| dames rocket 5 part 6 - april 1977 | work & days: a lifetime journal project |
[Opposite side:
Get Janeen here Remember to write the Love Club Movie of roofs, each with ecology of sky I need a tripod For that tv [is this for video shot with Bruce Davis?] - do the picture quick - then long slow shots of the parts - then the shot again - have to bury the shot in an ordinary section, do a backward or stops ____ ____ ____ shots - the sound edited in a certain way so that when I pick the microphone up the sound stops and I say a syllable? It goes hop hop hop stop back and then to the closeup / closeup / closeup / closeup / then the original or maybe braid the closeups, a game of recognition confirmation or not. - She knows the structure of her own inside. Having got this far, partake in making the form of the life. Mu tea. Go. Music. [pranayama notes untranscribed] This morning. I come home at dawn (before) with the softfaced travelers on the bus, through the city the lights holding up bridges with buses on, wet shine black brilliant she left in bed soft little Trudy the way her breasts are a harder feel than her shoulders she was so little and near snuggling pushing we in and out of each other murmuring sighing talking love in that time she let me slip my forefinger in and out pressing with my tongue and oh good for her too, cries and whispers, no no no she says at last I say and it could go on like that until it's so sharp it hurts and I let it hurt and that lets me through. This morning kissy goodbye and Luke waking as I clump up the steps and making toast turning off the light to see the blue outside light past the plants / going to bed. Luke awake looking at books - Luke trying to wake me and missing me Nellie coming up the steps Cheryl on the phone Luke refusing to go to school Josie calling about the thermostat Luke in a corner on the porch Luke calling Daphne Roy irritated I call Daphne I call Cheryl back. I tell Nellie the story of how I put on and took off my boots at different times and Trudy's game. "You and Ellie have to lie down and hold each other and tell each other a story. Then it's your turn to direct." Spin the bottle until everybody gets a chance to kiss everyone. Nellie soft and mussy up all night talking in bed with Barb, coffee at the table, reading in uniform, thinner and peaceful. Dreamy. Cher-yl, shapechanger triangle hawk head last night little beak great well-cut eyes, "Plaid shirt has to come back here," gets up puts on her coat Trudy slapped her face - I looked for her and leaned to her. Her story of the walk, essences. - Spicer
Whirls of discourse Are they ghosts, my friends, Japanese demons, I suspect them because they exist too precisely in the shape of my desire. Paul on the phone talking about how I pick up stones for him and he does for me. But we get lost. Mentioned to Cheryl about the Intelligence (which is gone now) and she said "And that's only started." The Overdrive. Overmind. The Forebrain. - The rink OF renc ring, ringk Scot course, race Getting a hit
Maybe I do have to help him be born more ruthlessly - his obedience, passivity - it is scary - seen - gently The concept of fear and the ordinary mind are one and the same thing She ingests the wavy snake into her Mind creates problems then seems to deal with them The ordinary mind can never determine the nature of the ordinary mind. Only the ordinary mind worries about losing itself. The centre. We're not there, telling ourselves we are. Is this true? All the great works of art are conceived and executed from the centre. Who am I meditation The social responsibility for allowing somebody to stay/be strong
Meditation without seed - stop thinking Granulation Our sensory experience turns out to be a floating condensation on a swarm of the indefinable If we could permanently change the relation of ourselves to space, our scale, and make 'it' bigger would we? A helplessness. [upside down in black: Grandpa Epp on his bike I see him from the window getting off sitting on a bench] - [acid notes on a separate page here, Good Friday, which was April 8 in 1977] I would say to myself, tell the story later, not while it is happening. I wanted to trust memory that way to have a cleaner inside could I be Balzac or one of those big barrel prolific writers in my body made for energy There was a big flurry and I said to myself, intoxicated: I found my community, at last, I'm home. Like Roy, at last, it's him. And then was marked with lies and panic at the thought of finding out the lies. And then could not see what was in front of me, because what was in front of me was not community, but strangers occasionally sending signals with handmirrors. Before I ever have a community I have to show myself visible in this place where I am a stranger I have to set my home around me so that strangers can come into it. Hospitality. And have to accept the old isolation of this person, how there aren't many who can know her, get back the fever loneliness as well as the vision.
I understand sin. It is whatever damages the being; but I still don't know what is sin, it's utterly pragmatic. The greatest sin / ie the greatest damage / would be to disregard experience, that's the sin against the spirit. That still leaves contradiction. They say true things and don't understand them.
Oh, oh, so love, I love you so much, both, Cheryl, psychologist, "My pain is that I need to hold you" said Trudy for us both. "Talking to you, the whole time, there's that pain." 'God' outside is a way of serving the self without having to feel selfish / mystics' lives of service to the lord their soul, being. Feel like my twenty years immersed in world have been like learning words for this pleasure of now writing with them. Also getting slowly experienced enough in leaving the idea of myself. The weirdness of us, our lives, their dissociation is in life being at this point much more interesting and formed than art, and therefore - it must be art not life, and how do I keep up with it. Negotiations: Trudy wants to come see me she wants skin / Cheryl / T phones and says 'she' doesn't want anything to do with 3. The wrong idea of a person. When I dreamed Roy's incapacity I mourned because I could not conceive that I had chosen it and could love and play with it, I didn't know how strong I could be, but that was because I had never been seen in a way to show me so I could believe. It was that place, was it the curse of that beautiful silent place to make the soul strong but lonely. The intermediate veiled person made her way in without showing herself and later showed a little only meanwhile building her veils deeper. Greg who was always veiled with me. I never touched a depth in him, Kennedy died and he cried, Olivia set his prick on fire and he and I colluded not to have a passion. He didn't see me. "Very beautiful" he said in a coy voice - what did the coy voice mean - that it hid feeling of another kind - inflamed jealousy, what was he doing with me - he was from a certain social class and that's still in me, Cheryl isn't but Greg was. In that strange country people far apart the soul very open, we were alone of our kind, the family, she wearing his confusion he wearing her power, she wise and flexible. Daphne says her story is the same one: the outsider. The tall woman with her kids. When Daphne came and I said "Will you introduce me to this person, who I don't know?" she said "You don't know me?" and in a hurry, "I don't know you either." It turned out she thought I was sucking up because she's Mrs de Courcy! With a furry green mole on her cheek. The story of the radio.
- Dreamed friendliness with your father. The thoughts that come in this half joint are interesting and feel taken out of the anxiety press but it's as if I haven't quite the energy for them. Writing thinking makes me slow. All the bondage of the forms I use to free myself! [Later: Cheryl's father short bald nose like hers friendly relaxed present and at ease in his eyes, very tanned, we were spending time together comfortably at home gathering.] About Luke. Messages. I should remember that when I have that tension of impatience to get into a book it's because I have no real presence at that moment and want to suck at naming the possibility of presence. Is there another way at that moment to get a presence? (I stopped here.) A. These hours of your life doing what maybe your mother taught you - Left, answer this one - remember every time you feel that necessity in Luke's presence to stop and refuse it - alarm bell - and retune - and find out about it. Questions. For example the approach of Gurjieff's psychology, Trudy's method, watch yourself - is it necessary in that grey world. Not grey but unspaced, chaotic, that's the meaning of chaos - but does it have power only because it refers to the Heart's Desire, but not because it actually is a way to be there - Milner's book better, it doesn't refer it records results of experiments. I've such a capacity for being stroked by reference, naming - My father stuck in having a partial awareness of waking, both in their different ways half woken people. Imagine a movie of roofs with little other things to tell their stories - tripod. Here's a plan - but what was it, yes, use the left hand suggestions when the being isn't great. Josie and I are taking on each other's preoccupations: we can invent that as the mirror - if I'm going to do that I have to not be haughty - these are - gobbling as a posture of unworthiness, kneeling faces up gobble gobble gobble down the host the name of the host gobbling gobbling the name of the lord on Easter Friday - - [not sure this goes here] Slept Sunday night in Josie's bed, read her bedside books a very little, slept uneasily and thick with dreams. Dreamed Josie changed her bed and came back, got into bed with me. A friendly sister ("and then what happened?" she said). Then found a woman asleep in the corridor a splendid old seventy year old woman a movement hero union organizer or something. Oh, Buddy Hardy! She'd found a sleeping bag and just rolled herself up in it. Another dream was going back to 52 Burghley Road and finding that Andy and others had opened up another room, opened fireplaces, whitewashed, made space, and then there was still another room painted blue that they had found underground, it was in lovely order. The garden had been lifted two stories up, I missed its ground level comfort. All around people were clearing and sorting piles of rubbish that seemed impossible to me, it was a courtyard in a London changed almost to Paris, I looked for and couldn't see landmarks. Today Josie and I cleared out corridor and basement. -
-
- Sound - rarefactions and compressions of an elastic medium, usually air Frequency - counting at a certain position [later: stepping on their stones]
- Is is wrong - anti-Aristotelian system - no such thing as is of identity "any map or language" Multiordinality ie words mean only in contexts: yes, yes Trudy and C: talk has not a lot to do with revealing private life, it is a game, volleyball, which generates social life. My faultline with them is the fear they'll decide I'm stupid. Aphasia - Greek speechlessness Moreover the aphasic patient in his mode of life, in his acts and in all his behavior may seem biologically and socially normal. But he has nevertheless suffered an unquestionable loss, for he no longer has any chance of undergoing further modifications of social origin, and of reacting in his turn as a factor in evolution and progress.
He proposes that our language, even by its structure, does violence to our nervous system, our being, and not just social oiliness. Ie not confusing objective and verb level / subject-predicate language He says "attaining silence on the objective levels" Luke could be such a resource if I could only bear him Copying - posture (notice myself doing that when I'm lost) or attuning What do I want to know of C (what transformation have you been through have your ideas changed, your sexuality, did you do it on purpose, was it me completed it?
|