| edged out 5 part 5 - 1983 may | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
13th May 1983 Thursday With the new sandal on, hate, under what I expected to feel. At Granville Market, hate, looking at the bodies. A keen taking-in. Nervous bellicose toward x who was that way contemptuous again, and today. Why today. It's bitter, as if it has to do with R. She bought a blender, meaning - The way old mama was - it's approximately dark of the moon. Work, going back to the first writing seeing what isn't thought through, satisfaction goes - I was satisfied - this means back inside work. Gandhi. Dreaming him working away making shit - being witting and right, having luminous eyes. Statements. Began to be interested in statements apart from their intentions. The starlings fallen - parents' long beaks shouting from wires above the courtyard - diving at the white cat - Rhoda in the garden saying "There's been something strange in this day, have you felt that?" - "Something acute and quite painful" - the thick shrubs of dog rose undergrowth - [list of short poems from field and field]
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Force of attraction proportional to attracting masses Ether - called it a medium or on other occasion a spirit, for transmitting Newton filled the entire space of the universe with interlocking forces of attraction, issuing from all particles of matter and acting on all, across the abysses of darkness. The comet's parabola, smooth curves [list of flowers blooming at stages of the seasons] box-shaped hearths, tent rings and tiny stone tools
What we have protected on this island is not complete.
in defense of the soft power The dancers take you to the limits of what you can stand, they bring you to every fear you've had, and just before you go crazy they lead you back from the edge of total insanity so that nothing can ever really scare you again. Perhaps the body is metaphoric. Whoever is marked by water remains faithful to the anima (A permanent psychic consistency is the - - four young girls who had nearly reached an age to be married. The one who wanted to marry a whale brought to an island. Whale made a house for the girl of its own bones, a house of whale bones, and gave her food of its own maktak and its own flesh. Whenever people in the camp were hungry he'd go underwater to reach the beautiful lady at the bottom of the sea and find food. When the shaman made his journey he'd have to sing songs to his spirit. The path to the bottom of the sea was very dangerous with smooth and very slippery ice. The reason the shaman went was to bring the animals close to where the hunters were. Along the journey there were many animals. And all around the beautiful lady the animals were thick as flies. [plant list] How is mirror prenate. Primitive (eye) area only sees movement of shadows. Riley's lines and Pribram Binol - Thoacdien - through cord. It thinks us but it don't think like us. No it aint been beartht it never does get beartht. Every day has the shape of the nite what it come out of. Yet I d know it the shape of nite I d gone into the nite in the day time. Trance confidence recall synthesis, clairvoyance and telepathy He must have the ability of doubling. These mental controls constitute an art private to each. If someone dreams doubles something just coming to threshold of consciousness. Anlagen - in recognitions. [herb lists classifying by form] Having to gaze until that occurred. If we were parting for life - 17 She gives sex for talk. Then the other will not talk. She has been satisfied in flirting. Body inert. "The way you were walking made me think you're falling out of love." A nest of hungry birds. In the work dreaming Duncan might like to talk about it, Rudy Wiebe, Kristeva. Icy bitter. N.g. fucking, not liking to look at her, her not guessing where to find me, the bad coat, knowing there's no relation. You don't love the relation between living and writing.
Crying, not hardy. Not refusing. She was sorry for an imagined sadness not the real one. Wanting to be with someone in my work. I'd like it to be in a way that's not falling in love. I want it to be in my work. Liking to tell about Kepler. "I've come to think that perhaps you don't know what she was doing." Satisfaction in thinking I'm incarcerated, then when I said I'd finish a book this week. Poking a hole in her belly and writhing around. Letting myself be moved along past the information and still struggling by protesting but without the deep energy lever.
What's pain, what does this pain know. Blames - is a crash - is afraid the work is no good - differences in what something means - which one, chemically - in the sportscoat and glasses an ugly man sitting theorizing - I know this anxiety - throat howl - fear - tea.
Now the hard work knowing this piece Them I imagine reading it - I must read it from them - say to them you can take it further, that's what friends are for - 15 [?] Imagination is - imagination likes Revising writing I don't understand completely the decisions I don't command. To leave the possibility that there is an order I don't already know. Personal attachments to a phrase - Zones The images of field & field or field & pasture meeting - the imagination - the screen Something I'm noticing and don't like - accepting a line or word because it local/lochal writing and pictures can be seen to belong to the piece. It's a doubt, a moving on, a quick circle back as if [checkmark], unpleasant feeling of ingratiation, opportunism. Images of ---. Imagination referring to its own. Images of field & field or field & pasture meeting - the imagination refers to its own - local writing and pictures - 'attractions' - the screen Newborn babies are precisely synchronized with - Trace back to the source and then repeat at liberty. There is another way to stand in the process. What the micromovements mean - if we violate the order we violate the possibility. Of all things in one moment, if more people learn to work in this inner way synchronicity will become a natural perception. Micromovements Close. Then rotates to a distance enough to see ghosts. Don't know what rhythms are for, like the expanded one from inside nerve circuits. Whether to have the swirl or the chop. Not knowing how to tell. Feet of clay. The courage of Lassie [Laiwan's band] It's brown over. Silent rustle something. Whiteness fading towards a grey. A capable freedom. Disintegrates into a liquid stream. Zimbabwe. Immense. Pocketbook theory. Fox Real Time Programmer. [These likely are notes from Laiwan's Emily Carr College graduating slide show with images from Zimbabwe] 19th Worried. Attention. 20th Wain said it's --- and --- (stiff, heavy, pedantic) - identity writing - "You're still ..." or "It's because you're still ---" (in reaction against your father). 22 After those days allowing the ardent child, being somewhere not at home, erratically finishing - not finishing, again choosing my way through - bad dream of publishing, while working, of the forms possible to show, of the form being cleared, that there is a form, unfamiliarly. This language is strawy, old grass
Confuses me. What I know about my real harm is brutal being crudeness emptiness carelessness lack of attention heaviness uninterestingness Worst would be that even now in a depth I don't feel, I am wanting to be married to a fine man, that it keeps me from heart and fear not to be able to be and from true suffering not to stay held in the lack. But: there were real kisses and was she a man in them. Pécuchet. But Bouvard. Teach me how to not be she / help me to not be she if you are not she. [sketch of painting I did on the wall above our bed in St Albans Road] "The kernel, and a line around it thicker in some places and thinner in others, and then all the rays, and two tears." [quoted from journal of 1970] 23
Work. How I am in.
I want her to see it. If you want some quality for them you must make it in yourself. It feels butted in contradiction so that I have to - I have a quarrel with he and want to use her in it. There weren't me in Sandy but still you were one. It's one of the (valences) vectors. We live in different circuits. As long as there are men I have to be one. What is the feel of when I say he. What is the feeling I have of that she. Triumph that so fine an exchange can be claimed for us, ie we are no longer inferior. "You want to abandon she! And I want to enlarge it!" "I censor my woman feelings too. That's one of the things I found out in smoke. I was able to have feelings I'd never had, of wanting to be given over. because it isn't safe." If I called her he I would be seeming to worship them again. She can't bear it unless I absolutely censor all reference, memory, feeling, in relation to men. I and you. We and I. If I wrote she for everyone. As long as I have a feeling of enmity.
Instances where the he is essential [check through field and field counting instances of referring to men or fertility and instances referring to women, classifying into categories]
Erotic of active passive LISTEN Bottom step new vibration of the (bladder) pubis. If I agreed, I would stop feeling love. I would so hate the gratitude. The childishness of the gratitude. A mother becomes dull and slow, cannot hold a lover's interest. I have needed a lover more than I need a child. You would have got what you want. You don't know how you'd be in that freedom. You would still hold out. The body would still disappoint me. Anyone you love as yourself you won't want them too. If I stopped being mad at men what would be different.
You realize it will make a separation. What she needs - to continue her line - for her mother to love her like she loved her father - to feel she's got into my physical core. 1. 2. 3. I work with her and we find it can't be done
4. It can be done
You would have got what you want without reserve. You'd be as irritated by my difference as ever.
You'll have got into my physical core and I won't have got into yours. You'd have what you want and what would I have.
Because I'll still be white, Christian and slowspeller. One drive toward prestige of men. The thing you give up is reproduction. You won't give up your alliance with prestige of men. I can't do it because I would stop loving you because I had not got what I wanted. Mysteries. There could be touching so beautiful as that. 24 What it's like today. More independent generous quite trusting. Yes I'd like it. Sitting flying. Clover and headed grass, gorse, heat, lovely meadow, Laiwan. Days too vacant. London 599. 7 days.
Her voice was bright, she wanted to go on talking and when I could say "I watch my body going ahead, I'm watching to see what it's up for, I'm delighted when I see it's up for quite a lot" ("I'm glad to hear that because I've thought I was alone in it"), I'm very close behind it." 25 [videography and tech notes for Bill Viola] Prigogine irreversibility "the arrow" His theory of dissipative structures Instability - greater complexity and greater likelihood of fluctuation - instability - reorganization - greater complexity. As heating intensifies the mixture suddenly begins to self organize. Striking spatial structure. Zhabotinsky reactions. Self organizing chemical processes, energy from outside. My first work on nonequilibrium thermodynamics, in 1946, when I realized that nonequilibrium might be a source of organization and order, I was very, very happy to have this idea. that the elements are time-less and the structure is timed With the progress in dissipative structures, irreversabilty, we begin to see the matter around us is more interesting than we thought. The meaning of the laws near equilibrium and far from equilibrium are different. We don't know the relation between entropy and gravitation. We are not going toward equilibrium because this stream of energy comes to us from the stars, the galaxy and so on. Bifurcation is the appearance of new states of matter at critical points - before that critical point you have chaos. There is possibility of chemical communication between molecules over long distances and long periods of time. New dialogue with nature. "I can't stress enough that it is an active object." Far from equilibrium we have specificity: elephants. Dissipative: when there's energy entering and leaving. Experiments: some of them are amplified, some not. Multiple futures that hinge upon fluctuations. the idea of a universe we see in us converging with a universe outside us
Loss of self-relation is loss of relation for the other. Identification of ego with. The sexual activity of such people shows it has not behind it the whole mental energy belonging to the instinct. If outward going love is not allowed to choose it goes back to the first pattern but has to be unconscious. We would understand the language of dreams better and translate it more easily if we knew more about the development of language. Urworte contradictions. Reversed sound/metathesis. Not: liking. But: path with heart. To be in pain means one's abandoned oneself. A warrior exercises strategy. A warrior doesn't want to find meanings. Dorothy and Storm Jameson 1891 - Is she unintelligent because she married, was in sex and motherhood.
[list of early poems] Camera searching with torch underwater for stone.
27 Wanting, fighting, to enlarge understanding. At the same time fighting, resisting. "Why are we willing to do this for each other?" she asks. "There is so much missing, doesn't it distress you too." A cord a chain a strand a tape a band an arm a thread a string a shaft of ribbon a pipeline a long neck a beam a shaft a flower a coil of light a sunbeam sometimes pulsing connecting them to Being the placenta too. Cut off and dying, abandoned. Stove archway cave waterhole trap-door coffin octopus locomotive railway trestle stampeding animals dark road mud snow feathers underbrush mountain avalanche riverbanks parks and streams of water or the dynamic element represented by walking, floating, descending, and the opposite of being rooted to the ground or pressed against an obstacle
Man bear - implantation [loose sheet of paper from earlier I think: Take the gifts without becoming them. The closest work I can say to anyone as if alone Return reflexion] 29 Under the wealthy tree - she moved the lawn - it's like Alberta - Esther taller and in a better body. She sat with her back to [me]. The story of her dream, Dianna in her arms going down the stairs a few more steps and a coffin. [in real life] She takes her to places that are closed. At Outpatients they're having a doctor and nurses' meeting and it's closed. Dianna looks alright. Esther saying she's sick. A doctor standing by with arms folded says "I'll look at her." Then there are six or seven looking at her. "I won't send her in an ambulance, I'll take her myself." Her blood platelet count down to 3000, if she bumps herself she'll be dead. Yesterday. In dapple her party. "These four people I'm moved by." Being left out then but later the arm behind my chair and across the table the same. Reflet. "'I love you.'" "Oh Trudy!" "No you're saying that." When I said for the cat. The tape - covered - going along the road she's scaredy, your dream, after I saw them arrive together, when I expected one, and then was cross for the rest of the aft, Trudy was in love with her and gave her three kisses, her light hands, and she'd already passed the book to Rhoda - I attacked her - "We're fond of each other." When the pipe was around the feeling of being peripheral there. They're interested in Jam. And am I - the extraordinary sensation of talking to her in company - still extraordinary - seeing Rhoda suddenly have a reply for her - across something - and it being so directly received - how something is seen. Am I going to see Andy - forgetting I can make moves - sometimes them doing it - I seemed to be ashamed of her - "not one person I could leave aside" - "You're right that different ones would be left aside at different times."
The kind of embraces I wouldn't have accepted - accepting them is in not knowing what is going on in there, it is a hiding close-by out of sight. Why are we willing to do this for each other. Hours missing. Lately hours of trying. There is so much missing - you say things in a way so I can't understand them and I say things in a way that is too easy for you to understand - laborious, distressing. The goddess - she just lies on a slab - what she does is feel the touch - her reading the touch is what cures you - not saying the presence of tit friend - black hair and dark skin - she's an Indian goddess - there is enough time so you can find exactly what you want to do - the subpriestesses who study - no she's like Krishna and Radha - "I've already got quite a lot of what I wanted, you've been miraculous to me" - tears on the red shirt shoulder, two places - so have I got quite a lot of what I wanted, and some I didn't know I wanted.
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Hegel's Anything she talks about is talked about in that way. Enthralled. Enthralling herself further. Taking on the forms of language. Metaphor.
Moon the image of consciousness moving through the night time. What we call waking and sleeping, conscious and unconscious different states and modulations, need not be cut off from each other. Which one speaks as if observing the observation already made by the other silently The other spoke what I'd seen before, as if I suspect I spoke the other's observation - it is a lag - it means a secondness - I am your second - I am behind - it means a defeat - the one is inwardly suspended - I am (holding myself) vacant while you operate, calculate - support. The question of who is the placenta / what is its relation to failure / falling back / so she moves like a sewer / the willing placenta / different ways of being tricked into. Dismay it's still enchantment. Fear that what it's saying is that it wants a man and baby. I want you to read my writing. Ie I don't have a book, again I have got just nonsense of avoidance, which anyone can read. "the message is one I could have read direct, it is ordinary enough." Something that'll stand in the world. "in which the fine shade came as an angling of a word" It's a tissue of degrees of enchantment.
It has swung: this is the disenchant. In it there's Jam, being afraid it means I must lose her, and being attached to a time when we were together; and her possible reading; And the ambition to be seen knowing something others don't. When I find out the worst of it - a level of precriticism - could I still put it out - put it out - could I put myself out instead / also.
Guarding a lie The Laing orthodox was hiding what - A metaphor engages the intention while a message is slipped out - it seems.
He said We are Indian children standing shyly. Not being able to read it from outside its familiarity. This state is osmotic? Anguished, revelatory, but not single, Would I like to - use of confusion - having come into confusion believing there's art in it. It is excretory. I'm afraid of this piece. If I believe what she says about me, which is projection, does it make me her, identification. It describes itself over and over, whether it can go out. Depends on - how far forward are the forms. Seeing something about him / disliking him / putting head down / the images seen. - It is called Logos, and what does Logos mean? It stands for both reason and for speech, and it is difficult to say which it means more properly. It means both at once: why? Because really they cannot be divided . When we can separate light and illumination, life and motion, the convex and the concave of a curve, then will it be possible for thought to tread speech underfoot and to hope to do without it - then will it be conceivable that the vigorous and fertile intellect should renounce its own double, its instrument of expression and the channel of its speculations and emotions. Then is it there because it makes the text and writer attractive, is metaphor the pheromone. Or is the thought nothing but a circuit through the ache, ie he assigns that thought and speech is gendered.
He has thought and speech in gender (valence), then he isn't able to think about (ie look at) what their relation is because gender (is what he has to see through). Ie what is the relation of thought and speech. It varies. It is interesting. Would it be if not gendered. 'Drudge.'
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