aphrodite's garden volume 19 part 6 - 1994 march

work & days: a lifetime journal project

6th March 1994 Hi. (quizzical and affectionate) You're putting me through this. Why are you looking superior? Who is? Let's go for a walk. Ahh (forehead cramp) Where? Let's go to Richmond. Take a sweater and camera. - Rob - it seems self-pity, is it that     Are you saying it is a kind of self hate     It repels me. That's conditioning. Do you mean it is alright     It is a hurtness that has got crooked. Was I trying to hurt him     no Am I right that unconscious manipulation is as bad if not worse     He wants to think himself innocent     Does that go together with self pity     no Belonging to victim camp     Self pity is a habit of helplessness. What do I need to know here     losses His losses? Was he made passive     Can I help    no, he has to decide He is so stuck, in his way. Is he more stuck than K     K has to grapple with someone and then he'll be on his way. We both do. K doesn't feel sorry for himself, his defense is blindness, blind bashing. But this: he hasn't called, he's with S, she gets to be love woman, I mustn't call him again, the story is over, and - it says - so much the better. Then the phone. It's Luke. Came back because he wants to work and be settled. Then my irascible man [K] - the courses I despise, he says - his camera broke - he's mailing out descriptions of his bagpipes stolen from the mail - everything has been going wrong for him ever since - oh, I don't know when, he says - he was going to say, since he left here. I'd like to lay my eyes on you, I say. (Do I despise them? Yes.) He wants to smash things. How did I do     you dominated him I didn't know what to do when I saw he was going to be grumpy - what should I have done     felt his losses I was trying to. Overall was he encouraged     yes I feel it's simple, is it     (silence) What has to happen     the structure between us has to shatter Could he feel my love     yes Did it mean anything to him     no What does he need instead     to take responsibility So what should I think of that    it's what men are like Am I off the hook     yes Taking Rob to the dyke. We're bush-watchers I said. The color of the branches different coming back than going. Facing the sun, twists of line, so-subtle drawings, colored tangles, a tree that explodes, yearling trees one color in the trunk and something else in the branches, lombardies' yellow tips slightly clubbed with bud or flower red against the blue. Baker's blue snow, a being of another sort, immaterial. The river like the river of the dream brown and choppy, fast. Then Mary's call. I fight with her in a whiney voice. She fights back in - what's that voice, obstinate - a resigned, obstinate voice - wants me to "be a daughter," family loyalty - she who had not the necessary loyalty to a two-year-old, and doesn't know what family loyalty is. It's alright if we live in a desert and there's a scarcity of grubs, I say. She says we do live in a desert. That is a good answer and yet family loyalty is no help in my desert. What she doesn't know is loyalty to a spirit. And I am not loyal to spirits either - but there is such a thing. I have always believed. Joyce is. Loyal to the good in someone, loyal to the real in someone. Mary's culture is not loyal to women - not loyal to individuals it says - family loyalty a refuge of the mediocre - cultural loyalty a refuge of the even lesser. Is it that she is stupider than I thought? Yes. What is implied by that? I need to know about her to know about love woman, because love woman is structured by her. Love woman is kind of stupid. My mother is a version of love woman, a stupid version. Stupid but has a lot of energy. That is where control comes in. But it is not ego that is to be in control. Ego comes into existence because children are not protected. The larger self is love woman grown up. 7 Then this: I wake at 3:30 talking to him. I write it. Go to sleep. Get up, take it to his post office. He's not there, but at the drugstore. Forget the stamp, have to go home for it. Rob phones to say Donna Williams is on. Drive back to Commercial listening to her. Sit in the car, want to hear it all. Emotional beauty, she says, which is meaning. As opposed to sensory beauty. (Sensory beauty is meaning too - also a meaning that must be worked for.) The interviewer presses. "The interview is over" she says, "You are like a dentist drilling relentlessly." Giggles. What did I say to him. That he's evading blockedness in love and work and doesn't like himself for that and things are going wrong because of it. Was that too direct? Then why did you tell me it was alright to mail it? Because it's a beginning. Will he see the care in it? No. Not yet. I said I am affected by him and honor his spirit. Will he feel anything abut that? No. That we are both afraid of domination control exploitation and brutalization. Will he feel that? No. What a difficult guy. Withdrawn. Because I cut him off? No. And then I said I was sorry and had liked going off the deep end. Will he like it that I was sorry? Yes. He'll like it that I admitted doing those things. Where I say, Are you hating this, will he say yes? Yes. Will he like it that I want to find him? Yes. He'll hate it that I said love from E, and like it too. Have I done everything I'm supposed to for now? Not quite. What? Feel how you're angry with him for not wanting you because you're not beautiful, fertile, conventionally feminine. I did that to get even? No. Help! Oppression - the way I am trying harder than he is. Saying it's because I'm more advanced. But really because he's more attractive. So then I just despair? I'm willing to make it true. There is a real power differential. My impulse if I recognize it is to give up. No my first impulse is to pursue. Second impulse too. So what should I do? Feel the heartbreak. I did feel it. I'm still feeling it. Rejection. On social grounds. That makes me want to clam up. Yes. Help! He isn't going to accept me. It's not that. Then what? Recover that part of it from childhood. The sense of social differential. So I don't act deferential. Or else rebellious. Can I work on this without Joyce? 'I'm not good enough for him'? No: 'he thinks I'm not good enough for him but I am.' Shatter the structure. What's my tool? Sylvia. See how it's in his manner and don't let him do it. Not that - don't be affected by it. Was I, in the letter? No. But on the phone. What could I be doing differently on the spot? Making a row. You mean, I have to keep seeing class in action? Yes. And in his relation to himself. Is all this work going to be useful for something? No! Only for the exercise. Can I let it go now? Not really. What else! Mourning. Will I just find it in my body if I go there? Yes. I found armour around the heart, is it that? Yes. And fright of feeling it beat. Can I work on Orpheus now? No. Phone Barry and Phil today? No, tomorrow. More on heart? Yes. Vajrasattva diamond being, insight that can cut through anything. An iron casket with a diamond light. When you see the diamond in the iron wall, when you mount the spiral staircase and pass the iron door to find the diamond of a thousand lights, pray this: May I be able to work safely with this illusion. May I have near contact with the depth of being, may I feel immediate contact with the diamond mind beyond illusion. Steady me in life, mend the splits. Is that what you mean? No. Is there a diamond mind in the heart? Yes but that is for another time. This time only feel the armouring. Fears are stored there. A fantastic armouring concerned with Louie and betrayal. Now what. Decision of some sort, a decision to mourn. Will you show me how? Mourning in general? Mourn my conditioning, mourn the way it has made me abusive. Is that really what you mean? Yes. I want to run away. Fight. Help! Lack of generosity. Competition. Lack of assertion, action. Getting ahead at other people's expense. Oh I'll be so dull if I clean these up. I don't want to be a dull stupid put-upon female like Mary or Catherine! Help. Michael is also an example. You mean it's possible to be witty and sexy. Is this the Buddhist vow of harmlessness? Yes. Is it necessary to be put upon? Yes. Because self defense is stupid - is a stupid state. Conditioned harmlessness is stupid too. Yes. Please can I learn this fast, it's very scary. Yes. If you promise me I can be intelligent and still harmless, I will. (Silence.) You mean there are different kinds of intelligence. Yes. I don't want to be dull. You mean unimpressive. Yes I don't want to be unimpressive. Do you mean Michael? He doesn't look after his teeth, is that necessary? Yes. I have to be physically decrepit? Why? I mean, he will despise me. You mean I am already physically decrepit? No, but I will be. This is hard. You have to decide. I have to be willing to be dumb and decrepit in the ways Michael is? No, in the ways you are. Does it mean I can't dye my hair? No it means you have to be undeluded and not delude. Do I have to be ugly? No. You are patient. You are working honestly. Alright I am willing to be undeluded and not delude. Will you help me. Take the vow. Do you mean I vow to try? No you vow to do it. Will I know the difference? Yes. I have to tell Mary I owed the money to Louie? Yes. And tell her I'll give it back to her. Can I think about this? Yes. I'm vowing integrity. Yes. 8th Hi. Hi. It's a Tuesday. It's all yours. Heart. I want to know . You heard that. Isn't agony useless? It tells you something is breaking. Was something breaking last night? Yes. Was Daphne a version of love woman? Yes. Is it ego's agony at love woman taking over? Yes. Is it the real him? No the image of him. He's tied up and has an erection and I fuck him beautifully and he comes. I untie him and kiss him and say Oh I adore you. Is that the image you mean? Yes. What am I supposed to conclude from that? It is ego that wants to be tied up. Oh. Does love woman want ego to volunteer to be powerless? Yes. For the sake of love. Yes. Is it a good idea? Yes. The agony is not really jealousy? Internal jealousy. Is jealousy always internal? Yes. Does it help to know that? YES. When I say I want to marry him is it love woman saying she wants to marry ego? Yes. What about the real him? It's about perfected work. You mean an exercise. Yes. He's the carrot. Yes. It's psychic dirt. Yes. Why am I so dirty? Domination. Dominating people? No, being dominated. Radio, newspapers, all that? Yes. Conversation? No. Books? Not really. The cleaning work? Yes. What can I do about that? Suffer more as you're cleaning. Can I make a psychic envelope for when I clean? Yes. Just visualize an envelope? Yes. Will that help me physically? Sort of. Can I do that work now? Yes. What do I want to say to Barry. Scared. You seem to be saying I'll be triumphant when what I want is balance. To have the work restructured. Is that it? Not really. He'll say yes. This is interesting stuff. Can I be on your committee. Do you want to collaborate. But I'm not sure I want him to compose, only advise. Can I trust him? Yes. But I'll have to say I don't want to rush it. I want him and Phil and somebody in film, there's somebody I don't know who'd be better than Chris. Technically better? Yes. Somebody in computer science too? Yes. You'll help me with that? Yes. I want to write a book on perceptualizing? Yes. - Beloved - I want to call you that today. Tell me. It's heart trembling. Quite a hard day. Calling Barry and meeting him. Do you need to say more. I don't know, you helped already. I'm such a frightened one. Am and forget to be. You didn't forget that. What you forgot is to call for help and not cover. Don't I need to have a reflex ready. What if you can't be hurt? I can. I am. Aren't I? Yes. Will you make me stronger? Yes. That envelope seems so beautiful to me. I wanted to say those lines in a film. They describe love. They are from a shattered state. No. They are being feeling itself. Yes. Is it that now I must be in that state as I was and still be able to work in the world? Yes. Did you hesitate? No. - What does any of this have to do with him? Delay. Would he be able to meet me there? Do you mean it will get clearer? Yes. I have to take your word for it, when I see him and he hurts my feelings I don't see him. Is he far more sensitive than I know? (silence) Far more intelligent? Yes. He's very dumb about my feelings. Yes. Is he far more intelligent than he knows? Yes. Do you mean me? Yes. Do you also mean him? Yes. I'm meant to find that intelligence? Not exactly. Be there when he does. Yes. - If I'm loving him I won't be hurt? Yes. Is it like a forcefield? No. It's a state that protects itself? Do you mean like that day? Better than that day. Would he go to Joyce? Yes. Tell me about that state, what it has to do with love. It was great love that got you there. Can I get to such love with him? Yes. Do you mean it doesn't matter who? Yes. It needs to be someone who doesn't love you back? No - it needs to be somewhere the love isn't between egos. That's what was wrong with Louie. Is any of this real from his point of view? Yes. Does he show it to me? NO. Please let him show it to me. You have to work for it. I am. 9th It's 7, I've got 2 hours, what to say. The dream of looking from the window with my father, seeing the pasture trees have trees among them in white blossom. The window frame itself surrounded with a blooming branch. We are looking south and I say I never remember that sight without feeling completely at home. I don't remember exactly. The feeling was that I was acknowledging somewhere I am that he is too, and that it goes on, and that it is a perfect place, a place I center myself around, a core. Something silent. It seemed a good dream. Yes. Was it about marrying my father? Yes. Is that what I'm doing? Yes. That is frightening. (Silence.) Exciting? (Silence.) Doesn't matter what, it just is. Does this mean I'm going to become a Christian? Yes. Get caught in that horrible .... Yes. Do you want that for me?! No. It's on the way to something else. Yes. I have to go there because it's blocked? Yes. (Does he want to be a Christian? Yes.) If I go into it will you lead me thru it? No. Why not. It would slow me down. I have a horror of it. There's pain associated with it. Do you mean social exclusion? No. A particular man, you don't remember who. What kind of pain. Mental pain in a child. Do you mean talking about hell? Yes. And have to apply counterenergy? Yes. So I have to feel that belief in hell? No. What? Just the pain. The pain of being told I'll burn forever? No. The pain of his malice, the pain of that man's hatred. It was like a curse from the pulpit. Yes. It makes a crisis of faith in parents. Is there more to say about this? Act on it. Now? Write it? Just try to feel it? Is there a better way? Remember the man. Can I? That guy in Yarrow? Like him. I hear a screaming rant. Yes. From the La Glace pulpit? Before I was six? Yes. Was I terrified? No just hurt. It isn't what he said it's the way he said it. At La Glace but not from the pulpit. He said something personally to a child? I don't know how to deal with this. Perfectly. Can I find it in my body? Yes. Is that the way to do it? Yes. Am I resisting? Yes. Now what. Go on working. The preacher man? No, valor. My child valor when I faced him. Do you mean that feeling I can feel, of standing up to him? Yes. Remember what it felt like. The way one feeling stands in front of another. Yes. Like the picture: one thing is held in front of another thing. That's what I do. Is there something else I could do now? Yes. Can you show me a picture of it? Sort of. Looking hurt. You want me to be naked. That's not the word - visible. Is this still related to that dream? Everywhere? Yes. What is this the condition of? Winning. Winning what? Fairness. All those meanings and holiday too? Yes. Bright, perfect, just, direct, unobstructed, accurate, clear. A loved woman. Beauty, certainty. faeger. feria. Is fairness the same as reconciliation? Yes. Is this the work of making heaven? Yes. Is fair related to fairy? Yes. 'Kay, 'bye. 10th Half an hour. I woke at 3:30 thrumming in the solar. It's grief - is it? No. What, then? Are you saying happiness?! Future happiness. Tell me. I had better ask a simpler question. Happiness in what area. In the areas in which you are now oppressed. In the area in which you are now withdrawn. When you have worked for it. Happiness with him? Not necessarily him. It's up to him, it's in the balance, but with somebody. Social happiness. Deeper than in the garden. In work. In health? No. Do you mean I have that already? Yes. Will you say more? Cut running over. What is the narrow room? The present state of fairness, clearness, cleanness, in me. 3 alcoves, fireplaces. Are they like chakras? Yes. Are they energy centers which also clean? Yes. Feeling losses is their way of cleaning. The blue jar should be broken. Why? Happiness. What is the blue jar? Control, enclosure. Is the sugar energy? Yes. What sort of energy is in the blue jar? Energy of disillusionment. Energy held by things that have been spoiled. Example? Oppression. I have to go soon, anything you want to say? Message. About? About you as a mother. You mean I forgot to ask about that one? Yes. Future happiness. 'Bye. By. - Fresh evening, fresh light. 11 Is there anything you want to say? Deal with Louie's betrayal this weekend. The effect on me of her having won. - Stoltenberg. Manhood anxiety is the key: [notes untranscribed] John Stoltenberg either 1993 The end of manhood: a book for men of conscience Dutton or 1990 Refusing to be a man: essays on sex and justice Penguin 12th Robert MacLean has come. We are walking side by side with our arm around each other. He says we are the two best poets in the country. We kiss. Small light kisses, breathless, 'til I have my mouth around his tongue, one stroke. You're very seductive he says. It isn't that, I say. I want to tell him I've been with his friend or am still with his friend. There's a return of Robert's time. Is it to the anniversary of when I wrote him. The feeling of being the two best poets was of my slight sweet pieces of those years. The kissing was very thrilling, exact. [Dream of June 1981 The long-haired girl on the sand track by a bank love woman The fox black white and red the fox means hunt, fight The cauldron boiling speaks the full moon, Graves' cauldron of insight, white goddess What was it saying oppression   Dreamed by an outsider suffering of desire. Siubne naked bird on a tree, with those big eyes. I fell in love with my loneliness. The dream takes place, it says, in a power struggle.   Are you saying he captured me     yes Intentionally, because he could see I was vulnerable     yes Did David do the same thing?     yes, attracted and refused What does it give them     male success What does it do for them     it makes them possessed by the woman in themselves, they do it because they want women's gifts Why have you been advising me to be patient with such?     you'll have more power in combat with them, it's your cutting off that lets them get away with it This is why I dreamed? I'm dealing with a male tease     yes Was I doing the same thing?     yes for the same reason Why don't I understand this. Struggle. In the last 15 years, Robert, Dave and K, of a kind. Deep self challenge. What are you telling me about all of this. Keep a reservoir of strength, make a reservoir of strength. Why. Because it's going to be a lot of work. Am I supposed to try to understand his experience? NO. Just feel him, you mean. Please talk to me, I'm frustrated. Imagining. Forget about him for the meantime, work on imagining. Say more. Images. As a way of being with myself. I'm longing to be with him. It's energy, there's nothing you can do. It's his struggle. Do you know how he'll decide? Yes. Do you want to tell me? No. If he decides against, will there be someone else? Yes. Wouldn't it be better for me to know? Yes. Then please tell me. You think I won't believe you? Sort of. Is he going to decide to stay away from me? (Silence.) Is he going to refuse me ultimately? Yes. What should I do? Fight anyway. Should I cross the street if I see him coming? No. I'm rejected. No. Then what? Not yet, it's still in play. I have to play it through until it is really over? Yes. My heart is sore. It is his decision. Why is that an answer to "my heart is sore"? You wanted to win. I have to suffer thru seeing him? Yes. Why? Use the energy of the suffering. Can I press for a decision? Yes. Help. Tell me. It's Saturday morning, overcast. There's time in front of me, no likelihood. It says (you say?) he's feeling me but holding off and will decide against. The dream teased me. Was that an answer? Liking leaped up, I'll go work there, but talk to me first. Describe. Like fear, heart sore. Bange. Attached. Worried. That anxious child. Worried that worry will never end. Let's end it now. Not by ignoring it. Can you give me true independence? Yes. Just like that? Yes. I'm seeing the way the stroke from the e to the s goes invisible behind the s. Do you mean it's there behind? Yes. 1981. Like now careful and miserable. Misery with Jam. Robert. I had already begun to understand before-birth. He said it would never work. He was wrong. It will work. Soon. Oh. Lonely, I guess. What should I do. Be free. Follow an image. Will you give me one? I'm dull, is it physical? From junking today? I'm sorry. You're not. I'm complacent. Yes. Should I be worried? Yes. Does every second count? It isn't a matter of counting. It keeps you out of joy and reality. I have preconceptions about what it could be. How should I do this? Go into a loss. Childhood loss. Imagine a script. [Opposite, 1981 notes: A lover's discourse. The figures are pests. indicating his twisted leg without bitterness, as if it belonged to all of us What death is most of all, that everything which has been seen will have been seen for nothing. The beginning of writing is to know it won't cause [anyone to love us]. I wish you would praise me from your heart. I would blossom out. The movements seem wide balances of the whole body among the many persons whose positions I also feel.] 12 I want to say, Oh, what is the matter with me. I am devoured by desire for what it seems I can't have. Devoured, devoured, by a desire to be married. Is that what I have to call it or what I want to call it. A madness, so painful an imbalance. At fifty, and with other things to do, so out of peace, raging. Lions and tigers. What is it. Is it the revenge of instinct, is it the rising of some revenge. Is it what happens if I give myself time, is it what I have controlled when I do control. Is there any end of it, the looking for. Everywhere. As if looking for the hero of an English novel, the arms of a man tall enough, well made enough, wellspoken, individual, kindly, of good family, of acceptable fortune, high spirit, principle and justice. I'm panicked this morning. What's happening. It's about him. But when he's gone it won't be gone. Driven. What is the matter with me. Sylvia. That she has got him. He doesn't want to say. Yes. Will he say? No. What should I do? Suffer his indecision. Knowing he'll decide against me. Yes. Why? I've started this work in relation to him and have to finish it. Suffering is the work. Energy held back. What about it? Seeing the fantasy it makes. What's next for me. (Lovers.) I will make do with hideous Rob? Yes. And then? Something will change for the better. Will I start to get over him. Yes. 1982. Intense pressure, worry about J, dreams without comprehension, mor what color is the sky? Working on notes in origin. Oh powerful materials never understood. 27 Aug woke with bars of knowledge. I have forgotten to say, night before last, woke at night as if being instructed about him. Didn't remember it until last night when again I woke being instructed, but less intensely. It is from and to a mind unfamiliar, unmemorable, in this one. [spectre, the power of buried desire the real form of desire is for freedom equality love and innocence anxious its little soul looks out into the clear expanse Open the hidden Heart in Wars of mutual Benevolence, Wars of Love mutual in one another's love and wrath all renewing a constant nextness besideness of a structure that offers something to be known, 'we are supported' the ancient power of fright or lust 'emblematic visionary events, mathematical symmetries, clairvoyance, metamorphoses, biological racial recall' the immaculate / Cauldron, talking and crackling black white and silver, psychic work the Younger, the Talking, the High / who listens the star son, a child, lord of the waxing year in summer when light is longest they meet in both sexes the spirit a boy, mercurious spontaneous movement the production of images possibility of spiritual effort The guardian, sexual energy, vulnerable, guilt, powerful, self interested, in the doorway between Talking and Younger] Is love woman opposed to spirit     yes This is what I wrote: the bright-eyed girl, the little Indian, in her second summer of running, wandered into a marsh she saw shining in the distance They take the whole body and soul of young intellectual people who are interesting. aine or ane from the ancient Irish goddess, an, 'bright' They were offering her speech from that internal being, which she had felt, but silent, at times in her loved father and mother, a difficult destiny that would separate her gradually and then suddenly and then gradually again, and many times. Is that her, the goddess I serve?     yes Is there joy in this service, when it knows itself     yes The Easter tide, its power of anguish. No, it says, not anguish but arrival. Anguish is unfocused creation. If you will give up mortal happiness of the ordinary kind, the ability to pass among ordinary people as one of themselves, we will be with you all your life, you will be able to know us, though you do not see us. Is it true that I agreed to be maimed so I could live with fairy powers? Yes. Is it true that ordinary happiness is impossible to me? Yes. Is it true that they are with me and have never gone away. Yes. Is it true that the anguish will never go away? It goes away but it will always come back. Creation is impossible without it. You will not inherit your parents' kingdom, and our kingdom is not inherited, only entered. You will have the gifts of isolation. Is all of this an illusion? No, we're here, we belong to you, you belong to us. We are difficult but we are loyal. Doesn't everything depend on my being expressed and successful as an artist? Yes. Will you help me? YES. Do I have to give something up? No, you already have. Should I change my last name? Yes. I keep feeling there's something I must give up. There's something you must accept. Fairness, conflict allowed. 13th March It is Monday morning, I come from Rob's house, where a tall man with light arms fed me, held me, kissed me, fucked me, listened to me, loved to lie with me. I come away haunted, hurt, puzzled, sad, lost, because you aren't claiming me. I lie next to him seeing your hand and your chest, which are ways of feeling you, feeling the you in you. I am so sorry you don't come for me. Don't answer my letter. Don't lay down your useless struggle. Sit raging alone in your false tower. Don't begin. How is she doing     painting Does she feel like she's got him     yes Did I help her get him     no, she worked for it He is a real loss to me     his energy is Should I ask her what's going on     NO, just balance I'm supposed to learn to live in suspense     yes What else     perfect this struggle, graduate from it I have to hold my ground with him, chase him out of the garden?     yes Do you mean it     yes Demand that he tell me what's going on     yes And now will they be happy together     yes, sort of Will he still come back to me after     yes And then leave again     not really   I'm kind of obsessed     use the energy For what     speed, directness, of clearing yourself Sore heart    clear your losses Can it be a good ordeal     yes Say how     struggle I should be prepared to live in suspense for a year     yes More than a year    no A year from now     no, from last fall What should I do in this time     act, get ready   When he said rancher's wife did he mean him     yes Now what    for today permit yourself that dream Go into love - do you mean work with it     yes Is that what I just did     sort of Is that the implacable structure of being a woman with men, that I delayed with my vow     yes And I have to face it now    yes As if there were hope    yes But there is no hope     there is hope but it is false hope So why do I have to face it     because something is coming What is coming     marriage Do you mean I must understand the conflict because I'm going to live in it     yes Do you mean marriage with open eyes     no Then what     perfected work, a resolution to the conflict There is a resolution possible    yes Tell me about it     (Kw) Do you mean in his person     yes Do you mean Ks    no You mean the man in myself     no Someone else altogether     yes By (Kw) do you mean a nonhuman person     yes Animus     yes Am I him     yes I said the two parts were 1. romantic hope, the hope of standing beside a manly man, the womanly satisfaction and glow of that 2. romantic diminishment, narrowing down to the few things men seem to be able to love women to be. Is 1 love woman, is 2 what I am if I'm being him. Does this mean there's a range of stuff in love woman I don't allow myself to be     yes Is that the resolution     no Mary was not a good example of love woman     yes Do I know any good examples     Trudy, Joyce   Love woman should serve the goddess not the god. Can I find her in work, can I find her in writing?       Kw's job is to support her. (How can he not feel that letter?     he's in crisis of indecision) Will you teach me to support her    yes Must I support her wish for him     yes Must I support her work?     get her writing published, show her dancing in film. Show her beauty. Give her a clean bright house. Give her a place in the country. Give her a confident place in the world. Give her the best body you can. I have been trying to be her husband. I misunderstand that I am doing that. What will come of that     coming thru What's my last name     happiness to come What's her name     Ellie Epp Have we had a power struggle    yes What was David's part in this story     change In many women the man exploits the woman     yes In mine he has disregarded feared and ignored her, wanting to be accepted by the men     yes Dear you, I have been talking about you as if you aren't here. But who do you think is answering. I know I'm here. Do you need anything? To talk about Rob. I don't know what to do, sometimes you love it, it seems to help. I don't want you to be friendless. It is so puzzling, I don't know what I'm doing there. It was for me I guess - is it alright as long as I know it? Yes but I don't forget who it is I want. Alright. - Oh it goes on. I work in the garden. There are violets, daffodils, arabis, daphne, new rose leaves in sprouting bundles. And I am gnawing gnawing at this unrightness, I come home and it is there more than ever. Oh my friend are you doing this to me? I look nice, I feel well, but I am so far from peace, I am gnawed by misery. My friend are you torturing me? Is he wanting to hurt me?     no Is he sleeping with Sylvia     yes Since that night     yes Why isn't he telling me     he's putting it off Because he isn't sure he likes it     yes Does he     no This had to happen didn't it     yes So is that the name of this pain     no What is it's name     it's name is they are happy Will it be better since I know     you can act on it 13 The strong waters of transition, that are shut off at night. Looking at the way not registering that he is with Sylvia has been confusing me. He didn't tell me but I didn't either. Last night Luke coming in and hugging me under the lamp by the frilled tulips and green blanket - the faint exotic smell of his neck, its dewy skin - familiar maybe. aphrodite's garden volume 20 aphrodite's garden volume 19: 1994 january-march work & days: a lifetime journal project