| edged out 5 part 1 - 1983 february-march | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
15 February 1983 14th wanting to phone Jam maybe later, at the library take out two Chaim Potok, go through rain to Sandy's, she tells me office misery, the forbidden city, shows beautiful photos of winter light, today I wear the black pants, new shoes, go for the passport and glass slides, waiting for 4:30 to phone, anxious, have had the roll of quarters in my pocket since earlier, waiting in Vegetable Patch, back with the bike, drugstore phone has a man, parking lot phone - putting in the quarters my hand is shaking not a little, surprisingly hard, the phone ringing, ten? I don't hang up and her voice "Hello." That's when my hand shakes. $8 more in $2 lots. "Hello?" "Does this mean forgiveness?" "For what?" "No. Forgiveness for what?" We have been in the same mistake. I only want to sigh. Rejoicing. Watching, at the same time: what is the tone of this? Are we exaggerating? The most of it is physical relief. Scalp. Sighs. "Sighs of relief." "Steadiness." Crouched down like an Indian by a fire, cold, the curtains still closed, raining. "I didn't sleep." "I've been all day wanting to phone you! While you were sleeping." That's not accurate. "Isn't it --- how something always looks after it?" "I'm not sure something always does look after it." "I want to book you for a week." "Yes." "I just want you to come back." Confused, outcries, that I don't remember - what do I remember - in myself the relief, and more than that, only tumbling through, wanting mostly to say oh it's not what I thought - and that she's robust not in fine tune. The relief when I heard her voice not suspicious. The atmosphere of having given, being afraid to have given, unknown offense. And it's R who was offended, before that, at the same time actually, T, and since Al [?]. Notions I then find written - liking it as if they're cancelled by that - wondering how I came to be in them as if they're personal - a sense of being left behind and catching up - it's also the feel of this area of reading to be worried about being caught up - the half formulatedness - it's having accepted as current a question that is done. In reading about digestion taking note of notions in the reading - its generalization habit - in the reading I was feeling as if the ends of threads that wound off into the body - they wound off the ali canal - that: the digestive products going off on their own - also - the ends of the threads - ? - notions, whose process went back - like a nerve - white - I was feeling a dysfunction could be chased - as a one fleet - through all my symptoms - fish - solute - door - hu low? - When I can see the detail of it is not right, or when I can't confirm it in something I know, I'm taking from it the concept of attention to that situation, or a kind of attention. In DL political process, the what was intended by what was said, naming currents, changes in current. It's an extent of fabricated stuff. It is made-up stuff that's A made-up medium in which picking out. Pick up locate notice isolate something from her real time. The novel is the author. Reading the author. In what I know reading the author. In childhood reading anything, for the locations and something about how people might talk to each other. Physical description something focused. The possibility of listening behind. Everything that happens in the groups has a difference from what happens in groups, in that there is someone there understanding. Comparing the descriptions of emotions between people with what might sometime be known differently, physics of auras, interpenetration of field. [pages of notes on digestion]
animal nature and spirit, lust and purity. Through all this turbulence god is struggling to be released. Someone climbed his guts with stubborn groans. something both beast and man that trod a bloodstained road "I am that dark beast, god, who mounts eternally." "I climb my own dark body, son, to keep from stifling." "Help me, my son, that from your mute and muddy flesh ...." his soul, as the wick which god the flame burns and of his body, as the meeting and burning focus of innumerable energies and ancient pressures He must build a city to guard god well, to protect and free him. Logic the forms of meanings, meaning and formations and projections. to reveal the pre-theoretical 21 Dreaming - that it was there - is there anything like (delay: the time for the body to answer) Dreaming - is there anything like the feel of the unrecalled dream - it is a little 3-d figure I look into - while I'm also feeling in toward the back of the head - can't now remember it to check it. Steambath - in the hot air lying juicy - when I forgot I was there imagining going to Princeton to look at her papers - writing Bill - taking the tent - going on from there - nice black clothes - writing something. Imagining the pretty waist in these black clothes, across Woodwards' window trunk angled, swayback dipstep. How did I take it. I saw back to the sensation of hope and work in these days, yoga, food strictness and effort, clothes buying, improvement - the image I hold, have been holding, of a lithe small body - it was from after five days fasting - the waist and straightness I arrange to see. Cleaner feel of face flesh, skin shine. Looking down at black, wine color, blue-black. Compromise formations where the real state of affairs is repressed and disavowed by means of all the Freudian mechanisms, condensation, displacement, reversal, punning or hallucinatory conjuring up of the real Start a semantic drift, praised as third meaning. compromise formations and their relevance in fiction strategy to take the right to use vocabularies tabooed to one's situation another axis characterized as father-aggressive / mother-supportive amae over-reliance on someone's unconditional love and support, which the Japanese apparently need in order to feel at ease.
A tangible? second person.
22
23 [summary of J's letters:
Rereading - the flame of fear - try to use writing instead of understanding it - not till I was past it - realizing it was fear - of what - that she's wrong and doesn't know - then I'm alone - that I've been wrong and idealizing - wanting to be able to love - then I was burning in fear - what's fear - being at the edge of a drop - then I have to go away - but - the agony of before she went - I was it fully again - oh why did I want her to come back, this is - is this her fear? - (it is I'm sure) - she's impossible, what she demands, what she can't see through - we'll never - I must go - her boiling - attacks. Hope - thinking of being able to (make something). Then - the question of the quotations - why does she want them - a steel reinforcement - should I allow her - the astonishing venom of you are behind - if she thinks so or must think so - shall I give her what she doesn't acknowledge - can she do it without - I can cable no - or phone - or I can drop it and find out what she's done - and then cash in - do I weaken or strengthen my enemy - well, strengthen - but in that fear I was without any to spare - she can use it if she acknowledges - and if she gets clear what's her stake. Afternoon sleeping. Total fear of going on with her. I shouldn't when I understand she's sent me fear not accept also the information it raises. I'm afraid also of Rhoda and Trudy - there it is, of their intent to be over me and its meaning, the fact that they can, rather - I have to gratefully notice equalities. J bluffs. How do I think she's candid, she is strikingly candid. I accept to be bluffed and that's how I am shameable. If I see what the contempt is - do I. I am more afraid of destroying the object. If I see, I won't be able to be in good feeling. I saved up somebody to love. I wrote the forms of my weaknesses thinking - what - she'd answer the simple appeal simply, would say: yes, what you sense is this. Evasion. I'm alone in it. She's not willing to say. That means I'm alone in being responsible to decide what is happening and whether to stop. What is happening. Her tears at Rhoda's door. Her holding onto my work. Try to use writing instead of to understand is about aggression-reflection. Hatred in drink - (setting standards for conversation, fucking) - the first postcard (only accept the central, frontal). Which intimidate - not writing - not saying direct, if I have to work at it - the gender manner - which is: a being uncertain. What do I have to say: that if it's coming to an even choice I can't on even terms win - careful - am I or aren't I disqualified - I don't know - that's what's in question - the outlandishness of being a deformed body - the dilemma of the difference in image - what would happen if I fully - but - the (heuristic) naïvete of the pretty image - if I hold it accurate what will I indicate - that I can't afford and know it - noble careless dress - will to override them, tax on what they see - indicate pride - dress like a wounded one - but how not to let it also restrain. In the pink room in Sexsmith sitting in bed looking across to the wall with the dresser, mirror, oranges, saying I'm one who will have to live alone, lucid and hysterical, starving myself, popular, wired, impressive.
And then the voice. 25th February Pictures of string.
Your Saturday. In revision thinking to tell you I want also to take care of you when you're nuts and can't. 26 What the blue pages are Shift of set, shifting I have the original, the presenting piece and between them variations No: the original time - the journal - the presenting piece first try - variation within - a most recent presenting try with variations accepted and not - the re-extraction from the journal - and now want the final presenting piece. What happens in it
When I come to that confusion I (as if) have to know something in a way different from up to then. The principle in the other parts is, this follows in one of different ways. I try to do it in the way the rest has been done, by feel. There's a dancing balancing and when I stop I try to resolve something in meaning whereas in the other the meanings have come up lightly out of the angles of shift of the transitions in moving. From an uncontrolled meaning feeling I have to get a controlled one. In the rest and ambience of suggested meaning. Those are very intimate. Near. A working mind. Tactile. - On the floor, red carpet, listening to the radio. A point arc-weld blue light point ticks in the room. BOOM. Little cat and I jumping up. A roar of fire from the kitchen, the stove, from downstairs? From outside? War? Looking from the hall window, it's all quiet. Open the window. Seeing and hearing rain starting to pour down. It was lightning. Sounded and felt like an explosion in the house. Turn off the lights. Put up the umbrella, take the key. Rain on the awning. Knockknock KNOCK. The other door opens first. So briskly coming, no hesitating at the door. "I thought I'd come and die with you." Dim light and spacey music. Drops on the black glass. Little lights. Siren, we can hear and see the red light flashing miles away. Sirens. The mail truck driving around. Streetlight flashes. We sit in chairs in the dark. Exquisite brilliant car headlights color rising on the slick, the fine grain of white I see in her presence. The blue-white flares west to east in front of her window. Source moves to the northeast. We move to the east windows. I sit on a chair. She brings a jar from the kitchen, opens it. Do you want a raisin. Sure. She brings a chair. The flashes are coming weakly from one place behind the elevators. We talk about J-V and other. The sense of outside is gone. Sitting on either side of the table, in the dark, facing south. Drops on the windows. Dim red light three rectangles on the ceiling. The space of the room across to the windows. The space of the neighbourhood blocks without streetlights. The distant city streets running with small lights. Sounding sirens. Sirens in the music. The blue white flares into the windows. Where was that one. It came from there. Eyes and mouths open, not looking at each other. 27 Kiri Te Kanawa Strauss Four last songs, Autumn. Nancy Hunt's hands. Sunday express. Blue pages complete. This is - sun on the wood under the window. Chair. Typewriter. Pages. Body's lightness, pink belted in. Weightless setting in weightless branches of the cherry. The tulip leaves standing up fire. Violets. This is the light. The figure Hunt/Kwan making me imagine another way I could be what I am. Her red shirt and voice. These days the notice of effects, intelligence-effect, forefront-effect, pleasure-effect, attraction-effect, admiration-effect. The message she's 'responsible' for / the message she isn't. [yoga notes] If there's any accommodation she gets mean though she needs it. Saying she 'can't' be interested in anything of mine, not noticing her draws or rages. "You seem so uncaring." Dope. End of October - first I have to understand my own writing, first I have to be able to stand in any meeting with knowledge and curiosity not shame. Not coming to my show - do you really not know why. Opened the actual open world where I choose as I go and it is according. The coding of the angle of a line. Oh knowing - I'll be able to think without dialogue.
Dreams images Anxiety is a substitute for any lied-about feeling. The idea is what's repressed. Child not being able to confess is because it's really about being in love. Repression is the denial of words to a thing-idea. Neurosis from unanswered questions - crazy speculation. an individuality in the exercise of his capacity to love, in the conditions he sets himself for loving, in the impulses he gratifies by it and in the aims he sets out to achieve in it, which perpetually repeats itself. in what all struggle for, to achieve in real life what she ought only to remember 1st of March never willingly abandon a libidinal cathexis What I was dreaming was that on my birthday Sunday I would go to the airport and see you come through the doors and sit next to you in the bus not talking. This shock was: ten more empty days. Behind it the other shock talking to Sandy when she said "I thought all along this trip was her preparation for moving back there." I said I had thought that too but then I couldn't talk to her any more. In the last days seeing you in HK and me there too but for not more than a year. I didn't know what I'd do for money. The one chosen for groom, a red cloth heart she's put on him. the other young men around black Africans. Images of houses going under water. Sandy's roofless houses she knew by name, pictures of their last moments before engulfed. Someone who used to live in higher country now in a small house by the sea. The sky runs very low downslope over the house over the sea maybe 15' off the ground and dark. I say "You will be frightened here. Storms will come up." a type largely unemployable for whom the real and imagined will not be distinguished, to whatever extent still lets him physically survive. Let it be seen he's proof against temptation. Then she'll feel safe enough to allow all her conditions for loving, all the fantasies of her sexual desires, all the individual details of her way of being in love, to come to light, and then will herself open up the way back from them to the infantile roots of her love. The greater the resistance the more will action repetition substitute for recollecting. Prevent the repetitive actions, work with the impulses. Everything connected to the situation of the moment (is love for the other). Only show interest, clear away certain resistances, become linked with one of the imagos of those persons from whom he was used to receive kindness It is not the knowledge, it's the working through resistances. The connection between the thought and the point where the forgotten is somehow imprisoned, is lacking. Energy is given by the transfer. Give the opponent a voice. The women of no race or class will ever rise in revolt or attempt to bring about a revolutionary adjustment of their relationship to society, however intense their suffering and however clear their perception of it, while the welfare and subsistence of their society requires their submission. Wherever there is a general attempt on the part of any society to readjust their position in it, a close analysis will always show that the changed or changing conditions of that society have made women's acquiescence no longer necessary or desirable. its drabness, thinness, lack of richness in comparison with what he's read about in books a human being exceptionally exposed within the feminine predicament failure in the family and then with lovers and friends The feeling of a shortage of room, having to find some space to grab. Wrote distress that she isn't able to look after her part. It is beginning to be not the not-god but the bad god of programmed inability. Issues of loving. who cannot act on the world but only experience it Women perish in teaching the lesson. I was dreaming of going on, going to the airport, being here as the garden becomes right, working in film, finishing small ones, putting out the small books. The conference this summer. With the way I've worked in the house and body, working on gardens with her. And also that she has been saying that this delay is her instinct breaking the possibility. "I seem to be telling you by dream and reverie and commentary and suggestion that you ar behind." going up helical stairs with 2 people, girls and u wer on the larger balcony below, asleep or unmoving on a divan, couch. something causes me to go to the balcony, from wher i can see u lying below, and i spit, a dark red splat, not larger, the red not vital. i go on in to the up w the 2 of them. u rise, yr face awful and old around the mouth and eyes as if xhumed. See you later / I want to be free as the blue bird that fly in the dream as a boat that drift about the sea please say to me 'good bye,' if your love restrict me. And then that I've got to the place where I see how chaotic she is, she can't do what I've asked, know and decide. It makes me be the agent of my own loss again. Does it. I'm not willing to give up my choice. Then you have to do it. You have had so many friends in your life, that you cannot understand what it is to me, something so much more precious than all sexual feeling or even family love. Schreiner Over that bridge which shall be built with our bodies who will pass? Maybe my young enthusiasm is going to come back. The cold like in London with Luke in his family. My eye cries. The press of anguish. Being alone. T no longer visits. Roadwork moved up the street. The pharmacy staff who know so much about me. At the Ukrainian Center carpenters are closing off the east windows. The little cat comes to my bed, strikes at my arm, likes to be nearby now, sleeps in the middle room, the left eye crying. Her gallop in the hall when I moved suddenly to blow my nose. She's gone down the hot air vent, scratching as if it's earth. She's pinto. Out of the corner of my eye her horse's walk through the room, in the country below my knee. The blue pages are spoiled by quoting. Last winter's notes that I went through today, when they're stripped have a beautiful light. There are the Valhalla notes and this summer's when she sends them. I can see them learning different movements. The blue pages are the most persistent detection. Remembering the dream that told me I wouldn't be among the loved but among those who work. The anguish is the suspense. When it's done could I be less in misery than now. More in. If there's finishing to do it's in finding out her limits in writing. Is that true, do I know them now. What else. I'd like to turn her abuse. I'd like to find out what I've been too impressed by. Knowing the term I could be willing to spoil the object. Is that true. Why so retracted not able to enjoy characters. The answer is success. I would have to have it recognizably. and walked slowly, for it was an evening of great beauty one of half a dozen traditional poses lover or saint To be able to play with hostile minds. He'd go places where - to practice. if we had a literature that made Ireland beautiful in the memory and had yet been freed from provincialism by an exacting criticism, a European pose When I met my father I was full of the discovery. We should write out our thoughts in as nearly as possible the language we thought them in, as though in a letter to an intimate friend. We should not disguise them in any way; for our lives give them force. If I can be sincere and make my language natural, and without becoming discursive, like a novelist, and so indiscreet and prosaic, I said to myself, I shall, if good luck or bad luck make my life interesting, be a great poet; for it will no longer be a matter of literature at all. But it is so many years before one can believe enough in what one feels even to know what the feeling is. I had published my first book of poems by subscription. - My religious emotions were connected with clouds and cloudy glimpses of luminous sky. There would be a cloud and a burst of light and God would bring the calf in the cloud out of the light. the first breaking of the dream of childhood With them in London. Jake and the one I've taken as Luke. I'm looking at him thinking he looks just like Roy. Looking closer at the lines on his face. This is not Luke it's Roy. Roy brings me a library book to show the date is current. I remember the book from a previous visit. Off-side, distracted, passing, I say "And the date's been changed. Where's Luke?" Roy goes off. I am where I thought he was, telling him I've never made trouble, but now -. See him crossing a slope below. There's a school beyond, anyway children. A boy comes up the slope alone. Roy has summoned Luke. This boy looks thin-faced like Judy. I hurry to follow him. Am looking at him on the ground. A hard plastic face, orange, it's a substitute face given him surgically, Roy has had it put on, because he's mutilated him, to remove me from him maybe. I'm stroking the plastic crying out "But this is not a face, oh Luke where are you," to him, behind the face. The way given a freedom of love, it's used to express spite from other times. As I with C. At night in the shell of the cover and quilt did I crawl up completely wet.
In wrong-doing what goes wrong is that later I don't see what someone else is doing because I am preoccupied wondering if the wrongness I feel is mine. Oh summer morning - Do you understand that it panicked me.
Is your brutality my unableness to quickly climb onto it. I as if feel my being hurt makes me real. I as if feel the alternatives as being hurt and openly saying, or being hurt - colluding in my own suppression by not saying. Is there another. Working through it first, OR inventing. Why couldn't you in that. I had to know if it was that, first. It was likely. I was in a happy dream and not ready to change suddenly. I was in a happy dream to move myself out of lonely suspension. I want you to hear the distress. I want you to know your action has an other end. If I'm not hurt you're cancelled. You like me better then but for me you exist less. To you I exist more if I deflect being hurt. I have loving, being loveable, and then keeping the other loveable and defending. Driven by contradiction, which is lying. Viewer identifies own desire with - that is, lack lifting repression and sensation of pleasure. a contract of mastery at the expense of. conventions that conduct unconscious impulse through laws of form. In all discourse quotation represents authority. desire to see own identity confirmed by the work. The spectator is a person who experiences too little. Sincerity "is merely a second-degree image repertory." Anselm Kiefer - Germany. Christopher Lane - San Francisco - paintings, time and space. Neon "filled two boxy enclosures with soft rectangular washes of yellow green and purple blue." Grafitto-like scribble. Calculate time and place for a viewpoint common to - [sketch of moon on days 13 and 26] 4th Stargate gases in torsion: I can see these forms better now, I love this, and the motionless sailing of the starships in black to music, and the flying opening of the landforms under, coming into the star cluster points moving toward and at the same time either staying still or pulling back at another level in the mass, ie particles coming off and the mass the same. Of light. Wanted to live near Luke. Wanted to make dinner on Sunday. Rhoda holding her arm to compare the hairs as I'm standing with my arm back on the bicycle seat till it hurts. Seeing she is shocked too. T: "Or she got confused." Daphne's voice and Jan's. [letter to Jam, not sure it goes here] 5th Suave mad one - this in reply to yr letter from the 2nd. Oedipal dreaming are you - good luck bunny.
Your letter though it tried smoothing did not notice what I do complain of - that you set me up. You're a shit for that - and it was economic, you wanted support - you knew before you left that it was prep for staying, that's why you wanted the newspaper done - and that you're so dissociated you could think to use my best work unacknowledged to help you get a post in HK - that is amazing - I mean amazing. Your imagining I'd want to send that story to Roy was so wild a fantasy it must give you a clue to where your warp is - There's the other thing too - when you got nuts thinking 'he' was the competent one I assume you meant Robert? If you were not inefficiently proud you'd already know that even before you left I had fixed that, by taking your advice, and if you weren't so susceptible you wd also know it was love you wouldn't have, that had to find a terminal. And: to suppress asking about it, and then letting it explode long after there's cause, is so inefficient. And: I would have told you except that when it is the other way, you don't tell me, and I wanted you to know how it works. The skillful way is for the one who is interested elsewhere to keep the other skillfully informed, so she doesn't have to degrade herself to asking. Why is it that in the subtle custom you brag of, there's so little tact in actual mutual existence. Is it a business subtlety only? It gives the feeling of such malice. You don't understand that. Are you all like that except endogamously? Now I'm laughing. You take the cake. Are you making up this oedipus piety to tease credulous me and cover an affair with a lit student? That would be a relief. And the baby story to keep me dizzy - your wit's interesting but why you'd bother. now listen to your mother lil girl: I didn't like that till I saw who was speaking to who. where the power is identified w. the ntire person. how to get the sickness sans getting the person. when I thot it was over my writing was quite lovely - I noticed that too. Let's not dream on, it is over, in a nice way I thank you for, I know it's right yr going home to live, and though I dreamed of coming too (2 days before you cabled) I cd not dream how to make money or even of more than a year, and it's only when I'm months away from one of yr sudden smashings that I dream anything. We won't make a paper long distance. We'll write for a while then you'll become in me everything that was impossible about you. And you'll go on to become more like your father. (You see it happening already.) I don't thank you, it isn't a nice way, but it isn't a terrible way, freedom and the new are not years from it. I will come to the airport I'm still yr friend. [back to journal] 5th Inner speed. At Granville Market beautiful and nice - mimosa - none can come. Just under, a spinny - is it surviving begun to be happy and repelled by. Said endogamous. "It's a dream of loss." Loud crackling the sound of her cigarette paper - "Are those new cigarette papers? It seems unusually -." "It's this time" - dark so we've spoken not noticing we don't see - "Yes" - telling quickly the dream of Luke. Repeating - stroking my face - bought mimosa. Birth hay - the pretty runner at Granville - "I like long-term relationships" - "Is that the one I saw you kissing about 6 years ago in the Boca?" - "It's a dream of loss" - early morning, maybe it's the sounds in the street - touches the glass - "That's when I paint" - "Maybe it's the same mind when you paint as then, when I came the other day you looked as though you - " - "Do you know Penny Goldsmith?" - "She's the first one I thought of" - "My birthday is nothing to do with you!" - "We just weren't there for each other" - "Yes isn't it a shock" - Daphne's love timbre - "When she's in pain I like to be there" - "Can you work there?" - "Yes. I like it" - "I know, when Jam is sick I like it very much, I don't have to be a warrior I can just be nice" - Kiefer is also the one she likes best - painting a space - T's present - the right transparent blue weed-eater line - it spins on - there's a coil of north pole - the teacher's store - Keder's park - how will you be - "It's a long way from London" - nice people liking the way I meet them - "I think I'll want another long one." when the change must come, if come it did, with astronomical slowness, like the cooling of the sun images of an unpremeditated joyous energy, that neither I nor any other man, racked by doubt and inquiry, can achieve; and that yet, if achieved, might seem to men and women of Connemara or of Galway their very soul. when alone he finds images that rouse his energy and began to remember lake water the moment when I had around me the color of lamplight in one of the dark small rooms Wanted to say how seldom I have presences of that kind. Soft-bodied. It is the way J hasn't been able to enjoy me. I understood only vaguely and occasionally that All after two or three, or twelve or fifteen years, according to obstinacy, have understood that we achieve, if we do achieve, in little sedentary stitches as though we were making lace. The mimosa - at the market - seeing the green crate and the dark green carry-cot on it - table with the lamp, yellow - (the purple of the wall, I'm just seeing) - (curtains the sun came through in South Africa) - market of Oxford - I went past it, thought it 1:75 though I'd seen the w - knew I'd come back for it - that symboling - I often - putting a circuit outside - the circuit is complete in some form and when I look for the bare idea it comes as a bloc - the unusual word - block - something - even it's the thing I know - that is to say I know it but don't feel it - the canula holes - cannula cunner cuneus wedge cuneiform cuneate cuneal cunnan akin to CAN1 OE cunnung knowledge < cunnan to know, to be able to know, to be able. Canna reed, tube, cannon. Cannel coat - low heat - alt of candle. You dodge into the dictionary - he said - "a beautiful poet of Scottish ancestry" - I'm writing Jill - I think I'll want another long one - could I tell when I'm in a trance talking double. convinced me that images well up before the mind's eye from a source deeper than conscious or sub-conscious memory There was not that sudden miracle as if the darkness had been cut with a knife, for that miracle is mostly a woman's privilege, but there rose before me mental images I could not control. He had carried further than anyone else a claim implicit in the romantic movement pray that my imagination might be rescued from abstraction and become as preoccupied with life as had been - are unified by an image symbolical or evocative of the state of mind which is, of all states of mind not impossible, the most difficult to that man, race or nation; because only the greatest obstacle that can be contemplated without despair rouses the will to full intensity. the work that stirs vaguely in many before it grows definite in one Gaelic in idiom and Tudor in vocabulary. It had as it were organized itself, and grown as nervous and living the same hand that painted a certain dreamy, lovely sandy shore, now in the Dublin Municipal to summon a creator by revealing chaos When two people between whose minds there was even a casual sympathy, worked together under the same symbolic influence, the dream or reverie would divide itself between them, complementary passing in sleep into the heart of the mountains Stoop not down to the darkly splendid world wherein lieth continually a faithless depth and Hades wrapped in cloud delighting in unintelligible images How could I judge when I could not measure what the different classes and occupations contributed to that invisible commerce of reverie and of sleep. When someone is in a fine moment, filming their physical presence without interview. personifying spirits we'd best call Gates because they bring us to crisis. They are mirrored in all the suffering of desire. That birth, that re-creation, is from terror. and so to be phantoms in their own eyes. They and their sort alone earn contemplation. At his moon one is not solitary, he must project himself before the eyes of - 15th as full - "it is well to find before the 19th, a sudden change as when water freezes," "the great transitions are sudden." being but a desire for virginal ecstasy unity not by experiencing but instinctively, by rejecting all experience not of the right quality, and limiting its quantity Calling the attention of the under, to what one wants. Did we turn away from certain thoughts and things because the Middle Ages lived in terror of the dark, or had some seminal illusion been imposed upon us by beings greater than ourselves for an unknown purpose. Cunt not being in the dictionary. Her faeries had but one tune, The distant waterfall. Presently the child saw the star lying in a cradle. 6th Her playing with a grape. Candle flame. Steady breath-fed slight probing and falling. Ezra's bit of bark. I show myself having seen her. Rhoda raises her hand. I raise mine. She closes her door. I turn back to my bed. Reflection in turning of the shoulder in the kimono. "Gone back to doing what they thought they'd never do again." The beauty of the house. Hurt belly when T said she was having tunafish. Then she speaks as to her friends on the phone willingly long conversations of enthusiasm sociality. The length of time learning what I admired was what I imagined from a reserve they had with me. But this morning in the room in sun pink and yellow. Three good presents. Raisin bowl lined with night sky. A planet. She took the globe off the line and set it properly in the stand. - I was going to say, what is worth something is a laughter I find myself giving in to. I begin it in what I don't know as reserve until I feel a change of giving in. Little cat lying still on my left bum. She was too snobbish for the crayons. Their sound. The corrected unconscious. Generous about the garden, and from sweeping her stoop saw me gazing at the rose bush again and laughed. She drew Stephen Hawking's ear and wanted to send him a picture. This morning Greg, Peter, living in an old VW came back found Desser in it in a house full of garbage, he drove it out, I said "There are no tires," he was driving out on bare wheels. Is it saying this goodlookingness is a junk regression. Getting angry at J and chasing Ezra downstairs, while she was phoning after T. Out the window a bent rainbow, another inside it. Run to the next room, call (Judy) to see it, she has, comes with me back to the first room. We see next to it a brilliant point of white light that shoots suddenly up growing into the full moon moving fast. It was not full moon before, we understand, and by the earth shaking and our being pressed down hard onto it, that earth's position is being changed around, the poles moving, or its orbit being bumped. It might be a bomb. Between an old writing and the kind with J. I must be sure to be able to take it with me. Came over the road and grassy ditch, Annabel sleeping, in a red skirt, just under the wire, her bum up and round, when she gets up and walks around, she's big, tall, more authoritative, I'm walking with things, small things like clearing out an old house, to where J is sleeping among things, at the end of the field. Seeing packing the things. My father saying "when the children leave for the winter" in a way so I know we all come home for the summer. Distress being when something's not understood or had been wrongly set up - morality terms. First name meaning gender, second name meaning race. First name meaning a place, second name meaning a language. Two: from the forked provenance. Distress - pulled two ways, away-pulling-toward. Recurring - in bed - a slightness brief sense of something wrong in this time - I can't refind it now - it isn't the terror of attachments, but I think it is also in relation to death - it is closer to a sense of trivialness - "You're going wrong" - or being in dishonesty. Around 1500 Caxton. He learned his native tongue on the Kentish wold. Many apologies for his rude and symple englyssh, lack of curious gay terms of rhetoric an unstabilized vernacular the rapidly changing nature of English eloquence had traditionally been associated with the classical languages could not be discovered in the mother tongue Having got gender criticism, class criticism, meditation experience, fertility religion clarified and text sensitivity. deficiency seems to lie not in meaning but in the literary qualities of grace and majesty I wisshed, many mo to be parteners of such sweetnesse, as I had partly felt myself: and to declare, that I ment nolesse, than I wisshed: I laid to, my helping hand. Nicholas Grimald A breefe and most easie introduction to the astrologicall iudgment of the starres While the inhabitants of our cuntrie neither encumbred their braines with much studies, neither bussied their heads with great trafik, neither pleased their fantsies with far travell, theie used no other terms, then such as their own nede enforced them unto, which being allwaie fed with home occasions desired no help of foren tungs, to utter those things with their words which were deuised without their wits. When the minde is fraught with matter to deluir, it is still in pain untill it have deliured, and therefor to haue the deliuerie such, as maie discharge the thing well, and content all parties, both by whom and to whom the matter is deliuered, it seketh both home helps, where theie be sufficient, and significant, and where the own home yeildeth nothing at all, or not pithie enough, it craueth help of that tung, from whence it reciuved the matter of deliuerie. Mulcaster Elementarie From the Portuguese store hearing the voice I'd spoken to the boy in, the voice I hear taped, beautiful, unusual, lighter than I think, supple: "Why did I hear it, why don't I usually." Coming through the brick park looking at color. "I don't hear it because I'm looking." Attention isn't in strata but the attention in looking is with attention in meaning - having seen him bridle, forcing him in disadvantage through the question about Io - the looking became that tracking too - does he understand what I mean - "Is look like - banana bread." [Roland Barthes by Roland Barthes] "A kind of training ground, a topic." Friends. This new subject whose theory is to be sought for today: the friends form a network among themselves and each must be apprehended there as external/internal, subjected by each conversation to the question, where am I among my desires, where am I in relation to desire. I can tell by my embarrassment that the imaginary is very close at hand: I am getting warm. Caught in analogy Figure of social writing Scenes of language Mystique of creation A bad value of language: an arrogance Any way of speaking adapted to appearance opinion (practice) Drifting habitation The treatise is a falling. A meaning bathed in light, as in a dream, where I keenly perceive the anguish, the excess, the imposture of a situation, much more acutely than the story that is taking place there. - I refer that to her. The times I begin writing the note having it in a simple acknowledgement, and then in writing find myself in another person, more critical, seeing it more complex, and in what has been developed in writing here. It's the second person I associate with her, as if taking the more knowing position I take her position, although when I'm writing it I feel it as what I've made. Figures of making-writing, operators - evaluation, naming, double-meaning, listing out, liking. in order to account to himself for the feeling of insecurity which possesses him today and still more perhaps the vague torment of a recession toward the minor thing, the old thing he is when left to himself . Wanting to leave out commas. Journals being discredited and he concurs. The image-system is experienced thus: everything that I want to write about myself and that it embarrasses me (finally) to write. learning to not be caught more known than knowing as if I am fetishizing the inside of my head Whatever way you give yourself a hard time, take it as the father. the sexual game of ostentation, every well-formed meaning by which I turn around as well as I can in a narrow place. I am wedged in. I struggle between the hysteria necessary to write and the image-repertoire, which over sees, controls, purifies, banalizes, codifies, corrects, imposes the focus and the vision of a social communication. What he write proceeds from a corrected banality. the writing of happy sexuality reader starts from the banal opinion which is in him. Because he does not want that stereotype he looks for something else: habitually. counter-relations with the stereotype-familial a pure language tactic systematically goes wherever there is a thickening of in order to protect myself and at the same time offer myself One would grasp the sexual personality of each body, the way each sexuality immediately lets itself be read. Paranoia - he means worry about every social relation 'You' and 'he' mobilize paranoia. Devices for not showing the fertility compulsions and the way I've been looking for them to be the structure of work, as sequence, and then manifest observation to be the pleasure it is in just that location. Then work is mainly holding, getting back, rather; the focus in sensation, ie branching off the formed circuit staying longer, pushing through. Writing in such a way that what you describe isn't testable against any experience.
I take this present period of our English tung to be the verie height therof, bycause I find it excellentlie well fined, both for the bodie of the tung it self, and for the customarie writing therof, as either foren workmanship can give it glosse, or as homewrought hanling can give it grace. When the age of our peple, which now use the tung so well, is dead and departed ther will be another sucede, and with the peple the tung will alter and change. Whatsoever shall becom of the English state, the English tung cannot prove fairer, than it is at this daie, and the more to be honoured because it is their own. 1582 Mulcaster Spelling habits were to some extent personal with each individual. Elizabethan.
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