Leo Lionni 1976 Parallel botany Knopf] -
- lying feeling ache in legs across forehead how to put space into that tightness breath bad music rock, on the other side of a wall badness is the man's pose and the willful screaming line could I like it? the junk rack I live in, does it have to be sorted or can I ? move wondering how to think of falseness t teaching to live in what's around not trying to build yourself in what you love burdened try it because someone who can live anywhere is so impressive -
all music a succession of impulses converging toward a definite point in repose a search for the centre on which the series of sounds involved in my understanding should converge topography what survives every change of system and melody grasp of an unknown already known artists at first philosophers alchemists magicians takes fright at himself and his destiny the dizzy infinitude the more constraints one imposes on oneself the more freedom teillard de chardin 'a guided case' law of guided complexities
a parallel is reconcretion of a normal at instant of its stop flow of time visible in organization ie flow through time
the other colors are invocations, invitations, questions these colors go toward the condition of night
the fragile system ephemeral modes from mistaken answers to meaningless questions replaced by timeless certainties of parallel condition inside of things a hypothesis unable to verify the meaning of every natural thing and unnatural visible limit of internal darkness not a shadow but a rainbow signs by specialized observation in deepest levels of memory
how a sentence can hold a geometry ie world meeting with less resistance in freer spaces body acted on by two forces 25 orange blood! realized bleeding by smell, battering eyes with wrong reading orpheus some kind of automatic translation but behind it, recognizing space between the moment hearing it speak to my phantom, referring to last year's phantom proud to have had spirit real experience and imagining I could write now and speaking to men not like a shamed being, am I imagining it's different I've spent my time having been a bricklayer, a roofer, instead of a professor or artist and now janitor (artist's model, anything far from -) and shrunk away from it building myself out of bits and now bewildered in a 'culture', the women's movement gave me a home and let my loves work and the only time now that they work are writing, pictures, with jam those special branches opening side pockets
[Rilke Sonnets to Orpheus trans Karl Siegler 1977 Talonbooks] - [letter to Jam] North of Fort St John Monday. In the rec hall wiping ashtrays peer out one of the small windows because isn't the light odd? Clouds have a strange definition and silvery color. It's today, but is it already over, someone yesterday said it was at seven, when it's still dark here. But go to get the camera because the clouds and the dark grey blue behind them are really strange. Wandering, the lens puts everything too far away, clouds are clumpy like the snow lumps on branches. I take pictures of the two kinds of clod, want to climb on the welding truck, metal bites my hand, go in for mittens and think to climb onto camp, a ladder at the end of one of the units. Go up one hand on the ladder other holding the camera. Up there it's like walking on a railway car nervous of not seeing a hole through deep snow. Above the trees, just above, even still among, from this height, where the sky's brightest, south-east, a sliver of brilliance through the cloud cover [sketch], the crescent sun, and excitement that it or I knew how to call me (and only me) for the exactly first visible instant of it. As I watch it becomes [sketch] a fatter crescent, changes slowly as if the sun's overtaking the moon only a little faster than the moon's speed. Around the sun the light's strong blue-white. At a little distance it's brown. Later on the clouds have lost their clear edges and are ordinary unmetallic things. You were with me. There's a woman singing on the television who looks like you. She's standing in a jungle, it's opera. I'm raging and crying. Reading stoopid Rilke
Very pretty.
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again dream of cancer two lumps left breast, told sara who wept: I wanted luke back
going in bruce [davis] and someone embarrassed I was open and fine bruce smiled at me in a way that scared me with joy, a woman (his)(soundscape woman) came out said you always set us right (not these words) in the first words, saw myself smiling happier than lessing, a young girl asked if I had any card with my signature it could send out ten soldiers, they were packing to leave fast for political reasons, seemed a self important student politics fever thought it came from previous occupants (peggy etc) and if I lived there I'd have to exorcise, cause lessing had covered that mode afternoon sleep to refuse her offer interest-intentness in diaphragm like leaning forward
what does this work and time have to do with university town, student politics, lessing (london and burghley road) 27
while they had a party next door and after talking to you I remembered how it is to be on your knee and let go it was more like being with you falling asleep a pleasing wander soft excursion I stopped as if throwing myself into the other hemisphere what is this was how I switched into hard then the new thought couldn't find the pleasuring one to read it 28 plant pink with white dust like winter melon she says it's 2.50 or I don't have brings an ugly smaller plant from the back its lick takes skin it will bite again if I let it at home I see it with a creature landed on it two things in glazed color red and yellow melted troll shape what world am I in - wake - alarm - symbolic - of? - will think about - reset alarm go to sleep
March 1 long light evening
[version of a passage found in a Gideon bible in a hotel room in Fort St John]
in the truck the beautiful woods poplar trunks brown of evening light such a fine light came from the ivory west between trees this time I could see the range of mountains 2 what traveling was like: morning in a hotel room orange from the bathroom, turn on a light, knowing where everything is in a strange place, sheets, gathering belongings, down the stairs a man where a woman was, I'm checking out, my company's taken care of it, on sidewalks in dark watching the ice, bus garage, come in behind counter, man holding an afghan for his wife, when the bus started, lying down body left, into narcotic dreaming, dawson creek striding eating an o henry nuts first a boy looked and stood in front how're you doin', greased hair with dandruff large eyes wide mouth what is this person sat beside me, visiting my dad's relatives, it leaves for grande prairie should I look expanse the green glass makes dead, I leave come back to tell myself it's a good leaving soft body can lie still in one position for hours I'm in travel thoughts late afternoon watch the wires with pleasure upper wire tight gold three lower are black they have a relation to a small could I make a movie and have the pleasure of bus turning so clouds swing away sun magnified on black sweater burgundy cord its movements felt in belly across aisle man upright in an ugly suit with a lip [sketch] looking at my crossed legs the moment going back to tell the men to turn off their music and finding myself looking into beautiful eyes, talking to stay in the interest of the gaze not scared [letter] Edmonton after Ft St John Travel dream that likes what it sees, began to feel the presence of the other bus space on my left. First I saw how in the reflected windshield two roads slipping toward and under, one of them six inches above the other and moving faster, black pavement and snowplowed lumpy white bank. The bus behind that windshield had everything as in our side, driver's profile, the spotlit woman, from a very slightly different angle. The sensation of a real space next to the one I was in sitting crosslegged, was very strong. I was at first scared of it, then made myself braver to see what I'd find, thought to try to project myself into the other wide with the quality of presence I could feel myself struggling to hold to, on 'this' side. I didn't dare or didn't know how, it was/is the fear of going through the looking glass, that invitation. The way the buses joined along a line, two leaves of a bus, more like two leaves of something, because the outside was part of the windshield. You don't know nighttime bus travel do you. It was symmetry. I've been studying it, I realize, for years, since London. The join of thing and reflection. Wondered what it was exactly making this side 'real', felt myself stuffing the driver, the chrome bar behind him, the back of the seat, with three-dimensionality, like pushing fullness into them by some undereffort. The next day twelve hours on the bus through white flat, behind green-tinted windows that seemed to make it dead outside. I slept, nearly all the way, would wake as we got into a town, feeling the body had easily stayed still to be transported but the experience had definitely left. Coming back trying to remember where it had been. During the night bus symmetry I think I was with you, I was saying to you: you're the other half of my thought. In Fort St John, the Frontier Hotel, hotel bedlamp on white sheets, carrousing on the street under, I opened the Gideon bible to Jerimiah and got
I liked what you said about not missing any steps now. Don't know just what it means, I want to know how to walk all the steps without looking at my feet all the time. I want Luke because I feel his spirit needs to be in touch with me to be able to be straight. Sometimes I grieve that I'm missing years of a life that was given to me to know, and that I'm the only person who knows who he was at the origin and can sometimes bring him to remember it or even just touch into it. I felt that a little, I realized, with Carmichael. And me. There was a numerology paperback here this afternoon. I looked up names. Elfreda, said the book, was the name of the oldest most skillful variety of soul (#33's), Ellie was a 7, like Diana, Trudy: artistic. Wondered whether Elfreda's the one I've been looking for, tried to feel into it. There's something in it. I gave her up in grade nine, took her in grade one. 3
le guin omni people looking at me in the cafeteria reading letters again the woman who smiled hideously because I saw her looking at me I held back from answering her and gave her a fright - [letter from Josie] Ellie - A grey Sunday am. I'm sitting in bed drinking coffee and reading. Now writing to you. Have found finally a quiet space of time to write. I've been working very hard and loving the work. Enclosed is a close-up of part of one of the breast pieces that Persimmon and I did. The exhibit is on at Women in Focus until the 1st of March. I wish you could see it. I think it's beautiful. A lot of primitive barbaric energy, using materials and colours I've always wanted to use but was never bold enough to risk until now: copper wire, rayon, rags, raffia (plastic, from Chinatown), clay, feathers, porcelain insulators, bathtub rust, string, hair, sisal, sticks, oil paint, yarrow stalks, gold varnish, etc. Almost all of the breast pieces have been sold which is too bad because I liked them and began to feel very attached to them. But we will eventually make more. Diana bought one of the pieces that are my breasts with yarrow so you will see that. And Moira bought one - also my breasts. Pink with gold paint. Very flagrant. I'm sending you also some snapshots of a woven paper piece I just finished. it's a deep blue-red with lavender and pink plastic raffia woven into it. It's very heavy and thick and involved a lot of hard physical labour which I enjoyed. Painting and crumpling and flattening the paper then taking the 9 ft long strands of crushed and flattened paper and weaving them together. But the work was exciting and psychically important. I had many dream and waking dream images of paper weavings while working on it. The piece is about 3 and a half by 3 and a half I guess. An attempt to deal with physical structure which I was struggling with in my paintings. This has made a big difference. I am learning about patience in a new way. The necessity of taking the time to plan and build up slowly the structure of a piece. My surfaces were interesting but the underpinnings were missing. Ellie I miss you. There is so much work I want to do. The kids exhaust me sometimes. I am putting a lot of energy in their direction right now. Mostly because I want to. And there are days when I see that in another two years a lot of the work I'm doing [next page lost] 4 'you are more hurt' said after convolving I couldn't follow sitting in the car listening carefully what's he saying I'm lonely mother says why don't you marry a nice young man and settle down why don't you take a lover after a hard evening realizing I can't be interested in her odd nakedness with her that she took in hand then, asking about camps and I answering her with pleasure he and religion, she and her family the baby speaking and violin music trying to speak to them out of everything already gone wrong out of control wildly trying to say this house doesn't like me because I don't want it to exist impotent impotent and making it worse every minute and why after how fine it was - [letter] Edmonton March 4 O my other. From the land of dwarves. What a little writing. Surprised me when the o came. It's Sunday in the Y cafeteria. I spoke to somebody just now and my voice came out hoarse! Surprising me. Could everything, yes. Today it would be alright. Here are all your letters. Yesterday Carmichael brought me the week's mail, Diana, Josie, Judy, Jane Downey from London and 5 from you. There's a dwarf at one of the tables who isn't afraid of my eyes, that changed something in this morning. It's March 4. These letters didn't have much Hong Kong in them. Are you hungry for French novels because you're recircling your university time, that's one of the few things you told me about it. Want to tell you. The magpies. Did you tell her why you were laughing? It is possible to find a way that doesn't kill. One life and the frightful unities it imposes. I liked you said midwife. I liked your nurse saying don't take birth control pills. What are birth controls. I do take my freedom you know. In every camp I'm aware that my body has found someone it likes, a blackhaired dwarf with clear eyes. And I let hunger try anything in its imagination and Carmichael and I don't pretend to have stopped fancying one another. But something has changed, I don't know if it's birth control or not, but all those small recognitions can seem complete as they are, I'm not as careless as I was when I used to take bodies into me experimentally. The [sketch triangle]'s come in series, at full moon and bleeding, which now coincides with dark moon. Estrus in 4-5 day bursts. Are you always hungry? Usually I don't remember what it's like with you. Once last week when I'd written you I remembered how dark opens up, it was as if you were there. On your knee letting go. That was 27th Thursday. Last week I was thinking about your freedom trying to feel how not to be afraid of even the most powerful witches getting you to love them, because of not wanting you to fade like Carmichael has faded. Would you still know me, yes, you would, and I would bear it. There might be times when it'd be deadly but we could be wise. What scares me in it is unacknowledged revenge, if it's not done to kill each other I don't think it would. A narrow track, good
O midwife I'm so sad. What is it. It was there from yesterday. Sick tension and crying. I went yesterday afternoon to my hospital. Back and forth in the corridors, it wasn't mine anymore, I couldn't find some of the parts, there was a long ward. I'm not coherent to tell you. a room with windows toward the steam laundry, a lonely child in bed with a breakfast tray, hardboiled eggs and buns, looking down on steam above snow roots. 4 other beds, polio girls, the others couldn't walk. I was up and down the corridor in crutches looking into private rooms, a ten year old in too-small dresses and a cast. Not able to be easy friends except with the Jamaican ward-aid, the man who washed floors. That was before I worked up my vivacious one for boys at 14. Drawing fine pictures of horses copied from storybooks. Roaming. Old black folding cage elevator down to the canteen in the basement sometimes stopped too high or too low. The canteen's smell was the same, the elevator replaced. Long sloping underground tunnels with lagged pipes leaking. The room with Mickey Mouse between the windows wasn't there. I saw other rooms with hospital cribs on high legs, bars up, two year old caged. Roaming in the place I felt an old man in black coat conspicuously lonely, lost in the layers, not in the right time. Went from there to Carmichael's for Sunday dinner and it was a wildly wrong evening, I kept hearing myself out of control saying in all crooked ways that I don't like their marriage and miss my friends and long for you and am enraged how once again I can't be friends with Carmichael and looking hungrily at the baby and hungrily at Carmichael's legs and was soon got rid of and taken home by C with a baffling mix of raw hostility and true confession. Headache ever since and then I remembered it's birthday tomorrow. Demented. Judy wrote, they're coming in May. Nothing from Luke, though I've written again. I think I must work April otherwise I haven't the money for my debts and necessities. I won't want to but in May I'll be in the farmhouse again. You, I can never believe you're coming back in April, have you had enough of there? You wouldn't like my country any better now, would you? Did you really think to bring your books? To the place with the woodstove? To the new green and fresh wind and big air sea. And creek. Livening. Oh city girl I wiswh you loved it I'd be so glad to offer it to you. You could have it by yourself in April. No you'll want Vancouver. At this moment I don't care if you're fat tho' I'd poke you, no I'd still stroke your fat sleek sealish. And be glad if you were sometimes ugly. What about my threatening voice, I don't remember, you asked three times. Your period weakness is probably from being unexercised. I want to know what you thought about symmetries and reflections, on the bus from Hudson's Hope some night back, night bus going through snow on a mountain road, we didn't meet other headlights for hours, the driver, I was two seats behind him, across the aisle a young Native girl and a sleeping baby, their overhead light on them, somewhere behind me in the dark the only other passenger, driving going gradually into the
[I turn 34.] come to see them, c says trudy has moved, I see a shack on the edge of town, she's been with jane of the whales (Jane Perks), some houses connected by a boardwalk I built, would like to have material to build it better, mourn for the scraps of cloth I threw out, to be free, when I could have made a patchwork to celebrate the life I got, the fabrics I remember are not from this memory, going into the next house to phone trudy shit on a book one of my earrings falls out without separating was there for years with a nickel behind it with cheryl and her new friend a young blond woman we're in a corner with our arms around each other, the young girl begins to sway us open until we burst apart at the window a storm wind eagles in it black some black and white flying we see friends sara soft in her flaming hair huddled bundled flight wanted to fly out with cheryl she was timid I went first fearless high up the mountainside shaped like a sled when I wanted to rise over an obstacle I lifted my chest slightly we flew up the ridge and over it, came down back to the french windows then I was going back to my farm with ponies -
headache - [Jane Roberts the Seth books] the physical pattern of the present body is a genetic memory of the self's past physical forms electromagnetically to a structure of present body unfocused in each opening into consciousness, tremendous power and balance, to hold this particular c from others, outpush to keep from falling back into infinite possibilities your mother, if you've known her in the past, will dream the two of you, at the time of your birth awareness of new one forms its matter dreamlike connection with between-life, at first easy, later fades others can always stay at some distance from body the child can visit first
up a funnel pyramid, 'here he seems to make contact with impersonal symbols whose message is somehow automatically translated' point a warp in dimensions, a place between systems energy, physiological reality 'for space is meaningless'
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atoms and molecules also carry responsibility there's a part that can joyfully perceive as creative, without responsibility in the back of your mind you think what's powerful is evil you form the physical body with discrimination, clarity, knowledge of each minute cell this portion of your identity is native clairvoyant and telepathic, all communication before a word is spoken integuments. all connected through the one vitality
the family gestalt and its purposes trust in the nature of vitality about to leave body for dream state, found in strange house or apartment from that given point of silence sounds will also begin that grow deeper and deeper into silence which is your point of non-perception an unspoken thought
inner perception and manipulation of matter
aggressive nature of thought taking you where you don't know yourself
ego terrified of the strength of the creative ability, afraid it will be minutes and hours have their own consciousness each physically oriented one feels thrust alone into a strange environment without knowing its origins or destination, dilemma of early states of ego people chosen by others to show outwardly this situation the inner self knows exactly what will impress the ego intimate contact with entity in those times men spoke and confided to the spirits of birds, trees, and spiders
7 in the country a house, climbing carefully on the roof side room detaching became real houses splitting (headache) I was saying, looking at the framing where they separate, down into the separation, houses built in 195? tend to come apart (not exactly), inside boxes of things maybe clothes oldfashioned bathing suits I want to take one (here) the woman whose house it was comes talks strange-likeable, see the date of the house scratched on the doorstep 1975, she must have left just after when it was built leaving I see a shelf of plants she has been watering, living in the uninhabited at a camp I'm distracted, tell judy ritter and her friend to take anything that belongs to them and anything else they need, want tapes, I say ask first a few I want to keep young gay man wants to be friends because I'm hot, he has a friend mark who I should meet, who's gentle watch two gay men and 2 gay women about why they didn't take a chance and find out then jam and many family people come in j they say is mad at me because I broke a generator a small black round plastic box plants growing well (avocado) I was telling them I'm busy and don't care about my things slides - write her - stuck in dislike - still seasick don't know what universe to live in, ugliness, carmichael still weighing how both of them outweighed me easily the moment of the grimace came in the house and couldn't move 8 awake earlier, library cooper stein bruderhofgemeinde back 'I have a letter in 410' 'you have two' her own voice grown bigger gave me simple statements for him and for her, to leave nothing dark crooked because I assumed your hospitality was false, I could have cleared it with you the classic male put-down of a woman who has left her place, poor thing, you're sad because you need a man to fuck you, and I'm sorry I can't help you looked nice when you said it as if it was a necessary revenge 'why don't you take a lover' because after so many wrong loves I no longer let anyone into me who can't imagine what I am what are your oppressive gallantries for? philosophy medal, olivia's snowplow in cooper wondering if he said brave true things or whether my indoctrination grew slowly send to j with what I heard in these two letters
- c the quiet seer rock crystal tower translucence. consubstantial with the penetrating essence of the universe beyond manifestation egg and snake the squares of human experience with the four directions extending to infinity
in a forest a tall white wall las arbolades mexico, luis barragan [sketch of wall and tank]
to his amazement the doctor even noticed the yellow cornea, characteristic of the levantines everywhere, seem to be in egypt
being in our own minds, separate as a person from any other person in unlonely aloneness open to the world here I encourage myself and put new heart into myself by invention rather than transplantation, and make a wager to deal with new lives in self relation. taboo against feeling yourself alone in the world techniques for finding the superego people most vulnerable to internal attack [these are David Cooper I think]
coalescing consciousness of inner and outer object decisive dissolution of experienced boundary of self ungratified is the experience of being poised on the boundary of one's self, frightened but unable to let go
mirrors - attempt to see through the self for others to the nothingness of self for self to live with one's cancer, inviting it to a sort of marriage people talk freely from a depth of inner order those archaic presences anoia, in which the outside becomes continuous with itself through the inside the situations of being frozen - divert promise runs through every form of departure, to stay holy in the world discipline, the pain of the promise death was born 9 cold lake floating stone lake march, inside me an elevator has been going suddenly up and down, I thought it might be the y but it's here too, pink fingernails, whoozy - riding silent in the grocery truck not there much except sky's mile of wing passing over, and a beautiful town smokey lake with ukrainian churches silver domes and double white crosses in a snow cemetery it was in a hollow, placed in a way, with woods shaped in a way, that made it not this alberta out of town one room log houses with end shirts and plaster over logs, russia hills melted to black, like grazed long road through sand pines and birch I realized this is primrose lake where I'd have been in january if - I got to be glad for the place by a cool air under the skin of my face, but then the road was too long when a moose ran into the trees I had a flash vision of a man's profile and wondered if indians come back as moose, 'this is a good year for them' when I realized I was body turned on not to my knowledge by the man although I assumed he must know had looked at him curiously to see what he was only a solid not ugly person who didn't talk too much not by knowledge what else is body and why mailed cooper to j in a yellow envelope here coming into the new variants of camp person: and being one, and working immediately to see how to do it this one has more tension and already know where some of them are 10 she told me she didn't begrudge me but when charlie touched her going by sea through the morning straits, they'd recently been formed with fresh sand-colored lava and a foam on the hills there the man and woman I visited said a storm was coming that could close the straits, I could stay with them, I said no I'd go back to my hotel, did I have time, was back but said I didn't remember the reverse trip through the storm (going to the scilly isles wedding funeral) upstairs where an old woman lay I wanted to store something with her? a child or a cat in a garden? sense of looking into a dream a slight almost transparent image with space in it sensation as if space is there without its content or only a thin film a quality of space could I keep it an animal come in from the parts of language that aren't words how letters are scored and copies false
11
it is not a place to love this world in muther hulda 12
13
14
elizabethans choosing words putting words next to each other
15 swans I wrote on the back of the photograph that the swan had come to me a year ago and was a year old then blue and white like heidi's picture of bc two swans on mirror blue the peaked cullet saying yes I'm crazy and want to be found into myself in this world I'm wanting vancouver streets fly for april? absently liverpool lou next door by drunk newfies pulling ahead of the tune what does this mean when I was wondering if I'm alarmed by the free stupid next door, tony's [1974] letters mailed to luke one empty one full, his conception day soon the swan
16 mystery story - science fiction - in both of them the wrong one murderer alien is the narrator jules, myrtlee and the campie broke camp early and drove around in a pickup, looked at spruce hens together played with language I saw two people kindled in knowing how to be who they are she makes her beauty by performance, what happens in one crew transformed for the next the drive in her voice I like both their faces and I like that they were married at sixteen jules telling me black poplar in cree is mi-meetosh, ugly poplar a laugh broke out that I liked forms and rituals keep it going but when something lively comes into it they know and love it 'you do know how to bellyache,' got her back for the way she pushes me he's brilliant at mechanics
pine woods in truck with him and her keep losing 17 earlier with jam she had a hidden meanness making me helpless shit on my clothes in a station toward sieberts from la glace in a fast small car, I roll it into the ditch engine's still going drive it rightside up and trying to leave the ditch the engine stops in siebert's lane two children playing I see a girl in grey pants bent over bum toward me, she straightens and looks at me slim brownhair girl I notice she has on a seamless bra her breasts are big on her young thinness I go to my car green antique roadster, pick it up carry it upside down on my head 18
went to bed with work had got it to a concentration and was generating when I shut down and didn't force, said I'd go on in the morning - in the morning body woke but like every morning I don't, it came closer but still wouldn't, felt rebellion is it parent sunday happiness reading the underground writing daydreaming being a roughneck already got a rev when czap says good girl make a singing evasion 'i'm a wo-man' his insensitive intrusions piling
loosed myrtle and jules to leave 19 sandy didn't die she had a baby: easily led to imaginary a little one in vancouver lovely house it was how to get the father and then finding the written story of the house in the cariboo fired to tell her/you/her I know something and want the freedom of thinking in materials again and india to see the objects vancouver for kin
yoga waiting for the truck, mike snow or homologue
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fluorescope, blue light and space in the paper with blue lines microscope grain rocks
- alternate focus allows personalities from other realities some systems are bounded with centres of faster than light particles these begin to slow down at a rhythmic rate toward the peripheries in your terms over great distances until actually the outside slower particles to some extent imprison the centre masses even though they move much more quickly but within a confined area the behaviors of such units form the particular camouflage within any given system while the peripheral activities effectively set up inner identities and outer boundaries the camouflage structure gives impression of closed systems and energy permeates rind the slower particles of the body time = one at a timeness - playing homology - in the under buildings with earthen floors - the foreface made of light - the family conference on how to do any little thing, taken in. impressed by noticing the sense of how much of that someone is able to suppress Flagellate gametes may be attracted to each other by two means. All may be attracted to light of a certain intensity and thus be drawn together. The red eye spot detects light but it is improbable that this simple structure, even with a lens, enables the gametes actually to see each other. Then one gamete may taste and be attracted by the excretion of the other. shock of see each other: a vision crossing inward into nowhere no viewing room no projection booth I'm the slow twin but I suspect the other one of belonging to a nature-struggle it doesn't want me to know about tries to attach auxiliaries and is in the battle to be attached
-~~~~~~
- the family position more important to him because he was man and second the strong enemy and a strong ally -
- weakness to evoke a deeper love, strength to show where you can get help. as you work month after month at this task of group rapport, state truthfully whatever you register a love that will safeguard you from love of power
reception aura a mechanism that's the true expression as fewer emotion and clearer mental
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is it latency of a sickness to get me out of here neufeld's when I was a stranger, proust in upstairs bedroom crime and punishment under a tree breaking john's belt this fat cook unobserved blows nose through fingers wipes on teatowel on his shoulder (should have written that elegant oblique) their stupidity assault every sentence by my resistance
22 3:30 to move christian truck driver vermilion
23 waking on truck yard telephone numbers
[letter] Coming north in the crewcab through spring, felt I was coming home to you, because I knew there'd be letters, two weeks - how well they knew me at the desk - oh Edmonton, tired. Delicatessen on Jasper - already here seen differently than in the bush among the bush people. I'll write a mixed letter and you won't mind. Got drunk together. There were aergrams from mid-February, oh maybe I can drink here, the waitress likes me, I'm in joy. You like me, you said you had space in you to be a writer, that was when I felt the flash of joy. Did I know I wanted you to know that. There were ten letters. I read them in any order then sorted. I could never marry anyone who wasn't a writer. A little shock when you told her what I said. Half a litre of red. Then I thought I should be careful, think carefully, and not exploit what I have to offer her. When I read Roy's angry letter, first the blow then hardening, I know exactly how to reply to it and get what I want, but I'd have to do something out of a cunning I don't know the inner price of, I have to wait a little and feel whether being in touch with Luke now is worth the doubleness or whether I must wait and fight to be someone eventually worth knowing. Roy's letter seems to me both mean-spirited, I would never have told him Luke was indifferent to him, and anxious. He wants me to say something nice to him. His generous impulse isn't hard to set up but. No I don't want to play his way. Only sometimes winning is good for the spirit, I made Trapline in a time when I'd got room for myself by unscrupulous handling. I'm drunk already, one glass. This morning as I was waking I understood the meaning of certain slides, then I found myself in the camp attendant, a muddy truck yard, I can't tell you, a moved camp, sun, a yard deep mud, only me, the rest of the camp somewhere, I didn't know where. Sleeping under many blankets, furnace cut off from its tank, I can't tell you, then couldn't remember what the meaning was or which slides - some fine slides from Bodo - in this bush it was again that the camera held a certain ability to see, the camp attendant worked and didn't see but the camera turned me into one who could make a wonderful forest, in the frames something never there in that bush. The camera holds a person. The camp attendant put her eye to it and was suddenly sophisticated, any direction she pointed it there was a built civilization of the frame. I'll be drunker and Had many thoughts in this camp, but the camp attendant was caught in hatred. Last night I was in bed and touched myself, not intelligently, and wouldn't come but instead found myself sobbing, remembered other times coming was crying. The realization was that I'm a hungry bum, last meeting with Carmicheal and Holly bared me in that way, I wanted to take it in, that I'm a middleaged person lost in this strange work among people who are like me though I pretend not, lonely, starved, unmarried and maybe unable, meantime betraying my hunger in grotesque selfbetrayals anyone else can easily read, undefended, what else, out of step, like you said, not cool, going far away in metaphysical and messing up the physical, a plain person unhappy among strangers and if she has a friend why isn't she with her friend and not in this alien - This morning I started to bleed. It's moon dark also. Wanted to tell you. How're you doing, said the waitress, nice. Getting drunk I said smiling. She smiled too and sped away. How it was on the ground where the worst is known. You said it feels like soon. Yes it does. I don't know about money, I need at least another thousand and that means another month and later maybe sometime I'll have to work again. I liked you in your letters, one wasn't there, it was a February one. In summer do you want to come to Valhalla? Yes? I am not giving up Olson's house, I want to live in a granary again, but the house is there. I do see Luke, I think he'll come, maybe his cousin, want to build a tree house and make exercises, I want Judy, you, can you stand, oh yes you can, oh I could sleep outside with you, air all free-moving over the sleepers' heads, you in some form I never saw before but I can play with you, have a hard time, try to make what I say worth the time of your life, oh Now you think of the silver stove and big table? When do you want The strange openness of the future. Spring early spring. Coming back from Lloydminister, I see these towns that were names, the round hills were white day before yesterday, are black today, brown on the round tops where they're dry. That gave me an erotic thrill, the ground was like an old camel's hide. Camel grass pelt, water standing nmext to a bush of bush had a bunch of bush upside down, I loved to see that, fences, with water under them and the lovely posts sticking up in the other world, water everywhere making these openings into somewhere else; blue sky and the black hills, their extreme roundnesses close to each other, something that happens along Saskatchewan border, distance, road, peaceful movement smooth on pavement, white clouds above the coffee gatherings' chases. Daphne's letter full of wonders of nature seemed pious and sulky. The sun rhombuses that should be left in vision, yes, and so should - Oh yes, We went past a Ukrainian heritage village, and then a herd of bison. The second cook saw a new kind of immense tractor with 4 tires in front and 4 behind. He said "That's a Ukrainian 4-wheel drive. I was enough in their world to find that funny. It's odd, I really was in that world, Lloydminister truck depot. And then was with you and tomorrow I'll go see my garden and now I'll pay and go home to the Y. 24 Edmonton
26 Vancouver waking first dreamer diana got into bed, we could snuggle, a moment when her face was different, there was someone else, familiar, jam, as if I was surprised to know her and at this moment it seems I would be upstairs from a distance thinking this place is beautiful, in paul's room the tree in front of the mirror with blue around wine reds and yellow outdoors on the streets men attracted, started to believe a visible country life shopping for tape recorder - oh, kay [from Bull Catering] , saying I shower in the men's washroom and act like a man and am fired - the city - easy to move in - at 22 busstop and I'll go see - out of breath up the hill - the arm and small thin face, nervous, both, but possible to move in it, play, her letter returned this morning, I had nerve and she was able - toxemia, do you feel ugly first - I have to do something because I got slack-looking out her window I never saw those trees before 6 moving poplars 4 panes light clouds, the room was happy, trying to hold still, tape recorder first r, then c, and came in seeing us happy got mad and wouldn't let it go ugly but I could see she was doing it to make sure she was there, t's teachy, I was smug too, the polarized of her, but what happened in the end was that she squeezed t out biographies, only one gaze to say t I saw what happened in the next store white jacket, and 4th avenue, and red shirt and at home signs of a man, making this a short visit 27 turning clockwise at a distance and came differently because not at the centre of it 28 neighbour, mountain, clear morning awake early need to think how he had kiyooka on the table, into his rush today mind turns away doesn't want to go clear into and couldn't read only partly talk partly ture not as well as possible but breaks into
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red shirt with me all these days shan saying she died, her straight body april 2 we struggled - I don't ask for the information I should have, go past it 'understanding' behind the struggle I get dismayed what is it what happens with her, the voice on the telephone for a short time was next to mine both like inside indoors wrestle once again left ungiven except for the best attention pointed toward having letters in my hand, there was I, and it a cut emily wyman 8th of march [Andy's daughter's birth] 5 a gathering for david larcher's movie, we're in the front row, it will be high up to the right, I'm on j's lap and she's rocking me, I tell her not to we're chasing through the trees on the right maybe there was a drug I run fast but suddenly stop on the edge of a drop, below a black pool, I'm encouraged to jump but won't because something in the pool, underwater, might grab me someone runs past jumps in I see a hand from under the black grab her feet, she goes under but emerges at the edge naked widehipped marlys, I'm looking at some marks or stripes on her body in a grove a woman standing in front of me explains that it was arranged, it was a play the colours in the woods had been like acid color val [power] comes
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