aphrodite's garden volume 2 part 1 - 1985 july-august  work & days: a lifetime journal project

inner play of finer movements
revolves about the axis of a river
two spiraling streams lying next to each other
 
laminar movement     boundaries     lamelli
every water basin's period of vibration
 
around becomes oscillation
a wave shadow behind obstruction, 'template'
 
movements don't exclude each other
 
vortex the organ of mingle     gearing of speed of currents
boundary surfaces with their rhythmical processes
 
living circulations
 
convection - transfer of heat in gas or liquid, by currents from unequal temp and concentration, unequal densities
meteorological, thermal process     atmosphere circulation maintained by up or down transference of air masses
conduction - heat, sound, or electricity transferred through matter without motion of conductor as a whole
 
obstacle creating a dividing surface that oscillates, ie 4d shadow
 
which is separated by a very clear dividing surface from the surrounding water
 
the outline of any form can be created by the interplay of currents
 
source, sink and current
"open up the water as a sense organ" - water when shaken, vortices open to cosmos - water when warmed opens itself, forms vortices more easily
 
intucking
 
number of points depends on the speed of the originating jet
the element it must move in is the container that forms it
 
waves sorting to reverse     long, fast
 
what holds me to looking at currents
 
optically tunable velocity of motions
 
by that old bridge, where the waters marry
 
any bestirred complex system
 
everything in the universe in motion
following direction of least resistance
 
swiftly to interstabilize
 
the streaming air
 
a wood of conifers breaks up the air into tiny vortices, vast extents of surface
 
wherever in a landscape these ascending and descending currents meet, such invisible surfaces arise, delicately turbulent curtains
 
a whole lifetime of daily weather observations
 
core of the tower of cumulous
air rises in each tiny flake of cloud and falls again at its edge
 
every sound wave bears with it a delicate rhythmical heat process
 
corresponding 'leaves' are formed in the air by the winds like trailers behind the real leaves
 
air thus combed through and filled with humming vibration is indeed sensitive
 
each sound imprints itself on such sensitive streams
 
as though flame were a delicate sense organ like an ear
 

Theodor Schwenk Sensitive chaos: the creation of flowing forms in water and air, trans Olive Whicher Anthroposophic Press
 
13 July 1985

In past two days the little more able to be calm and awake, touches breast and other things, grabs hair and clothes.

This evening 6 to 11:30 never firmly enough asleep to stay in his bed. I escaped to newspaper but there's no free time. This morning he was awake from 4:30. Lay next to me crying until 5:30 then slept some. After bath falling asleep when I remembered having to go to the bank. Wandering in Chinatown dangerously riding with him, head rolls back and sways.

The ways care and time have changed without J. Not having the morning sleep I'm older, stupider. Don't have the clear quiet morning because he hasn't been out. Michael patiently carrying him all afternoon but I lose an hour of my 2 hour stretch traveling to him, feeding, talking to M. Evening is completely gone to him. 3 hrs sleep (two and a half), maybe another, maybe less and broken. In the day maybe a nap.

- Italian wedding music [from the Ukrainian Hall], a baby. It's toward midnight Saturday.

The wake motion from our stop is coming in now. The way I apparently foolishly, by not being able to keep off Michael's body, left my faithful friend, collapsed her investment, brutalized her, broke her fragile love for the baby. The eloquent crying for our unable bodies. "Confidence destroyed."

I miss seeing him with her, being able to collate.

Anger as if it was she who left. That's what I'm wondering. As if she arranged to have me leave. I behaved with honour, she needed to say.

Yes I say bitterly. I'm saying, you were realizing the exhaustion, time to transfer to the single life. Realizing I have no time to look after her now.

In the van when she said Michael should help more since it's no use anyway. Both of us acting as if we knew our time was going to be up. When she'd say we were going to raise a child together, I'd keep silence, I didn't believe. Uneasy when she wrote her parents, wondering whether to supervise, keeping silent often, the stress and wrongness. "Vainglorious." Jerk, crash, ritualism, busyness, affability, accident, mad schemes like buying and planing maple, crises.

Dear unworldly one -

You too, wonderful Michael. Says if the baby stays in the pouch the whole time he doesn't get

the settling sense of the right direction

frightened. I fly on the bike through the heat - it was he who moved near - to his hotel - climb the green stairs amid red doors, hear the baby crying, walk in and undo my breasts. And there's this unknown friend looking like someone who lives in another world from most, the tall thin people with beautiful hands, hard limbs, old clothes on the most distinguished frame - oh dryhair starved face. I'm too licentious with him, starved, and he's an innocent who wants it to be his mom and dad in love.

15

Drugs - I drink strong tea and he doesn't sleep and I sometimes abandon him in stress.

Jacob's room - speed of her turns - precision (stamina) - surprise - ego by-pass - economy.

Donna Zapf. Dangerous to have a baby. "I live by my wits. I make my living by talking." Woolf's brittleness [she says]. She dewy.

Tea and vision of competition. Every day working a different sense of power balancing. Today it's I took the moment to leave her ("You chose the father well") because I was set into bitter determination after her winter with them.

And the long account with T, humiliation makes mean.

Meanness is a defeat but paralysis was too.

16

A switch on or off. You look like a different person.

The touching that's a pay-off.

It isn't that it's - a heart plea - so much of my own kind - for it to be real.

Hear myself pleading with her.

The moment lying down when I feel the heart - fear in solar, pain in throat -

Oh quiet arrive -

Haze and cloud in opal - that northern sky now where we both can see it - dear one I'm defending myself from our accusing - the calamity happened to both - that's only after Shireen phoning

the founder of the garden which these sheets so miraculously recreate

and Sandy's voice - to recover our best way - the glow through the eyes that is the same best way with him -

I say I'm feeling the heart center open - he with tears squirting on my cheek says "That's what I'm working toward." How different the world looks when we're - his images - am I going to be without again - but the electric melt and little squeaks, I couldn't refuse to find -

Further in love stiller with you.

Why Cupid is a baby.

An early morning in the streets with him. White flicker moths into the green and shadow of the tops of the pines. The humming bird at Diana's scarlet runner, grub body squirming, wing blur transparent and head stock still. Materialized and then shot away

longshot toward south
horizontal light from west
woman in early 50s dress walking fast
camera sees whole of area
then overtakes her, hurries ahead of her to the church. All the way pan details, ditch, rosebushes, dead tree, bridge, neighbour
 
children walking, ahead, behind
 
spoken scenario
 
children walk home
elf house under roots
dinner table, pigs
salesman
seizes and whups, pee their pants
satin dresses portrait
makes a love play
spoken scenario
 
moving picture
still picture
 
voice speaks
voice reads
 
handwritten
typed
 
sounds
 
dark
 
sky colour inter
 
singing
 

How is she now - the juggler with 2 pentacles, ships riding big curves. Harmony in the midst of change.

The Indian cotton shirt left in my closet.

Small things come to be known.

17

What's the truth of whether I want / am willing for her with the baby.

She comes into the downstairs hall, says she asked T how we were upstairs, she said 'passed' - I thought it meant I'm passed on to Michael, whose form shows at the door. Past. Fright.

Then Rhoda from her door, urgent voice, to Jam, "You have to --- -- ---." Means, you have to assemble the whole picture.

Do I want to be completely passed on.

What am I afraid - that I've failed a test and am chuted - punished for an inferiority - to get smaller means to lose you - what is the you I lose - what is the inferiority - that I want physical simple direct warm - the hand on my head - what I give - "but he's large" - I cdn't override - or because I did override.

Her advice was always, be complex. Michael's, be simple.

say word, give picture

The baby's crying. I don't want to lift him. He's a blank. If I don't feel his feeling, I don't know anything.

Lying down, joyful sinking, then he cries again.

Mornings not staggering but a jolt in the light as I reach the door.

A musician said, the quality of the silence when he stops.

Hanging onto Jamila's distinction brought me into such poverty that now my husband is a skid.

"She was so elated when she shared with us, 'I'm going to adopt a baby with Ellie.'"

He returns some of what I lose with her.

And beyond him maybe.

If we were going to write our story I would keep bringing it back to the porch, this one or the one downstairs.

Quickbeam, the quicken, rowan or mountain ash. Delight of the eye, namely luisiu, flame. Rowen, regain. A second crop of grass or hay. Isa. Caerthann "like a forest."

I want to hear your story because it's mine.

18

8 weeks yesterday. Holding him to feed in the night, his hand on my other breast so light and calm. Awake at 4:30. Sleeping on my chest 'til 5:30 sweating. On his stomach next to me, with my hand on his back 'til 6:30. Then feed and sit and we go in the bath. I wrap him and feed him again. He closes his eyes in the crook of my arm. Sleeps 'til. Eats. Falls asleep on my belly as I'm listening to Gzoski. Michael in yellow shorts. Gone by 11.

Last evening on the porch. His night crying much less and then asleep on my lap. I tell M why I want his stories, he draws his legs up, wraps his arm over them, in the broken wicker chair.

When we walked alongside the USS Cape Cod, women sailors,

an inner structure of thought

panties riding high, stringing canvas on a high deck, sashaying off duty. Battleship grey.

Long time suffering that you could enchant me by skill. What I had to enchant you with seemed illegitimate or common.

When I say why I want it in me not trying / skill outside, what happens is he cries that he's afraid I'll leave him.

19

I say I want to be in wonder and learning as I've sometimes been. He, I want to live more in a way so I could die anytime.

Prancing animal feathery legs, comes dancing and slow cooking because 2 drawings. Valhalla Lake. A giant baby, a giant wiggy, a little woman.

Yoga. Going into the old exercises tests the returned body. Thicker strength. Balances, able. On the varnished floor feeling like -

the churching of women, thanks for safe return
 
decimal series is up to 9, therefore number of completion
 
the prenatal: foundation

Last night Michael a madman cunning starved says last time before I left him he was decided to kill me. I remember that was why I left then. I forgot, now he's at the point of it again.

20

Morning pain. Evening pain. When I'm alone with the baby. Last night terror. That's a screaming inside the throat. After going to the Carnegie together. I'm very bad to be ashamed of you. The girl who rose. Why did she have to fall.

21

I was hating her. Crying.

The long morning. Pain so much I don't look at him. Escaping into story.

Given a rest. His alert time touching and looking naked in the bath.

learning how to meet any kind of being

Cheryl last visit at the Vegetable Patch. My steady grey friend with fine eyes. Hears me out though as always it's much. We walk through the new construction on the tracks. I trust her to show her who I'm working with. She that the newborn is everything around. Daphne's view of him and her. That I bumped Jam because I didn't want to do it with her, her way. That they keep gathering for group mind altered states. That she doesn't do the work she loves most. She imagines painting, because she wants to figure out how it works. We get from some social accommodating further into mental pleasure, walking in the heat. She's carrying plastic bag of infant development books, I under arm-damp rim the padded bag of her photos of Jam and me. Talking fast and loud coming to a stop at the corner. Continuing, blind except to immediate road.

22

In Michael's room:
I'm back in the stream.

The many likings, last night my fingers not imitating on his little penis, what's that kind of touch, alert, only the small oval pads. How are they light and very deep pressure. He said You're a genius!

Keep being in double dialogue with you, don't want to see you, want to account everything I hate about you, hold every way I don't want you having the baby.

Working to get the breasts back.

On an evening like today, the cigarette smell, man foot sweat smell, his look - I'm thinking

the monk
the lifelong friend

I like you but what is it wrong with you, something I'm peering at, is it a state, is it a kind of damage I don't know to recognize -

23

Chose him as my kind of writing, detail of the pleasures of dancing

Kay Rowen
Not certain about Mor

Sets - other people - programs induced and can be run - are

25

Both less in pain in mornings

You are the one I report to
Tree stript

26

When he comes home in the afternoons his brown pink skin and clear interested eyes.

Michael woke this morning happy to be. Every morning a picture. Every afternoon he lives with the baby. Some evenings we sit on the north porch, the baby falls asleep in my arms or his, the sky colors. When it's dark we lie down quietly. One time it was the true heart opening, the other times are only limbs and trunks. I worry about Jam.

Hello Robert somewhere -

Sitting in heart's confusion, so much has come and gone. A costly failure rewarded by happiness, catastrophe brought on, its consequences turning over all down the line -

A frightened baby brought through the worst of it, a friend shocked, and here's an unexpected husband giggling in yellow shorts.

And then my friend Jamila crazy with how much she wanted to be a father - who looked after the sickly end of the pregnancy, was there lying at my back through the labour, roomed with us the first week, paid the midwife, walked with the baby every dawn so I could sleep - was displaced. Thinking of it is like screaming.

war broke out against the animals

27

Going with the little to get him out for morning coffee. Crossing the room naked, the shape. The beautiful hotel corridor. At the Golden Horse his kind happy small eyes with rays.

We are in the middle room sewing and vulgarly laughing when the motor stops in the lane. Who is it with her. Looking north. "Rhoda is lighting a cigarette." The jumblesale teeshirt that was already past my time (the way her house was). Trudy in a dress-up shirt and purse gets into the van and they drive away.

28

Almost dark. The award for a painting of a horse and rider rearing into clouds. With --- --- being the fastest skater on the race ring in the gravel pit. And that he failed grade two. Another face and mouth visible then, he covers his mouth. "And you'll be staying with us for another year." Crying, "half a doughnut."

I felt so near him then. Further on, when he was interested in the subjects, he couldn't read the assignments or write the little pieces. "Let's take off our clothes and get into bed." I fall asleep. We wake at one, lively

Just provide the ships, or suitable sails for the air of the heavens, and there surely will be men without fear of the horrible void. Let us therefore devise an astronomy for the courageous travelers as if they were already at the door, I, that of the moon, you Galileo, that of Jupiter. Kepler correspondence

wedding dance at the Ukrainian Hall.

The baby feeds steadily one breast then the other touching my side with his hand. Monkey Michael puts his arms around us.

Sunday morning. The good days, so open to sky's force, dawn. The dormer I see from bed, looking east, is all clear before the sun rises, even, and I take the baby out into the sea of fire. I was in hatred and now pain. And wonder.

The way Michael loves. Wondering whether I've been so uneasy with Jam and them and Roy because they did

the realm of absolute solitude
doesn't try to realize self in the truth of absolute solitude
wisdom to penetrate created
compassion to stay and mature fellow creatures
 
the world of absolute solitude
 
try again the world after she no longer believed in other people
the world when she didn't try to make other people
the world when she didn't believe what they said
 
giving up work for other people
on the contrary becoming considerate of plants

always patronize me. Jam you didn't know it. You always had to overarch. You didn't take me as equal. When I tried for who I wd have been equal to, it was always unstable unreal pained protesting. He loves the way I do.

Crying to see my ground again. I've given her hers too. The way her bargain was I'll have you if you let me play man. The way my voice would go high. Then her contempt when I was off balance in it. Vengeance when I outright said no. The spitting dream.

Helmer. Not to be proud but to see that he loves because he knows. Becoming smaller is this.

In J file only one of the letters. Not the flame of the forest.

I have to give her $2500.

29

The turn brought M's escape. There's brittleness, is it true the way I feel my escape too, from her and them and the way I went on not liking myself. What am I closing the way to. Doubling back.

Rudha-an the red one. in the Highlands planted beside farm buildings to ward witches.

Why don't I like it sounded - I like it mentally sounded. Roan.

lid bubble
 
spots at first, ride up from rim
colors in sequence form complicating swings up from the horizon, oscillating abrupt spiral and release, partly unwind, arms across
 
or the whole rotated rapidly
orange streaming up from behind spruce
 
iridescence from interference of reflections from two surfaces, depends on thickness in wave length, thinner more brilliant except at the thinnest, unreflective, black, before burst

The dream where he said he was Luke.

Writing notes, sending his photo and name. What's wrong in it.

Only that I'm covering shock. I wasn't shocked, the pose took care of it, and then there was only a defiance on the left side of thoughts. Her pose and then the distaste when he came near.

31

Hate. Defeat, loss, failure, slander, dishonour.

What in myself is the hatred about. It says, love.

My whole story of the rainbow love Valhalla card. Fate.

What's the true way to stand in relation to her. Necessity.

What is the outcome. 10 cups

1st August

10 weeks yesterday. When I sang into his face his body squirmed singing too. Squeals came out the mouth.

Lying in the bath getting warmed from journey in the rain, I fold down from the waist to put my face near him and sing in the warm echo chamber.

the figure of the balancing one

M is kneeling on the kitchen floor peeling potatoes. Shoulders and flanks. The white shirt. A trusting elation. Yesterday standing after sundown on MacLean Park grass looking at children running like the house martins. Not visible full moon. The beautiful smile of the nine year old Chinese boy, light like Luke. A little girl standing to cry with wide mouth and arms hung down "like someone singing the national anthem at a hockey game." M watching the littler one in a long dress comforting her, four little f.o.b.s standing in a group wherever they are. We stand like statues, I put my face on the back of the shirt, feel warm through it. The kids run nearer when we aren't looking at them. The baby sleeps. The way the boy smiled when he saw me see him skid, I felt I've come out of my wrongness, I'm not banned anymore. I'm not ugly anymore.

When we were lying down M was seeing the group of children walking. Liking how he took an imprint like I know.

Looking another way.

Jam in her dismantled house. The appalling thing I've done. What I see is her holding

holds that there are

the newborn bundle - her baby.

Is that why my memory is so thin.

When I see it, at the end of the whole story, I stand in shock like the little girl with her mouth open.

2

Sitting in rain twilight he eating I telling.

Looking at each other seeing the racial types. A harsh father in the clothes I say of 1700, he of the 13 and 14 hundreds. I imagine him seeing the small dark woman of a household. Later standing in his arms in the bathroom I see someone else, I saw him when he'd talked about failing grade two, it's a smaller darker softer face, steadier and younger. Just now wondering is it Rowen.

I need to write teaching myself.

The flux of persons. Structure of time.

"No distinction between child and parent on the unconscious level."

4th

This Sunday - wanting to see the longer story of these 10 years ending.

The way I was with Jam in the last years resentful and helpless.

In the first years, frightened.

I didn't learn her without rage at giving over.

the gods invented like family members

They understood that the earth was an entity like themselves. The people built the flesh of the plant into their own. The other entity was the sun.

These universal entities were their real parents. The lines signified that a spiritual home as well as a temporal home had been prepared for it on earth.

compared to a book about a homeland

6

Ashamed of M, not wanting Ammi to see him.

He's ashamed of me in front of Becky. "'So you settled for this?' I could have found someone with more life than you but not so strong on the outside." Looks, education. "All you do is think all day, you don't do anything."

7

Diffidence. Am far drawn back again.

How can I be ashamed of anyone who sits as beautifully as you do. At the window. He was in love today, an old woman, a moment of light on Hastings. He and the baby looking in each other's eyes. The baby's cries of joy.

His kicks in the bathtub: wild swimmer.

Playing retard with him.

A silly dream of the man bent over singing Now let the king sit down. The audience can't sing for trying not to crack up. I and my mother next to me. (God save the queen.)

These evenings I get in the water, he sits by the tub talking and playing. Then he goes home.

Dear universe - help me
(I do - I sent help)
Yes - but now stop the way I waste -

8

The gardener in blue overall Choy sent with ideas to transform the garden - all green lawn - 3 white-flowering bushes - I'm shouting and crying about my little plants.

Up and down Burghley Rd trying to find my house where I left the baby, back again from the corner. It must have been here where the houses are rubbled, climbing over brick and plaster, an apartment in the back, a covered wall, might be mine, but the people who live there are still there sitting in chairs.

The baby wakes me. Again in a very broken night.

9

In a class, library, messing around. I'm behind, can't do this stuff. When they go out I grab a bar from the ceiling, start acrobatic poses, just legs stretched parallel to the floor, but then further

often come to others in the dream condition and help dreamers by forming images to be bridges and gateways
 
these messages from one system to another occur in various ways continually

gull's balance.

The beautiful pose [sketch] I see reflected, doubled, outlined on the window, beautiful tits with nipples.

Wake sexy.

Sleeping again with Rowen in pink sleeper, white blanket, in my arm, I dream a space like a train station. Something happening, a turbaned man in a beautiful green silk coat embroidered with red runs south, followed by another like him, running and maybe bowing, their prayer time beginning. The embroidery in a wide band under the arms.

I make my way toward that end, it's seeming

gravity
coherent density
zone not point
interattracted fallings-in

like a mosque with different colorful religions set up every few yards: a man drawing on a blackboard, fine little white line drawings of a lot of things, a line through in the air. The woman standing speaking in acrobat tights is saying perhaps that she no longer walks the wire - since he's there?

A huddle of another kind of religion, I'm sitting gogging at. They simply shove me out, I must have been on their carpet.

Down at the far end, the acrobat woman again saying she's too fat now to go up in the air, showing her limbs. It would be dangerous. But it isn't the same woman. I see her behind, she looks fresh and beautiful.

the mass of a body becomes infinitely great when it reaches the velocity of light

Biting fingernails.

Saturday 10th

Simon and Garfunkel. Silk scarf belt, you dance so well. A moment of sun from the west window. Yellow door and raincoat on the banister post, light up the hall, that shines into the blue room. You kindle too.

Let's go lie down you say in your best voice.

I'm sad. The red shirt. Dancing with Jam at Press Gang, complete joy when she could and would.

11

An exam essay - feeling how I used to mobilize in front of it to a wide grip - it's flabby now, doesn't seize, doesn't move forward.

Send him away with the baby - lie down - morning pain - it's not Jam it's Trudy - that was meaning the way she got me working and feeling.

When I wake the blue van is downstairs.

Heart is a black clamour.

Feeling her the mentat magician - at the next playoff - I didn't keep myself sharp with her - I didn't sustain.

turned the machine toward
 
To seriously find out what work
To be certain what to work in now

Watching her as an enemy

Another sense that if she's taking it on I'll clarify too

What makes me susceptible to this war

They're downstairs now - imagining - ah - young self - taking everything with curiosity

In the tarot systems the way interests are filed together that I know separately but don't see the connection of.

The persons are stations.

He's crying with tears

Michael says he's hot.

algebra or geometrical construction or pictorial imagination
non-substantial mobile or ethereal processes

Last night the air song, long dark deep song. When I go to the window after a long time hearing it, it's a dirigible. Ponderous turn with lightbulb display running on its side.

We're laying him in the tub in water not too deep, letting him play. Kicks, strikes, can go on a half hour independently.

12

Burton died Aug 3rd.

That one - he's thin and strained - he's fair - he says the way I send him home in a nice voice is SICK and I'm STUPID and envious. He walks back and forth rocking the baby. I watch. He makes faces trying to find words for how INSANE I am.

weedworld and tadpoles, brown

This morning.

prescientific filing systems
the year
the lst year of conception, evolution
plasma-solid scale
color spectrum

Explains why fire thought an element

14

the mistakes of men minds:

masculine protest
prenatal imprint
equivalence filing systems
priest hierarchy maintenance
not including telepathy
bilaterality

King and queen are sperm and egg, that's why royalty is about babies

Adam and Eve are R and L

space age prevision

so as to tie up himself from that hectoring liberty that the brave spirits of the times accustom themselves to

[letter to Trudy] This door locks from both sides now.

You're anxious about your mail. I don't and won't interfere with it. You could put up a mailbox on the outside of the house, or have it addressed to Rhoda's, or I'll go on putting it under your door.

When it gets cooler we can negotiate about the thermostat.

If you burst this lock I'll put on a bigger one.

Your own basement key.

-

How much is it true that the sentences I 'hear' are also the sentences she's or he's also hearing.

- What if I listen to the voice.
- Or do we hear what the other is saying.

M: You're afraid that your image of her will be gone. You think you need contact with her actual self to have your image of her.

I was thinking of it as my program of her. That's what she didn't give me.

How competition is stealing. "I don't want to share the baby."

15

Does esoteric and degrees of initiation mean the material is not understood. - A rule that.

My sense of the 'trees' as one structure through all the eras of de-code.

Black dog shadow.

"You can have it [the thermostat]. I don't want that kind of heat anymore. I don't mean not paying the bill, but that kind of heat makes me too ill."

T: "Cheryl wouldn't have noticed you. I saw you first. You saw her."

She's saying: I knew Jam before you did. I'm saying: Take her, I don't thrive with her.

Chemical wedding of Christian R
 
working from or for the remote place that's never had its artist
 
the persons imagined or made
the persons known or been
the persons of early intimacy
 
making destinations
making wide instructions

Both J and I overspilt.

"Such a long loyalty" and break into sobs that make him sob so I stop.

"Walking through the whole night with the black dog. And white snow. The neighbours would go by that knew me ever since I was a baby. They'd say Michael what do you do out here all the time."

"I had lines [lions] going through my head and there was nobody there to help me." Sob sob.

He describes the two people. He knows right away.

fare     to go, to journey, ferry ford porous

Completely different. A memory of pain, mechanical. Identifying with the thoughts. You're not using thought. Ego making its nest.

Perverse bad art, no joy, no giving.

16

I think what's coming in tarot study is a discrimination of state - the state not the person.

Morning instruction with cards.

Speed - he grumps.

I lie down, stiff body, count it down to electromagnetic swarm, swirling in head. A phrase. An image of looking under the bed upside down.

Take him on my back on the bike. Woodwards.

Evening get pained and lonely alone in the darkening house with my enemy. Music. The glorious west.

He sat listening to Wagner when he was in wild emotion. We lie singing notes. The quiver in the feet at some interval.

Go out. The trunk and leaves of the young maple. "Do you see how much space it's in."

phane, combining form.
something resembling or similar to (a specified substance or material)
Gk phanes, phaein to shine, phainein to show
phaino I show, phaneros visible
opposite: crypto phanerogam
fancy fantasy phainomenon
diaphaninein
epiphainein, epi to
but profanus, fanum temple

18

M's complaint. Goes home hissing suck-hole, ass-hole.

What am I doing with M     lovers
With J     high priestess, attention
With T     8 cups, withdrawal

The new moon. Our mood will change.

When he came around the corner and saw the moon suddenly, that it's a mirror.

This afternoon's session. I saw J. A corridor and room with sun, Hong Kong.

19

Fear and helplessness, having no will no past no future to protect him. Looking at the baby.

He says I wd be sexual again if I released the way my brain is biting onto something.

Oh! I stop feeling when Jam isn't there looking after me.

I'm afraid of social degradation. I'm afraid to seem to be married to you. Married to an inferiority.

Offensive: the way I eat. Want to make sure it's dead. Microsecond flick at my foot.

I see him in the taboo - is it hopeless because of that.

His drawings coherent and fine now.

"Do you notice the part of my brain you want me to give up is the part I'm better at than you?"

fable: s/he opened the door of paradise and went back in
something had made her remember it was there

20

Dawn pain.

Tarot questions:

What's my relation to the copper T.
What's the result to my spirit if I have it.
What is the --- to my being as an artist.
What does the little boy need.
Can I still be an artist.
What wd be needed so I could still be.
What do I need to be in care and openness.
What about the beautiful movie.
How do I find this death.
What is the actual alternative to going to him.
What's my relation to death.
If I'm not in control what is.
What is my best course in the next 4 months.
Joyce.
Alberta.

the king's daughter has all her glory from her inwardness
 

 

part 2


aphrodite's garden volume 2: 1985-86 july-march
work & days: a lifetime journal project